Motherhood and More
Motherhood is not for wimps. My friend wrote this on a card she sent to me days after my first son was born. At the time, I was in the middle of the first few haggard days of very little sleep, trying desperately to get the hang of breastfeeding, and choking down my panic at what I had gotten myself into by having a child. So that quote definitely resonated with me then, and it still makes me smile and feel proud to be called a "mother"...to be a part of this gritty group who have had their lives forever changed by having children.
But I certainly don't think I deserve a gold medal just because I gave birth, or for the sacrifices I have made as a mother. It's just a part of life. I chose this life for myself the moment DH and I decided to try for a baby. And while I never could have imagined back then the way our lives would change, and the tough times ahead of us, I also never could have imagined the amount of joy motherhood has brought me.
Oh, how I love Oreos. :drool: That's just one of those things that I don't eat that often, and I always forget how good they are in between. So anyway, I just had one, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm really surprised I haven't gone back for another one.
Well, I thought it was time to get my rear in gear and really start on this journal. A lot is going on with us lately in the way of big time decision making for our future. I suppose I will start with the basics. If anyone is reading this journal and doesn't know my history, here is a link to my other journal. That one has all of my background, but it's mostly about Jake, the baby we lost last year to a fatal condition.
So, the dr. told us he recommended waiting 12-18 mos. to TTC again. I probably thought about TTC way before I should have, before my heart was ready to, so for a long time I wavered back and forth, and the scale mostly tipped toward fear. There were so many emotional hurdles in the way- fear of having another child with problems, fear of a rough pregnancy, fear of losing another child. My mind and my heart could not see past these things. But somewhere along the way, the scale started tipping toward desire for another child, and fear lost its edge. I just kept thinking of holding a healthy baby in my arms, and that made me want to try again. I couldn't deny what my heart was feeling once it decided what it wanted. :) So DH and I talked about it, and lo and behold, he felt the same way. It just felt right. Of course I am still scared of all the things that could go wrong, but it's not an overwhelming scariness anymore. What in life is without risk? Every pregnancy is a risk.
So it's been a year since Jake's birth and death. I'm 36 y/o, about to turn 37 in less than a week. In my mind, we don't really have the leisure of thinking about it for years and years. So, DH had said he wanted to look into genetic testing if we decided to TTC again. He was worried that there was something "wrong with him", :confused: , even though Austin is perfect, and the research I had done about TD said that it is a spontaneous cell mutation, and that the drs. had told us it *shouldn't* happen again (beyond the "normal" 1 in 50,000 or whatever chance that everyone has). But I emailed the geneticist that we saw when I was pg with Jake anyway. I figured maybe she could give us an answer without us having to drive an hour to her office and pay for a visit. I'm sneaky that way. ;) Well, I never heard back from her, so I went ahead and made an appointment. That was like a month and half ago. The appointment was scheduled for this Thursday. Well, yesterday totally out of the blue, she emailed me back! She basically said, the chance that one of us carries the mutation is very, very low. She said nothing in this business is ever zero risk, but the risk of recurrence is certainly much lower than the other kinds of problems like Down syndrome, etc. She also said there is no testing to be done on either of us. Well, yee-haw! DH and I agreed that there really was no need to keep the appointment since we found out what we needed to know, so I cancelled it.
So, here we are. I haven't really had a chance to talk to DH, since all this blew my mind yesterday but I assume we are still going forward with TTC. Yikeys.
I cant wait to read about your pregnancy and see pictures of you holding a brand new healthy baby. Many hugs and positive vibes coming your way.
Thank you Alissa. I wish the very same to you. ((HUGS))
DH and I just got back from a very nice 2-day getaway in the big city for my birthday. We had planned it when we thought we had the geneticist appointment...of course we ended up cancelling the appointment but decided to go ahead and go for the getaway anyway. It was so good to be together, just hanging out and watching TV in the hotel, going out for dinner, shopping, and watching movies. We went to the Melting Pot, which is a neat fondue place, very fancy and 'spensive. We had never been there before but I have always wanted to go. I'm such a dork, I didn't realize that you cook your own meat in the pot. Even though there was a pot of boiling broth in front of us, when she brought out the meat, I looked at the plate, and my thought process was, "Eww, that salmon is RAW...I know it's very sophisticated to eat your fish raw, but I just don't go for that, dude" then my eyes wandered to the rest of the meat, and it was all that way...so then I thought, well, maybe she forgot to cook it, then I thought, well, maybe it's one of these hibachi type places where the waiters cook your food at your table. After I exhausted all possible explanations in my head, I finally figured it out. :rolleyes: I'm just clueless sometimes. Thank goodness I didn't make a fool of myself by saying something about it. Even DH was wise to the whole situation...he was like "Oh yeah, I knew that we were going to have to cook our own food." And he didn't even know what the Melting Pot was before we went. Evidently he is infinitely more knowledgeable about fondue than I. :lol:
I definitely did nothing to help my weight loss this weekend. My goal was to eat at as many places that we don't normally get to eat at, as possible. Definitely not on the Weight Watchers plan, ha! But hopefully I didn't do too much damage. I have lost 30 lbs. since last July on WW. I credit WW 100% for my success. I would gladly do a WW commercial, if asked. :lol: However, I am thinking about cancelling my membership for now...I haven't really followed the plan at all for the past couple of months...and I haven't gained any weight back, I guess I sort of maintained, so that is a good thing. I would like to eventually lose about 15 more lbs. but now that we are going to TTC, I don't really see the need to keep trying to lose more. I know that I can eventually lose it with WW, so I will pick it up again when I get done having a baby.
About that, I wanted to clarify something. Even though *I* have decided that I want to try for another baby, I feel sure that God will reveal what is meant to happen with us and having a baby. In my prayers, I acknowledge that it is in His hands. I am okay if He never gives us another one. It would be wonderful if we are blessed with another little one, but if it's not supposed to happen, that is fine. I have a beautiful little boy already, and the hope of seeing my other beautiful little boy again some day. I just hope I can maintain this attitude of "being okay" with it either way. When I go down the baby aisle in Target and get a whiff of the baby lotion and see the big packs of diapers, I get a little excited, I won't deny.
Thanks to the wonders of facebook, today I've had birthday greetings from several people I haven't seen or talked to since we graduated high school 18 years ago. Kinda weird, but I'll take it, I guess. :)
Today's been a pretty good day. I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I've started a new "job" as of the first of the year. One of the teacher's aides from Austin's preschool decided not to come back after the Christmas break (she's preggo), so they offered her job to me. I had subbed a few times this past fall, so I kind of knew what to expect, but I had never subbed for this particular class before. The kiddos are 2-3 year olds. They are sometimes a handful, and there are a couple of little toots in the class, but mostly they are good kids, and I love it. I really love it. At first I wasn't sure if I was going to or not, but I have come to know the kids and their personalities, and we have all settled into a routine, more or less, so it's all good now. It's only 2 mornings/week. So anyway, we had school today and then went to lunch with some friends. Austin fell asleep on the way home, so when we got home, I put him in my bed and then I took a big ol' birthday nap. lol
Austin just did something so precious. He had to go to the bathroom just now, so after he was done I was helping him turn on the water to wash his hands. He got up on his little stool, and grabbed my hand, and said, "I love you, Mama." :bawl: I love that sweet kid so much. My parents were keeping him a few days ago while DH and I went for our weekend getaway, and Austin told them that he wanted to get me some earrings for my birthday at the "Brown Walmart". So they took him to the brown Walmart (so called because it is painted brown on the outside, as opposed to some Walmarts, which are blue) and apparently he had a specific type of earring in mind - he wanted some with gold AND silver on them (what can I say, my kid is extremely detail oriented. ha ha!). So they searched until they found some gold and silver earrings, wrapped them up for me and helped Austin pick out the sweetest card, then had him draw me a picture in it and gave it to me when DH and I got back. So precious. I'm so very blessed.
Well, we are in the middle of our first cycle TTC. Maybe. Sort-of...ish. I'm not sure that I want to call it "trying"...I guess I'm not ready to commit to calling it that yet, but it *could* happen that I end up pg. haha. I don't like to get into too much detail on here, 'cause I'm just not that comfortable with revealing that much personal information about TTC. :cool: But, I would kind of like to try to keep up with what CD I am on. I think I am CD 17 today. Maybe this qualifies as TMI but oh well: I am not sure why, but I have had some really strong cramping? I guess you could call it, down low, today. Maybe I've got some sort of UTI or something. Ever since my c-section, everything feels weird down there, in the way of cramping. "Cramps" don't feel like they used to. It hurts in different places than it did before, if that makes any sense. :dry: And I've been nauseated off and on today, which is really strange for me. Who knows. DH has been having some of the same symptoms, so maybe it is a touch of a stomach virus.
I am still really okay with whatever happens with TTC. I really, highly, seriously doubt that I am pg this time, because, well, I just assume with my age and my history, that it will probably take a while. And even if it does happen, my chances of m/c are pretty high too, I would guess. So, just going with the flow. I'm not sure how long we will "try" but it will not be for infinity. Maybe 6 months to a year? There will be an end to our efforts at some point- I'm just not personally interested in trying after I turn 38 or 39. Not that I have anything against that; it's just not for me.
Soo...in other news, there is somethin' a-brewin' on the home front. I don't want to say exactly what it is, but it would involve a HUGE life change for our family (not a bad one). I wish I could talk about it, but I'm paranoid that someone will find out who is not supposed to find out. Is that vague enough? heheh. So that has been occupying my mind a lot lately. And we have been really busy lately, just one thing after another. I am not the kind of person who likes a crazy busy life. I don't mind the occasional hectic streak, but I would rather chaos in my life be the exception, not the rule. I much prefer my world to be calm and rather orderly most of the time. Maybe that makes me boring, but I am okay with that.
So I've been praying about both the TTC thing and the "huge life change" thing. 2011 should be an interesting year.
Good luck with the baby trying, I am routing for you :)
Thanks Kristi. You're a sweetheart. :giveflower:
AF never showed up last week. :eek:
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NO WAY!!!! Squee!!! I'm so excited!!!!!!