DBF found out on Monday that he could be getting laid off work. He's worked for the same company the last 5 years but as we all know times are hard! He will find out on Friday what is happening....
I'm annoyed with him a little, I know he is worried but so am I! He pays the rent with his wages, I just cannot afford it on my own as I pay nursery fees and bills so I too am worried what will happen re living arrangements it he can't find a job that matches his current pay packet. He doesn't get this though. He's all about how he is feeling, forgetting that this affects me too.
He told me that he couldn't go back to living in a bedsit which is fair enough, but then he's saying he'd end up going back to the UK where he's from. When I said if that's what he thinks he'd need to do then to do it, he blew up on me saying I didn't give a sh*t. Well, yes I do but there is nothing I can do about it. It's out of my hands and it's upto him to find another job..... It's like he expects me to work miracles but I'm just as screwed as he is and I could do without the stress of it all
Well my not so little girl starts pre-school on Monday, I cannot believe it! This moment has come around so fast and I am not ready for it TBH haha. Her uniform is so cute, albeit way too big on her. When I took her to get school shoes, she's still so small they only had one pair in the shop.... luckily they were just what we were looking for
Dbf still hasn't found a job, although he did have an interview on Tuesday that he thinks went well and we've heard his name has been mentioned a few times. Fingers crossed something comes out of it as it sounds like a good job to have.
Me and my so called BFF had yet another falling out over that c*ck who got her pregnant, didn't speak for about 3 weeks. All of a sudden, he's not interested in her anymore and she's back in touch Does my head in, she's was straight in there telling me what's been going on and then wonders how I know everything!! I am really not interested, I hate that mother f*cker with an absolute passion!! He's caused nothing but sh*t since this all started going on and I just wish he'd f*ck off out of my life for good. I'm still not happy with the fact that DBF is friends with him. AFTER he tried breaking us up saying DBF had cheated on me. I still don't know if this is true but the more I think about it the more I think there must be some truth in it for them to still speak??!!!
Anyway, I dunno, it f*cks me right off.
The n*b jockey has finally moved back to the UK as of Wednesday but she still thinks it's possible something will come of them both. Are you kidding? You're 9 weeks away from having his kid and he's f*cked off!!! What makes you think he wants you??!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET A REALITY CHECK. Honestly, I'm tempted just to f*ck her off, I'm sick of hearing about the whole situation.
On a plus note, we're going to FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Yehaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, it's been a while hey! It's sh*t, I don't have access to internet at home so have to update in work.... which isn't always easy! lol.
So DBF got the job, woooohooooo!!!
He was so chuffed, bless him and started this Monday. He absolutely LOVES it. He is earning less wages but he gets to do overtime from next week which will make up what he's losing and more, so he's happy about that. He has it cushty there too, working 7-3.45 every day except friday when it's 7 until 12!! All the food in the canteen is FREE and every other Thursday they get caterers in for staff and family. How cool is that huh?
All is the same old with me, still plodding a long in the same job, which btw I've been in for 7 years come Dec!!! I've not done the same thing for that long, jeez, I'd have topped myself by now ha, but wow. Seven years is pretty good going if I do say so myself. At least I can say I can hold down a job haha. I still want a new one though, it just seems everything that comes up that I'm interested in is shift work which wouldn't really work for me.
DD started pre-school on the 12/09 and she is having a ball! The pre-school is in the school she will be attending from next year, so she already has her uniform and she loves putting it on in the mornings haha. I can tell, when they're all playing in the playground before they go into school, that she is going to be a complete tom boy. She ignores the girls and runs around with the boys lol!!
You know what, I love her SO bl**dy much. How do you explain to people the love you feel for your child? She just lights up my whole life.
BFF is having a c-sec tonight and I am insanely jealous
I don't know, it's a mixture of being fuming that a pr*ck like HIM can make a child and not give a flying f*ck for the last 9 months. Then all of a sudden, he can't wait to meet the baby, that he doesn't deserve in my eyes. He's just one big f8cking waster and should be sterilized before he fathers any more kids!!
Not only am I mad about him, I am mad about the sad state my relationship is now in. JULY!! That's when I last had s e x!!! Are you f*cking having a laugh..... I can't handle it. I used to love it, and probably still would but it's been that long I worry it might hurt!! I was honest with DBF and told him it's making me think of other men ie ones I used to see when younger but we never had a proper relationship. I wonder what could have been had we given it a shot. He wasn't best pleased as you can imagine and I would never cheat on him, I just thought he needed to know how I felt. He probably feels the same but would never admit it. Again, the whole 'has he cheated on me?' comes into it.
I don't know what to DOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I have, so many times, sat down and tried talking to him about this. He gets all het up, like I'm making an issue of nothing but then he will agree and nothing ever changes. He is either fast asleep on the couch by 8 or he is having a few cans. When he's tipsy, he wants a bit and grabs at me but ya know what?!! I will NOT sleep with you if you need alcohol to make you want to. I aint gonna lower myself, I will wait until you actually want to make love to me and not just want a dirty ride!!! URRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!
It's so bad, if I could I would leave. I have nowhere to go though. My Mum has made it clear that she likes living on her own, which makes me not even want to ask! Jeez, I swear if I was my Mum and DD was in my situation I would wlecome her with open arms! I would never make her live a life she wants out of Plus, I might be losing my job. How can I support me and DD with no job??!!! This is f*cking sh*t. I have no idea what to do, I can't do anything until I know what is happening with my job. Sooner I know the better, get a new job and be on my f*cking own
I had thee most amazing dream last night. If only it was real....
There were a group of us girls and a group of guys. The guys had to pick a girl to be paired up with.... I was literally chosen by the guy of my dreams. He was slightly taller than me, with blue eyes and mousy brown hair that he had gelled over to the side. His skin was naturally a little darker and his hands were workers hands. I was so nervous, we all had to dress ourselves up, nothing posh just something we felt nice and comfortable in. I wore a green, floaty dress.... see I've always been told that the colour green makes my eyes stand out. I let my hair flow naturally and I had on simple jewellery, a ring and a pair of diamond stud earrings. The best bit of my outfit were my shoes, nice cosy uggs. See, I didn't want to be taller than my dream guy, I wanted to be able to stare him in the eyes.
We were taken into a restaurant, all the guys were together some sat some standing. My guy was standing and he looked absolutely devine. He was wearing a smokey grey shirt with a waistcoat and matching trousers. As soon as I walked in the door, he shot a glance over and our eyes met. I shyly looked at the floor and when I looked again, he had his head down with a smile on his face whilst he played with his bracelet.
The girls had to wait at the bar, until their guy came over to take them to the table.
I was gushing, had major butterflies in my stomach. I could see my guy fidgeting, waiting for his turn to come and get me.... I was left standing on my own. I glanced over and seen my guy rub his knees, take in a deep breath and stand up. Fireworks were exploding inside my head, I wanted to run upto him and wrap my arms around him but I had to remain composed as hard as it was. He walked upto me and stopped. With the most gorgeous smile on his face he said 'hello, I'm james', took my hand and led me to the table. He was a complete gentleman, pulled out my chair for me, asked me if I needed anything etc.
For what seemed an eternity, we stared into each others eyes smiling from ear to ear. He broke the silence telling me I was beautiful and that I have the most gorgeous eyes he's ever seen. I smiled shyly, thanking him and repaying the compliment.
We did nothing but talk, had so much in common. He reached over to hold my hand and told me he wanted to do this again, then he lent in and kissed me.
I felt like Bella off Twilight at her prom. It felt like we were the only 2 people in the room and that me and him were all that mattered.
Suddenly, I was taken out of my trance when the guy who was there playing his keyboard started to sing 'Lady in red'. I told James how much I loved the song and he asked me to dance. He took me by the hand and led me to the dancefloor..... he wrapped my arms around his neck and he placed his hands upon my waist. He told me how he thought me wearing uggs was ridiculously cute, then he kissed me on my nose and we danced the rest of the night away....
It's official (I know I have said this before!) I am now a single parent.
Dbf and I had a heart to heart last night and both agreed that we will never learn to get on. As much as I wanted it to work, he admitted he didn't know how to make it happen. That to me proved that the love was lost..... otherwise he would know what he had to do to make us both happy.
Last night I was in tears, but today I am surprisingly ok. I think I know so much that our r/s has just run it's course and I am happy to try and rebuild my life again. Hopefully as we discussed we can remain friends for the sake of Leia and I realise it can take time etc but the last thing we both want is it turning nasty. Who knows what might happen if one of us meets someone new but I know on my part that is the least of my worries. I want to focus on getting me back and I don't need/want a man whilst in this process.
I moved back to my Mum's on Saturday, after me and the ex had a massive blow out. I knew it would happen eventually, just maybe not so quickly! I am upset because he's ruined my Christmas.... he could've been around but now he's made things awkward so he can't be and I am mad at him for that.
I have been so weak since the break-up, letting him know how heart broken I am. He's been using it to get to me, ignoring my texts, not bothering with me etc. Although, let me just tell you he is bothered when he is bored with nothing better to do!
I am hurting so bad and if I am honest, I didn't think I would be in this much pain. I thought I was ready to go, that enough was enough and that he was making me hate him. I guess any break-up isn't that easy and the fact we have our DD makes it a lot harder to let go.
I would never go back. I have weak days where I consider it but in all reality, there would be no point in putting myself or my DD through it.... to only leave again in a week or even a few months. Do not get me wrong, there's nothing more I would love than to be with him as a family. I hate being a statistic, one parent family My daughter deserves more and I feel like a failure because I let this happen. I need to stop torturing myself but it is hard when I look into her gorgeous blue eyes and she asks me 'where is daddy?' It could be worse, he could be dead and then I wouldn't know what to say to her! Luckily, she asks very rarely but I remember those odd occasions.