If he's an intelligent doctor he'll know that many people with bulimia aren't underweight and if he isn't smart enough to accept it then find a better doc. This is a coping mechanism just like some people use food, anorexia, drugs, alcohol, etc.
I would just state that you find yourself causing you to vomit when things are stressful and it's something you need help with. It won't be the first time they've heard it nor the worst they've heard.
I am building myself up to visit the Dr. I told my Mum the other night and her response was "shouldn't you be skinny?"..... great stuff Mother. I get where she is coming from though as I said before, I always thought if you had an ED you were unwell looking. Anyway..... let's move on from that.
I had another rubbish weekend with BDF. He was invited out by a friend and he kept telling me he didn't want to go..... I however told him that if he chose to stay home, I didn't want him drinking. My reasons, simply being we argue and I could not be bothered with it. So yea, he decided to go out. The last time he met this friend, he stayed out all night so I made clear to him that it better not happen again. Well, guess what! He didn't come home until 9am the next day! I was so mad, especially because I have been unwell but I decided to not let it show in front of DD and I took her out for the day. On Sunday, he again didn't want to do anything with us because he was having pains which I am pretty convinced is drink related. I went to see my Mum that night and I let her know how down I was feeling, how I have bulimia and I think it's worse when things are stressing me out. How I am upset that DD is turning into a brat, thanks to me and DBF. Her reaction was not what I wanted, she never told me to move home and that she would make everything better. She didn't hug me like a mother should IMO...... I left even more upset. I got home and she had tried to call me, then she text telling me to come home. Those few words made me feel 100% better, knowing that if I wanted to I had the choice.
I told DBF what was happening and at first his reaction was nasty. Then he changed and begged me not to go...... I told him I was angry that I had to leave with DD when in fact, he'd been the d*ckhead, he should be the one to go. The last thing I want to do is have to move back home with Mum, but DBF isn't giving me much choice! Anyway, I haven't gone, I am still there and DBF is trying harder. I know it won't last because a person can only pretend for a certain amount of time. We have said that if he screws up one more time it will be over and that HE has to leave, NOT me and DD.
My period is late.
Can you imagine? I'm only 2 days late but I am so regular normally and as of right now I'm having no AF symptoms, so yes. That is very worrying!
This has been the hardest weekend of my life, and for a change it is nothing to do with DBF. In fact, he has been great!
I took Thurs and Friday off work as wasn't feeling any better from the weekend. I decided to take DD to nursery so I could get some rest. So I go to pick her up on Friday around 4pm and as soon as I walk through the door, I'm told the manager and owner of the nursery want to see me. Straight away I was wondering what I'd done, then I started to worry DD had done something bad. I was ushered into the kitchen where more parents were gathered. They did not look happy, some looked like they had or were about to burst into tears! So the owner started reading from a piece of paper and I heard "police" and pressumed it was to do with double parking outside the nursery. The I heard "a member of staff has been arrested due to indecency towards children" and I was thinking WTF? Am I hearing this right?? When I realised what she was saying, I burst into tears as did other parents and as I composed myself, the owner started to cry. It was like being in a movie! This sh*t only happens in movies or you hear it on the news about places a million miles away from you. NOT at the nursery your child attends, NOT the nursery teacher who looks after your child all day, every day!
Basically, a child had told his parent that something happened regarding this teacher so the mum called the police. They arrested the teacher and upon doing so, have found indecent images of children. As far as we are aware, they're not of children from the nursery but we don't know if that has been after an exstentive search or if it could come out that more have been found and in fact our children are involved!
I was SO scared to tell DBF. He has always said to me that we cannot trust anyone when it comes to DD (he was sexually abused as a child), but because of the sheltered life I have had (being on a small island where you know everyone!) I have always stuck by the fact that people like that are a rarity and that our DD is safe! Well, when I told him he was so angry and rightly so. Even if nothing has happened to DD, the fact she has been around someone like that makes me sick because she was in an unsafe situation. I would like to think that if anything had happened she would have told me, probably not in a sinister way but thinking it was funny that her teacher had touched her..... I just can't be sure though. We have been advised not to question the children as it will then implant the seed. I am waiting on hearing from the police, so that DD can be questioned by a professional...... it makes me so mad that she even has to be put in that kind of situation!! What is wrong with people?!!!
As the person involved has been suspended and is no longer there, DD has gone to nursery today a long with many of the other children. It is just so hard now to trust people and DBF is even jubious about letting her play in the neighbours house..... it just stinks so much
In othr news, I am 1 week and 1 day late with no signs of AF. I took a test at 4 days late and it was bfn, we shall see.
I'm now 1 week and 3 days late and I feel excited at the thought I could be pregnant. I know I know, wrong timing! I have wanted another child since the day DD was born though and the thought of having another really really excites me and makes me feel happy. If AF shows up I will be so sad!
I know it's possible though. I'm just confused that I am so late though because I never usually am and yes I have an ED but that has never affected it before?? Ah well, what will be will be I guess.
I finish work on Friday for 2 whole weeks, I am so happy about this. We go to Chester Zoo a week on Sat too and I can't wait! I can't rmember the last time I left the IOM! Probably before Leia turned 2.... waaaay too long.
On a positive note, if I'm not pregnant then I can still take my holiday I have planned for May! So, either way it'll be ok
Not much else to update on...... I am sick of my family..... not one of my Dad's side contacted me on DDs birthday and even since it came out about her nursery nurse, nothing! They could not give a f*ck about us.
Sorry about the change in font, I just fancied experimenting.
I was thinking about how I might come across on here and on facebook. I don't know about you guys, but I only ever tend to update my journal or my status on facebook when I'm either p*ssed off or extremely down. I've figured that I am making myself look like a right miserable tw@t!
I'm really not. Half of what I write in this blog I never mention to people around me. I just figure that none of it will ever change and people don't really care that much about how you feel so you might aswell keep it to yourself. I know that if I don't get it out somewhere though, I will end up either losing the plot or taking it out on someone I shouldn't.
I'm genuinely happy all of the time and guess I've learnt how to cover up my feelings well. My closest friends ie school friends know how I roll and my family just think I'm a deep thinker. I have obviously had times when I will let my guard down but it always results in family telling me I'm being too sensitive or that I am 'imagining it'.
I'm at such a difficult time in my life (IMO) and sometimes it all gets on top of me wondering how to deal with it or make the situation change. For example, my Dad getting engaged. I don't know how to feel but then when I see his now fiancee writing things to him on facebook about how she's going to be a 'M*ck**' soon it irritates me. Then I see her writing to people about how they will probably get married in Blackpool (her hometown) and how her daughter is going to be bridesmaid. I bet you all, $20 each that I do not get an invite. I'm going to sound like a div, but I don't want to go anyway! However, if they leave me out I will feel very hurt about it..... weird huh? I guess, I feel like the closeness I had with my dad is gone and that once he marries her it will be gone for good. That being said, I'm sick of being the one to make the effort..... my dad should want to have me involved (in his life in general) but right now it seems he's on cookoo land and I don't exist there.
His family annoy me too. Growing up, we were all so close ie me with my aunt and my cousins and we would go visit them at least once a week. Now, I'm lucky if I see them once in 6 months! I'm pretty sure the last time I seen them all was in March, how bad is that? Then I see my dad's fiancee tagging my family in posts about how good a night they all had...... where was my invite? It's like when my dad left the martial home, his family forgot about me. It is so upsetting. Between my cousins they have 13 kids between them..... that's 13 cousins DD hardly ever sees. I want her to have her family incase anything happens to me but they just don't seem bothered. Ah well.
I've been off work for the last 2 weeks so this is why I've been MIA. I bet none of you even noticed though haha.
Usually when I take time off work, I have DD with me a few days and the rest of the time I still put her in nursery. Mainly because I'd still be paying but also because it's nice to have a break. Anyway, I kept her off with me the whole 2 weeks this time and I loved every minute She can be the biggest PITA but it's just brought us closer together and she melts my heart.
We visited the UK and went to Chester Zoo, her first time seeing proper animals ie tigers and lions and bears..... OH MY! haha. Then we did the usual, swimming, indoor play areas, park, beach and chilling. Today is my first day back at work and I already have an interview set up for Thursday in our complaints department, arrrrrrrrrrgh!! I'm not scared rly, just the thought of rejection scares me.
Had a few fallings out with my sister whilst off too. She was off the same time and on our second day, she was in a mood with me because I hadn't arranged to do anything with her. Get a grip. Then when we went to the UK, she had a go at me because I wouldn't have my nephew's bday present for the day and told me I had a bad attitude...... THEN she told me because DD still has a dodey for bed it's child abuse!! Are you serious????? Also I apparently baby her too much *rolls eyes* I'm pretty sure if that was the case she'd still be being carried everywhere, have a stroller and sleep in a cot, right??
SHUT THE F*CK UP!
I have had nothing but sarky comments and drama relating to her for my whole life. I've finally had enough of the bull sh*t, I'm not 12 anymore! She has tried to beat me up on a number of occasions, she always bashes my personality or the "way I am" and I am not taking it. She has been through sh*t in her life that I'd wish on no-one and I have always been there for her, but my problems or worries are big deals to me and she is never there for me. She just tells me I'm too soft or take things too personally. STFU and be my sister!!!!!
Anyway haha..... We'll get through it.
17 WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!
I cannot WAIT because last year was my worst ever, therefore I plan on this year being AMAZING!
So for the last hour I have been looking at clothes websites. I'm desperate, I walk round like a right scruff and unlike most women I only own 4 pairs of shoes! Why can't I buy myself anything then? I will fill up my baskte with tops and shoes and then when I come to checkout, I fill out all my details and close the webpage before I can "proceed with the payment". Sometimes, I just can't justify the ?50 it's going to cost when I could be using my money to get something new for DD or more food in the cupboards. I wish sometimes that I was a little more selfish..... like DBF.
Don't get me wrong, he pays his way with important stuff but say for example we're having a bad week and we're struggling for money to get petrol (gas)... he will refuse to take any money out of his savings, even though he HAS IT and knows we won't have to struggle for that ONE week. I WISH I had spare cash I could save but I really don't. My monthly wage it pittons and it's funny because over the last few months it has gone down almost ?100 and I don't know why! I pay DDs nursery which practically wipes out half of my wage, then I pay a loan that DBF and I got out together. Then I pay our gas and electricity bills and I also have my car insurance so it's not like I don't pay my way. I really hope not having nursery to pay next month will help me out, although DBF asked me if I'd start giving him ?100 a month...... I don't want to! I think I have paid enough the last few years and deserve to have my money to myself for once or at least until I get myself a new job. Am I being unreasonable??
I honestly reckon that if I had a twitter account and word got out, I would have a million and one followers just because of the soap opera life I lead.
Got in my car with DD this morning and the damn thing wouldn't start!!!!!!! Are you f*cking kidding me?? To make matters worse, I have a g*d d*mn job interview at midday and my head just isn't with it, AT ALL!!!
So I got to work late...... my Mummy picked us up. I honestly don't know what I would do without her, she is my Queen, my one and only. I called my local garage and they said they could pick my car up but wouldn't be able to look at it until the middle of next week. Whaaaaaaaat? I neeeeeeed my car grrrr. So, I called a garage closer to work and they're picking my car up today. I'm just worried now about how I am going to pay for it. One thing after another, I tell ya! It's my birthday on Monday though so if my Dad bothers his a$$ and gets in touch, I'll just ask him to pay for it as a present to me.
OMG, an hour and 20 mins to go until the interview. WISH ME LUCK!!!!!
I had my interview on Thursday and I 'think' it went OK. The 2 guys who took it though are super nice so I'm not sure if I was lead into a false sense of security haha. We shall see..... I hope I'm not waiting another 6 weeks before I hear anything!
I had a lovely weekend.
Our friends Lisa and Ryan came to visit us on Saturday with their 2 LOs. I was happy because I felt completely house bound not having my car! It gave DD someone to play with and me some adult time
My Mum let me borrow her car to go shopping for food on Sat night and so I had it Sunday too. I took DD to visit Beth and then we went to see my Mum who had put on some food for my birthday. It was lovely, my uncle was visiting from the UK so I got to spend some time with him and my cousins Ashleigh and Helen. They're such gorgeous women, I wish we saw more of each other. My childhood friend Kylie moved back to the island on Thursday, after leaving with family when we were 16 and she showed up at Mum's to surprise me. Awwww, she is just the best! She has forced me into doing something tonight seeing as it's "my day of birth" haha. Her, Beth and Julia are coming round for food and giggles
I was quite annoyed at DBF on Sunday too. I told him the plan and said I wanted him to make the effort and come with me, seeing as it was for my birthday. He promised me he would, but when it came to leave he made a song and dance about it so I told him not to bother. He bought me a new camera though, so I felt bad being mad at him...... although I still think he was out of order!
So I put my car in this specific garage, under the impression that they would look at it on the day and get it sorted for me asap. Well, it's now Monday and they haven't even looked at it. I am livid because my preferred garage couldn't look at it until Wed, which is why I went somewhere else.
They better get it sorted otherwise I'll kick off!!!