Thread: KNOCK-KNOCK...Who's there??....ME....ME WHO??

Well I'm gonna give this whole journal thing yet another shot...lol....mostly in this journal you will just find thoughts and events of my borring life.

Well so today is Saturday....My oldest DS spent last night with a little friend of his from school....He called earlier this morning and wants to know if tonight his little friend can spend the night here so they can ride horses....So later I will be going to pick the 2 of them up....I also need to go and bring Cruiser (my older tamer horsie) In from the pasture....Cruiser is my most trust worth horse.....The one I allow the kids to ride....He's very mild mannered and would never hurt a flee.

In the last few days so many people have asked me about my dear sweet angel son.....Before it was almost like everyone was affraid to speak to me about him....on the contrary though....I enjoy talking about him...It keeps my memory fresh of him...and that memory I don't want to fade....Even though the sound of his name may bring a tear to my eye...it sings a song to my heart and soul.


School will officially be out for summer break on the 15th of this month....I literally can't wait.....Will have all the kids home and the freedom to come and go as we please without having to worry about school stuff...fun fun fun....So many plans for acitivities with the kids this summer.....hopefully will be able to pack them all in....in the 3 short months of vacation they get.
I'm worried about my youngest DS starting kindergarten this next yr....Not so much worried about how he will academically do....but worried about how the other children will treat him....his differences in other children his age are very noticeable.....and it breaks my heart when he is treated bad.....I have a few play dates set up for over the summer with a little girl who will be in his class...this little girl's mother and I went to school together...So we know each other very well....Her DD is a little sweet heart...So hopefully my DS and her will be able to establish a good friendship before the start of school.
Some people IRL claim that I worry to much about my youngest DS....but they have not gone through all I have with him....From him being born clinically dead at 30 wks gestation....to him being revived....a just over 2 month stay in the NICU...during which time being told on 3 different occasions that he more then likely would not make it through the night......My little man is a TRUE fighter....even though his battle scars from his fight are very noticeable....He continues a daily battle day in and day out fighting them as well....and still able to shine the most beatiful smile I've ever seen....It truly makes a mommy proud.....Most parents wish for a healthy baby....and I did to before my DS was born...but now I can't imagine my son being anything else then what he is...after all he wouldn't be who he is today if he had been born any other way....and he truly is the sunshine of my darkest day....He's so loving and careing and no matter what it is always seems to see the best in everything....I'm very proud of the fact that I'm the one he calls mommy. Out of all of my children I have to say he is the one who has taught me the most....Showed me so many things that non of my other children can see.

I don't have much for plans for today....just going to spend it with the kids...and what happens happens.......It's beautiful outside today...so will probably spend the day outside.....Take a bike ride....a nice long walk....ride horses....and just play the day away.....I so enjoy spending days looking through the eyes of my children....They most certainly can teach us how to live....instead of falling into that rut of just surviving from day to day...that so many adults seem to fall into......I don't want to just survive...I want to LIVE!!! and I'm greatful to my children for helping me be able to live.
Well going to close need to get out the door and go bring in Cruiser and then go and pick up oldest DS and his friend.....Today is going to be great....I can just feel it.

Ok so I had a whole HUGE entry written and some how lost it...So now I'm beyond pissed....It's very late though....So will have to wait to rewrite it tomorrow morning.

ARGH!!! WTF?? This is my 3rd attempt on this entry....I keep going to post them and they just go POOF!!
So this entry isn't going to be as long as the first 2 attempts at posting it....don't have alot of time now.


Saturday was great...spent the whole day just messing around and playing with the kids....fun Fun FUN!!
Saturday night a good friend of mine stopped by and we chatted and laughed till 2:30 am.....She is such a riot....had me laughing for hours...lol...Sunday I took the kids into town to play in the park and do some grocery shopping...our trip was cut short do to some severe weather....but we made it home safely and managed to get everything we set out in town to do done....So guess I can't complain.

Tonight is the kids' school concert....they are dong a patriotic theme in honor of all of our military men and women....I've helped out with a couple of the practices and the whole program is truly amazing....It's going to start out with the stars and stripes brought out followed by all 50 of the state flags...The kids are all going to be dressed in red, white, and blue...as well as the school stage adorned in red, white and blue...all of the musical selections are going to be patriotic songs....It's going to be a trulyl amazing program.....I'm taking my cam corder so I can tape the whole program....All of the kids have put so much time and energy into this concert....I think it's going to be the best one ever!!

These last 2 wks of school are going to be so busy...starting off with the concert tonight....Then Wednesday is Kindergarten visitation....Thursday night is the excellerated readers fun night....So the kids will be leaving school at 2:00 pm to go bowling and have pizza....Then Friday is track and field day...along with the 3rd grade play.....Monday kindergarten through 2nd grades will be going on a field trip to story book land...Awards night is Tuesday night.....5th grade play on Wednesday....and Friday is the last day of school....WOOHOO!!! Let summer vacation begin.....I literally can't wait to have a completely open schedual to be able to go and do things with the kids without having to worry about who has what going on...on what day....of course with the exception of Casey's therapy on Wednesday afternoons.
Well going to close before I loose this post too...Will be back tomorrow to post how the whole concert went tonight.

Kids concert was AWESOME!! It was long but absolutely unbelievable...So much talent in such a tiny school...K-12 this yr there are only 94 students total!!
Youngest DS went to kindergarten visitation yesterday....Went better then I could have ever imagined he had such a good time...and even made a couple of new little friends....Mommy is very very proud of her little man.
Today the older 2 girls are going for a bowling a pizza party for their excelerated readers class...They leave the school at 2:00 pm and should be back home by 5:30 pm...I'm sure they will have a wonderful time...even though they had all voted to go to the roller rink....They did the roller rink thing 2 yrs ago and they ended up having to make a trip to the ER because on little girl fell and broke her arm....Bowling is much safer!!
Tomorrow oldest DS's class in putting on their class play...They are doing "The little boy who cried wolf" at 9:00 am....at 10:00 am their poetry contest starts and right after lunch their rally day activities begin...It's going to be a busy day for sure.
Monday I will be helping chauperone the K-2nd grade class trip to "Story Book Land" A one way 3 hour bus ride with 24 kids raging between the ages of 5-8 should be a real riot....LOL....NOT!!! Oh well I'm sure it will be fun once we get to our destination!! LOL We will be leaving the school at 8:00 am and not returning to the school until 5:30 pm.....will definately be a LONG day.
Wednesday oldest DD's class is taking a field trip to Mt. Rushmore...That trip will be a 4 hour ride one way.....Glad I'm not helping chaperone that one!!
Inbetween school activities...I've been trying to get my kitchen and living room walls all scrubbed down so that they are ready to paint....Got a wild hair up my *** and decided I wanted a change of scenery here in the house...not to mention I'm a trading spaces fan...and they have so many good idea's on that show. I'm gonna try and go for that fresh and airy look!! I've already bought the paint for my kitchen...It's a really soft mint green, a very soft yellow, and a very soft peach color....T says it looks like they belong in a carton of sherbert ice cream....and well I guess he's right those are the colors of paint I bought.... ....I think it will be pretty though....anything has got to beat the start white with oak cupboards. Haven't decided what colors I'm going to use in the living room yet though....am seriously considering country blue and mauve....I bought an awesome area rug some time ago that I've never used yet and it has country blue and mauve in it...very pretty. My furniture as well has country blue and mauve in it....can't tell I like those colors!!
Well gonna go and skim through the boards while they are loading fairly well.....The slowness of them has been a complete pain....sometimes it can take close to half an hour for one page to load.....which doesn't leave me enough time to even read let alone post...so hopefully things are fixed now and they will remain atleast as good as they are now...even though they aren't as fast loading as they once were.

Well the word for the day is RAIN!! and well more RAIN!!
I really love the rain....I love the smell of the out doors while it's raining everything smells so fresh......I have all my windows open....enjoying the wonderfully fresh wet air....It's enveloping the whole house....AHHHH....makes me feel peaceful.
Have been doing laundry for most of the day....Poor youngest DD was running low on clean diapers so I got them all washed up so we should be good for atleast 3 more days.
Other then that I've just been playing with the kids....We've built a whole city with the lincoln logs, leggo's and mega blocks......The whole living room floor was covered. Sad to report though that Tornado Amy hit shortly after we finished the last building and I'm now left with sorting through the different aray of building materials and getting them put away....LMAO.
So many hugs and kisses today from the 3 younger kiddos...way to many to count....It's no wonder I love being a mommy so much....With so much love coming my way....How on earth could I NOT enjoy it......Amy is soooo sweet she's always running up and giving me huge hugs that literally feel like they are going to go right through me and then looking in my eyes and saying "I love you mommy" Shelby is always so full of kisses and Casey is always telling me "Mommy you so pretty" Makes my heart melt.....Also makes me kinda sad that they are all growing up so fast....my goodness...my oldest is going to be 11 in June.....Seems like only yesterday that I was a very scared 18 yr old finding out I was pregnant and wondering where my life would lead me...and now she's not a little girl anymore....doesn't even resemble a little girl anymore....every day I see her becoming more and more of a woman....She's out grown her barbies, and baby dolls and has moved on to listening to music and reading books hrs upon hrs....she's given up playing dress-up with mommy's clothes and has moved on to sneaking into my closet to wear my clothes....and they actually fit her
My oldest DS will be 10 in oct....He is getting to where he is leaving playing with toys stage wanting to spend his time working side by side with is father.....He is so energetic and smart....already at such a young age knows so much about raising live stock and farming.....His father taught him how to drive 2 yr's ago.....started him out on his lap driving a pick-up....since then he's driven tractors, combines, an 18 wheeler, and a pick-up all by himself.....It's not uncommon to see him following his dad in the tractor looking so proud that his dad not only needs his help but also trusts him enough to drive a $83,000.00 piece of equiptment on his own....Makes mommy proud as well...but being mommy I can't help but worry about him too.....I guess it's just in my nature.
My 7 yr old...WOW....well what can I say.....She's sooo energetic....has never been into all the girlie things....she'd much rather be in the shop with her dad working on a piece of machinery or out digging in the dirt....She reminds me so much of myself.....I was a total tom-boy...and really have never gotten into all the frilly femanine bit.....To this day I would much rather be out digging in my garden then doing house work....I still even enjoy going out and helping tear down and rebuild engines and transmitions.
youngest DS....My little miracle.....my baby that wasn't supossed to be but beat the odds and proved every Dr. who seen him and proved he could survive through any problem that was thrown his way...Still to this day fighting his physical disabilites and be able to wake up each and every morning with the most gorgeous smile any one could ever see. I can't believe he is already 6 yrs old....again it seems as only yesterday I was seeing all 2lbs 5 oz of him laying in an incubator....seeing more tubes then baby and being told that his prognosis was grim....so many ups and down during the little over 2 month stay in the NICU.....at times there seemed to be more downs then ups....and that is when we started celebrating things that other parents just take for granted....Such as a pee'd diaper, a poopie diaper, moving his arms and legs, and actually being able to digest the half water half breast milk feedings of 1 cc at a time.....He started out depending so much on everyone around him and the medical technology that kept him holding onto life until he was finally able to gain enough strength to start fighting on his own....the other day he told me he wanted to be a fireman when he grew up....cause he wants to save people.....and even though I know that phsycially he will never be able to do what he dreams of.....I was sooo proud of him that he can not only suffer and fight daily with his own down falls and still thinks of others and wants to help them.
My 4 yr old DD....she is such a little fire cracker.....She too also didn't start out life in the best of health....the fear of sids clouded my every day....on a good night she would stop breathing all together upwards to 7-10 times....on a bad night we would go from one alarm of her apnea monitor to the next.....She also suffers from a ventricular septal defect and asthma that limits her physical activities in the aspect that she tires easily...Her tibial tortion in both legs is a bit of a hurdle as well....as it makes her rather clumsy with walking....Her mind is constantly at work though and she talks ALL the time.
My baby my 2 yr old....so fully of mischief and attitude....always up to something or into something....she keeps me busy....She fears nothing....She's spoiled rotten but not just because of me...even her older brothers and sisters believe she walks on water.....I love each and every one of my children with every ounce of my being...they are my heart, soul and reason for living....I can't imagine being anything other then their Mommy.

[color=indigo]ARGH!!! HATE HATE HATE!!! There's a certain 22 yr old hateful assed crotch sniffing ****ing little W*H*O*R*E who moved in next door that is gonna be lucky if she lives long enough to see her 23rd B-day!!
What the **** is up with these chicks who know a man is taken yet think they have the God giving right to stick their damn noses in and do what ever they freaking can to ruin a relationship??...I have NOT dedicated the last freaking 15 yrs of my life to T to have some little piece of T*W*A*T SKIN step in and ruin our relationship.....and to really top the F*U*C*K*I*N*G CAKE....tr;y to get my 2 yr old DD to refer to her as MAma Emma.....OH NO I DON'T F*U*C*K*I*N*G think so!!!! The stupid little C*U*N*T...Needs to be affraid VERY affraid....One more of her freaking little sly stunts and I'm gonna rip her in two...She'll leave this farm alright she'll leave it in an ambulance....The only thing that keeps her from being a W*h*o*r*e is she's so ****ing cheap she doesn't charge!!
'Another way the littch ***** keeps pissing me off is she just thinks she can take and use anything she freaking wants.....Everything from taking food out of my freezer, Taking snacks away from my kids that I sent outside for them to eat and eating it herself...To freaking vehicles....she's taken off on my 4-wheeler, she's attempting taking off with my suburban...ALL with out so much as a "do you mind if I borrow this??"
Not to mention the stupid ***** gets in the same pen that I have one of my stud horses with 2 mares who are in heat.....and attempts to take the stud horse out of the pen...UMM HELLO you stupid *****.....and you wonder why he bit the living piss out of you....and HELL NO!! I'm not paying for your trip to the emergency room when first you should have been NO WHERE near MY horses and secondly it was your own flipping stupidity and ignorance that got your boob damn near bit off....Pull your ****ing head our of your skanky *** and actually attempt to pull forth a few conigative thoughts every now and then.
BUT of course I'm the only one who sees her true freaking colors...Everyone else thinks she's just the sweetest thing ever....BARF!! Umm Hello IDIOTS she's a freaking skanky little ***** and you are all morons for falling for her petty see through act!!
She will leave the farm....I will make damn sure of that....She needs to fear me...but she's to damn dumb to do that...But I guarantee as God as my witness her days here are numbered...If it means she has to leave in an ambulance...I Will beat the living **** right out of her...It's about time someone does!!
I NEVER thought I could hate one person this much....But I've proved myself wrong
Trying to tell me how to be a mother....trying to tell me how to work through problems in a relationship....ummm hello....you don't even have any kids...WTF...do you know about being a mother....You have never been in any relationship that has lasted more then a couple of months....WTF...do you know about long term relationships....Let alone MINE and T's 15 yr 5 month relationship.....You better step back and check yourself *****.....Because I GUARANTEE you aren't gonna win!!

My dad came and got the kids...I've had 5 beers in less then an hours time....I'm pretty much freaking drunk...and ***** is going DOWN...GOD life IS good....if I go MIA for a couple days it's because I'm sitting my arse in Jail for assault!! LMFAO!!!!

Pulling my journal back off of page 4 and dusting off the cobwebs.


So well 2nd wk of school is done and so far so good the 4 older kidlettes are still alive...100+ degree weather...the hottest day was 117 degrees....No AC in their school expect for the Kindergarten and 1st and 2nd grade rooms....Which they refussed to use cause it wouldn't be fair to the other kids is upper grades. I can't possibly imagine sitting in that old 3 story dark brick building with no AC on such stifeling hot days.
Hopefully soon it will begin to cool off some....Give them poor kids a break from the heat.

The TTC battle still continues....ARGH....I hope it happens soon....I NEVER thought I would ever say it....But damn I'm getting tired of constantly having to do the horizontal monkey shuffle!! AF is due to arrive on the 10th.....Last night I had a dream that she didn't show and I was actually pg.....I'm sure it's just subconsciencous wishful thinking on my part though.....It's been 2 yrs now of TTC....which did result in one pregnancy that ended very early in a miscarriage....That baby's due date was December 25th.....I was sooo excited to be having a Christmas baby....What better present could one every ask for!?! It just wasn't meant to be though....So the TTC continues.....I'm soo hoping that once my blood sugars are completely under control that it will happen for us.....Gotta keep feeding myself full of positive thinking.

Going to be adding on an addition to my house.....I soo can't wait....3 more bedrooms and another bathroom.....only having one bathroom has turned into a major problem...Kids will keep the bathroom that we have now....and I will be getting a masterbath off of the master bedroom....HAHA....It will be MINE all MINE!! The little center bedroom on the house now will be turned into a laundry room...The long wall will be end to end in those wire closest organizing units...Places to hang clothes and put folded clothes.....That way the kids won't have a need for dressers in their bedrooms which will give them more room for Kid stuff. I'm soo excited I can't wait for everything to start!! The extra room will be soooo nice!! Not sure I will know what to do with all of it....I'm sure I will be able to figure it out though!

On a side note....update from my last to entries....Emma is gone...long gone....still living....but no where near where I even have to give her a second thought!! Life IS good

So it's Sunday....and I know on the 7th day you are supossed to rest....But I have sooo much to do in preperation for the addition on my house....So today will be partially spent sorting through things in the living room and moving some furniture out so that the west wall is easily excesible for the guys to start adding on my new addition.
Am also having the 3 older kids sort through all their little treasures and belongings....Once the addition is complete I want the transition into new bedrooms easy and quick.....Things they opt to box up and store in the attic can be brought down and added in later.
I've also decided to buy all the kids new beds....I found these really great twin sized captains pedistal frames that have 6 drawers under them 3 on each side....They are really cool looking....and come in 3 different finishes.....So I'm gonna order 6 of them.....even though Amy is much to small for that high and that big of a bed....she will atleast have one when she is ready for her own bed....till then...I LOVE having her sleep with me.....and she loves sleeping iwth me....so all around it's a good sleeping arrangement with her and I.
Been talking to the kids about their new bedrooms....Have come to the conclusion that for now....11 yr old DD will have her own room, 9 yr old DS will have his own room, 8 yr old DD will have her own room, 6 yr old DS and 4 yr old DD will share a room (they are inseperable for the most part anyway) and Amy and I will share the new master suite.


Well if I'm gonna get anything accomplished today...I best get off of here and get going....still have my outside chores to do before I can even start on the house.

Well I didn't get near what I wanted to accomplish done today....I did get the couch moved to the other side of the living room.....and found where Miss Amy has been hiding her toys....YIP....behind the couch. Who would have ever thought that much stuff would fit behind a couch. So I got all of her toys picked up from behind there and washed up...Vacuumed the whole living room floor.....Still need to hit the walls and windows and also move my computer...as it's on the west side of the living room as well......When I move it it will have to be moved to the kitchen cause well thats the only other room in the house with a telephone jack. Oh well there is the perfect spot in the kitchen...since I rearranged the kitchen around...move the table where the fridge was and the fridge where the table was.....MAN it make the kitchen look sooo much bigger....more floor space....On the wall where the table was sitting the table had to be in the center of the wall because on that wall on one end was the door to one bedroom and on the other end the door to the bathroom.....Where the fridge sat was a blank wall and then a little half wall that divides the kitchen and living room....So now the fridge is in the center of the wall where the table was and the kitchen is placed in the corner where the fridge was....Don't know why I didn't switch it sooner...I like this way much more.
I also have new tile to lay in the kitchen and a new electric stove...I HATE this gas stove that I have now...and besides that my new stove has a self cleaning oven.....Every woman's dream!!!
I'm also debating cutting out the raised centers in my kitchen cabinets and installing punched tin...Like the old antique pie safes had.....I know this a task I can do on my own....A few yrs back I did punched tin centers for an old cabinet that my aunt had....turned out really good!! I also want to redo my kitchen counter tops....Thinking of doing those in ceramic tiles...I'd LOVE grey marble...but damn that **** is expensive!!
Also want to get all new bathroom stuff for the bathroom...since it will be the kids' bathroom.....I want to do a more kid friendly decore....and then I can make my new bathroom all foo and frilly...with candles, decorative soaps, towels, the works!! I can picture it all in my head....And am sooo anxious for it all to get done!!
Oh I also ordered new living room furniture....So I can get rid of the some what mix matched set I have now.....I ordered a 8 ft. couch, with matching love seat and recliner with automan....They are sooo cute....Country blue and mauve large plaid pattern....Very country looking....Just like I like!! So that will mean re-painting the living room walls....Will also need a new entertainment center.....the one I have now is damn near 12 yrs old...and well seen it's better days....I found an armoir (sp?) one that I absolutely LOVE It's a dark cherry wood....which I think will look awesome with my new furniture.....I think what excites me most about all these changes is this is the VERY first time I've ever been able to do this....When I moved out of my parent's house...and into my apartment....All I had was just what I could afford....most of my furniture was garage sale finds with the exception of the new chairs I bought for the kitchen table....Which I'm sad to say were ummm those molded plastic cheap $10.00 deck chairs. Very pathetic...but at that time I had a much bigger priority that being my new born DD.....I splurged on her nursery set...which didn't leave much $$ for the other rooms of my apartment.
When T and I first got married we lived with his parents...so still there was no choice in decor.....and when we planned on moving out on our own...I was very much pg....within days of my due date with baby #2 when T got word of a fairly new fairly spacious trailor house....only prob said trailor was 235 miles away...so instead of risking me going into labor on the interstate out in the middle of no where T went to look at it alone....Called that night saying he had bought it and had found a trailor house moving company and they would be heading here bright and early the next morning.....So no choices left up to me there....He had also hit unclaimed furniture warehouse....and you guessed it...picked everything out himself. between then and now....my life has revolved completely around having and raising my kids....well NOW we HAVE to extend the size of the house....we are bursting at the seems here....only 3 bedrooms and 8 ppl with the kids getting older...they want and NEED their own space....So since we need to add on....we agreed to get the house completely the way I want it....after all I'm the one who is here all day....I should atleast be able to enjoy the space I'm in right?? As the house is now...it's pretty much unchanged with the exception of the kids' rooms that I painted and decorated from when T's grandmother lived here....she passed away 6 yr's ago on the 13 of this month and we have been in this house since Dec 3rd of 1997....I say it's high time I claimed this house as MINE in every way....Leaving it the way it is...won't bring his Grandma back....and change IS good....So change is what I'm doing!!
Well it's now 5:00 pm time to go and cook dinner, feed the kidlettes, start the bath brigade and get the school kidlettes off to bed 6:45 am comes awful damn early!!