I just don't have the energy to re-enter my old journal, so I guess I'll just start over. I had thought I just would let it die all together, it's not like I posted every day anyway ... but I discovered tonight that I *need* a place to write down my frustrations.
With that said ... I'm about as frustrated as I could possibly be right now. For the 4th night in a row, all 3 of us are up past 11pm. Loli just WON'T go down. It's driving me f*ing NUTS. And, at least tonight, Carlos is making me CRAZY too. When I gave up around 10:30pm and came out of the dark bedroom w/ Loli (I needed a break), Loli immediately tried to get Carlos to put in a movie. I told him then I didn't think it would be a good idea. Then I came into the computer room to check in on the Oct 2001 board. When I came out, Carlos was putting in a movie .... "he's not at all sleepy and he was just *so cute* when he asked for it."
Fine. Don't listen to me. You ought to know by now that he is NOT going to go to sleep if there is something "worth watching" on the TV.
And I really don't want to hear how about tired he is come tomorrow morning. I've been getting up w/ this kid since two months before he was born (maybe longer, my memory isn't what it was when I got real sleep). I'm a f*ing zombie. I *never* get to go to bed and just sleep until I wake up. OK, so your damn pager has gone off 3 nights in a row. Big fat hairy deal. Get up w/ your son every night for 18+ months and THEN talk to me about being tired.
You want to know why I'm not loosing any weight and why I get sick at the drop of the hat?!?!?! My f*ing body is falling apart. Sleep deprivation is a form of TORTURE for goodness sake!
It doesn't help that I'm still kinda crampy from that damn procedure. Let someone stick liquid nitrogen up your wahoo and THEN come talk to me about being grumpy.
I'm sorry I'm in such a foul mood everyone. But I am. And it seems like I am CONSTANTLY in a bad mood. I"m not myself anymore and it is pissing me off. I want to feel like a HUMAN again! Is that too much to ask?!?!?!?!
And then, in the back of my mind, there is that voice again .... "if you were any kind of a REAL mother, you would have been able to teach your son to go to sleep by now. He's more than 18 months old for Christ's sake. Any *competent* person could have done it. Why can't YOU get your act together?!?!?!"
I feel f*ing horrible. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I feel like a failure, at home, at work, and especially as a mom. And to top it all off ... I'm so far beyond tired ALL OF THE TIME.
I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! I don't want to turn back time. I don't want to even THINK of life w/out my son, but I WANT TO FEEL LIKE *ME* AGAIN! I want to be able to form a coherent thought w/out having to focus every bit of energy that I have.
I ... I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. But I do know I'm about to go snatch my son from his father and take him to bed. And I'll probably scream at him to just go to f*ing sleep the rest of the night. Lovely picture, huh?
Such is my life. Welcome to Zombieland. Life here SUCKS, even when it doesn't suck.