I finally decided to go ahead and write it all here...at least for now. I just need some kind of place to vent. And I feel like I've vented enough over on my baby's birth board. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I must sound like an idiot: we're on again...now it's off again. I'm getting a divorce. No, maybe not. Now we're back together. I'm sure we can work this out. After all, why wouldn't he want to, too...right? How is it possible that we can start out so happy and so much in love, and just know without a doubt that it is so "right"? And yet, he's not even that same person anymore. Or is he? Did I just not know who he really was all this time? It was so easy, before he got out of the military and we had all this money to spend. We didn't have any kids yet, so we were free to come and go as we pleased; do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. But now, everything's changed. Not that I'm unhappy about that. I'm not. Actually, I feel more fulfilled and know that I have truly realized my dream of becoming a mother. I love my kids more than anything in the entire world. Heaven only knows I'd kill tigers for them...
So what happened to my husband? What happened to the person that I married, when the going got tough? And how can he decide that what we both believed in one day is not true or necessary the next? How is it that he could give me the sweetest cards with the most loving messages, flowers, and so much love and affection...and now he can't even muster up the words "I love you", without my practically begging him? He's so full of anger and hate. He's become so cruel. How did that happen? I don't get it. I keep wanting so badly to believe that it's all going to get better again; go back to the way things were. I keep thinking that must be what he wants to. I've been killing myself, trying so desperately hard to do whatever it takes to make things better. Thinking what I can do to improve myself; give him what he needs, be more patient, be more in control of my emotions, give him the space he needs, and try to understand what he wants. So why isn't that reciprocated, and why is it that one of the things that I always wanted most in life has blown up in my face? All I ever wanted was to just be a happily married wife and mother. I didn't want the moon. I didn't ask for perfection. I don't care a hoot about money or things. Heaven only knows I never spend a thing on myself. I just wanted to be loved, and to love back. I hurt so bad, I can hardly breathe....
I've been ignoring him, lately. I guess I figure that if I can kind of tune him out, and avoid all interaction as much as possible, maybe it won't hurt so much. Ofcourse, that just makes him even madder, though. He called yesterday (7 times in a row on my cell phone before he finally called my mom and dad's number) to complain about it. It's like he just doesn't get it. Duh! I want to get over you and move on with my life!! The problem is, ofcourse, that I can't really, until this stupid nightmare of selling the house is finally over!! It's been more than a week now, since we were supposed to hear from the judge whether or not we got approval to let the sale go through, and FINALLY get the money for it, so we can quit paying mortgage on a house we no longer live in, AND rent money for the townhouse. What a stressor!! I borrowed money (as much as I hate to) from my mom today, so that the car payment due a week ago wouldn't bounce, since I finally mailed it. I found out though, as soon as I made the deposit and got the bank statement back, that 2 more transactions had already gone through by the time I got there. So, we were already overdrawn, and the mortgage payment bounced. I get paid tomorrow, so I can resolve that. But, it will take almost my whole paycheck. I told all this to David and he got mad because I paid the bills. Well, sorry, but I hate not paying them. It makes me so furious at how much money he spends on stupid stuff all the time. That, to me, is the REAL problem!! If he would quit buying guns (that he doesn't even tell me about 'til AFTER he's already spent the money), and a new cell phone and accessories, two new pairs of shoes (he only really needed one pair for work), a new digital camera, a new notebook computer, a new leather jacket, etc., etc., etc. we wouldn't be in such a mess!! I am so tired of it. I can't wait 'til we get the house money and I can open up a separate account for my half, that he can't touch. And here he is, lately, talking about buying ATV's, a boat, and a new truck or SUV as soon as he gets the money. What a dork. Talk about a difference in our priorities!! He loves material things so much, he isn't willing to sacrifice for now, so that we can decrease our cost of living, to focus on being together as a family; instead of shuffling our kids back and forth to babysitters so that I can work full time. It's so aggravating. He just doesn't get it.....any of it.
Daniel has had such increased separation anxiety. It kills me to see how it has affected him. Oh, I love that little guy more than anything! He is SO cute!! He has the most darling personality!! Man, he is the most independent little thing, and as stubborn as a mule. He cracks me up. His favorite word lately is "NO!", as in I'm going to do this anyway, even though I know it's a "NO-NO!"
Savannah is such a contrast in nature. She is so far the epitomy of lady-like behavior, very dainty, calm, patient, and sweet. Her smiles are like sunshine.
For some reason, this computer keeps putting double posts on here. It's kind of messed up; I keep having to hit refresh.
I forgot to mention that Daniel's vocabulary has been exploding. He now says "thank you", and he is making animal sounds when we read books. He now really enjoys being read to, finally, which is so much fun. He was saying Moo, and meow
Well, I think that maybe the healing process has begun. At least, it helps that David seems to have accepted at last that I am really serious about a divorce. Now, if only I could get my heart to move on, too. Oh, well....
He called me on Thursday evening, when my parents and I were at the Lagoon Amusement Park with the kids. We decided kind of on a whim to go there, since it was "Stake Lagoon Day", and so we could go on some free rides and stuff. We were disappointed with the weather, however. We got soaking wet in the rain. I was able to take Daniel on two rides; the train--where he got to see some really cool animals, including tigers, lions, cougars, and deer, etc., and the merry-go-round. I got a picture of us on that. We had just sat down to watch the musical show, and the downpour began. We beat it out of there, and headed for shelter. It was then that my cell phone rang. What great timing. Anyway, he asked how the kids were, so I filled him in. (They're fine.) He made a comment about how I wasn't being very sociable on the phone. That's when I told him: why should I be sociable with someone I'm going to be divorcing soon? I guess that really spelled it out for him. He was kind of like..."OK".....
Y'know, as much as I've analyzed our relationship and our problems to death, I finally kind of summed it up for myself in a few words: "we have completely (incompatible) different priorities." My focus and what matters most to me is my kids (and would have been him, if he'd been the man he should have been). His priorities are money, materialistic things, and having FUN, with no strings attached. Well, I guess I'm cutting the strings.
I took Daniel over to the townhouse yesterday, to see his daddy. We were on our way back from the bank (depositing what little money I could, so that we didn't bounce the mortgage a second time and the car payment, and still have something to live on for the next 10 days). We were driving right by the exit, so I figured that we might as well stop by. I feel bad, because I know Daniel has really missed his daddy. He's really had some bad separation anxiety. Anyway, David was glad to see him, too. We took him on the playground, and he had part of his icecream sandwhich, and had a blast. David started telling me all about the ATV he wants to buy (when he has the money).
He's taking Daniel to the air show tomorrow, at Hill Airforce Base. It should be fun. I just hope Daniel is good for him, and that he gets enough to eat, and a nap at some point. He's so super irritable when he's sleep deprived! I guess my BIL and SIL and nephews are going with them. Somehow, I am not surprised. I think it was always a HUGE deal if we ever did something just by ourselves. Not that I really care that much. If anything, it will be good for Daniel to have his cousins there, to help entertain him.
I really hate this computer with its stupid dp problems!
Oh...and I forgot to mention: we got a court date to finally get permission to sell the house!! Yea!! A faint light at the end of the tunnel!! It is kind of a long tunnel, though. The date is July 12th. So then, at last we will finally be able to push the sale through (we don't know of any reason why the judge wouldn't say otherwise, since that's what the trustee wants), and be able to move on with life. We have to see now, though, if we can collect some rent money from the prospective buyers that are living in our house, since we'll still have to come up with one more mortgage payment (groan). Then, the kids and I will be able to move into the townhouse, David can get his own place, I'll be able to afford a divorce attorney, and finally have the money to set aside for rent 'til next year, so that I can cut down my hours to part time. Two shifts on, five off. I'll finally be able to have somewhat of a more "normal" life, without my kids being bounced back and forth to babysitters like ping-pong balls. I'll finally be able to have enough time off to start a regular exercise routine, and to go on some little daytrips with the kids this summer, and spend more time at home, and maybe be a little more organized, and feel a little less crazy, trying to keep up with everything. Yea, yea, yea!!!!
David was up here yesterday. He came in the morning, about an hour after I got off work. It gave me time to pack the diaper bag and a lunch for each of them to take. I made sure I put sunblock in, since I knew it would be hot, and Daniel would be outside all day. David came and picked him up right after he had his breakfast. Daniel was really excited. He kept saying "Daddy!" (in his best toddler way). They went to Hill Airforce Base, to see the air show. I then got Savannah ready for church and fed her, and sent her off with my mom. I finally went to bed. About 4 hours later, David returned with our son. Daniel was a little sunburned, but not too bad. He had three toy airplanes, and David said he had a great time, although he was a little scared of the jets. David stayed for dinner and he played with Savannah and held her. He said he wanted to take both of them to see his mom and sisters for lunch on Tuesday. That's fine with me, but I have to have her back to be able to nurse her, so she can't be gone TOO long. I hate to give her too many bottles. I don't want to go through the nursing strike she went through recently, again. While we were on the computer yesterday, Daniel walked in and showed us two Ibuprofen tablets he had sucked the coating off of!!!! OH, CRAP!! We immediately called Poison Control. I had taken three Ibuprofen for a migraine I had (due to sleep deprivation). I guess I wasn't careful enough, though, and I left the bottle on the counter, where he could reach up, with the lid not on tight enough. We counted the remaining tablets. There were 88. The full bottle originally had 100, but when I took the three earlier, it was NOT a new bottle; so some had already been used. In fact, I remember a couple of weeks ago, taking two out for a headache that David had, when he was up. So, we figured that the most he could have taken was 7. However, we kind of doubt that he actually did. Probably some more doses had been taken by someone, previous to that. We also thought it was probably a good sign that he had handed us the two he had. He probably thought they were gross. Usually, if he finds something he wants to eat, he does NOT show it to me. If anything, he usually tries to hide it, so I won't take it away. Anyway, the poison control person said that it would take 11 pills to cause toxicity in him. She had asked how much he weighed. She said that he would probably be ok, but to give him a snack and make sure to give him plenty of fluids to drink. She said it could be irritating to his stomach, so food would help. It's excreted through the kidneys. So we gave him a graham cracker and milk. He liked that. He didn't act like anything bothered him at all. I think he's ok, but boy did I learn my lesson!!!
Well.....while I was on here, David just called. He spent more than I told him we had to spend. Great!! I was so ticked, because I told him exactly how much he could use. I only used $10 for gas. That's it!! I let him have $40. I am assuming that the car payment and mortgage payment will go through today, and we CANNOT afford to have them bounce!!! I am so mad. He says he's gonna borrow $100 from his parents (which I hate doing), and he wanted to know if I could go get it. I groaned at this (his parents are a 45 minute drive one way, plus the drive to the bank, and I am almost out of gas. I have to work in 7 hours (a twelve hour graveyard shift), and I really need a nap. I still feel so tired from so little sleep yesterday, and Savannah kept waking me up all night to nurse. So, I didn't say no, but I really didn't like the idea. Yeah, I know he's at work, so it's hard for him to do. But he's the one that got us into this mess!! Oh, sometimes I could just scream! Well, he hung up, like he didn't want to hear me complain about it. So, now I don't quite know what to do. I guess I should go, but I hate to!!
Yesterday was kind of rough. I got four hours of sleep post graveyard shift. Then I fed Savannah, and I went to hand her back and say hi to my son, but I ended up helping take care of the kids, and Savannah decided that she would not take her aftenoon nap, so she kept me up for the rest of the day, until bedtime. Daniel was a real pill, too. He woke up way early that morning and so was rather grouchy. He climbed on top of the table after dinner, and was trying to grab (and throw) all the food that was left! On the other hand, I melt everytime he follows me down the hall like a little lost puppy. I love that he wants to stay with me, wherever I go.
I was relieved to see that the mortgage payment went through, (finally!), and I had to put out another fire with our realtor, who said that the city was threatening to shut off the water to the house, since the city wouldn't let the home buyers put the utility bill in their name yet, and I'd closed our account. So, I reopened it so they could go pay it.
I was surprised that David didn't call all day. It was supposed to be his day off, and he'd talked about coming to get the kids for a while. So, I called him on my way to work that night. He said he had been "busy"; "sorry." Whatever. In a way I kind of like having the kids just stay where they are. I think Daniel especially does better with the consistency. But on the other hand, I feel bad that he doesn't see his daddy as much as he probably needs. (Sigh). My poor babies....I hope someday they'll understand.
I'm excited for tomorrow. My cousin is getting married, and so it will be a fun day. I love getting together with my cousins, since we all grew up together in the same neighborhood. We're all really close.
Last Thursday, Daniel went to a baseball game with his daddy, and I went to my cousin's wedding reception. The reception was nice. Daniel got back really LATE from the game (which I knew he would, I just had to deal with it, and hope he'd be able to catch up on his sleep over the next few days). He was so tired, he cried all the way home. I had more mixed emotions, seeing David; (I always do).
Sunday, Daniel went to the nursery at church, and he made David a cute little framed picture of himself with little animals and his name on it, for Father's Day. It was really cute. I had him "call" David's cell phone, and leave a "Happy Father's Day" message. But, I was surprised not to hear from him all weekend. Usually that's his time off. I called him this morning, just to make sure he was still alive. He said he'd been working overtime, all weekend, long hours. I asked him if he'd gotten anything for his dad, for Father's Day. He said "no." I asked if he was going to. He said "no, probably not." I said "why?". He said that "it didn't change anything....and that he hadn't even talked to his parents or seen them Sunday, anyway. I was kind of shocked. He and his family have a very good relationship. It's very weird. Then came the bombshell. I told him how I'd talked to the realtor lately, about if we could ask the home buyers to pay any rent, since now we're paying rent and mortgage both this month, but the realtor said probably not, because the trustee would just take it, anyway. He said that the best thing to do would be just to not pay the mortgage this month, and let the company know that the house was under contract, anyway, so it could just be added on to the final pay-off. Well, next thing I know, David says he's mad that the realtors are taking a bigger percentage now, than they were going to, originally, and so now HE DOESN'T WANT TO SELL THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could just scream! I'm so embarassed, too. The realtor is a close family friend. He originally was going to give us a really good deal, and take less than he usually does. But this whole thing has ended being a nightmare, and caused him a LOT of extra work. It was really our fault for not looking into things more carefully. We're the ones that messed up. I'm not sure what to do, but I've got to talk to him again about this, and I HAVE got to make sure this deal goes through. Everything will be such a wreck, if it doesn't!!
I started Savannah on rice cereal. She makes the funniest faces with it, and she still spits most of it right back out, but that's ok. She's learning. She squeals and makes the cutest sounds now, and plays with toys. She is growing up SO fast!! She's so cute!!!! Both my kids make every day worth living!!
I guess I need to update, again. Well, the house issue will only be an issue for 15 more days. Then, it will finally be behind us once and for all. David finally got past his most recent frustration over it. Anyway, he is down to two possibilities now, as to where he'll be living: it looks like downtown/the avenues, with a place he can keep our dog, Jackson. I'm kind of glad he's keeping him. I really didn't want to give him up...and I think Daniel will like having him to play with when he goes over there. Daniel and David went to the zoo last Thursday. They had a lot of fun, but Daniel missed his nap, and then he went all crazy when David tried to leave. He screamed and cried and clung to him. He wanted to go back outside again, SO BAD!! He loves the outdoors like nothing else in the world. And I feel so bad that he feels torn apart by our separation. It makes me so sad. Yesterday went a lot better, though. I took the kids to the park to see their dad, and we played with Daniel on the playground, and he got really brave this time, going down the slides by himself. When it was time to leave, he was actually really good about it. Then today, my Dad and I took the kids to Union Station, and we looked at all the trains, model trains, antique cars, and precious gem stones. It was a fun museum. Daniel loved the model trains. I could tell that it had made a big difference being home all weekend long with him. He was a lot more anxious to be with me, instead of clinging to my dad. I was really happy about that; it made me feel even more validated that I feel so strongly like I should be there as much as possible for my kids. And as hard as it is sometimes, I know that I'd rather be there with them, than anywhere else on earth. I love them SOOOO much!!
I got paid Friday. I got a call later that same day from David, informing me that he'd just withdrawn almost the entire paycheck amount from our account. I couldn't believe it!!!!!!!!!!! Then, he decided not to pay his tuition with it, yet, and to wait 'til next pay day. So, now I've had to tell him to put some of it back in the account, to pay bills and allow me to put gas in my car and buy diapers. I had to go to work Friday at 3am (since we had a low census and I split the shift), and David had taken my car to take Daniel to the zoo, since he didn't have the other car seat. Well, I told him to put gas in it, and put some money in the bank. He never did either one. So, I barely make it to the end of the street to the gas station, and then to my disbelief, I can't use my debit card there because we're overdrawn!! I was SO furious!! I had to drive all the way back home and wake up my parents to borrow their car. I know I have to get a different bank account; I've just been waiting 'til we get the money from the house, since it will be deposited there. Honestly, though, I am so frustrated!!! I guess I just need to get meaner!!
Man, has it been a crazy last few days!! Daniel got sick with the stomach flu, and threw up all over in the car. It smells really awful in there, now. He has not been sleeping well, the last few nights, either. I think it's because it's been SOOOO hot!! It feels like 110 degrees in the shade. I bought him a little kiddy pool, and he liked splashing around in that. He's been so cute the last couple of days, doing funny things. Now, whenever he gets a bump, or an "owie", he kisses the part of him that got hurt, and then he kisses the inantimate object that hurt him. He "helped" me do the dishes yesterday; he dragged the stepping stool over to the kitchen sink, and put it next to me, so he could help rinse the dishes. He liked to drink the water out of some of them, too, though, so a few ended up getting washed a couple of times.
Savannah has been adorable--she is getting more and more vocal all the time. She squeals and "talks" so loud and so much that we have nick-named her the "screecher-creature". The sad thing is, David has never heard her do that. He's missing out on so much!! I don't understand it. I've NEVER tried to keep him away from the kids--ever!! Yesterday, he had the day off, but he didn't bother to see them. He said he had "lots of homework, and (he had) to go look some more for a place to move to." Well, busy or not, I don't see why he couldn't have at least seen them briefly. I called him the morning that Daniel got sick, to let him know. He never even called back that evening, to see if he was feeling any better. Very strange.
I've been out walking, trying to get some exercise. I sure do want to lose some weight! I'm not giving up on that. I think it would really help my self-esteem.
Well, I better run.....it's going to be another busy day today!!