Well I made a few different phone calls today....reguarding switching schools for my kids.....According to the school my kids attend now.....The school board would have to vote to decide whether or not to allow my kids to transfer.
I then called my old alma mater.....To see what they had to say and if they were willing to take in 4 new students.....The superintendant was very excited at the prospect of my children attending there.....Also told me that since the school that my children now attend is on probation with the state department of education for lack of academic achievement that they would have no other choise then make automatic approval for my kids to switch schools....He then suggested that I make a phone call to the state school board and inform them what my kids present school had to say.....Because what they did was out and out lie to me over my inquiery.
So after hanging up with him....I called the office of the state school board and told them what I was wanting to do.....what each superintendant and each school said.....The woman on the phone was absolutely the sweetest person.....She answered so many questions I had and was very nice and considerate in the process.....She informed me the same as the superintendant at my old school.....and all it would take is to fill out the application for open enrollment...list the kids present school and also the school I'm wanting them to attend and I could have them transferred with in 2 wks!! WOW!!! I was thinking this was gonna be a long drawed out process.....She also told me that if the kids present school gives me any grief that all I have to do is contact her again FAX her the requests for transfer and she will make darn sure that they get signed by my kids present school.
I'm sooo excited for my kids to be able to experience all that it offered at my old school.....instead of having just what the state demands being taught....My kids didn't even have a clue that there were classes offered at any school that they had a choice in.....They are all actually pretty excited about the transfer....and it's not like they will not know anyone there....Quite a few of my friends children go there...and my kids already know them.....
AF is still not shown up....this is officially day 2 of her being late....still no HPT though......I really could kick myself over not buying one the other day in town.....I want to know NOW damn it......Oh well I will be going into town tomorrow to do my volunteer time at the domestic violence shelter....I will buy one then!!
I have this gut feeling that it will actually be positive...but that gut instict has been wrong before. so who knows.....I WILL know for positive tomorrow though.....ACK....I hope this day goes by fast!!!
ARGH...could this day possibly drag out any longer???
I just read Brooke's last journal entry....DAMN girl I'm sooo freaking cornfuzzled now I couldn't even grab my *** with both hands at this point
T's mom is such a complete and utter ***** expecting me to ask how high and jump every ****ing time she thinks she has a right to tell me to.......ACK.....I hate, Hate, HATE her......I'm not against forgiving ppl.....BUT.....THIS woman has done such horrible things in the past and to date that she no longer deserves any sort of forgiveness...There for she will never receive any from me....I've lost all respect for her....and I hope for every day that she has spent here on earth.....being the horrible down right hateful person that she is....she has to spend a day burning in hell!!!
I've gone out of my way avoiding her....but she thinks it her right to continueously get right in my face.....I just don't no how much longer I can take it without going completely off on her!! She actually believes that there should be a whole different set of rules ONLY for her.....Not me though....Karma can be a real *****....and what goes around comes around....I just can't waite for the day that kharma smacks her in the face.....ACK....sometimes I wish I didn't have a consciencous.....Then I could smack her in the face myself!!
Well T and I sat down last night and had a big ol' long talk after my BFN.....The subject of adoption was brought up again....Only this time it wasn't me who had to bring it....It was actually him who entered the subject in.....That made me happier and more optomistic.
We also discussed fertility treatment again.....WOW that whole subject just scares the living crap out of me.....The higher incident of multiples....as much as I would love having twins.....After what I've already been through with 2 other twin pg's...I just don't think that I'm every supossed to be a mother to surving twins....Miscarrying a twin at 12 wks during my 3rd pregnancy.....and then loosing Amy's twin brother 12 short minutes after their birth.....are my reasonings to avoid fertility treatments....There is no way that my heart could ever handle going through what I went through with my Dear sweet Cody.
So for two yrs now we've drudged along with TTC naturally....3 pregnancies have occured during that time.....2 very quickly after we started TTC and one this past March.....All of which ended in miscarriage.
There have been times that I have just wanted to give up all together....Be completely content with the 6 wonderful earth angels that I already have.....At times I've completely at peace with stop TTC all together...But then this over whelming feeling that there is a child that is mine that I don't even know yet is awaiting me being their mommy.....It's sooo hard to explain without sounding completely NUTS...It's a little voice though.....much like a childs voice.....telling me that they are there....just waiting for me...waiting for me to allow them into my life.....Well I am here....and I'm waiting for that child also.....for 2 yrs I've been waiting...I just don't know how much longer I can possibly wait...with out total discouragement taking over.....Every cycle that I get a BFN....I always think well heres to my next cycle....There is always next cycle....and now all those theres always next cycles are turning into....Just how many more cycles are there actually going to be??
I really hate being negative....I hate having negative thoughts....but when all you get time after time after time of negative results....The positive thoughts get harder to muster up.
I just need to put all of this up to God....He's the one who knows best....after all if I'm meant to have another child of my own...He is the one who is going to send that child to me.....and I have faith that if I'm to have a child who is already on this earth...That he too will bring that child to me.....So from now on....it's all up to you God...I'm leaving it in your hands.....It's all just became to much for me to even attempt doing on my own....which I should have never done to begin with.....I have complete faith that you will do what you see is right.....and if another child doesn't end up being part of that plan...Then I will learn to accept it....I just can't promise that I won't be discouraged.
*For my Dear Sweet Cody*
If I never would have Conceived you.....
Would I still miss you just as much?
If I never would have held you.....
Would I still long to feel your touch?
If I had never looked into your eyes....
Would I still long to see their shine?
If I never would have had you.....
Would I still claim you as mine?
I'm so blessed to have been allowed to meet you.
Your mommy I'll always be.....
You are now playing in Heaven and as your Mommy.....
I now know it was my job to set you free.....
For only a moment you entered my life
Then we were forced into our good-byes.....
I felt you grab onto my heart and take a piece with you
As the tears welled up in my eyes.....
I love you so very much my dear sweet angel boy....Not only while you were on this earth....but also into the great beyond.
If anyone reads this I ask you not to take this poem and use it else where....I wrote this myself....only hrs after loosing my DS.
LEts see where to begin....AF still hasn't shown up....haven't retested yet....can't bring myself to do it Yeah I know I'm strange!!
What else....oh yeah...Got the school transfer forms for the kids filled out and signed by the school that I want them transfered to.....mailed them off to the kids present school today...so hoping to hear back from them soon.
Made an appointment to have my Rottie spade....Was going to use her as a breeder....but I love her way to much to risk her life just for breeding purposes....will also reduce her risk of cancer and over all leave her healthier.....So I'm happy about my decision to have her spade. I have to have her at the vets office at 8:00 am on the 26th.....she has to fast for 12 hrs prior to surgery and I can pick her up at 5:00 pm the same day and bring her back home......She'll also be getting her 3rd round of puppy shots that day as well.
The cleaning and rearranging is slowly but surely getting accomplished....man I never realised how much crap 7 ppl can collect over time. Down right pitched ALOT of stuff.....and re-organized a whole lot more. all in all it's for the best....I actualy had to laugh at some of the things that at the time I thought were important. Priorities most certainly change over the yrs.
The weather sure has cooled off awfully quick this yr....a wk ago we were above 100 degrees.....This wk we've barely been in the 70's.....hope the quick weather change doesn't mean a long hard winter....cause God knows we are well known for our harsh weather extremes....a little bit of snow and mild temps this winter would do me just fine...non of that damn 2 wk blizzard **** and - 60 below wind chills.
Off to cook dinner will be back later.
I could stare at his picture forever....Am very thankful to have the one still photo of my angel....I had taken my still camera and my video camera to the hospital with me....The video camera was on and running on the Tri-pod during delivery and continued to run after their birth....at the time though....the last thing on the my mind was taking still pictures....or even reminding T that my still camera was even there...I was sooo absorbed in not loosing out on a single milisecond of my precious DS's short life.....I wanted to take in every ounce of his being...and also tell him how very much I loved him...a love I should have been able to show him through out my life time....Thats alot of love to squeeze into 12 short minutes.
I also have video from his viewing/visitation and also his funeral....not that I was in the right state of mind to get on my own.....I have my Aunt to thank for those videos.
I've watched the birth video over and over and over again....The video from his viewing and funeral though...I've taken out once in the last 2 yrs 8 months since he's been gone....I tried to watch it....but ended up just turning it off again and putting it back in his memorial box.....I'm just not at the point to where I can watch them put my DS in the ground all over again.
somtimes I think I'm completely NUTS....because all I find myself thinking of is Cody....I will watch his twin sister do something and find myself thinking...Hmmm...I wonder if Cody would be doing the same now....or would he be doing even more?? I just thought that by now I would be further along in the whole grieving process.....I still find myself crying atleast once a day and thats on a good day...all the what ifs and what could have beens....all the why me and why my baby questions...The what if it was somthing I did or didn't do...even though I've been reassured millions of times that These things just happen....which brings up the question of WHY do they happen....to which I know there is no answer.
Night time seems to be the worst....when the house is completely dark and quiet....is when the tears begin to really flow...when I know no one is watching and thinking "Wow I thought she was stronger then that??" Well I'm not strong...infact at times I feel like complete and utter mush....like a feather could break me plum in two.....after all I shouldn't HAVE to be strong all the time for everybody....I lost my DS and damn it...it HURTS....I knew him in ways no one else could even dream of knowing him....I carried him under my heart for 38 wks....no one else can say the same.....So just because you may be further in your grieving doesn't mean that I have to be in that same place....I'm not and your just going to have to realize it.....It doesn't make me psycho....it doesn't even necessarly mean I'm depressed....it just means I'm still grieving for my baby.....the baby that in all rights I should have here with me raising and careing for right along with his other brothers and sisters.