Missing my baby angels Kassandra and Nevaeh - Page 6
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Thread: Missing my baby angels Kassandra and Nevaeh

  1. #51
    katycat99
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    back to the story again

    12/30/05 5:24am
    we made it home it took a few extra hours but we're here. DH really wanted to get out of the cities and come home. Tomorrow we will be making funeral arrangements. This is so hard.


    Planning her funeral was so hard, we wanted everything to be perfect. We had never planned on before and had no idea what to expect. Cost was also a factor, we wanted everything to be the best but couldn't afford it all. I went to SS to see if we could get some help, beings that at the time we were not working. They helped out with the coffin, that was nice. We didn't get a choice on which one or which color, but it was a small white coffin.

    1/1/06 10:26 pm
    Yesterday we went to the funeral home to make arraignments. Andy and I had many conversations about it the night before so we were a little prepared for the meeting. We picked out the hymes and special songs that will be played. We are also going to have my midwife read the story that Andy and I wrote about Kassandra's life. I found a really nice poem for her folder. The obituary is finished, and the rest of the details are being ironed out. Andy went to map out the grave site today. We will be able to bury her even though its winter. They will put a heater on the ground to thaw it out a bit. The hardest part was to see the tiny casket. It all came realistic then.

    Kassandra's body was transported here yesterday. It was a relief to hear it arrived safely. When I went to the funeral home to tie up some loose ends, I had to identify the possessions she had with her.(After Kassandra passed away I got to give her a bath and dress her) Apparently after they embalmed her they didn't get her dressed again and sent her clothes and blankets separately. It wasn't to hard to see the clothes but it was sad to know she was just lying in there with out her clothes and blanket. They even took her diaper off.

    We are having a family viewing tomorrow at 2pm at the funeral home. The funeral will be Wednesday at 2pm at Hope Lutheran Church.

    All we have left to do is to get flowers and to make up a board for her. I'm putting my posts and updates of our journey on it along with all of MV hugs and thoughts. Wendy is helping me with this. I have pictures of her for it and also her baptismal stuff. A tiny diaper and a hair bow that her nurses had on her the last day. We also have a set of her hand and footprints to hang up on it.


    Mann all that was so hard, and in such a short amount of time. The day I went to identify her possessions was awful, I wanted to see her so bad but knew they wouldn't let me, especially if she had no clothes on.

    The viewing was bittersweet. I was so happy to see her again, I was so paranoid they got her mixed up with another baby. The funeral director told me that this may be the last time I can see her. He said that the embolment process doesn't always take well to babies and that she might not last till the funeral. We were also told this before they brought her home, I was so worried we couldn't see her again. I'm glad she lasted another few days till the viewing. I really wanted our family to meet her since a lot of them never had the chance. She was dressed in her pink gown that we put on her at the NICU, she had a pink hat on, and was wrapped in her pink plush blanky, she looked so small. We had a bear, tiny book, and an angel in the casket with her. Andy did not go to it, he wanted to remember her the was she was alive, at first I was upset with him but then I understood. I took Nick along with me. Its was mentally and physically (due to the c-section) painful. I just stood there with her the whole time while others came and looked and offered their condolences. I don't remember a thing what anyone said, I was just thinking of Kassandra and how this may be the last time I ever see her body. I decided to take her hat off her head because in the NICU she never really wore one and I wanted to see her hair. She was so cold, it hurt so bad. It was just awful because the hat left ribs on her forehead and her hair was so messed up. I had spent a long time washing and combing her hair the way I wanted it before I left the NICU. When it was time to go I felt like I should kiss her goodbye again, but I didn't. I had already done it in the NICU before we left, I couldn't do it because she was so cold and dark in color. I did however hold her hand and then kissed my finger to touch her goodbye.

  2. #52
    katycat99
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    These are the songs we had at Kassandra's funeral. "sleepy eyes, and wordless ones" from the CD sleep sound in Jesus by Michael Card, "I can only Imagain by Mercy me" And "I'm Alive by Gayla Earlene"
    We also sang the hymn Borning Cry"

    SLEEPY EYES
    Sleepy eyes
    Baby cries
    Your too small to wonder why
    Wrap the band of slumber
    'Round your sleepy eyes
    Sleepy eyes
    tird sighs
    Yawing as the daylight dies
    Sleep won't dim the dawn
    Inside those sleepy eyes
    Won't you ceace
    And just release
    And stop this hopless fighting please
    Sleepy eyes
    You disguise
    Cannot fool me with its lies
    Let the angels come ans close
    your sleepy eyes

    WORDLESS ONES
    In your loving arms we lay
    this wordless one so new
    The incarnation of our love
    We dedicate to you
    Hopeless, yet so full of love
    We make our solemn vov
    not knowing when the time will come
    Not even knowing how
    And though it seems we try to make
    A promis that is true
    We really only claim for them
    The promise is you
    The holy sleep which falls so deed
    Ablessing from above
    will now embrace our little one
    in simple trusting love
    We offer you this child
    Who's only ours awhile
    How could we keep it back from
    when you gave your only child

    I'M ALIVE
    I am so small
    Only God can hear my call
    In my battle to survive
    and through it all.
    I hear your voice,
    I hear your cry,
    As you struggle with the choice of
    wrong
    and
    right.
    But I'm Alive!
    I'm Alive!
    I am fighting for my life here.
    I am alive!
    I'm Alive!
    I'm Alive!
    Oh, Mommy...Oh, Daddy...
    I'm Alive!
    I feel my heart beat.
    I hear my breath.
    I long to cradle in your arms
    with sweet caress.
    I hold the cure for the hopeless.
    What possibilities I possess.
    The choice is yours...
    life
    or
    death.
    I'm Alive!
    I'm Alive!
    I am fighting for my life here.
    I am alive!
    I'm Alive!
    I'm Alive!
    Oh, Mommy...Oh, Daddy...
    I'm ALIVE
    http://www.webdesignbytlc.com/gayla/imalive.htm

    I CAN ONLY IMAGINE
    I can only imagine
    What it will be like
    When I walk
    By Your side
    I can only imagine
    What my eyes will see
    When Your face
    Is before me
    I can only imagine
    {Chorus}:
    Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
    Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
    Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
    Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
    I can only imagine
    I can only imagine
    When that day comes
    And I find myself
    Standing in the Son
    I can only imagine
    When all I will do
    Is forever
    Forever worship You
    I can only imagine
    http://www.angelfire.com/extreme/mus...lyimagine.html

    We wanted to play this one too but we already had to many songs

    ANGELS AMOUNG US
    I was walkin' home from school
    On a cold winter day,
    Took a short cut through the woods
    And I lost my way.
    It was gettin' late, and I was scared and alone,
    But then a kind old man took my hand, and led me home.
    My Mama couldn't see him,
    Oh, but he was standing there
    And I knew in my heart,
    He was the answer to my prayers.
    Ohhhh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
    Sent down to us from somewhere up above
    They come to you and me in our darkest hours
    To show us how to live
    To teach us how to give
    To guide us with a light of love
    When life held troubled times
    And had me down on my knees
    There's always been someone
    To come along and comfort me
    A kind word from a stranger
    To lend a helping hand
    A phone call from a friend
    Just to say I understand
    Now ain't it kind of funny
    At the dark end of the road
    That someone lights the way
    With just a single ray of hope
    Ohhhh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
    Sent down to us from somewhere up above
    They come to you and me in our darkest hours
    To show us how to live
    To teach us how to give
    To guide us with a light of love
    They wear so many faces
    Show up in the strangest places
    And grace us with their mercies
    In our time of need
    Ohhhh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
    Sent down to us from somewhere up above
    They come to you and me in our darkest hours
    To show us how to live
    To teach us how to give
    To guide us with a light of love
    To guide us with a light of love ...
    http://www.blueyze.com/liteoflove.html

  3. #53
    katycat99
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    We wrote this for my midwife to read at Kassandra's funeral

    On Christmas eve Kassandra beat all odd's by being born full term and alive. What a joy it was to hear her cry. Kassandra had a rare congenital heart defect that took up 77% of her chest cavity.
    In the NICU she had many ups and downs, but she kept fighting. On her 3rd night she had a rough time keeping her O2 stats up, but all it took was to call her dad to come to talk to her and hold her hand. We couldn't believe how well she responded to Andy's calm voice and gental touch. She seemed at peace when we were there with her. Even though Kassandra was on a ventalater and many other machines she was still able to grasp and squeeze our fingers.

    Her last afternoon, how hard she fought. The nurses had never seen an infant be able to hold their eyes open despite such a low O2 stat. That evening when things were at its worst, we decided to take her off the medications so we could hold her and let her be in peace. When the nurses handed her to Katie a miracle took place. Kassandra's stats went to a normal baby's heart rate. She opened her beautiful eyes wide open and reached her little hand out to us. We decided it was time to have her baptized. This was a bitter sweet ending because as the chaplin said amen she shed two tears and started her new journey into heaven. Where our little angel will watch over us till we meet again.
    Andy and Katie

  4. #54
    katycat99
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    Here the poem I put in her obituary folder

    The Rosebud

    On your journy to heaven,
    Oh, littlest of angels,
    I'll forever give thanks,
    You came first to my arms,
    Where you lay in warm sweetness
    For the briefest of moments,
    My name on your barcelet...
    Baby girl of my own.

    Not even the Rosebud
    Nor the first coucus petal,
    Could match the sodt wonder
    Of your small, flowering face...
    Though you lingered, oh briefly,
    Our torn hearts found comfort,
    And your fair infant presence
    Gave our sorrow a grace.

    Etched in our memories,
    To hold and to treasure,
    Are experiences we had not known;
    These you gave, in your innocence,
    To your mother and fauther;
    And oh, little darling,
    We are richer by far,
    To have held you for a moment
    Than to never held you
    At all

    -Unknown Author

    The cover on her folder was a picture of Jesus with five angel children surrounding him. It was so nice, We even had her "wide eyes" picture on the back next to the obituary.

  5. #55
    katycat99
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    I went and looked at monuments today when I was out of town for my appt. I got a lot of ideas, but feel a little overwhelmed with all the different variations and decisions. Andy and I will go together later on and actually pick one out, it'll be a lot cheaper to get one around here as opposed to ordering off the net like we planned on doing. The stones look much better in person than on a screen. This is all new to me, I've never had to do this before and never thought I would.

    I got some ideas for lettering on it, but still have to talk to Andy. We want to do a lot of thinking and research on it before we decide.

    Our baby angel**
    Our little angel**
    Our precious angel***
    Our sleeping angel*
    May she rest in peace*
    Our beloved daughter*
    In our hearts forever*****
    Too beautiful for earth****
    Beloved daughter and sister*
    In the arms of God*****
    In the arms of Jesus*****
    Depart this world early, but made it beautiful while she was here**

    Kassandra Karen Hedlund*****
    December 24, 2005
    December 29, 2005

    Kassandra Karen Hedlund****
    December 24-29, 2005

    Kassandra Karen Hedlund***
    Dec 24th, 2005
    Dec 29th, 2005

    Not really sure if we are going to add the middle name on it, just kind of depends on stone size and other wording.


    There are so many different types of granite out there. They come in different price brackets as well. Personally I like the Pink Rose****(1st bracket) and the galaxy black*****(black with bits of gold)
    2nd bracket . But the monogamy,*** st cl grey**, the Georgia**, jet black* are also nice. I like the lake superior green and cloral blue too but I think those are boyish. That's just some of the ones on hand there are tons more I have to look at. Its kind of hard to decide on stone colors till we decide what we want on the stone, some types are to busy for some etches and options.

    There are alot of options for stone pictures including...

    basic engravement-(free of charge) things like plain angels and such there are a few nice ones though some cute baby angels*****, praying angels***, sleeping angel****, child angel w/ the bird**angel with lamb*

    Floral carving ($25extra) seen some ideas but none that caught my eye, basically the same as engravement

    laser Etching ($75 -$100extra) There are a lot of really nice one in this category, you can have her picture etched*****, Jesus holding a baby****, angel babies**, an angel covering up a angel baby*** and many more*

    Picture posting (depends on size) the smallest being 2 3/8" X 2 7/8" all the way up to a 5"X7" the smallest pic in color would be around 220, and 120 for black and white

    The stone size and shape make a huge difference in price, the very cheapest is almost $400 and sky's the limit after that. I found flat, slanted and upright grave stones. I'm really not sure on what we want, but it'll possibly be a flat one and we'll place it at an angle in the cement. It depends on the financing though. The uprights are so expensive but so nice.

    If you want a vase stone and vase together would start at $769 with #1 bracket granite, we're not really interested in this but I believe if we did some research we could probably install one in the cement ourselves. (instead of in the granite) The sales man said it is possible if you know what to do.

    Plus they add charges for laying the stone in cement. I think we will do this ourselves though, Andy, his dad and brothers all laid Karen's stone last year. Maybe we'll go out there as a whole family and do that again, then have a lunch at the farm which is close by. We really didn't spend time at the cemetery together since it was so cold out.

    It was an emotionally hard day for me today, I cannot believe I went there. I had no plans to go but somehow got a wild hair up my B***, to go. I guess I just felt like it was time to start thinking of what we were going to do. Its been 3m already and we haven't layed it yet. The monument guy says it may take some time for it to get in, up to 3m depending on what we want done. That's crazy I can't believe it would take that long!! Andy and I'm going to go to DL to check out another place, and possibly Gully cuz I think they sell monuments too. We want to get the nicest, but price effective one we can afford. I've always been one to shop around.

  6. #56
    katycat99
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    Just thinking again... I just can't stop thinking of Kassandra, not that I want to stop. Yesterday I went to walmart to get Nick mud boots, and all I saw was tons of baby girls around her age, they were all so sweet and cute. I wish I could bring my little girl shopping with me and show her off!! There were so many things I dreamed of buying for her. I can't wait till Nick gets old enough so I don't need to go into the baby section for his stuff. It such a hard reminder that she's not here and I can't buy the pick outfits for her. I wonder what toys she'd like and how smile she'd be. would she have enough hair for those cute tiny bows? I think I'm going to start shopping at night again, when most of the babies are in bed sleeping. Actually I really need to face this, I just can't keep hiding from babies her age, I'll end up doing it forever. In the news paper there was a picture of a coworker that got pregnant and found out the same time as me. Her baby is born now and a cute little girl. They had a 4 generation picture in the paper, along with the sibling picture. Hopefully this will be the end of new 1st baby pictures that were born around the same time.
    Kassandra's birth announcement was in the obituary section of the paper, that's a real downer. I miss her so much.

    Sending thoughts and prayers to you Kassandra!!!!!!!! love mommy

  7. #57
    katycat99
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    I think of my little girl everyday, sometimes I'm OK with everything, sometimes I'm sad. Today was a really sappy day again, I thought it would be fine, but everything kept nagging on me today. Went to a b-day party for a niece, it was really nice, her mom did such a nice job on it. I realized My little girl would never have a golden b-day let alone a 1st one. I could never throw her a party. I've been to quite a few b-day parties since she was born, but for some reason this one got to my heart. I even started crying and couldn't hold back my tears. Luckily no one noticed. Many times I had to go sit on the steps to have a min to myself. Everyone kept asking me why I wasn't in the room, I really didn't know what to say. There was a little baby girl there, i think that's really what set it off, not her but her clothes. When my niece was born I bought her this really cute outfit, knowing it would stay in the family I thought I'd get it back for a daughter of mine, then it got passed on to another niece, which was fine. I was the next one in line to receive it. I guess it went to that little girl instead. I don't know why this bugs me, I guess it was my dream for 3yrs, now its shattered.

    I also got very emotional today cuz my little sister got in a car accident today, it took me a long time to find out the details cuz I couldn't get ahold of anyone in the family and she was taken to an out of town hospital. Thank god she's OK!! Kassandra must have been watching out for her auntie because apparently if they would have been 1ft over the drunk driver would have killed her and her friend.

  8. #58
    katycat99
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    www.hildyard.ca/raffle/raffle.html

    Here's a webpage raffle (with lots of nice prizes!!) that was donated and designed from some freinds on lovelifeandfreinds.com to help us pay for Kassandra's grave stone. They are really so sweet!! You may ignore, look, donate, or e-mail the link to freinds and family! Thanks so much!!

    (check out the story page, Lisa did a great job writing it from the info on my journal!!!)



    Kassandra's website and guest book
    http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kassandrahedlund

  9. #59
    katycat99
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    This is a poem my DH (Andy) wrote for Kassandra

    your life so presious to mom and dad
    we lost the most beautiful thing that we ever had.
    your life was to short for us to be
    as close to you as we dreamed we could be.
    forever we love and miss you two
    and can't wait till the day we get hug and kiss you.


    He's so sweet, I knever knew he could write so good!!!

  10. #60
    katycat99
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    OK, I have been offline for a few days, In that time of not having net access I had some rough days. I had so much I wanted to wright about, so much to say, so many feelings out there. I was able to work through most of them and do not feel like going back and writing, I do not want to rehash everything.

    Last night I had such a vivid dream, it was about a lady that I had noticed was following me around and kept popping up in many places I had been(it seemed to take place in the future a few years from now). She was short with blond curly hair, had a ton of children with her and resembled someone from my childhood church (its a bit odd that I ran into her last week at ECFE, she told me about a child she has lost). In the dream I kept telling Andy that she was following us around. He kept telling me that I was imaging it all. Later on the dream we seemed to be running from something, maybe her or dealing with Kassandra's death? Anyways I kept telling and that I thought it was an angel, how else could she be in all those places. Turns out it was an angel, I asked her when she came up to our car. She seemed to have a soft glow to her and I had a wonderful sense of peace all around me. I still remember the warmth around me like she was actually there. I truly felt it. It felt so real. She talked to us about Kassandra and out loss, she talked about gods love and answered some questions we had. It seemed like only a few minutes, before she had to leave. I still had more questions, but they never got answered. She said I'd have to look in to me and trust in god. I'd have to find good in it all. I cannot hid from it no longer. I don't remember what she had said, but she mentioned something about my journal. Then she was gone, and I woke up sobbing.

    Was this a councidence, a dream or was it a message from god? I truly believe it was a prayer answered by god. I'm going to do my best to find good in all this heartache and work through my problems.

    I've been thinking of that song "Angels Among Us"

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