Happy Saint Patrick's Day...Grrr I'm sick of hearing this. I'm beginning to hate all holidays. Whats so damn happy about it??? I'm not going to be wearing green today, I suppose I'd better put Nick in green though for him, its not his fault I'm depressed. I wonder if he's actually has anything green?
Hey Kassandra, how are you today, I don't suppose they celebrate holidays in heaven, do they? If you were hear with me I'd dress you up like a clover for you would have been my good luck charm. I miss you so much baby, I hope you know that. I started a project for you, I can't wait till its done. You and me together could have done great things, now I have to try to do them on my own, for you sweetie. Last night I was thinking about you again, wondering how big you would be, I took out your little clothes and prayed that I could dress you again. It is so hard knowing I only got to dress you one time. As you know I got a duplicate of the out fit your auntie Sarah bought you for Xmas, the one I dressed you in. I look at it all the time thinking, by now it wouldn't of fit you anymore if you had lived. Well Nick is crying right now So I go to go. Please watch over us today as we travel to see the councilor. Love and miss you so much sweetie Love MOM
Something bad happened tonight. I don't want to talk about it. I just am so confused and outstanded on why this has to be.
Kassandra I know you love me, and I love you too. Goodnight sweet little Angel, sleep well. Its Ok. I promise. "Jesus loves the little children... Jesus loves me this I Know for the bible tells me so....Love your Mommy
When I was down at my lowest, I heard this song on a radio station that I rarely listen too. I just happen to be scanning and it came up. I Felt something telling me to listen to it, so I did... I'm doing much better now. I think I'm going to come here and read this every time I get down.
Cry Out To Jesus
Words by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering
When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2005 01:11 PM, CST
Katie's going in for a c-section tonight
This is Katie's sister Sarah. I need to make this short since we are also getting ready to leave for Minneapolis. She is at the hospital and they have decided to give her a c-section as soon as Andy gets there, which will probably be around 8pm tonight (CST). Kassandra's heart rate isn't doing as well as they hoped and same with her breathing. Please send PT&P for her.
So anyways, my aunt took me to the hospital and I got all checked in. Had all the routine checks again which took over an hour. The peri came in and said that Kassandra was going down hill and they wanted to deliver her. They told me my best chance to have a min with her was to have c-section, they did however make darn sure that I knew the C was an elective, and if it was up to them we'd do a vaginal deliver. They did check my cervix and I wasn't effacing or dilating yet, so they'd have to induce right away. They didn't think she'd live once she was born, so the risks from me on the C were high with out nothing to show from it. I didn't care I knew in my heart that a c-section was her best chance at life. They wanted to do it really soon, they did however tell me they'd wait till Andy got there. I was relieved. I called everyone up to let them know I was delivering soon. Andy was on his way. I sure he was frightened. I tried to get some sleep but people kept calling, I wanted to rest so I'd be alert when she was born. Ever time they came in and checked my strip I was terrified they had to deliver right away, I was scared something would happen and Andy wouldn't make it for her birth.
Finally Andy arrived. By then I was already prepped and ready to go. The Dr.s were waiting. Andy had to change into scrubs, he looked so different!! They sent me in first and said they'd bring him in a bit. They did the spinal block and catheter. I keep thinking please don't hit my spine and paralyze me. I couldn't believe it, they started cutting before Andy arrived I was freaking out and yelling for him. I wondered where he was. He made it. The room stunk really bad, it made me nauseous. It smelt like burn hair or something. I was having a hard time breathing, they upped the O2 a bit. I started to gag and almost choked on the nasty stomach prep they had given me earlier. Andy was right at my side. Soon they said she's almost out. All of a sudden we had two cries!! We both had tears in our eyes, she was Alive!!!!!! We thought she'd never be able to cry but she did! I knew there was hope, I knew I'd be able to hold her alive!! They never let me see her though, they whisked her off to the next room. Andy said she had hair and looked like Nick! There was a window in between the rooms, so Andy took pictures and kept checking on both of us and telling me what was going on. I was surprise when they were done stapling me up, originally they told us they'd be done with her 1st. They were having problems getting the umbilical lines in. They sent me recovery and promised that they'd let me see her when they brought her to the NICU. They sent me to recovery. My parents and siblings were there!! I was so happy to see them, they even brought Nick with.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2005 08:54 PM, CST
Kassandra is here!
Welcome to the world Kassandra!
Kassandra was born at 7:29pm tonight. We got to the hospital right in time and we were able to see her as she went to the elevator to the NICU. She's beautiful!!! She weighed around 3 lbs 12 oz. Her agar scores were both 8! She did cry as she was born, but was a little purple. Her color looked good when we saw her and she's now on oxygen. They are doing all the tests on her heart right now. We haven't seen Katie yet as she's still recovering. It's awesome to have Internet access in the family waiting room so I could give you all an update! Merry Christmas to Katie and you all!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2005 10:02 PM, CST
I was just in to see Katie. She's doing well (other than starving!) and will be going over to the Children's Hospital soon to see Kassandra. I'll keep updating as I have time. Katie said that the doctors didn't think that she'd make it through the delivery, but she's a fighter!
Here's a ton of Pictures with little stories by most of them.
Kassandra 1min old Xmas eve
I'm in recovery, shaking beyond belief. My legs were still numb. I was holding a picture of Nick, waiting to meet Kassandra for the 1st time (it was taking them longer than expected to stabilize her for transfer to the NICU) And hoping to see Nick really soon!
Kassandra on the way to the NICU. This is the 1st time I got to see her!! She was on her tummy and naked! I hope she messed for them on the way there!! I was a 10 min walk through an underground tunnel, made in 5min. Andy said he could hardly keep up with the Nurses on the way there. I just wanted to get out of recover so I could meet them there! They said I couldn't go till I could move my legs, I tried so hard!! I also was starving and begging for food but they wouldn't give me anything:bite
Andy took these pictures of Kassandra in the Nicu, I think she was 1hr old
Here's pictures of Kassandra at 1 1/2 hour old. I finally got to go to the NICU. I only got to spend a little while there. They rambled on about the rules and what to expect but I really wasn't listening...LOL I WAS IN TOTAL AWWW... I also had a really hard time touching her because I was still in the bed. I hadn't even gone to my room yet at this time. I was very tired. But really didn't want to leave her. That's Sarah's hands in the picture with Kassie. At this time when when My two sisters, mom and aunt took turns going in to visit Kassandra. Andy had taken my BIL Aaron, my brother and my dad to meet her a few min earlier or later. (I really don't remember LOL) There was a 4 person limit at her bedside. Nick only got to meet his sister a few seconds when they passed the family room on the way to the NICU. I wish I could have been there for that. I'm a bit sad we have no pictures of them two together. Andy didn't want to take the chance of having Nick in the NICU, we didn't want him getting any of the babies sick.
Here's two more pic of me at the NICU, The 1st one I was so happy they finally gave something to eat!! only ice though but it was a step closer to the steak I wanted!! LOL (I never did get that...:giggle) The 2nd one is me and my Nurse, she was so nice!! I was kind of sad when they moved me to another station after visiting Kassandra, I never saw that nurse again.
Ok are you all ready for Xmas day photo's?? I some but Sarah is going to have to send me the rest.
Here's me finally eating!!!!! It had been a day and a half with no food!!!
Ok I'm sure you don't want to see any more of me, so I'll show you lots more of Kassandra!!!!
Here's Sarah (sarahdawn) with Kassandra, I'm so glad Kassie got to meet 2 of her 6 aunties, and one great aunt made it there. She meet her aunti Karen in heaven. I feel so bad for the other aunties and family that never got to meet her. Oh my, I just realized that we never got any pictures of her with her unckles Josh and Aaron. I can't belive we don't even have a piture of her with my parents that were able to make it there.
Here's some more pictures of her. Kassandra had a hyperextended left leg due to positioning in the womb. She got it stuck under her chin one day and she was too weak to get it unstuck. After being positioned like that the cartridge grew and muscle stayed like that. It was a unforseen but fixable condition, and tends to happen in weak babies. It didn't hurt her at all, and if you moved it she'd move it right back where she had it. We had no idea that this had happened till she was born. I never even noticed it till the nurses told me the 2nd time I saw her.
It was an intresting task for me to try changing her diaper with it and all her tubes and wires. She was so patient with me, it took me like 15min+ to change her and check her butt temp. She never fussed very much only when the nurses did it, because some of them were fast and didn't always warm the wipes up to the temp she liked.
Here are some pictures of Kassandra with aunti Jenny.
Here is some "mommy and me" pics!!! I just realized we don't have manny pictures of "daddy and me" We kindof took turns going to the NICU so someone was there with her most of the time. Except the last day when we both were by her side the majority of the time, only to leave for the bathroom or to the chapel to pray.
Here's one that was sarah's idea to take! I'm glad she suggested it, now I can remember how little Kassie was. She had Mommys feet and daddys hands. She had my family's nose, and Andy's family's mouth. I think every day she changed a bit.
Here's one on the 26th of December. Thats the only picture we took that day because she had a ton of x-rays and echo's and was getting really stressed out by all the stimulization. After that picture she got moved to her own room, then seemed to calm down a bit. That was the first time we almost lost her. It was scarry, they weren't sure if they should move her. But it wasn't that far and was really her only chance. I think they were also preparing to tell us that they couldn't do the surgery and at this point I belive the Dr. knew she wasn't going to make it. We however still had hope.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2005 04:00 PM, EST
Hi all! Thanks so much for the hugs and prayers! They are working, Kassandra is doing great! She's so sweet. What a fighter! I don't have much time to post but will let you know more tomorrow! Kassandra is on a ventilator, but it is figured she can breath on her own! Its for a precautionary measure due to one of her heart med's. Her heart rate has been fluctuating but she is stable. Tomorrow she will be seeing 7 cardiologists and a surgeon! They will have a discussion on what will be the best treatment for her heart. She has her very own nurses at her bedside 24hrs per day! They are taking great care of her. Andy got settled into the Ronald McDonald house last night. I'm doing fine the C-section was weired but not as bad as I thought it would be. I have some pain but am up and moving around, I also have been pumping for when she gets to start eating, If all goes well by the end of the week, they want to make sure her intestines can handle it first. TTYL Katie
Here the pictures from the 27th. This is taken in her own private room
Katie called me today. Kassandra had been doing very well, but she took a turn for the worse today. Her heart rate has been increasing every time she is being checked by the doctors and it hasn't been decreasing afterwards. Last night her little heart was beating at 177 beats/minute. They can't do surgery until she's stable. I haven't heard any updates since about 11:30 this morning but will keep you posted. Please send PT&Ps for her.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2005 07:55 PM, CST
Update on Kassandra
I just spoke to Katie and she wanted me to update you all on Kassandra. She is stable and has been moved to her own private room where she seems to be doing better. Her heart rate is still above normal but does go down a few bpm when mom and dad are nearby
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2005 10:02 PM, CST
Late last night Kassandra had a really bad night, we almost lost her once. But she's a fighter. We stayed with her most of the night and comforted her. They had maxed out on meds, O2, and all other comfort measures. It was up to her, to decide on what was next. She chose to stay with us! at 2am she started getting better and was doing excelent by 7am. at 9 they resumed her testing and she started stressing again but remained in fair condition. This evening she was starting to lose her o2 saturation again so they maxed out on vent air again but now they weaned it down a bit. She was in good condition when we left the NICU tonight. Hopefully she will stay stable till morning.
Last Night I only got 2hrs of sleep and a few the night before. I'm so tired that I keep falling asleep while pumping. I've spilled 2xs. My milk came in tonight! It was rough the first few days to find the time and energy to do it but we did! Wendy and Sarah gave good advice! THANKS you two! My Insurance is renting a hosp grade pump for me! It really helps. Kassandra hasn't had any of mamma's milk yet but I'm hoping by the end of the week they will try it on her.
If you were wondering we haven't gotten to hold her yet because it most likely would over stress her. She gets really stressed is even the smallest stimulation. We do talk to her and touch her softly frequently. She has now started to peek her eyes at us! every 4hrs the nurse let me do part of her cares. I do the diaper changing, mouth swabbing, temp check and help turn her on her side. Andy is usually busy ordering the nurses around and demanding answers to our questions! Its so cute how he gets with them!
BTW in all the confusion I forgot to update you on this...
SHE DOSEN'T DANDY WALKER SYNDROME!! HER BRAIN LOOKS FINE!!
Today I was discharged from the hosp, I'm now at the Ronald McDonald house. Its great here, I'll update you all on that later! I'm going to bed now! Night! Keep sending prays! Katie
Ok here's the the only one we have for the 28th, The night before I was in her room with her holding her hand all night, (I didn't even leave to pump, I just pumped right next to her). I never though once to take any pictures. Kassandra had a tough night on the 27th but all it took was her daddy to come in and hold her had too! She wanted both of us there together that night!! I remembering going to the chapel, I cried so much, I begged, pleaded and prayed for more time with her. I screamed, people must of thought I was going nuts because they sent in a security officer in there. He just asked if I was OK and left right away. I remember telling God to take me instead. I did come to the point that if he had to take her, she needed to be baptised, and we had to hold her. I wanted to make sure her journey to heaven was peaceful.
On the 28th I got discharged from the hospital so I missed the larger part of the afternoon getting my pills, bathed, and getting settled in the Ronald McDonald house. I at a free hot and very tasty supper there and went back to the hospital to say goodnight to Kassandra. I was so tired I feel asleep on the 5min drive to our room. I woke up numerous times to pump and call the hospital. But I still felt relaxed at the place. Thank goodness the Ronald house was there, they really made me feel a little bit more comfortable, so I could get the last of my rest.
Sorry The pic wouldn't upload, I'll try to fix it later.
On the 29th I woke up at 7am and called the hosp to see how she was doing and if I should come up there, they assured me she was fine and to get a bit more sleep. So I pumped and laid down again but didn't sleep. I waited for Andy to wake up to take me there. Then the hops called at 8:30 and said we needed to come up there right away. I freaked out and screamed at Andy to get up. We were dressed and out the door in less than 3min. We got up to the hosp and they told us that she could go at any time, they wanted us to hold her before she went. We were terrified and still had hope for her, I was also scared that if one of us held her 1st she's pass away before the other one of us got a chance to hold her. We finally agreed to hold her together but with the blankets and sheepskin under her for support. We didn't want to move her much and stress her out. Here are the pictures from that day. They are really dark because the light would bother her so we kept it on dim.
This is her cozy picture! She loos just like Nick in it. Everyone loved her blanket we bought her, it was pink plush with a decal of Winnie the pooh holding piglet's hand and walking away. (that to me is like an angel guiding Kassandra home) that blanket we buried her in.
Thought that day we stayed with her, only to leave to got to the bathroom. We held her hands and I sang "Jesus loves me" and "Jesus love the little children" many times to her, we talked so much my throat hurt.
This blanket was her Xmas present from auntie Jenny (we are going to use parts of it to make a bear to take our family photo with)
These are "so pretty pictures" The nurses had her all dolled up when we got there, I just loved the bow!! That was one of the many things we saved from the NICU. They used a dab of aquifer() cream to hold it in place. I guess that stuff is good for lots of things not just butt cream, lol
In some of these pictures she's trying so hard to open her eyes. The Nurses told us that they'd never seen a baby with such low O2 stats open their eyes. I think the stats were around 40's% at this time?
Here's a few of her room. The last one has Andy reading her chart(it was thick!!) The nurses keep hounding us to ask questions about it. The last day the alarms would go off every two minutes and one time we shut it off ourselves and we got yelled at.. oops we knew we weren't supposed to touch it but man it really was annoying(I can imaging how Kassie felt listening to that too), especially since the nurse wasn't there for a min to shut it off.
That evening she was getting worse, to the point that her liver was greatly enlarged, her kidneys were shutting down, and we knew she wasn't going to come out of this down. We decided that we should hold her for real, as she passed on her own. I felt that instead of doing things for her we began to do things to her instead, and I just couldn't do that to my little girl. The nurses urged us to take her off the vent but we couldn't. We decided to do things on our own terms. We had them call the Chaplin to baptise her. I prayed he's make it there in time. We told them to take her off the medication so it would be easier to transfer her to my arms, (we had many troubles in the NICU with her umbilical lines, and I didn't want to hurt her any more) They handed her to me, I cried thinking now she was going to go, but something strange happened. She just opened her eyes wider than ever before, she reached her little arms toward us. Her stats went to what a healthy babies Sat's would be, she never had that good of stats ever!! We were so confused, had we made the wrong choice? We need to talk to the specialist, in the mean time I ordered that she be given her IV food/water but no meds(at least till we got things figured out. Andy told the Dr's that something was playing with our emotions, he was crying. This is what we prayed for a miracle. I held her for another hour while the Dr. and Andy were arguing. I really didn't listen, I just peered into her eyes. I now understand what was happening, god was giving us a sweet memory of her, something we'll never forget, and my grandma helped me come to realise that at this time Kassandra was transforming into an angel.
Here are the sweet pictures!!!
I have a few more I want to share, but I can't right at the moment.