Independence Day was kind of quiet this year. My parents and I took the kids to the annual 4th of July Breakfast at our neighbors' yard. A lot of people from the church ward were there. It was fun. Then, David came and got both Daniel and Savannah this time, and took them to his family's barbecue. They came back with what looked like Christmas: blankets, clothes, toys....
The weird part was that my MIL called and said I was welcome to come down, too. I don't think that David has told his parents that we're getting a divorce. I sure don't want to be the one to tell them!
I should back up: the day before that, the kids and I went over to my BIL & SIL's apartment and went swimming at the pool. We had a very long talk. I learned a lot of things about David's past, that he had never told me. It was rather insightful. It was also kind of sad, and depressing. It kind of made things fit together a little bit better; things that he'd said, etc. It made me realize even more how mixed up he is, and how lost he is. But he has too much stubborn pride and selfishness to change, or deal with some of his issues that have caused him pain. It made me sad.
Yesterday, I took Daniel to the story hour at the library. Some of the stories were a little bit over his head; too old for him, but he liked the interactive songs inbetween. The kid has "the beat", we are always joking. He loves music more than any toddler I've ever seen before; dancing to everything from commercials to radio and videos, church music, etc. He's so darn cute.
Savannah has now rolled completely over from back to tummy. She's a pro at it now, and does it so fast! She giggled so cute when she got home, Tuesday. I think she missed me. I certainly missed her and her brother! On the other hand, it was kind of nice to get a little break....although I say that almost guiltily. I'd sacrifice anything for my kids. Daniel is loving his sister even more these days. It's so cute when he lays his head on her tummy. She smiles at him. They're going to be best friends, I think.
Wow!!! I can't believe it!! We have officially closed on the house, and we get the money today!!!!!!!! WHOOOO HOOOO!!!! The end of a very long, drawn-out nightmare has come to an end, at last!! This is such a HUGE relief!! I am so excited. It has been so incredibly stressful, and I have been so broke, I couldn't even buy a stick of gum, if I'd wanted to, practically.....
Last night, I finished getting the townhouse in order. It is all ready to move into, now. David says the soonest he can get his stuff out of there and leave is Saturday, since he works every single day this week. Fine, I can wait that much longer. I work an extra day this week and next week anyway, so it will be a busy time for me. He was a big help in getting stuff moved to the storage unit, and getting his stuff out of the way and in to some organized fashion, at least. I was very happy about that. He is still up to his same conniving, money-hungry tricks, though--he almost didn't sign on the house, because he wanted a certain amount out of it. We barely ended up getting that much. I was to the point where I just wanted it to be over with, and move on. We made some mistakes ourselves, in the whole deal. To me, that means learning from those mistakes, and moving on. But not to him. He still blames everyone else. He also mentioned the money that he wanted from me for the fridge I sold cheaper than he wanted to, and $20 I "owed" him, when I asked him for a little money, so that my rent check didn't bounce. Never mind the fact that HE's the one who's been living there, without paying a single dime!! Honestly, he's such a piece of work. Also, what about the fact that he hasn't bought any diapers or food for the kids, or anything else they need in a really long time. Except the culturelle. I'll give him that much. Whoopdee doo. He made some smart remarks about the fact that I took the kids to the park for lunch and the Tracy Aviary, and then to Wheeler Farms for a family reunion this weekend. He said how it must be nice having so much time off. Yeah, well, he took Daniel to Cherry Hills water park last week, himself. His point was again, that I just want time off so that I can "Sit around and do nothing"--those were his exact words. Excuse me??? So, being a mom is sitting around doing nothing???? What a jerk. I work so dang hard, he doesn't have a clue. Not to mention that I do work outside the home, just not full time anymore. I wanted to be there more for my kids. He'll just never get it.
Anyway, I'm off to the park again to take Daniel to the playground. Then I work tonight (a 12 hour shift at 7). I have changed diapers, fed both kids, got Savannah down for her nap, dressed Daniel, and brushed his teeth. I guess that's enough "sitting around doing nothing"....better go!!
I haven't written here or just about anywhere else for quite a while. I lost a lot of my down time at work, when all of the sudden our census exploded. (Imagine that, having to actually work!! Ha, ha. I'm just kidding, but seriously, it's like things just took off, and totally changed there. Which is probably just as well. Then I lost my internet access at home, when David took the computer. I hardly ever have a minute to get on at my mom and dad's house. Too busy!!! But tonight at work there are no babies at all...just one mom in L&D that will soon deliver.
Well, things have really calmed down a lot, and settled into a nice routine for me and my kiddos. We are finally all settled in our town house, with the rent all paid up 'til the end of the lease next year, so I'm now working only twice a week. Just what I wanted. Daniel has FINALLY adjusted for the most part to living there, and that was a major hurdle, what with his flare-ups of separation anxiety due to all the major changes already in his short little life, poor little guy. I went last week to see a divorce attorney that was recommended to me. I did like him. He went over everything thoroughly, and he actually showed some interest, unlike the last attorney I had to deal with. Anyway, I jumped over the next hurdle, which was to talk to David about child custody issues, and find out exactly what he wanted. I was kind of shocked to find out that he'd already consulted an attorney of his own a month earlier, but hadn't taken any action....just waiting for me. I think we might actually be able to work all of this out very quickly. The best part is, we both want the kids to live with me, permanently....no matter what happens to us in the future (moving out of state, or remarrying, etc.). Thank goodness for that. We also both agree that we don't want any rigid schedule set up on when he sees the kids; that's something we agree we'd prefer to work out between the two of us. So far, that's been working out really well. We've already divided up all the assetts, so there's really not much left to it, I guess. Now I just have to get back in touch with my attorney, so that I can ask him a few more questions, and then get it all going, so we can both really move on completely, with our lives.
The kids and my parents and I all enjoyed a vacation to California. We saw some fun things, including some stuff I'd never seen before. It was a little hectic and kind of rough at times with such a long drive with two very young children, but we all survived, and had some fun. The next week was really relaxing and great for me, because David took Daniel to Bear Lake for 4 days. I have to say, I did miss my little boy like crazy, but at the same time, I took advantage of it, and got a ton of stuff done, and caught up on some sleep and R&R. I still had Savannah, but she's such an easy little angel, I feel spoiled. I've also been exercising, running on my treadmill, and that feels good to know I'm really making a good effort to lose some post-baby weight.
All in all, I am moving forward, and things are a lot less stressful these days. The kids and I have gotten into a good routine. I take Daniel outside every day, dragging all of his balls and bats and golf clubs and tee, basketball stand, etc. while Savannah is napping. I sure hope he appreciates it. That kid lives for the outdoors, and is obsessed with sports already. I've been taking him for wagon rides, too. It's been good for both of us. I got my jogging stroller, too, finally, and I can't wait to get the air in the tires, so I can take the kids for evening runs. I really look forward to that. Life is pretty good. I do still get awfully sad and depressed sometimes, in the evenings when I feel so alone, and I still want to cry when I see pictures of David and I together. Man, I loved him so much....I guess I still do. At least, the memories are what makes it so tough. If I weren't absolutely sure that my reasons were justified, there's no way I could have ended it. I feel like he broke my heart into a million pieces. I gave him all the love in the world I ever had. But.....oh, well, life goes on, and thank goodness I have my two sweet babies. They are my absolute joy.
I went to my attorney's office to review and sign papers and give my retainer fee. Man, it's expensive! Everything seemed pretty much in order, save one small detail I realized later, with the parent time plan; I'll have to call and see if we can change one little part, just slightly. They need a little more detail info., by Monday that I have to find, and then they'll be officially moving ahead. DH has no idea. The last time, a few weeks ago when I talked about going ahead with a divorce, he kind of flipped out and started talking about marriage counselling again and debating me on all the old issues, and threatening that if I DID go ahead and get a divorce, and try to get sole custody, that he would totally fight me to the bitter end on it. He then asked me to divide up the kids' possessions (like cribs and dressers, etc.) or pay him half the value of those things. He said he wants to start taking them more, and have them live with him half the time now, etc. He finally got an apartment, and he's been getting settled there. Well, ofcourse I basically told him to get a reality check. Anyway..........with the irrational behavior and wacky challenges/threats, I decided that I would sort of let the action on my part sort of hit him over the head, so he doesn't start acting all weird again, until I've already made a motion to get temporary custody of the kids in the meantime. So, now he just thinks I've been stalling in separation limbo again and he's gone back to popping in to see the kids, or take Daniel off for an outing when it's convenient for him. Those are the true colors I know. He took Daniel to the Gateway Discovery Center for kids on Monday. He said they had a blast, and DS really loved the helicopter. He bought him a $50 Jazz basketball jersey and shorts! (I couldn't believe he spent that much!) It doesn't even make sense, since it's October, and he'd freeze to death in that lightweight stuff--or ruin it; he goes through about two outfits a day, due to being a rumble-tumble, bib-refusing little boy. Where is he supposed to wear that to, anyway? So, maybe for Halloween, with some really warm clothes underneath, or something....who knows. Maybe if we're lucky, he can wear it next summer if it still fits, or to a game, if David takes him to one. Daniel came back with no nap ofcourse, filled up on cookies and rootbeer. Life's one big party of fun, with daddy **Sigh**
They were gone all day long, and then that night I had to work, so Daniel was really upset being through too much in one day: Daddy, the discovery center, no nap, going to grandpa and grandma's house, and mommy gone to work. He woke up at 1:30am crying hard....poor kid. He wouldn't take a nap yesterday or today, either. He gets like that when he has too many changes happen at once, and his separation anxiety kicks in to high gear. He woke again at 6:30am, and he refused to go to sleep the last two nights without me laying down next to him (and he's been going to bed great on his own, no problems, settling himself down by himself for the past three nights before that, at our apartment.) It makes me so frustrated and upset for him. I feel so bad that he has to go through all this. The only real consistency I've been able to offer him is being there for him nearly every single day of his life. Even if the environment and some of the caregivers change, at least I'm usually always there, at some point in his day. It's all I can do. Savannah is another story. She hardly has any clue who her daddy is. She looks at him like he's a perfect stranger. To be fair, he can't really take her much while I'm nursing her. But even when he comes over, he doesn't spend much time at all with her. He does a little bit, but not much. I'm sure that will change when she gets older, but will she be able to bond then with him? I guess.......I don't know. What a mess. I wish it wasn't like this, but the alternatives are even worse, IMO. Oh, well.
The other thing that's been bugging me is that I pretty much "fell off the wagon" after doing so well for a while with exercise, trying to lose weight. It's been so hard to stay motivated, battling depression and anger. Man, I get so moody sometimes; I hate that. And the only real time I can get to exercise is in the evenings. But I find that I'm so tired and just want to relax so bad, that running on my treadmill doesn't seem the slightest bit intriguing. I couldn't manage to get the jogging stoller to fit in my trunk, so that's still at my parents' house. Oh, I'm too good at finding excuses. But I hate how I look, and how overweight I've gotten!! It's driving me crazy!! HELP, I need to get my self in gear and just do it!!!!
Sorry, I'm not in a very good mood tonight--I felt like I'd swallowed a ton of bricks, when I left the attorney's office.
I really don't even know how to start this, this time. But I know I have to write it down. I'll never remember it all well enough if I don't; the sequence of events, and my feelings about it all. More than that, just the shock of such a drastic change of events--a miracle, really.....at least to me.
I guess I better stop my vague ramblings and just spit it out. David and I are reconciling. At the very last possible mili-second, when our marriage was hanging by a thread....somehow we decided to reconcile. I'm still kind of feeling a bit shell-shocked about it, but I think I'm happier now than I've been in a long time. I just have to get beyond the skeptical part of me that wants a 100% gaurantee I won't end up getting devastatedly hurt again.
Well......for a few weeks now, David has been trying to get me back. But I didn't trust his motives, and didn't trust his sincerity. He insisted on going back to marriage counselling, and kept on pestering me to talk to him, calling me frequently, and sort of debating me about my reasons for getting a divorce. I explained to him, for what seemed like the millionth time, why it was that I felt like our differences were truly irreconcilable, and that I could never be happy with him if I compromised, or rather gave in to him on certain key issues that I felt were vital to my happiness.
He kept on inviting me to join him when he took Daniel to do fun things, and one evening we actually did all go out to dinner (nothing fancy). Another couple of times we went to the grocery store together (nothing too interesting there, but just time together, not separate). I brushed all this off as just no big deal. But he never gave up.....as annoyed as I was by this. I slowly began to see some changes in him, back to being the person I had originally taken him to be when we met and were married. He has finally seemed to have let go of all the bitterness and anger and hurt that boiled away inside of him for so long. The scarey thing now is that I know that's not the first time he's ever acted like that. It's the first time I ever saw it, though, in 4 years of marriage. But my SIL told me of an event in his past that I didn't know about, in which he took forever to get over the anger and hurt....but he finally did, and moved on. I don't want to see that pattern repeated ever again, though. It's something I plan on talking about somehow, sometime, in marriage counselling.
I guess what happened is that the first time that I officially announced to him that I'd seen a divorce attorney, and was taking action, he bristled up a bit, but then confessed that he'd seen an attorney himself, for advice, in case I really did go through with it. So, at that time, he told me what he wanted out of the settlement. Then, I very quietly didn't mention it again, letting him think that I had gone back to stalling, so that I could get everything in order for my attorney to proceed, without David suddenly changing his actions and becoming more aggressive in his demands to spend time with the kids (His tune changed from having them live with me, to suddenly wanting them to live with him half the time).
Ooops, it's shift change, I'll have to finish this later.
Well, that sucks. I just finished writing a long journal entry, and then I got interrupted before I submitted it. I came back and I got logged out by the computer, so the whole thing got erased. Now it's only 5 minutes to shift change, so I can't write it all again. Oh, well.....on Thursday night I will.
Well, I gotta quit procrastinating and finish this! To make a very long story as short as possible: Basically, David FINALLY convinced me that he really, truly, sincerely did not want to give up on our marriage, and that he still did in fact love me, and had the ulitmate strong desire to heal all our old wounds, work out our marriage problems, and forgive and forget. He gave up all the bitterness and anger of the past, and began to focus on our future, and win me back. He even, and most importantly to me, agreed that he wanted the same things I did, as far as the three things that were most important to me (that I won't expound on here, since they're too personal), and has since been totally proving it to me, and has changed his ways.......back to the person I first knew and fell in love with. I've shed my skepticism for the most part. We're going to marriage counselling, starting next week. He's moved back in with us. We're a family again, and I'm happy. We are talking about things now, and trying to be more communicative. We're both trying really hard to make this work. And Monday night at work he surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet of roses and a volleyball--because that was how we met; at a volleyball game. The card read: "It is a new game. Love, David"
So.....I just felt like I needed to update this journal here. Kind of bring things up to a current status. The latest in a nutshell is: we are STILL together. David and I are hanging in there. We're still trying. We have our good days. In fact, yesterday was a REALLY good day. We went Christmas shopping with the kids, and had pictures taken with Santa, and just enjoyed being together as a family. We also have our bad days. Some have been really bad....right back to making me think that I need to get OUT again, NOW! But always it gets resolved, and we talk, and we work it out...somehow. I give a LOT of credit to David for that. I have SOOOO many insecurities, so many trust issues. I have a hard time not being suspicious of him and his motives, and so scared of being hurt really bad again. I felt so betrayed by him for so long. Just the fact that he didn't turn out to be who I thought he was, and that we wanted totally different things, even though I never knew it. Oh, boy have we had some very messed up communication. It's like we'll have a conversation, and both of us think we're being clear, then later find out that we got totally different ideas out of it. How does that happen? **Sigh**
But the good news is, we are both SO much happier with our current marriage counsellor, now. She is great, and suits us a lot better than the last one. And honestly, I know we really ARE both trying. Really hard. Sometimes we slip back into our bad habits of the past. Change takes time, and a lot of hard work. But I have lot more hope, now, and that's a good thing. And I think our kids are really doing well, and so happy to have their daddy back more in their lives, especially Daniel. Savannah really knows him now, and he knows her well now, too. I'm glad. I'm happy our kids and their daddy have a good relationship. He is a good father, too. I just have to find a happy medium between being too picky and overbearing about his parenting style, and walking on eggshells, never saying a word about anything that might rock the boat. That's been the biggest challenge for me, because I know I have to get a grip on my temper. But at the same time, I have to be able to vent some frustrations at times. It's tough to find that middle ground.
I'll have to write more later. Gotta go.
Just time for another update on my life:
First of all: we might be taking a break from marriage counselling. I DO think it helped some, at least for me. Even DH kind of liked it for the fact that we had some focused time on the two of us and our relationship. However, the last counselling session left us feeling kind of negative about our counsellor. She kind of gave us the impression that she was kind of sick of us, or something, and didn't really think we were responding to counselling (using her techniques, etc.) like she wanted us to. It kind of left us feeling discouraged when we left. But the weird thing is, aside from that moment, we seem to be happier than we have been in a long, long time. Our relationship has greatly improved over all, especially the last couple of weeks. We're back to the playful, almost flirtatious way things used to be with us. And David has really, truly stepped up to the plate. He has helped me TREMENDOUSLY with everything--cleaning up around the house, taking care of the kids, supporting me and my needs, just being a really great husband! It's such a change from how bad things had gotten. I never would have believed that we could have gotten to this point where things are this good, again!! It's like a miracle to me. I think we just realized how much we had to lose, and got to a point where we no longer take our marriage and relationship for granted. We're finally both willing to work hard at it, and do what it takes. I'm not saying things are perfect; that's unrealistic to me. But things are much better over all.
HOWEVER..............and this is the ironic part. About two weeks ago I reached another burn-out point. I have not been getting near enough sleep, what with my graveyard shifts, getting up in the night with sick and teething babies, etc.--and Daniel has hit the terrible two's with a vengeance. DH has been picking up a lot of overtime at work, and that is hard on me, 'cause I need his help so much. It doesn't help that it's winter and I don't get out enough. So, after a few melt-down's and feeling completely out of control--DH took me to see a crisis worker at the ER the other night, and I am back on an antidepressant (I had really bad PPD, and it felt like the same symptoms lately), and I have been told (and I agree) that I have to make some serious changes with my life: like GET MORE SLEEP! (duh!) and go see a counsellor for myself alone, and so on. So, I am trying, and we'll see how it goes. DH took two days off work, and that helped a lot. I have a huge amount of anxiety--and I hope the med. will help with that, more than anything. Seriously--my anxiety is way out of control!! And I am going to make sure I sleep longer, after my night shifts, and try to change my schedule, some, if I can. I also have to go to bed earlier. And I have to find a babysitter to use once in a while, so I can get out when I need to............
I was looking at the PPD board tonight, after having gone to my Dr. today. Everything suddenly made a lot more sense, about my PPD/depression and anxiety relapse. I've been doing a lot better lately, since that awful day, a week ago. My relationship with David is better than ever, and the kids and I are doing well. I sure do love them tons!!