I can't believe it's been over a month since I last updated here!
There's not much really going on here if I'm completely honest. The usual business of work and no play.
Things with DBF have been a lot better, although I have to say he is one misery guts. He moans about everything from a plate being left in the sink to the cat getting it's litter everywhere. Seriously, how is moaning going to solve anything?! If anything, it brings me down..... imagine living with someone and hearing nothing but "oooh that effin cat.... babe, why haven't you washed that cup?.... I've only have 6 hrs sleep...." SHUT THE FUDGE UP!! He's like Jekyll and Hyde, seriously.
I haven't seen my friend B since Nov 7th, her daughter's 1st birthday. Everytime we arrange to meet up, she cancels on me so I decided to quit contacting her. She then text me last Wed and said we should meet before Xmas so when I told her I'd come on Thurs evening, she never replied. I never turned up and she asked why I let her down! Whatever. Her and J are getting on atm so it's expected really.
I was having the family round mine for dinner and boy was I nervous. My Mum had bought everything (helped by us with vouchers) and she brought it all upto mine about 2 days before. It was all sat on my cooker, defrosting and I am thinking "where the heck am I plating all this up?" haha. My kitchen is big but there's hardly any work surface!
It turned out to be a success, although I couldn't have done it without my Mum. She's just the best and I love her so much. I should probably tell her more often than I do!
I'm finding life really difficult at the minute, if I'm honest. Not that I don't want to live or anything ridiculous like that.... I want another baby and I want to get married but these 2 things seem a million miles away. Especially when it seems that everyone around me is pregnant or engaged I need a romantic Prince to sweep me off my feet and do the needful!
Another 2 whole months have flown by!! This always seems to happen to me haha.
So much has happened, it's hard to know where to start - we all know my life is such a soap opera.
The last couple of months have been a major struggle for me. I actually believe that I am depressed but come on, it is so embarrassing for me to admit it. I actually had a conversation about it with DBF and I couldn't help myself from crying like a baby! His words were "life isn't that bad" and right there, he confirmed why I am too scared to tell anyone, let alone a professional.
I don't think I have a bad life, I mean I do struggle financially but I have a job and I have a roof over my head. The main issues are my relationship with DBF..... We still bicker all.of.the.time and it is waring! I try my best to ignore him but it is hard work sometimes, especially when I just wanna shake him and tell him to wise the hell up.
Another issue is my relationship with my Dad. We fell out again, for the millionth time and it was because I asked if I could visit him with DD and he told me no. It really hurts my feelings and he is constantly making out that I hate his new woman which is not the case. I just don't see why I need to have a relationship with her if I want to have one with him.
Lastly, but mainly it is my body issues.
I am constantly dieting and I will do really well and then, for whatever reason I fall off the wagon and everything I lost I gain again. I walk around looking like a tramp because I have no clothes and I hate buying clothes in plus sizes. I thought my holiday would motivate me and for a few weeks it did, but like I said I fell off for some reason and now I can't get back on it. It's a vicious circle, I feel down and I don't want to go out of the house.
I do go out of the house though, especially now that the weather has gotten a tiny bit better. Plus I have DD to think about and I can't have her going stir crazy too haha. We're always somewhere with each other and it is good for the soul, for both of us.
I love her so much ya know. She has been so good at school lately and she has made some really close friends. She is also attending gym classes which she loves and I always feel so proud watching her tackle the moves. I would like to get her into some sort of dance classes but I will wait another while and until she starts asking to join them lol.
That's about it anyway, I'm sure I'll think of more later!
I reeeeally wanted Breaking Dawn part 2 or JT's new album but neither were out on time - boooo! DBF, I mean DD gave me some money to get both when they go on sale.
We went with all the family for a carvery at a place called Niarbyl. It was delicious and the views from where we sat were beautiful, oh and it snowed too to add to the lovliness of it all.
It was 10 weeks yesterday until our holiday - I cannot wait to get away for a while and enjoy doing nothing. I still have quite a few bits I need to get but I'm sure by the time it is here I will be all sorted. If not, as long as I have our passports it's just tough if I don't have enough clothes haha. I'll most prob be living in my swimming attire anyways.
Did I mention that we got a cat? I don't think I did but yes, we got Misty from the local animal shelter back in Oct when she was about 7 weeks old. DD absolutely loves her too bits and luckily Misty is really good to let her cuddle, kiss and pick her up. She is tabby in colour but instead of stripes, she has spots like a snow leopard. She is gorgeous. She has a poorly right eye where the second eye lid doesn't open all the way, but it doesn't affect her too much. It just waters more than normal - the vet said they will see how it is when she's fully grown. We had to take her to the vet last night because I noticed she was limping on one of her back legs. She's just recently been spayed and so has been going outside and I think she may have fallen from a fence in our back garden. The vet said nothing serious was wrong thank goodness and gave her an inflammatory shot just to be safe.
I am soooo sick of the cold now, this holiday could not come soon enough. 6 weeks though, oh my god hehehehehe.
Leia is super excited, it is all she talks about - but then it's all I talk about too hahaha.
10 days to play in the pools, sunbathe with a cocktail, play on the beach, jet ski, go out for food, be warm lol.... awww it will be lush!
The most exciting thing about it though, is that me and DBF are trying for another bambinoooo!! No wondering if I am by mistake, but actual TRYING, ooooh YES!! I am praying to GOD that this happens for us.
I'm doing it again! Like facebook, only updating when sh*t hits the fan. That way, I look like a right depressing cow bag *hmph*
Guaranteed, when the witch arrives I have an emotional meltdown and everything that reeeeeally bothers me comes to the surface.
Why can't things just be normal around here?
I have such a huge family, yet I can count on one hand the people in it who bother with DD and I. My Mum, sister and brother and that's about it. I will forgive my uncle because he lives away - he bothers when he is here and she loves him.
So, my Dad's wedding was in March and I went a long - more for myself so that I didn't feel guilty. It was awkward as hell, even with the extended family because I know they did not expect me to show up. My auntie, who I used to be very close with barely spoke to me. When she did she said "You're brave! You're going to get battered for this aren't you?!" Errrrm, NO, I'm an adult making the decision to be there - and what kind of woman do you think my Mother is?!!! I'm still livid about it now and it was 2 months ago she said this. I wanted to go see her and talk about it but I can't pluck up the courage. She'll just tell me to get a grip and stop acting like a child, but she doesn;t know the half of it. She never once asked me how I was when my Dad left.
It's sad because when I was in labour with DD, my auntie was by my side helping me breath through my contractions and she was in the delivery room straight after I had her. Now, she doesn't seem interested. I realise she has her own kids/grandkids but I don't know. I honestly don't know what I expect, I just know that it isn't the way it was and I hate it.
What should I do? Should I go and see her like nothing happened? I have to get over it I suppose.
On a happier note, 1 week and 4 days until my holiday
Don't get me wrong, DBF pays our rent and gets food in every week (when I have no money left) and I appreciate that a lot. However, it still doesn't make it right when he uses my iTunes password to d/l music onto his phone.
I am such an idiot. I got the iPhone just before Christmas in 2011 on contract - DBF and I had seperated and I felt like treating myself. He was so jealous and ridiculed me about it! Anyway, one of my monthly payments bounced and after that I never caught up with paying it off. I'd also dropped it at worked and shattered the screen so I left it in the cupboard for a while thinking 1. I couldn't use it as I only had a pay as you go sim and 2. no point in getting the screen fixed.
We obviously got back together and his phone was a POS - what did I say? "If you get the screen fixed you can have my iPhone". Why - because I'm a soft a$$. My iTunes was obviously set up on it and I noticed I started getting emails telling me I'd spent such an such an amount and on what songs. I told him to either stop it, or just ask if it was ok to use. The last thing I want is to keep going over drawn on my account - it just doesn't look good! Anyway, he continued so I changed my password. Why I didn't think of it sooner I have NO idea. Then I gave it to him again because he promised he only wanted to get a free app but that he couldn't even do that without knowing my password. So I check my emails this morning and there goes another $15, taking me overdrawn. No sorry or nothing. He does not get my point - ask me first. Urrrrrrrgh. I have changed it again which I know will p*ss him off but OH WELL. If you can't respect what I ask of you then it's your own DAMN fault!
I'm always questioning myself as a person because of the nasty things that are said to me.
Is it me? Am I the one causing all this? Of course I am, according to YOU. I'm every fat b!tch under the sun in your eyes.
I can't BELIEVE you called me that - I mean, who the F|_|CK do you think you are? I can deal with pr!ck, nob, a s shole..... even c unt, but fat? I never thought you would go there and man, did it hurt.
And YOU! That is the role you have to play, whether you like it or not. There's a million others playing the exact same role and they're not asking for some special medal because they've done oh so much! No one owes you anything, you owe US for bringing us into this sh!t. We didn't ask to have you, but you ust have wanted us at some point. How can you just walk away and then blame it on us? That is the cowards way out - you like to play the victim afterall. Your doing is OUR fault, pffffft.
I found out last night that a really old friend of mine has cervical cancer.
I feel like such a t-w-a-t because it took her posting the news on facebook for me to get in contact. Makes you realise that life is too short and that you should always make the effort with new and old friends.
I met Grace working in a local restaurant. We clicked straight away, she was cheeky, witty, rebellious (not in a naughty way) and just an all round amazing girl. We were inseperable, I've never laughed so much - we had the metalist nights out and usually in our restaurant uniforms. We must have been gorgeous when we were younger because we always managed to get guys, even when we stunk of food! haha.
I remember it was TT week and we had gone out after finishing up in the restaurant. We met some Irish guys and I was in love with one inparticular, he was beautiful! I was always had a complex about myself so never for one second believed he would like me, but Grace was there to egg me on haha. We ended up at their flat and when I had gone to the bathroom, I came out to find this guy waiting for me. My heart skipped a beat and when I told Grace, she was sooo giddy for me.
It wasn't all about boys though, just laughing and talking s-h-i-t is what we were best at
We both have children now so our lives are completely different to how they used to be - I can't wait to meet up with her and reminise.
Since I last updated, my friend started her treatment..... 8 weeks after being diagnosed. I personally think that is shocking as she found out she has stage 3 She is so positive about it all but she has to go over to mainland UK for the treatment, which means lots of time away from her family. Also, she has to live in the hospital as she can't afford a hotel and her uncle lives too far away from the hospital for the Government to cover the costs. So so wrong. Anyway, we've started fundraising for her so that her partner and DS can visit as much as possible.
My BFF who I've known since we were 4, got married on July 26th. I wasn't invited to the day do which honestly, broke my heart but I made the evening do and boy it was emotional! I rekindled some old friendships and it was like being kids again Just what I needed to bring me up from the down trodden mood I've been in.
My other friend who I have mentioned numerous times in this blog, got engaged to her a-hole boyfriend and they are marrying on Valentine's day GAG. I still firmly believe it is all to prove what they did was worth it. As much as I will not be there out of choice, it still hurts to know that our friendship will never be what it was. I guess that's all apart of growing up though and I just have to get over it.
I need to concentrate on myself from now on - eat b etter, exercise more and I'm sure all will roll into one.