Just a little update.
Over the last month or so, I started to notice that DD has a dodgy left eye. I started to pick it up on pictures, but brushed it off thinking it was the angle the picture had been taken. Then I noticed it one day when we were having a conversation.... so anyway I took her to the opticians yesterday and they confirmed that the muscles behind her eye are weak. Luckily, it has not impaired her vision, meaning she does not need a prescription. However, she has been referred to a specialist who visits from the UK so that she can have a closer look. She will probably need glasses to strengthen the muscles which I would rather than her needing an operation! I will keep you posted how that pans out.
On the job front...
I was applying and applying for jobs, looking for interview experience and nothing was being offered to me. I was receiving the usual, thank you but we cannot take your application further so I started to sh*t myself. I have been in my current role for the last 8 years, so interviews terrify me. I just wanted a look into how they might pan out and obviously hoped I would get better with each one. Anyway, because I crapped myself I put myself forward for a job that was advertised where I am currently. It means that if I got the job, I would lose my redundancy.... but I would have a job and that is the main thing. Meanwhile, my manager asked me if I would consider staying until the end of the year as the job roll outs have been delayed. I was hmming and harring but because I had heard nothing from anywhere else I told her I would. This was all last week and now, I have 3 interviews lined up! Now I don't know if I definitely have to stay here until December and if I do, that would mean if I got one of these jobs I would lose my redundancy. That is an issue because these 3 jobs are in different companies, so if anything was to happen ie I was made redundant again, I would have no money behind me. So yes, I am totally unsure what to do.
DBF is NOT helping the situation. He is mad at me for saying I wanted to stay on longer and seems more concerned about me losing the money than me getting a job. Obviously I would love to get the money, I deserve it! However, I also need a job to provide for DD and I. What he doesn't get is he is the one who has made me sh*t myself. As he pays our rent, whenever we argue he tells me to leave and he always reminds me that he pays the rent and I don't. I need a job to make sure that if worse come to worse, I would have a job to get a place for me and DD. What an a$$hole, I feel completely unsupported.
What is redundancy? Is that like being vested in a 401(k)?
I will basically get 3 weeks of my monthly salary timed by how many years I have worked for this company.
Originally Posted by ShiningLight
So it's 16:14 and practically half of my work colleagues have left for the day. I soooo wish I could finish at 16:00, but Mummy duties call and I just HAVE to drop DD off at school for 09:00..... lol.
This has been the longest day EVER! I swear, everytime I look at the clock it is 5 minutes after I last looked and I fear the day might never end haha. On a plus, we're all off to laser blast tonight :) My Mum is sleeping DD over which means I can come home whenever I please, happy days. DBF doesn't seem too pleased though.... just called him to ask if he'd get DDs stuff ready so I can pick it up and go dtraight to my Mums, but as per usual, he was a grumpy old fart. I honestly don't GET him anymore.
PMA............ positive mental attitude from now on. I WILL get this job and I WILL make a better life for DD and I.
I was having a convo with my co-worker before and I have learnt SO much about some of the people I work with! For starters, a LOT of my managers are complete sleezes..... I have had a run in with a few of them but this was going back years. They're still upto their old tricks though and all of them either have children or are engaged to be married. Makes me sick and makes me wonder why I am not a lesbian haha.
I haven't spoken about my Dad for a little while and forgot to mention that he got engaged...... yes, that's right...... ENGAGED!!!!
Is he for real?? His divorce from my Mum only came through WEEKS ago!! Well, I will not be at the wedding. I'm sorry and I probably sound like a right spoilt brat but I don't care, she is only with him for his money. She makes NO effort whatsoever with his children, or grandchildren, so why should we pretend we are happy he's marrying a complete stranger?!!! Ah well, he will learn the hard way.
I am SOO angry!!!!!!
My cell isn't working atm so I thought I'd call DBF on the work phone to see if he was up yet (he works nights). So anyway, he answers the phone and I'm thinking 'he sounds weird', which I tell him and then I ask if he's had a drink and he tells me yes! At first I was mad because I thought he was bunking off work to drink but now I am angry because he's drunk before DD and I are even home!
I get everyone likes a drink and he doesn't drink as much as he used to, but normally every friday, he comes home from work and doesn't go straight to bed. He will start drinking instead, so by the time I get home with DD, he's drunk and useless to us. He reckons he does it to 'keep him awake' as he wants to sleep Friday night, ready for the weekend. I get that but drinking to stay awake?? PLEASE! Anyway, he isn't working tonight because one of the machines they use is down, ok, but WHY does he have to get drunk??!! If he wants to have a few beers, why can't he just wait until DD has gone to bed?? Why does it have to be during the day??
OMG, I could beat his a** right now!!! :(
I don't know. I wonder sometimes if I am too harsh on him but then I've been through so much sh*t caused by him being drunk I'm on edge straight away. I told him I was dropping DD off and going out but I can't leave her with him and yet I don't want to have to deal with him either.
Let my interview on Monday go well so that I can move the hell on.
disclaimer... I know I have said this since the day I started this journal but I have always meant it.
So I got home and it was clear DBF had been drinking. I was so p*ssed! My reasons for being annoyed are probably obvious if you read my blog, if not then it is because he has done and said really hurtful things in the past. As soon as I know he is drinking, it puts me on edge and I just can't help but voice my opinion. It makes me feel bad sometimes and that I am being too hard on him, but he has to remember that if he had treated me right from the start then it probably wouldn't be an issue.
Anyway, I never said anything to him in front of DD and he actually made the effort to play with her. He does anyway but I just thought because he'd been drinking he wouldn't be bothered about helping out. I got her tea ready and he put her to bed. Once she was sorted, he tried putting his music on. Right, now I don't mind listening to a bit of music but when he's trying to blast it out and DD is upstairs trying to sleep, absolutely no chance. Plus, I know it leads to more drinking with him and a restless nights sleep for me. Remember, I had work in the morning and DD had school and nursery! IMO, it's selfish. I was trying to get my point across to him that I don't want to come home to a drunk and I don't want DD seeing him like he was. He reckons she doesn't even notice because she's still young but I guarentee it won't take long before she starts asking me questions. Heck, we all here know what kids are like!
We ended up getting into an argument. We weren't shouting or anything but he was saying hurtful things to me and I'd had enough, so I told him to go f*ck himself and I walked out. I only planned on going to the shop for some things we needed which probably took me about 5 mins. When I got home, he was gone!! Are you f*cking kidding me?? it didn't take him long to return but I was livid...... he left DD in bed, alone in the house. I could not give a sh*t if it was for 10 minutes or 2 hours, who does that???? As he had only nipped to the shop, which only took 5 mins, in his eyes he'd done nothing wrong. DD was fine, no way would anyone enter the house whilst we were gone, no way would she wake up etc etc *rolls eyes* not good enough! He proved to me that I cannot leave her with him alone because I have no idea if he would do it again.
I'm at my wits end. I know tonight (haven't spoken to him today as my cell phone is broke) he will be all lovey dovey and over the weekend the same, but it's just not washing with me. I know he loves me but the respect isn't there anymore.
I have bullimia.
I can't believe it.
I always used to think people with ED were stick thin, bones protuding etc. I've been reading up on it though and it's confirmed for me that I DO have a problem :(
I can't help it. No matter what I eat, whether I binge or whether I just eat a salad.... I HAVE to go and be sick. I am overweight because it isn't an all day every day thing, it's more like phases. So for a month or so I won't do it, then for the next 3 months I do it every day. I find if life is getting me down is when it is at it's worst. It's bad, I don't even have to use my fingers anymore :( I can pretty much be sick on que.
I know I need to seek help, but I am so embarrassed.
Don't be embarassed so many people have this but it's not like they advertise, you're not alone and it's a really big step to admit this is a problem for you. My dad had it for years and I remember it from my childhood though it took me until adulthood to realize what he was doing.
You can and will get better. Find a group that will help you overcome this and know it will take time but you deserve to be healthy for yourself and Leia.
I agree. You know bulimia is there, and that's a first step. And let me introduce you to a new thought. You are a beautiful woman and you have amazing value. What are your plans to take steps to help you heal? Not only the bulimia but your life in general. DBF and your job are both affecting you greatly. (HUGS)
Thank you for replying Cindy.
I guess it's just embarrassing because I know it's self inflicted. I worry people will think I'm selfish and stupid, which I guess in a way is true!
I've known for a little while that I have it but just recently a girl I know who had anorexia passed away in her sleep and it's made me think about it a lot more. With everything that is going on atm re DBF an work I've noticed I've been really bad lately and I know I need to stop.
How do you strike up the convo with the Doctor though that you think you have it? I just feel like he will look at me and say 'don't be so silly!' because I'm not under weight.
Ooooh I don't know, it's a toughy.