**** **** **** **** **** **** CRIPES!!!
I don't WANNA go back to work!!! I don't want to put Clara in some horrible redneck daycare cause that's all that's around here and I want to be with her! This is so not fair and...maybe I should explain.
Today Jamie made a payment on the credit card. Seems like we rang up 1000 dollars since December 30. Mind you, it was mostly groceries and gas. 100 was ebay shipping, which is already paid, and 30 was Jamie's b-day. What else? Some was Jamie's asthma meds, and his visit to the specialist, 60 was for my jeans and socks. 80 was for pizza, which is not bad considering Jamie used to want pizza like twice a week and he gave it up for Lent so no worryies there. OK. So I said I would cut the grocery budget in half. But apparently that is not enough. Will my help during berry season really be enough? How long before I snap from hearing how spoiled my child is.
And that's not all. I didn't tell Jamie this. Since Mom passed away and I have to sign the farm's bank note now, I will have to pay inheritance tax. And what the hell do I have to show for it? A hunk of uninhabitable farm land that could be reposessed any year. I went into the scary room today and despite all the lizards and spiders in there I hung out for a little while and just cried my eyes out. I said to God, I said,"I know You're here. I know You can hear me. I need a miracle. I know You're showing me what to do, but please help me see it!" And I cried like an idiot. If I wasn't breastfeeding, I swear I could drink myself into oblivion. Damn it, I have such awesome ideas, but I am so friggin lazy!! I am terrified of people! Can I possibly look at my precious child and tell her, Mommy loves you and wants to be at home with you, but she is too lazy to try and make it work.
Today I gave her some cereal not to eat, but to play with. And she had a ball. Will daycare people do that? Nope. Will they listen to her cry because her little teeth are hurting and actually be sympathetic and loving? I doubt it. I know cause I worked in a preschool for 5 years. It's a job and teachers have bad days. I don't want to even give my baby the remote chance of being mistreated, even slightly.
Plus I will have to give up my wonderful breastfeeding!! That very thought brings tears to my eyes as we speak. I won't be able to pump because pumping at my last job nearly wiped out my supply. It will cost more for us if I work than if I stay home! For a measly 400 or 500 dollars a month! That's ALL!
And wtf! Jamie does his job, comes home and does nothing. He won't help take care of the house or yard. He worked PT after his regular work when he wanted extra money once. Why can't he do it again? Is it selfish of me to want that?
I would be ok with working on weekends, but then I have to leave Clara with him and I know nothing will get done. I am so frustrated!!!
I hope tomorrow I will be able to clear my mind. I doubt it. I'm sure it will just be another day. I have to go to the post office. I have a package to pick up. Hope it's something nice, but it's probably a box of Priority boxes. But I can hope.
And my Aunt Too called today. Seems the Aunt pile is decsending upon us Sat night. I'm gonna need a couple shots of bourbon before I go. Poor Clara. This is gonna throw her way off!!! And then in-laws the next day. Oh, geez.
Whoops, she's crying. Gotta go.
Ok. I am gonna hold my breath now and count to ten. I didn't mean for this journal to become one big rant.
If things got any worse, it would be cause someone died and I pray that doesn't happen. Oh wait. It did. My friend from childhood ate cyanide while working in his thesis for his phd. Of course, that was days ago, but it still makes me sad.
How was my Valentine's day? Well, I was trying to be a sweet wife and reorganize the white trash looking area I call a dining room for Jamie. I spent all day trying to find a better place for his speakers, etc, but guess what? He got home from work and 1. ignored me completely and 2. when he finally spoke it was to ***** about everything I did. Then he couldn't help me with Pahn tonite. Oh wait, that's everynight. Then I tried to clean up the gray room to free up some space and boxes. I didn't expect any help...until...
I debated on getting him to help me clean out the fridge pan but then said no, he can relax and play his stupid alchemy and I'll move the ceder robe against that wall (cause the back of the fridge is in a closet in the gray room. don't ask.) and this weekend I'll move it up and clean out the pan. Big lousy mistake to say the least.
I try to move the ceder robe and immedietly a leg breaks off it. Piece of ****. So then I manage to move it almost there and I'm panting and cussing and hating my husband cause he can't pry himself off the couch to see if I need help (I'm not asking after all) and then he finally comes in there. "Uhhh, you need help?" I said "IT"S ABOUT TIME! NO I DON'T NEED ANY FU(K!NG HELP!! GO BACK IN THE OTHER ROOM!! DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED HELP???" "Well, uhhhh, all you had to do was ask." "WELL! YOU SHOULD HAVE THE COMMON DECENCY TO GET UP AND SEE IF YOUR WIFE NEEDS HELP MOVING HEAVY BROKEN SH!TTY FURNITURE!!!!!!"
So he left. And I cussed even more.
"MOTHERFU(K!NG SH!T IN THIS SH!TTY PIECE OF SH!T ROOM!!! IT NEVER GETS USED BUT HE FU(K!NG HAD TO HAVE IT. PROBABLY COST A WHOLE MONTH OF MY SALARY BUT HE JUST LETS IT ROT IN HERE AND GET IN MY WAY AND THIS STUPID CEDER PIECE OF SH!T NEEDS TO BE TURNED INTO FU(CK!NG FIREWOOD CAUSE THAT'S ALL IT'S GOOD FOR!" On and on I went. Pulling every muscle in my body moving that robe. So Mr Goofy comes back in and chuckles at me and says "Well what are you trying to do?"
I had to stop, the robe kinda fell against the wall and he immedietly knew he made a mistake.
"What. Does. It. LOOK LIKE I'M FU(K!NG DOING??? MOVING THIS STUPID SH!T AGAINST THE DAMN WALL TO GET IT OUT OF MY WAY!!!!!!" So he attempted to "help". Which was very helpful might I add. Then he pretty much stood back and watched me struggle more. Then he tried to touch me. I think I scratched him. So he went to bed while I took some Advil cause I'm gonna be hurting tomorrow. In many more ways than one.
This is part II. The first post got so long.
My heart is breaking. I am so torn. I love Jamie so much more than even life itself, but I can't do this any longer. I am getting back on Paxil to see if that helps me, but I think our problems run much deeper than my mental conditions. What couple goes as long as we do without bd? And he could care less. He expects things to happen without having to work for them. He exoects this house to take care of itself, for the yard to cut itself, and for me to do everything else. And when I don't do the dishes or wash the clothes...it makes me a bad housekeeper. I get smirked at when my Dad talks about what a horrible housekeeper Mom was like I am the same.
I heard something yesterday. If you hold a glass of water for a minute it won't hurt you. After an hour your arm will start to hurt pretty badly. After a whole day you will probably need to go to the hospital. Imagine what a burden will do to you after a month or a year or even years! I told him this an you know what he said...Well, were you holding the glass like this? He just doesn't get it! He is such a genius and he just doesn't get the simplest, most obvious thing in the world! Jamie and Angie are in trouble!!!
If I had a strong, good-paying job right now, I would leave him. I would find a small, sweet apartment and I would decorate it just for me and Pahn and he would have to make an effort to come visit if he wanted to see us. I don't think we would see him often! Do you? He can have this house and Hambone, LA and he could have the furniture except what came out of my Mom's house and he would just have to see what life is like. He would feel completely abandoned just like I feel right now. If it weren't for Pahn, my life would be empty. I would have no reason to live. And I love life. So that's a shame.
But then part of me wants to take it up the rear cause I don't want the people I love sad or miserable. What if something happened to him? How would I feel knowing some of my last words to him were "You stupid, aggravating bastard!"? When did I become so heartless?
So I have nothing standing between me and Pahn leaving except that I don't have a job. When I get one, if things aren't looking up, we're off. I have nothing here. I don't really even have a marriage anymore. And as much as I didn't want Clara to go through this like I did, and as much as I believe marriage is a lifetime commitment (just like Mater and Grandad's) I can't do this anymore. Maybe I'm not the person for him. I'm certainly afraid he's not the person for me. I do so desperatly want to have a wonderful marriage, but I can't do it alone.
OK. We're geting along as of yesterday. There have been no ill words at all! It has been wonderful. I even made pancakes tonight. And he didn't complain they weren't enough like his mother's. Dang, bro! How bout that?
My dr appt went very well. She was very awesome and actually kept asking me questions. We were in the exam room a good 15-20 min! I hate when Drs rush you in and out. She gladly put me on my Paxil, but then, gulp, she had to do the exam.
I have a very angry anus. I have to take senna twice daily and do a supp every night before bed. In three weeks I go back to see if I have anemia/ thyroid problems and see if the supps are working. I think this whole experience reaffirms my belief the rectum is definitly an exit, not an entrance.
Poor DeeDee got locked in the sunroom for 4 hours the other night. When I finally figured out what happened and let him out, he was all purrs and his nose was scratched and bloody from trying to get out. What the hell? Glad I didn't leave him in there all night! He might not have a face left!
Don't know what's on the plate for tomorrow. I need to get rid of some piles. Cheers, y'all!!!
Whoa dawggie!! Has it really been three days since we fought like maniacs? I can't believe it! Holy Damn!
JJ stayed home from work today and GULP we had a great day together. We were KIND to each other all day! I am actually SORRY to see him go to work tomorrow. I love getting along cause we really are amazing friends. YAY!
Wow! Has it been so long??? Would anyone care to hear how it ends???
Here, read this, the most recent myspace blog entry:
It started innocently enough.
I planned to clean out the house; moving things around, so Clara can finally have a room to call her own. Not so hard, I just have to switch on the organizational channel in my brain and work my magic. Been there, done that. It's time to get busy and throw out a bunch of ****.
This past week I moved the living room contents to the dining room area. It was done in a couple of hours and Clara was so excited to help. She kept walking into the former living room, littered with boxes and toys and clothes and a bunch of other stuff that needs a place to call home, and saying "Dis my room? Dis my princess room?" Her excitement was evident and so inspiring! I wanted nothing more than to deliver her perfect room right then and there. I had planned to work on everything this weekend and get her a room!
I knew what needed to be done first. I would go into the gray room (storage catch-all number 1) and move boxes around to make room for more. I'd also slide Clara's mattress out and set everything up. Easy, right????
I go in and assess the task at hand. We're talking about 2 years of **** thrown in there so as not to deal with it. When I went back to work, and had Clara to take care of as well, I simply didn't have time, or energy really, to keep it organized. The amount of pointless **** in this house is overwhelming. And I'm going to have to move out soon! Won't that be a nightmare!!!!
I just decided to jump in and start. Anything was better than nothing. But then something happened I have never had to deal with to such an extent, and therefore didn't expect. Every time I'd open a box to see the contents, every time I'd move one thing and something else was revealed, it would bring back such a painful rush of memories and sadness, I would begin to cry. I found baby clothes I thought I would be able to use again, and the trampoline I bought when I was pregnant to stay in shape. I saw the Bible I received when I converted to Catholicism with a rare show of support from Jamie and books we purchased because they seemed so important to have at the time, but have long since been forgotten. A blanket I planned to make for Clara to use at naptime was under her cradle and postal boxes were stacked in one corner from those beautiful days when I stayed at home with my new baby, and wanted so desperatly to sell things on ebay so I wouldn't have to go back to work and leave her. All of Jamie's comic books still take up too much space, but so do all the rubbermaid boxes filled with the things I used in my preschool classroom. All over, remains of Clara's babyhood; bittersweet reminders of how time does not wait for us to get our lives together, to live the way we so naively dreamed we would...or could. Reminders of how quickly, easily and unexpectedly things fall apart--marriages, homes, families, friendships, lives.
Finally I found what would break me, maybe one of the saddest, sweetest things of all--the first and only Mother's Day card I got from Clara...and probably the only one I will ever get, until she is old enough to buy them herself. I couldn't help myself. I began to sob and got out of the room as fast as I could, bumping into things because I couldn't see through my tears, leaving it hardly tidier than I found it. The job is not done. Something tells me it will never get done.
I'm not at a point now where I can cherish. I want everything to be away from me, or me away from it. I want to see it all destroyed, eliminated, so I don't have to feel the pain of running across it. I want the job to do itself...to be able to wake up one morning and see everything in it's proper place. Although I know it is not possible, I do not stop wishing. And I do not stop hurting. Still, I am crying.