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    Default My Life?

    Well, I have been telling myself for awhile now that I should start this General Journal. I have one of Liam & my TTC one. Thing is, I don't have one for ME.

    My name is Diane & I am 25. I got married in '99, but James & I haven't been together for a year & a half. We have a DS, Liam who will be three October 11th. We did try hard to work things out a few times, but we never could really get along after I came home in 2001 for my surgery .

    Sometimes we still talk, aside from Liam issues, but we usually just end up fighting big time. I've been seeing someone that I care alot about since the beginning of January. Up until about a week ago things were great. For the past little while, my job was in the way. We never got to see each other (I worked 6 nights a week). One of my so called friends from work was drunk one night on shift while I wasn't working, & he was there & she proceeded to tell him a whole bunch of stuff about me...some true & some exaggerated.

    Anyhow, she didn't want to go home after her shift, she had gotten him mad as hell at me & so a whole bunch of staff & friends went to his place at like 6am. He called me up & told me he wanted to end it.

    He called me back the following day & we talked a bit and he said that he still loves me and such. We talk every day & manage to see each other when we can since then. I told my work (OK, I work in a "Gentlemen's Club"~~~AT THE DOOR !!!) that I needed to cut my shifts back to either part time or just on call. It was really stressing me out in many ways. Plus, I am trying to go back to school for September.

    Now we are kinda in a jam. The end of February, we had a mc (we are pretty sure of it) & now dispite all the problems we are going through, my AF should have been here yesterday morning (April 19th). He knows I am late but we are going to wait until the 24th, when I see my family Dr. for a test. I know that I have been VERY stressed lately & that is pretty much what I am thinking is going on.

    Here are some of my signs that I could be PG~*~
    Late AF
    Sore BBs
    Increased appetite
    Tiredness
    Weight gain
    Moodiness (cry for no reason)


    BUT~this could be due to stress or just a late AF...

    Hummm, but I will let you know each day if I get AF or not & then what happens on the 24th.

    Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far!!

    Diane

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    [color=indigo]Well, still no AF this morning (Monday) . I'm still going to wait till the 24th to test. It's only like 2 more days. Plus, I started feeling AF type cramps tonight...

    Justin & I were going to get together today, but we talked lots on the phone instead. There has been some upsetting news for him from back home . Tomorrow though, when he is done work in the afternoon, we are supposed to make plans to get together... I hope I get to see him. We haven't seen each other in about a week...

    Liam was so cute tonight too! I took him out for a walk before bedtime, and he wanted to wear his PJ's that have footballs, soccer balls & basketballs on them~oh yeah &
    ORANGE trim !! Then he NEEDED to wear his Bob The Builder winter boots & Bob The Builder winter touque!! To top it all off, poor guy ended up tripping & scrapped his knees a bit .

    Well, till my update tomorrow...

    Diane

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    Well, yup, still no AF . I've been real sick today too. I've been heaving {TMI} & all I want to do is sleep.

    Plus, I am real pissed off. Jay is being a ****. i don't know what the hell is going on, but we were supposed to get together early today. I called him at 4 like planned, then he was gonna call me when he was done some **** in 2 hours. Yeah, that shoulda been 2 hours ago! I did try calling him, and someone picked up the phone, but didn't say anything. Just stayed on for like 30 seconds, then hung up. WTF?

    Great, and here I thought he'd be there for support~yeah right.

    Liam went to his Dad's for a couple of days, and I hate it . I miss him so much when he is gone.

    Anyhow, till tomorrow...

    Diane

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    This post should be a quickie!! Still no AF, but I've been having constant AF type cramps & my thighs are starting to hurt . Argggg! This waiting is so frustrating!!

    I talked with Jay last night. Of course we didn't get together. He did shed some insight on his "job". Yeah, 'nuff said. Anyhow, he did tell me that he loves me & that it was my "purity" (no smoking, drugs, etc) that attracted him to me in the first place and made him fall in love with me. But now he doesn't want to bring Liam or I into everything & he is scared that I may be PG...

    MEN

    Diane

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    ...Later Post!

    Well, I guess I shuldn't jump to conclusions so quickly!! Maybe that is just the possible PG brain thing happening again !!

    I just got off the phone with Jay & he actually talked about how I was feeling and such. We talked about my Dr.'s appointment tomorrow. I was suprised. He wants to go to a movie tonight if he gets his money !! That quite suprised me.

    He told me again that he loved me.

    Diane

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    BF..................Da Da Da Dum!.........................................P!!

    My pregnancy was confirmed this afternoon!! Going by my last AF, my due date is December 29th 2003!! I see my OB June 4th, maybe sooner, as I am High~Risk...

    Diane

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    ~~~WARNING...I will be upset in this post ~~~

    OK, I am going to vent and whine and such here...Please forgive me in advance. I just found out this afternoon (4/24) that I am PG. Now, ever since I had Liam, I wanted to have another baby. Situations arose and DH & I never got PG. Then we split up (long story). We tried a few times to get back together, to make it work, but it never happened. Now, here I am, the end of September will mark 2 years since we've lived together.

    I started seeing some at the beginning of January of this year. Everything had been wonderful~up until about 3 weeks ago when we took a break. We still saw each other & talked everyday & yes, still .

    Low and behold, I was supposed to get AF on the 19th...Yup, didn't happen. Now here I sit. Jay new right as soon as I got out of the Dr.'s office. To make a long story short, he doesn't want this PG. 1)We're not together~although there is hope that we may get back together. 2)He is going back home (a different Province) in June.

    I don't know what to do. I am High~Risk already & I've had 2m/c's before my DS.Naturally, I didn't want to be 26, divorced (not yet), with two kids by 2 different guys. I didn't plan on this, but it happened. I can't just rid of it because it doesn't fit into my plans.

    Now he is mad at me & I don't really care... But, I am still hurt & scared & upset & alone.

    It doesn't feel possible that I can do this on my own...

    Diane

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    Today has been a crappy day. Suprise suprise. I am not able to sleep at night. Last night I felt so short of breathe it was unreal. Today then, I went to work with a friend who is moving to Croatia soon to get my pay cheque. No big deal.

    Well, Jay calls me when I am on my way home & tells me that his roommate wants to talk to me. Sure. Then he accuses me of stealing a ring from the house yesterday while I was there...then I get this, "Well, we're not saying it was you. Maybe your son took it". My son is 2.5 years old. What a bunch of jerks.

    Then I hear in the background, the roommate yelling..."Tell her I'll carve her up if she doesn't give it back."

    Yup, you read that right. And what does Jay say in response to that? Nothing. He tells me, well, what I am I supposed to say to him? I was so floored. He also never fails to tell me now that he doesn't want me to continue PG. I can't believe it. Naturally, I never planned on being 26 with 2 kids by 2 different dads & divorced.

    But, it happens. I've had 3 m/c's. One with a set of Twins. How the hell could he expect that I would be ok going through with an abortion? I am so frustrated & all I want to do is cry. I have no one, as my family doesn't know & I can't tell them till after 12 weeks (too scared of m/c again). Jay is a lost cause obviously & the one girlfriend that I have told, knows him & what he is like & I know that it is not safe for me to have this child.

    I feel so lost.

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    Well, I haven't updated for bit. Sorry about that. It was Jay's B~Day yesterday & we went out for dinner & then got a hotel. Everything was awesome. So I thought. Whatever.

    Today, I registered for school & a bunch of other things & then I talked to Jay & he was all like, well, you know you've got me by the balls, right? I don't care. I don't want anything from him. I would like for him to be in the child's life, but I know it may be hard if he's living in a different Province.

    But, I can't have an abortion just because he might not be living here. He says that that isn't fair to him. Well, how is it fair to me to abort a child, when I feel it is wrong?

    Diane

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    Not too much is new. I will be updating this later tonight...

    Diane

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