Life In Zombieland
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  1. #1
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    Default Life In Zombieland

    I just don't have the energy to re-enter my old journal, so I guess I'll just start over. I had thought I just would let it die all together, it's not like I posted every day anyway ... but I discovered tonight that I *need* a place to write down my frustrations.

    With that said ... I'm about as frustrated as I could possibly be right now. For the 4th night in a row, all 3 of us are up past 11pm. Loli just WON'T go down. It's driving me f*ing NUTS. And, at least tonight, Carlos is making me CRAZY too. When I gave up around 10:30pm and came out of the dark bedroom w/ Loli (I needed a break), Loli immediately tried to get Carlos to put in a movie. I told him then I didn't think it would be a good idea. Then I came into the computer room to check in on the Oct 2001 board. When I came out, Carlos was putting in a movie .... "he's not at all sleepy and he was just *so cute* when he asked for it."

    Fine. Don't listen to me. You ought to know by now that he is NOT going to go to sleep if there is something "worth watching" on the TV.

    And I really don't want to hear how about tired he is come tomorrow morning. I've been getting up w/ this kid since two months before he was born (maybe longer, my memory isn't what it was when I got real sleep). I'm a f*ing zombie. I *never* get to go to bed and just sleep until I wake up. OK, so your damn pager has gone off 3 nights in a row. Big fat hairy deal. Get up w/ your son every night for 18+ months and THEN talk to me about being tired.

    You want to know why I'm not loosing any weight and why I get sick at the drop of the hat?!?!?! My f*ing body is falling apart. Sleep deprivation is a form of TORTURE for goodness sake!

    It doesn't help that I'm still kinda crampy from that damn procedure. Let someone stick liquid nitrogen up your wahoo and THEN come talk to me about being grumpy.

    I'm sorry I'm in such a foul mood everyone. But I am. And it seems like I am CONSTANTLY in a bad mood. I"m not myself anymore and it is pissing me off. I want to feel like a HUMAN again! Is that too much to ask?!?!?!?!

    And then, in the back of my mind, there is that voice again .... "if you were any kind of a REAL mother, you would have been able to teach your son to go to sleep by now. He's more than 18 months old for Christ's sake. Any *competent* person could have done it. Why can't YOU get your act together?!?!?!"

    I feel f*ing horrible. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I feel like a failure, at home, at work, and especially as a mom. And to top it all off ... I'm so far beyond tired ALL OF THE TIME.

    I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! I don't want to turn back time. I don't want to even THINK of life w/out my son, but I WANT TO FEEL LIKE *ME* AGAIN! I want to be able to form a coherent thought w/out having to focus every bit of energy that I have.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

    I ... I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. But I do know I'm about to go snatch my son from his father and take him to bed. And I'll probably scream at him to just go to f*ing sleep the rest of the night. Lovely picture, huh?

    *sigh*

    Such is my life. Welcome to Zombieland. Life here SUCKS, even when it doesn't suck.

  2. #2
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    *sigh*

    I'm back (aren't you all so lucky). There is nothing wrong w/ me. I'm just in another bad mood. This hasn't been the best week, nor has it been the worst.

    I wonder if I would cheer up some if the sun would come back out?

    I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be the biggest whiner in the world. So why am I doing it? I feel sorry for myself. Why? On the whole, I have a blissfull life. I have a good, easy going, family oriented job that pays pretty well considering the economy. I have the world's most precious little boy who adores the ground I walk on. I have a husband who puts me first, who helps out (w/out having to be asked) around the house and with our son, and who genuinely enjoys my company and wants to be around me (& not just in bed - good thing too since that has suffered so much lately). I have a mother that would sacrifice anything/everything she has for me w/out ever asking for anything in return or even asking why I need it. I am surrounded by friends, both on-line and IRL, that love and support me at every turn.

    I HAVE A GREAT LIFE!

    So why do I feel so yucky all the time? Can it really be the lack of sleep? Or do I need *real* help?

    I dunno. I just know I don't like feeling like this.

  3. #3
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    "When I'm tired,
    and I can't sleep,
    I count my blessings
    instead of sheep.

    And I fall asleep .... counting my blessings."

    These words just came back into mind. They're from a song from an old Bing Crosby movie (White Christmas, maybe?).

    I'm feeling better now. I really do have a great life.

    I've been listening to "feel good music," staring at pictures of my most adorable little brown bear of a boy, and even the sun has begun to shine again (God! I love my new office w/ a WINDOW so I can TELL when the sun is out!).

    Guess I'm going to be OK.

    I have even stuck to my diet today and am gearing up for a nice run this evening. I even have dinner in the crockpot waiting for us when we get home (Santa Fe Stew ... yum).

    Thanks to everyone who has e-mailed, PM'd, or otherwise sent encouraging thoughts today.

    Just keep your fingers crossed that Loli won't be up until midnight tonight. I have a plan (a new one). Let's hope it works.

    G'night for now (it's almost quittin' time).

  4. #4
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    G'morning!

    I'm feelin' so fine today I hardly know what to do w/ myself. I'm working from home all day today (no trip to the office) b/c the shipping company is *finally* coming to take away that dang busted entertainment center that has been cluttering my garage and my life for the last month! The sun is shining today (for the first time in DAYS). I get to spend the whole day home w/ my boy.

    And to top everything off ..... WE GOT SLEEP LAST NIGHT!!! I went to a meeting last night and left Loli home w/ Carlos. We both agreed that I just needed some time away from him. I got home around 9:15, Loli hugged and kissed on me and then asked to nurse. I obliged and he was asleep by a quarter to 10. Then came the though part .... putting him in bed (that's when he's been waking, making us start all over). But he went straight down. No fuss, no muss. I put him down, he grabbed his little lamb that shares his bed, rolled over and went straight to sleep! And to put the cherry on top of this whole event, he slept until 5:30am!!!!! I actually made it to sleep by 11pm, so I managed a few hours myself (actually, that's more sleep than I've had all week long combined)!!!!!!

    What a difference a little bit of sleep makes, KWIM?!?! Maybe my issues *are* mostly sleep related. I hope he can keep this up for a few nights at least, I would love to actually have some alone time w/ Carlos for a change (that's the next thing that is missing in my life that I am in desperate need of catching up on).

    Welll ... I'm off to make brekkie for my little man before he wakes for good this morning.

    G'day!

  5. #5
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    Well ... I'm here. Kinda.

    Things are back to "normal" with Loli's sleeping .... he's going DOWN easily and at a fairly early hour (between 8:30pm and 9pm), but he's waking before midnight and then at least one more time before we allow him to nurse again at 5am.

    *sigh*

    Needless to say, it looks like I am going to be stuck in Zombieland for some time. I am trying to not complain too much as it really is nice that he is going down so easily - it is giving Carlos and I some couple time which we REALLLY need. And it even allows me to catch up on a bit of the housework in the evenings instead of trying to get it all done before taking Loli into daycare each day.

    Loli is also in a really good mood these days. He doesn't have any teeth coming in right now and his allergies have cleared up. He's been SO much fun to be around lately. I admit that I am getting less and less done around the house b/c it's just so hard to not interact w/ him when he's in such a good mood! I know I could plop him down in front of the TV and get dishes, laundry, etc. done ... but he's been so fun, that instead we read or play chase or soccer ... everything is fun right now. Housework be damned! ;+)

    It's been SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice to have a little bit of time w/ Carlos lately, with more on the horizon. We took half a day off from work yesterday and went to a movie and then the gym before we picked up Loli. And then we had time after he went to bed last night. It was GREAT! I mean, we've actually been able to TALK to one another. I hardly know what to do w/ myself. ;+) It's times like this that remind me how much I really enjoy his company. Is that sad or what?!?!?! It's just that ... well ... we really ARE friends and it's nice to spend time w/ my best friend.

    With all of the gushing aside ... there is something else that I've been kicking around in my head. Be patient w/ me as I work it out as I really don't have a good grasp on it yet.

    My mom visited this weekend. Normally, that would be cause for celebration. But the main reason she was here is that my bro and SIL have decided that they *are* going to file for divorce. I'm really sorry to hear this really. I had really hoped they could work things out. I mean, counselling did such wonders for Carlos and I early in our marriage, I had hoped the same for them.

    When mom got here, I found out that her blood pressure has been rising rising. She is swelling a good bit. Looks a lot like I did those last 2 months or so of my pg. NOT GOOD. Along w/ her other health problems, this worries me quite a bit. She doesn't have health insurance either. I sure wish I could help out more there. I'm still looking into it.

    ANYWAY ... the short version of this rant and rave is that my SIL kept bugging my mom all weekend. The whole idea of my mom and niece coming up here is that they needed some time away. And then my damn SIL keeps calling my mom. She even showed up at our house on Saturday evening. Mom did NOT need that. Mom is NOT the kind of person who would ever say that to my SIL (or anyone else), but it was the truth. I tried to be nice about it and told my SIL that she needed to take the time to be w/ her family and just to decompress a little bit w/out worrying about my mom or my niece. She just wouldn't take the hint. So I got ugly about it. I even made her feel bad for being in my house until she left. OK. Maybe it wasn't the best way to handle it. But I didn't know what else to do - she wouldn't take the gentle hints!

    So ... I put it to my mom in a way where she basically had to choose ... and she chose my SIL. OUCH! Yes, it hurts, but to be honest, I'm not really surprised. As much as I love my mom ... she craves a co-dependent relationship. We had one years back (my counselling pointed it out to me and taught me how to get out and avoid it - it's what saved my marriage). My mom simply doesn't know how to exist in a "normal" relationship. So she chose this co-dependent relationship w/ my bro and my SIL and my niece.

    I'm at a point where I feel kinda numb about the whole thing. I don't think it has really sunk in yet. KWIM?

    I look around and realize that all of the family that I really have is Loli and Carlos. I feel bad for myself. But I feel even worse for Loli. I grew up w/ such a large family. HUGE families on both sides, most of us living in the same small town. When I was a kid, it was the neatest thing in the world. When I started dating, it was a nightmare. Carlos and I couldn't go ANYWHERE w/ out running into my family. *sigh* But on the whole, it was a very positive experience and one I would like for Loli to know on some level. Until I started grade school, I never even realized people had close friends outside of their families (I mean, why would you need them if you had so many close relationships w/in your own family?!). I feel a loss for Loli. And I'm a bit bitter that I don't have that support system now when I could use it so much ... I mean, what is more frightening that raising a child????

    I'm angry w/ both of my parents. My dad left years ago and his family just disappeared when that happened. My mom and I have struggled for the last few years (6 or so) b/c I could not understand how she could let my bro and then my SIL take advantage of her like she does. And after this weekend, I'm not sure she'll talk to me about anything more important than the weather.

    I truly love my mom. I've written about it before (in my old journal, so somoene out there might remember it). There is very little I would not do for my mom. And I feel our tenuous relationship falling even further apart. It makes me angry and it makes me sad.

    I do not know what to do about it. For right now, I'm doing nothing. I'm acting like everything is just like it was before this weekend. It's the way she acted before she left. I don't know what she'll act like the next time we talk. I suspect she'll keep up this act for at least a little while. *sigh*

    I pray for guidance. I do NOT know what to do.

    I guess that's it for today. I have a TON of work and really need to get it done before quittin' time (then I can enjoy the evening w/ my boys).

  6. #6
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    Have I ever mentioned that I am TOTALLY in love w/ my son and w/ my husband?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

    Last night, Loli went to bed right on time and I had a bit of quiet time w/ Carlos (much appreciated quiet time at that as we've both been sick w/ a stomach bug). No sooner did I finally go to bed then Loli woke up, typical. ;+) I got him to bed and just couldn't make myself go to sleep (stupid, I know). But I just had the urge to sit there and stare at him, to soak up the peaceful look on his face, and the sweet way his hands reach out for me in the dark. He has changed so much lately. He is very much a little boy now, there is really nothing "baby" about him, except possibly when he sleeps. Maybe that is why I just had to spend all that time staring at him last night. I was looking, searching for something that reminded me of my baby. I know everyone tells you that they grow really fast and to do whatever you can to enjoy the early months. But it really doesn't sink in until it's too late. KWIM?

    I mean, I'm not complaining. I'm so proud of my little man for all of the growing and learning he's doing and I do NOT want to turn back the clocks. But I do miss my baby as well. I know that each moment, each milestone, each turning point is going to be bittersweet, but it's really not something you can prepare yourself for ... at least, I haven't been able to prepare myself for it as of yet.

    I have pictures of Loli all over my office, ranging from 1 week old, to a picture taken last week. Sometimes I will see two pictures next to one another that show how much he has changed (this happened to me today) and it will just hit me like a ton of bricks.

    I love this little boy.

    ......

    I'm sorry but I have to change gears. *sigh* Sometimes I get really frustrated with these folks I work with. NO ONE wants to work around here. I mean, I don't exactly live to work either, but COME ON! What does it take to get a hand around here. The nature of my job is that we often find ourselves w/ little to do (unless things break or it's time for upgrades). My bf works w/ me. Up until a few months ago, we worked pretty closely, then I took on some added responsibilites and went in a slightly different direction. I can't tell you how many times she has complained about taking such a "boring" job. Well .. now things have picked up a bit (they do a couple of times a year) and now she's busy and not enjoying life. WFT?!?!?! AND she's supposed to help me w/a joint project, but now she thinks she's just too busy to learn anything new. WTH does she think *I* am doing?!?!?! Plus, I have another co-worker who is just BRILLIANT but who is hardly ever here, so part of the reason that I've been moved into my new position is so that I can cover for HER! Now ... the last time I looked, I didn't see anything in my job description about babysitting! If I really wanted to do that, I'd stay home w/ Loli!!!

    GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

    It doesn't help that some *other* co-workers blew off a meeting w/ me, showed up a half hour late and expected me to drop everything to answer questions for them which really could have been handled through e-mail or on the phone.

    *sigh*

    You would think this is a Monday.

    Remember that damn "procedure" I had to have last month ... well ... I'm *still* spotting from it. UG. I called the dr on Friday only to find out, he doesn't work on Fridays (I vaguely remember that from when I was pg) and neither do any of the other drs in the practice though there is one on-call. *SIGH* So ... I was supposed to call back on Monday to find out what the deal is, but then I got a stomach bug on Mother's Day (great way to spend the day, let me tell you) and it didn't clear out until last night. SO ... I call today and he says to give it another week and THEN call back. By the, it will have been a WHOLE MONTH of spotting. At least he's going to have a free sample of the bcp I want to switch to. *sigh*

    To top that off ... the furniture people are REFUSING to return my calls and have refused delivery of the damn busted up furniture. So it looks like I'm going to have to go after them through the credit card company. THIS SUCKS!

    GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

    I want to go back to daydreaming about my Loli. I miss him terribly (he made a huge fuss when I left him at daycare today and I really hate to leave him like that). I sure hope his afternoon turned around. *sigh*

    Well ... I have work piling up as I "waste" time posting here. So I guess I had better get back to the grind.

    Take care all.

    p.s. Joan ... I'm thinking of you buddy. I hope things turn around REAL QUICK for you and your family. It's so hard to concentrate on family matters when work sucks so bad. I'm praying that things will come together REALLY fast! Take care and drop me a line if ever you need to vent. I must admit that I feel a bit petty complaining about work when at least I have a steady, reliable, pretty-damn-easy job.

    Best.
    me

  7. #7
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    I'm back. And once again, I'm depressed w/out a real reason for it.

    I have a great life. And I had a pretty damn good weekend. But I got next to no sleep last night (thanks Loli poli). Loli went to bed at 9:30pm, was up at 1:30am, 2:30am, 3:30am, and then up for good at 5am. He took a short nap from 6:30am to 7am, but by then I had to get out of bed and get ready for work, it just meant I got to get ready in peace. *sigh*

    I'm so beyond tired, I cannot express it. I cannot mount a single positive emotion. I'm not unhappy, I'm just not happy. I'm devoid of emotion. I'm drained. I'd give just about anything for a few hours of sleep.

    I'm thinking of taking off of work tomorrow afternoon. But then, even if I stayed home, I'd do something stupid like clean the house (got the kitchen floor mopped today and THAT sure made me feel better for a minute or two - until the dogs came running through followed by Loli and a leaking apple juice cup). ANYWAY ...

    I dunno what I'm going to do about sleep. I guess nothing. It's suck it up time again. I'll live. I just won't be thrilled about it. KWIM?

    Things REALLY ARE going great right now. I can't tell you all what a nice weekend we had. We got to play in a soccer tournament this weekend. I really love soccer. I truly do. I like being out on the field. I like the adrenaline rush I get when a player is coming straight at me w/ the ball. And there is very little that beats the rush of being able to take the ball from them (not often, but I generally have at least one good play per game)! This weekend, I had a COUPLE of memorable moments. I played fairly well (for me anyway). Carlos played pretty well. Loli behaved VERY WELL on the sidelines even though the heat was pretty hard on him. We got to play in 4 games over the course of the weekend and our team actually won the tournament. Not because of Carlos and I though.

    Some of you may remember that Carlos and I play in a 6-man recreational league. We were *supposed* to be an over-30 league, but they didn't quite have enough interest, so there are some younger players, but they are all over 20 and most are in their late 20s with about half of us being over 30 (some even over 40). The league is a "just for fun" league for the most part as well. Our rules are simpler than "regulation" soccer, we play on the same short fields that the kids play on, etc.

    Well ... this weekend, the city was dedicating a new park, which is why they held the soccer tournament. And the soccer league wanted to "advertise" it's existence. SO ... they called for all players who wanted to get in a few games. We told them we were interested, but the bulk of the rest of our team was not interested (many of them work for the same company and they were having a picnic and golf tournament the same weekend). ANYWAY ... so one of the refs who knows us, put together a team for us to play on. Well ... the next oldest player after me wasn't even old enough to VOTE!!!!

    It was nice to play w/ young players ... they're fast, they're enthusiastic, they have all been playing since they could walk, and their skill level was way beyond ours. That's the really good side of things. Carlos and I actually got to play on a winning team for a change!!!

    But we would both change back to our old team in seconds flat!!!! I mean, it was nice to be on a team where you didn't worry if you passed the ball down field if they were going to be able to catch up to the ball (unless someone passed to me, of course). But they were all very young boys and well ... they acted like very young boys.

    In our very last game, the championship game, we ended up tied as time was running out. Everyone knew that, if it ended in a tie, we would have to go to penalty kicks. Well ... I was in the game and the young boys did NOT want me to be one of the players taking a PK. They wanted to win SO BAD that they started calling for me to come off the field a good 5 mins before the game was over. I kept ignorning them. I was really tired and would likely have come off the field on my own, if they had just shut up about it. But b/c they were being such butt heads, I stayed on the field until about a minute before the game ended. I really wish I had had the energy to stay on the field until the end. I really wish I had been able to do that. Would have ticked them all off, but maybe it would have taught them a lesson as well. I dunno. We'll never know. They ruined the last game for me though. I enjoyed every other game of the tourney, but that last game, I just got madder and madder as the game went on. All they cared about was winning. They didn't care one iota if anyone was having fun or not.

    ANYWAY .... Carlos sent a note to our team this morning telling them that we had logged our first wins, but that we'd both give it all back if they would just continue to play w/ us and not have us look towards the kids ever again. ;+)

    This weekend was also mine and Carlos' 11th wedding anniversary. Because of the soccer tourney, we didn't really do too much. But we were all healthy (very different from Mother's Day weekend) and we were all together all weekend long - *I* couldn't have asked for anything more. We did go out to dinner last night and Loli gave us a GREAT present ... he let us all sit at the table through the whole meal!!! He was WONDERFUL! Usually, when we go out to eat, one of us ends up taking Loli out while the other eats and vice versa. But last night, we both got to eat. Loli even ate a bit himself and then he played with the stuff we had brought in for him (& the extra coasters).

    ANYWAY ... I went to bed last night feeling pretty fine. I was definitely counting my blessings instead of sheep, but unfortunately, I didn't get to sleep very long and today I'm having a hard time focusingon the positive.

    I pray that tomorrow will be a better day.

    And I may splurge some calories on some chocolate to see if that will lift my spirits some.

    Here's hoping ....

  8. #8
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    I'm back. And once again, I'm depressed w/out a real reason for it.

    I have a great life. And I had a pretty damn good weekend. But I got next to no sleep last night (thanks Loli poli). Loli went to bed at 9:30pm, was up at 1:30am, 2:30am, 3:30am, and then up for good at 5am. He took a short nap from 6:30am to 7am, but by then I had to get out of bed and get ready for work, it just meant I got to get ready in peace. *sigh*

    I'm so beyond tired, I cannot express it. I cannot mount a single positive emotion. I'm not unhappy, I'm just not happy. I'm devoid of emotion. I'm drained. I'd give just about anything for a few hours of sleep.

    I'm thinking of taking off of work tomorrow afternoon. But then, even if I stayed home, I'd do something stupid like clean the house (got the kitchen floor mopped today and THAT sure made me feel better for a minute or two - until the dogs came running through followed by Loli and a leaking apple juice cup). ANYWAY ...

    I dunno what I'm going to do about sleep. I guess nothing. It's suck it up time again. I'll live. I just won't be thrilled about it. KWIM?

    Things REALLY ARE going great right now. I can't tell you all what a nice weekend we had. We got to play in a soccer tournament this weekend. I really love soccer. I truly do. I like being out on the field. I like the adrenaline rush I get when a player is coming straight at me w/ the ball. And there is very little that beats the rush of being able to take the ball from them (not often, but I generally have at least one good play per game)! This weekend, I had a COUPLE of memorable moments. I played fairly well (for me anyway). Carlos played pretty well. Loli behaved VERY WELL on the sidelines even though the heat was pretty hard on him. We got to play in 4 games over the course of the weekend and our team actually won the tournament. Not because of Carlos and I though.

    Some of you may remember that Carlos and I play in a 6-man recreational league. We were *supposed* to be an over-30 league, but they didn't quite have enough interest, so there are some younger players, but they are all over 20 and most are in their late 20s with about half of us being over 30 (some even over 40). The league is a "just for fun" league for the most part as well. Our rules are simpler than "regulation" soccer, we play on the same short fields that the kids play on, etc.

    Well ... this weekend, the city was dedicating a new park, which is why they held the soccer tournament. And the soccer league wanted to "advertise" it's existence. SO ... they called for all players who wanted to get in a few games. We told them we were interested, but the bulk of the rest of our team was not interested (many of them work for the same company and they were having a picnic and golf tournament the same weekend). ANYWAY ... so one of the refs who knows us, put together a team for us to play on. Well ... the next oldest player after me wasn't even old enough to VOTE!!!!

    It was nice to play w/ young players ... they're fast, they're enthusiastic, they have all been playing since they could walk, and their skill level was way beyond ours. That's the really good side of things. Carlos and I actually got to play on a winning team for a change!!!

    But we would both change back to our old team in seconds flat!!!! I mean, it was nice to be on a team where you didn't worry if you passed the ball down field if they were going to be able to catch up to the ball (unless someone passed to me, of course). But they were all very young boys and well ... they acted like very young boys.

    In our very last game, the championship game, we ended up tied as time was running out. Everyone knew that, if it ended in a tie, we would have to go to penalty kicks. Well ... I was in the game and the young boys did NOT want me to be one of the players taking a PK. They wanted to win SO BAD that they started calling for me to come off the field a good 5 mins before the game was over. I kept ignorning them. I was really tired and would likely have come off the field on my own, if they had just shut up about it. But b/c they were being such butt heads, I stayed on the field until about a minute before the game ended. I really wish I had had the energy to stay on the field until the end. I really wish I had been able to do that. Would have ticked them all off, but maybe it would have taught them a lesson as well. I dunno. We'll never know. They ruined the last game for me though. I enjoyed every other game of the tourney, but that last game, I just got madder and madder as the game went on. All they cared about was winning. They didn't care one iota if anyone was having fun or not.

    ANYWAY .... Carlos sent a note to our team this morning telling them that we had logged our first wins, but that we'd both give it all back if they would just continue to play w/ us and not have us look towards the kids ever again. ;+)

    This weekend was also mine and Carlos' 11th wedding anniversary. Because of the soccer tourney, we didn't really do too much. But we were all healthy (very different from Mother's Day weekend) and we were all together all weekend long - *I* couldn't have asked for anything more. We did go out to dinner last night and Loli gave us a GREAT present ... he let us all sit at the table through the whole meal!!! He was WONDERFUL! Usually, when we go out to eat, one of us ends up taking Loli out while the other eats and vice versa. But last night, we both got to eat. Loli even ate a bit himself and then he played with the stuff we had brought in for him (& the extra coasters).

    ANYWAY ... I went to bed last night feeling pretty fine. I was definitely counting my blessings instead of sheep, but unfortunately, I didn't get to sleep very long and today I'm having a hard time focusingon the positive.

    I pray that tomorrow will be a better day.

    And I may splurge some calories on some chocolate to see if that will lift my spirits some.

    Here's hoping ....

  9. #9
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    These are the 10 levels of sleep deprivation that I have yet to experience ...

    1) groggy
    2) sleepy
    3) beat
    4) bushed
    5) tired
    6) fatigued
    7) worn-out
    exhausted
    9) numb
    10) zombie

    I don't know what comes next, but I feel myself slipping further and further past zombie every day. I just want to scream ...

    I'M SO TIRED!

    I want to scream it to anyone and everyone. I want it to be tattooed on my forehead or something as a warning to everyone around me. I wish I would turn colors or something based on the level of sleep loss I was experiencing so that others would know what they could expect from me (next to nothing these days). I want people to UNDERSTAND why I'm just not on the ball all the time anymore.

    I know most of my friends, family, and co-workers understand. BUT because they are not living it every day, it just doesn't seem to stick in their minds. KWIM? Even Carlos, as wonderful and loving and supportive as he is (he's the BEST) .... I wonder if he really has a clue. I mean, I do my best to function at a nearly normal level, but I don't think anyone can really understand the struggle that I go through in order to appear "nearly normal." It takes every once of energy and effort that I have in me in order to get through the day. And I don't fall asleep anymore ... each and every time I am given the chance, I totally pass out. It's not gentle. It's not even very relaxing. It's just my body taking over and taking what it so desperately needs, that which I have been fighting against it all those hours.

    There are so many days when I wonder how on Earth I ever made it to quittin' time or to that moment when Loli starts his gentle snores and I know I can relax. There are so many moments when I realize ... no one should have ever let me get behind the wheel of my car, especially with the baby in the back. But who the hell else is gonna do it????????

    My problems are few and far between. But this loss of sleep is affecting every single second of my waking life, it touches everything I do, everything I ought to do, everything I WANT to do.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

    I love my son. I would NOT trade a minute of his life to be completely rested again. I would rather carry on like this until he's married and in his own home than to even THINK of a day without him.

    But I am not the mommy he deserves when I am so damn tired.

    LORD HELP ME!!!!!!

    Actually, the Lord has been very good to me. I have a wonderful supportive husband who does all that he can to help me find time to sleep (other than the hours when everyone else in the world seems to be sleeping). I have the kind of job that allows me to be home for half a day (when I end up doing more house work that "real" work). I have a boss that understands and helps me along whenever he can. I have friends that are loving and supportive.

    But I am still a zombie. And I'm scared to find out how much further my body can be pushed.

    Today is beautiful outside (save the mind numbing heat). I'd love to be poolside.

    My son is healthy and loves me beyond all others.

    My husband is healthy and loves me beyond all others.

    I hate to complain so much about the sleep b/c I know of so many who would give everything they have for the blessings that grace my life each and every day.

    Lord, help me to focus on the positive (b/c there is so much of it really).

    Lord, forgive me for my weakness.

    Lord, give me strength to be all that my son and husband, friends and family, boss and co-workers need me to be.

    Lord, show me the way. Help me to teach my son. Help me to know what is right and best for him and give me the energy to do it.

    Amen.

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