Munkie! Daughter of the Jungle

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Munkie! Daughter of the Jungle

Er-rite!
I figured I would start this to kind of get some stuff out of my brain. Oh! If only I had Dumbledore's pensieve!! There's so much happening right now and the holidays made it, dare I say, worse. What sucks is that it was Clara's first Christmas and I feel like I didn't make it as good as it should have been. It all started in the middle of November...
...one day at work the bossbitch was out of town, or I overheard she would be oot while pumping in the rat-infested storeroom. So I told Ms B who suggested she sneak out and get us all Burger King. Well, the secretary (yeah! that's all you are stupid woman, you don't own the freaking school!!!) got pissed at us and RATTED! That started a chain reaction which lead to me putting in a notice to leave work. Then my Mother passed away after being sick for over 10 years. I still do not feel I properly cried. I feel like I have so much sadness in me, and I just can't tap into it. Like when I'm pumping and my milk won't let down. In a way I've been without her for so very long! In a way I have mourned her passing for years before it happened, yet it doesn't seem real. I'll never see her again. I didn't even look at her in her casket so it feels like maybe she wasn't even in there. I remember at the funeral I walked up to the casket with Clara to say goodbye. I touched the casket as I held her. I know it looked dramatic, but I wasn't doing it for effect, though I made many people cry and fall silent. Clara will not even know someone who would have given her everything in the world. What the hell did my mother do to not even get to see her grandbaby?? Nothing, not a damn thing! She was a wonderful person and it just ain't fair. And why do I have to live without my mother? I need her! I have needed her for the last decade and now there is NO HOPE she'll ever come back to take care of me!! Oh, well. She is at so much peace now, with Mamaw and Charles and sweet Jesse-boy.
So now I'm stuck with no Mom and no job and things are soooo strained between me and Jamie. Ever since Clara was born (not blaming her, of course.) it has been so different. I guess it's getting better if not for the 7 month+ lag in our freaking sex life! What married couple does not have sex for so long? It really bugs me, but not him. Why? What is it about that is so repulsive to him? Shit.
Well, I'm starting to feel a little better.

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Ah! I forgot to add why I chose my journal's name to be as such! When I was a little girl (and now) we would get in huge trouble if we were caught jumping the rows of strawberry plants. Even now we inform all our customers that when in the field do not jump the rows. To do so could crush the plants, the fruit, tear the plastic, etc. Every now and then there's an ant nest under the plastic and if you landed on it-YEOW! That's what represents my life right now. I feel as though I have to tread carefully and take good care of my little plant (Clara) and not step on any ant nests. So to speak.

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I wonder if Clara sleeps too much? Maybe she's going through a growth spurt right now. I had pumped some milk while she was at Cathy's and this morning and all last night she constantly nursed, then wolfed down 3 oz this morning! Tomorrow I have to bring the new car to get the radio put in and the front end aligned. I wish Jamie could take off work to come with me, cause I know those snakes will be a'slitherin at the car place. I think I go in public everyday with a sign that says "I'm naive, take advantage of me please. Please walk all over me!" So I'm working on that. It's hard, especially when you're a socialphobe like me. Ugh, I can't wait to get back on my Paxil, cause this Zoloft does not do anything but make me impossible to be around. Maybe I'll call my GP and tell her I'm not breastfeeding as much and I would like to switch back. First I'll have to call Clara's dr to make sure it's ok, but it should be cause Paxil has a short half-life and it won't accumulate in Clara's system. Or maybe I'll just stop taking meds and deal with my emotions as is. However eccentric they may be.
Ugh, I wish I had a money tree. That way I wouldn't have to go back to work. Wish I could work from home. Sigh.

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I told Jamie when I get a new job, I'll need some time away. Hmmm.

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I went to the auto dealershit today and they "put in" my radio. Doesn't mean they hooked it up correctly, though. Jerks. We were in there almost 2 hours. Clara was getting Rowdy! She threw her nunu and as I bent over to pick it up, she farted so loudly!!! Ugh.
I cleaned up (or rearranged, rather) the den. Clara didn't really want me to do that either. Jamie was extremely nice to me and even kissed me on the lips last night. And touched my boob. Whatever.
I still have not heard back from my cousin, who was supposed to help me get a job at the hospital, so I guess I can forget that. On to plan B. What was plan B again?
We hooked up Clara's mobile onto her crib. One of the bunnies keeps falling down, though, so I'll have to glue it. It reminds me of when she was first born and I get all mushy. 6 months...the fastest 6 months ever! I love my little girl so much (toe muck!)
I need to talk to Renee and apologize one more time about my ugly comment 2 years ago. It strained our relationship and the fact I feel guilty about it doesn't help. The topic about PPD on the debate board made me think of this.
I have to get Jamie's birthday present. Slippers or Professer Longhair? He really really needs slippers, but Mardi Gras is here and we really need a Prof Longhair cd. Oh decisions!!!

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I just ordered the CD, but it will not be in by Friday. Oh, well. When it does come in, Jamie will be beside himself! He better had give me good good luvin. Or I will claim that CD as my own.

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Aughh! Why did I taken that freaking Excedrin on an empty stomach? I feel so doped up. I'll write more later.

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Took me that long...JJ. Not much has been going on. Tomorrow Jamie's mother :puke2: is coming to visit. Whatever. Wish me luck. Still no bd. I tried to restuff Clara's bunny, but it has freaking metal arms and I couldn't get them out. I think I may look for another animal with the same texture fur for her since she really seems to like it. I cut my Zoloft in half and I think it might be working ok. I haven't tried to hurt Jamie, so that's a good sign.
I'm hungry! ROAR!!
Clara's eyes are looking quite goopy, so I started up her eyedrops again. That is so hard to do. For one it's physically difficult to get them in. For two those Muthafuckas burn like nothing else. I know cause I put them in my eyes. I have a theory...if I have to put anything in my child, I should be able to put it in me too. Food, medicine, whatever. If I feed her something, I best be prepared to taste it. If I see something I have to do to her causes pain, I will do it to myself too just to see how I can make it better. That's just how I am, I guess.
I need to remember to cut her nails before she inflicts harm upon herself, though.

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I need somewhere to scream. Hold on.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cool. I feel better.

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I changed my topic name. Cause right now I am feeling woey. I have managed to make about 100 bucks on ebay so far, which is cool. I hate this whole staying up late thing I have started. I tried to get up earlier this morning then guess what? I went to nurse Clara and fell asleep and slept for 3 hours. STUPID. I am so pissed off at myself right now. I feel so completely worthless. I am just discusted at myself.
I really need to get my ass into gear. Life is too short to be a freaking waste of space like I have been lately.

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I posted this earlier on my birth board:

You don't need to read this novella if you don't want, I just really needed it off my chest. I know I coulda posted it in my journal on that board, but then it just feels like I'm rambling to myself.
100 dollars a week. That's all I need to make. I can do that with ebay, but NO Jamie wants to take off work one day next week so I can pest the hospital for a job. So that means I may still have to put Lu in daycare, which takes away from my check. And if I have to put her in daycare, I have to buy formula since my pumping skills suck, jarred food and diposable diapers. Not to mention the dr bills from being in a hospital daycare, where kids get rsv like a snotty nose.
Which means, I might as well work full time again! Just as I'm finally getting into a schedule and I promised Cathy I'd help her with the strawberries this year. She scheduled field trips, etc with the thought 2 people would be doing them. Plus, she's going to pay me! F!
I told him to kiss my bloody butt (yeah, AF is here which makes it worse) and if he wanted 400 dollars a month he could get a second job cause he doesn't do anything anyway. I try to clean, try to mind the yard, try to clean out the house and organize it, sell stuff on ebay which is an ass's pain, take care of Clara, etc. I make her food, she wears cloth diapers, he has never even SPOONFED HER!!! Plus he goes on about how I need to take a higher dose of Zoloft cause I'm losing my mind. Hell, Zoloft, Ativan is more like it.
So then, I said "What the hell do you do when you get home?" He says "Recuperate." I said "You don't even cut the grass" and he said "What It needs cutting?"
F!
Then I said "What about Clara's room? Fix it!" and he said "We need money first." I said "Don't even...you should have fixed that room a year ago."
It was always either too hot, too cold, too dusty, or he couldn't work cause I was in the house. So one night we left and what did he do? Ordered a pizza and watched TV. And last week I made a mistake and said "I heard about a cool site called pogo.com" Big Mistake.
He told me tonight I don't do anything. I said "Well, look what I have to work with. If we have to sell this house, too bad. It's a mausoleum. Like being in a dungeon all day long. I didn't want to move here anyway." I really don't care anymore. I need to light 3 candles...Our Lady of Perpetual Help cause I need it, St Jude cause my marriage is a hopeless cause and St Anthony so he can help me find my LOST MIND!
And if you read this, I owe you something big Lol

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Aaaaand I posted this on the PPD board. I thought it was too long after Clara's birth for me to still have PPD.

I think I am finally going to admit this is kicking my ass right now Lol
Let's see, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Angie. Clara is my little girl and she is 7 months old today.
It's hard to pinpoint just when this started, cause I've always had problems with depression/anxiety. I was finally put on Paxil in '00 and it worked wonders for me (except when I ran out and dr took his time refilling YIKES!). When I became pg I backed off, but my OB said it was OK to take them. However, once they were in my system, I only needed one every other day or so. And by my 3rd tri I weaned off completely so Clara wouldn't be born wding. My OB was ready to help me with PPD cause he knew my history and told me even before she was born to just say the word after I have her and I'll get treatment.
I made it 3 weeks and I was so proud of myself. But then I started worrying about going back to work and it all started back, pretty bad. My OB wasn't comfy putting me on Paxil due to my bfeeding, and wanted me to try Prozac or Zoloft. I opted for Z considering Pro makes me Insane! I have been on 20mg Z for 6 months and it has gotten worse.
I went back to work in Aug and it was nothing short of a nightmare, so I opted to quit. In that 3 weeks between giving my notice and leaving, my beautiful Mother passed away right before Christmas. Then, I didn't even get to say goodbye to my students because my boss told me to leave one day (before my last day) and please not return, just to be spiteful. Then there is the situation with my husband which is just not good. I'm not even going to get into whatever today's complaint may be. Thank God for Clara or I really don't know what shape I would be in. And my birth board. Those girls are amazing.
And LOOK I wrote my second novella today
It just goes on and on.
I'm just ready for this to stop. I am so tired of constantly feeling hopeless and worried and (yeah this is freaky) terrified Clara won't wake up every night when I pat her to sleep. And that fear has spread to my grandparents and other family members. Everytime DH leaves the house I worry he won't come home. I have to physically tell myself to stop worrying and stop being so bummed. It is ridiculous. To be honest the last time I was this depressed was in high school after my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and all that followed.
I would like to go back to the Dr this week and try to see if he'll let me get back on Paxil since I'm bfeeding less. Plus it has a very short halflife, so I don't understand what the big deal was. Dr Hale says it's OK .
Anyway, wish me luck...I'm off to read more posts and breathe a sigh of relief I'm not alone.

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Hmmm. Jamie and I got along so well today! Except he wanted the computer all day long LOL! I think my right boob has a blocked duct (sorry). It really sucks.
I'm going to try to make some new curtains tomorrow.
I hate AF. Wonder if she's causing the weirdness in my boob?
I am so sad. It makes me sad to see the Pope so frail. I noticed in the dove footage he is drooling. I wish I would have never seen it. It makes me sad. It reminds me of my mom. :cry:
Oh, well. God blesses us. In spite of all the sadness, there is so much more happiness. He takes care of us.

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Oh, I forgot to add. Clara is making a strange growling noise! It is so so funny! She also was blowing air on Jamie's face to wake him up, she held her own bottle and had her first ice cream today!
I dove my bog, buddiful girl toe muck!!!!

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OH! One more thing. There were some kids in NO who got in trouble with the SPCA for hurting animals at school. One girl threw a brick at a kitten :evil:
She said she didn't think it would cause such a commotion and didn't see what she did wrong. The principal hasn't returned anyone's calls. I can't wait to see what happens. Those little bastards. They ill me, they really do.

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Let's see if I remember to edit out my siggy!!!!
NO!! I forgot again!!!

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What the heck is going on with my avatar? It won't work. Whatever. Boy things are going from bad to worse. Jamie and I had a great day yesterday until I got on here talking about personal stuff and he saw. Now he's being a terd saying how dissapointed he is in me. Is this freaking high school and is he my daddy? Hell no. He can kiss it for all I care. Now my spirit is broken. To bits. Whatever.
And I'm sick of how people go on about my spoiling Clara. She is my child and if I want to love on her I will!!! And if she doesn't want to go to people who could care less about knowing her that is her choice.
Now I have to figure out what's going on with my avator.

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I am hungry! What horrible fattening indulgent food am I going to have tonight? Only 2 more nights to indulge and then it will be hard work for me. I don't know what I'm going to do for Charity this year! Usually I am in charge of the St Jude fundraiser, but since I'm no longer working, I guess I can hang that up. I have a box of crap for St V de P, but in my opinion that does not count. Maybe I'll do something for the ACS in my Mother's name. Gosh, what I wouldn't give to have her hugs right now. Mom! I need you!!! But I know you're around here somewhere in the midst of all these orbs haha! I love you, Mommy.
Those poor girls on my birth board are going to find me and shoot me for starting the national orb hunt. How funny is it, though, I'm usually searching for the little hidden things and miss the big obvious stuff? Isn't it supposed to be the opposite? Am I talking to myself again???
Well, Pahn is sleeping so I really should get started on her cupid wings. I got a plastic net-thing and some big pink and white feathers at Hobby Lobby to make her wings. I have a little septor with a heart at the end for her arrow and I need to make a bow. I will also make her a 1920's style feather thing for her hair. AND! And I got her a Mardi Gras hairband and septor (well, it's a pen, but it kicks ass) so she can take Mardi Gras pics. If we can't afford to get pics done right now, I'll do them myself!
Ooh! Highlights of the Superbowl halftime show! Too bad I missed it. JAMIE! Hiss.
Uh...Clara's up!

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That was odd. Maybe she had a nightmare.

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Where is the freaking mailman??? I am ready to get out of this dungeon!!! And I have to call the dr and I have to get these packages out and I have to fold the clothes and I have to wash out my crockpot and I have to make groceries and I need to stop right now cause I could keep it up.
The cats all scattered and I thought the mail was here, but no. They're just stupid.
I was a bad girl yesterday and did not get my ashes. But I did ok with fasting. I had some bread at noon, mind you it was a big hunk, and I made it till 5 then I had a creme drop and 5 crackers cause I was so shaky. Then Jamie got home and scarfed down everything within reach. It was ok...after sundown it's fine.
Clara is being nutty and DeeDee is being an ass. What stage of the moon is it? Oh! She is kicking the computer! What a terd! Hmmm, I need to try the cloth dipes again today. Just another random thought.

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SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT CRIPES!!!
I don't WANNA go back to work!!! I don't want to put Clara in some horrible redneck daycare cause that's all that's around here and I want to be with her! This is so not fair and...maybe I should explain.
Today Jamie made a payment on the credit card. Seems like we rang up 1000 dollars since December 30. Mind you, it was mostly groceries and gas. 100 was ebay shipping, which is already paid, and 30 was Jamie's b-day. What else? Some was Jamie's asthma meds, and his visit to the specialist, 60 was for my jeans and socks. 80 was for pizza, which is not bad considering Jamie used to want pizza like twice a week and he gave it up for Lent so no worryies there. OK. So I said I would cut the grocery budget in half. But apparently that is not enough. Will my help during berry season really be enough? How long before I snap from hearing how spoiled my child is.
And that's not all. I didn't tell Jamie this. Since Mom passed away and I have to sign the farm's bank note now, I will have to pay inheritance tax. And what the hell do I have to show for it? A hunk of uninhabitable farm land that could be reposessed any year. I went into the scary room today and despite all the lizards and spiders in there I hung out for a little while and just cried my eyes out. I said to God, I said,"I know You're here. I know You can hear me. I need a miracle. I know You're showing me what to do, but please help me see it!" And I cried like an idiot. If I wasn't breastfeeding, I swear I could drink myself into oblivion. Damn it, I have such awesome ideas, but I am so friggin lazy!! I am terrified of people! Can I possibly look at my precious child and tell her, Mommy loves you and wants to be at home with you, but she is too lazy to try and make it work.
Today I gave her some cereal not to eat, but to play with. And she had a ball. Will daycare people do that? Nope. Will they listen to her cry because her little teeth are hurting and actually be sympathetic and loving? I doubt it. I know cause I worked in a preschool for 5 years. It's a job and teachers have bad days. I don't want to even give my baby the remote chance of being mistreated, even slightly.
Plus I will have to give up my wonderful breastfeeding!! That very thought brings tears to my eyes as we speak. I won't be able to pump because pumping at my last job nearly wiped out my supply. It will cost more for us if I work than if I stay home! For a measly 400 or 500 dollars a month! That's ALL!
And wtf! Jamie does his job, comes home and does nothing. He won't help take care of the house or yard. He worked PT after his regular work when he wanted extra money once. Why can't he do it again? Is it selfish of me to want that?
I would be ok with working on weekends, but then I have to leave Clara with him and I know nothing will get done. I am so frustrated!!!
I hope tomorrow I will be able to clear my mind. I doubt it. I'm sure it will just be another day. I have to go to the post office. I have a package to pick up. Hope it's something nice, but it's probably a box of Priority boxes. But I can hope.
And my Aunt Too called today. Seems the Aunt pile is decsending upon us Sat night. I'm gonna need a couple shots of bourbon before I go. Poor Clara. This is gonna throw her way off!!! And then in-laws the next day. Oh, geez.
Whoops, she's crying. Gotta go.

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Ok. I am gonna hold my breath now and count to ten. I didn't mean for this journal to become one big rant.
If things got any worse, it would be cause someone died and I pray that doesn't happen. Oh wait. It did. My friend from childhood ate cyanide while working in his thesis for his phd. Of course, that was days ago, but it still makes me sad.
How was my Valentine's day? Well, I was trying to be a sweet wife and reorganize the white trash looking area I call a dining room for Jamie. I spent all day trying to find a better place for his speakers, etc, but guess what? He got home from work and 1. ignored me completely and 2. when he finally spoke it was to bitch about everything I did. Then he couldn't help me with Pahn tonite. Oh wait, that's everynight. Then I tried to clean up the gray room to free up some space and boxes. I didn't expect any help...until...
I debated on getting him to help me clean out the fridge pan but then said no, he can relax and play his stupid alchemy and I'll move the ceder robe against that wall (cause the back of the fridge is in a closet in the gray room. don't ask.) and this weekend I'll move it up and clean out the pan. Big lousy mistake to say the least.
I try to move the ceder robe and immedietly a leg breaks off it. Piece of shit. So then I manage to move it almost there and I'm panting and cussing and hating my husband cause he can't pry himself off the couch to see if I need help (I'm not asking after all) and then he finally comes in there. "Uhhh, you need help?" I said "IT"S ABOUT TIME! NO I DON'T NEED ANY FU(K!NG HELP!! GO BACK IN THE OTHER ROOM!! DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED HELP???" "Well, uhhhh, all you had to do was ask." "WELL! YOU SHOULD HAVE THE COMMON DECENCY TO GET UP AND SEE IF YOUR WIFE NEEDS HELP MOVING HEAVY BROKEN SH!TTY FURNITURE!!!!!!"
So he left. And I cussed even more.
"MOTHERFU(K!NG SH!T IN THIS SH!TTY PIECE OF SH!T ROOM!!! IT NEVER GETS USED BUT HE FU(K!NG HAD TO HAVE IT. PROBABLY COST A WHOLE MONTH OF MY SALARY BUT HE JUST LETS IT ROT IN HERE AND GET IN MY WAY AND THIS STUPID CEDER PIECE OF SH!T NEEDS TO BE TURNED INTO FU(CK!NG FIREWOOD CAUSE THAT'S ALL IT'S GOOD FOR!" On and on I went. Pulling every muscle in my body moving that robe. So Mr Goofy comes back in and chuckles at me and says "Well what are you trying to do?"
I had to stop, the robe kinda fell against the wall and he immedietly knew he made a mistake.
"What. Does. It. LOOK LIKE I'M FU(K!NG DOING??? MOVING THIS STUPID SH!T AGAINST THE DAMN WALL TO GET IT OUT OF MY WAY!!!!!!" So he attempted to "help". Which was very helpful might I add. Then he pretty much stood back and watched me struggle more. Then he tried to touch me. I think I scratched him. So he went to bed while I took some Advil cause I'm gonna be hurting tomorrow. In many more ways than one.

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This is part II. The first post got so long.
My heart is breaking. I am so torn. I love Jamie so much more than even life itself, but I can't do this any longer. I am getting back on Paxil to see if that helps me, but I think our problems run much deeper than my mental conditions. What couple goes as long as we do without bd? And he could care less. He expects things to happen without having to work for them. He exoects this house to take care of itself, for the yard to cut itself, and for me to do everything else. And when I don't do the dishes or wash the clothes...it makes me a bad housekeeper. I get smirked at when my Dad talks about what a horrible housekeeper Mom was like I am the same.
I heard something yesterday. If you hold a glass of water for a minute it won't hurt you. After an hour your arm will start to hurt pretty badly. After a whole day you will probably need to go to the hospital. Imagine what a burden will do to you after a month or a year or even years! I told him this an you know what he said...Well, were you holding the glass like this? He just doesn't get it! He is such a genius and he just doesn't get the simplest, most obvious thing in the world! Jamie and Angie are in trouble!!!
If I had a strong, good-paying job right now, I would leave him. I would find a small, sweet apartment and I would decorate it just for me and Pahn and he would have to make an effort to come visit if he wanted to see us. I don't think we would see him often! Do you? He can have this house and Hambone, LA and he could have the furniture except what came out of my Mom's house and he would just have to see what life is like. He would feel completely abandoned just like I feel right now. If it weren't for Pahn, my life would be empty. I would have no reason to live. And I love life. So that's a shame.
But then part of me wants to take it up the rear cause I don't want the people I love sad or miserable. What if something happened to him? How would I feel knowing some of my last words to him were "You stupid, aggravating bastard!"? When did I become so heartless?
So I have nothing standing between me and Pahn leaving except that I don't have a job. When I get one, if things aren't looking up, we're off. I have nothing here. I don't really even have a marriage anymore. And as much as I didn't want Clara to go through this like I did, and as much as I believe marriage is a lifetime commitment (just like Mater and Grandad's) I can't do this anymore. Maybe I'm not the person for him. I'm certainly afraid he's not the person for me. I do so desperatly want to have a wonderful marriage, but I can't do it alone.

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OK. We're geting along as of yesterday. There have been no ill words at all! It has been wonderful. I even made pancakes tonight. And he didn't complain they weren't enough like his mother's. Dang, bro! How bout that?
My dr appt went very well. She was very awesome and actually kept asking me questions. We were in the exam room a good 15-20 min! I hate when Drs rush you in and out. She gladly put me on my Paxil, but then, gulp, she had to do the exam. :oops:
I have a very angry anus. I have to take senna twice daily and do a supp every night before bed. In three weeks I go back to see if I have anemia/ thyroid problems and see if the supps are working. I think this whole experience reaffirms my belief the rectum is definitly an exit, not an entrance.
Poor DeeDee got locked in the sunroom for 4 hours the other night. When I finally figured out what happened and let him out, he was all purrs and his nose was scratched and bloody from trying to get out. What the hell? Glad I didn't leave him in there all night! He might not have a face left!
Don't know what's on the plate for tomorrow. I need to get rid of some piles. Cheers, y'all!!!

angielily's picture
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Last seen: 5 years 2 weeks ago
Joined: 03/11/03
Posts: 287

Whoa dawggie!! Has it really been three days since we fought like maniacs? I can't believe it! Holy Damn!
JJ stayed home from work today and GULP we had a great day together. We were KIND to each other all day! I am actually SORRY to see him go to work tomorrow. I love getting along cause we really are amazing friends. YAY!

angielily's picture
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Last seen: 5 years 2 weeks ago
Joined: 03/11/03
Posts: 287

Wow! Has it been so long??? Would anyone care to hear how it ends???
D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here, read this, the most recent myspace blog entry:

It started innocently enough.

I planned to clean out the house; moving things around, so Clara can finally have a room to call her own. Not so hard, I just have to switch on the organizational channel in my brain and work my magic. Been there, done that. It's time to get busy and throw out a bunch of shit.

This past week I moved the living room contents to the dining room area. It was done in a couple of hours and Clara was so excited to help. She kept walking into the former living room, littered with boxes and toys and clothes and a bunch of other stuff that needs a place to call home, and saying "Dis my room? Dis my princess room?" Her excitement was evident and so inspiring! I wanted nothing more than to deliver her perfect room right then and there. I had planned to work on everything this weekend and get her a room!

I knew what needed to be done first. I would go into the gray room (storage catch-all number 1) and move boxes around to make room for more. I'd also slide Clara's mattress out and set everything up. Easy, right????

Nope.

I go in and assess the task at hand. We're talking about 2 years of shit thrown in there so as not to deal with it. When I went back to work, and had Clara to take care of as well, I simply didn't have time, or energy really, to keep it organized. The amount of pointless shit in this house is overwhelming. And I'm going to have to move out soon! Won't that be a nightmare!!!!

I just decided to jump in and start. Anything was better than nothing. But then something happened I have never had to deal with to such an extent, and therefore didn't expect. Every time I'd open a box to see the contents, every time I'd move one thing and something else was revealed, it would bring back such a painful rush of memories and sadness, I would begin to cry. I found baby clothes I thought I would be able to use again, and the trampoline I bought when I was pregnant to stay in shape. I saw the Bible I received when I converted to Catholicism with a rare show of support from Jamie and books we purchased because they seemed so important to have at the time, but have long since been forgotten. A blanket I planned to make for Clara to use at naptime was under her cradle and postal boxes were stacked in one corner from those beautiful days when I stayed at home with my new baby, and wanted so desperatly to sell things on ebay so I wouldn't have to go back to work and leave her. All of Jamie's comic books still take up too much space, but so do all the rubbermaid boxes filled with the things I used in my preschool classroom. All over, remains of Clara's babyhood; bittersweet reminders of how time does not wait for us to get our lives together, to live the way we so naively dreamed we would...or could. Reminders of how quickly, easily and unexpectedly things fall apart--marriages, homes, families, friendships, lives.

Finally I found what would break me, maybe one of the saddest, sweetest things of all--the first and only Mother's Day card I got from Clara...and probably the only one I will ever get, until she is old enough to buy them herself. I couldn't help myself. I began to sob and got out of the room as fast as I could, bumping into things because I couldn't see through my tears, leaving it hardly tidier than I found it. The job is not done. Something tells me it will never get done.

I'm not at a point now where I can cherish. I want everything to be away from me, or me away from it. I want to see it all destroyed, eliminated, so I don't have to feel the pain of running across it. I want the job to do itself...to be able to wake up one morning and see everything in it's proper place. Although I know it is not possible, I do not stop wishing. And I do not stop hurting. Still, I am crying.

I will never stop crying.