My Broken Heart is on the mend

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My Broken Heart is on the mend

I finally decided to go ahead and write it all here...at least for now. I just need some kind of place to vent. And I feel like I've vented enough over on my baby's birth board. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I must sound like an idiot: we're on again...now it's off again. I'm getting a divorce. No, maybe not. Now we're back together. I'm sure we can work this out. After all, why wouldn't he want to, too...right? How is it possible that we can start out so happy and so much in love, and just know without a doubt that it is so "right"? And yet, he's not even that same person anymore. Or is he? Did I just not know who he really was all this time? It was so easy, before he got out of the military and we had all this money to spend. We didn't have any kids yet, so we were free to come and go as we pleased; do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. But now, everything's changed. Not that I'm unhappy about that. I'm not. Actually, I feel more fulfilled and know that I have truly realized my dream of becoming a mother. I love my kids more than anything in the entire world. Heaven only knows I'd kill tigers for them...
So what happened to my husband? What happened to the person that I married, when the going got tough? And how can he decide that what we both believed in one day is not true or necessary the next? How is it that he could give me the sweetest cards with the most loving messages, flowers, and so much love and affection...and now he can't even muster up the words "I love you", without my practically begging him? He's so full of anger and hate. He's become so cruel. How did that happen? I don't get it. I keep wanting so badly to believe that it's all going to get better again; go back to the way things were. I keep thinking that must be what he wants to. I've been killing myself, trying so desperately hard to do whatever it takes to make things better. Thinking what I can do to improve myself; give him what he needs, be more patient, be more in control of my emotions, give him the space he needs, and try to understand what he wants. So why isn't that reciprocated, and why is it that one of the things that I always wanted most in life has blown up in my face? All I ever wanted was to just be a happily married wife and mother. I didn't want the moon. I didn't ask for perfection. I don't care a hoot about money or things. Heaven only knows I never spend a thing on myself. I just wanted to be loved, and to love back. I hurt so bad, I can hardly breathe....
--Katie--

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I've been ignoring him, lately. I guess I figure that if I can kind of tune him out, and avoid all interaction as much as possible, maybe it won't hurt so much. Ofcourse, that just makes him even madder, though. He called yesterday (7 times in a row on my cell phone before he finally called my mom and dad's number) to complain about it. It's like he just doesn't get it. Duh! I want to get over you and move on with my life!! The problem is, ofcourse, that I can't really, until this stupid nightmare of selling the house is finally over!! It's been more than a week now, since we were supposed to hear from the judge whether or not we got approval to let the sale go through, and FINALLY get the money for it, so we can quit paying mortgage on a house we no longer live in, AND rent money for the townhouse. What a stressor!! I borrowed money (as much as I hate to) from my mom today, so that the car payment due a week ago wouldn't bounce, since I finally mailed it. I found out though, as soon as I made the deposit and got the bank statement back, that 2 more transactions had already gone through by the time I got there. So, we were already overdrawn, and the mortgage payment bounced. I get paid tomorrow, so I can resolve that. But, it will take almost my whole paycheck. I told all this to David and he got mad because I paid the bills. Well, sorry, but I hate not paying them. It makes me so furious at how much money he spends on stupid stuff all the time. That, to me, is the REAL problem!! If he would quit buying guns (that he doesn't even tell me about 'til AFTER he's already spent the money), and a new cell phone and accessories, two new pairs of shoes (he only really needed one pair for work), a new digital camera, a new notebook computer, a new leather jacket, etc., etc., etc. we wouldn't be in such a mess!! I am so tired of it. I can't wait 'til we get the house money and I can open up a separate account for my half, that he can't touch. And here he is, lately, talking about buying ATV's, a boat, and a new truck or SUV as soon as he gets the money. What a dork. Talk about a difference in our priorities!! He loves material things so much, he isn't willing to sacrifice for now, so that we can decrease our cost of living, to focus on being together as a family; instead of shuffling our kids back and forth to babysitters so that I can work full time. It's so aggravating. He just doesn't get it.....any of it.
Daniel has had such increased separation anxiety. It kills me to see how it has affected him. Oh, I love that little guy more than anything! He is SO cute!! He has the most darling personality!! Man, he is the most independent little thing, and as stubborn as a mule. He cracks me up. His favorite word lately is "NO!", as in I'm going to do this anyway, even though I know it's a "NO-NO!"

Savannah is such a contrast in nature. She is so far the epitomy of lady-like behavior, very dainty, calm, patient, and sweet. Her smiles are like sunshine.

Oh, how I love my kids!!

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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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For some reason, this computer keeps putting double posts on here. It's kind of messed up; I keep having to hit refresh.

I forgot to mention that Daniel's vocabulary has been exploding. He now says "thank you", and he is making animal sounds when we read books. He now really enjoys being read to, finally, which is so much fun. He was saying Moo, and meow Lol

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Well, I think that maybe the healing process has begun. At least, it helps that David seems to have accepted at last that I am really serious about a divorce. Now, if only I could get my heart to move on, too. Oh, well....

He called me on Thursday evening, when my parents and I were at the Lagoon Amusement Park with the kids. We decided kind of on a whim to go there, since it was "Stake Lagoon Day", and so we could go on some free rides and stuff. We were disappointed with the weather, however. We got soaking wet in the rain. I was able to take Daniel on two rides; the train--where he got to see some really cool animals, including tigers, lions, cougars, and deer, etc., and the merry-go-round. I got a picture of us on that. We had just sat down to watch the musical show, and the downpour began. We beat it out of there, and headed for shelter. It was then that my cell phone rang. What great timing. Anyway, he asked how the kids were, so I filled him in. (They're fine.) He made a comment about how I wasn't being very sociable on the phone. That's when I told him: why should I be sociable with someone I'm going to be divorcing soon? I guess that really spelled it out for him. He was kind of like..."OK".....

Y'know, as much as I've analyzed our relationship and our problems to death, I finally kind of summed it up for myself in a few words: "we have completely (incompatible) different priorities." My focus and what matters most to me is my kids (and would have been him, if he'd been the man he should have been). His priorities are money, materialistic things, and having FUN, with no strings attached. Well, I guess I'm cutting the strings.

I took Daniel over to the townhouse yesterday, to see his daddy. We were on our way back from the bank (depositing what little money I could, so that we didn't bounce the mortgage a second time and the car payment, and still have something to live on for the next 10 days). We were driving right by the exit, so I figured that we might as well stop by. I feel bad, because I know Daniel has really missed his daddy. He's really had some bad separation anxiety. Anyway, David was glad to see him, too. We took him on the playground, and he had part of his icecream sandwhich, and had a blast. David started telling me all about the ATV he wants to buy (when he has the money). :roll:

He's taking Daniel to the air show tomorrow, at Hill Airforce Base. It should be fun. I just hope Daniel is good for him, and that he gets enough to eat, and a nap at some point. He's so super irritable when he's sleep deprived! I guess my BIL and SIL and nephews are going with them. Somehow, I am not surprised. I think it was always a HUGE deal if we ever did something just by ourselves. Not that I really care that much. If anything, it will be good for Daniel to have his cousins there, to help entertain him.

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I really hate this computer with its stupid dp problems! :roll:

Oh...and I forgot to mention: we got a court date to finally get permission to sell the house!! Yea!! A faint light at the end of the tunnel!! It is kind of a long tunnel, though. The date is July 12th. So then, at last we will finally be able to push the sale through (we don't know of any reason why the judge wouldn't say otherwise, since that's what the trustee wants), and be able to move on with life. We have to see now, though, if we can collect some rent money from the prospective buyers that are living in our house, since we'll still have to come up with one more mortgage payment (groan). Then, the kids and I will be able to move into the townhouse, David can get his own place, I'll be able to afford a divorce attorney, and finally have the money to set aside for rent 'til next year, so that I can cut down my hours to part time. Two shifts on, five off. I'll finally be able to have somewhat of a more "normal" life, without my kids being bounced back and forth to babysitters like ping-pong balls. I'll finally be able to have enough time off to start a regular exercise routine, and to go on some little daytrips with the kids this summer, and spend more time at home, and maybe be a little more organized, and feel a little less crazy, trying to keep up with everything. Yea, yea, yea!!!!

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David was up here yesterday. He came in the morning, about an hour after I got off work. It gave me time to pack the diaper bag and a lunch for each of them to take. I made sure I put sunblock in, since I knew it would be hot, and Daniel would be outside all day. David came and picked him up right after he had his breakfast. Daniel was really excited. He kept saying "Daddy!" (in his best toddler way). They went to Hill Airforce Base, to see the air show. I then got Savannah ready for church and fed her, and sent her off with my mom. I finally went to bed. About 4 hours later, David returned with our son. Daniel was a little sunburned, but not too bad. He had three toy airplanes, and David said he had a great time, although he was a little scared of the jets. David stayed for dinner and he played with Savannah and held her. He said he wanted to take both of them to see his mom and sisters for lunch on Tuesday. That's fine with me, but I have to have her back to be able to nurse her, so she can't be gone TOO long. I hate to give her too many bottles. I don't want to go through the nursing strike she went through recently, again. While we were on the computer yesterday, Daniel walked in and showed us two Ibuprofen tablets he had sucked the coating off of!!!! OH, CRAP!! We immediately called Poison Control. I had taken three Ibuprofen for a migraine I had (due to sleep deprivation). I guess I wasn't careful enough, though, and I left the bottle on the counter, where he could reach up, with the lid not on tight enough. We counted the remaining tablets. There were 88. The full bottle originally had 100, but when I took the three earlier, it was NOT a new bottle; so some had already been used. In fact, I remember a couple of weeks ago, taking two out for a headache that David had, when he was up. So, we figured that the most he could have taken was 7. However, we kind of doubt that he actually did. Probably some more doses had been taken by someone, previous to that. We also thought it was probably a good sign that he had handed us the two he had. He probably thought they were gross. Usually, if he finds something he wants to eat, he does NOT show it to me. If anything, he usually tries to hide it, so I won't take it away. Anyway, the poison control person said that it would take 11 pills to cause toxicity in him. She had asked how much he weighed. She said that he would probably be ok, but to give him a snack and make sure to give him plenty of fluids to drink. She said it could be irritating to his stomach, so food would help. It's excreted through the kidneys. So we gave him a graham cracker and milk. He liked that. He didn't act like anything bothered him at all. I think he's ok, but boy did I learn my lesson!!!

Well.....while I was on here, David just called. He spent more than I told him we had to spend. Great!! I was so ticked, because I told him exactly how much he could use. I only used $10 for gas. That's it!! I let him have $40. I am assuming that the car payment and mortgage payment will go through today, and we CANNOT afford to have them bounce!!! I am so mad. He says he's gonna borrow $100 from his parents (which I hate doing), and he wanted to know if I could go get it. I groaned at this (his parents are a 45 minute drive one way, plus the drive to the bank, and I am almost out of gas. I have to work in 7 hours (a twelve hour graveyard shift), and I really need a nap. I still feel so tired from so little sleep yesterday, and Savannah kept waking me up all night to nurse. So, I didn't say no, but I really didn't like the idea. Yeah, I know he's at work, so it's hard for him to do. But he's the one that got us into this mess!! Oh, sometimes I could just scream! Well, he hung up, like he didn't want to hear me complain about it. So, now I don't quite know what to do. I guess I should go, but I hate to!!

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Yesterday was kind of rough. I got four hours of sleep post graveyard shift. Then I fed Savannah, and I went to hand her back and say hi to my son, but I ended up helping take care of the kids, and Savannah decided that she would not take her aftenoon nap, so she kept me up for the rest of the day, until bedtime. Daniel was a real pill, too. He woke up way early that morning and so was rather grouchy. He climbed on top of the table after dinner, and was trying to grab (and throw) all the food that was left! :roll: On the other hand, I melt everytime he follows me down the hall like a little lost puppy. I love that he wants to stay with me, wherever I go. Wink

I was relieved to see that the mortgage payment went through, (finally!), and I had to put out another fire with our realtor, who said that the city was threatening to shut off the water to the house, since the city wouldn't let the home buyers put the utility bill in their name yet, and I'd closed our account. So, I reopened it so they could go pay it.

I was surprised that David didn't call all day. It was supposed to be his day off, and he'd talked about coming to get the kids for a while. So, I called him on my way to work that night. He said he had been "busy"; "sorry." Whatever. In a way I kind of like having the kids just stay where they are. I think Daniel especially does better with the consistency. But on the other hand, I feel bad that he doesn't see his daddy as much as he probably needs. (Sigh). My poor babies....I hope someday they'll understand.
I'm excited for tomorrow. My cousin is getting married, and so it will be a fun day. I love getting together with my cousins, since we all grew up together in the same neighborhood. We're all really close.
--Katie--

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Last Thursday, Daniel went to a baseball game with his daddy, and I went to my cousin's wedding reception. The reception was nice. Daniel got back really LATE from the game (which I knew he would, I just had to deal with it, and hope he'd be able to catch up on his sleep over the next few days). He was so tired, he cried all the way home. I had more mixed emotions, seeing David; (I always do).

Sunday, Daniel went to the nursery at church, and he made David a cute little framed picture of himself with little animals and his name on it, for Father's Day. It was really cute. I had him "call" David's cell phone, and leave a "Happy Father's Day" message. But, I was surprised not to hear from him all weekend. Usually that's his time off. I called him this morning, just to make sure he was still alive. He said he'd been working overtime, all weekend, long hours. I asked him if he'd gotten anything for his dad, for Father's Day. He said "no." I asked if he was going to. He said "no, probably not." I said "why?". He said that "it didn't change anything....and that he hadn't even talked to his parents or seen them Sunday, anyway. I was kind of shocked. He and his family have a very good relationship. It's very weird. Then came the bombshell. I told him how I'd talked to the realtor lately, about if we could ask the home buyers to pay any rent, since now we're paying rent and mortgage both this month, but the realtor said probably not, because the trustee would just take it, anyway. He said that the best thing to do would be just to not pay the mortgage this month, and let the company know that the house was under contract, anyway, so it could just be added on to the final pay-off. Well, next thing I know, David says he's mad that the realtors are taking a bigger percentage now, than they were going to, originally, and so now HE DOESN'T WANT TO SELL THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could just scream! I'm so embarassed, too. The realtor is a close family friend. He originally was going to give us a really good deal, and take less than he usually does. But this whole thing has ended being a nightmare, and caused him a LOT of extra work. It was really our fault for not looking into things more carefully. We're the ones that messed up. I'm not sure what to do, but I've got to talk to him again about this, and I HAVE got to make sure this deal goes through. Everything will be such a wreck, if it doesn't!!

I started Savannah on rice cereal. She makes the funniest faces with it, and she still spits most of it right back out, but that's ok. She's learning. She squeals and makes the cutest sounds now, and plays with toys. She is growing up SO fast!! She's so cute!!!! Both my kids make every day worth living!!

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I guess I need to update, again. Well, the house issue will only be an issue for 15 more days. Then, it will finally be behind us once and for all. David finally got past his most recent frustration over it. Anyway, he is down to two possibilities now, as to where he'll be living: it looks like downtown/the avenues, with a place he can keep our dog, Jackson. I'm kind of glad he's keeping him. I really didn't want to give him up...and I think Daniel will like having him to play with when he goes over there. Daniel and David went to the zoo last Thursday. They had a lot of fun, but Daniel missed his nap, and then he went all crazy when David tried to leave. He screamed and cried and clung to him. He wanted to go back outside again, SO BAD!! He loves the outdoors like nothing else in the world. And I feel so bad that he feels torn apart by our separation. It makes me so sad. Yesterday went a lot better, though. I took the kids to the park to see their dad, and we played with Daniel on the playground, and he got really brave this time, going down the slides by himself. When it was time to leave, he was actually really good about it. Then today, my Dad and I took the kids to Union Station, and we looked at all the trains, model trains, antique cars, and precious gem stones. It was a fun museum. Daniel loved the model trains. I could tell that it had made a big difference being home all weekend long with him. He was a lot more anxious to be with me, instead of clinging to my dad. I was really happy about that; it made me feel even more validated that I feel so strongly like I should be there as much as possible for my kids. And as hard as it is sometimes, I know that I'd rather be there with them, than anywhere else on earth. I love them SOOOO much!!
I got paid Friday. I got a call later that same day from David, informing me that he'd just withdrawn almost the entire paycheck amount from our account. I couldn't believe it!!!!!!!!!!! Then, he decided not to pay his tuition with it, yet, and to wait 'til next pay day. So, now I've had to tell him to put some of it back in the account, to pay bills and allow me to put gas in my car and buy diapers. I had to go to work Friday at 3am (since we had a low census and I split the shift), and David had taken my car to take Daniel to the zoo, since he didn't have the other car seat. Well, I told him to put gas in it, and put some money in the bank. He never did either one. So, I barely make it to the end of the street to the gas station, and then to my disbelief, I can't use my debit card there because we're overdrawn!! I was SO furious!! I had to drive all the way back home and wake up my parents to borrow their car. I know I have to get a different bank account; I've just been waiting 'til we get the money from the house, since it will be deposited there. Honestly, though, I am so frustrated!!! I guess I just need to get meaner!!

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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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Man, has it been a crazy last few days!! Daniel got sick with the stomach flu, and threw up all over in the car. It smells really awful in there, now. :roll: He has not been sleeping well, the last few nights, either. I think it's because it's been SOOOO hot!! It feels like 110 degrees in the shade. I bought him a little kiddy pool, and he liked splashing around in that. He's been so cute the last couple of days, doing funny things. Now, whenever he gets a bump, or an "owie", he kisses the part of him that got hurt, and then he kisses the inantimate object that hurt him. Lol He "helped" me do the dishes yesterday; he dragged the stepping stool over to the kitchen sink, and put it next to me, so he could help rinse the dishes. He liked to drink the water out of some of them, too, though, so a few ended up getting washed a couple of times.

Savannah has been adorable--she is getting more and more vocal all the time. She squeals and "talks" so loud and so much that we have nick-named her the "screecher-creature". The sad thing is, David has never heard her do that. He's missing out on so much!! I don't understand it. I've NEVER tried to keep him away from the kids--ever!! Yesterday, he had the day off, but he didn't bother to see them. He said he had "lots of homework, and (he had) to go look some more for a place to move to." Well, busy or not, I don't see why he couldn't have at least seen them briefly. I called him the morning that Daniel got sick, to let him know. He never even called back that evening, to see if he was feeling any better. Very strange.

I've been out walking, trying to get some exercise. I sure do want to lose some weight! I'm not giving up on that. I think it would really help my self-esteem.

Well, I better run.....it's going to be another busy day today!!

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Independence Day was kind of quiet this year. My parents and I took the kids to the annual 4th of July Breakfast at our neighbors' yard. A lot of people from the church ward were there. It was fun. Then, David came and got both Daniel and Savannah this time, and took them to his family's barbecue. They came back with what looked like Christmas: blankets, clothes, toys....
The weird part was that my MIL called and said I was welcome to come down, too. I don't think that David has told his parents that we're getting a divorce. I sure don't want to be the one to tell them!

I should back up: the day before that, the kids and I went over to my BIL & SIL's apartment and went swimming at the pool. We had a very long talk. I learned a lot of things about David's past, that he had never told me. It was rather insightful. It was also kind of sad, and depressing. It kind of made things fit together a little bit better; things that he'd said, etc. It made me realize even more how mixed up he is, and how lost he is. But he has too much stubborn pride and selfishness to change, or deal with some of his issues that have caused him pain. It made me sad.
Yesterday, I took Daniel to the story hour at the library. Some of the stories were a little bit over his head; too old for him, but he liked the interactive songs inbetween. The kid has "the beat", we are always joking. He loves music more than any toddler I've ever seen before; dancing to everything from commercials to radio and videos, church music, etc. He's so darn cute.
Savannah has now rolled completely over from back to tummy. She's a pro at it now, and does it so fast! She giggled so cute when she got home, Tuesday. I think she missed me. I certainly missed her and her brother! On the other hand, it was kind of nice to get a little break....although I say that almost guiltily. I'd sacrifice anything for my kids. Daniel is loving his sister even more these days. It's so cute when he lays his head on her tummy. She smiles at him. They're going to be best friends, I think.

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Wow!!! I can't believe it!! We have officially closed on the house, and we get the money today!!!!!!!! WHOOOO HOOOO!!!! The end of a very long, drawn-out nightmare has come to an end, at last!! This is such a HUGE relief!! I am so excited. It has been so incredibly stressful, and I have been so broke, I couldn't even buy a stick of gum, if I'd wanted to, practically.....

Last night, I finished getting the townhouse in order. It is all ready to move into, now. David says the soonest he can get his stuff out of there and leave is Saturday, since he works every single day this week. Fine, I can wait that much longer. I work an extra day this week and next week anyway, so it will be a busy time for me. He was a big help in getting stuff moved to the storage unit, and getting his stuff out of the way and in to some organized fashion, at least. I was very happy about that. He is still up to his same conniving, money-hungry tricks, though--he almost didn't sign on the house, because he wanted a certain amount out of it. We barely ended up getting that much. I was to the point where I just wanted it to be over with, and move on. We made some mistakes ourselves, in the whole deal. To me, that means learning from those mistakes, and moving on. But not to him. He still blames everyone else. He also mentioned the money that he wanted from me for the fridge I sold cheaper than he wanted to, and $20 I "owed" him, when I asked him for a little money, so that my rent check didn't bounce. Never mind the fact that HE's the one who's been living there, without paying a single dime!! Honestly, he's such a piece of work. Also, what about the fact that he hasn't bought any diapers or food for the kids, or anything else they need in a really long time. Except the culturelle. I'll give him that much. Whoopdee doo. He made some smart remarks about the fact that I took the kids to the park for lunch and the Tracy Aviary, and then to Wheeler Farms for a family reunion this weekend. He said how it must be nice having so much time off. Yeah, well, he took Daniel to Cherry Hills water park last week, himself. His point was again, that I just want time off so that I can "Sit around and do nothing"--those were his exact words. Excuse me??? So, being a mom is sitting around doing nothing???? What a jerk. I work so dang hard, he doesn't have a clue. Not to mention that I do work outside the home, just not full time anymore. I wanted to be there more for my kids. He'll just never get it.

Anyway, I'm off to the park again to take Daniel to the playground. Then I work tonight (a 12 hour shift at 7). I have changed diapers, fed both kids, got Savannah down for her nap, dressed Daniel, and brushed his teeth. I guess that's enough "sitting around doing nothing"....better go!!

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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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I haven't written here or just about anywhere else for quite a while. I lost a lot of my down time at work, when all of the sudden our census exploded. (Imagine that, having to actually work!! Ha, ha. I'm just kidding, but seriously, it's like things just took off, and totally changed there. Which is probably just as well. Then I lost my internet access at home, when David took the computer. I hardly ever have a minute to get on at my mom and dad's house. Too busy!!! But tonight at work there are no babies at all...just one mom in L&D that will soon deliver.

Well, things have really calmed down a lot, and settled into a nice routine for me and my kiddos. We are finally all settled in our town house, with the rent all paid up 'til the end of the lease next year, so I'm now working only twice a week. Just what I wanted. Daniel has FINALLY adjusted for the most part to living there, and that was a major hurdle, what with his flare-ups of separation anxiety due to all the major changes already in his short little life, poor little guy. I went last week to see a divorce attorney that was recommended to me. I did like him. He went over everything thoroughly, and he actually showed some interest, unlike the last attorney I had to deal with. Anyway, I jumped over the next hurdle, which was to talk to David about child custody issues, and find out exactly what he wanted. I was kind of shocked to find out that he'd already consulted an attorney of his own a month earlier, but hadn't taken any action....just waiting for me. I think we might actually be able to work all of this out very quickly. The best part is, we both want the kids to live with me, permanently....no matter what happens to us in the future (moving out of state, or remarrying, etc.). Thank goodness for that. We also both agree that we don't want any rigid schedule set up on when he sees the kids; that's something we agree we'd prefer to work out between the two of us. So far, that's been working out really well. We've already divided up all the assetts, so there's really not much left to it, I guess. Now I just have to get back in touch with my attorney, so that I can ask him a few more questions, and then get it all going, so we can both really move on completely, with our lives.

The kids and my parents and I all enjoyed a vacation to California. We saw some fun things, including some stuff I'd never seen before. It was a little hectic and kind of rough at times with such a long drive with two very young children, but we all survived, and had some fun. The next week was really relaxing and great for me, because David took Daniel to Bear Lake for 4 days. I have to say, I did miss my little boy like crazy, but at the same time, I took advantage of it, and got a ton of stuff done, and caught up on some sleep and R&R. I still had Savannah, but she's such an easy little angel, I feel spoiled. I've also been exercising, running on my treadmill, and that feels good to know I'm really making a good effort to lose some post-baby weight.
All in all, I am moving forward, and things are a lot less stressful these days. The kids and I have gotten into a good routine. I take Daniel outside every day, dragging all of his balls and bats and golf clubs and tee, basketball stand, etc. while Savannah is napping. I sure hope he appreciates it. That kid lives for the outdoors, and is obsessed with sports already. I've been taking him for wagon rides, too. It's been good for both of us. I got my jogging stroller, too, finally, and I can't wait to get the air in the tires, so I can take the kids for evening runs. I really look forward to that. Life is pretty good. I do still get awfully sad and depressed sometimes, in the evenings when I feel so alone, and I still want to cry when I see pictures of David and I together. Man, I loved him so much....I guess I still do. At least, the memories are what makes it so tough. If I weren't absolutely sure that my reasons were justified, there's no way I could have ended it. I feel like he broke my heart into a million pieces. I gave him all the love in the world I ever had. But.....oh, well, life goes on, and thank goodness I have my two sweet babies. They are my absolute joy.

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I went to my attorney's office to review and sign papers and give my retainer fee. Man, it's expensive! Everything seemed pretty much in order, save one small detail I realized later, with the parent time plan; I'll have to call and see if we can change one little part, just slightly. They need a little more detail info., by Monday that I have to find, and then they'll be officially moving ahead. DH has no idea. The last time, a few weeks ago when I talked about going ahead with a divorce, he kind of flipped out and started talking about marriage counselling again and debating me on all the old issues, and threatening that if I DID go ahead and get a divorce, and try to get sole custody, that he would totally fight me to the bitter end on it. He then asked me to divide up the kids' possessions (like cribs and dressers, etc.) or pay him half the value of those things. He said he wants to start taking them more, and have them live with him half the time now, etc. He finally got an apartment, and he's been getting settled there. Well, ofcourse I basically told him to get a reality check. Anyway..........with the irrational behavior and wacky challenges/threats, I decided that I would sort of let the action on my part sort of hit him over the head, so he doesn't start acting all weird again, until I've already made a motion to get temporary custody of the kids in the meantime. So, now he just thinks I've been stalling in separation limbo again and he's gone back to popping in to see the kids, or take Daniel off for an outing when it's convenient for him. Those are the true colors I know. He took Daniel to the Gateway Discovery Center for kids on Monday. He said they had a blast, and DS really loved the helicopter. He bought him a $50 Jazz basketball jersey and shorts! (I couldn't believe he spent that much!) It doesn't even make sense, since it's October, and he'd freeze to death in that lightweight stuff--or ruin it; he goes through about two outfits a day, due to being a rumble-tumble, bib-refusing little boy. Where is he supposed to wear that to, anyway? So, maybe for Halloween, with some really warm clothes underneath, or something....who knows. Maybe if we're lucky, he can wear it next summer if it still fits, or to a game, if David takes him to one. Daniel came back with no nap ofcourse, filled up on cookies and rootbeer. Life's one big party of fun, with daddy :roll: **Sigh**
They were gone all day long, and then that night I had to work, so Daniel was really upset being through too much in one day: Daddy, the discovery center, no nap, going to grandpa and grandma's house, and mommy gone to work. He woke up at 1:30am crying hard....poor kid. He wouldn't take a nap yesterday or today, either. He gets like that when he has too many changes happen at once, and his separation anxiety kicks in to high gear. He woke again at 6:30am, and he refused to go to sleep the last two nights without me laying down next to him (and he's been going to bed great on his own, no problems, settling himself down by himself for the past three nights before that, at our apartment.) It makes me so frustrated and upset for him. I feel so bad that he has to go through all this. The only real consistency I've been able to offer him is being there for him nearly every single day of his life. Even if the environment and some of the caregivers change, at least I'm usually always there, at some point in his day. It's all I can do. Savannah is another story. She hardly has any clue who her daddy is. She looks at him like he's a perfect stranger. To be fair, he can't really take her much while I'm nursing her. But even when he comes over, he doesn't spend much time at all with her. He does a little bit, but not much. I'm sure that will change when she gets older, but will she be able to bond then with him? I guess.......I don't know. What a mess. I wish it wasn't like this, but the alternatives are even worse, IMO. Oh, well.

The other thing that's been bugging me is that I pretty much "fell off the wagon" after doing so well for a while with exercise, trying to lose weight. It's been so hard to stay motivated, battling depression and anger. Man, I get so moody sometimes; I hate that. And the only real time I can get to exercise is in the evenings. But I find that I'm so tired and just want to relax so bad, that running on my treadmill doesn't seem the slightest bit intriguing. I couldn't manage to get the jogging stoller to fit in my trunk, so that's still at my parents' house. Oh, I'm too good at finding excuses. But I hate how I look, and how overweight I've gotten!! It's driving me crazy!! HELP, I need to get my self in gear and just do it!!!!

Sorry, I'm not in a very good mood tonight--I felt like I'd swallowed a ton of bricks, when I left the attorney's office.

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I really don't even know how to start this, this time. But I know I have to write it down. I'll never remember it all well enough if I don't; the sequence of events, and my feelings about it all. More than that, just the shock of such a drastic change of events--a miracle, really.....at least to me.

I guess I better stop my vague ramblings and just spit it out. David and I are reconciling. At the very last possible mili-second, when our marriage was hanging by a thread....somehow we decided to reconcile. I'm still kind of feeling a bit shell-shocked about it, but I think I'm happier now than I've been in a long time. I just have to get beyond the skeptical part of me that wants a 100% gaurantee I won't end up getting devastatedly hurt again.

Well......for a few weeks now, David has been trying to get me back. But I didn't trust his motives, and didn't trust his sincerity. He insisted on going back to marriage counselling, and kept on pestering me to talk to him, calling me frequently, and sort of debating me about my reasons for getting a divorce. I explained to him, for what seemed like the millionth time, why it was that I felt like our differences were truly irreconcilable, and that I could never be happy with him if I compromised, or rather gave in to him on certain key issues that I felt were vital to my happiness.
He kept on inviting me to join him when he took Daniel to do fun things, and one evening we actually did all go out to dinner (nothing fancy). Another couple of times we went to the grocery store together (nothing too interesting there, but just time together, not separate). I brushed all this off as just no big deal. But he never gave up.....as annoyed as I was by this. I slowly began to see some changes in him, back to being the person I had originally taken him to be when we met and were married. He has finally seemed to have let go of all the bitterness and anger and hurt that boiled away inside of him for so long. The scarey thing now is that I know that's not the first time he's ever acted like that. It's the first time I ever saw it, though, in 4 years of marriage. But my SIL told me of an event in his past that I didn't know about, in which he took forever to get over the anger and hurt....but he finally did, and moved on. I don't want to see that pattern repeated ever again, though. It's something I plan on talking about somehow, sometime, in marriage counselling.
I guess what happened is that the first time that I officially announced to him that I'd seen a divorce attorney, and was taking action, he bristled up a bit, but then confessed that he'd seen an attorney himself, for advice, in case I really did go through with it. So, at that time, he told me what he wanted out of the settlement. Then, I very quietly didn't mention it again, letting him think that I had gone back to stalling, so that I could get everything in order for my attorney to proceed, without David suddenly changing his actions and becoming more aggressive in his demands to spend time with the kids (His tune changed from having them live with me, to suddenly wanting them to live with him half the time).

Ooops, it's shift change, I'll have to finish this later.

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Well, that sucks. I just finished writing a long journal entry, and then I got interrupted before I submitted it. I came back and I got logged out by the computer, so the whole thing got erased. Now it's only 5 minutes to shift change, so I can't write it all again. Oh, well.....on Thursday night I will.

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Well, I gotta quit procrastinating and finish this! To make a very long story as short as possible: Basically, David FINALLY convinced me that he really, truly, sincerely did not want to give up on our marriage, and that he still did in fact love me, and had the ulitmate strong desire to heal all our old wounds, work out our marriage problems, and forgive and forget. He gave up all the bitterness and anger of the past, and began to focus on our future, and win me back. He even, and most importantly to me, agreed that he wanted the same things I did, as far as the three things that were most important to me (that I won't expound on here, since they're too personal), and has since been totally proving it to me, and has changed his ways.......back to the person I first knew and fell in love with. I've shed my skepticism for the most part. We're going to marriage counselling, starting next week. He's moved back in with us. We're a family again, and I'm happy. We are talking about things now, and trying to be more communicative. We're both trying really hard to make this work. And Monday night at work he surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet of roses and a volleyball--because that was how we met; at a volleyball game. The card read: "It is a new game. Love, David"

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So.....I just felt like I needed to update this journal here. Kind of bring things up to a current status. The latest in a nutshell is: we are STILL together. David and I are hanging in there. We're still trying. We have our good days. In fact, yesterday was a REALLY good day. We went Christmas shopping with the kids, and had pictures taken with Santa, and just enjoyed being together as a family. We also have our bad days. Some have been really bad....right back to making me think that I need to get OUT again, NOW! But always it gets resolved, and we talk, and we work it out...somehow. I give a LOT of credit to David for that. I have SOOOO many insecurities, so many trust issues. I have a hard time not being suspicious of him and his motives, and so scared of being hurt really bad again. I felt so betrayed by him for so long. Just the fact that he didn't turn out to be who I thought he was, and that we wanted totally different things, even though I never knew it. Oh, boy have we had some very messed up communication. It's like we'll have a conversation, and both of us think we're being clear, then later find out that we got totally different ideas out of it. How does that happen? **Sigh**
But the good news is, we are both SO much happier with our current marriage counsellor, now. She is great, and suits us a lot better than the last one. And honestly, I know we really ARE both trying. Really hard. Sometimes we slip back into our bad habits of the past. Change takes time, and a lot of hard work. But I have lot more hope, now, and that's a good thing. And I think our kids are really doing well, and so happy to have their daddy back more in their lives, especially Daniel. Savannah really knows him now, and he knows her well now, too. I'm glad. I'm happy our kids and their daddy have a good relationship. He is a good father, too. I just have to find a happy medium between being too picky and overbearing about his parenting style, and walking on eggshells, never saying a word about anything that might rock the boat. That's been the biggest challenge for me, because I know I have to get a grip on my temper. But at the same time, I have to be able to vent some frustrations at times. It's tough to find that middle ground.
I'll have to write more later. Gotta go.

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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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Just time for another update on my life:
First of all: we might be taking a break from marriage counselling. I DO think it helped some, at least for me. Even DH kind of liked it for the fact that we had some focused time on the two of us and our relationship. However, the last counselling session left us feeling kind of negative about our counsellor. She kind of gave us the impression that she was kind of sick of us, or something, and didn't really think we were responding to counselling (using her techniques, etc.) like she wanted us to. It kind of left us feeling discouraged when we left. But the weird thing is, aside from that moment, we seem to be happier than we have been in a long, long time. Our relationship has greatly improved over all, especially the last couple of weeks. We're back to the playful, almost flirtatious way things used to be with us. And David has really, truly stepped up to the plate. He has helped me TREMENDOUSLY with everything--cleaning up around the house, taking care of the kids, supporting me and my needs, just being a really great husband! It's such a change from how bad things had gotten. I never would have believed that we could have gotten to this point where things are this good, again!! It's like a miracle to me. I think we just realized how much we had to lose, and got to a point where we no longer take our marriage and relationship for granted. We're finally both willing to work hard at it, and do what it takes. I'm not saying things are perfect; that's unrealistic to me. But things are much better over all.

HOWEVER..............and this is the ironic part. About two weeks ago I reached another burn-out point. I have not been getting near enough sleep, what with my graveyard shifts, getting up in the night with sick and teething babies, etc.--and Daniel has hit the terrible two's with a vengeance. DH has been picking up a lot of overtime at work, and that is hard on me, 'cause I need his help so much. It doesn't help that it's winter and I don't get out enough. So, after a few melt-down's and feeling completely out of control--DH took me to see a crisis worker at the ER the other night, and I am back on an antidepressant (I had really bad PPD, and it felt like the same symptoms lately), and I have been told (and I agree) that I have to make some serious changes with my life: like GET MORE SLEEP! (duh!) and go see a counsellor for myself alone, and so on. So, I am trying, and we'll see how it goes. DH took two days off work, and that helped a lot. I have a huge amount of anxiety--and I hope the med. will help with that, more than anything. Seriously--my anxiety is way out of control!! And I am going to make sure I sleep longer, after my night shifts, and try to change my schedule, some, if I can. I also have to go to bed earlier. And I have to find a babysitter to use once in a while, so I can get out when I need to............

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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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I was looking at the PPD board tonight, after having gone to my Dr. today. Everything suddenly made a lot more sense, about my PPD/depression and anxiety relapse. I've been doing a lot better lately, since that awful day, a week ago. My relationship with David is better than ever, and the kids and I are doing well. I sure do love them tons!!

(I posted on the intros to the PPD board)

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Wow, what a lot going on right now in my life! I'm doing a lot better emotionally, lately. Probably partly the med I'm on, and partly just the fact that I've been learning so much about myself and also my relationship with David. I've learned what buttons I can push and which ones I can't, how much to vent, and when to keep some things to myself, or quit venting. I've learned to be able to communicate better, to express myself and make my expectations, needs and frustrations clearer, but also to respect the differences we have, and even accept them. We're doing really well.
So............the big news is that we are buying a house!!!!! Yea, I'm so excited! We close in two weeks!!!!! Then we can start moving! It is a great house, and it has everything we wanted. I love it, and it's so much better than our first house, which turned out to be way too much of a project for us. It is 3 bedrooms, all upstairs, 2 1/2 baths, with a jetted tub in the master--I'll be spoiled. The master bedroom also has a HUGE walk-in closet. There is a living room, a family room, a laundry room, and a nice kitchen with hardwood flooring, and new countertops, new carpeting, new paint, and nice light fixtures. Central air, a FOUR-car garage (huge!)--not that we need all that, but hey we'll use it for storage or whatever in the meantime. It is on a half-acre, horse property. We bought two miniature horses for the kids, and now I'm learning all about horses!! Never thought I'd see that day! It's fun, though! We'll get to have our doggy back! Yea, and we're looking for a second pomeranian. The landscaping is mostly all done, and very simple as far as upkeep. (whew, a huge difference again, from our first house!) It was built 3 years ago, and it's in a newly developed neighborhood, and only about two blocks from the brand new elementary school. (Nice!)
Savannah's birthday party is next week. I can't believe my little baby girl is going to be a year old! :cry: She is such a sweetie, and such a clingy mommy's girl! Not that I mind all that much. Wink
I'm sad tonight, though--she's been really sick the last two days with stomach flu; which I believe is actually Rotovirus. She's got it bad, and I'm worried that I might be taking her to the E.R. tomorrow for dehydration. We'll see if she can hold down fluids tonight and in the morning.
Savannah has been getting closer and closer to walking. She's started cruising, and she can stand by herself, without holding on to anything for a few seconds. She is so cute--mimicing things that we say all the time. She mimics Daniels's way of saying "I got it!", and she has a favorite word lately: dog! She called the horses "dogs" today. I had to laugh. We let her sit up on Chip, while I was holding her, and she squealed with delight. Both my kids are animal-crazy already. I guess that figures, with their daddy's genes.
Daniel had a blast with his cousins today at the family's Superbowl party. He is such a socialite! He has a great sense of humor. We was cute last night with me, sitting on my lap, watching the movie "White Fang 2". I can tell that his imagination is really developing. He is my good little helper around the house. His favorite "toy" lately is the swiffer-wet jet mop. :roll: He loves to push the button on it to make the whirring sound. So I just take the cleaning solution out of it. Last night he helped me put all the silverware away in the drawer as I emptied the dishwasher. We're still working on the potty training thing. It's still a work in progress......
Valentine's Day is coming up. Oh, man--what am I going to do for David? Well, I know we'll enjoy it, anyway. I love all the holidays.

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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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It's been three months since I last wrote anything here in my journal, but I think I need to add to it again. First of all, we love our new house. It's been a perfect fit for us, and we're really happy there. David finally graduated from college, with his Bachelor's degree in Business Management, although he technically has one class left to finish, which ends on June 19th. The kids are doing well; growing like little weeds. Very cute little weeds, though Lol They get into SOOO much trouble together, and they are SOO fast at it! But they both have a very tight hold of my heartstrings! It's funny, 'cause Daniel is ALLL boy: rough and tumble, way into sports and always a busy little on the go boy. Savannah is ALLL girl. She is the pampered princess who loves to cuddle and kiss and be held. She loves her dollys and stuffed animals and play kitchen. And I SWEAR I did NOT push them in those directions; they just naturally went that way! Anyway, moving on.....the biggest thing right now is that I am trying to make a huge, very difficult decision about my career. To make a long story short, I have to choose between working at a hospital that is close by with a short commute, in the well-baby nursery for the most part, which I would love, BUT I'm not all that sure that they would be willing to work with me on my scheduling needs--trying to coordinate my schedule with my husband's so that we can take care of the kids without dumping on my parents so much anymore. That is hugely important to me. They just seemed kind of flakey and disorganized, and like they're going through a huge transition right now, too. The director has only been in that postion for a month! The other job is SOOO much further away, and the pay is significantly less. BUT they really seem so much more on top of things, and much more professional. They are going to be remodeling their unit so it will be all nice and new. I would also be in danger of losing some hours still, occasionally, at the first hospital, but probably not at the second one. Ughhh, I just wish I knew for sure what to do--and I have to make up my mind by tomorrow morning. I'm going to call the first hospital tomorrow morning first, and ask her one more time for more specifics on the scheduling. I sure hope everything works out how I want it to. I'm so stressed about it right now.
The other thing is that I have been doing GREAT on my med for generalized anxiety, etc. It has made ALL the difference.............up 'til NOW :? Yikes, the last few days though, I feel like I've suddenly had kind of a relapse, or something, but not quite as bad. But all of the sudden I'm losing my temper and going out of control berserk again, and fighting more and more with David. I hate that so bad! I'm really wondering if I might be PG again? It is possible. We have been talking about TTC #3 this fall, but we kind of had an "oops" recently....won't go into details, but anyway.....if I don't get a visit from Aunt Flo in the next few days, I'm gonna test, and see. At least that would explain my weird mood swings! Well, I guess that's it for now.....just a little stressed about things right now. :-?

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Oh, I totally forgot to add: David has been acting so moody and weird himself, lately. I can't help but feeling like it's dejavu. And I'm so afraid of going back into the vicious cycle of me feeling guilty for causing him to be moody because I blew up over something, and then I resent that, and so we fight even more.......tonight he SHOCKED me, when he said in conversation: ...."well, maybe we'll just have two (kids) (and not any more)..." WHAT???????????????????????????????????? Since when???? We've been talking about having at least four kids since we were dating, almost 5 years ago!! I about lost it. OK, he is definitely acting weird again....and I don't like it one bit! I'm worried!

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Wow. I just wrote a huge-long post and the computer ate it. Now I don't have the energy to retype it all. *Sigh* Maybe later......Don't ya just love modern technology?