Missing my baby angels Kassandra and Nevaeh - Page 20
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Thread: Missing my baby angels Kassandra and Nevaeh

  1. #191
    katycat99
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    Tonight I reread my TTC and Pregnancy journal's for Neveah. It was so sad. I printed it all out to place in her book.

    I thought about printing out this journal to put in a 3 ring binder, but it was 177 pages! It's like a book. I think I'll save that for a rainy day. lol

  2. #192
    katycat99
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    I heard this song on the raido on the way to work this am. It really touched my heart.

    Martina McBride - Anyway Lyrics

    You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
    One storm can come and blow it all away
    Build it anyway
    You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
    Dream it anyway

    Chorus:
    God is great, but sometimes life ain?t good
    And when I pray it doesn?t always turn out like I think it should
    But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

    This world?s gone crazy and it?s hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
    Believe it anyway
    You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
    Love ?em anyway

    Repeat Chorus

    You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they?ll forget you ever sang
    Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

    I sing, I dream, I love, anyway,
    Although I don't have the speakers on right now I belive that this link actually lets you listen to the song. http://www.hit-country-music-lyrics....ay-Lyrics.html

    Also This next song is one I heard around Christmas time but never got around to sharing. It reminds me so much of when my nephew and his sisters stayed with us right before their mom passed away. He was 8 at the time, and we went out shopping for something to get his mom. He has such a golden heart, and so do the girls. They got that from their mom, she didn't have much $ but had a huge heart. Its been 3 1/2 yrs now and I still get wet eyes just thinking about it all. Those kids have been through so much, please say a prayer for them. Through all that they kept their hope, strengh and innacence, they tought me alot.

    http://www.angelfire.com/ma4/sweetsx...tmasShoes.html

    Newsong
    The Christmas Shoes

    It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
    Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
    Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
    Pacing 'round like little boys do
    And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

    His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
    And when it came his time to pay
    I couldn't believe what I heard him say

    Chorus:
    Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
    It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
    Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
    You see she's been sick for quite a while
    And I know these shoes would make her smile
    And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

    He counted pennies for what seemed like years
    Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
    He searched his pockets frantically
    Then he turned and he looked at me
    He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
    Though most years she just did without
    Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
    Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes

    So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
    I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
    Mama's gonna look so great

    Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
    It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
    Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
    You see she's been sick for quite a while
    And I know these shoes would make her smile
    And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

    Bridge:
    I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
    As he thanked me and ran out
    I knew that God had sent that little boy
    To remind me just what Christmas is all about

    Repeat Chorus

  3. #193
    katycat99
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    http://www.beyondindigo.com/candles/index.php/search/K

    I lit a candle for the girls tonight. I miss them so much.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Thinking about Janel and family tonight, I feel so bad. Why dose this stuff keep happening. Its just not fair. Saying a prayer for thier family

  4. #194
    katycat99
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    well AF showed up on Jan 10th. And wow was she late this time! CD #1 was on Nov 29th. I had tested quite a few times. One test had a very very faint line, but the next day it was gone. 2weeks ago I had alot of pain, I'm wondering if it was a cyst that may have ruptured. I also wonder if I was pregnant and had an early loss. I worried about that alot the few days. I know there's no real way to tell. But according to studies 50% of fertilized embryo's and up in m/c and alot of people don't know it. That would explain such a late AF.

    I myself don't even know if we're currently TTC. After Neveah we figured we'd leave it up to god, no timing or preventing involved. During DH's work issues in Dec. We decided that we should start preventing. We were wanting but waiting. The thing is that we were in the middle of my cycle at the time, so there was always that chance that we may have already conceived. Which was fine with us. With the uncertainties of DH's job we wanted to hold off for a bit. Well DH worked everything out and went back to work in Jan. So now we have to decided if we're going to go back on our decision or not. Truthfully there's nothing I want more than to have another baby and pray all turns out fine. But I'm terrified of losing another one. What would happen to our family, can we handle another loss. People tell me all the time how strong we are to go through all of this, but what choice did we have? besides living recklessly or taking your life, I doubt one could die from just a broken heart. But what if there is a breaking point? I never ever want to go there. My son was there for me, and I want to be there for him as long as I can. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about taking my life after Kassandra, but its something I thought about but I wouldn't actually do it. Even though I lost alot, there was still so much that I had, and I had to keep all that. I have my family to think about, what would it do to them, more loss, why would I want to hurt them more? Ans Nick, oh my pride and joy, there was NO way I could hurt him in such a horrible way. I couldn't turn my back on them. Also I have faith in god, that in the end thinks will be OK. My personal belief on suicide is that one who takes they're own life in such and evil way would never be allowed in the gates of heaven. I feel your soul and your body are 2 different things in one and suicide is murder to your body. If I'm not to go to heaven I believe I'll never see Kassandra again. Meeting her in heaven is how I get through my days. I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I'm far from it. I just live my life day by day doing what I believing in.

    This genetic stuff is really throwing me on such a loop hole. I really want to know, but in a way I just want to move on. I'm unsure what reaction I'll get if the test shows a positive. We cannot afford adoption or IVF, but yet we want children and Andy specifically want more children of biologically. What would our chances be, would it cause us to change our mind. Knowing I'm fertile and we've had a healthy baby has really kept me going and it had helped me move on one inch. But how could I knowingly cause harm to our future children. I'm just so unsure of what to think. Looking back through the years when they didn't have tests and such, our ancestors made it through everything fine. Can we too? Sometime knowledge is a good thing, but I worry if too much can do one's mind more harm then good. I'm just so confused. I have equal pros and con's on each side. I feel torn.

  5. #195
    katycat99
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  6. #196
    katycat99
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    Songs songs songs Oh MY!! Here's a link I found with a Ton of sweet songs dedicated to our angels.

    http://www.ourlilangel.com/jukebox.htm

    My Name~ This reminds me of Nevaeh
    Gone to soon~ So sweet, for Kassandra
    Streets of heaven~ another for Kassandra
    ~Who you'd be today~ For both my girls

    If you came back from heaven~ One more Day~ Waiting for You

    And many more....

  7. #197
    katycat99
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    Nick often picks up Kassandra's picture and kisses and says "my baby sister Kassie, I love her" But Last night he picked it up and he said "Kassie has an owie, I'll kiss it" then he asked "is baby in the naughty room? my heart just broke. Andy and I tried so hard not to cry and to explain to him that she's Ok now and is in heaven. Then he asked why

    Since we found out about the birth defects we've always been very open to him but putting it in toddler context. (which is very hard to do) She's apart of our lives and I'm not ashamed to have her pictures and stuff around the house. I don't want to hide her. But to see my 2 1/2yr not really understanding all of it, that hurts too. To see him feel bad hurts me even worse. I know what we decided was for the best for us, but was it for him? Maybe we should have waited till he was older. We just didn't want it to be a big shock to him as he grows older. How am I to prepare for these queastions?

  8. #198
    katycat99
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    ugg, I feel like I got hit by a mac truck. I think I have a sinus infection. Worked sucked today, I took the day off tomorrow!

    I did talk to my midwife about the genetic stuff and Kassandra, she referred me back to the MN perinatal physicians again. I got the # but had a horrible day at work so I'll call it tomorrow. We figure they didn't save any of the fluid, but it couldn't hurt to ask. I'm going to find out WHY the Dr. didn't ask us to pursue the testing after the negative chromosomal testing. Right now we are "thinking of conceiving" but need to get any qeastions out of the way before we pursue again.

    Last night I ran into a friend and she asked me if we buried another baby girl next to Kassandra. I said yes. We hugged, and talked about miscarriages. She asked me if my body just can't take girls She had heard it from some other people. I knew that people we're saying that, I've heard it before. I tried explaining that we weren't 100% sure this one was a girl. I also told her of what research has shown, about the rate of m/c and that a lot of people ,/c and don't even know they were pregnant. Then this other girl piped in and said "I knew the second I was pregnant with all my kids" and "thats not true you'd know if yr baby died or you were having a miscarriage. :angry:

    Anyways the friend I was talking to to begin with, said she doesn't know how I do it. She'd be in a mental institution if it happened to her. I said I have my good days and bad days, I look to god on the bad ones. I also focus on what we had and not what was lost. Just take it one day at a time......

    I g2g Nick just started asking me about his baby sister again
    "I love my sister, "mommy is she hurt, is she crying"

  9. #199
    katycat99
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    I just talked to one of the genetic counselors, she did say sometimes they do freeze the fluid, but usually throw it out after 1yr. She referred me to the councilor I talked to at my 1st appt. She's out of town so I'll have to wait till next week. In the mean time she's checking with the lab to see if thy have anything stored (I'll find that out today) and is going to send me a release of information for children's to give them a copy of Kassandra's records there. She said she can't believe that they never told us that they could have done more testing on genetics with an autopsy. We declined the autopsy becasue we knew what she died from, but never thought there was other syndromes they could have tested for.

    Please pray that they saved the fluid!!!! I'm hoping we get some answers.

  10. #200
    katycat99
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    sadly they didn't save any. I knew it would be unlikely that they had kept it for over a yr, but I found out that they never saved any to begin with.

    They are going to go ahead and pull all records for Kassandra and I. Then the GC will call me up and we'll decide on what we plan on doing next.

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