My journey through PPD...
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Thread: My journey through PPD...

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    Default My journey through PPD...

    I have debated about starting a journal for a while now. I have debated even more upon the name. I hesitate to even use the word "through" because sometimes I feel that PPD will never end for me but in the book of Psalms the Bible says, "Yea tho I walked through the valley," that is my proof that God will get me through this valley.

    Who am I? My name is Jessica. I have two beautiful little boys and a phenomonal husband, Jeremy. My oldest son, Carter, is 4 1/2 years old and my little one, Grant, is 7 1/2 months. I have a strong faith in God and I know that Jesus is "the way, the truth, and the life". I am certain that God is using me and my struggles with PPD as a way to comfort others in their time of struggles but it seems to be hard sometimes to keep the faith. This is my journey...

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    On October 31, 2005 I got some surprising but wonderful news, "Congratulations, your test was positive". Until that point it didn't really sink in for me, I had watched closely to see if that double line would appear but still couldn't believe it when it did. My first pregnancy was not uneventful, it was full of high blood pressure, bed rest, and a very difficult labor and delivery. Carter was born at 35 weeks and 2 days by emergency C-section after 36 hours of labor and spent the first 8 days in the NICU. It took me several years to realize that the tough time I had after Carter was born was more than the "baby blues," I had PPD and was too naive to even know it. I promised myself the day that I found out I was pregnant for the second time that I would never let the overwhelming sadness go...I would ask for help.

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    My second pregnancy proved to be as eventful as my first; high BP, bedrest, and another C-section. Grant was born at 37 weeks 2 days, not "premature" by normal terms but yet he was whisked away to the NICU and I was told that my son was suffering from "premature lung disease". Why in the world is this happening to me again? I just could not understand why I would have to go through this twice. Why?

    I tried to be strong. Over the next several hours I would have visitor after visitor. At one point, I looked around my hospital room and there were 11 people there to "visit" me. I started to feel overwhelmed but I put on my "mask" and smiled and was as polite as a person could be...especially considering that I just had a baby. I smiled but I was starting to feel something inside...I remembered the feeling...

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    By the next day, I was sick, I was in pain, not just physical...it was inside. I cried. I walked down the long hallway from my room to the NICU. I heard a baby crying from it's mommy's room---I felt jealous---why couldn't my baby be in the room with me. I cried. I picked up the phone and had to ask permission to visit my child. It was like he didn't even belong to me. I walked down that hall...the same hall that I had walked down 4 years earlier...and scrubbed my hands. I went to my baby...he was perfect...but was he really mine? I didn't feel very attached to that beautiful baby, I couldn't hold him so it was tough to tell if he was "real" in a way. I touched his hands, I cried...

    The reporitory therapist came over to talk to me. I knew him immediately. "Kurt" was his name...he was the RT for Carter just 4 years before. It hit me again.

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