I figured I would start this to kind of get some stuff out of my brain. Oh! If only I had Dumbledore's pensieve!! There's so much happening right now and the holidays made it, dare I say, worse. What sucks is that it was Clara's first Christmas and I feel like I didn't make it as good as it should have been. It all started in the middle of November...
...one day at work the bossbitch was out of town, or I overheard she would be oot while pumping in the rat-infested storeroom. So I told Ms B who suggested she sneak out and get us all Burger King. Well, the secretary (yeah! that's all you are stupid woman, you don't own the freaking school!!!) got pissed at us and RATTED! That started a chain reaction which lead to me putting in a notice to leave work. Then my Mother passed away after being sick for over 10 years. I still do not feel I properly cried. I feel like I have so much sadness in me, and I just can't tap into it. Like when I'm pumping and my milk won't let down. In a way I've been without her for so very long! In a way I have mourned her passing for years before it happened, yet it doesn't seem real. I'll never see her again. I didn't even look at her in her casket so it feels like maybe she wasn't even in there. I remember at the funeral I walked up to the casket with Clara to say goodbye. I touched the casket as I held her. I know it looked dramatic, but I wasn't doing it for effect, though I made many people cry and fall silent. Clara will not even know someone who would have given her everything in the world. What the hell did my mother do to not even get to see her grandbaby?? Nothing, not a damn thing! She was a wonderful person and it just ain't fair. And why do I have to live without my mother? I need her! I have needed her for the last decade and now there is NO HOPE she'll ever come back to take care of me!! Oh, well. She is at so much peace now, with Mamaw and Charles and sweet Jesse-boy.
So now I'm stuck with no Mom and no job and things are soooo strained between me and Jamie. Ever since Clara was born (not blaming her, of course.) it has been so different. I guess it's getting better if not for the 7 month+ lag in our freaking sex life! What married couple does not have sex for so long? It really bugs me, but not him. Why? What is it about that is so repulsive to him? Shit.
Well, I'm starting to feel a little better.
Munkie! Daughter of the Jungle