Life of a Manxie

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Life is still a bit up and down at the moment.

I'm sick to death of most of the people in my life, which is horrible to say but it's the truth.

My sister is driving me bonkers lately, I mean, she's always been the way she is with me but as I've gotten older I notice it a lot more. I was saying the other day that I would like to attempt "The Parish Walk". It's a walk that takes place here every year, it's 85 miles long but you can stop when you want to or aim to get to certain places. Anyway I said how I would like to do it and try to get to Rushen, which is 19 miles.... she looked at me and said 'you're so full of sh*t!' I mean, why did she feel the need to say that? Apparently, she hates ppl who say they're gonna do something then they don't. That is fair enough.... she's only mad because I said I wanted to go to Blackpool (which I did) but it's looking like we won't be able to afford to and because my nephew asked if he could come and I said he could if we went, she's mad that I'm not now. Jesus, she's always saying she's going on holiday and never does but I don't say anything.... it's none of my business and I know what it's like to not be able to afford it. I just don't get why she couldn't have been encouraging, saying 'oh yea, go for it!' rather than put me down. I will never get her.
Also, DD starts pre-school in Sept and is going to the same school I went to when I was younger (as did my sisters and my brother). Well, my sister's kids go to another school just up the road and she started saying how glad she was they went there because when reports on the schools were done that school did great but the one DD is going to did sh*t. Oh and apparently it's only kids who live on council estates that go to the school too! I am sorry, but for one my sister lives on a council estate and secondly, all the kids that live on that same estate go to the same school as her kids!!! Honestly, she winds me up so much.

It's DD's 3rd birthday next Tues (5 July) and I am having a barby and bouncy castle at mine (weather depending). I said to my Mum that I wish I could invite her and also my Dad and his side of the family (Leia has soooo many cousins that she doesn't even know due to my Mum and Dad seperating) and my Mum said 'You can, I just won't come!' FFS!!!!! I meant I wish everyone could come and get a long, for the sake of Leia and forget about their stupid rivalry and hate they have for one another. I am sick of my DD losing out because they're too stubborn to just put things aside for special occasions. So yea, I'm not sure whether to invite everyone and say it's upto them if they coem or not or to just invite my Mum and sister and brother etc. I'm scared if I invited everyone that no one would turn up!!! I f*cking HATE families. I have sooooo many family members that I have hardly anything to do with because I am scared of hurting my Mum, but they're MY family at the end of the day and if I constantly side with her and forget about them what will happen when she's gone?? I will have no one.

To be continued...

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Sorry, had to get back to work.

Anyway, that stupid nob head my DBF calls a mate has been telling B (my best mate he cheated on his GF with) that when me and DBF were living seperately but were still together that he had numerous girls at his place at the weekend and was constantly shagging someone. A particular name was brought up and I know her because she used to work at DD's nursery!!

J said that her and DBF met up a couple of times and stayed in a hotel - hmmmmm sounds dodgey already. So yea, I decided to message her on facebook..... I basically said that I had heard through the grapevine that something was going on between her and my DBF and that I wasn't mad, I just wanted to know the truth as I have DD to think about. She took a while to reply, which made me think she wouldn't bother. She came back saying that she had heard these rumours had started 3 weeks prior to me getting in touch. She said there was a party at B's dad's house and basically DBF had gone there with J..... he hadn't told me because at the time he knew I wanted nothing to do with B & J as a couple. Anyway she said she recognised him because he has DD's name tattooed on his forearm and she said they genuinely had a nice convo about DD and also about how she was in a similar situation to us re not being able to afford to buy a house and have more kids etc. She explained after the party she saw him in town with DD and they just waved at one another, then DBF sent her a msg on facebook saying was nice seeing her and how he enjoyed their chat. I was a bit miffed at that because I don't see the need to let someone know who you barely know anyway that you liked talking to them, if you're not careful that could lead to more, ya know? So I don't know, I kind of believed her with all the stuff she sent me, like the messages between them etc.

Obviously, it's still in the back of my mind and DBF has not pulled nob head mate up for saying any of this. He wanted to wait until he saw him face to face as J is working on a diff site atm. However, DBF knows J will be going to a diff site so he won't see him for a while. I just think if it's all lies then DBF should be defending himself and trying to make me believe that none of it is true! I said this to him when it came out and I have said it today..... which lead him to texting nob head who is denying saying anything..... until I see the sent text and the reply I won't believe he has said anything.

I don't know.... I just wish nob head had never entered our lives. He's nothing but a trouble maker.... I know he hates me because I was in the middle of his little affair but I never lied about anything, ONCE so don't try and ruin my relationship because you f*cked yours up!!!

xx

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I went to see my Mum last night and I didn't have the balls to say "Oh btw, I'm inviting pretty much all of my Dad's side of the family to Leia's party."

I just knew she'd kick off or act real immature, stamp her feet and say "FINE, I am not coming."

That's not what I want, I would like everyone to come and feel welcome.

I don't know what to dooooo.... It's in 5 days! :eek:

xx

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I need to update you on Leia's birthday.....

I'm too emotional right now though!! I'm SO SICK of DBF Sad If you have followed my whole journal then you will have read instances when he's been a jack a s s, and to be fair, it's very regular. I don't know though, everything about him is p*ssing me off right now and I have a feeling it's because of how I feel towards him at the moment. I have put up with so much sh*t regarding him, I honestly believe I'm starting to hate him!

When I met him, I was in my prime. I loved myself, my figure, my friends, my life... He was so proud to have me and I remember him wanting to 'show me off' to people he was close to at the time. To be honest, when I met him I wasn't looking for anyone... I had just got out of a relationship, a 4 month one at that and I was SO HAPPY. The guy I had been seeing previously turned out to be a control freak, telling me his friends had said they'd seen me kissing other people on the nights we spent with our friends. I was sick of him and left. So yea, the last thing I wanted was another bloke dictating and generally being an a ss.

So, we were texting (DBF and I) and he always wanted to see me. I felt a bit smothered but because I liked him I went a long with it. Literally months after meeting he wanted me to move in with him, so I did. Why? You tell me! He was living in a room in a shared house, I was living with my parents, so god only knows what I was thinking! Not long after that, I was pregnant. All of this felt so right at the time, we found our own place and all seemed ok. It all went wrong when I was about 6/7 months pregnant... the drinking, staying out late, arguing etc etc and it's gone down hill ever since.

One thing I never realised about him until the last couple of months, is how selfish he is. I've probably said this all before but it annoys me so much how his money is his and mine is ours. Don't get me wrong, he pays the rent where we are living now and he did spend a lot of money getting stuff we needed when we first initially moved in. However, he now relies on me to buy in the groceries all the time and if I was to ask him for money to put petrol in my car he goes nuts about it. it shouldn't be like this! I had about £50 left on Sat morning, we needed food and a few drinks as friends were coming round. I bought him a box of 12 cans of Carling.... he had a go at me because he only likes Stella, £10 wasted. I had about £15 left and I let him go get Stella with my last bit of money, only for him to start drinking the Carling when the Stella ran out!!!! I was raging. Yet I still let him use my last bit of money in the first place and I get repaid in no way at all Sad

I will have to go for now as the boss is about but I will be back, grrrrrrr!

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Ive actually realised that I give DBF such a hard time! Half the time, he's not really doing anything wrong but I think because I feel resentment towards him for things in the past, everything he does annoys me!

I need to stop it. He has been great over the last year, he has had his moments but nothing like it used to be. I feel bad that he's lost a friend, but at the same time I wouldn't want him hanging with such a DH! They're all so 2 faced it's unreal.

I need to think of a plan to get him some new, good mates.

xx

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I feel like a right spanner.

I want another baby so much but have always said now isn't the right time. I wanted to try between Oct and Dec to aim for Aug/Sept but with the way I have been feeling towards DBF I've been saying no way no how until I know things are gonna be ok.

Well, it was probably 2 weeks ago now, we had friends round and we got pretty drunk and had thee most amazing s-e-x. Mainly because it had been THAT long since we last DTD :confused: It's quite upsetting that DBF has to have his beer goggles on before he will get busy with me but hey ho, I'm not up for it when he wants to so I should be grateful right? LOL!

Anyway, I have been so ill.... I had a bout of vomiting at the end of last week and then on Tuesday I got hit with a real bad cold. I'm not 100% sure when I'm due on.... I THINK it's been and gone but then I'm thinking it could be the start of the month (Aug). I need to start keeping track!! Well, I have had really sore boobs and usually with that I would get period pains but I've had nothing.

It sounds daft but I will be really sad if my period comes.

xx

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The blob came on Saturday and I feel relieved. God I sound sooo stupid, but at first I was sad that i wasn't pregnant and now I am glad I can go back to be careful for a while longer until we sort our sh*t out.

xx

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I'm not sure if I am upset or angry but everytime I speak to my Dad he goes on about me dieting. He sent me a PM on facebook last night to watch a certain channel at a certain time. When I had a look, it was a programme about fat people who had lost the weight blah blah blah.

I sent him a message back asking him if he was trying to make me wanna shoot myself because I seriously felt like I wanted to!! Yes, I know I am OW, yes I know I need to do something about it. It's just a LOT easier saying it than doing it Sad

I feel ambarrassed around him now because I think that alls he is thinking is 'Jeeeeez! LOSE SOME WEIGHT ALREADY!!' Sad

xx

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I am so fed up today.

Can't even be bothered writing a big schpiel..... like anyone is interested anyway.

Sick of f*cking giving and getting nothing in return.

Blah.

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Why is life never straight forward??!!

DBF found out on Monday that he could be getting laid off work. He's worked for the same company the last 5 years but as we all know times are hard! He will find out on Friday what is happening....

I'm annoyed with him a little, I know he is worried but so am I! He pays the rent with his wages, I just cannot afford it on my own as I pay nursery fees and bills so I too am worried what will happen re living arrangements it he can't find a job that matches his current pay packet. He doesn't get this though. He's all about how he is feeling, forgetting that this affects me too.

He told me that he couldn't go back to living in a bedsit which is fair enough, but then he's saying he'd end up going back to the UK where he's from. When I said if that's what he thinks he'd need to do then to do it, he blew up on me saying I didn't give a sh*t. Well, yes I do but there is nothing I can do about it. It's out of my hands and it's upto him to find another job..... It's like he expects me to work miracles but I'm just as screwed as he is and I could do without the stress of it all Sad

xx

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:rolleyes:Well my not so little girl starts pre-school on Monday, I cannot believe it! This moment has come around so fast and I am not ready for it TBH haha. Her uniform is so cute, albeit way too big on her. When I took her to get school shoes, she's still so small they only had one pair in the shop.... luckily they were just what we were looking for Smile

Dbf still hasn't found a job, although he did have an interview on Tuesday that he thinks went well and we've heard his name has been mentioned a few times. Fingers crossed something comes out of it as it sounds like a good job to have.

Me and my so called BFF had yet another falling out over that c*ck who got her pregnant, didn't speak for about 3 weeks. All of a sudden, he's not interested in her anymore and she's back in touch :rolleyes: Does my head in, she's was straight in there telling me what's been going on and then wonders how I know everything!! I am really not interested, I hate that mother f*cker with an absolute passion!! He's caused nothing but sh*t since this all started going on and I just wish he'd f*ck off out of my life for good. I'm still not happy with the fact that DBF is friends with him. AFTER he tried breaking us up saying DBF had cheated on me. I still don't know if this is true but the more I think about it the more I think there must be some truth in it for them to still speak??!!!
Anyway, I dunno, it f*cks me right off.

The n*b jockey has finally moved back to the UK as of Wednesday but she still thinks it's possible something will come of them both. Are you kidding? You're 9 weeks away from having his kid and he's f*cked off!!! What makes you think he wants you??!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET A REALITY CHECK. Honestly, I'm tempted just to f*ck her off, I'm sick of hearing about the whole situation.

On a plus note, we're going to FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Yehaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

xx

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Wow, it's been a while hey! It's sh*t, I don't have access to internet at home so have to update in work.... which isn't always easy! lol.

So DBF got the job, woooohooooo!!!

He was so chuffed, bless him and started this Monday. He absolutely LOVES it. He is earning less wages but he gets to do overtime from next week which will make up what he's losing and more, so he's happy about that. He has it cushty there too, working 7-3.45 every day except friday when it's 7 until 12!! All the food in the canteen is FREE and every other Thursday they get caterers in for staff and family. How cool is that huh?

All is the same old with me, still plodding a long in the same job, which btw I've been in for 7 years come Dec!!! I've not done the same thing for that long, jeez, I'd have topped myself by now ha, but wow. Seven years is pretty good going if I do say so myself. At least I can say I can hold down a job haha. I still want a new one though, it just seems everything that comes up that I'm interested in is shift work which wouldn't really work for me.

DD started pre-school on the 12/09 and she is having a ball! The pre-school is in the school she will be attending from next year, so she already has her uniform and she loves putting it on in the mornings haha. I can tell, when they're all playing in the playground before they go into school, that she is going to be a complete tom boy. She ignores the girls and runs around with the boys lol!!

You know what, I love her SO bl**dy much. How do you explain to people the love you feel for your child? She just lights up my whole life.

xx

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I guess the saying is right, be careful what you wish for.

I found out not long after making my last entry, that people within my dept at work are at risk of redundancy Sad

I find out tomorrow and have been weighing up my options.

If I lose my job, I get a big pay out plus 3 months full pay whilst looking for a job.

Childminding has come into it and having lots of babies and being a stay at home mum is another option. I don't know how I would cope not working though....

xx

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BFF is having a c-sec tonight and I am insanely jealous :angry1:

I don't know, it's a mixture of being fuming that a pr*ck like HIM can make a child and not give a flying f*ck for the last 9 months. Then all of a sudden, he can't wait to meet the baby, that he doesn't deserve in my eyes. He's just one big f8cking waster and should be sterilized before he fathers any more kids!!

Not only am I mad about him, I am mad about the sad state my relationship is now in. JULY!! That's when I last had s e x!!! Are you f*cking having a laugh..... I can't handle it. I used to love it, and probably still would but it's been that long I worry it might hurt!! I was honest with DBF and told him it's making me think of other men ie ones I used to see when younger but we never had a proper relationship. I wonder what could have been had we given it a shot. He wasn't best pleased as you can imagine and I would never cheat on him, I just thought he needed to know how I felt. He probably feels the same but would never admit it. Again, the whole 'has he cheated on me?' comes into it.

I don't know what to DOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I have, so many times, sat down and tried talking to him about this. He gets all het up, like I'm making an issue of nothing but then he will agree and nothing ever changes. He is either fast asleep on the couch by 8 or he is having a few cans. When he's tipsy, he wants a bit and grabs at me but ya know what?!! I will NOT sleep with you if you need alcohol to make you want to. I aint gonna lower myself, I will wait until you actually want to make love to me and not just want a dirty ride!!! URRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

It's so bad, if I could I would leave. I have nowhere to go though. My Mum has made it clear that she likes living on her own, which makes me not even want to ask! Jeez, I swear if I was my Mum and DD was in my situation I would wlecome her with open arms! I would never make her live a life she wants out of Sad Plus, I might be losing my job. How can I support me and DD with no job??!!! This is f*cking sh*t. I have no idea what to do, I can't do anything until I know what is happening with my job. Sooner I know the better, get a new job and be on my f*cking own SadSadSad

xx

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I had thee most amazing dream last night. If only it was real....

There were a group of us girls and a group of guys. The guys had to pick a girl to be paired up with.... I was literally chosen by the guy of my dreams. He was slightly taller than me, with blue eyes and mousy brown hair that he had gelled over to the side. His skin was naturally a little darker and his hands were workers hands. I was so nervous, we all had to dress ourselves up, nothing posh just something we felt nice and comfortable in. I wore a green, floaty dress.... see I've always been told that the colour green makes my eyes stand out. I let my hair flow naturally and I had on simple jewellery, a ring and a pair of diamond stud earrings. The best bit of my outfit were my shoes, nice cosy uggs. See, I didn't want to be taller than my dream guy, I wanted to be able to stare him in the eyes.

We were taken into a restaurant, all the guys were together some sat some standing. My guy was standing and he looked absolutely devine. He was wearing a smokey grey shirt with a waistcoat and matching trousers. As soon as I walked in the door, he shot a glance over and our eyes met. I shyly looked at the floor and when I looked again, he had his head down with a smile on his face whilst he played with his bracelet.

The girls had to wait at the bar, until their guy came over to take them to the table.

I was gushing, had major butterflies in my stomach. I could see my guy fidgeting, waiting for his turn to come and get me.... I was left standing on my own. I glanced over and seen my guy rub his knees, take in a deep breath and stand up. Fireworks were exploding inside my head, I wanted to run upto him and wrap my arms around him but I had to remain composed as hard as it was. He walked upto me and stopped. With the most gorgeous smile on his face he said 'hello, I'm james', took my hand and led me to the table. He was a complete gentleman, pulled out my chair for me, asked me if I needed anything etc.

For what seemed an eternity, we stared into each others eyes smiling from ear to ear. He broke the silence telling me I was beautiful and that I have the most gorgeous eyes he's ever seen. I smiled shyly, thanking him and repaying the compliment.

.....

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We did nothing but talk, had so much in common. He reached over to hold my hand and told me he wanted to do this again, then he lent in and kissed me.

I felt like Bella off Twilight at her prom. It felt like we were the only 2 people in the room and that me and him were all that mattered.

Suddenly, I was taken out of my trance when the guy who was there playing his keyboard started to sing 'Lady in red'. I told James how much I loved the song and he asked me to dance. He took me by the hand and led me to the dancefloor..... he wrapped my arms around his neck and he placed his hands upon my waist. He told me how he thought me wearing uggs was ridiculously cute, then he kissed me on my nose and we danced the rest of the night away....

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It's official (I know I have said this before!) I am now a single parent.

Dbf and I had a heart to heart last night and both agreed that we will never learn to get on. As much as I wanted it to work, he admitted he didn't know how to make it happen. That to me proved that the love was lost..... otherwise he would know what he had to do to make us both happy.

Last night I was in tears, but today I am surprisingly ok. I think I know so much that our r/s has just run it's course and I am happy to try and rebuild my life again. Hopefully as we discussed we can remain friends for the sake of Leia and I realise it can take time etc but the last thing we both want is it turning nasty. Who knows what might happen if one of us meets someone new but I know on my part that is the least of my worries. I want to focus on getting me back and I don't need/want a man whilst in this process.

xx

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I moved back to my Mum's on Saturday, after me and the ex had a massive blow out. I knew it would happen eventually, just maybe not so quickly! I am upset because he's ruined my Christmas.... he could've been around but now he's made things awkward so he can't be and I am mad at him for that.

Fingers crossed things get better!

xx

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I have been so weak since the break-up, letting him know how heart broken I am. He's been using it to get to me, ignoring my texts, not bothering with me etc. Although, let me just tell you he is bothered when he is bored with nothing better to do!

I am hurting so bad and if I am honest, I didn't think I would be in this much pain. I thought I was ready to go, that enough was enough and that he was making me hate him. I guess any break-up isn't that easy and the fact we have our DD makes it a lot harder to let go.

I would never go back. I have weak days where I consider it but in all reality, there would be no point in putting myself or my DD through it.... to only leave again in a week or even a few months. Do not get me wrong, there's nothing more I would love than to be with him as a family. I hate being a statistic, one parent family Sad My daughter deserves more and I feel like a failure because I let this happen. I need to stop torturing myself but it is hard when I look into her gorgeous blue eyes and she asks me 'where is daddy?' It could be worse, he could be dead and then I wouldn't know what to say to her! Luckily, she asks very rarely but I remember those odd occasions.

Please, someone tell me that this gets better??

xx

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I just wanted to add that living on an island sucks sometimes! I still have what seems like a bazillion Christmas presents to be delivered that I ordered online, but because the boats keep being cancelled due to bad weather it's taking foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

I wouldn't change 'the rock' I live on for a zillion quid though, I love it here. It's the 'comeovers' that ruin it for us Manxies.

xx

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Yet another day where there is a huge argument.

DD is Mary in her nursery nativity tomorrow and now her Dad is saying he can't make it. WTH? She might never be Mary again, why would you want to miss this?

He has also said he is moving back to the UK mainland in April when the lease is up on our place we had together. So he's deserting yet another child Sad I am so sad for DD, she does not deserve any of this!! Why didn't I pick more wisely when deciding to have a child?? I know for a fact that when he goes back he will not bother with her, he'll always be skint so he won't come here and I am certainly not paying to get her over there!!

Urgh. He is meant to have her this weekend because he has been busy pretty much every other and is the weekend after, but now he doesn't knwo what he's doing so is saying he doesn't know if he can have her!! I did threaten him with court, what else am I meant to do?? His response was that I'm an evil b*tch though..... how am I? I am just trying to get you to see your beautiful daughter who never asked for any of this!!

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I went out on Friday night! Black eye Friday they call it, it's meant to be the busiest night before Christmas and lots of fighting.... something like that and believe me, I was nearly a statistic for other reasons!!

Had an absolutely brilliant night with B. Was her first night out since having baby C, so we wanted to let our hair down together Smile She didn't pick me up until after 8 but that was ok because I had time to have a wine or 2 before I left home Smile As soon as we got out of the car I was being pestered by men. Why can't they be good looking men though? They were dodgy looking alcho's in my opinion!! Tbh, I am SO not interested in having another man, I wanna live a little but sometimes attention is nice..... like I said though, from gorgeous young men only haha. Anyway the first place we went to was jam packed.... ?1 a drink explains it all but the place is tiny so I felt like a sardine, only not covered in oils just covered in split drinks!! grrr. We left and went to another pub where we could sit and have a chat for a bit. Next stop was a club and who was in there but the guy I cannot get out of my head these days!!

I would never go near him now as I know he has a gf and 2 kids - but it was nice to know I still had it and that he still wanted me after so long!

Background - I have known him since we were about 13 maybe? He was in a band with my cousins and when we were about 15/17 we hooked up. It was nothing serious, we just met up every now and then. We'd just go park up in the car somewhere, talk, kiss.... we did sleep together a lot but it was sex for him. I have to say, he is the most sensual guy I've even been with, like the way he touched me and I have never been able to forget it! lol. So yea, for whatever reason we stopped hooking up but whenever we saw each other out we'd always end up together by the end of the night. Until I found out he had a gf! I was in a club one night which had an upstairs and downstairs. I had gone upstairs and as soon as I walked through the door, someone grabbed my behind..... turned out to be him but I just shot him the 'you're unreal' glance haha. Anyway, however long later as I was coming down the stairs, him and his gf were coming out from downstairs and she started yelling at me to stay away from him! He literally had to hold her back from hitting me and so that made me angry so I yelled at her that she needed to control her man and tell him to keep his hands off of me.

I didn't see him for a while after that, until they had split up and he was out and about again..... we ended up in a hotel above the club we were in, whoops! The last contact we had was in Feb 09 and I'd thought of him ever since. Then I met him on Friday night. He was ALL over me, touching my behind, trying to put his hands up my top. I let him know whilst he had a gf he had no chance and that I wanted more than sex with him but we went our seperate ways before the night was over.

We walked to the last club and passed both our ex's on the way, who were chatting to some girls. I wasn't surprised but B kicked off, although they ignored her. When the night was over that J turned up outside the club and started yelling in B's face so she ran inside the hotel, so he started on me instead. Said the most horrible things, how I was fat and that's why I was single etc..... I was so angry and gave back as good as I got. I ended up texting ex DBF though, telling him he was to have nothing to do with DD as long as he had a friend like that!!

I'm meant to be out again next Friday but if it means bumping into J again I don't think I wanna! I'll end up in trouble otherwise.

xx

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It's been a weird couple of weeks.

B and I went out again on the 23rd, another great night but I did something very bad Sad I took someone home with me! Trust me, I felt awful, like I was cheating. I was only rebounding though, the attention he gave me made me feel alive again and I haven't felt like that in a long time. It sounds ridiculous, but I felt young again and not just from the attention of a man. I saw sooo many people that I haven't seen for years and they were all lovely, asking where I'd got to haha. I lost touch with a lot of people whilst with DBF because he didn't like me goign out and he thought people had different intentions. My 2 best friends were male, Gillies and Wes..... used to have such a blast with them back in the day! We've all grown up now, Wes has a baby and Gillies is living it up in Spain but I have fond fond memories, love them both too bits!

Ahhh gotta shoot for a min....

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Not catching up.... but posting something important!!

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So I'm having 'one of those days' today Sad Why do we as women have to suffer the witch, she does nothing for my mental state and make me feel miserable! Ack.

Life right now is pants. I'm stuck at my job, wondering when the heck my leaving date will be. It's like catch22, glad I have an income coming in, but just want to move on now. Nothing can be done until I leave though so that I can get my redundancy package. Then what happens if I don't get another job?? I'm literally screwed!

I have fallen out with my Dad, again. I only ever contact him to borrow money and on to him it looks bad but my reasons are it's the only time I actually get to him him, when he drops the money off to me Sad I am sure I have said this before, but I am so upset at the Grandad he has turned out to be...... a **** one basically! He never sees DD, never asks how she is, never wants to take her out..... I truly thought he would never be like this. I guess he's just a typical man, only cares about what he has at that present moment. Right now, his gf and her DD are more important.

My Mum tries to be there for me, but we're so completely different it annoys me! She's not hard faced, but she doesn't show her emotions like I do and sometimes she will say things that make me feel like sh*t and like I'm a loser for being sad about things. I just want her to hug me and tell me all will be ok, but instead it's "oh, get over it already!" and it hurts Sad My sister is just like her aswell, they always put me down for the personality I have. I can't help being who I am and if my own family don't like it, I have NO chance!

My BFF is still letting J treat her like a doormat and in the process, he's calling me for everything. OK, call me a pr*ck, a w*nker etc but why does he have to get personal and say I'm fat this, fat that?!! Sad I let on it doesn't bother me but it really does. Who does he think he is??!!!! He's nothing but a cheating, lying scumbag. I want nothing to do with him, but then again I don't want to lose my friend. She's been a sh*t friend at times but she's also been the best aswell. DDs dad still gives him the time of day too, even after the pr*ck slagged me off in the street, saying I was single because I was so fat and such a mess....... if you loved someone as much as you proclaim, would you not tell your so called mate that he was completely out of order? DDs dad did, but he has bad mouthed me since and he's not stuck up for me again Sad

Am I such a bad, worthless piece of sh*t that no-one actually even cares whether I'm here or not??????

#downintheduldrums

xx

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I've just read my last entry and wowzers!! I get myself in some right tizwoz' #embarrassing.

F*ck that sh*t, life could be so much worse.

I'm back on track, diet commenced Monday and I have already lost 4lbs. In the process of trying to book a holiday..... we were aiming for Florida but it's just too god damn exspensive, so we have opted for All Inclusive in Salou, Spain Smile I don't care where I go as long as it's hot and plenty for the kids to do!

Andrew and I are getting on better which is always a bonus.

I've learnt to accept that my Dad is a waste of time.

All I need is my daughter, my family and the few good friends I still have.

Nothing else matters.

xx

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So much but yet sooo little happens between my diary entries.

The latest is B and I have finally fallen out for good. One Saturday night, she called me because she'd called the police on J and she wanted to know if he was at mine (sure, cuz I'd have him here...not) anyway and by the Wed, she was giving the relationship a go and moving in with him. So, my mouth got the better of me and I said something about it, which wasn't mean but maybe I could've kept it to myself. Well, she is ignoring me now and won't answer my texts or calls. It's obviously easier for her to cut me out of her life so she doesn't need to worry about him getting p*ssed if I call round and stuff. That's fine, it's her loss. I am a tad upset that she could do this though but in the same breath I am not surprised in the slightest.

I don't need/want a friend like her anyways. Her other so called friend had a baby about 4 weeks after she did and just the other week B was telling me how ugly her kid is...... since she's stopped speaking to me she is spending more time with her, letting her look after her little one and stuff. Winds me right up.

So yea, that's going down - glad but not at the same time.

xx

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Wow - this year must be flying for me to have left updating for 2 and a bit months!! Ha.

Well, since I last updated, me and B are speaking again :confused: I know I know. I sound like a complete pr*ck after all I said in my last entry and if I am honest, I still stand by half of it. I struggled without her in my life though and I don't know why other than we were THAT close. She got in touch and apologised for the way she had just stopped talking to me and admitted it was because of J and that she needed me (what a surprise!) which I am happy to be there for her. So yea, we have been hanging out quite a bit with the kiddies and it has been nice Smile

Our lease was up at the end of April on the house we currently rent and I was desperate to find a new one. Simply for the fact we're too far away from DDs school and my family... okay, it's not miles but I cannot afford the petrol now the prices have gone up again! ?20 goes within 2 days, bloody joke. So anyway, I found one advertised around the 4/24 and decided to go see it. DBF told me it had to be special to make him want to move (yea well you would say that cuz you don't have to ferry DD around everyday!) so yea, we fell in love with it. It is closer to her school and it has an extra bedroom, all for the same price we pay now. We move in 5/26 and I am SUPER excited Smile

DBFs BFFs were over this weekend just gone and you know what, they treated me better than he does! Firstly, I offered to iron their clothes and Deano flat out refused to let me, said he thought it was disrespectful to let me do it. Wow haha. Then on Sat night they were out and I was at B's. I get a phone call at 01:15 and it's DBF, kicking off because he didn't have a key and I wasn't home. I hear his friend in the background tell him to not speak to me like that and that I was probably expecting them later than then, which was the truth! Yea, take that! Turns out Deano got too drunk and wandered off out the club. They had to go find him because he didn't have a clue how to get back to our place, ha.

Things with DBF are up and down, I know it will never change. I can't even remember the last time we DTD it's been THAT long Sad I'm only 27 ffs, I should still be at it like a rabbit nevermind feeling like a virgin! Ah well, I will wait and see what happens once I get a new job (IF I'm lucky) and if nothing is better after moving into the new house then I know I have have HAVE to move on. I say it a million times over but once I know I can survive money wise on my own I will do it. It's a shame because I do love him but he's making me start to dislike him, a LOT and then the whole no sex thing is wrecking my head.

Well, that's about it for now I think. I'll be back sooner than 2 months next time haha.

xx

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Haha and there goes another 2 months of my life, in the blink of an eye!

Things with DBF are no better, he is like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute he's so loving and caring, the next I'm being called every name under the sun *sighs* We moved into the new house around May 26 and it was supposed to be a fresh start, try and leave the sh*t that's gone on behind us. Well, for the first couple of weeks we did nothing but argue Sad What upsets me the most, is it's over the most trivial things yet it escalates into something major. I can handle it to a point, but the name calling and the 'just leave!' remarks hit me the most. DBF pays the rent..... we tried doing it where we split everything down the middle but it (for some reason) never worked. So he pays the rent, I pay nursery and bills and we share the food and petrol bills. Anyway, whenever we argue he always reminds me that he pays for us to live in this house and he almost always tells me to leave. He knows I have nowhere to go..... my Mum has made it quite clear that she would rather not have me move back in with her. It's fair enough, it didn't work last time and I obviously keep coming back she's probably fed up with it all. So yea, I need a new job so I can afford my own place!

Things aren't looking great on that front tbh Sad I have applied for numerous roles but haven't even made the interview stage and I am starting to panic. I need a job so that I can move into my own place and to be able to support DD and myself. I know for a fact when I have no work, DBF will be even worse when it comes to him pointing out what he has to pay. It should not be like this, we are his family and he should be happy to be able to provide for us! I never chose to lose my job. What annoys me aswell is that he was made redundant himself last Sept, so he should understand what I am going through. Plus, as a partner should, I supported him through it and encouraged him. I'm getting none of that Sad I am praying to god that a miracle happens ie I win the lotto and escape somewhere hot for a few months haha.

Lastly, my Dad text me (he's on holiday) on Saturday night to tell me that him and his floozy have got engaged. I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea how to feel or react but alls I do know is that he needs to tell my Mum. It's all over facebook, and it upsets me to know that people who don't matter know before she does. I'm not sure whether I should tell her myself, but then I really don't want to be in that siuation again Sad

xx

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Just a little update.

Over the last month or so, I started to notice that DD has a dodgy left eye. I started to pick it up on pictures, but brushed it off thinking it was the angle the picture had been taken. Then I noticed it one day when we were having a conversation.... so anyway I took her to the opticians yesterday and they confirmed that the muscles behind her eye are weak. Luckily, it has not impaired her vision, meaning she does not need a prescription. However, she has been referred to a specialist who visits from the UK so that she can have a closer look. She will probably need glasses to strengthen the muscles which I would rather than her needing an operation! I will keep you posted how that pans out.

On the job front...

I was applying and applying for jobs, looking for interview experience and nothing was being offered to me. I was receiving the usual, thank you but we cannot take your application further so I started to sh*t myself. I have been in my current role for the last 8 years, so interviews terrify me. I just wanted a look into how they might pan out and obviously hoped I would get better with each one. Anyway, because I crapped myself I put myself forward for a job that was advertised where I am currently. It means that if I got the job, I would lose my redundancy.... but I would have a job and that is the main thing. Meanwhile, my manager asked me if I would consider staying until the end of the year as the job roll outs have been delayed. I was hmming and harring but because I had heard nothing from anywhere else I told her I would. This was all last week and now, I have 3 interviews lined up! Now I don't know if I definitely have to stay here until December and if I do, that would mean if I got one of these jobs I would lose my redundancy. That is an issue because these 3 jobs are in different companies, so if anything was to happen ie I was made redundant again, I would have no money behind me. So yes, I am totally unsure what to do.

DBF is NOT helping the situation. He is mad at me for saying I wanted to stay on longer and seems more concerned about me losing the money than me getting a job. Obviously I would love to get the money, I deserve it! However, I also need a job to provide for DD and I. What he doesn't get is he is the one who has made me sh*t myself. As he pays our rent, whenever we argue he tells me to leave and he always reminds me that he pays the rent and I don't. I need a job to make sure that if worse come to worse, I would have a job to get a place for me and DD. What an a$$hole, I feel completely unsupported.

xx

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What is redundancy? Is that like being vested in a 401(k)?

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"ShiningLight" wrote:

What is redundancy? Is that like being vested in a 401(k)?

I will basically get 3 weeks of my monthly salary timed by how many years I have worked for this company.

xx

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So it's 16:14 and practically half of my work colleagues have left for the day. I soooo wish I could finish at 16:00, but Mummy duties call and I just HAVE to drop DD off at school for 09:00..... lol.

This has been the longest day EVER! I swear, everytime I look at the clock it is 5 minutes after I last looked and I fear the day might never end haha. On a plus, we're all off to laser blast tonight Smile My Mum is sleeping DD over which means I can come home whenever I please, happy days. DBF doesn't seem too pleased though.... just called him to ask if he'd get DDs stuff ready so I can pick it up and go dtraight to my Mums, but as per usual, he was a grumpy old fart. I honestly don't GET him anymore.

PMA............ positive mental attitude from now on. I WILL get this job and I WILL make a better life for DD and I.

I was having a convo with my co-worker before and I have learnt SO much about some of the people I work with! For starters, a LOT of my managers are complete sleezes..... I have had a run in with a few of them but this was going back years. They're still upto their old tricks though and all of them either have children or are engaged to be married. Makes me sick and makes me wonder why I am not a lesbian haha.

I haven't spoken about my Dad for a little while and forgot to mention that he got engaged...... yes, that's right...... ENGAGED!!!!

Is he for real?? His divorce from my Mum only came through WEEKS ago!! Well, I will not be at the wedding. I'm sorry and I probably sound like a right spoilt brat but I don't care, she is only with him for his money. She makes NO effort whatsoever with his children, or grandchildren, so why should we pretend we are happy he's marrying a complete stranger?!!! Ah well, he will learn the hard way.

xx

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:angry5:

I am SOO angry!!!!!!

My cell isn't working atm so I thought I'd call DBF on the work phone to see if he was up yet (he works nights). So anyway, he answers the phone and I'm thinking 'he sounds weird', which I tell him and then I ask if he's had a drink and he tells me yes! At first I was mad because I thought he was bunking off work to drink but now I am angry because he's drunk before DD and I are even home!

I get everyone likes a drink and he doesn't drink as much as he used to, but normally every friday, he comes home from work and doesn't go straight to bed. He will start drinking instead, so by the time I get home with DD, he's drunk and useless to us. He reckons he does it to 'keep him awake' as he wants to sleep Friday night, ready for the weekend. I get that but drinking to stay awake?? PLEASE! Anyway, he isn't working tonight because one of the machines they use is down, ok, but WHY does he have to get drunk??!! If he wants to have a few beers, why can't he just wait until DD has gone to bed?? Why does it have to be during the day??

OMG, I could beat his a** right now!!! Sad

I don't know. I wonder sometimes if I am too harsh on him but then I've been through so much sh*t caused by him being drunk I'm on edge straight away. I told him I was dropping DD off and going out but I can't leave her with him and yet I don't want to have to deal with him either.

GOD PLEASE.

Let my interview on Monday go well so that I can move the hell on.

disclaimer... I know I have said this since the day I started this journal but I have always meant it.

xx

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So I got home and it was clear DBF had been drinking. I was so p*ssed! My reasons for being annoyed are probably obvious if you read my blog, if not then it is because he has done and said really hurtful things in the past. As soon as I know he is drinking, it puts me on edge and I just can't help but voice my opinion. It makes me feel bad sometimes and that I am being too hard on him, but he has to remember that if he had treated me right from the start then it probably wouldn't be an issue.

Anyway, I never said anything to him in front of DD and he actually made the effort to play with her. He does anyway but I just thought because he'd been drinking he wouldn't be bothered about helping out. I got her tea ready and he put her to bed. Once she was sorted, he tried putting his music on. Right, now I don't mind listening to a bit of music but when he's trying to blast it out and DD is upstairs trying to sleep, absolutely no chance. Plus, I know it leads to more drinking with him and a restless nights sleep for me. Remember, I had work in the morning and DD had school and nursery! IMO, it's selfish. I was trying to get my point across to him that I don't want to come home to a drunk and I don't want DD seeing him like he was. He reckons she doesn't even notice because she's still young but I guarentee it won't take long before she starts asking me questions. Heck, we all here know what kids are like!

We ended up getting into an argument. We weren't shouting or anything but he was saying hurtful things to me and I'd had enough, so I told him to go f*ck himself and I walked out. I only planned on going to the shop for some things we needed which probably took me about 5 mins. When I got home, he was gone!! Are you f*cking kidding me?? it didn't take him long to return but I was livid...... he left DD in bed, alone in the house. I could not give a sh*t if it was for 10 minutes or 2 hours, who does that???? As he had only nipped to the shop, which only took 5 mins, in his eyes he'd done nothing wrong. DD was fine, no way would anyone enter the house whilst we were gone, no way would she wake up etc etc *rolls eyes* not good enough! He proved to me that I cannot leave her with him alone because I have no idea if he would do it again.

I'm at my wits end. I know tonight (haven't spoken to him today as my cell phone is broke) he will be all lovey dovey and over the weekend the same, but it's just not washing with me. I know he loves me but the respect isn't there anymore.

xx

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I have bullimia.

I can't believe it.

I always used to think people with ED were stick thin, bones protuding etc. I've been reading up on it though and it's confirmed for me that I DO have a problem Sad

I can't help it. No matter what I eat, whether I binge or whether I just eat a salad.... I HAVE to go and be sick. I am overweight because it isn't an all day every day thing, it's more like phases. So for a month or so I won't do it, then for the next 3 months I do it every day. I find if life is getting me down is when it is at it's worst. It's bad, I don't even have to use my fingers anymore Sad I can pretty much be sick on que.

I know I need to seek help, but I am so embarrassed.

xx

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Don't be embarassed so many people have this but it's not like they advertise, you're not alone and it's a really big step to admit this is a problem for you. My dad had it for years and I remember it from my childhood though it took me until adulthood to realize what he was doing.

You can and will get better. Find a group that will help you overcome this and know it will take time but you deserve to be healthy for yourself and Leia.

:bigarmhug:

Cindy

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I agree. You know bulimia is there, and that's a first step. And let me introduce you to a new thought. You are a beautiful woman and you have amazing value. What are your plans to take steps to help you heal? Not only the bulimia but your life in general. DBF and your job are both affecting you greatly. (HUGS)

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Thank you for replying Cindy.

I guess it's just embarrassing because I know it's self inflicted. I worry people will think I'm selfish and stupid, which I guess in a way is true!

I've known for a little while that I have it but just recently a girl I know who had anorexia passed away in her sleep and it's made me think about it a lot more. With everything that is going on atm re DBF an work I've noticed I've been really bad lately and I know I need to stop.

How do you strike up the convo with the Doctor though that you think you have it? I just feel like he will look at me and say 'don't be so silly!' because I'm not under weight.

Ooooh I don't know, it's a toughy.

xx

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If he's an intelligent doctor he'll know that many people with bulimia aren't underweight and if he isn't smart enough to accept it then find a better doc. This is a coping mechanism just like some people use food, anorexia, drugs, alcohol, etc.

I would just state that you find yourself causing you to vomit when things are stressful and it's something you need help with. It won't be the first time they've heard it nor the worst they've heard.

Cindy

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Thanks again for replying Cindy.

I am building myself up to visit the Dr. I told my Mum the other night and her response was "shouldn't you be skinny?"..... great stuff Mother. I get where she is coming from though as I said before, I always thought if you had an ED you were unwell looking. Anyway..... let's move on from that.

I had another rubbish weekend with BDF. He was invited out by a friend and he kept telling me he didn't want to go..... I however told him that if he chose to stay home, I didn't want him drinking. My reasons, simply being we argue and I could not be bothered with it. So yea, he decided to go out. The last time he met this friend, he stayed out all night so I made clear to him that it better not happen again. Well, guess what! He didn't come home until 9am the next day! I was so mad, especially because I have been unwell but I decided to not let it show in front of DD and I took her out for the day. On Sunday, he again didn't want to do anything with us because he was having pains which I am pretty convinced is drink related. I went to see my Mum that night and I let her know how down I was feeling, how I have bulimia and I think it's worse when things are stressing me out. How I am upset that DD is turning into a brat, thanks to me and DBF. Her reaction was not what I wanted, she never told me to move home and that she would make everything better. She didn't hug me like a mother should IMO...... I left even more upset. I got home and she had tried to call me, then she text telling me to come home. Those few words made me feel 100% better, knowing that if I wanted to I had the choice.

I told DBF what was happening and at first his reaction was nasty. Then he changed and begged me not to go...... I told him I was angry that I had to leave with DD when in fact, he'd been the d*ckhead, he should be the one to go. The last thing I want to do is have to move back home with Mum, but DBF isn't giving me much choice! Anyway, I haven't gone, I am still there and DBF is trying harder. I know it won't last because a person can only pretend for a certain amount of time. We have said that if he screws up one more time it will be over and that HE has to leave, NOT me and DD.

My period is late.

Can you imagine? I'm only 2 days late but I am so regular normally and as of right now I'm having no AF symptoms, so yes. That is very worrying!

xx

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This has been the hardest weekend of my life, and for a change it is nothing to do with DBF. In fact, he has been great!

I took Thurs and Friday off work as wasn't feeling any better from the weekend. I decided to take DD to nursery so I could get some rest. So I go to pick her up on Friday around 4pm and as soon as I walk through the door, I'm told the manager and owner of the nursery want to see me. Straight away I was wondering what I'd done, then I started to worry DD had done something bad. I was ushered into the kitchen where more parents were gathered. They did not look happy, some looked like they had or were about to burst into tears! So the owner started reading from a piece of paper and I heard "police" and pressumed it was to do with double parking outside the nursery. The I heard "a member of staff has been arrested due to indecency towards children" and I was thinking WTF? Am I hearing this right?? When I realised what she was saying, I burst into tears as did other parents and as I composed myself, the owner started to cry. It was like being in a movie! This sh*t only happens in movies or you hear it on the news about places a million miles away from you. NOT at the nursery your child attends, NOT the nursery teacher who looks after your child all day, every day!

Basically, a child had told his parent that something happened regarding this teacher so the mum called the police. They arrested the teacher and upon doing so, have found indecent images of children. As far as we are aware, they're not of children from the nursery but we don't know if that has been after an exstentive search or if it could come out that more have been found and in fact our children are involved!

I was SO scared to tell DBF. He has always said to me that we cannot trust anyone when it comes to DD (he was sexually abused as a child), but because of the sheltered life I have had (being on a small island where you know everyone!) I have always stuck by the fact that people like that are a rarity and that our DD is safe! Well, when I told him he was so angry and rightly so. Even if nothing has happened to DD, the fact she has been around someone like that makes me sick because she was in an unsafe situation. I would like to think that if anything had happened she would have told me, probably not in a sinister way but thinking it was funny that her teacher had touched her..... I just can't be sure though. We have been advised not to question the children as it will then implant the seed. I am waiting on hearing from the police, so that DD can be questioned by a professional...... it makes me so mad that she even has to be put in that kind of situation!! What is wrong with people?!!!

As the person involved has been suspended and is no longer there, DD has gone to nursery today a long with many of the other children. It is just so hard now to trust people and DBF is even jubious about letting her play in the neighbours house..... it just stinks so much Sad

In othr news, I am 1 week and 1 day late with no signs of AF. I took a test at 4 days late and it was bfn, we shall see.

xx

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I'm now 1 week and 3 days late and I feel excited at the thought I could be pregnant. I know I know, wrong timing! I have wanted another child since the day DD was born though and the thought of having another really really excites me and makes me feel happy. If AF shows up I will be so sad!

I know it's possible though. I'm just confused that I am so late though because I never usually am and yes I have an ED but that has never affected it before?? Ah well, what will be will be I guess.

I finish work on Friday for 2 whole weeks, I am so happy about this. We go to Chester Zoo a week on Sat too and I can't wait! I can't rmember the last time I left the IOM! Probably before Leia turned 2.... waaaay too long.

On a positive note, if I'm not pregnant then I can still take my holiday I have planned for May! So, either way it'll be ok Smile

Not much else to update on...... I am sick of my family..... not one of my Dad's side contacted me on DDs birthday and even since it came out about her nursery nurse, nothing! They could not give a f*ck about us.

xx

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Sorry about the change in font, I just fancied experimenting.

I was thinking about how I might come across on here and on facebook. I don't know about you guys, but I only ever tend to update my journal or my status on facebook when I'm either p*ssed off or extremely down. I've figured that I am making myself look like a right miserable tw@t!

I'm really not. Half of what I write in this blog I never mention to people around me. I just figure that none of it will ever change and people don't really care that much about how you feel so you might aswell keep it to yourself. I know that if I don't get it out somewhere though, I will end up either losing the plot or taking it out on someone I shouldn't.

I'm genuinely happy all of the time and guess I've learnt how to cover up my feelings well. My closest friends ie school friends know how I roll and my family just think I'm a deep thinker. I have obviously had times when I will let my guard down but it always results in family telling me I'm being too sensitive or that I am 'imagining it'.

I'm at such a difficult time in my life (IMO) and sometimes it all gets on top of me wondering how to deal with it or make the situation change. For example, my Dad getting engaged. I don't know how to feel but then when I see his now fiancee writing things to him on facebook about how she's going to be a 'M*ck**' soon it irritates me. Then I see her writing to people about how they will probably get married in Blackpool (her hometown) and how her daughter is going to be bridesmaid. I bet you all, $20 each that I do not get an invite. I'm going to sound like a div, but I don't want to go anyway! However, if they leave me out I will feel very hurt about it..... weird huh? I guess, I feel like the closeness I had with my dad is gone and that once he marries her it will be gone for good. That being said, I'm sick of being the one to make the effort..... my dad should want to have me involved (in his life in general) but right now it seems he's on cookoo land and I don't exist there.

His family annoy me too. Growing up, we were all so close ie me with my aunt and my cousins and we would go visit them at least once a week. Now, I'm lucky if I see them once in 6 months! I'm pretty sure the last time I seen them all was in March, how bad is that? Then I see my dad's fiancee tagging my family in posts about how good a night they all had...... where was my invite? It's like when my dad left the martial home, his family forgot about me. It is so upsetting. Between my cousins they have 13 kids between them..... that's 13 cousins DD hardly ever sees. I want her to have her family incase anything happens to me but they just don't seem bothered. Ah well.

xx

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I'm bacccccccccck!!

I've been off work for the last 2 weeks so this is why I've been MIA. I bet none of you even noticed though haha.

Usually when I take time off work, I have DD with me a few days and the rest of the time I still put her in nursery. Mainly because I'd still be paying but also because it's nice to have a break. Anyway, I kept her off with me the whole 2 weeks this time and I loved every minute Smile She can be the biggest PITA but it's just brought us closer together and she melts my heart.

We visited the UK and went to Chester Zoo, her first time seeing proper animals ie tigers and lions and bears..... OH MY! haha. Then we did the usual, swimming, indoor play areas, park, beach and chilling. Today is my first day back at work and I already have an interview set up for Thursday in our complaints department, arrrrrrrrrrgh!! I'm not scared rly, just the thought of rejection scares me.

Had a few fallings out with my sister whilst off too. She was off the same time and on our second day, she was in a mood with me because I hadn't arranged to do anything with her. Get a grip. Then when we went to the UK, she had a go at me because I wouldn't have my nephew's bday present for the day and told me I had a bad attitude...... THEN she told me because DD still has a dodey for bed it's child abuse!! Are you serious????? Also I apparently baby her too much *rolls eyes* I'm pretty sure if that was the case she'd still be being carried everywhere, have a stroller and sleep in a cot, right??

SHUT THE F*CK UP!

I have had nothing but sarky comments and drama relating to her for my whole life. I've finally had enough of the bull sh*t, I'm not 12 anymore! She has tried to beat me up on a number of occasions, she always bashes my personality or the "way I am" and I am not taking it. She has been through sh*t in her life that I'd wish on no-one and I have always been there for her, but my problems or worries are big deals to me and she is never there for me. She just tells me I'm too soft or take things too personally. STFU and be my sister!!!!!

Anyway haha..... We'll get through it.

17 WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!

I cannot WAIT because last year was my worst ever, therefore I plan on this year being AMAZING!

xxxxx

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So for the last hour I have been looking at clothes websites. I'm desperate, I walk round like a right scruff and unlike most women I only own 4 pairs of shoes! Why can't I buy myself anything then? I will fill up my baskte with tops and shoes and then when I come to checkout, I fill out all my details and close the webpage before I can "proceed with the payment". Sometimes, I just can't justify the ?50 it's going to cost when I could be using my money to get something new for DD or more food in the cupboards. I wish sometimes that I was a little more selfish..... like DBF.

Don't get me wrong, he pays his way with important stuff but say for example we're having a bad week and we're struggling for money to get petrol (gas)... he will refuse to take any money out of his savings, even though he HAS IT and knows we won't have to struggle for that ONE week. I WISH I had spare cash I could save but I really don't. My monthly wage it pittons and it's funny because over the last few months it has gone down almost ?100 and I don't know why! I pay DDs nursery which practically wipes out half of my wage, then I pay a loan that DBF and I got out together. Then I pay our gas and electricity bills and I also have my car insurance so it's not like I don't pay my way. I really hope not having nursery to pay next month will help me out, although DBF asked me if I'd start giving him ?100 a month...... I don't want to! I think I have paid enough the last few years and deserve to have my money to myself for once or at least until I get myself a new job. Am I being unreasonable??

xx

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I honestly reckon that if I had a twitter account and word got out, I would have a million and one followers just because of the soap opera life I lead.

Got in my car with DD this morning and the damn thing wouldn't start!!!!!!! Are you f*cking kidding me?? To make matters worse, I have a g*d d*mn job interview at midday and my head just isn't with it, AT ALL!!!

So I got to work late...... my Mummy picked us up. I honestly don't know what I would do without her, she is my Queen, my one and only. I called my local garage and they said they could pick my car up but wouldn't be able to look at it until the middle of next week. Whaaaaaaaat? I neeeeeeed my car grrrr. So, I called a garage closer to work and they're picking my car up today. I'm just worried now about how I am going to pay for it. One thing after another, I tell ya! It's my birthday on Monday though so if my Dad bothers his a$$ and gets in touch, I'll just ask him to pay for it as a present to me.

OMG, an hour and 20 mins to go until the interview. WISH ME LUCK!!!!!

xx

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I had my interview on Thursday and I 'think' it went OK. The 2 guys who took it though are super nice so I'm not sure if I was lead into a false sense of security haha. We shall see..... I hope I'm not waiting another 6 weeks before I hear anything!

I had a lovely weekend.

Our friends Lisa and Ryan came to visit us on Saturday with their 2 LOs. I was happy because I felt completely house bound not having my car! It gave DD someone to play with and me some adult time Smile

My Mum let me borrow her car to go shopping for food on Sat night and so I had it Sunday too. I took DD to visit Beth and then we went to see my Mum who had put on some food for my birthday. It was lovely, my uncle was visiting from the UK so I got to spend some time with him and my cousins Ashleigh and Helen. They're such gorgeous women, I wish we saw more of each other. My childhood friend Kylie moved back to the island on Thursday, after leaving with family when we were 16 and she showed up at Mum's to surprise me. Awwww, she is just the best! She has forced me into doing something tonight seeing as it's "my day of birth" haha. Her, Beth and Julia are coming round for food and giggles Smile

I was quite annoyed at DBF on Sunday too. I told him the plan and said I wanted him to make the effort and come with me, seeing as it was for my birthday. He promised me he would, but when it came to leave he made a song and dance about it so I told him not to bother. He bought me a new camera though, so I felt bad being mad at him...... although I still think he was out of order!

xx

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I need my carrrrrrrr!!

So I put my car in this specific garage, under the impression that they would look at it on the day and get it sorted for me asap. Well, it's now Monday and they haven't even looked at it. I am livid because my preferred garage couldn't look at it until Wed, which is why I went somewhere else.

They better get it sorted otherwise I'll kick off!!!

hahaha.

xx

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I guess my constant pestering paid off because MY CAR IS FIXED! Yaaaaay, and it's only costing me ?61, wooooop lol.

Had such a lovely night last night. Felt a bit bad on DD as Kylie met me from work at 4pm and so she never had my full attention and was playing up a bit, trying to get it. I just want her to act well behaved around people but this isn't always the case. She isn't naughty where she lashes out or anything like that, she's just quite cheeky with her mouth. She might do something she shouldn't and I'll say to her "Leia, stop that right now".... her response could be "well, what you going to do about it then?!" she's way older than a 4yr old and it scares the bejeezuz out of me for what is to come when she is a teenager!

Anyway, so happy I have my car now Smile

xx

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