Missing my baby angels Kassandra and Nevaeh - Page 7
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Thread: Missing my baby angels Kassandra and Nevaeh

  1. #61
    katycat99
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    ANGELS AMOUNG US
    I was walkin' home from school
    On a cold winter day,
    Took a short cut through the woods
    And I lost my way.
    It was gettin' late, and I was scared and alone,
    But then a kind old man took my hand, and led me home.
    My Mama couldn't see him,
    Oh, but he was standing there
    And I knew in my heart,
    He was the answer to my prayers.
    Ohhhh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
    Sent down to us from somewhere up above
    They come to you and me in our darkest hours
    To show us how to live
    To teach us how to give
    To guide us with a light of love
    When life held troubled times
    And had me down on my knees
    There's always been someone
    To come along and comfort me
    A kind word from a stranger
    To lend a helping hand
    A phone call from a friend
    Just to say I understand
    Now ain't it kind of funny
    At the dark end of the road
    That someone lights the way
    With just a single ray of hope
    Ohhhh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
    Sent down to us from somewhere up above
    They come to you and me in our darkest hours
    To show us how to live
    To teach us how to give
    To guide us with a light of love
    They wear so many faces
    Show up in the strangest places
    And grace us with their mercies
    In our time of need
    Ohhhh, I believe there are Angels Among Us,
    Sent down to us from somewhere up above
    They come to you and me in our darkest hours
    To show us how to live
    To teach us how to give
    To guide us with a light of love
    To guide us with a light of love ...
    http://www.blueyze.com/liteoflove.html

  2. #62
    katycat99
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    Last night was so awful, I had a ton ton of horrible dreams all night. Different ones every time I woke up and went back to sleep. Some we about my family, some were about me, and some were really odd but very disgusting and heart breaking. I have no idea what brought these on, I had a good day yesterday and don't watch icky movies. The last one was so bad I don't even want to talk about it, because it will definitely give you nightmares!! I just hope they stop and don't have to have them again.


    This is such a change from the dreams I've been having. Lately I've been having really nice dreams about Kassandra, how happy she is and he playing in the clouds.

    After the angel dream/ message I posted on Mon I just totally don't understand. One I start to figure something out, things go bad for me again. WHY!!!!

  3. #63
    katycat99
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    I think I need to stop posting my feelings, I think I may be hurting others feeling who read my posts when its to much for them to handle. I always thought before I have the right to vent my true feelings, I so feel like I have to be honest about myself and my greif. I just need to cry now

  4. #64
    katycat99
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    Hosted by Sparkle Tags


    Well this is the first major holiday since Kassandra's passing (well not including New years, but we were so numb at the time we didn't even notice it) I feel ripped off, Its not fair she's not here, I cannot take her to any family events, and show off my cute sweet little girl. No pictures of her and her brother all dressed up holding their eggs. No dresses, smiles or easter kisses from her. I miss her so much. Thank goodness I have Nick, without him I'd go nuts. I feel so bad for those who have lost their only child, to go through holidays without any children. I know today is going to be hard for me to, it'll hurt to see all the families and new babies. To tell you the truth I don't feel like going to any dinner today.

    I got to go now, we are on the way to the cemetary to put up a easter basket sign, on a stick for Kassandra. I also printed out our 2 poems we wrote and I'm sending them to her along with ballon kisses. Today I'm using yellow ballons.

  5. #65
    katycat99
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    Here's the results on the fundraiser for Kassandra's stone, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! I cannot beleave my eyes. Now we can get one that we like and feel comfortable having.


    First of all - Thank YOU - for all your support, donations and help for Katie and Andy to put towards the purchase of a monument.

    I know they are EXTREMELY Greatful!

    Here is the list of Winners:

    Category #1
    Sandra

    Category #2
    Janie

    Category #3
    Gladys Opperud

    Category #4
    Stephannie Westall

    Category #5
    Heather

    Category #6
    Stephannie Westall

    Category #7
    Janie

    Category #8
    Todd Moores

    Category #9
    Stephannie Westall

    Category #10
    Melissa Olson

    Category #11
    Lynette Woolever

    Category #12
    Candice

    Category #13
    Sandra

    Category #14
    Allyson

    Category #15
    Julie Krueger


    Category #16
    Sandra
    Candice

  6. #66
    katycat99
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    Sunday was so hard, it's just not fair. We did make it though the day, I'm glad I had to travel to get from place to place. It gave me time to get myself together. It would have sucked staying at one party ally day. I did get to go to the cemetery. I really needed a break from the farm and the babies. I took Nick with me. He had a fun time running around. We spread out cooked eggs around the tree for the birds to come and eat. When it was time for us to leave, Nick broke my heart. He stood on top of her grave and refused to leave, we stayed a bit longer and also went on a walk around the cemetery. I did finally get him to agree to leave after a ton of bribing and his new 2yr old fits.

    I skipped church because I couldn't handle going and seeing all the little girls in their dresses, that was another one of my dreams that were shattered when Kassandra died.

    This week has been so hard, now that's its nice out we've been playing outside more. My neighbor has her 2 children out as well. She has one Nicks age and one Kassandra's age. Its hard seeing her little one. Nick is so in tune to the baby and the baby's needs, he is always so concerned and talking about the baby. He gets so upset when the baby needs to go inside. He doesnt seem to really care about the other little boy who used to his friend. The only time he dose anything with the little boy is, Nick will take him by the hand and lead him to the baby. I think this is Nicks way of showing the boy how to be a good big brother. I feel so bad for Nick, it just puts me in tears. He would have been a great big brother!!!!

  7. #67
    katycat99
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    I've ran into this poem before right after we lost her, I just found it again today. I'm on a search to find some right in all this wrong I feel. I may have found a bit more right with this poem.

    If my Tears Could Heal You by Gretchen Bates:

    If my tears could heal you
    You'd be right as rain
    The struggles would be over
    No more trials, no more pain
    I'd wash away your troubles
    Turn all your wrongs to right
    Smile love on you in the daytime
    And tranquility through the night
    If my tears could heal you
    Your hardships would be gone
    I'd cry a bright new future
    To rise anew at dawn
    Child so small and precious
    Seems so much life to live
    We hold on tight, we fight the fight
    You have so much to give
    If my tears could heal you
    Then God would grant my plea
    But sometimes child, we can't see all
    Or how things are to be
    I love you my child, my mild son
    So much I've learned from you
    I pray for your peace if tears can't heal
    This much at least you're due
    If my tears could heal you
    I'd cry no more, you'd see
    I'd hold you close forevermore
    Alas, that's not to be

    For all the times I prayed to god to fix my babys heart, I was so angry that my prayers never got answered. I guess in gods way they did. He fixed her heart on her way to heaven, she will never have troubles with it again, she will never be in pain again, she has a new future. I just wish it was with me.

  8. #68
    katycat99
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    Just need a bit of support, I'm feeling a bit down today. I babysat my friends baby and his sister last night. Things went great, but I can't help but to feel that I'm missing out on stuff.

    Andy said he was getting off work early today so we could take the 1 1/2 hr drive to the monument place. Andy's boss made him work late so we didn't get to go. I guess we will have to wait another week.

    I really need a cigarette!!!!! I can't though because I quit again on Sunday and I'm determined to do it this time. I should have never started again but with the funeral and all the stress I guess I didn't care at the time. Upon coming home, I found a lump in my breast that wouldn't go away even after I dried up, so until I got the U/s results I thought I had cancer. Then I also had to have an MRI on my brain. I had migraines for almost a year, dizziness and blackouts. We thought some of this was due to the pregnancy. Since it didn't go away after delivery we had to make sure it wasn't a tumor. I was terrified, but didn't give a crap at the time if I got ill and died. Turns out I was fine, and could be treated with migraine medication. But after all that I was hooked back on cigarettes. I wish I had never started back up again.

    I do not want to die anymore, I need to be here with my living son. He is just as important to me as Kassandra is. He cannot understand why there is no baby here, he certainly would never understand if I disappeared one day.

  9. #69
    katycat99
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    Why is it every time I have a good day or time someone always has to ruin it for me?? This has been happening a lot lately. It may be over something so little and stupid, or something totally different. Why am I on edge so much. Why do I let things bother me so??? Why can't I let go of some things?? There's usually never a day that goes by with out something ticking me off or hurting my feelings.

    I resent some people because how fortunate they are, especially when they take it all for granted. Why do I get so pissed off when I see mothers driving their toddlers around without car seats and in the front seat of a airbag car. How come it is that these mothers that drink during their pregnancies and don't ever give a crap about their children, their children are fine and mine is dead.

    This whole week I've been feeling like time is going by so slow. It seems to be taking forever till I can TTC again. My MW said it would be best if we waited 1yr to TTC again. We are going to get of BC on Xmas day.

    I know I'm not mentally or physically ready yet, but it seems so far away. Then the 9m of waiting after that, I don't know if I can do it. I know I cannot start now. I could not take the risk of a M/C, placenta abruption and so forth. I'm actually still scared about TTC what if this happens again, what about all the other things that could go wrong? If something this rare happened to us don't that put us at more risk for less rare things? I guess my feelings are still a toss up.

    Anyways, last night I went out with some friends, I was having a great time. Then they mentioned that we should TTC again. I said no we have to wait till Dec. I explained why but they didn't understand. One of them even said who cares what the DR. just do it you'll be fine. You need a baby....

  10. #70
    katycat99
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    I found this online tonight, It totally reminds me of when I held Kassandra as she passed.


    Today I set you free
    to be who you need to be
    Our paths crossed
    In a magical place

    It was the perfect choice
    But your heart was too fragile
    Our destination was not meant to be

    Day by day, reflections
    Of us in shattered glass
    This is a place I can never return
    Our destiny was never meant to be

    Poems of love will now fade
    Trails of tears will be distant
    In the oasis two soul mates
    Stand with faces silent

    The thunder of forgotten dreams
    Will now sound throughout infinite
    May you be at peace
    Under a gossamer sky
    And fly on the wings of an angel
    Throughout your journey

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