Wow I tried to condense that last post because it was taking too damn long to get it all written down. I finally made a hair appt for today at noon...I'm so frustrated with myself these days. Last night after khylen went to bed, I parked my butt on the computer and played EQ till almost midnight. Then took a shower, decided to slather on some self tanning lotion on my arms to hide the hideous farmer's tan and on my legs to get rid of the death like whiteness. Trimmed and plucked and cleaned up my eyebrows, then ordered some cheap makeup from a catalog I got in the mail the other day--it was a good deal and hey, can't really go wrong with getting some eye makeup and lipstick..If it doesn't match, I'll mix it in with another old lipstick I have. Made me feel better anyway. Now onto the hair....Not sure what I want to do with it...It's very long now, fried from all the coloring, blow drying and curling irons...I really want to go shorter again but I just don't want to end up looking, well, matronly....I guess I'll consult Maggie who does my hair....
Trying to give myself a little more time to focus on myself in the evenings. It makes me feel better, then I can focus on other things like my family and friends. The other day when we all went to the driving range to hit some golf balls, dh's friends was videotaping my swing without me knowing it. I'm not an avid golfer, in fact this is the first time I've been to a driving range. I was having fun! The next day they were watching the video and I saw myself on tv. I really really loathe looking at myself on video. I'm convinced I look nothing like that ugly chick I'm seeing on that screen. My nose looks big, my features look shapeless and flat...and my ***....Oh my god, where'd my *** go? I have no ***!!!! Jeez, do I really slouch like that??? My god, what the hell happened to my hair? It looks horrible! Where's my chin??? Jeez I could go on and on and unfortunately that image of myself is permanently burned into my retinas.
Ugh....Considering getting those underwear that have butt pads in them....already wearing a push up bra to prevent looking like my breasts are migrating southward.
OK so I'm desparate in physically changing myself. The hair--what better place to start? I'm going grey, getting more and more grey---can't afford to spend the money or the time to get that done today---will remember to buy the over the counter stuff at the supermarket....Just remembered I have some vegetable red dye in the bathroom that I was going to use while pregnant---hmm it's been a couple of years tho---hopefully it's not expired or anything....Will this stuff cover the grey areas and make my hair look better or will it not show up at all, or will it turn my hair Bozo the Clown red? Oh well if it does, I'll just look trendier I suppose, or look like an desparate aging woman trying to look younger with a Bozo the Clown red do....
I'm rambling, rambling, rambling and thinking "aloud" to myself...This what happens when there's not much to do at work....We're all suppose to go in the conference room soon and watch the movie that we're supposedly going to develop a game around....I better get busy....
During the last hour of work, my best friend called..She had bought a sofa from Ikea and wasn't sure of it was gonna fit into her car. I told her I'll help her out if she needed it---she went to go measure her hatchback space and sure enough there was no room. No problem. I have no problem with helping her--soo I suggested that I leave work at my usual time and meet her at her place. Since DH's car has a specially made carseat to deactivate the airbag in his mid-life crisis sports car I asked him to pick Khylen up from my aunt's so I could meet her and help her out. With a little whininess in his voice has asks if I have to--well look mister, she's bent over backwards to help us and even babysat our son last night so we could have a date night---it's the least I could do...So he whines and takes off at the same time I do. I reach my friend's place, and luckily took our time with gathering some things of hers, going to the bathroom, etc... When her cel phone rings---dh calls and he's been trying to put the carseat in his car....well the dip**** salesman didn't bother to tell us that we need to get the deactivation system INSTALLED before using the carseat--and he was there when we bought the damned seat!!! The seat WAS NOT CHEAP!!! FINE!! So I tell my friend that I have to go pick up Khylen, drop him off home, then meet her at Ikea....Race to pick him up, drive another half hour to the house, then dropeed him off with DH, went to Ikea and got there at closing time. Luckily she had just got out there with the couch rdy to be loaded...Couldn't figure out how to get the stupid cargo cover off, after several minutes, and after reading the car manual over and over again, fnally got it off, got the couch in and headed back to her place. Unloaded the couch--at this time it was past 9pm...I'm hungry, and oh, when dh called me about the careat, he wants ME to pick up DINNER on my way HOME. I call him after we get the couch up, DH is curt and says I'm waking Khylen up---well **** you too. Look into my wallet, have no cashola, **** it, drive home and tell him got no money on me---by this time it's 10pm, dh is busy reading a script, practially ignores me and now is being a real jerk by giving me the cold shoulder. **** you **** you **** YOU.
I can't stand this ****ty attitude and this ****ing disrespect. I've been ****ing planning his goddamned birthday party cuz he'll be turing 40 in a few weeks,,,but now,, you know what? I don't wanna spend the time and energy on him. He's such a drag.
Time does certainly fly by! I've just got through reading all my posts and I've been hit by a flood of memories! Wow that was back in 2003!
A lot has happened since then and a lot has changed. After DH's company went under, DH decided to devote his time to his new business for a few months while I had gotten another job at another videogames company. I worked on two games there, made some good friends, worked until almost a year until the company decided to let a number of us go including yours truly. After that stint, I contracted for a few companies and am now working at home finishing up a project that I had been involved with for over a year now. Since then, DH had found a job at all placed at Disney. He was such an anti Disney guy for a long time, but I guess all things are possible hah!
He has now been at Disney for over a year now, and now is a VP there. We just had another baby too--another boy! We named him River--which I hated when DH suggested that, but now it's grown on me. DH and I had our ups and downs but now mainly we've worked out most of our differences and since having two kids now, we've pretty much divide up the responsibilites between the both of us. Life is so much better! I think both of us has grown since my last post in this journal and we're much happier.
Khylen has started kindergarten this year! He's a great kid--still energetic as ever and a lot of fun! This Tuesday will be his first piano lesson. I chose the music school because it was similar to the training I had when I was growing up. They teach the traditional Russian way and are very serious with their training and repetoire. They standard age of acceptance is 6 years old, but Khylen was evaluated last Friday to see if he was musically able to follow a beat and sing back certain notes on the piano. He was totally fine. He has a great memory, especially when it comes to music.
I've been a WAHM/SAHM for about a year now. It's been great and challenging, especially now. I vowed that I would "do it right" with our second child by staying at home and being there for our kids. No guilt, no regrets for me! It is geting hard though to work and care for a four month old when Khylen's in school. It's damn near impossible when both are at home!
My BF has been unemployed for over two years now. She has a lot of emotional baggage that she has to deal with. As a result of this emotional baggage, she's totally become an alcoholic. I hadn't seen her since last February when I took her out for her birthday. I hadn't allowed her to come see the baby. I can't have her near my family until she gets her **** together and start dealing with her drinking problem. So far, she has done nothing to help herself. I've spoke with her a few times over the phone, even voiced my concern with her drinking. I think I need to come down hard and just tell her exactly what I feel. I think that last straw was that a few times that she did call me it was late at night and she was obviously drunk (why the hell do drunk people feel compelled to call people in the middle of the night??) and she also denied that she had been drinking when I confronted her. So there it is. I feel I can only tell her my concerns, but I can't be holding her hand and mother her because one, she needs to do it herself, and two, I've got a family to take of and I'm too exhausted to do it.
So, that's what's been happening in my life so far since 2003. I've distanced myself from someone who needs to help herself get better, I've grown closer with DH, I've grown closer friendships with other friends and made new friends. Next month, we'll be going on a family vacation with our good friends who have an 11 month old son. It'll be the first time we spend Christmas away from home! I'm so excited because we hadn't taken a vacation in years and it's been long overdue! I'm very happy these days. Life is so good right now!