So I text B on thurs/fri asking her to come round for a brew and I got 'i have plans sorry'. I knew she was being funny with me so I asked what I had supposedly done now. She basically said that I only contacted her to find things out so I could tell K (sorry but I haven't told K ANYthing since she has been back in the UK) that K was obviously more of a friend to me because I told her everything (sorry but if you hadn't have slept with her boyfriend there would have been nothing to tell!) and that I have only been in touch since she went back to the UK. Also bollocks as she was included in EVERYthing we did, camping, quad biking and a night out for DBFs birthday (K didn't even come to that because she was working) and our Halloween party. It was once her and J started sh*gging each other behind K's back that I hardly seen her because she was too preoccupied with him!! Anyway, I told her all of this and that I'm sick of being blamed for it all and I haven't heard from her since. It's her scan today and he has gone with her, so she will think all is rosey. In fact, he has been on the phone to K today arranging a meal etc when he goes back over on Friday for 3 WEEKS!!
I did also mention that she believes everything J and his step mum tell her and that it's me who cares. His step mum is only making an effort for the sake of the baby and the fact she doesn't want him to move back to the UK.... that is it. I am genuinely concerned about her feelings and the fact she's letting him treat her like a piece of meat, but no, I am the bad guy because she is too wrapped up in him. She will learn the hard way.
I am so bored of my life..... how can I make it exciting?!
I'm sure it's the same for the majority of families, ground hog day. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. I'm sick of it now.... I don't know what I want to do though! I wish I could win the lotto and live the life of riley, holidays all the time, shopping for food, clothes and having to worry about spending too much.
I wish I had a job I enjoyed getting up for. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I even have a job but it's so mundane and regimental, I need something different. Something that changes peoples lives, or where I am doing good for others. I look daily to see what is out there, but there is nothing that I feel I would benefit from so I don't bother trying. It's hard too, getting stuck in a rut, not just with my dad to day life but with work too. It's scary to think about moving into a new job role, what if I dislike the work and the people even more than I do where I'm at currently? I have too many responsibilties to just give it a go and then start jumping from job to job, if that makes sense?
Living on an island makes things 10x harder when it comes to further education. Our college doesn't offer a lot and if we want to go Uni, we have to travel to the mainland, which means living there for the duration of the course you do. Not really doable with a 3 yr old in tow! Plus, leaving work to study means no income and I need income to pay rent and childcare etc. PITA! I swear I will drill the importance of education into Leia and my future kids until the day I die!
I am feeling so down about my weight right now too. I had to stop the Cambridge diet because I was finding it hard to afford, which is annoying because I was doing so well! I had lost 17lbs in 3 weeks and felt great..... clothes were fitting me and I even went on a night out (very rare these days due to feeling self conscious!) As soon as I stopped, the weight came back on, well most of it and I'm back to square one. I wake up with a sore back, when I try to turn over it feels like my lungs are being squeezed and I struggle to breathe. My knees (especially my right one) are starting to hurt, I am snoring during the night..... it's just horrendous! Everything is such an effort and I need to change things as soon as possible. I will and can do this!!!!
I'm trying to get my life back on track, but by god it's hard!
Starting with debts.
I wish when I was 18-22 I'd known what a loan really was. At the time it seemed like a good idea, oh look, a sh*t load of money to buy what I want! Happy days. In fact, you don't think about how long it's going to take to pay it back, what other things you may need to pay out 3 yrs down the line. I got one out 6 years ago to buy a car, then I topped it up when I was moving into a place with my then boyfriend to buy furniture. It will finally be paid off in August!!
I didn't learn my lesson though and back in 2009, I took out a 3 grand loan....... what did I spend it on? F*ck knows!! It disappeared within days and I am still paying it back!
On top of the loans, parking fines. When I was 21ish, I accumulated sh*t loads. Rather than pay them straight away (when I could afford to) I just let them move to the back of my mind.... hoping they'd just 'go away'. Well, now I am paying for it. I worked out that I owe over £2k This will not be getting paid in full, but my £10 a month whilst I am waiting for my loans to finish.
I will do this. It may take me years, but it will be all worth it in the long run. On the way, I'd like to think I'd be able to have another baby too. Never say never.
Sorry if you don't like cuss words, but I'm about to go crazy with them!
This f*cking baby urge is driving me loopy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all I want and I can't explain why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't shake it, as much as I think I can't afford to do it, the more I want it!!!!! When is the right time??? When can you afford it??? What does it matter if you have no money to have a life, as long as you're providing for your kids and have a roof over your head, right??? Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, I am not that broke but it feels like it.
I am so f*cking sick of coming to work to pay for g*d d*mn parking fines!!!! Who's the clever d*ck that invented them in the first place??? I can't park behind my work without getting £40 slapped in my face..... I can't afford a fiver a day in the car park.... what the hell am I supposed to do??!!!! I can't walk from Leia's nursery to work because I won't make it back in time to collect her..... it's a f*cking nightmare. I have asked my team leader to try and get me a parking space underneath work, even until I have paid what I owe off.
Wow, the rants are coming thick and fast this week aren't they!
So I wanna know if I am being a jerk.
Those who have read my life over the past year will know my relationship with my Dad is not great. I mean, we haven't fallen out, we just don't see much of one another.
I thought moving into my own place would change that, but it appears to have changed nothing. In all fairness, my Dad did do his back in right before we moved in. So yea, he has been held up for a good few weeks and is signed off work. I have started making more of an effort with his girlfriend and tbh, she's alright. We get on, Leia loves her daughter who is 8 (I think) and they also have a dog, who Leia also loves LOL! So yea, whenever I see my Dad they're there. That's fine, sometimes, but all the time? Not really.
Leia used to love her Grandad but stopped asking about him. Then the other day she told me she wanted to go and see him. Not Caitlin, not the dog but Grandad. I was chuffed too bits, but they were out and so I sent him a text. I said something a long the lines of 'Leia has asked to see you so I was wondering if you could pop round sometime. Also, please don't take this the wrong way but do you think just YOU could come? Nothing against M, or Caitlin but Leia gets too preoccupied with them when they are here too and I want her to form a relationship with you Anyway, text back'
Well, he didn't reply. Typical. I sent another and he replied saying he'd get back to me as he isn't well. HE IS NEVER WELL!!!!! Seriously, one day when he actually has something seriously wrong, no one will believe him, urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!!!!!!! So yea, god knows how long it will be before he contacts me, it's always me who ends up getting annoyed and being the first to contact..... not this time. I'll see how long it takes him to remember his grandaughter!
After she fell out with me, I never heard from her for about a week. Then the Friday J was swaning off back to the UK to try and get K back, B was straight on to me, telling me how she wanted to kill herself and that she'd lost it with J the night before. A few days later, he'd been in touch and said he wasn't staying there as long as planned and he was coming back for good. So of course, B was on top of the world. The weekend he came back, I didn't hear from her, then the whole week not a thing. At the weekend, she text me a new number and was being 'normal' with me, but then I was getting one word answers. Now, she's just ignoring me!! WTH?
B and I are finally getting back to how we used to be. She has told me everything that has been going on with her and J and the fact that he has done nothing but bad mouth me. I get he hates me, because he had to come clean to K because I knew everything. I just don't get why he thinks he can control B and tell her who she can and can't be friends with. He is telling her he wants to move in with her now, which yea that's fair enough with the baby coming in Nov. I know for a fact though that he will tell her who she can and can't have around the house! I have told her not to rush into anything and hopefully she won't but we will see.
I have been having a rough couple of weeks as of late. I feel really down and I guess I have been craving for the life I had before DBF and DD. Do you ever for a split second wish you could do whatever the heck you wanted? Like, go shopping and buy loads of new things, meet up with your friends for food and chats, go out on the town and return home and whatever time you please......
I have been thinking about all this lately.... and don't get me wrong, I love my DD with all my heart and wouldn't change her for the world, but I do miss having a life. I guess sometimes I envy the fact that DBF seems to still be able to do what he wants. He hasn't got to worry about how DD is getting to and from nursery or how the childcare will be paid because it is me who does both. I am not saying he doesn't help me out because he does, he pays our rent and we both take turns in stocking up with food.... I just wish that I could say 'right, I'm going to go for some tea and a few drinks with so in so tonight' and know that whoever would collect DD for me and I wouldn't have to worry for a change. It'll never happen though and maybe I am being selfish in my thoughts but as of right now I can't help the way I feeling. No one said having a child would be easy but I guess the fact that I don't have many people around to help me (and yes, I live in a very close vicinity to ALL my family) gets me down sometimes. I don't like to ask because they all have kids if their own and then when it comes to my Mum, I don't ever want to come across like I am taking the p*ss always asking her to sit for me. That being said, she always seems to be watching my niece for my brother so if I was to ask she probably wouldn't be available anyway. My Dad I wouldn't trust with her on his own. Not because he would do anything but I don't think he'd be vigilant enough with her and I dunno, it's a weird one! That being said he wouldn't want to anyway because he is too wrapped up in his new life/family.
Arrrgh, just feel like I have a lot on my plate atm. DBF has always had his JERK moments since the day we got together and TBH, it happens in fits and starts. For a good few months he will be amazing and then for the next 3 months he can be a complete a** hole! The bedroom department has been sh*t since we had DD.... I mean I get it but very rarely and that also puts me on a downer. About 2 or 3 weekends ago, I went to our room and called him in.... I had got naked (TMI but hey ho) and I was trying to be all sultry.... he walked in and said 'Oh no babe, not now. I am starving!!!' Talk about being completely SHOT down. I was devastated and sat crying my eyes out, probably because I felt humiliated but also because I thought to myself, what man would turn this down.... like not me but sex in general!!!! Anyway, we still haven't had it and I am gagging!! Sorry, but I am. I have my needs as does everyone. Anyway, I'm just going a long with everything atm.... we will see what happens.