I just wanted to add that living on an island sucks sometimes! I still have what seems like a bazillion Christmas presents to be delivered that I ordered online, but because the boats keep being cancelled due to bad weather it's taking foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
I wouldn't change 'the rock' I live on for a zillion quid though, I love it here. It's the 'comeovers' that ruin it for us Manxies.
Yet another day where there is a huge argument.
DD is Mary in her nursery nativity tomorrow and now her Dad is saying he can't make it. WTH? She might never be Mary again, why would you want to miss this?
He has also said he is moving back to the UK mainland in April when the lease is up on our place we had together. So he's deserting yet another child :( I am so sad for DD, she does not deserve any of this!! Why didn't I pick more wisely when deciding to have a child?? I know for a fact that when he goes back he will not bother with her, he'll always be skint so he won't come here and I am certainly not paying to get her over there!!
Urgh. He is meant to have her this weekend because he has been busy pretty much every other and is the weekend after, but now he doesn't knwo what he's doing so is saying he doesn't know if he can have her!! I did threaten him with court, what else am I meant to do?? His response was that I'm an evil b*tch though..... how am I? I am just trying to get you to see your beautiful daughter who never asked for any of this!!
I went out on Friday night! Black eye Friday they call it, it's meant to be the busiest night before Christmas and lots of fighting.... something like that and believe me, I was nearly a statistic for other reasons!!
Had an absolutely brilliant night with B. Was her first night out since having baby C, so we wanted to let our hair down together :) She didn't pick me up until after 8 but that was ok because I had time to have a wine or 2 before I left home :) As soon as we got out of the car I was being pestered by men. Why can't they be good looking men though? They were dodgy looking alcho's in my opinion!! Tbh, I am SO not interested in having another man, I wanna live a little but sometimes attention is nice..... like I said though, from gorgeous young men only haha. Anyway the first place we went to was jam packed.... ?1 a drink explains it all but the place is tiny so I felt like a sardine, only not covered in oils just covered in split drinks!! grrr. We left and went to another pub where we could sit and have a chat for a bit. Next stop was a club and who was in there but the guy I cannot get out of my head these days!!
I would never go near him now as I know he has a gf and 2 kids - but it was nice to know I still had it and that he still wanted me after so long!
Background - I have known him since we were about 13 maybe? He was in a band with my cousins and when we were about 15/17 we hooked up. It was nothing serious, we just met up every now and then. We'd just go park up in the car somewhere, talk, kiss.... we did sleep together a lot but it was sex for him. I have to say, he is the most sensual guy I've even been with, like the way he touched me and I have never been able to forget it! lol. So yea, for whatever reason we stopped hooking up but whenever we saw each other out we'd always end up together by the end of the night. Until I found out he had a gf! I was in a club one night which had an upstairs and downstairs. I had gone upstairs and as soon as I walked through the door, someone grabbed my behind..... turned out to be him but I just shot him the 'you're unreal' glance haha. Anyway, however long later as I was coming down the stairs, him and his gf were coming out from downstairs and she started yelling at me to stay away from him! He literally had to hold her back from hitting me and so that made me angry so I yelled at her that she needed to control her man and tell him to keep his hands off of me.
I didn't see him for a while after that, until they had split up and he was out and about again..... we ended up in a hotel above the club we were in, whoops! The last contact we had was in Feb 09 and I'd thought of him ever since. Then I met him on Friday night. He was ALL over me, touching my behind, trying to put his hands up my top. I let him know whilst he had a gf he had no chance and that I wanted more than sex with him but we went our seperate ways before the night was over.
We walked to the last club and passed both our ex's on the way, who were chatting to some girls. I wasn't surprised but B kicked off, although they ignored her. When the night was over that J turned up outside the club and started yelling in B's face so she ran inside the hotel, so he started on me instead. Said the most horrible things, how I was fat and that's why I was single etc..... I was so angry and gave back as good as I got. I ended up texting ex DBF though, telling him he was to have nothing to do with DD as long as he had a friend like that!!
I'm meant to be out again next Friday but if it means bumping into J again I don't think I wanna! I'll end up in trouble otherwise.
It's been a weird couple of weeks.
B and I went out again on the 23rd, another great night but I did something very bad :( I took someone home with me! Trust me, I felt awful, like I was cheating. I was only rebounding though, the attention he gave me made me feel alive again and I haven't felt like that in a long time. It sounds ridiculous, but I felt young again and not just from the attention of a man. I saw sooo many people that I haven't seen for years and they were all lovely, asking where I'd got to haha. I lost touch with a lot of people whilst with DBF because he didn't like me goign out and he thought people had different intentions. My 2 best friends were male, Gillies and Wes..... used to have such a blast with them back in the day! We've all grown up now, Wes has a baby and Gillies is living it up in Spain but I have fond fond memories, love them both too bits!
Ahhh gotta shoot for a min....
Not catching up.... but posting something important!!
So I'm having 'one of those days' today :( Why do we as women have to suffer the witch, she does nothing for my mental state and make me feel miserable! Ack.
Life right now is pants. I'm stuck at my job, wondering when the heck my leaving date will be. It's like catch22, glad I have an income coming in, but just want to move on now. Nothing can be done until I leave though so that I can get my redundancy package. Then what happens if I don't get another job?? I'm literally screwed!
I have fallen out with my Dad, again. I only ever contact him to borrow money and on to him it looks bad but my reasons are it's the only time I actually get to him him, when he drops the money off to me :( I am sure I have said this before, but I am so upset at the Grandad he has turned out to be...... a **** one basically! He never sees DD, never asks how she is, never wants to take her out..... I truly thought he would never be like this. I guess he's just a typical man, only cares about what he has at that present moment. Right now, his gf and her DD are more important.
My Mum tries to be there for me, but we're so completely different it annoys me! She's not hard faced, but she doesn't show her emotions like I do and sometimes she will say things that make me feel like sh*t and like I'm a loser for being sad about things. I just want her to hug me and tell me all will be ok, but instead it's "oh, get over it already!" and it hurts :( My sister is just like her aswell, they always put me down for the personality I have. I can't help being who I am and if my own family don't like it, I have NO chance!
My BFF is still letting J treat her like a doormat and in the process, he's calling me for everything. OK, call me a pr*ck, a w*nker etc but why does he have to get personal and say I'm fat this, fat that?!! :( I let on it doesn't bother me but it really does. Who does he think he is??!!!! He's nothing but a cheating, lying scumbag. I want nothing to do with him, but then again I don't want to lose my friend. She's been a sh*t friend at times but she's also been the best aswell. DDs dad still gives him the time of day too, even after the pr*ck slagged me off in the street, saying I was single because I was so fat and such a mess....... if you loved someone as much as you proclaim, would you not tell your so called mate that he was completely out of order? DDs dad did, but he has bad mouthed me since and he's not stuck up for me again :(
Am I such a bad, worthless piece of sh*t that no-one actually even cares whether I'm here or not??????
I've just read my last entry and wowzers!! I get myself in some right tizwoz' #embarrassing.
F*ck that sh*t, life could be so much worse.
I'm back on track, diet commenced Monday and I have already lost 4lbs. In the process of trying to book a holiday..... we were aiming for Florida but it's just too god damn exspensive, so we have opted for All Inclusive in Salou, Spain :) I don't care where I go as long as it's hot and plenty for the kids to do!
Andrew and I are getting on better which is always a bonus.
I've learnt to accept that my Dad is a waste of time.
All I need is my daughter, my family and the few good friends I still have.
Nothing else matters.
So much but yet sooo little happens between my diary entries.
The latest is B and I have finally fallen out for good. One Saturday night, she called me because she'd called the police on J and she wanted to know if he was at mine (sure, cuz I'd have him here...not) anyway and by the Wed, she was giving the relationship a go and moving in with him. So, my mouth got the better of me and I said something about it, which wasn't mean but maybe I could've kept it to myself. Well, she is ignoring me now and won't answer my texts or calls. It's obviously easier for her to cut me out of her life so she doesn't need to worry about him getting p*ssed if I call round and stuff. That's fine, it's her loss. I am a tad upset that she could do this though but in the same breath I am not surprised in the slightest.
I don't need/want a friend like her anyways. Her other so called friend had a baby about 4 weeks after she did and just the other week B was telling me how ugly her kid is...... since she's stopped speaking to me she is spending more time with her, letting her look after her little one and stuff. Winds me right up.
So yea, that's going down - glad but not at the same time.
Wow - this year must be flying for me to have left updating for 2 and a bit months!! Ha.
Well, since I last updated, me and B are speaking again :confused: I know I know. I sound like a complete pr*ck after all I said in my last entry and if I am honest, I still stand by half of it. I struggled without her in my life though and I don't know why other than we were THAT close. She got in touch and apologised for the way she had just stopped talking to me and admitted it was because of J and that she needed me (what a surprise!) which I am happy to be there for her. So yea, we have been hanging out quite a bit with the kiddies and it has been nice :)
Our lease was up at the end of April on the house we currently rent and I was desperate to find a new one. Simply for the fact we're too far away from DDs school and my family... okay, it's not miles but I cannot afford the petrol now the prices have gone up again! ?20 goes within 2 days, bloody joke. So anyway, I found one advertised around the 4/24 and decided to go see it. DBF told me it had to be special to make him want to move (yea well you would say that cuz you don't have to ferry DD around everyday!) so yea, we fell in love with it. It is closer to her school and it has an extra bedroom, all for the same price we pay now. We move in 5/26 and I am SUPER excited :)
DBFs BFFs were over this weekend just gone and you know what, they treated me better than he does! Firstly, I offered to iron their clothes and Deano flat out refused to let me, said he thought it was disrespectful to let me do it. Wow haha. Then on Sat night they were out and I was at B's. I get a phone call at 01:15 and it's DBF, kicking off because he didn't have a key and I wasn't home. I hear his friend in the background tell him to not speak to me like that and that I was probably expecting them later than then, which was the truth! Yea, take that! Turns out Deano got too drunk and wandered off out the club. They had to go find him because he didn't have a clue how to get back to our place, ha.
Things with DBF are up and down, I know it will never change. I can't even remember the last time we DTD it's been THAT long :( I'm only 27 ffs, I should still be at it like a rabbit nevermind feeling like a virgin! Ah well, I will wait and see what happens once I get a new job (IF I'm lucky) and if nothing is better after moving into the new house then I know I have have HAVE to move on. I say it a million times over but once I know I can survive money wise on my own I will do it. It's a shame because I do love him but he's making me start to dislike him, a LOT and then the whole no sex thing is wrecking my head.
Well, that's about it for now I think. I'll be back sooner than 2 months next time haha.
Haha and there goes another 2 months of my life, in the blink of an eye!
Things with DBF are no better, he is like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute he's so loving and caring, the next I'm being called every name under the sun *sighs* We moved into the new house around May 26 and it was supposed to be a fresh start, try and leave the sh*t that's gone on behind us. Well, for the first couple of weeks we did nothing but argue :( What upsets me the most, is it's over the most trivial things yet it escalates into something major. I can handle it to a point, but the name calling and the 'just leave!' remarks hit me the most. DBF pays the rent..... we tried doing it where we split everything down the middle but it (for some reason) never worked. So he pays the rent, I pay nursery and bills and we share the food and petrol bills. Anyway, whenever we argue he always reminds me that he pays for us to live in this house and he almost always tells me to leave. He knows I have nowhere to go..... my Mum has made it quite clear that she would rather not have me move back in with her. It's fair enough, it didn't work last time and I obviously keep coming back she's probably fed up with it all. So yea, I need a new job so I can afford my own place!
Things aren't looking great on that front tbh :( I have applied for numerous roles but haven't even made the interview stage and I am starting to panic. I need a job so that I can move into my own place and to be able to support DD and myself. I know for a fact when I have no work, DBF will be even worse when it comes to him pointing out what he has to pay. It should not be like this, we are his family and he should be happy to be able to provide for us! I never chose to lose my job. What annoys me aswell is that he was made redundant himself last Sept, so he should understand what I am going through. Plus, as a partner should, I supported him through it and encouraged him. I'm getting none of that :( I am praying to god that a miracle happens ie I win the lotto and escape somewhere hot for a few months haha.
Lastly, my Dad text me (he's on holiday) on Saturday night to tell me that him and his floozy have got engaged. I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea how to feel or react but alls I do know is that he needs to tell my Mum. It's all over facebook, and it upsets me to know that people who don't matter know before she does. I'm not sure whether I should tell her myself, but then I really don't want to be in that siuation again :(