I titled this journal this for a reason. Up until a few years ago, I based all my decisions on what my head said rather than what my heart said. One day I woke up & realized i was living a life I never pictured myself to be living in. I was in a crappy assed marriage to a man I didn't love & that didn't have any respect for me or my daughter. I've always had an image of the type of man I'd marry & spend my life with & my heart knew this wasn't the man.I knew in my heart I deserved better so, I made the decision to get out while I was still young no matter how terrified I was. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I was torn between two children that I loved more than anything in the world. I knew whatever decision I would make would hurt one of them in some way. If I stayed I would hurt my baby girl by having her be treated like crap from her step-dad & if I stayed, my baby boy would grow up without his daddy full-time. So, after my ex fought with me in front of the kids & broke a chair, I decided I couldn't stay & have them witness this all of their lives. I didn't want Clay, my son, to grow up thinking he could treat women like this & I didn't want Haley, my daughter, thinking this was the way women are to be treated. Haley was hurt because we had to move out of the house (I couldn't afford to take care of it alone) & move in with my dad. I hated taking them both out of their home but, I had no other choice. The house was old & needed major repairs that I couldn't afford to take care of. Clay was only 5 & wasn't in school yet so, it didn't affect him as badly as it did Haley. She had friends she grew up with since kindergarten & didn't want to start a new school. I felt her pain but, there was no other choice. It hurt me to no end. I felt like the worst mom in the world but, I couldn't stay in a marriage for the sake of a house. I explained to her why we had to move & that it was only temporary & someday we'd have our own house again. I didn't know what to tell her.

We moved in with my dad last summer & it's been a huge adjustment for all of us. My dad has always been the greastest, nothing but unconditional love for me all my life. He's been my safe place to go when I didn't feel safe. He's rescued me from all sorts of things. Haley & I lived with him for the first 4 years of her life so he's gotten closer to her than my sis or bros kids. They developed a strong bond. Her birth literally brought out a new side of my dad.

A week after we moved in I re-enrolled in the community college part time for an Associates in Arts degree. I went when Haley was a toddler for nursing & then I decided I didn't really want to be a nurse so, I quit. I had a lot of credits built up so I just had to take the required ones for this degree. It felt really good to be back in school. At that time I was just concentrating on 2 things, my kids & getting my life back together. Then it happened.......