Off work today feeling poorly. So much is going around atm, my tummy is iffy and I keep getting really bad headache.
I went to the Dr - told her that I have been getting numbness and tingling in my left cheek for a while now, on and off. Apparently it's down to stress - do you find that they always put things down to that? I don't know, I'm not worried and I have had things going on and on my mind but it all just seems a little strange to me *shrugs*
I have decided to grab the reins of my life and get it back on track. I'm 27 this year and I think that's scaring me a lot, knowing I'm not far off 30. I'm going to make a bucket list, but have things on there I'd like to do before I'm the big 3-0! lol. It might motivate me a little more, who knows. Anything is worth a try, right?
Life is still a bit up and down at the moment.
I'm sick to death of most of the people in my life, which is horrible to say but it's the truth.
My sister is driving me bonkers lately, I mean, she's always been the way she is with me but as I've gotten older I notice it a lot more. I was saying the other day that I would like to attempt "The Parish Walk". It's a walk that takes place here every year, it's 85 miles long but you can stop when you want to or aim to get to certain places. Anyway I said how I would like to do it and try to get to Rushen, which is 19 miles.... she looked at me and said 'you're so full of sh*t!' I mean, why did she feel the need to say that? Apparently, she hates ppl who say they're gonna do something then they don't. That is fair enough.... she's only mad because I said I wanted to go to Blackpool (which I did) but it's looking like we won't be able to afford to and because my nephew asked if he could come and I said he could if we went, she's mad that I'm not now. Jesus, she's always saying she's going on holiday and never does but I don't say anything.... it's none of my business and I know what it's like to not be able to afford it. I just don't get why she couldn't have been encouraging, saying 'oh yea, go for it!' rather than put me down. I will never get her.
Also, DD starts pre-school in Sept and is going to the same school I went to when I was younger (as did my sisters and my brother). Well, my sister's kids go to another school just up the road and she started saying how glad she was they went there because when reports on the schools were done that school did great but the one DD is going to did sh*t. Oh and apparently it's only kids who live on council estates that go to the school too! I am sorry, but for one my sister lives on a council estate and secondly, all the kids that live on that same estate go to the same school as her kids!!! Honestly, she winds me up so much.
It's DD's 3rd birthday next Tues (5 July) and I am having a barby and bouncy castle at mine (weather depending). I said to my Mum that I wish I could invite her and also my Dad and his side of the family (Leia has soooo many cousins that she doesn't even know due to my Mum and Dad seperating) and my Mum said 'You can, I just won't come!' FFS!!!!! I meant I wish everyone could come and get a long, for the sake of Leia and forget about their stupid rivalry and hate they have for one another. I am sick of my DD losing out because they're too stubborn to just put things aside for special occasions. So yea, I'm not sure whether to invite everyone and say it's upto them if they coem or not or to just invite my Mum and sister and brother etc. I'm scared if I invited everyone that no one would turn up!!! I f*cking HATE families. I have sooooo many family members that I have hardly anything to do with because I am scared of hurting my Mum, but they're MY family at the end of the day and if I constantly side with her and forget about them what will happen when she's gone?? I will have no one.
To be continued...
Sorry, had to get back to work.
Anyway, that stupid nob head my DBF calls a mate has been telling B (my best mate he cheated on his GF with) that when me and DBF were living seperately but were still together that he had numerous girls at his place at the weekend and was constantly shagging someone. A particular name was brought up and I know her because she used to work at DD's nursery!!
J said that her and DBF met up a couple of times and stayed in a hotel - hmmmmm sounds dodgey already. So yea, I decided to message her on facebook..... I basically said that I had heard through the grapevine that something was going on between her and my DBF and that I wasn't mad, I just wanted to know the truth as I have DD to think about. She took a while to reply, which made me think she wouldn't bother. She came back saying that she had heard these rumours had started 3 weeks prior to me getting in touch. She said there was a party at B's dad's house and basically DBF had gone there with J..... he hadn't told me because at the time he knew I wanted nothing to do with B & J as a couple. Anyway she said she recognised him because he has DD's name tattooed on his forearm and she said they genuinely had a nice convo about DD and also about how she was in a similar situation to us re not being able to afford to buy a house and have more kids etc. She explained after the party she saw him in town with DD and they just waved at one another, then DBF sent her a msg on facebook saying was nice seeing her and how he enjoyed their chat. I was a bit miffed at that because I don't see the need to let someone know who you barely know anyway that you liked talking to them, if you're not careful that could lead to more, ya know? So I don't know, I kind of believed her with all the stuff she sent me, like the messages between them etc.
Obviously, it's still in the back of my mind and DBF has not pulled nob head mate up for saying any of this. He wanted to wait until he saw him face to face as J is working on a diff site atm. However, DBF knows J will be going to a diff site so he won't see him for a while. I just think if it's all lies then DBF should be defending himself and trying to make me believe that none of it is true! I said this to him when it came out and I have said it today..... which lead him to texting nob head who is denying saying anything..... until I see the sent text and the reply I won't believe he has said anything.
I don't know.... I just wish nob head had never entered our lives. He's nothing but a trouble maker.... I know he hates me because I was in the middle of his little affair but I never lied about anything, ONCE so don't try and ruin my relationship because you f*cked yours up!!!
I went to see my Mum last night and I didn't have the balls to say "Oh btw, I'm inviting pretty much all of my Dad's side of the family to Leia's party."
I just knew she'd kick off or act real immature, stamp her feet and say "FINE, I am not coming."
That's not what I want, I would like everyone to come and feel welcome.
I don't know what to dooooo.... It's in 5 days! :eek:
I need to update you on Leia's birthday.....
I'm too emotional right now though!! I'm SO SICK of DBF :( If you have followed my whole journal then you will have read instances when he's been a jack a s s, and to be fair, it's very regular. I don't know though, everything about him is p*ssing me off right now and I have a feeling it's because of how I feel towards him at the moment. I have put up with so much sh*t regarding him, I honestly believe I'm starting to hate him!
When I met him, I was in my prime. I loved myself, my figure, my friends, my life... He was so proud to have me and I remember him wanting to 'show me off' to people he was close to at the time. To be honest, when I met him I wasn't looking for anyone... I had just got out of a relationship, a 4 month one at that and I was SO HAPPY. The guy I had been seeing previously turned out to be a control freak, telling me his friends had said they'd seen me kissing other people on the nights we spent with our friends. I was sick of him and left. So yea, the last thing I wanted was another bloke dictating and generally being an a ss.
So, we were texting (DBF and I) and he always wanted to see me. I felt a bit smothered but because I liked him I went a long with it. Literally months after meeting he wanted me to move in with him, so I did. Why? You tell me! He was living in a room in a shared house, I was living with my parents, so god only knows what I was thinking! Not long after that, I was pregnant. All of this felt so right at the time, we found our own place and all seemed ok. It all went wrong when I was about 6/7 months pregnant... the drinking, staying out late, arguing etc etc and it's gone down hill ever since.
One thing I never realised about him until the last couple of months, is how selfish he is. I've probably said this all before but it annoys me so much how his money is his and mine is ours. Don't get me wrong, he pays the rent where we are living now and he did spend a lot of money getting stuff we needed when we first initially moved in. However, he now relies on me to buy in the groceries all the time and if I was to ask him for money to put petrol in my car he goes nuts about it. it shouldn't be like this! I had about £50 left on Sat morning, we needed food and a few drinks as friends were coming round. I bought him a box of 12 cans of Carling.... he had a go at me because he only likes Stella, £10 wasted. I had about £15 left and I let him go get Stella with my last bit of money, only for him to start drinking the Carling when the Stella ran out!!!! I was raging. Yet I still let him use my last bit of money in the first place and I get repaid in no way at all :(
I will have to go for now as the boss is about but I will be back, grrrrrrr!
Ive actually realised that I give DBF such a hard time! Half the time, he's not really doing anything wrong but I think because I feel resentment towards him for things in the past, everything he does annoys me!
I need to stop it. He has been great over the last year, he has had his moments but nothing like it used to be. I feel bad that he's lost a friend, but at the same time I wouldn't want him hanging with such a DH! They're all so 2 faced it's unreal.
I need to think of a plan to get him some new, good mates.
I feel like a right spanner.
I want another baby so much but have always said now isn't the right time. I wanted to try between Oct and Dec to aim for Aug/Sept but with the way I have been feeling towards DBF I've been saying no way no how until I know things are gonna be ok.
Well, it was probably 2 weeks ago now, we had friends round and we got pretty drunk and had thee most amazing s-e-x. Mainly because it had been THAT long since we last DTD :confused: It's quite upsetting that DBF has to have his beer goggles on before he will get busy with me but hey ho, I'm not up for it when he wants to so I should be grateful right? LOL!
Anyway, I have been so ill.... I had a bout of vomiting at the end of last week and then on Tuesday I got hit with a real bad cold. I'm not 100% sure when I'm due on.... I THINK it's been and gone but then I'm thinking it could be the start of the month (Aug). I need to start keeping track!! Well, I have had really sore boobs and usually with that I would get period pains but I've had nothing.
It sounds daft but I will be really sad if my period comes.
The blob came on Saturday and I feel relieved. God I sound sooo stupid, but at first I was sad that i wasn't pregnant and now I am glad I can go back to be careful for a while longer until we sort our sh*t out.
I'm not sure if I am upset or angry but everytime I speak to my Dad he goes on about me dieting. He sent me a PM on facebook last night to watch a certain channel at a certain time. When I had a look, it was a programme about fat people who had lost the weight blah blah blah.
I sent him a message back asking him if he was trying to make me wanna shoot myself because I seriously felt like I wanted to!! Yes, I know I am OW, yes I know I need to do something about it. It's just a LOT easier saying it than doing it :(
I feel ambarrassed around him now because I think that alls he is thinking is 'Jeeeeez! LOSE SOME WEIGHT ALREADY!!' :(
I am so fed up today.
Can't even be bothered writing a big schpiel..... like anyone is interested anyway.
Sick of f*cking giving and getting nothing in return.