Missing my baby angels Kassandra and Nevaeh - Page 12
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Thread: Missing my baby angels Kassandra and Nevaeh

  1. #111
    katycat99
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    sorry a bit picture heavy but they are so adorable!!!!!

    These were all done at walmart!!




    some edited ones



    it just makes me so sad that we never got any of him and Kassie done together when she was alive, we just didn't wanna take the chance of him getting her or the other NICU babies ill. He went back up north with my parents when she was 2 1/2 days old.

    Looking at Nick's baby pictures and seeing how much he has changed in the last 2 yrs keep making me wonder, what would Kassandra look like now or when she would be two????

    Why do I dwell on things think this, sometimes I wonder if its normal.

  2. #112
    katycat99
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    Hosted by Sparkle Tags


    Just wanted to wish you all happy 4th today. Happy B-day America!!! That said I just wanted to say that its my baby sisters 18th B-day today!!! I remember when she was first starting to learning American history in school and she came home crying because they told her the fireworks weren't just for her and her b-day!!! lol

    I also wanted to thank the lord for my mom. 18yrs ago my mom had a brain stem aneurysm and almost died a few hours after giving birth. The blood clot started in her legs and traveled up her spine. My grandparents knew something was wrong with her and kept telling the nurses something wasn't right. They said she was fine and the swelling was normal. My Grandma said "look here, I've had 9 kids and this is my 26th grand baby, I know that is not normal!!!!" She demanded to see the doctors. Which they finally agreed to. He saw it and immeaditaly life flighted her out to Rochester (one of the biggest hosp in MN) Had mom not been sent out within the 10min she was she would have died. Mom was in a coma for quite awhile. The Dr. offered us to take life support off because they said "she'll never make it, if she dose she'll be a vegetable (absolutely no movement or communication) her entire life." My Dad and grandparents refused to give up.

    Today mom is alive and well! She's neck down paralyzed but she has her totally mind!!! Heck she's knows more whats going on than I do!!! She even sences things that most people do not. Mom needs help with her daily cares, but she dose have quality of life. We have a medi van to take her where ever she wants, she also has an electric wheel chair. Mom can talk, and you can understand her if you have the patience to listen. She can help feed herself, sign her own checks, brush her teeth, and many more things. Because of PT she has been able to move her right arm pretty good! I'm so proud of my mom. I don't know what I would have done without her all those years. God dose preform miracles!!!!!

  3. #113
    katycat99
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    I think we finally got things straitened out with the stone and picture stuff!!!! I got the pre proof copy in the mail to sign. turns out only 1 of the pictures will work anyways. They just couldn't get the others to edit and crop right to fit the mold. So I guess I don't really have a choice which pick I want. But either way it turned out really nice. They ended up changing the layout to the stone itself because they couldn't get it to fit with an upright photo. I couldn't afford a bigger stone. Its OK though, Its got all the main things I wanted on it, just not in my order. I bet the stone company feels stupid now, lol they already made the stone and were just waiting for the pic, now everything has to be changed, which means re-engraving the whole thing since the photo won't be upright.

    So I just sent in some signatures on the photo, so they are going to be printing the pic out and sending me the actual proof, then as soon as I OK that They can get started!!!! I'm not sure what the granite company is going to be doing with the stone. I hope I get a new one. because I'll be pissed if they just grind it down and re polish it. Its not my fault they wouldn't let me actually talk to the photo company before deciding on the layout for the stone. They probably could have told me from the start which would possibly work. Besides They could have waited to engrave it all. They didn't say anything about me paying for the mistake, but if they do I'm telling them off!! I refuse to pay for it all over again. I'm not sure how long its going to take to finish, but hopefully it won't be too long. I'm a bit disappointed with all of it because next week was when we originally planned to lay it in the ground.

    This is the picture that we are using. The only difference is that it is cropped with an oval shape horizontally. All you will really see is her face, hat and the Winne the Pooh backround

  4. #114
    katycat99
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    grrr people can be so forgetful, I know I am sometimes but not over and over again. I had someone walk up to me the other day and say, my your youngest is getting big to fast, then 10 seconds later say oops your youngest died, that must be your oldest.

    today my ex landlord said " I heard about your baby" You know I'm used to that I hear it all the time, but good grief this is the 4 or 5th time she has said that exact same phrase to me. What the heck dose she want out of me, a different response??? Dose she want my story? If so she should ask, and I will tell. But personally I think she is just that forgetful. Each time I say "it was very hard and I miss her so much, I would not wish that on anyone, but we are getting through it" then I change the attention to Nick So I am at a loss on what else to say.

  5. #115
    katycat99
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    I lost it again today, I totally let myself go.
    It acually felt really good afterwards.

  6. #116
    katycat99
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    I guess I really don't know what to say, I just really need to validate my feeling for a minute. So many mixed emotions today I just don't know what to think about myself or feel. I just need to write it out.

    The 1st part of my day was a horrible fight. I guess my anger and stress came over me. No matter how I tried to stay OK with myself and stay calm. I just couldn't I couldn't control my feelings no longer. I'm supposed to be so strong, but I'm not just really good at hiding it all. The last part of this stage was confusion, and worry some.

    The 2nd part of my day was so sad. I cried a ton, but some how snapped out of it. Why am I not me any more, when will I be OK again. I sure do odd things. But its part of my process to get trough all of it. Others just don't understand and its weird so I keep it to myself. When I need support, IRL it comes from places I'm not comfortable with and can't really handle it, the place where I really need it, I feel like its not there.

    The 3rd part of my day seemed great, with hidden thoughts of my own. I managed to over come all of them and have a good time. It really is a good thing there are distractions in life. Without them, I'd be lost. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have a good time. Other times I feel like, how can I let myself have a good time. I do always get through these deep thoughts. I may not be proud, but I am who I am.

    now I feel at loss about some stuff, I'm just so sick of these mixed emotions all the time. I just wanna to get it all over with but I cannot. Maybe I cried to much durring the middle of my day, and now I can't.

    I'm so lost and embarrassed about who I am currently.

  7. #117
    katycat99
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    This song has really spoke to me

    Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
    You were growing, what happened dear?
    You disappeared on us baby…baby..
    Heaven will hold you before we do
    Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
    Until we’re home with you…

    Miss you everyday
    Miss you in every way
    But we know there’s a
    day when we will hold you
    We will hold you
    You’ll kiss our tears away
    When we’re home to stay
    Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
    We will see you
    But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
    ‘till mom and dad can hold you…
    You’ll just have heaven before we do
    You’ll just have heaven before we do

    Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
    understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
    We are hurting
    But there is healing
    And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
    And in knowing-
    That all things work together for our good
    And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
    Just like He said He would…

    BRIDGE:
    I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
    and what they must sound like
    But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
    And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…


    You can hear it here, http://heavenslullaby.com/glorybaby.wav

  8. #118
    katycat99
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    just wanted to check in with you all! I hope everyone is OK. I feel terrible that I haven't been around lately. I'm been super busy with birthday parties to attend to(seems like one every week) , mom and dad's anniversary, my rummage sale, tons of work and billing, Nick's big 2nd birthday party (over 30 people) and the list goes on and on. I hate being busy, but I'm sure its a good thing for me. I really do have a hard time staying way from message boards, you girls are so addicting!! Anyways Andy's still loving his job, and I think he's finally OK. Me on the other hand, I'm still working on it. I really do have my days where I'm OK, then other days aren't so good.

    Oh, I just got a tooth pulled yeasterday, I'll update about that in my TTC journal.

  9. #119
    katycat99
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    I found this in my e-box, It sort of made me cry, but also gave me some peace.

    Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating
    >
    >Room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right?
    >When can I see him?"
    >The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't
    >Make it."
    >Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any
    >More? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"
    >The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son?
    >One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported
    >To the university."
    >Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good-bye to son.
    >She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair.
    >"Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked.
    >Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a
    >plastic
    >Bag and handed it to Sally. The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea
    >To donate his body to the university for study. He said it might help
    >somebody
    >Else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using
    >It after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more
    >Day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold.
    >Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he
    >could."
    >Sally walked out of Children's mercy Hospital for the last time, after
    >Spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's
    >
    >Belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was
    >difficult.
    >It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's
    >belongings,
    >And the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She
    >started
    >Placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room
    >exactly
    >Where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging
    >
    >His pillow, cried herself to sleep.
    >It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her o n the bed
    >Was a folded letter. The letter said:
    >"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I
    >Will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to
    >Say I LOVE YOU. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day.
    >Someday
    >We will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little
    >Boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room
    >And old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead,
    >she
    >Probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy
    >her
    >Dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me.
    >This
    >Really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here
    >
    >And showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see
    >everything.
    >The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what?
    >Jesus
    >Doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it
    >was
    >Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what! , Mom? I got to
    >Sit on God's! Knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important.
    >That's
    >When I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you
    >good-bye
    >And everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know
    >What Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you
    >
    >This letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to
    >drop
    >This letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of
    >
    >The questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' "God
    >Said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the
    >Cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.
    >Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you.
    >To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool?
    >I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more
    >names
    >In the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for
    >supper.
    >I'm, sure the food will be great.
    >Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. T he cancer is
    >all
    >Gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God
    >couldn't
    >Stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of
    >Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about
    >
    >That?
    >Signed with Love from: God, Jesus &Me.

  10. #120
    katycat99
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    I dream of Kassie alot, most of the time I dream about how happy she is, and seeing her in the sunshine and clouds, seeing what heaven may look like. Every now and then I dream of what my life would be like had she still been alive. Usually its a good life, hardly ever scary. Last nights dream was much different, I just don't know what to think of it. I'm so confused.

    I don't remember all of it, but basically Kassie was very very tiny, smaller than she was IRL. She got to come home with us, we were at my grandma's house for Xmas or Easter. I took care of her, tried to feed her, but I really didn't have any of the special stuff to feed her. In the dream she got a little smaller. I remember seeing her so sick, but how hard she was fighting to stay alive. Then I went to get some tylenol, and clothes or something for her and when I came back she was gone, she wasn't where I put her. She was lost and no one knew. I freaked out throwing everything around looking for her. I felt like She was dying all over again, and there was nothing I could do for her, because she was no where to be found. She was dying all by herself. :cry :cry :cry

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