For those who may have been following me on my ttc journal, I decided to end that journal and am starting a new one here. I will no longer be actively pursuing ttc. I've decided to move on with my life, and to live that life to the fullest.
There are many obstacles that can come our way that try to (and sometimes do) stop us from fulfilling our dreams, but I don't want to let those obstacles stand in my way of enjoying the life the Good Lord gave me to live on this earth. If I can't fulfill one dream, then I will find another one to pursue. I refuse to give up. He has a purpose for me, a way to affect others' lives in a positive way, and I intend to discover that purpose, one day at a time.
This journal will be to record my ups and downs along the way, so put on your seat belt and hold on tight.
Today, grogginess was the first thing I felt when I woke up. It threatened to keep me in bed all day, but I forced myself to get vertical, and proceeded to somehow float along through the day in my perpetual fog.
At church, my grogginess was interrupted by a cute baby, riding along on his mother's shoulder. That face. Oh, that face. He was looking around, his face scrunched up, curious yet confused at the same time, trying to figure out what was going on as his mother carried him up the stairs. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and a lump began to form in my throat. Tears filled my eyes, but I pressed down my emotions as I climbed the stairs leading to the balcony. "I've made the decision. That's it," I told myself. "We won't be trying for another baby anymore." So why did it hurt so much to see that shoulder-riding baby?
I was alone at the time, my husband had stopped off to use the restroom and would join me upstairs later. Good thing, because I didn't want to have to explain the tears in my eyes. Not then.
I did tell him later, in the van, on the way to eat lunch. I was all lighthearted about it then, though, joking around. I told him, with a laugh, that I didn't understand why I was affected so much by seeing a baby, knowing what came with having a baby. The diaper blowouts, the waking up every two hours, the need to feed, and everything else that having a baby entailed. He laughed right along with me, but gave me a sideways glance a couple of times. I could tell he was wondering if I was really okay deep down.
Well I have more, but I must go now. Next post I will talk about my dream of running, and the obstacle I am currently facing with that, plus the novel I am working on that finally made it past the first page.
I hope you don't mind me making a post on here. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. The Lord works in mysterious ways honey, don't ever give up hope - but DO live life to the fullest with your sweet daughter.....what a treasure and blessing she is.
As for the obstacle I'm facing that is threatening to stop me from running, it's my hips.
*Takes out violin, begins playing slowly*
Both hips bother me, but my right hip is the worst. If I happen to move the wrong way or do the wrong thing, it definitely lets me know that it's there. My SIL (on DH's side) apparently had the same problem, her orthopedic doctor told her that as you get older (not that I'm old, just 'older' ), the muscles that run along the outside of your thighs tend to tighten up, and they pull on your hip joints. So she gave me some stretches to do, which I am trying. Speaking of which, haven't done them today. I've been so busy that I didn't even think about it. Need.to.do.some.before.bed.
My hips have given me issues all along as I trained using the Couch to 5K program (and completed it), but it was manageable, until after I ran that 5K and was--during that same time--also doing a new workout DVD that involved deep lunges. Something changed, and I was no longer able to run without being in pain. It felt like someone was taking a giant wrench and tightening the muscles surrounding my upper thighs and up into my hips and *ahem* gluteus maximus muscle.
I thought surely that time would heal them, but it hasn't... well maybe a miniscule amount. At least I can get up out of a chair now without proceeding to walk like a penguin. It still hurts to bend my leg to one side while in bed, though, or to lie on my side for any length of time. There is also some kind of issue with my right knee. *Plays violin dramatically* It just plain hurts periodically, right under the knee cap, and then if I am lying down on my back and happen to bend my legs with my knees up for awhile, it is extremely difficult to straighten out my right leg again without quite a bit of pain.
So.... I can't help but wonder if running is a thing of my past now. Who knows? The stretches could help cure me and in time I might be able to start running again, or.. this may be a permanent issue that I'll just have to live with. Only time will tell.
*Sets violin down*
Back to living life to the fullest. As for my novel, it's really just a shot in the dark right now, but hey, at least I'm shooting I wanted to be part of National Novel Writing Month and go for 50,000K words in one month. Insane, I know, but I wanted to try, even if I didn't make it. And turns out, I'm not going to make it, but that's okay. Life got in the way, and I just didn't have the time. But I am much, much further that I have ever gotten before with writing. Until now, I have never gotten beyond one page, I always seemed to get 'stuck.' With NaNoWriMo, you aren't supposed to go back and critique, you just write. It doesn't matter what your 'novel' looks like at the end, because you can always go back later to edit/delete/etc. But the whole point of it is to get you writing. And it has. We'll see where it takes me. I'll just keep writing beyond the deadline of November 30, maybe even set my own goals for each month. Like, no less than 10,000 words per month, or something like that.
Tonight I really enjoyed putting up the Christmas tree and hanging the ornaments with my DD. It was so much more special this year, with her being 4 years old, instead of 3. She would actually hang the ornaments on the tree, instead of just trying to pull them apart like she did last year. I can't say she didn't try my patience in other ways this year, but that is a child's job. Comes with the territory
I loved her excitement and enthusiasm, and I have to say, she takes after me in the patience department. She has none. She literally could not wait for me to take the ornaments out of the big storage box and unwrap them, so she began doing it herself while I excused myself to relieve my bladder. "Tink, tink, tink," I heard from in the bathroom. I knew that sound, and panicked (well, almost). Thankfully my DH was in there and stopped her before any damage was done. The one ornament that rolled out onto the floor survived. Phew.
When we were finished, we admired our handiwork, and turned off all but one light in the room. Ahhhh.... nice. Not too shabby, if I don't say so myself. Then I sent my DD to get ready for bed, which she did, then came back in her PJs and asked if she could lie on the couch so she could watch the Christmas tree lights. I said Yes, she grabbed the candy cane ornament off the tree, lied down to watch the lights, and promptly fell asleep, candy cane still held tightly. Priceless.
We (mostly I) have decorated the house as well. A snowman on the window and a decorated-myself-wreath on the front door, candy canes lining the walkway, and various decorations throughout the house, including a centerpiece for the kitchen table. It's starting to feel a lot like Christmas.
This is THE earliest I have decorated for Christmas, by the way. My DD's impatience...er... enthusiasm this year prompted me to do it sooner. Last year, she didn't seem to care when I put the tree up, or the decorations. This year she wanted to do it Thanksgiving night! Funny how things can change so much in one year. And knowing how excited she was, I couldn't wait to see the look on her face once we had all the decorations up.
Well, better end this now and get to bed. It's very late.
Last edited by FLSunshineMom; 11-29-2011 at 01:38 AM.
I was so affected by a friend today. I haven't known her long, and already I like her very much. She is so selfless, so giving. When she talked about making gifts for Christmas, and how much time and thought she was obviously putting into it, I was humbled. It was like putting a mirror up to me, so I could see how selfish I have been compared to her. If I had put the same amount of time and thought into the gifts I have bought, I probably could have come up with something awesome to make for everyone. Part of that time would have been spent figuring out what each person really likes, and making a gift accordingly. Makes me want to go ahead and make a little something for everyone anyway, in the short amount of time I have left to do so. It would just be a nice addition to what I've bought them. Hmmm. Will have to think on it some more.
Went to a birthday party today for my nephew. I can't believe he's 19 now. Wow. It was a nice party, and I enjoyed watching my DD love on/fight/play with her 3-yr old cousin. They are so bad... I mean, good... together.
Also found out today from my stepmom that my dad (who has Alzheimer's) will be moved to an assisted living home next week. We knew this was coming, but I still can't believe it's happening. I am so thankful that it is a top notch facility, with nice emminities, and a caring staff. I just hope (and will pray) he does okay there. My stepmom is worried he will be lost without her there. At least she won't be far - she'll be moving back into her old home, which is only 5 minutes away from the ALH.
A funny about my DD: Last night she while she was on the potty, she called for my DH and would not relent until he went in there. He was thinking she might just want him to help her turn the water on or something important like that. But no, she wanted him to smell her poo. Gotta love it.
Tonight I had such a good time with my DD when I was putting her to bed. It started out just kissing her goodnight, and she turned it into a game of "let's see who can blow raspberries on the face the loudest," complete with hysterical giggling. Only a child can make a giggle sound like the purest form of joy.
Tomorrow I'm planning to take my DD to the Christmas parade, but since I'm getting to bed so late, I have my doubts I'll be able to get up early enough, lol. I want to get there early to get a good parking place, and also a good spot to see the parade. We shall see.
Been awhile since I posted. Life has just been so busy, as would be expected for the month of December.
We did make it to the Christmas parade, though barely. It was fun, and we saw a friend from church there and chatted a bit.
My dad is in the assisted living home now, has been for about a week and a half. It was really tough at first, but now that he's settled in more, it's getting easier. There's more to the story, but don't want to take the time to get into it right now. Maybe sometime if I have more time I might write more about it. My brother, me, and my step mom were all there yesterday morning and we had a nice visit with him. This coming Thursday, we're planning to all meet there to have Christmas with him.
I haven't been working on my novel, I need to get back to it. I have so much to write about now. It's just hard to find the time with a very active 4-year old, work, laundry, cleaning, etc., and Christmas-related activities/parties. And now my DD and I are taking Taekwondo, so add that to the list. I am not sure how I will do physically with Taekwondo, I've only joined in with my DD on one class so far. My hips are still not better, and my right knee has actually been getting a bit worse lately. I did do some stretches for a couple of days, but, when they didn't seem to help, I didn't place enough importance on them and forgot about them in my busyness.
This morning my DD painted a stained glass horse for her daddy. She picked it out herself and said she wanted to paint it for him for Christmas. Here it is:
Very fitting that the horse is multi-colored, because it goes right along with my DD's 'colorful' personality.
I can't wait to see DH's face when he opens this special gift from his daughter on Christmas morning.
I also can't wait to see DH's face when he opens a gift that I'm going to make for him. I found a nice picture on my computer of DH and his dad. His dad passed away a little over a year ago, and he misses him terribly. So I'm going to print the picture out on my printer on photo paper, then put it in a nice frame, so that DH can put it on his nightstand, or maybe hang it on the wall in the bedroom. I had been racking my brain trying to come up with a really special gift for DH, and hadn't thought of one until I saw that picture. I think he'll like that gift much more than the polo shirt I bought for him.
Wow, just found out that my dad fell at the ALH and had to go to the hospital and have stitches! He's doing okay, thankfully. I did notice when we were there yesterday that he seemed to have more difficulty walking than usual and almost lost his balance a couple of times. He's been using a cane, but I think it might be time to get him a walker. I'm going to try and go see him again this evening.
I forgot to mention in my last post that my DD is off from school for the next two weeks for Christmas break. It will be so nice to be able to sleep in some in the mornings, and not have to rush out the door! It will also be nice to spend the extra time with her. I'm sure we'll be doing lots of fun things together, one of which will be baking Christmas cookies.
The two-week Christmas break has been so nice. This week, from Monday through today, and ending tomorrow, DH has been on vacation, so I have been 'on vacation' as well. We decided to stay home this time. I've only done the bare minimum in housework this week, and have done a LOT of relaxing. One day this week we all went to a movie, and on another day we went bowling (which was really fun... my DD was throwing the ball overhanded like a baseball, but doing great. We tried to show her how to do it underhanded, but she kept swinging the ball over into the next lane, lol, so we just had her go back to doing it the way she wanted). The other days we've done various things like go out to eat for lunch or dinner, or just sat outside and talked while my DD played.
We decided to do something different this year with opening gifts. Instead of having my DD open all her gifts on Christmas morning, I had the idea to let her start three days prior to Christmas day and have her open two gifts per day for three days, then the rest on Christmas morning. DH agreed. I'm so glad we broke tradition! lol. My DD was able to enjoy and appreciate each gift more. In fact, I could see a real difference in how she reacted to her gifts when she was only opening two at a time, as opposed to Christmas morning when she was opening several. I think next year we might start even sooner so that she only has about two or three left on Christmas morning
In other news, I had a tough day yesterday going to see my dad in the assisted living home. Since my DD has been out of school, I've been taking her with me, but after yesterday, I think I'm going to limit her visits to once a week at the most. For those who don't know, the area they have set up in an assisted living home for those with Alzheimer's isn't much more than a glorified nursing home. Incontinence is a big problem for those with Alzheimer's in the last stages of the disease, and they will also 'go' in unusual places sometimes, too (thankfully not too often), because they will get confused about where the bathroom is, or have hallucinations and think, for example, that a potted plant is the toilet. As a result, they don't have carpeted floors (except in some of the rooms), though they do have some fairly nice furniture for them to sit on in the open area of the hallway where the rooms are, and a few easy chairs in the activity room/dining area.
Anyway, when I was there yesterday, not only were there some issues with my dad, but a couple of the other residents there were having some major issues and it was very painful to watch. My DD didn't understand, and my normally vibrant, high-energy, happy little girl became somewhat subdued. I don't think I've ever seen her like that. When we left, I tried to explain some of the things she was seeing and hearing. She seemed to accept it, for the most part, but I won't be taking her back anytime soon. Once she goes back to school this week, I'll got visit my dad while she's in school. And.. at some point, I won't be taking her at all anymore, because I want her to have happy memories of her grandpa.
I was a mess when I left there yesterday. I had to sit in the van and pull myself together before I could drive. It's so hard seeing what is happening to my dad. It's also hard seeing what some of the other residents go through. I prayed for strength, and thankfully, received it, so I could go on with my life and not sink down in despair. I don't know what I would do without my faith in the Good Lord, Who lightens my burdens, and gives me hope... that one day... "Every tear will be wiped away..."
One thing this whole experience has done to me is make me want to make a 6, 7, or even 8-figure income... in fact, that is my main goal for 2012, to find a way to do it. Write a best-selling novel, start a business, whatever it takes... not so that I can have a fancy house, fancy car, fancy clothes, etc.... but so that I can help make my dad's life easier, and other elderly folk as well. He's in one of the best assisted living homes in this area, but I just feel like something more can be done! And the poor, the forgotten... oh so many things I want to do with the money! One of DH's sisters, who is single, does missionary work, and I would LOVE to be able to help support her in a major way!
Not only that, but if DH and I were to need special care when we get older, I don't want to be stuck with only a few options because we can't afford anything else! DH has told me he doesn't want to ever go into an assisted living home. At first, I felt just the opposite, because I NEVER want to be a burden on my family! But after spending some time at the assisted living home with my dad, I now feel the same way! If at all possible, I don't want to have to go into an ALH or nursing home. Which means if either of us does wind up needing special care, we're going to have to be able to afford 24-hour in-home nursing care! Which is more expensive than going in an an ALH! If my step mom could have afforded it, that's what she would have done! But you need boo-coos of money to do that (and she ain't hurtin too much!). Plus it would need to be a home big enough to accommodate a wheelchair, etc.! Right now we live in a mobile home. Something has to change. So I am putting it to prayer, and with God's help, I will figure out a way to make that kind of income. I don't care what the negative voices in my head keep trying to scream at me, I'm going to IGNORE them and figure out a way to do it. I'll educate myself, do research, whatever.
/emotional rant over
Time to get off here and enjoy the day with my DD and DH. Today is DH's birthday and originally, he had said he wanted to spend the day to himself and I was going to honor that, but it seems he has changed his mind and will be working in his shop today, and might even go with us if we decide to go out to lunch or something. Tonight we're going to set off some fireworks, it will be the first time we've done it. My DD convinced us to buy them this year I doubt it will be at midnight, though. DH and I rarely can last that long anymore in our 'old' age
Last edited by FLSunshineMom; 12-31-2011 at 12:04 PM.