I thought maybe if I organized some of my thoughts, I'd feel better as a person. I have no friends and no one to really talk to beside my husband, but I can't make friends either. My heart just can't do it anymore. Lately, I've been missing my old friends from my single days. Friends who just thought I was a little weird, I wasn't "Julie with the mental disorder". I was just a quirky zany person. I can't be that person anymore. I can't open up to people at all so that makes having a friend hard. And the few times I have, it's bitten me in the rear end, having my illness thrown in my face. Part of me wants to tell no one I have bipolar, but the other part wants them to know that is why I'm a little weird, but then they look at me *different*. I see it in people's faces.
So I've been doing alot of thinking lately and decided to try to love myself more, care what others think of me less, discover my true self, be happy with that, and give my family more of myself emotionally. I've done alot of thinking about my marriage, and how distant I've been from Donnie, and how I really don't like livinjg that way, but if I want change, it has to come from me, because I've spent so much time pushing him away, he's scared to try to touch me or talk to me now. He doesn't know what I want, if he did, I know he'd jump through fire to do it.
He's been great during the time he took off for the baby. I've actually become more attracted to him than I've ever been. I've started to realize there's so much more to a marriage than just keeping it all togetgher, and taking care of kids. There's US. And I want US to be happy and in love, not just *getting by*. We've talked so much and I think I'm more at peace than I've been in a long time. I've always struggled with guilt from doing anything that didn't serve the kids' needs. It's like if it was just for me, or for Donnie and me, it wasn't worthwhile, because the kids should get everything. Don't get me wrong, I love our children, but now I realize that we need time alone together too, and a date once a month does not make us selfish bad parents. 6 months ago I did not want to go out with just him, despite my mom offering to watch the kids. Now I realize that is how we got so distanced,by not putting effort into each other.
I'm also hoping to start writing the book I've always dreamt of writing. Maybe by writing feelings out here, it'll get my juices rolling to be creative with a story.
I also plan on getting into shape, so I can finally feel attractive as a person. For 5 years, I have had little desire to do anything, and it feels good to want to do *something* with myself, besides dishes! LOL
Donnie goes back to work tonight, and I'm a little afraid of being alone again, but I remind myself not to have a pity party, because Im the one who created this situation, and I've also tried to recitfiy it and I just can't. I have someone who's tried to be my friend andI Just can't bring myself to connect to her. She's a great person but I have nothing to say. Nothing I want to talk about. HOw do you have a friendship when one person who doesn't want to speak?!?! Also, she's too sweet, too touchy feely, I can't do that. I can't hug someone and thank them for this and that. I can't share my intimate feelings. I have a hard time even telling people the feelings I had when I had Trinity 3 weeks ago. Sheer terror would be the most accurate term for my feelings the night she was born, I was terrified she was hurt, but no one knows this about me. I just can't say these things. I guess I've been hurt enough by family and supposed friends (well, just 1 supposed friend) that I keep it to myself now. I think that's just the way God made me (To quote Arielle)
Julie, momma to the loves of my life, Arielle Renee (7.1.99), Chandler Rose (1.3.02), and Trinity Arlyne (2.3.04)
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