:eek: I just realised I haven't checked my lottery tickets. I could be sitting on a fortune here and not know it!!! HA.
A lot has happened since the last update from me. My SIL gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on 28/7 and called her Olivia Rose She is SO pretty and such a good baby during the day. Apparently she comes to life at night though haha. Think my brother and SIL have been given a bit of a shock TBH, not realising exactly how tiring newborns can be.
Dbf, leia and I had a lovely day yesterday. We went to the beach (Leia is OBSESSED and loves chucking stones in the sea haha) and brought her Peppa Pig bike with us. It has like a basket on the back and so we filled that with stones so she could throw them in the water. Then we built sandcastles and DBF decided to take her in the sea. She flaming loved it, laughing her little head off Then I made us a chicken roast dinner which was scrummy.
I started potty training and Friday was her forst day in knickers. She did GREAT, not one accident! So so proud. She was brilliant over the weekend too, however I did put a nappy on her when we were at the beach as there are no toilets near by. I will try by best next weekend not to.
So my ex boyfs ex girlfriend added me on facebook the other day. I wondered why as her and I didn't exactly get on, but I accepted anyway just to be nosey lol. I commented on a status of hers and it didn't take long before she started asking me questions about him! I had nothing to say though as I hardly see him. I just get told by his family members what's going on in his life. It's a shame really, he's 26 and was engaged to a 30 odd year old woman. It ended though, not surprised but I would like to see him settle down. He never treated me right when we were together but we were both young so I've let it go. I remember the weekend I met current DBF, we were out and my ex was in the same club. He came up and asked to talk to me and was saying he didn't want us to fall out etc. I was said ok but asked him to let me get on with my night. Then he text me saying he still loved me and all that. He was with this girl who added me on FB at the time!!! Him all over really. Thing is, I can't stop thinking about him and I'm even dreaming about him! We'll be in the same room or in the same group of people and we just keep staring at each other but not saying anything. It is so weird.
I wish I could meet up with him for a chat and stuff but DBF would go nuts, and I would if it was the other way round so I guess it'll never happen.
Oh I forgot to say that after me and DBF visited my new niece, he said he was up for having another baby!!!! I am SOOOOO chuffing excited about this..... I still have that baby boom going on and with all the newborns around me it's getting so hard to not just give in now. I still have to wait a while longer, until we're settled in our own place and we know we can afford childcare etc. Such a good feeling though, knowing I will be planning for a baby in the not so distant future
Haha I re-read my posts from yesterday, going on about my ex and then saying I was happy DBF wants another baby. I just want to make it clear that I don't have any feelings whatsoever for my ex, I just sometimes wonder what he's upto and would like a catch up with him. Like I said, we were both young..... I was 19 when we got together and I'm now coming upto 26, so yea, it was a while ago now.
FAMILIES SUCK MONKEY BALLS!!!!!
Oh my good god!!! I am so so so bloody angry :bigangry:
I got a text off my Dad last night, asking how we all were and that he felt like he'd not seen us for ages (yea well it's been a month Dad!). He said something like 'looks like you have plans again this weekend and I have friends over so I will catch up soon'. The funny thing is, he never texts to see us until he gathers from facebook that we have plans. That way he makes himself feel better for NOT BOTHERING! Anyway, I never replied as I was grocery shopping and then I wake up to a message about my phone working. Basically he was being a funny f*cker because I never replied.
So now we're arguing over text and do you know what he's just said.....
None of you give a monkeys about me anyway and I am going away soon so if I don't see you before I will speak to you when I get back.
Well thank you very f*cking much DAD! That is how much he cares....
My reply started off ok but then I got mad. Told him to have a nice holiday with his new family and that I am very upset that he plays with his new womans 6yr old all the time but never bothers taking Leia out and he is all she ever goes on about!!! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh!!! I was stressing the other day about if I got her christened and who would and wouldn't come because everyone has fallen out with one another but I bet my Dad wouldn't even bother his arse!!!
Ok, now I'm crying and I just want to nut somebody. Today is gonna be a shocker.
Well, I survived yesterday but the day ended with me having a pounding headache. I decided to get an early night so TV was off for 10pm (early for me!) and I think I went straight to sleep. However, I kept waking up with my head hurting
I woke up this morning and it was 10x worse. I had to bend down to help Leia on the toilet and I thought my head just might explode.... now I feel sick :puke2:
I've dosed myself up on nurofen which has helped a little but I just want my bed.
I have soooo much to tell you!
My headache lasted for ages. I went to bed that night and I woke up with it. Not good. Anyway I was obviously ok as I managed to go camping, yet again. It was very windy but the weather soon calmed down and we were all having a lovely time. Then, my friends ex boyf and his friend decided to come and see us which wasn't great as they were hammered and Johnny who is the friend, he was being very vulgar around the kids. This upset my Mum and her friedn Allyson, although I must say it was Allyson who was whinging the most and I think it took a toll on my Mum and she felt like she had to say something if you know what I mean? Anyway, once they were in bed all was fine, until I needed the toilet. We had to walk up a steep grassy embankment which was wet from dew and on the way back, I thought I was being safe going down sideways but my foot slipped and the other rolled the ankle! OUCH!!! I think I screamed and cried all at the same time and I was panicking about how I was going to get my car home the next day. It was ok in the morning, although as first I couldn't stand up and was desperate for the loo so had to wee in Leia's potty LOL!! Sounds funny now but I was crying at the time haha. I managed to cope with it until Monday when I had to go to A&E where they told me it was a bad sprain. They gave me meds but soon stopped taking them as made me feel pukey blah. Then at about 3pm on the Monday I got a migraine. OMG, only for the fact I've had it once before just after having Leia I didn't panic, otherwise I would've thought it was a stroke! My tongue and lips went numb and tingly, then it went into my right cheek and down my right arm. It's a horrible feeling but as quick as it comes on, it goes again. I came into work on Tuesday to be told if I have another day off in the next year (WTF??) I'll be put on an attendance improvement plan. JOKE! I've only been off twice in the last 3 months and that was with Leia..... Anywayssssss...... so on Tuesday night I was completely pooped. TBH, I think I was a little run down from lack of sleep, arguing with my Mum and work and so I was asleep by 8pm and slept all the way through. Still felt like crap when I woke up Wednesday but I got through.
Now we're planning another camping trip at the end of August, but after last time DBF isn't really up for it. My sister is saying if we don't go she won't be either. Great. Another reason for my Mum to have a go at us. My Dad also text me Monday to say a lawyers letter will be sent to my Mum and that she will probably go nuts about it. Not looking forward to that at all because when she is upset/angry she ALWAYS takes it out on me.
That's what I have to keep telling myself these days. The sh*t that I get in work is unbelievable and I have to stop myself from blowing up. Why is it that some people who are above you (grade wise) think they have the right to talk to you like you're nothing? It shouldn't matter whether you're a bank manager or someone living on the street, you should treat people the same.... talk to them like the person they are. I can't cope with it. If I could, I would walk out right now.
I've been having a rough couple of weeks, all high and mighty one day and all sobby and pitiful the next. Very tiring. I just want to be happy, ALL the time. Is that too much to ask?
I'm always told that I keep things to myself and should share what's going on in my head. It doesn't work though, I have tried with my Mum but she proceeds to tell me her problems are worse. I hate that. Can't someone just listen to me for a change??
I'm totally wound up today.
I've looked at my bank account and I have about £300 less than what I need to pay out. Will I ever get back on track???? The plan was that my monthly pay would clear what I was OD and pay my bills and then DBFs wage could be taken out of the account so that we wouldn't use the bank card and accidently go overdrawn. Well, like I said, I'm down £300 already which sucks balls.
I'm so tired of this now. The worry is making me sick and miserable. I wanted to take Leia to see Peppa Pig, her all time fave kid entertainer and I can't even do that now It's so bloody depressing! She isn't desperate for clothes, but I would love to have loads of extra cash where I could just go and spend £100 on her without having to think about it.
You know, I read in the papers almost daily about people killing their whole family (spouse and kids) and then themselves because they're in so much debt and can't cope anymore. It's disgraceful but I can understand why they do. Well, no, I don't understand the whole family bit, but themselves definately. I've quite a few times wished I wasn't here to have to deal with it anymore. I know that's bad of me and I know I would never be so stupid as to actually do something but the thought has definately been there
I totally wish that I had done better in school or had even gone to Uni. Or, had even saved some money whilst living at home when I had no responsibilities. I never listened to my parents when they told me to save, I just had the 'whatever' attitude and blew my wages on going out with my friends. Not so far from the normal but still.
This whole situation is putting a huge strain on my relationship but I honestly am feeling right now that I don't want to be with DBF. It's for selfish reasons more than anything. I feel like if he wasn't in the picture I could save so much more easily and I could get my life back on track. Sometimes it's like he is dragging me down..... he isn't happy himself but he comes home in a bad mood and just makes me think 'f*ck this!' I can't be bothered with it anymore. I think I would be happier but would I? It's hard.
"Oh my goodness me!" just a quick quote from my kid haha.
I cannot believe I've left it so long to update here. I have been SO busy in work, trying to do more than I should etc.
So what's happened since I last posted? Well, it was my bday on Sept 3rd and I turned 26!! OMG, that means only 4 years now until I am 30:eek: haha. Didn't do too much, just went for tea with the fambo. The following week (Sept 11th) was DBFs 30th so I saved myself. We went quad biking, to a local Maize maze and then for a meal and lots of drinks. Had such a brilliant time
I'm still living at home with my Mum and things have been so much better with her. I think she has realised life is too short to worry about who's doing what housework and I am still helping as much as I can.
DBF is away this weekend and my Mum is out on Sat night so I am having the girls round for a chinese and to watch X Factor
I have been so totally obsessed with figuring out a way to raise money for the Neuroblastoma fund. I thankfully have never experiened this and hope I never have to, but I have read so many stories about children who have been taken by this horrible disease that I feel like I want to help in some way. So, this is in progress.
Cannot believe it's like 100 or so days until Christmas!!!!! I am sooooooo excited and have already started to tell Leia about Father Christmas coming to visit haha. I'm also trying to teach her the songs, especially jingle bells. She loves it.
Anyway, that is all I have to report so far. Life has been pretty amazing the last few weeks and I hope even though winter has very strongly rolled in, it continues to be ACE!
Well a helluva lot has been happening these past couple of months.
Firstly, I have been sooo busy in work, trying my hardest to get my end of year grade up so that I get my bonus and hopefully pay rise in Feb! Hence why I haven't been around much. I work my a*s off and next year I intend to be paid for it.
DBF has moved out of my Mum's house. Unfortunately they just weren't getting on, what with money matters and what not. My Mum in all fairness was a total b*tch to him but that being said, we brought it on ourselves. Yea, I say 'WE' but he got it in the neck more than me which I thought was a tad mean. If I am honest, it was probably for the best as he's managed to save quite a bit of money now, I am impressed. On a downside, I am as skint as a homeless person I have had to ask my Dad to bail me out YET AGAIN and when i get paid at the end of this month I don't think I will have a penny left. As DBF has moved out, it's on me to pay everything we owe out, ie loans (we got on impulse), my car and Leia's nursery. DBF was paying it weekly but now he can't afford to now he's gotta pay rent. He keeps telling me he'll give me such and such a week but I am still waiting. Hopefully things will sort themselves out...... this time next year I will be debt free!
Leia has been a complete nightmare at night time too since DBF left. It's weird to me how they 'know' something is going on..... it's not like she never sees him.... in fact she sees him just about the same as when he lived here but if she wakes in the night it's just me who sees to her not him aswell. I am completely exhausted. Typical really, he stayed over at the weekend and she slept pretty much all the way through, then last night had me up until almost 3am before I actually got any sleep myself. I'm sure when I moan to DBF he thinks I am telling lies lol.
to be continued...
Oh. DBF has a really good friend and I get on great with his GF. Thing is, my BFF told me they met about 2 years ago (her and the BF) and were texting etc. She didn't know about his GF but anyway, nothing came of it. So me and DBF and his BFF and my BFF, when just us 4 were together, DBFs BFF would flirt so much with my BFF. At first I could handle it, I hardly knew the GF. However, we became real close and when she wasnt there and they flirted outrageously, it made me feel uncomfortable. GF was telling me about how he's treating her and I had to say something!! I dunno, as soon as I said it I felt bad, but I am an honest person n it was eating me up. She never took it well, but confessed he'd done this before I'm lucky she never fell out with me, instead saw me as a great friend as not many friends would do that, put their neck on the line kind of thing. I still felt horrible though.... they're working it out. I saw them both for the first time yesterday and it was AWKWARD! I hope it gets back to normal soon.... not sure how it will go when my BFF is in the equasion.
Halloween is approaching fast and we're having a PARTAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
It's gonna be mainly for the kids but we're all getting dressed up (adults included!) Halloween has never really been for the adults here, just the kids and it's more of a scary thing than in the US. No dressing up as princesses and cartoon characters here..... you have to do scary haha. My Mum is desperate to do the Oiuja board but I am freakin out! I couldnt sleep thinking about it last night, on top of DD being a pain in my behind haha. We have all the deccies so it should be fun
Now to get ready for Christmas!! :eek::eek:
Firstly, I got my family income supplement approved and I am so bloody happy!!! Just means I will now have help towards paying Leia's nursery fees and won't have to worry each month about how I am going to survive.
Secondly, I've managed to get myself mixed up in a huge bust up. DOH.
Basically, a girl I know got jumped when she was out on Sat night and she posted a pic on faceache of the top of her head. She has a massive bald patch where these girls have pulled out her hair :eek: It's absolutely shocking to look at. So, I commented in shock and said in jest 'I'll beat them up for you!' which is something I would say to any of my friends if someone had ripped their flamin' hair out, ya know? So I get a PM from a girl asking me if I am threatening to batter such and such a girl as she is her SIL. Not being able to help myself I replied with 'And? Who are you, the f*cking Queen?' WHOOPSY! haha. I just thought, don't even try and get me involved and try and intimidate me. I wouldn't fight with the girl as I don't know the full story and like I said, I was saying it in shock iykwim? So I managed to sort it out with this random girl but today, we have a big floor meeting and the girl who I supposedly threatened works there. I can only imagine the gossiping that will go on and I'll be made to feel like a b*tch. Oh, it won't bother me but I can't be doing with it. Not now I have a daughter, I have grown up and can't be doing with all of it. The 2 girls who jumped the girl I know both have kids! It's just crazy and now everyone of faceache and writing 'TEAM X'..... 'TEAM Z' as their status' LOL.
This should be FUN.
***** RIP Sir Norman Wisdom *****
The place is swarming with people & police. His horse and carriage was gorgeous!
Halloween, a time for fun with your family.
Not so much mine.
My Mum went to a great effort to put on an amazing Halloween party. She bought loads of food and decorations..... it was brilliant. The decorated house that is.
From the moment my sister entered the house, she had it in for me. I have no idea why but she always finds something to put me down for. She kept harrassing me about my camera, OMG, talk about doing my head in. Then, she had a falling out with her partner and I comforted her and tried to help them sort it out.
Roll on an hour later, she was pretty drunk and was singing really loud and dancing all over the place. I told her that when I was putting Leia to bed, the music would have to be turned down and she didn't like it. We were outside and I was eating from a plate. She started being quite lary with DBFs BFF and then was like, poking me or something. At first I was laughing, until she spat her drink all over me! I reacted and pushed her away then went inside.
She couldn't help but walk past me and call me a d*ckhead after that though. Oh and tell everyone how I had punched her in the face :rolleyes: What a nob.
Anyway I kept my distance and bit my tongue as I listened to her slag me off and tell nothing but lies. My Mum had told her it was time for her to leave and as i sat in the kitchen with my BFF, she came over and started asking me how she was such a d*ckhead. I told her to leave, numerous times until she said it one more time and I told her to look at herself!! Next thing I know, she's grabbing my face so I hit her back in hers and she got me by my hair and pulled me onto my feet. At this point DBF jumped in to try and get us away from one another and she punched him square in the nose..... blood was everywhere! Then I got a punch in the head and now have a good ole bump on my forehead. After being chucked out, she continued to bang at the window and shout abuse at me. WTF?!
I seriously do not understand why she has so many issues. They're obviously with me and my Mum and I have no idea why. I used to think her behaviour was funny when I was younger, but now, I just think for a 36 yr old woman with 3 kids, it is pathetic. My sister has been through a lot but is that a reason to take it out on your own family?? Not a chance.
She text me to apologise this morning but TBH, I'm not ready to forgive her. She said some god damn awful things to me and it really hurt. I don't care, sister or not she was out of order!
Sister sent me a big long email yesterday, apologising again for what she did. She said she's even more upset because DBF is being so understanding where as she reckons she wouldn't be.
I'm still angry but I have chosen to forgive her. I didn't go over the events again, just told her we all love her and we're now worried for her state of mind. Apparently she has done nothing but cry and hide herself away in her room every night. This isn't good for the kids, but my Mum and I are unsure what to do! She said she isn't strong enough yet to deal with telling her DBF to leave.
My bullemia has resurfaced too It's weird, I can go for months without doing it but then suddenly something triggers it off and there's no stopping me. On Monday night, we had the left over chilli for tea and it completely turned my stomach. I was upstairs with Leia, she was in the bedroom and I told her to wait whilst I went to the toilet. I was making myself sick and turned to find Leia standing at the doorway. I don't know how long she was there or what she saw but I was SO mad at myself for letting her see me like that :argh: She knew something was weird because she looked at the toilet and said 'what's that mummy?' I just told her it was 'poo poo' but she was staring at my face, like she knew I'd been crying tears.... not sad ones as she might've thought but ones from being sick I really do not want to pass this down to her..... I need to do something to try and stop. it is so hard though.
I know I need to do something about my weight, it is seriously getting out of control! I was 210lbs when I first found out I was pregnant..... looking back, I wasn't that 'big' and even the MW signing me in was completely shocked and said I didn't look it at all. Now I am about 290lbs. I've put a helluva lot on. My only excuse is that since having Leia, my social life is no more. I never go out anymore, instead I stay in and eat take out. It's a vicious cycle.
I know what I need to do but it is really hard. When you gain weight, you're body becomes more tired and you lack the energy you once had to exercise or go out for a walk. My knees and ankles hurt like a nothing I've ever experienced. When I lay in bed at night, I can feel my neck being squashed by my booby fat. It's just gross! I've decided to give Weight Watchers a go, at least whilst I don't have the energy to exercise, I can control my food intake a little better. I have to do something before my heart packs up on me. My main reason for doing it HAS to be Leia. I want to enjoy her active life too.
Had an uneventful weekend. It was bonfire night so we got to go to a few firework displays, which is always nice as I love them. Leia was funny, kept saying 'they're a bit bangey' and then in the next breath was saying 'whoooosh, BANG! BANG!' haha.
The louder the better for me and I honestly think they're the most relaxing things to watch. I could sit for hours admiring the colours and patterns that they make in the sky.
Weather was completely rubbish. It rained all day Sat and stopped just in time for the fireworks, then we took Leia home and whilst she was in bed we watched X factor. OMG, if you're reading, you have to youtube Matt Cardle singing 'First Time Ever I Saw Your Face'..... he is absolutely astounding. Sent complete shivers down my spine and made me cry a little haha.
Sunday morning, I got a quick shower and went grocery shopping. I was SO hot but kept my coat zipped right up because I knew it actually was freezing outside haha. When I got home, I unzipped my coat and my boobs flopped out!!!! It's only then I realised I'd gone out with no bra on!!! :eek: LOL! How the heck I did that I don't know. It's like forgetting to put your shoes on for goodness sake hahaha. Dbf cooked a fry up and Leia went for a sleep so I chilled for an hour, then my friend and I went to get hair dye. I really want a change so was thinking of going that like reddy pinkish colour. It's hard to explain but I love it! I bought what I thought would be right and when my friend blew dry my hair, it was darker than when we'd started with a tint of red in it. Not impressed. As friend is a hairdresser, she's booking me into her salon to have it done properly
Last night was awful. My little island was getting blown to pieces and of course DD didn't sleep too well. A long with a bad cough she kept me up from 1am til just past 3am..... VERY TIRED LADY today.
Well I managed to last the day yesterday with success, considering the night I'd had.
DBf, me and my friend went out to watch Paranormal Activity 2. I can safely say that I thought it was brilliant!!! I love scary films and of late, nothing has done it for me but this, I actually screamed out loud at one point LOL. My poor friend was cacking herself though haha.
This is the colour I want my hair....
I have managed to find out what it is and I am buying it next week! Will wash my hair a few more times first to get this colour I have in, out and will start over. Very excited. Well, either that or the salon, can't decide!
Yesterday was a horrible day.
I t was the 9th anniversary of my nieces birth/death.... I cannot believe she would've been 9! I constantly wonder what she would be like now, who she would take after and if she'd have been close to me.
My poor sister, she was feeling it. DS2 who is 5 had made pictures for her at school and had wrote her a letter to put on her grave. He was chuffed to bits to be doing something so nice.
Sister's DBF was being a usual BELLEND! My brother had invited her for tea but because the kids were only having soup for tea, he kicked off at her. If you're that bothered, get up off your lazy *** and YOU make them something!!! He winds me up. My sister was in tears.....
I hope she finds the courage and energy to leave his dead beat behind.
I'm in a funny mood today and not funny 'haha'.
Things have been normal since my last update. Nothing out of the ordinary.
I can't remember the last time I saw my Dad and that's getting to me a little. My Mum (I hate to say it) is her annoying self, constantly moaning about everything and questioning anything I say.
To be honest, I think my mood is low because of what I seem to constantly hear on the news. Yet another child has been murdered by her Mother's lover. 'Catastrophic car crash injuries' is what this poor little 15 month old girl had. It really sickens and angers me that people are getting away with this on a daily basis. Why in God's name do these people have the children in the first place? How can a mother allow her boyfriend to beat her precious child to a pulp?
That poor little girl must have been petrified, with no-one to run to. Let's face it, it's not like her own 'Mummy' protected her is it? Just picture YOUR LO right now, when they've bumped their toe on the side of the chair. Their little face just cries 'Mummy, make it better!' Now imagine that 15 month old..... it's actually UNimagineable
So many couples out there want children and so many children want a loving home to live in. It is heartbreaking that NOTHING can seem to be done about this happening so that the 'unwanted' child isn't eventually killed by their maker.
I want another child SO much and when I read and hear about these poor defenseless children it actually makes my heart, my body ache. I WISH I could do something...... but what good am I? One person against 100s and thousands of people hurting these babies every day!!!
*goes into her corner to have a good cry*
Well I had a shoddy weekend. There's just so little that can be done in this weather! I managed to get Leia to the park on both Sat & Sun though which was something. This kid used to be the only kid I'd ever known who was petrified of the swings haha. I'd sit her in it and she'd scream until I took her off.... what the hell?? So DBF took her last weekend and managed to get her on it :eek: and she LOVED it! :eek: So now when we go to the park she will go on nothing BUT the swing LOL! I honestly don't know how she isn't sick.
On both Sat and Sun night I watched the X Factor. NEVER again!!! My favourite, Paije was booted off *sniffle* I actually cried.... more because he'd failed to see out the awful Wagner and Mary :bigangry: He was SO much better than them.
Anyway, today I have read yet ANOTHER horrendous story. 11 month odl stabbed to death WTF seriously is wrong with these people???!!!! Her mother has been arrested on suspicion of her murder..... poor poor poor little mite I'm seriously so saddened by this. HOW CAN WE MAKE A CHANGE???
Was off work with DD last week, due to her molars coming through. There were a few times I thought about taking her to hospital, due to her temp but I knew they'd just tell me to do what I already WAS doing. Would have been a wasted trip, sad but true.
Sunday, we got snowed in and nursery was shut on Monday so that was another day off work. Not good. Although we did have a lot of fun playing in the snow
I was really worried about DD last week because she didn't eat a thing. She wanted to, but it was just too painful for her! I didn't know what to do, so I just refrained from eating in front of her, poor little mite. She's tiny enough as it is and I'm sure she's lost more weight.
I had a bit of a blow out with my Mother this moring too, because she's constantly badgering me about how little DD eats. I wouldn't mind, but she sees what I have to go through to try and make her eat with us so to make me feel bad about it made me lose my temper. What am I supposed to do? Restrain her and force feed?? I'm sure that's child cruelty! It's not like she doesn't eat at ALL, she just eats small and often and mainly fruit, yoghurts and toast. Still, that's better than nothing.
Talking of child cruelty, I'm seriously concerned about what our world is turning into!
Yesterday and today, I have read 3 stories of beautiful babies being murdered by those who are supposed to love them. Firstly, a Dad stabs his gf over 30 times and his 10 month old daughter in the head, killing them both. A grandmother in the US, throws her 2 and a half yr old Gdaughter off a 5ft walkway bridge at a shopping mall, killing her. Lastly, a man kills his GFs 15 month old son after months of videoing the childs torture since the summer on his mobile phone, WTF?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How the flaming hell can ANYone, sane or insane hurt an innocent child???? I just don't get it. These children are dying all the time, because of people who are meant to protect them. I can't cope with it anymore!!!
DD is finally returning to her normal self, no whinging and all smiles and mischief She has a urinary infection and has been on antibiotics since Tues which have worked wonders already. Due to a family history of kidney reflux however, she has been referred to be checked out. I would rather know now than god forbid something happen years down the line.
Fell out with my Mum again last night. She came home in a horrible mood and so me, DBF and Leia went upto my room. She decided to come up, burst in and start shouting the odds which to me, is so very juvenile. She can't just talk to me, she will let whatever it is bothering her, build up and then BANG! I'm bored of it now and too old to be putting up with it. Like I told her, I'm not 12 anymore. If she wants to sort something out, be an adult and talk about it.
I've decided that I am going to make more of an effort with my Dad's side of the family. I am past caring if it upsets my Mum, at the end of the day they're my family and I need them. I'm going to buy all the kids a little something for Christmas and turn up at their houses.... they'll get a shock lol. I don't Leia missing out on spending time with her big cousins, when I know they love her too bits.
I am counting down the days until I can move out. All this arguing is making Christmas sh*t already.
It's funny you know, I must come across as a right miserable tw*t. I am really not though, if you knew me IRL, I am the life and soul of a party, I am always singing and laughing in work. Maybe it's because I don't let people IRL know exactly how I feel, that I come on here and all my misery floods out. I need to stop putting morbid sh*t on faceache too..... people will think I am a depressing person.
I am completely sick of drama. I think I have mentioned it in a previous entry about my fellas friend texting my best friend. Well it all came out and his GF was obviously p*ssed off. Anyway, last week she found another text on his phone to her and he'd gone out and come home at 7am, which got her thinking all sorts. My friend had been at her friends house which is directly opposite and so she'd thought he'd been there. I asked my best friend and she went nuts at me. I personally think that if you have something to hide, you're going to be defencesive, where as normally she'd have laughed and told me to get a grip. Anyway, she decided to call DBFs best friend which then caused sh*t between him and his GF Then, DBF starts texting me really nasty things.
It just winds me up, they were in the wrong all a long, NOT ME. Yet because they are angry it's come out, they're blaming me. Turning it around basically like all guilty parties do. I was in tears last night because all I have done is try and be there for his GF, whilst trying not to fall out with any of them. Is it my fault she calls me at stupid o'clock to tell me he's not come home after a night out? Or that she's found msgs on his phone? NO, it's his fault for acting like a complete N*BHEAD! She has no other friends over here and I feel like I can't turn my back on her. I am genuinely a caring person - why is this such a bad trait?
My gorgeous DD, she knew I was upset... the conversation went like this....
Leia: Are you sad Mummy?
Me: Yes (sad face)
Leia: Do you want your daddy?
Me: I do
Leia: Awwwwe it's ok, he'll be here soon.
(big cuddles and kisses)
It breaks my heart. I hate her seeing me sad and I try my hardest to hide it from her but she isn't stupid. She ended up sleeping in bed with me last night because she just wouldn't settle. I wonder if it's because she wanted to 'be there' for me? Cute to think it is
I have finished things with DBF (yet again) because I am completely fed up with how he speaks to me. The msgs he sent me last night were awful and I just can't believe someone who is meant to love me would make me feel so bad. I need to stop feeling sorry for him, he's brought this all on himself. His own mother is saying she won't speak to him ever again because he just has no respect for her or anyone for that matter. He is one selfish pr*ck! It's time to reeeeeeally concentrate on myself and my gorgeous girl.
This feels f*cking sh*t seeing as it's like 1 week from Christmas
Well, me and DBF are still together :help1:
I can't help but keep trying with him, because, I don't want a broken family. I want to have more babies with him and I want to be with HIM. I must be mad. He is completely useless when it comes to money, which doesn't help me because I am the same. We have been through some sh*t in the last 4 years and yes, he has treated me badly in the past. That's not the problem now though, it's his selfishness that drives me barmy. I won't go into detail because I think I bash him too much as it is LOL. In fact, I think I make him out worse than he is which makes me people dislike him and that's not fair. I'm sure that I am not the perfect girlfriend :brucelee:
It snowed here loads on Fri/Sat so we spent the weekend playing in it like big kids haha. We ended up walking to our local pub and had lunch and some drinks which was nice, not having to worry about driving. The same was had on Sunday as it was my sisters birthday so all in all was a nice, relaxed weekend.
DBF is off now until Jan 4th so I have sent him Christmas shopping. Oh.dear.god HA! Hopefully he does good
I'm in a gloomy place today.
Not really sure what it is but I've just not felt it this year. I'm normally so excited about Christmas I loved watching Leia open her presents and get excited that Father Christmas ate his mince pie. That's it though. Didn't really enjoy the rest of the day. In fact, I couldn't wait until everybody left so that I could chill out and watch rubbish on the TV. It could be because I'm not in my own place, or the fact that I am broke arse.... who knows!
I hate this time of year sometimes too. It makes you think of things that you wouldn't normally.
I can't believe how sh*t my family and friend situation is.
I never see my Dad's side of the family. It really upsets me because I love them all too bits and when I was younger, we were all very close. Now though, I feel like they just don't care. I never get invited to anything.....
I don't invite them because of my Mum, but what is their excuse?
As for my friends, well, I heard off 3 of them over Christmas and that was only because I text them. It's so sad, when you're in school you think your friends will always be around and there to experience life with you. In all reality, it's just not like that. When you leave and get jobs, you make new friends and life goes on. I miss my friends from way back when
Oh My God-DA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, what is the point in family???? They do nothing but put you down and expect so much more than you can give off you.
My Mum, she is driving me mental. I'm sure you're all thinking 'how can she bash her own Mum like that?!' Well, pretty easily actually.
Ok, so she has tried to help me by letting me move back home. Fair enough, but OMG, the woman is NEVER happy!!
DBF and I have paid her back the money we owe her, we pay our way and we feed ourselves but it still isn't good enough. She just hates ANYONE being in her home. Oh, but apart from her blue eyed boy. He'd be welcome with open arms. He doesn't even need to take his shoes off when he visits. Everyone else?! Of course or you get a gob full.
I need to win the lottery!
I have too much to write but not enough time as in work. I will be back to finish up later.
Sorry about that folks, I was absolutely raging when I posted yesterday and I had SO much I wanted to say but couldn't because I was in work.
I had just got off the phone to my auntie who I was telling that come March (at the latest) I am hoping to move out of my mum's and get my own place. She was all chuffed for me, until she realised that I meant I would be renting again. "You're going back to square one.... it's a waste of money" etc etc.
What the hell am I meant to do?! I can't afford to buy, first time buyers allocate to you so it's not like I can just decide I want one of their houses. I'm trying to get a commissioners house but you practically have to be homeless before they give you one. It's a bloody nightmare. The last thing I want to do is rent but I have to. EVERYone rents!
Then I got home and my Mum told me that my brother and SIL have just bought a bungalow (GREAT!) and of course, I cried LOL. When the hell will my luck change????
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.... I am freaking out and feel sick.
Last night I was in bed watching TV, and I don't know but i got this really uncomfortable feeling in my nether region. I didn't really think much of it until I went to the toilet and decided to investigate myself.
The insdie of my vagine is very swollen and I have found a very big and hard lump. It's not painful but OMG it feels so strange it makes me feel sick touching it.
I am so worried. I have a Doc appt later on today and I am petrified it's something bad
I F*CKING KNEW IT!!!
My best mate and my other friends BF are AT IT!!!!!
Don't know what to doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I am so so so angry. It turns out I was right and my BFF is sleeping with my other friends DBF.
What a MESS!! I can't say anything after last time and this time it's ten times worse!
I hate knowing things like this, I feel so sorry for my friend. She hasn't got a clue.
I hate people.
I've been trying to update for days but I'm either too busy or there's too many people around to do it sneakily.
So last Wed, J admitted to K that he had been texting B. He never went into details, just said they'd been texting in general. He knew I knew everything though which is why he said something. K called me and asked if B had said anything to me and I had to lie and say no. I wasn't about to say anything after the sh*t I got last time for opening my mouth. Anyway, K came upto mine on the Thurs to tell me exactly what J had said and in the meantime, B asked me to tell her they'd been meeting up.
I felt so bad telling her but I thought she had the right to know that her bloke is a piece of sh*t!! She was gobsmacked, as you would imagine and got so angry and upset. She started talking about J in a nice way though and I was telling her, get a grip. She asked me if I thought they'd slept together and I told her B hadn't told me right out but wasn't it obvious? Anyway, I ended up telling her they had because again, she was talking like she was going to take him back! From Thurs to Sat, J was begging her to take him back and swearing blue in the face that nothing has been going on. He is know living in a room and has (since Sat) and has been seeing B every night!!! I am so angry about the whole thing and can only imagine what K is feeling.
I'm still friends with B, I mean, she's done nothing to me but I have made it clear I disagree with it all. Her uncle is having a house party tomorrow and she has asked me to go. In fact, she asked me last week if I would and now, she wants me to go knowing J will be there too. Not a chance in hell will I be doing ANYthing with them as a couple. Firstly, it would feel weird because I've only ever known J & K as a couple, so to see J with B would p*ss me off. Plus, K and I are very close now and I couldn't betray her like that. J & B will never last. They've got together causing nothing but lies and he's been lying to her saying he wants nothing to do with K, when in fact he's wanting sex off her still and wants her to take him back. He's just a complete NOB!!!!!!!!!! J is DBFs BFF and even he wants nothing to do with them together, so, if they want to lose us as friends then they can crack on.
So yea, such a mess. I am so mad that it's still going on, and that they have no regard for K's feelings. As long as they're getting what they want they couldn't give a flying f*ck. Why are people so selfish? If J had just left K and then met someone, fair enough, but to stay and make her believe they have a r/s to work on and then sleep with someone so close in our group of friends, it's just unreal and disrespectful. B reckons she rly likes him because she'd never normally go near someone elses fella. BS!!! She was sleeping with a married man a few months ago. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate women like her and most men are like him, does my head in.
Apart from all of that, things are as normal as ever. All work and no play. I can't wait for these next few months to just p*ss off and I pray to God J & B don't last.
If I'm honest, I am sick to my back teeth talking about the cheating scum bag and what is going on. For all who are curious though hehe. J is still stringing them both a long, making K think he wants her back and then leaving hers and going straight to B's house. What a c*ck ey? I don't want to know anything anymore because it winds me up and I have my own stuff to think about.
I have a feeling that I might be pregnant. Although, it's very early days but I think I'm getting symptoms! My boobs feel fuller and a tiny bit sore, I've had an upset stomach, my back has been hurting me and I am majorly tired. Today, I have really bad cramping pains that are starting to go into my right side and around my back. I don't know, I could be wrong and could be looking too into it, but we shall see.
It sounds really bad, but for selfish reasons I kind of hope I'm not. Don't get me wrong, oh my god I would love another baby! If I had the money I would have a brood now. DBF and I were stupid though and had an oopsy. I don't believe in the morning after pill, if it happens it happens and I will have to make it work and the baby would be totally wanted and loved, but ideally it would be better if I was mistaken. I will have to wait and see!
My Dad got in contact with my Mum yesterday and basically told her, in not so many words that the house will need to be sold. I feel so sorry for her because although I understand what my Dad is saying re not being able to afford to carry on paying the mortgage, he put her in this situation and she is on a quarter of what his salary is. She is very worried, which is understandable and I so wish there was something I could do for her
I'm also worried about my Dad too. He sent me a msg on FB saying something like "hgjkzsfchefu" so I replied and heard nothing back from him. Then I sent him a text asking if he was ok as I was worried and he still hasn't replied. He is always ill, I hope it's nothing serious! I can't wait to have my own place so that he can visit whenever he pleases.
So it's almost February! Cannot believe how fast this year is going already. Feb means bonus/pay rise at work and I hope to god I get one or the other.... or both would be nice! I got sweet FA last year thanks to my nob head team leader so this year I have worked my arse off. Lets just hope it pays off or I will be maaaad lol.
Only 6 months until Leia is 3, oh my giddy ant. Where does the time go??
So I was scanning the job site for my local Government and came across a job to work in the Emergency Control Room!! I am so frickin excited and I am defo applying. I have until Wednesday to get my CV tweeked, wish me luck!!
Wow, it's been yonks since I last updated.
Well, I never went for the Gov job in the end because it was shift work and it would've been a nightmare to sort care for Leia. Nevermind, I'm sure something else will come up and I am ok where I am for now.
The shanannigans are still happening, although I stay out of it as much as I can. All 3 of them are just gonna end up hurting themselves.... oh and miss out on an amazing summer with us lot lol. I will make time for all of them seperately, but together? Not a chance in hell!
I have decided that I am going to get a loan to help me move out of my Mum's. I just can't bare it any longer, which I know sounds awful and makes my Mum out to be a horror. At weekends though, when it's pouring down rain outside I feel like I HAVE to go out so she won't have a moan at me. It's not a healthy situation to be in for myself or for Leia. I am going to see someone today after work so I have everything crossed. I don't care about having to pay it back - it'll help me in the long run.
Leia is turning into a right monkey! They say girls are bossy but boy oh boy, I have my hands full with this one LOL. Her bestest friend at nursery is a boy and because he isn't as vocal as her, she gets very frustrated with him. It's a shame really because her and him are inseperable and love each other so much, but they are being seperated thanks to Leia being too domineering haha. It'll break her heart.
Not much else to report, just the usual day to day. For once, my life is not like a soap opera haha.
Well, what a boring old weekend I had. The weather was pants as per usual so we spent 3 hours in the Fun Barn (an indoor play area) with Leia. She had tons of fun, me not so much. My arse was soooo numb from sitting for so long lol.
Yesterday, I helped my Mum clear out my neices bedroom. Don't even ask why we were doing it, but anyway... 5 bin bags worth of junk came out of a box sized room!!! Unreal.
Around 5pm ish me, the boyf, K and J went to visit our friends Ryan & Lisa who had a gorgeous baby girl on Friday morning. They named her Cara and she has loads of jet black hair, adorable!!
I f*cking hate my job right now, the people and everything about it just stinks. The sooner I am out of here the better.
Have you ever been so angry you want to knock someone the f*ck out? Or so upset that you can't breath?
This is how I am feeling right now.
I text B yesterday to see how she was as she's been off work not well and she replied with 'i'm feeling awful, but can't tell you anything yet, need to see you face to face'. I started to worry and asked her if she was pregnant but she ignored me and continued to do so the whole night. Meanwhile K called and she sounded very upset so I asked what was wrong and she said she couldn't tell me. So then I knew! K came upto see me last night and she was in tears She's moving back to the UK (she moved here for that ****!) as soon as next week. She could cope him being with her, but not seeing her pregnant and once baby is born. Afterall, her BF of 9 years cheated on her with B!
I am so upset for her and so angry too. I would never tell B what to do but if she thinks for one second it will last with her and J, she's as thick as they come!!!!
When I read other journals, I think about how lucky I am that I haven't endured some of the things they have. I've experienced loss like many but not of a child. I couldn't even comprehend it.
As much as I try and think I have it better than some, it's hard to think like that all the time. Things get on top of me and I feel like it might aswell be the end for me. Stupid huh. I'm one of those people who will bottle everything up, even in heated arguments with people when they may get nasty, I'm not one to throw things back in peoples faces. I don't see the point of hurting people that way, what does it gain? Nothing. It just hurts people and then those words said so hastily can't be taken back.
I had a big blow out with my Mum 2 nights ago. She is like a man who's drunk who can't handle their drink when she goes off on one. Really nasty with what she says. That's the problem, I can move on from it but I can't forget iykwim?
So yea, I'm going to view a place tonight that's £850 per month (1360.87USD) rather expensive but I don't care, it has to be done. I know the couple who own it so I will try and get them to lower the price but it won't be by much I suspect. Worth a try hey.
My friend has moved back to the UK now and boy do I miss her. She seems a lot happier though.... as for Beth she is keeping the baby and I will be there for her as much as I can. He's f*cking off which was inevitable really.
Well, we have gone for the bungalow I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it (which I knew was gonna happen!) so we said yes straight away lol. It is lovely, just needs a bit of TLC and will look fab. Can't wait to do a room up for Leia.... she has a lovely room at my Mum's but we were never able to paint it (she wouldn't let me!) so now we can do what we like We have the keys already so we can move some stuff in but we don't move in until the end of the month.
Will update later.... have been side tracked.
We're all moved in and I couldn't be happier...... well I could but when it comes to living I am chuffed lol.
Leia has been the bain of my life the past couple of weeks.... always grumpy, throwing hissy fits, screaming, hitting, trying to bite. On Monday I was ready to walk out! I honestly used to think 'my child won't be like that, she will do as she's told' when Leia was months old. Why would anyone believe their child is going to be any different? lol. Last night she actually went to bed when I told her to and slept all through the night
I'm still totally pissed off with the whole cheating situation. The latest is that I have told J that B isn't good enough for him and he should f*ck off back to the UK to be with K. Are you having a laugh?? I HATE the boy so wouldn't even acknowledge him in the street, nevermind go out of my way to tell him something like that. I do hope he f*cks off but he probably knows that without me telling him. He has told B he is going back to the UK to try and get K back and yet she still lets him use the heck out of her. What a silly girl. I feel so sorry for that baby!
So I text B on thurs/fri asking her to come round for a brew and I got 'i have plans sorry'. I knew she was being funny with me so I asked what I had supposedly done now. She basically said that I only contacted her to find things out so I could tell K (sorry but I haven't told K ANYthing since she has been back in the UK) that K was obviously more of a friend to me because I told her everything (sorry but if you hadn't have slept with her boyfriend there would have been nothing to tell!) and that I have only been in touch since she went back to the UK. Also bollocks as she was included in EVERYthing we did, camping, quad biking and a night out for DBFs birthday (K didn't even come to that because she was working) and our Halloween party. It was once her and J started sh*gging each other behind K's back that I hardly seen her because she was too preoccupied with him!! Anyway, I told her all of this and that I'm sick of being blamed for it all and I haven't heard from her since. It's her scan today and he has gone with her, so she will think all is rosey. In fact, he has been on the phone to K today arranging a meal etc when he goes back over on Friday for 3 WEEKS!!
I did also mention that she believes everything J and his step mum tell her and that it's me who cares. His step mum is only making an effort for the sake of the baby and the fact she doesn't want him to move back to the UK.... that is it. I am genuinely concerned about her feelings and the fact she's letting him treat her like a piece of meat, but no, I am the bad guy because she is too wrapped up in him. She will learn the hard way.
I am so bored of my life..... how can I make it exciting?!
I'm sure it's the same for the majority of families, ground hog day. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. I'm sick of it now.... I don't know what I want to do though! I wish I could win the lotto and live the life of riley, holidays all the time, shopping for food, clothes and having to worry about spending too much.
I wish I had a job I enjoyed getting up for. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I even have a job but it's so mundane and regimental, I need something different. Something that changes peoples lives, or where I am doing good for others. I look daily to see what is out there, but there is nothing that I feel I would benefit from so I don't bother trying. It's hard too, getting stuck in a rut, not just with my dad to day life but with work too. It's scary to think about moving into a new job role, what if I dislike the work and the people even more than I do where I'm at currently? I have too many responsibilties to just give it a go and then start jumping from job to job, if that makes sense?
Living on an island makes things 10x harder when it comes to further education. Our college doesn't offer a lot and if we want to go Uni, we have to travel to the mainland, which means living there for the duration of the course you do. Not really doable with a 3 yr old in tow! Plus, leaving work to study means no income and I need income to pay rent and childcare etc. PITA! I swear I will drill the importance of education into Leia and my future kids until the day I die!
I am feeling so down about my weight right now too. I had to stop the Cambridge diet because I was finding it hard to afford, which is annoying because I was doing so well! I had lost 17lbs in 3 weeks and felt great..... clothes were fitting me and I even went on a night out (very rare these days due to feeling self conscious!) As soon as I stopped, the weight came back on, well most of it and I'm back to square one. I wake up with a sore back, when I try to turn over it feels like my lungs are being squeezed and I struggle to breathe. My knees (especially my right one) are starting to hurt, I am snoring during the night..... it's just horrendous! Everything is such an effort and I need to change things as soon as possible. I will and can do this!!!!
Oh so exciting. I have seen a job as an A&E secretary..... £9k more than what I am on now and I have all the qualifications that they need!!!
I have an audio typing test on Thursday, wish me luck!
I'm trying to get my life back on track, but by god it's hard!
Starting with debts.
I wish when I was 18-22 I'd known what a loan really was. At the time it seemed like a good idea, oh look, a sh*t load of money to buy what I want! Happy days. In fact, you don't think about how long it's going to take to pay it back, what other things you may need to pay out 3 yrs down the line. I got one out 6 years ago to buy a car, then I topped it up when I was moving into a place with my then boyfriend to buy furniture. It will finally be paid off in August!!
I didn't learn my lesson though and back in 2009, I took out a 3 grand loan....... what did I spend it on? F*ck knows!! It disappeared within days and I am still paying it back!
On top of the loans, parking fines. When I was 21ish, I accumulated sh*t loads. Rather than pay them straight away (when I could afford to) I just let them move to the back of my mind.... hoping they'd just 'go away'. Well, now I am paying for it. I worked out that I owe over £2k :eek: This will not be getting paid in full, but my £10 a month whilst I am waiting for my loans to finish.
I will do this. It may take me years, but it will be all worth it in the long run. On the way, I'd like to think I'd be able to have another baby too. Never say never.
I want another baby sooooooooooooooooooo badly!!!!
Sorry if you don't like cuss words, but I'm about to go crazy with them!
This f*cking baby urge is driving me loopy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all I want and I can't explain why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't shake it, as much as I think I can't afford to do it, the more I want it!!!!! When is the right time??? When can you afford it??? What does it matter if you have no money to have a life, as long as you're providing for your kids and have a roof over your head, right??? Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, I am not that broke but it feels like it.
I am so f*cking sick of coming to work to pay for g*d d*mn parking fines!!!! Who's the clever d*ck that invented them in the first place??? I can't park behind my work without getting £40 slapped in my face..... I can't afford a fiver a day in the car park.... what the hell am I supposed to do??!!!! I can't walk from Leia's nursery to work because I won't make it back in time to collect her..... it's a f*cking nightmare. I have asked my team leader to try and get me a parking space underneath work, even until I have paid what I owe off.
Wow, the rants are coming thick and fast this week aren't they!
So I wanna know if I am being a jerk.
Those who have read my life over the past year will know my relationship with my Dad is not great. I mean, we haven't fallen out, we just don't see much of one another.
I thought moving into my own place would change that, but it appears to have changed nothing. In all fairness, my Dad did do his back in right before we moved in. So yea, he has been held up for a good few weeks and is signed off work. I have started making more of an effort with his girlfriend and tbh, she's alright. We get on, Leia loves her daughter who is 8 (I think) and they also have a dog, who Leia also loves LOL! So yea, whenever I see my Dad they're there. That's fine, sometimes, but all the time? Not really.
Leia used to love her Grandad but stopped asking about him. Then the other day she told me she wanted to go and see him. Not Caitlin, not the dog but Grandad. I was chuffed too bits, but they were out and so I sent him a text. I said something a long the lines of 'Leia has asked to see you so I was wondering if you could pop round sometime. Also, please don't take this the wrong way but do you think just YOU could come? Nothing against M, or Caitlin but Leia gets too preoccupied with them when they are here too and I want her to form a relationship with you Anyway, text back'
Well, he didn't reply. Typical. I sent another and he replied saying he'd get back to me as he isn't well. HE IS NEVER WELL!!!!! Seriously, one day when he actually has something seriously wrong, no one will believe him, urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!!!!!!! So yea, god knows how long it will be before he contacts me, it's always me who ends up getting annoyed and being the first to contact..... not this time. I'll see how long it takes him to remember his grandaughter!
I am so unhappy today
I do not get B, AT ALL!
After she fell out with me, I never heard from her for about a week. Then the Friday J was swaning off back to the UK to try and get K back, B was straight on to me, telling me how she wanted to kill herself and that she'd lost it with J the night before. A few days later, he'd been in touch and said he wasn't staying there as long as planned and he was coming back for good. So of course, B was on top of the world. The weekend he came back, I didn't hear from her, then the whole week not a thing. At the weekend, she text me a new number and was being 'normal' with me, but then I was getting one word answers. Now, she's just ignoring me!! WTH?
I am sick to death of this now.
B and I are finally getting back to how we used to be. She has told me everything that has been going on with her and J and the fact that he has done nothing but bad mouth me. I get he hates me, because he had to come clean to K because I knew everything. I just don't get why he thinks he can control B and tell her who she can and can't be friends with. He is telling her he wants to move in with her now, which yea that's fair enough with the baby coming in Nov. I know for a fact though that he will tell her who she can and can't have around the house! I have told her not to rush into anything and hopefully she won't but we will see.
I have been having a rough couple of weeks as of late. I feel really down and I guess I have been craving for the life I had before DBF and DD. Do you ever for a split second wish you could do whatever the heck you wanted? Like, go shopping and buy loads of new things, meet up with your friends for food and chats, go out on the town and return home and whatever time you please......
I have been thinking about all this lately.... and don't get me wrong, I love my DD with all my heart and wouldn't change her for the world, but I do miss having a life. I guess sometimes I envy the fact that DBF seems to still be able to do what he wants. He hasn't got to worry about how DD is getting to and from nursery or how the childcare will be paid because it is me who does both. I am not saying he doesn't help me out because he does, he pays our rent and we both take turns in stocking up with food.... I just wish that I could say 'right, I'm going to go for some tea and a few drinks with so in so tonight' and know that whoever would collect DD for me and I wouldn't have to worry for a change. It'll never happen though and maybe I am being selfish in my thoughts but as of right now I can't help the way I feeling. No one said having a child would be easy but I guess the fact that I don't have many people around to help me (and yes, I live in a very close vicinity to ALL my family) gets me down sometimes. I don't like to ask because they all have kids if their own and then when it comes to my Mum, I don't ever want to come across like I am taking the p*ss always asking her to sit for me. That being said, she always seems to be watching my niece for my brother so if I was to ask she probably wouldn't be available anyway. My Dad I wouldn't trust with her on his own. Not because he would do anything but I don't think he'd be vigilant enough with her and I dunno, it's a weird one! That being said he wouldn't want to anyway because he is too wrapped up in his new life/family.
Arrrgh, just feel like I have a lot on my plate atm. DBF has always had his JERK moments since the day we got together and TBH, it happens in fits and starts. For a good few months he will be amazing and then for the next 3 months he can be a complete a** hole! The bedroom department has been sh*t since we had DD.... I mean I get it but very rarely and that also puts me on a downer. About 2 or 3 weekends ago, I went to our room and called him in.... I had got naked (TMI but hey ho) and I was trying to be all sultry.... he walked in and said 'Oh no babe, not now. I am starving!!!' Talk about being completely SHOT down. I was devastated and sat crying my eyes out, probably because I felt humiliated but also because I thought to myself, what man would turn this down.... like not me but sex in general!!!! Anyway, we still haven't had it and I am gagging!! Sorry, but I am. I have my needs as does everyone. Anyway, I'm just going a long with everything atm.... we will see what happens.
Off work today feeling poorly. So much is going around atm, my tummy is iffy and I keep getting really bad headache.
I went to the Dr - told her that I have been getting numbness and tingling in my left cheek for a while now, on and off. Apparently it's down to stress - do you find that they always put things down to that? I don't know, I'm not worried and I have had things going on and on my mind but it all just seems a little strange to me *shrugs*
I have decided to grab the reins of my life and get it back on track. I'm 27 this year and I think that's scaring me a lot, knowing I'm not far off 30. I'm going to make a bucket list, but have things on there I'd like to do before I'm the big 3-0! lol. It might motivate me a little more, who knows. Anything is worth a try, right?