You don't need to read this novella if you don't want, I just really needed it off my chest. I know I coulda posted it in my journal on that board, but then it just feels like I'm rambling to myself.
100 dollars a week. That's all I need to make. I can do that with ebay, but NO Jamie wants to take off work one day next week so I can pest the hospital for a job. So that means I may still have to put Lu in daycare, which takes away from my check. And if I have to put her in daycare, I have to buy formula since my pumping skills suck, jarred food and diposable diapers. Not to mention the dr bills from being in a hospital daycare, where kids get rsv like a snotty nose.
Which means, I might as well work full time again! Just as I'm finally getting into a schedule and I promised Cathy I'd help her with the strawberries this year. She scheduled field trips, etc with the thought 2 people would be doing them. Plus, she's going to pay me! F!
I told him to kiss my bloody butt (yeah, AF is here which makes it worse) and if he wanted 400 dollars a month he could get a second job cause he doesn't do anything anyway. I try to clean, try to mind the yard, try to clean out the house and organize it, sell stuff on ebay which is an ***'s pain, take care of Clara, etc. I make her food, she wears cloth diapers, he has never even SPOONFED HER!!! Plus he goes on about how I need to take a higher dose of Zoloft cause I'm losing my mind. Hell, Zoloft, Ativan is more like it.
So then, I said "What the hell do you do when you get home?" He says "Recuperate." I said "You don't even cut the grass" and he said "What It needs cutting?"
Then I said "What about Clara's room? Fix it!" and he said "We need money first." I said "Don't even...you should have fixed that room a year ago."
It was always either too hot, too cold, too dusty, or he couldn't work cause I was in the house. So one night we left and what did he do? Ordered a pizza and watched TV. And last week I made a mistake and said "I heard about a cool site called pogo.com" Big Mistake.
He told me tonight I don't do anything. I said "Well, look what I have to work with. If we have to sell this house, too bad. It's a mausoleum. Like being in a dungeon all day long. I didn't want to move here anyway." I really don't care anymore. I need to light 3 candles...Our Lady of Perpetual Help cause I need it, St Jude cause my marriage is a hopeless cause and St Anthony so he can help me find my LOST MIND!
And if you read this, I owe you something big
Aaaaand I posted this on the PPD board. I thought it was too long after Clara's birth for me to still have PPD.
I think I am finally going to admit this is kicking my *** right now
Let's see, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Angie. Clara is my little girl and she is 7 months old today.
It's hard to pinpoint just when this started, cause I've always had problems with depression/anxiety. I was finally put on Paxil in '00 and it worked wonders for me (except when I ran out and dr took his time refilling YIKES!). When I became pg I backed off, but my OB said it was OK to take them. However, once they were in my system, I only needed one every other day or so. And by my 3rd tri I weaned off completely so Clara wouldn't be born wding. My OB was ready to help me with PPD cause he knew my history and told me even before she was born to just say the word after I have her and I'll get treatment.
I made it 3 weeks and I was so proud of myself. But then I started worrying about going back to work and it all started back, pretty bad. My OB wasn't comfy putting me on Paxil due to my bfeeding, and wanted me to try Prozac or Zoloft. I opted for Z considering Pro makes me Insane! I have been on 20mg Z for 6 months and it has gotten worse.
I went back to work in Aug and it was nothing short of a nightmare, so I opted to quit. In that 3 weeks between giving my notice and leaving, my beautiful Mother passed away right before Christmas. Then, I didn't even get to say goodbye to my students because my boss told me to leave one day (before my last day) and please not return, just to be spiteful. Then there is the situation with my husband which is just not good. I'm not even going to get into whatever today's complaint may be. Thank God for Clara or I really don't know what shape I would be in. And my birth board. Those girls are amazing.
And LOOK I wrote my second novella today
It just goes on and on.
I'm just ready for this to stop. I am so tired of constantly feeling hopeless and worried and (yeah this is freaky) terrified Clara won't wake up every night when I pat her to sleep. And that fear has spread to my grandparents and other family members. Everytime DH leaves the house I worry he won't come home. I have to physically tell myself to stop worrying and stop being so bummed. It is ridiculous. To be honest the last time I was this depressed was in high school after my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and all that followed.
I would like to go back to the Dr this week and try to see if he'll let me get back on Paxil since I'm bfeeding less. Plus it has a very short halflife, so I don't understand what the big deal was. Dr Hale says it's OK .
Anyway, wish me luck...I'm off to read more posts and breathe a sigh of relief I'm not alone.
Hmmm. Jamie and I got along so well today! Except he wanted the computer all day long LOL! I think my right boob has a blocked duct (sorry). It really sucks.
I'm going to try to make some new curtains tomorrow.
I hate AF. Wonder if she's causing the weirdness in my boob?
I am so sad. It makes me sad to see the Pope so frail. I noticed in the dove footage he is drooling. I wish I would have never seen it. It makes me sad. It reminds me of my mom.
Oh, well. God blesses us. In spite of all the sadness, there is so much more happiness. He takes care of us.
Oh, I forgot to add. Clara is making a strange growling noise! It is so so funny! She also was blowing air on Jamie's face to wake him up, she held her own bottle and had her first ice cream today!
I dove my bog, buddiful girl toe muck!!!!
OH! One more thing. There were some kids in NO who got in trouble with the SPCA for hurting animals at school. One girl threw a brick at a kitten
She said she didn't think it would cause such a commotion and didn't see what she did wrong. The principal hasn't returned anyone's calls. I can't wait to see what happens. Those little bastards. They ill me, they really do.
What the heck is going on with my avatar? It won't work. Whatever. Boy things are going from bad to worse. Jamie and I had a great day yesterday until I got on here talking about personal stuff and he saw. Now he's being a terd saying how dissapointed he is in me. Is this freaking high school and is he my daddy? Hell no. He can kiss it for all I care. Now my spirit is broken. To bits. Whatever.
And I'm sick of how people go on about my spoiling Clara. She is my child and if I want to love on her I will!!! And if she doesn't want to go to people who could care less about knowing her that is her choice.
Now I have to figure out what's going on with my avator.
I am hungry! What horrible fattening indulgent food am I going to have tonight? Only 2 more nights to indulge and then it will be hard work for me. I don't know what I'm going to do for Charity this year! Usually I am in charge of the St Jude fundraiser, but since I'm no longer working, I guess I can hang that up. I have a box of crap for St V de P, but in my opinion that does not count. Maybe I'll do something for the ACS in my Mother's name. Gosh, what I wouldn't give to have her hugs right now. Mom! I need you!!! But I know you're around here somewhere in the midst of all these orbs haha! I love you, Mommy.
Those poor girls on my birth board are going to find me and shoot me for starting the national orb hunt. How funny is it, though, I'm usually searching for the little hidden things and miss the big obvious stuff? Isn't it supposed to be the opposite? Am I talking to myself again???
Well, Pahn is sleeping so I really should get started on her cupid wings. I got a plastic net-thing and some big pink and white feathers at Hobby Lobby to make her wings. I have a little septor with a heart at the end for her arrow and I need to make a bow. I will also make her a 1920's style feather thing for her hair. AND! And I got her a Mardi Gras hairband and septor (well, it's a pen, but it kicks ***) so she can take Mardi Gras pics. If we can't afford to get pics done right now, I'll do them myself!
Ooh! Highlights of the Superbowl halftime show! Too bad I missed it. JAMIE! Hiss.
Where is the freaking mailman??? I am ready to get out of this dungeon!!! And I have to call the dr and I have to get these packages out and I have to fold the clothes and I have to wash out my crockpot and I have to make groceries and I need to stop right now cause I could keep it up.
The cats all scattered and I thought the mail was here, but no. They're just stupid.
I was a bad girl yesterday and did not get my ashes. But I did ok with fasting. I had some bread at noon, mind you it was a big hunk, and I made it till 5 then I had a creme drop and 5 crackers cause I was so shaky. Then Jamie got home and scarfed down everything within reach. It was ok...after sundown it's fine.
Clara is being nutty and DeeDee is being an ***. What stage of the moon is it? Oh! She is kicking the computer! What a terd! Hmmm, I need to try the cloth dipes again today. Just another random thought.