This is my life?

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Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67
This is my life?

So I decided that I need somewhere to complain about my life! I think what I have discovered though is that I have just lost me. I use to be so much fun and out going but when I met dd's father and then had her I lost me. So this will hopefully help me track finding me again. Time to start doing something for me!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So I feel kind of inspired to write today...I should warn though that I am not good at writing. I write the way I talk and sometimes it really only looks good to me!

So Mothers Day was WONDERFUL!!! I have the absolute best bf ever. He got me a new coffee table and cd/radio for work. Then Sunday he and Tabatha got up and made breakfast cleaned the house and gave me their cards. In the cards were gifts as well! I got a $50 gift card for Target so that I can start to do something to the house and then some tanning sessions to my favorite place to tan! I am even went tanning last night! Back to the cards...he wrote the most beautiful note to me! I really could not ask for more in a man. We went to my dad's for dinner and dbf helped my step mom cook dinner! I mean how many men out there would do these things?! So yes I got spoiled and I deserve it and am trying to learn how to accept that. I am so use to doing for myself that I have a very hard time understanding and excepting gifts/help of any kind really.

So while on the subject of dbf, he plays pro soccer for a living and travels at least 6 months out of the year. While he is away it is always hard. I know he is the most faithful man ever but there is always this part of me that wonders if he is telling me the truth or what he is really doing. I don't know why! He has never given me any reason what so ever to question these things but I always do and I do not tell him because he does not get it so I keep it bottled up inside and then I read about somebody’s so/dh/dbf cheating on them while away on business and I go into stress mode! I am there now in fact and can't seem to get it out of my head. How do I work through this???? It's almost like I know in my heart that he is faithful and loves me with every part of him BUT my mind starts working and I start to over think every little thing that could happen or if what he has told me etc...and it goes on an on for days until I just can't handle it any more! Maybe it is because half of the guys he plays or has played with are like that! I mean why is it so freaking hard to stay faithful even if you have had a drink or two? I guess that is why I get so freaked out if he goes down town with the guys and not me! UGH!!! Why do I do this?

So besides that everyone is doing well. Tabatha starts speech therapy next week and am really hoping that it helps her. She has such a HUGE vocabulary but just can't annunciate.

I'll update again sometime soon...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So dbf and I talked last night for a little bit. I don't think we have really talked in a while. One of his best friends is going through a divorce. Basically they were the most perfect couple and she cheated on him and then left him. He was/is a wreak and seems to think that having sex with a million diff women is the answer to this. When dbf talks to him all I hear about is how much fun schmitty is having blah, blah, blah...then he wants me to come down some time soon. Well here is where I have a problem. When dbf and I started dating is when schmitty's wife left so he basically tried to talk dbf out of getting serious with me. Of course I am bothered by the fact of schmitty! Who wouldn't be? I know dbf is faithful and what not but to have a friend like that?! He has never wanted to meet me etc. If this guys is suppose to be so important to you and your life and he is one of your best friends don't you think he would want to meet someone so important in your life now?! Andy who lives in TX is dbf other best friend is dying to meet Tabatha and I! It'll all gets to me I guess. Well anyway so dbf feels like he cannot talk to me now about schmitty and it really bothers him. So what do I do? How do I explain to him how I feel about it with out upsetting him? I tried last night...still not sure how it went but I guess we shall find out!

He wants to also talk about a huge gap in my life that I don't talk about. There are reasons for that, good ones. That is one of those things better left alone...you want to see me become an emotional mess? Well then lets talk about it but remember you wanted it and I expect you to be there with me through it all! But then there is so much of it that I don't really remember. I was so young...

Well enough about that. I just spoke with Tabatha’s service coordinator for her speech therapy. Can't tell if it is a man or woman but either way they talk way too fast! The county is supposed to be paying for this and they want my insurance companies name? I am so confused! So anyway I think we got it straight...he/she is supposed to be faxing me some stuff to sign so we will see.

Well I suppose I should work now...be back soon, I hope.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Wow look at that, two entries in one day!!!

So before I went to lunch I got a call from dbf and we were talking and then he tells me that he and the "guys" are going to see the matrix tonight. I wanted to go! One of the guys is taking his girl! Of course though who would be able to stay with Tabatha until possibly 12 or so?! That is when I get upset and bottle things up. I want to be able to do those things with him and other couples but I can't and so then I start to resent him and what does that accomplish? Did he choose to have a child at 19? Did he choose to be a single mom? No I did, so how can I be upset with him for wanting to go to a movie? I can't but I am!!! I guess I expect him to be as committed to Tabatha as I am. I can't expect that though because she is not his dd she is mine, and my responsibility...ykwim?

All right so I got that out now how do I work through it so that I do not feel mad at him?

On another note I talked to my son's mom today and it looks like court could be this summer or a year from now. So in the meantime Autumn gets very, very attached to her family, the family she has known now for a year, and the courts could pull her at any time! I just don't know what to do for them. I try to be there but it is almost like they won't talk to me about this. I talk to them about just about everything but when it comes to this they just do not share and that hurts. But I respect them and know they will talk to me when they are ready...right?

Well I am off to do some more work!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Just testing my new sig...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So I did it again. I pushed dbf away and he has no idea why. I was so rude to him on the phone last night...I pretty much hung up on him. I know he has got to be so mad at me. I feel like I am 10 when I act like this but it is just like it happens with out me even realizing it! He went to dinner and the movie with friends and I hate that he can do those things and I can't but yet he does not get that. It's like it is so hard for men to see that. UGH! I know that she is mine not his, that she is my responsibility not his, I know that I can't expect him not to do these things just because I have a kid and can't do these things. So why do I still feel this way? I want to be mad at someone for the way my life is but guess what? In a way my life is how it is because of me! One thing not too many people know is that dd father purposely got me pg because he knew I was going to leave him. He always pulled out and this one time I asked him if he pulled out he told me yes and guess what later in life I found out he did not...he told! BUT I choose to keep my sweet girl and I do not regret that at all! There are just sometimes I wish that I was not in the situation that I am in.

I was hoping this would make me feel a little bit better and help clear my head a bit but it is not so I am going to try and get some work done instead. If anyone has any advise on how not to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me, please share!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So dbf came over last night and the same thing that happens every time I get mad happened last night. I melted...he just does that to me. So I told him I was upset with him but really I am upset with myself and have been taking it out on him and that we would talk about it tomorrow. So that is where things are right now. I feel a little bit better and I am sure once I explain to him again how I feel I will feel a lot better and I know that we will work though it.

So he leaves tomorrow for their game in Montreal. One of his best friends from high school...and an old crush...is going to drive from VT to see him play. They have not seen each other in 5 years so I know he is excited about it. It is funny every time he talks about her he always says you know Kate in VT that is married...It's like he has to remind me that she is married but he really does not have to. My best friend is a guy, although I never had a crush on him, he did have one on me though. He is with the most wonderful girl now! I can't wait for them to get married!!! One thing that does bother me is that there is this girl in NC (she is Jennifer Garners cousin) they kind of had a little fling going on for a while before he met me. Anyway she calls him at all hours of the night and come to find out she is trying to find a job somewhere in VA now... Stupid I know but I wonder if she knows about Tabatha and I? I know he tells everyone about us but I still wonder if he has told her. I tell you what when she comes to town I damn well better be with him when he goes to see her!

How is it that this journal has become more about him than finding me? Maybe I just have to work though all my little weird insecurities with him first then I can focus on who I am again. I know I am a mother, birthmother and a very dedicated girlfriend. Those are all such wonderful things to be and I am very proud to be all that BUT I need to find the fun and outgoing Stacy again. I need to put the shy and rude Stacy back because that is not who I am that is what I have become and I can change that...right?!

Well I am going to try and get some work done. Tabatha is staying at my dad's house tonight so that dbf and I can have a little alone time together before he is away for 3 days. Although I have to go pick her up from dad's by 8 so we can make it to gymnastics on time!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So a dear wise friend helped me put things in to better words today and she gave me some great advise. Here is a little bit of her email:

It took me a while to get to that point with dh too, it's just an adjustment, sometimes a VERY conscious adjustment, I have to think, just because I can't go doesn't mean he can't, and quite deliberately tell him to go and have fun and that I'll be fine even if I don't feel like it and even if I wish he'd stay home with me ...

We had to go on this incredibly awful "Engaged Encounter" when we got married, the only thing I learned that was useful, while quite dorky, was from an older couple that had come to talk to us, One of the things that they'd done all through their marriage was to remind the other person what was "Life Giving" -- ie. If the wife wants to have her hubby help with the dishes, but there's 10 minutes left in his football game, she can quite deliberately say, "The dishes will wait for the next 10 minutes for you, I'll be 'Life Giving' and not complain about you watching your football game" or he can say, "There's only 10 minutes left in the game, you're not being very 'life giving' insisting I do dishes RIGHT now"--- VERY dorky, but dh and I liked it --

I know it's gooberish, but it kinda helped us look at our life together as what it should be, a chance for us to make each other happy, this only works in a relationship where both people REALLY want their partner to be happy, if one person is really only looking to make themselves happy, it's not going to work in the least ... but that's why marriage or any good relationship should be a compromise, it's not about what I need to be happy, it's about me doing what I can to make dh happy, trusting that he'll do the same for me

Sorry longer than I thought but really it is a wonderful piece of advise. So dbf and I are going to talk tonight and I feel confident that it is something we can work on together. We both want each other to be happy and I feel as if he does everything in his power to make sure I am happy so why can’t I do this? I can and I will but it is going to take some time and help and we can do that. We are a team in many ways although I think I am so use to being independent that I loose sight of that sometimes. I will update maybe this weekend but most likely not until Monday. Wink

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So we did not talk until last night but it went really, really well! He wants me to just tell him something is wrong we will talk later instead of just shutting him out. So I am going to work on that and he is going to try and be more understanding. It is like last night though all I wanted to do was stay over there and finish watching the movie we were watching and instead had to go home since DD's father wanted to leave...it is his night...the papers say I have until 9:30, it was only 8! Those are the little things that get to me and then I shut everyone out, including Tabatha, and everyone knows it is not her fault!!! So I had to make myself snap out of it...and I did but it is still hard for me. I can't help but think how much easier but tough things would be if we just moved in together. I don't know if that will ever happen but I think there is a possibility at the end of the season for it.

Gotta go not doing too well with typing right now...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well it has been a week since I have written.

Lets see what is new? Last week was kind of crazy :roll: . Tabatha started her speech therapy...not too impressed with her therapist but we will see how tomorrow goes. It has rained for over a week straight now so in a way it has been nice because I get my honey home when the fields are too wet to play on. They lost there game on Friday 2-1. Then Saturday we went to gymnastics and there were two new kids...the parents were ummmm pushy? Not sure what you would call them but when we get a ball/balloon/bean bag I ask her what color. Well the one little boy had already gotten his and as Tabatha picked up the yellow one and brought it too me I asked her what color it was and she said "yellow" well I had just finished what I was saying and this dad yells to his son "what color do you have Max" kid does not answer...he keeps going! That was just the beginning! Then there is this little girl and her mom...mom looked like she was an ex-cheerleader but like 20 years ago...I mean that is how she dressed. Poor kid was out of control and the mom was just all over the place and yelling and clapping and so many other crazy things. I feel so mean but I really HOPE they do not come back!!! I know I am evil :twisted: Well after that we went to McDonalds and got her some pancakes to eat on the way to her dad's house. Got there and she did fairly well I guess. Well not many know but my relationship with my dad is very up and down and lately it has been very down. So I went over there and he helped me change my oil…well he did the filter part…then looked at a few other things that need to be replaced and looks like he might help me pay for it! Anyway then Ronnie showed up at my house and we went and got coffee and lunch before he had to go to practice. After practice we went and saw Bruce Almighty…pretty funny not your usual Jim Cary humor so that was nice! I do not like Jim Cary very much…

Wow turning into a book!

Ronnie and I went shopping…I had a bit of a melt down. I have gained some weight…not much but enough to effect me. I also have a hard time letting him buy me stuff when he has spoiled me so much over the past couple of months and that upset him because he just wants to see me happy and knows that I do not have any decent clothes for summer. So I bought Tabatha some stuff and let him buy we one shirt. Then Tabatha and I went Sunday and I got some clothes…bills…what bills?! I got Ronnie a gift too! It’s not much but he has been talking about getting a George Forman grill for a while and I found a small one on sale so I got it! I hate that he can always do stuff for me and I can’t do things for him. So I did! Lol

Anyway they lost their game on Monday as well…2-0. Just not a good start to there season…what makes it so much worse is that they are stupid goals that he missed! Sad

All right well now we are at today. I am sitting at work…listening to our team meeting via conference call…boring!!! :roll: Nothing else really going on right now I guess. I think I need to maybe put together an entry to explain a little bit about me and my back ground…not even sure anyone reads this! Oh well be back later…

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

OMG I had this huge post written and somehow I deleted it!!!!!

Okay I am going to try and re-type most of it...

Had a bad night/morning. So Ronnie had been out of town for 2 days and so by the time Tabatha was in bed he was all over me...he missed me Wink All of sudden I started having this horrible pain right below my left boob. It hurt so bad I was fighting back tears!!! I just do not know what is wrong. So it was pretty much there until around 12 when I finally was able to fall asleep. Well get up this morning no problem, Tabatha and I get into the shower, get out and it is back! So I struggle with her to get ready and it is gone! So I am sitting here at work and it keeps coming and going...I really do not know what could be causing it. My dr once told me that sometimes chest pain can be caused by strained cartridge...maybe?! I guess I will just wait it out a day or two and see what happens...in the mean time Ronnie is VERY worried about me. I love him soooo much Biggrin

So while we were fooling around last night I had this major mental image of me...I have gained a bit of weight in my thighs and butt and it is really starting to effect me and I can't go to the gym because of my back. Well it is starting to affect me in ways I never thought possible! I know Ronnie does not care...he loves me and LOVES my body but for some reason I cannot get past it! HELP!!!! So I need to start dieting again and can't do that until I can get to the grocery store...no money but I have got to go by there tonight just to get a few things to help me until I can work out again.

That takes us to going to the chiropractor tomorrow! I am sooooo excited! I LOVE the chrio! Will update you tomorrow on that...

All right today in between doing work I am going to try and put a post together about me!

Time to get something done around here!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

SO I CANNOT DEAL WITH LIFE ANY LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have had 2 break downs this week and I am about have my third! I just can't handle life! I need to leave everything in my life and start over...EVERYTHING!!!

GOD I wish I would have never, ever meet dd's father all he does is make my life a living HELL!!!!!!!!!

I am done....

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Sorry about that. I am better now. I went to the chrio and got adjusted and then got a 30 min massage. I am much, much more calm.

I am slipping into depression and it really has gotten the best of me since Thurs. Tabatha has been an absolute terror and that has not helped. I even had to take her to my dad's on Saturday because I could not deal with her any longer. I just wish sometimes that I was not a single mom and that my dbf would move in with us and take some of the load off of me. BUT then reality hits and that just cannot happen right now. I am think come Dec. we are going to move into together but I am not sure. We need to talk more about it because he keeps pushing me to sign a 6 month lease instead of 12 month...I really do love him. I do not like how my depression is affecting our relationship so I am going to try and get into my dr this week and then hopefully he can refer me to a good therapist...I really do not want meds. If anything I want blood work done first too see if they can find my imbalance. So now I have to get myself together and ask my boss for Friday off since I already have 2 other appts that day it just makes sense to make a third and take the day off...maybe I can even make it into the gym! So that is my goal...now I just really need to send her an email asking her...I guess I am so nervous since I am already taking soooo much time off for speech, chiro, dentist, drs...does it ever end?! If it's not Tabatha then its me!

I will finish later I have more to do here at work...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Okay so I do not know if this should go here or not but I can't keep it in any longer today.

Tabatha and I were in the shower this morning and she was washing herself and started to kind of cry. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her pee-pee hurt and that daddy scratched it (I know he does not have nails). I asked her again and tried to see how it happened and gave her a couple of options like "did he help you wipe after going pee-pee?" She said no and asked me to talk to him. I tried to look at her to see if I could see anything and it was red but not raw or swollen. I am so scared! I do not know what to do because sometimes Tabatha explains something to me in her way but it comes out different. So I have been trying to search the net for info on the laws if I take her into the Dr. to be checked does he have to report it ect...and NOTHING! So I called the Dr. office and told him her symptoms but nothing about what she said and he said that sometimes soap will get up there and burn and then when she tries to go pee it will burn and to just take some white vinegar in a bath and kind of flush it up towards her vagina to see if that helps and if in a week it is still there then I need to take her in. UHG!!! *If* that is what infact happened WHY would she say that daddy scratched her pee-pee?!

So now what do I do? I found a list of signs a child will give when he/she is being sexually abused and she has a few of them! I called DC and she has been very whinny and clingy but no problem peeing. So where do I go from here? I can't find any hotline numbers that are anonymous...someone please help! Ronnie and I are doing all the searching we can think of and so far nothing. He is at treatment right now so when he gets home he will do more. I swear if that bastard (dd dad) touched her that will be the end of it! I will NOT deal with that well at all!

I will update if I find anything else out. My 2 fears are that 1. nothing is going on and she just is explaining something to me in the only way she can think and if I take her to the Dr that it could open a whole can of worms with CPS and they will take her or 2. there is something going on and I am not doing enough to keep her safe! I am so worried!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well it has been 2 weeks now and I have not been on much at all. not much is new or has changed. Things with Tabatha are still pretty much up in the air. I spoke with my grandfather who is a social worker and he gave me some advice but Tabatha keeps throwing us for a loop. The other night she told me that buddy (our dog) hurt her peepee. Then yesterday after she got home from her dad's house we went to my dad's for dinner and we are all sitting there eating dinner and she blurts out "daddy hurt my peepee again". So my dad asks her to come here and says, "how did papa hurt you" with out even skipping a beat she said "not papa daddy" and then pointed to her vagina. Oh wait let me go back to last week. I did end up taking her to the Dr. told him she was still complaining about it and when I looked it kind of look red and irritated. So he looked got kind of weird look on his face and that was that. Told me to wash it with some white vinegar that sometimes when they do not wipe it gets red. So then he calls me the next day to see how she was and if she was taking her med for the cough and to see if I needed any help with anything. Weird? I don't know. I called him back late that day to ask him if there was anything else I should be looking for and I missed his call and then never talked to him again. So brings me back to what do I do? Her dad has her tonight and I am going to try and check her before I leave...as casually as possible so that she does not feed off of my reaction of things... and then check her again when I get home. IF she is red I am taking her to the Dr in the am. My dad ordered a diff camera because the one Ronnie and I got did not work. But it will not be here until the end of the week if that. I just wish I could turn to someone and have them tell me what to do BUT I can't! Everything is just crazy. I called her dad last night kind of just making small talk. Find out he is very lonely, his family has not been around much, they are not taking an active place in her life right now, he is not dating, just took on a second job at nights to keep busy and make extra money, goes to the bathroom with her every time to help/make sure that she wipes. I suggested getting some of the flushable wipes for her so that I can cross that off the list...maybe he is wiping her too hard and so she thinks he is scratching her???? God I just don't know! So that is where things with her stand. As usual if anyone who happens to even look at this knows anything about these types of situations please share.

Onto me....things with me are not going well. With everything going on and work sucking really, really bad right now I asked my dr for some help last week and so he gave me a note for Mon, Tue, Wed of last week off. I am going to see a councilor on wed night and hoping that it can become a regular thing. I am going to start working out again but just light. My chrio thinks it will be good for a number of reasons but I just do not know when I will have the time to right now. I was going to go tonight but my night has gotten so crazy and then tomorrow night is our night home I *might* make it on wed but I doubt it, thru is our night home, Friday night is Ronnie’s game and then Saturday-Sunday Tabatha is with her dad and Sunday Ronnie gets home from there away game. So I can this weekend but I need to make a better effort of it. I mean listen to my Wed Schedule: work, chrio at 10. Work, leave at 2:50 to get Tabatha for speech, counselor, and then who knows what by that time it will be 6pm!

Well I have 15 more min left in this hellhole, so I will try and update tomorrow about what happens tonight...why is this happening to us?

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well again it has been a while. Things are pretty much the same.

Tabatha said it in front of her dad on Saturday. He acted shocked and hurt...not sure if it was a real reaction or not. Anyway she has not said it since and everything looks fine down there. We are setting up the camera again tonight. Last week the battery and the tuner went out on it so all we could hear was a lot of back ground noise and her talking and singing every once in a while.

So next week she turns 3 on the 5th!!!!!!!!! Where has the time gone?! Her dad actually has her over that weekend and my dbf is out of town that whole time and I am not dealing with it well at all! I don’t get to spend my baby’s bday with her and the one and only person who knows how to distract me from it is going to be gone!!!

Well I was over at dbf house last night eating and his roommate and fiancé came in and they were talking to us and she asked me if I wanted to drive down to Charleston where they will be on Saturday the 5th until Monday the 7th. I was so excited until she said until Monday…I get Tabatha back on the evening of the 6th. Dbf kind of acted like he did NOT want me to go…I am so confused. So anyway of course I got upset and kind of just let it out on him and then when I got home I called my dad to see if there was anyway Tabatha’s dad could just drop her off that Sunday night and then I would be home on Monday. He said yes no prob but I am still torn since it is her bday weekend and the fact that dbf does not sound too happy about the fact that we could make it! So I guess we will talk about it again tonight and I really need more details on the whole trip. You know though this could be just what I need right now! When is it okay to think about yourself? I don’t feel like I am putting her second because she was going to be spending that day with my dad anyway so instead of going over in the morning of the 7th she would just spend the night…am I just trying to justify it? Maybe but GOD I need a vacation away from here! So my dear, dear friend told me to write out a list of pro’s and con’s but I think it is all really coming back to the fact that I do not think dbf wants me there…why is all I keep asking myself! Is he hiding something? Why would he do that? We talk about everything…well he does…at least that is what I think. Is there more to it than he is letting on? I don’t know but I do know that I am so PMSING!!! And this is not helping me at ALL.

Oh I called a lawyer today about the accident I was in a few months ago and he talked so fast but seemed kind of sketchy…I think I will call one more just too get a better feel for what I am looking at…KWIM?

Well hopefully I will be back here again soon…

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well I told dd's father that I might be gone and that he would need to drop her off at my dad's...he was fine with it! So now I have to talk to dbf and JoJo about it and find out more details. I mean I deserve this right? I just do not understand sometimes why he does not want me to do these things! Oh well we will see what happens tonight when we talk. He already told me he was irritated today, and he never is, so maybe not the best time to talk? Who knows! If I don't talk about it tonight and try tomorrow or Thursday then he will get upset at me for holding back BUT if I do try and talk about it tonight I might get the wrong reaction since he is not in the best mood...come to think of it I might take my chance tonight since he finds out tomorrow if he plays or not Friday and Saturday!

All right I am out of here...get to go get dd's father a bday present since she can't exactly do it!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well we talked…it went okay I guess. He was in a much better mood since they told him yesterday that he would play both games this weekend. Anyway he said he does want me to go and that it would be a nice get away for me. BUT he is worried that I would be upset most of the time because of Tabatha’s bday that weekend and that he knows I do not have a lot of money and that the lack of clothes bothers me. So how do I take that? He cares but I feel like it is excuses…Anyway he wants me to write down a list of pros and cons…I did and I have the same amount on both! The other problem is that if I do stay I KNOW I will end up getting depressed and cutting everyone off. So what do I do? Any suggestions? I am stressed about it and I know that it is a simple decision to make so why do I make it so much more difficult than it has to be? I don’t know! I do know that I do not have enough details to make a good decision. I need to know more about the cost and hotel and stuff like that. I assume we (roommates fiancé) would get separate hotel rooms, so I can’t split that. We can split gas but then there is food and honestly I don’t think I have a thing to wear! So that means I would need to do some quick sales shopping but don’t really have $$$ to do that with Tabatha b-day. I don’t know it seems like it just keeps coming back to $$$.

Well on a happier note I did find her a dress for her b-day pictures last night for only $13 at the gap! It is so pretty and I can’t wait to see her in it! Thank god her dad actually does help me with her clothes…really do not know how I could make it with out that little help he does give! Dbf is really good about helping me out with stuff I need too…I really do love him!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well it seems I spoke too soon…does not look like dd’s father is going to pay me back for what he said he would! She needs clothes and he should be helping with those kinds of things! Is that too much to ask? He just REALLY pisses me off.

So nothing new on my possible getaway. Checked hotels around the area they will be staying and I *might* be able to stay for only like $120…but then again she is sooooo damn picky and spoiled and would have to stay at the best place in town. I mean her wedding band cost $13,000, her ring was at the very least $11,000 and they have been looking into apartments in philly for the off season and the only one she will live in is $1500 a month! The only houses she would live in start at 2 million! So I guess I will just have to talk to her this weekend and find out what her plans are…who knows maybe she will be willing to lower her self a little so that I can go…

Tabatha is so excited for her birthday; she just does not understand that her party is not until the end of the month. I am going to however go this weekend and try and find some Dora toppers for cupcakes and a small cup cake tin so we can make them for her class. I might even do a little goodie bag for the kids in her class since I still have some leftovers from lasts years party, we will see what the party store has.

Well I am sitting on a team meeting, I suppose I should go listen…

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well it seems I spoke too soon…does not look like dd’s father is going to pay me back for what he said he would! She needs clothes and he should be helping with those kinds of things! Is that too much to ask? He just REALLY pisses me off.

So nothing new on my possible getaway. Checked hotels around the area they will be staying and I *might* be able to stay for only like $120…but then again she is sooooo damn picky and spoiled and would have to stay at the best place in town. I mean her wedding band cost $13,000, her ring was at the very least $11,000 and they have been looking into apartments in philly for the off season and the only one she will live in is $1500 a month! The only houses she would live in start at 2 million! So I guess I will just have to talk to her this weekend and find out what her plans are…who knows maybe she will be willing to lower her self a little so that I can go…

Tabatha is so excited for her birthday; she just does not understand that her party is not until the end of the month. I am going to however go this weekend and try and find some Dora toppers for cupcakes and a small cup cake tin so we can make them for her class. I might even do a little goodie bag for the kids in her class since I still have some leftovers from lasts years party, we will see what the party store has.

Well I am sitting on a team meeting, I suppose I should go listen…

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

SO frustrated right now! Looks as if dbf has made it clear I am not going next weekend…well we will see won’t we?! I am going over to his house tonight to talk with Johanna and see what the plan is! I am almost more determined now to find a way to go! I can tell you that we (dbf) are off track right now and I feel like he is hiding something from me and I am sick of it! He never talks to me anymore…I wanted to talk so bad last night but ever time a show came on we were watching he would turn the tv back up. Yes I could have told him I wanted to talk but he has not been saying anything lately!!! I just want to scream!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So I just got off the phone with my dad. He just makes me so ill sometimes. I love my dad and we use to have a semi good relationship but he goes through these things where he is a complete ass. I owe them for some $$$ for tires. Until Christmas of last year I was paying them regularly. Well of course with Christmas I was not able to pay and then January was a tough month so anyway I have only made 2 payments this year. I told him I had another payment for them and he then asked why I was not going next weekend and I told him $$$. He asked why I was short this month and I told him I have a lot of bills and it being summer and Tabatha needing clothes and then to top it off I have to stress about paying you. He got mad. I understand why it is so important for me to pay them back but I hate that they are constantly bugging me for it. I mean do they not see how hard I am trying right now? So he then goes on to say that I do have to pay them then. That he and Waiva (step mom) talked and I can pay them when I want. FINE!!! Well on top of that tonight my dbf’s game is going to be on fox sports world. I do not have cable since I cannot afford it. So I was going to watch it at his house, we talked about it last weekend. He informs me they are watching a movie so I can’t watch it there. All I want to do is watch my f****** boyfriends game! So now I won’t be able to see it. This is his way of throwing a fit over the $$$. So now I have to go get Tabatha from there tonight and deal with him.

Oh and about next weekend I sent dbf and email since I could not talk about it on the phone and he responded back and now everything makes sense…. I am staying. I am already fighting back the tears because I feel it hitting me…I do not honestly know how I am going to make it the next week. I have no support from anyone around me, no friends to go out with, nothing. I hate how my life has become!

Update on the counselor: she had to cancel on me. I need to try and find someone else now. I am at a point again where everything is affecting *us*. So here we go again…

Well I only have an hour…maybe I will sneak out of here like 15 min early…at least I get to go tanning tonight. :roll:

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well I ended up going over to dbf house to watch the game with Jo. We were talking and some how this weekend got brought up and I was like well I had almost everything set up so I could go with you next weekend but I just can’t afford it. She almost flipped and was like what do you have to pay for? I was like well I need to help with gas which is not a big deal it is the hotel…she got kind of upset and was like I don’t think so! I am paying for it! So guess what? I AM GOING!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell I am excited?! I think dbf and I are going shopping tomorrow night to get some clothes and a new bathing suite and Jo also wants to take me shopping…I hate that I feel like I have to turn to someone now in order for me to get help. I hate, hate, hate not having my own $$$ to do these things!

So Friday night’s game was awesome! They won 3-2 in over time. Then Saturday my dad, Waiva, Donna and Emma came to the game and dbf parents flew down for it. So the parents got to meet and come to find out my dad sees the same things in dbf mom as I do and that scares the hell out of me. I can/could make for a very long life with a lot of fights. She is very in your face, over bearing, manipulative and just down right rude…not good signs. How in the hell dbf turned out so amazing is beyond me! My dad loves him, thinks very highly of him and is impressed with everything. Anyway they won that game 1-0 in overtime and nobody knows who headed the ball in! Too many baldheads…Tabatha had sooooo much fun! She had 3 little friends to play with and my dad.

All right day 2 of being all over the place! I just can’t seem to keep my thoughts straight right now! So on that note I am going to go…

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well I just got done balancing my checkbook…I really hate doing that! I just end up depressed because I realize how much money I am lacking! Tabatha’s birthday is Saturday and I have not gotten her a thing! I am taking her to breakfast before I drop her off at her dads so at least we can do that together. She just does not need anything and I am giving her a party at the end of the month so I just don’t know what to do for her. Maybe I can jack one of the gifts I picked up from her dad and give it to her. She is going to be getting stuff the whole month of July! Why do I feel so guilty for not getting her anything? She just has so much! I mean I cannot come up with one thing that she needs! Let me take that back…she needs tank tops and shoes which I am going to get her tonight. Other than that there is nothing! I guess that is kind of a good feeling. I mean how many single moms living on there own and working full time can say that? I give up everything for her…even clothes and food for myself. But she NEEDS and WANTS for NOTHING!!!

Ugh it is so hard to be a parent!

So last night we made cupcakes for her friends at school, it was so much fun. I went and got little Dora heads for the top of them and she got to put them on all by herself, and then I gave her some mini m&m’s to put on some of the other ones. She was a complete mess by the end of it but she had so much fun!

So starting to get nervous and excited about this weekend. Dbf leaves tomorrow a.m. for 7 days away from us. I get to see him this weekend but Tabatha will not see him for a whole week…it is going to be hard on all of us but this is really the only long stretch that he is gone for the rest of the season. I need to put a list of stuff together that I need to get/take. I have nothing to travel with…I wonder if the $ store has some good travel cases…

Well only one more day here and actually today I leave at like 2:50 so that I can get Tabatha for speech. Not real sure what we are going to do on Friday yet but I am sure we will find something…maybe the pool and a little bit of running around if anything is open. I am hoping to make it to a park that does a old 4th of July celebration but it might be a bit too hot and I do not do heat well…let me take that back Tabatha does not do heat well which then puts me in a bad mood. Not sure about fire works…hoping to hang out with my dad some though.

Alright time to get something done…

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

My Best Friend

I never had no one
I could count on
I’ve been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin’
So tired of searchin’
’til you walked into my life
It was a feelin’
I’d never known
And for the first time
I didn’t feel alone

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You’re right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend (my best friend)
You’re my best friend (my best friend)

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

From This Moment On

(I do swear that I’ll aways be there. I’d give anything and everything and I will always care. through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better or worse, I will love you with ever
T of my heart.)

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I’d give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can’t wait to live my life with you, can’t wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn’t give
From this moment on

You’re the reason I believe in love
And you’re the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Okay so I have lots to update.

4th of July: Took Tabatha and did a little shoe shopping (her favorite) and then we went to the pool and she had so much fun! Then we went over to my dads for a cookout and play in the kiddie pool. Then we did fireworks and she had so much fun! She is growing up so quickly it amazes me!

July 5th (her bday): We got up and I already had us both packed for the weekend so she opened 2 presents and then we got ready and went to IHOP. She was such an angel, which makes it that much harder to leave her but I really did not have a choice since it was her dad’s weekend. So anyway we had a ball together and I dropped her off at her dad’s at about 11am. So then I headed over to dbf house to meet Jo but she was not there she had to run to patient first to get drops for pink eye. Anyway we did not end up leaving until almost 12…so instead of driving straight to Charleston, SC we ended up in Savannah, GA!!!! So we turned around and headed back to SC…all in all it took us eight and a half hours to get there! When we got there the whole team starting giving us shit it was great! Yes two girls who talk way too much totally missed the sign to get onto I26. Anyway when I get there dbf informs me that schmitty is there…so I start to prepare myself because 3 of his other college friends were also in town and they all had been drinking all day so who knows what is going to be said! We get ready and the 4 of us head out at like 9:30 at night to try and get some food! Well by now just about everywhere you go it is full of people so we finally find the guys from the team and eat about 10:30 or so. Well we get done eating and its time to hit the club where schmitty is…okay let me just stop here and say that he is exactly what I pictured but he was very nice to me! So we are drinking and what not, I am getting to know some of dbf friends and we are having a good time but I wanted to dance and dbf does not dance so I started to dance with schmitty and that got dbf to come dance with me! So I danced almost all night and had a ball. Of course though we got lost on our way home…pretty much everywhere we went that weekend we got lost! Anyway it was a good night and I am so glad I went.

July 6th: I slept until about 11:30 or so then got up and Jo and I went and walked downtown Charleston for almost 3 hours BUT we had so much fun although her sense of style is expensive…she spent $135 on a shirt that later that night ripped! She was going to buy a $158 necklace but I found a $35 one that looked better! Anyway it was fun we got lost of course and finally found the car went back to the hotel and went swimming until the guys got back from there team function. Took a nap got up and went to eat while the guys were at practice. Once they finally got home we went back downtown to go on the Ghost tour…I would recommend anyone to go down there for vacation and learn the history of that town! Okay anyway that was way cool but by the end we were hungry and thirsty! So we found an Applebees open and ate there. Went back to the hotel and got some sleep…by now it was almost 12.

July 7th: We drove home…only took us 6 hours and we did not get lost! Tabatha was so excited to see me once I got home! It was great but the only problem was that I all of a sudden become this huge emotional wreck! I cried from the moment we walked into that house. So we went and got something to eat and that kind of snapped me out of it but I got really depressed for about 2 days. Anyway dbf snapped me out of it by saying he was hundreds of miles away and that he did not know what to do but that he was very worried and he did not like it affecting Tabatha and himself. So I snapped out of it and things were okay.

He got home early Wed. morning went and picked Tabatha up from school early and then met me at home we had such a good night! We got to spend Thursday together as well and then Friday he had to leave again and got home Sunday. But we get him for a whole week! I hate the end of the season it is when things really start to get stressful!

Now that I have written a book I am signing off for a little bit…

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

It’s been a while again. Seems everyone around here is having a hard time writing lately. I just have not felt like writing lately. I am sooooooo tired and run down! I am not functioning and always all over the place with my thoughts. My body is just not functioning properly. I can’t fall asleep at night but I am so tired all day. Around 9pm or so I am wide-awake and can’t fall asleep until after 12pm. So I went to the dr. yesterday and he is running some blood work on my thyroid and I guess a few other things. I have no idea when the results will come back but god I am so sick of feeling like this. I know dbf is sick of dealing with it too.

So that brings me to dbf. You know about 3 months ago we were talking about living together after the first of the year. Well then all of a sudden they found someone else to live in the house with him during the off-season…we have not talked about it since. He has not brought it up at all! So I was told last night that because the house they live in now has such horrible air conditioning that the owner/roommate of the house is going to sell it and buy a newer one for them to live in! Why am I so irritated with this? Because (this sounds very childish btw) we were suppose to move into something a bit nicer! So now Tabatha and I are stuck in my shit ass apartment for god knows how long and he gets to move into something better, in a better community, with a yard and privacy! No one banging on the neighbors door at 1am waking up the whole house! I am just so upset over it and I can’t talk to him about it for some reason! Maybe it is because I feel so childish. I don’t know. So to top this off last night dd’s father owes me $40, I know it is not much but I have not gotten child support and right now in my checking account I have a balance of $0 and my savings have $20. I have until the 5th of August to pay about $800 on my car or they are going to come repo it. But I have to pay rent and I won’t get paid again until the 15th and my IRS money will not be here until around the 15th. I AM SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I spent the night last night crying next to dd’s bed because I can’t function any more. My body is tried and worn out. My mind is tired and worn out. And I feel as if my relationship is at a hold and that we are not moving forward. I’m not ready to get married or anything like that but you know it would be nice to know that he wants more out of us than just what we have. Sunday we had the most beautiful day every. We were a family. Got up and I went and got us some coffee, came home cooked breakfast, cleaned the house, went to the pool, took a nap together, took a shower and ordered pizza. They ran to the store and got some chocolate ice cream, Kleenex’s, and some contact solution. We watched tv and cuddled, put Tabatha to bed and then he went home…as usual….maybe I am asking too much. Maybe his not ready for what I am. Maybe he thinks he is ready but honestly he is not….

So my company is going on strike in about a week. I do not work for the union though so I get to fill in for the people who choose to strike. But my boss decided that I would be better off staying behind and filling in for those in my group that are going to be out. Fine with me I guess. I get to work 6 days a week, 12-hour days for god knows how long. There is talk that the union employees have prepared themselves financially to be out until Christmas…hopefully those are just rumors! I have no idea exactly what I am going to do with Tabatha. The extra money would be nice and is needed. Which reminds me that I need to call the yoga studio about a job offer….her vm box is full so I sent an email.

Dbf just called and is frustrated with me because he can sense I am frustrated with him and not talking to him about it. What can I do? Talk to him I know, but why is it so hard for me to talk to him about this stuff? Maybe I should just let him read this entry?! No I don’t want him to know where this is at…although maybe he already does? Oh well I am not going to go through this again.

Well I am going to go get a snack. I will come back later…not much going on around the office today.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So dbf called a while ago and we were kind of talking…more one-worded answers from both of us. Anyway I started to tell him about child support not being here yet and that my check for day care was going to bounce. He said nothing you can do about it and I said yeah I am not should not be writing bad checks! He said okay I will talk to you later. So I got upset and said bye and hung up…I think he said I love you but I did not give it enough time. So that was about 2 hours ago and I don’t think I will hear from him until tonight now. I am just so torn right now. It’s like he wants me to talk to him about why I am upset and what not but then when I start to he does that! I think this whole living together thing is really bothering me more than I am leading on. I know we have not even been together for a year yet and I don’t want to rush into anything I guess it is just the fact that I feel used almost. Like when he did not know what he was going to do in the off season he came to me and talked to me about living together after the first of the year and NOW that he has found someone to live with him and they are looking for one more person we have not talked about it at all. WTF????

There is my second vent for the day.

So I got an email from my son’s mom today. I had told her how nice it felt to be like a family on Sunday and that I think I want it more than I realized anyway here is her response and an update on a few things my son has done…I just saw them all Saturday and things were so crazy we did not get a chance to talk much….

There is nothing wrong with wanting something more permanent. You are at
that stage in your life and seeing your friends getting married etc. makes
it come to life even more for you. You and Ronnie seem so happy together
too, so it's a natural progression. We would love to see it happen for all
of you!!

Gabriel has learned to read his first book without any help! (sorry if I
told you this already, but I am SOO proud of him!) Also, I have been working
with him swimming and he can swim completely under water without holding his
nose and even dive for rings! He has come so far this summer!!! He is
really FUNNY too! What a personality he has. We have been writing all of
his letters on "highway" paper to get him a head start for next year and he
is doing excellent with them too. He is so awesome. One more funny thing
ONLY for your ears. (I don't want ANYONE to tease him about this) He has a
girlfriend and he told me he LOVES her. Her name is Skylar and she is 6.
She is blond with all four front teeth missing. Absolutely adorable!! I
never imagined this would happen this early, but he really thinks about her
often. Especially the week she was at the beach and he is already thinking
about what will happen when they both go back to school. WOW.

WOW is all I have to say.

Dbf just called I will finish later...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Candlebox - Far Behind

Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And not maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And now maybe
Your friends they stand beside they watch you crumble
As you falter to the ground
And now maybe
Your friends they stand beside as you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high
But then some day people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hear you calling home
But then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
But you left me far behind
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no
Couldn't share the pain they watch you suffer
Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
Yes maybe we might share in something great
But won't you look at where we've grown
Won't you look at where we've gone
But then someday comes tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you
in my mind
As you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life
So soon you should have told me
But you left me far behind
Now maybe I didn't meant to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
No maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
I said times have changed your friends
They come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hold you down
Hold you down
Maybe brother maybe love I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind
Left me far behind
Left me far behind

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well dbf came over last night. After dd went to bed we kind of started to talk and I guess I miss understood that he wanted us to live together. Whatever. We started to talk about the strike and why I am stressed about it. He said his solution is for him to stay every night and get up with Tabatha in the am and take her to school. So this strike could go for months and he is willing to basically live with us until it is over but when it ends he will not be staying the night again?! Right now he does not spend the night unless it is a special occasion. He has spent a total of 5 nights at my house in the 1 year that we have been together. How is this going to affect Tabatha? I sure do not want to get use to him being around that much and then he’s not. We have a meeting today and hopefully I can get some answers on what my schedule will be like and we can go from there.

Things have not been all that great with dbf and I. He keeps saying that relationships go through rough times…it’s been months…he is not happy right now and I am not happy right now. I know that he makes me happy and I love him very much but I am just not happy with my life right now. I don’t feel like we as a couple are going anywhere and that makes me unhappy. I think even before we started not doing too good that we were going anywhere…maybe that is why I am unhappy. We never talk about where we want this to go. Is it only about Tabatha? Is that why he is still around? I don’t know these are just questions that I have. We just don’t talk. I pretend like everything is okay and he is so busy with soccer and his season that I don’t think he notices when I am upset. He told me last night that he thinks about why I am so unhappy and what he can do…he cares about me so much but just does not know what to do now and he has lost almost all patience’s with me. Told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to try and look at the positives in life. He was very harsh but it honestly just felt good to hear him finally tell me what he thinks and what he thinks about me. I hate that he tries to protect me from that kind of stuff. Pretty much we left it at that and we will continue again soon.

Tonight is dds dad’s night and so I usually go over to dbf and we get dinner and run little errands. Tonight I am going to go to the gym.

Really wish I would hear from my dr about my test results. If I need to come back in it will have to be this week and it is already wed…such is life I suppose.

Have the chrio today. My back seems to be getting somewhat better, I only go every two weeks now and I have a ½ hour massage I think every week.

$$$ is becoming a HUGE issue. Child support still has not gone into my checking account. A check bounced today. I am sure it was day care and now I am screwed again. This is the second time. I HATE Tabatha’s dad. Why can’t he just pay it when he gets paid? Why does he wait a week to mail it in? I think I am going to request that it get taken out of his check.

So that is my downer post for the morning….maybe my day will get a little bit better?

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Okay so strike update first. We work 7 days straight and then get a day off before we work 14. If it goes longer than that then we will work mon-sat 12-hour days…having anxiety attacks about what I am going to do with dd. Will deal with it later though.

Dbf update. Don’t really know where things are going to go I guess. He wants to help out with the strike stuff but I just think he does not understand why I am so adamant about him not staying over all the time and then not. YKWIM? I was going to go to the gym tonight. I asked him if he wanted to go since practice was cancelled. He said yes then changed his mind. I was still going to go but after sitting here thinking about it might be good for us to go out and do something as a couple…dinner…sit down in a quite restaurant and talk. I suck at this stuff! Anyway so I called him and he is in charge of figuring out where we are going to go. It’s so hard for me not to be negative right now, and that is one of the biggest problems with our relationship. I just feel like it has all come down to me and that I am the problem, its nothing we did together, it is me.

Leaving it at that. I am off to go get dd now Biggrin

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Okay so things are okay I guess. Dd’s father shows up last night and I ask again for my money and he starts yelling at me and putting me down in front of dd. She gets upset and scared and very, very protective of her mommy. I kept my cool though and was in complete shock that he did that. I mean I guess I should not be as he use to do it often but it had been a while so I thought that just maybe he had changed his ways…guess not. Anyway so I leave get to dbf house and cry to him and tell him I don’t want to sit in the house and feel as if I have to socialize with his roommates so we went to dinner at the olive garden. It was so yummy! I had a glass of wine and relaxed and we had a good time…low stress just us being together and enjoying one another. We needed it and it shows. Half way through dinner I get a phone call from little miss Tabatha lee and she wants us to come home early. Of course we said yes! Dd’s father got on and I told him we would call after dinner and be home around 8:30. We played with her and then she turned into horrible devil child! So bedtime came and went and she cried and cried. Finally got her to calm down and talk and she went to bed. Dbf and I cuddled on the couch while watching paradise hotel…my new addiction! He put me to bed last night and I slept WONDERFULLY!!!! Dd did not wake up and I slept until 6:45…should have been up by 6:15 at the latest but oh well.

Called the dr office today to find out what was going on. She called back and said everything looked fine except for I had a lot of white blood cells, which means I have a viral infection. Great so I have had that for how long? I told her I wanted to see what the dr said about exploring other possibilities. She is going to call me back again. I want answers damit! If I am depressed and have some type of chemical imbalance I want to know! I am sick and tired of feeling like this and I am sick and tired of it affecting my life like it is! I am gaining weight like crazy; I am having some issues with body odor (btw is so embarrassing to even write about let alone deal with); tired all the time; constantly feel like I am in a haze; always cold but yet I sweat a lot!

Child support has not gone through yet. Supposedly it was mailed 3 weeks ago and the ck has cleared but nothing has been sent to me?! I am pissed! My dc ck bounced because it was not there when it was supposed to be…dc is going to be ragging on me and it is soooooo embarrassing!

Well I am off tomorrow to try and spend some time with dd before we do the whole strike crap…

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well let’s see, Union employees are currently working with out a contract and so I am only working my normal hours…kind of bummed about it since I do NEED the money. I started to count on it a little too much. Even figured out what I wanted to get dbf for our anniversary…now I won’t be able to do much of anything. They could still strike though.

Ran into one of dd’s friends that use to go to the same school. They moved there dd for some of the same reason’s I want to move Tabatha so now that I am not striking I can actually go and check out this place today on my lunch…hell who knows I may be able to have her in a new place by next Monday if all goes well. I think all I have to do is give a week notice so if I like it and they have room for her to start next week I will give my one-week notice today! Wonder if that is how it works though…this place is not quite as convent compared to where she is at but if she is in a better environment then that is all that matters!

Weekend was very nice! Dbf and I spent soooo much time together just us, just relaxing and enjoying one another. The only thing I discovered this weekend is that I don’t think we are going anywhere. I am not talking about our future any longer…maybe he will come around. I almost believe he does not want anything that I do. I am tried of not getting a response or him changing the subject when I bring anything up so I am stopping. I told him yesterday that I am not bringing anything up any more…I will only plan for Tabatha and I. I feel like that is all I can do right now. As much as he hates me saying this I really do not think he gets it. He stayed last night because we did not know what was going to happen with this strike. He got up with her and what not…told me he does not understand what is so hard in the morning…he is capable of doing it too…I need to let go. WTF?! I mean how am I suppose to? I HAVE to do this…I HAVE to deal with the back lash of her wanting him there all the time…I HAVE to deal with the crying the whining…I just wish sometimes he would see how much harder it is having him in between what we need and what he wants…or thinks he wants. This is becoming a bit of trend for me to write about this stuff and maybe it is because I can’t talk to him about any of it. What does this say then? Where do I go from here? It’s not like I am un-happy with him…am I settling for something that may not go anywhere? I have all these questions that I don’t know where to go with them. I don’t know if I am over thinking everything or what. I love him so much and would do anything in this world to make him happy. My dd loves him sooooo much. We are both waiting for him to figure out what he wants and when. BUT how long can we do this? How long is it going to take? It’s not like I want to get married or expect to have a ring on my finger I just want more than where things are going.

Wow that rambling can really get out of control. I am stopping for now and I am going to go try and get some work done.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Long time again…I feel like the only time I really keep up with this is when I am stressed, pissed or just need to vent about life in general.

So lets see…dbf and I had our 1-year anniversary! He took me out for a very nice dinner and bought me the most beautiful sapphire pendant on a white gold chain! He spoils me!

Tabatha started her new school…transition is not going as well as I had hopped but she is getting there I think. We are now into week 2 and her teacher was gone for 2 days last week and 1 day this week so I think that has just added to it. She is doing soooo much better there as far as learning goes! She can sing her abc’s clearly now! She is in major mommy mode though! Does not want me out of her sight for a second and will not talk to anyone when I am around, only wants mommy to talk to her. It is so hard not to go with it and spoil her but I have to teach her how rude that is! She is 3 now, not 3 months!

23rd birthday is on the 27th! Never have been big on celebrating it because I am always disappointed so what it is the point ya know?! Well last year dbf and I had just started dating but he pushed and pushed about at least taking me to dinner so I gave in and went. He showed up with a single red rose and took me to a VERY yummy Italian restaurant. Well that spoiled it for me because I have never had a good birthday and that was probably the best one ever. I was sooooo happy and falling in love and was being treated the way I deserve to be. So maybe my expectations were set a bit high this year, I was excited about celebrating it with dbf, dd and family. We were going to dinner and cake at my dad’s on the 29th. I was told last night by dbf that he has a game with VCU on that day (he is a goal keeper coach for the guys and girls). He is not exactly needed at all the games and I think that is what has me so upset! Oh wait lets back track. His sister *might* be coming down from NY next week. I like his sister. She is 17, very immature for her age. Oh well you know? The thing is that between VCU girls/guys practice and then his practice he is not even home a total of 2 hours a day! On Tue and Thurs he comes over to spend time with dd and when his sister is here that throws it all off. I know stupid but it is hard on Tabatha. On top of that I thought we might go do something fun/nice for my birthday and if sister is here you can throw that right out the window. What is he going to do with her all day? Expect his roommates to entertain her? I have to work and I am in no mood lately to baby-sit anyone! Anyway this whole thing has just set me off into a very un-happy aggravated mood and it is to the point that he is really starting to pick up on it. This makes life a bit harder to live. How do I explain all of this too him without offending him? Well my conclusion is to let my dad know that I am not really into celebrating my birthday this year and so the 29th is off. I am sure dd will still want to do something but she is still so young that maybe I will take her to pick out a small cake and she can sing me happy birthday.

What else…oh my dr put me on wellbutrin sr (sp?) to try and help pull me out of whatever little funk I am in, the whole not sleeping at night but being tired all day and just never in a really good mood. My patients are shot with dd and I feel like all I do is yell at her. Anyway they ran a bunch of blood work and everything came back fine so he wanted me to just try this for a couple of months, nothing I would take forever. Well one of the side effects is a rash. After about 1 week and 3 days I broke out in a horrible rash on my arms and legs. This stuff was really starting to help me! I felt like I was semi normal again and it felt great to just smile! So I stopped it and after some benadryl the rash was gone. Called the dr and he wants me to try it again starting tomorrow, so I am hoping that his helps my mood some IF I don’t get this stupid rash again. I really, really hate to have to stop it though!

Well I think that is about it for right now. Again I am trying to keep up with this but it only seems I can when I really need to vent, I don’t have anyone in IRL to vent to and I don’t fit in anywhere on line so here I am.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Wanted to share a few pictures...

First 3 are Tabatha's 3 year pictures



These are Autum's (ds sister) 1 year pictures...


Gabriel (ds) and Autumn...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well last night was okay. Dbf and I ran a few errands, went back to his house ate dinner and then cuddled in his room for about 2 hours! It was nice since he left this am for another road trip. At least I get to see him on TV tomorrow night Biggrin They are playing Syracuse and really, really need to win. This is going to be a very tight next 2 weeks for the top 3 teams to make it to the play-offs! Charleston is 1st and is only up by 2 points, VA Beach is at 2nd and is only up 1 point, then us Richmond at 3rd only down 1 point! So maybe the beach and/or Charleston will loose at least 2 out of the last 3 games and we will win at least 2 out of our last 3 games so that we can make it! It would be really awesome if the beach and Richmond made the play-offs, but I doubt that will happen.

Okay enough soccer talk! I am upset however that dbf and I did not get to make love last night! He is going to be gone for 3 days and when he gets back he is soooo tired!

Dd did so much better this am with drop off that I think we might have to do something special tonight! I was thinking of letting her pick out maybe some new popsicles or something simple like that. She keeps asking for chicken for dinner so that is what she will get tonight Biggrin

Well I forgot my wellbutrin this morning so I guess I will start it again tomorrow :roll:

Can’t think of anything else I was going to write about…try to write later!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

I am so freaked out right now! Okay I park out back at work just so my old sup does not spy on me, anyway I go to get into my car and notice that my door is a little bit open and that there is a green wash cloth on my seat…I do not even OWN a green wash cloth! So I get a little werided (sp?) out by it but throw it on the ground and get into the car. I noticed that some things that I had sitting on my dash were opened and some things I have sitting in my console were on my seat…not biggie though right? So I proceed to the gas station and when I get out of my car I notice my pants seem a bit damp! I go and feel my seat and guess what? It is wet!!! I smell it and it smells like PISS!!!! I am so disgusted I feel like puking. I have no extra pants to change into and so I ran to Target to get some car stuff and forgot to check to see if they even had a cheap pair of shorts I could change into. So now I have to sit here at work for another 2 ½ hours in pants that I sat in somebody else’s piss, and I have no idea who’s it is! I have come up with 2 possible scenarios 1. A bum walking through or 2 (the more likely of the two) these disgusting guys next door were out side this a.m. when I pulled into work and they had stupid little grins on their faces and kind of nodded their heads at me and I politely nodded back….well what if they thought I was being a stuck up bitch and so they pissed in my car?! I don’t know I may be reaching with both but I am just sooooooo freaked out right now! Anyway when I got back to work I parked out back under a tree so that the stuff I put on my seat would soak in and not fad from the sun.

So is this how the rest of my day is going to be?

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67
bad news...

Life HAS got to get better NOW!!!!

So we just got off of a conference call and found out that we are getting ready to have rif's again! Yep 15%-30% across the board! So I have a gut feeling that after next week I will be with out a job! I called to talk to my dad since dbf is out of town, just looking to kind of vent and talk about it and he was as usual the most unsupportive dad. Told me I should not tell dbf until he gets home on Sunday...I agree because he can't do anything but the problem is that dbf knows me and he knows when I am upset, bothered, irritated or plain and simple when something is wrong. He will pick up on it even if I try to pretend like everything is ok and then he gets upset and worried about what I am not sharing with him. So now I am stuck. What do I do? I think he will be more upset if I wait until Sunday! Really that is the smallest part of my worries right now though. Tabatha just started a new more expensive day care. I have no savings and no idea where to even start to look for a new job. I know it is a perfect time to go back to school since I am a single mom they will cover almost everything BUT they will not cover rent! Of course my dad would never, ever let us live with him and Ronnie and I are not exactly ready to live together. Where does that leave me?

Okay now I am stressing out. At first I was more or less just kind of laughing over it and trying to ignore it and stay strong but now, it has become real.

I am a single mom with nothing and no help what so ever in my life, what am I going to do?!!!!!!!!!
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

This is going to be kind of all over the place...

So I told dbf because he knew something was wrong. He is glad I told him instead of waiting and throwing it all on him Sunday. He said he would have been MORE worried about me knowing something was wrong and I would not tell him until he got back. He was supportive told me we would work through it and to start looking at jobs today and working on my resume. So today I am going to start cleaning up things around my desk and packing stuff away. Time to clean up the computer!

New rumor is that it will be either Sept 4 or 10th that they will start handing out packages. By now HR should have names of everyone getting caught in the rifs so they can get to work on them. I am starting to get a bit scared. Every other worry I had is now NOTHING compared to what I am about to face.

Had to tell dd’s father last night so that he can find out about adding her to his insurance. He was a bit shocked and willing to help where he could. Not like I can exactly rely on him for ANYTHING!!!

Dd did much better this am at drop off! She did not cry for the second morning in a row! I hope she has a good day and we can have a nice weekend. It would be nice to make it to the pool again before they close in a week!

Well I suppose I will not be getting a whole hell of a lot done around here today! Lol

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well I have now had a headache for a week! I am dying here nothing will get rid of it. I have tried prescription pills, Advil, Aleve and even prescription migraine stuff! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????????? Called the dr. and they cannot get me in today not even with one of the other doctors in the practice! So I will sit here and suffer all day, btw sitting in front of a computer all day with a headache does not help!

Well dbf and team lost both games this weekend…not a good weekend for them. So now they are out of the playoffs and he is not happy. I am sad for him but I know he will be just fine and move on and look that much more forward to next year.

Nothing really exciting going on. Still going over and over everything in my head on what I am going to do. I brought in the want ads today to see what I can find as far as jobs go. I am going to do some research on school. I would LOVE it if I could go to school full time and get into the teaching program! I just don’t want to be in debt with student loans for the rest of my life! I also would be much, much more gun-ho about it if I could pay less in rent and utilities. My family will not let me live with them. Dbf is not ready to live together and other than living in a homeless shelter I have nothing!

Pretty much right now I think I am just going through everything over and over in my head trying to sort it all out but I can’t. I am just getting more and more emotional right now.

I think will be back later I am sure to update with all my finds.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well I have now had a headache for a week! I am dying here nothing will get rid of it. I have tried prescription pills, Advil, Aleve and even prescription migraine stuff! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????????? Called the dr. and they cannot get me in today not even with one of the other doctors in the practice! So I will sit here and suffer all day, btw sitting in front of a computer all day with a headache does not help!

Well dbf and team lost both games this weekend…not a good weekend for them. So now they are out of the playoffs and he is not happy. I am sad for him but I know he will be just fine and move on and look that much more forward to next year.

Nothing really exciting going on. Still going over and over everything in my head on what I am going to do. I brought in the want ads today to see what I can find as far as jobs go. I am going to do some research on school. I would LOVE it if I could go to school full time and get into the teaching program! I just don’t want to be in debt with student loans for the rest of my life! I also would be much, much more gun-ho about it if I could pay less in rent and utilities. My family will not let me live with them. Dbf is not ready to live together and other than living in a homeless shelter I have nothing!

Pretty much right now I think I am just going through everything over and over in my head trying to sort it all out but I can’t. I am just getting more and more emotional right now.

I think will be back later I am sure to update with all my finds.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

For the single mommys

Lord grant me:

Time enough to do all the chores,
join in the games, help with the lessons,
say the night prayers, and much more.

Strength enough to be bread baker
and bread winner,
knee patcher and peace maker,
ball player and bill juggler.

Hands soft enough to hug and to hold,
to tickle and touch,
yet strong enough to pick up
and put away, and then to iron and fold.

Heart enough to share and to care,
to listen and to understand,
and to make this home the best
a single parent can.

-- Unknown.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Not much time for a real update but wanted to write a little something.

Got a new email from my boss today and our group will be hit. Right now if you volunteer there is not additional incentive but they are reconsidering it! Soooooo if they do add something I am going to volunteer! I have made my mind this is really what I want!!!

(sorry did not spell check anything, I am in a hurry to get out of here)

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

The End

This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be, So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane, All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best, The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us, The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us
The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...fuck you
C'mon baby, take a chance with us X3
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock, On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock, C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

The End

This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be, So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane, All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best, The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us, The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us
The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...fuck you
C'mon baby, take a chance with us X3
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock, On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock, C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
This is the end, Beautiful friend
This is the end, My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So it’s been a while again.

Today is dbf birthday and a friend is coming into town so I can’t really do anything for him but we are going out to dinner and then tomorrow we are having a cookout with Tabatha and a bunch of guys from the team should be fun.

I am so bored right now I want to cry! So things have gotten a bit crazy here at work. I talked to my boss on Tuesday about possibly volunteering especially if they were to modify the package. Well they took it as I did volunteer. I want to I really do but I really need to hold out as long as possible so that I get the most money I can so that if I do try and go to school full time I will have some money put a way for bills. So I sent her an email today asking if I were to volunteer when would I get my package, what would my date of termination be, if I volunteer is that like me quitting or just being rifed. Still have not heard back from her and I doubt I will any time soon. She will wait until the very last min to help with. Oh well what can I do?

So Tabatha is staying at my dad’s tonight. They are sleeping in the tent outside. I am sure she will not sleep and she will cry about wanting to come home. If we were not going out tonight then I would go get her but she has not stayed there in a long time and needs to.

Nothing else really new, life is pretty calm right now and honestly that is really nice. My birthday was nice and relaxing. Could not ask for much more in a life right now I guess. Maybe to be rid of this job but that is it. I have a roof over my head and some food in my fridge. I have a wonderful dd who is testing my every move right now! An incredible dbf who would do anything in this world that I asked.

Well here’s to a good weekend!

Oh yeah to explain that song. It is my all time favorite by The Doors. It in some weird way it got me through a lot in my life.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Nothing much has changed here at work. There are still so many rumors and at this point it looks like I am just going to have to ride it all out.

Just read about what Chims is going through. She lives near my grandparents, I wonder if any of my family know about this little boy or actually know them. My heart just goes out to all the families.

Well I am off now...life is just not what it is suppose to be.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So where do I begin. Things at work are crazy. There is suppose to be a new volunteer package coming out and I will be taking it as soon as it comes out. But with all these changes in my life and what I am going to be doing and what I want out of my future I have started to have a lot of emotions and feelings and I shared them with my dbf the other night. I told him that I don’t think I want to have any more children. I don’t think I am cut out to be a mom of more than one. It is getting harder and harder on me to have him around some of the time and then gone. He has been taking over the discipline side of things and so if he is around and I start to discipline her and she is not listening he jumps in. Well when he is gone she has started that dbf is not there so why listen to me? It was easier when it was just she and I. I love him with all my heart and want nothing more to spend my entire life with him but he is not ready for half of what I am he has no idea what he is going to be doing in life, he knows he wants to coach. I am scared. I don’t know what is going to happen but what am I going to do in a year when he is a free agent and moves to another team. Will I be at a point to go follow him when we aren’t even living together?! So I told him last night I think to un-complicate things we should not talk about living together until we are married. I have these hopes that he will change his mind and he never does. Why should I have to keep getting my hopes up to just have them squished? He told me last night that moving in together is a huge step to him and that means forever. So is he not that committed to me now? Why would he be and do so much in dd’s life if he was not that committed? I am so confused and so worried and so scared. He also told me that he was very hurt when I told him I don’t think I want more kids. It hurt to hear the women he wants to spend the rest of his life with say that she does not want to have his kids. That the situation would be completely different when it happened, but it wouldn’t he would either be playing or coaching and it would be like being a single mom all over again. I know in the end if it was something he really wanted I would. It’s not like I don’t love babies/children I am just not cut out to be a mom let alone a single mom again. I am barely doing it now and I am not sure what I am doing or if I am too hard, too soft or just plain screwing her up! I love my dd with all my heart and don’t want anything to ever happen to her that has happened to me. I want to be the mom that she can come to and can rely on. I want to be he best friend and someone that she admires and looks up to. I struggle at all of this now, what would be different in 2-3 years?

I am sure that none of this makes any sense but it feels so good to get it off of my chest. We are going to talk again tonight I think. He said he needed some time to pull all his thoughts together. He never expected any of this and it was kind of like a bomb thrown on him. Things were going great between us but it was starting to wear on me what I had been feeling and going through. I just pray we can work through this, but I have a fear and a gut feeling that we may not. Please pray for us. I have never had someone in my life care for me so much and I have never cared about someone else so much. I want nothing more than to marry him some day I just don’t know what to do right now. Maybe I am just too impatient.

Be back later to update more.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

So notice of the wonderful package came out today! I am so excited and on October 1 I will be voluntarily leaving this horrid job!!!

Dbf and I talked last night and there were a lot of tears and a lot of silence. I don’t know what is going to happen. He wants me to think about the whole baby thing for a while and when I make a firm decision we will talk again. I dreamt about it all night. I want a baby I think. But I don’t want to do it alone again and I am scared of going through what I am going through now with dd and it continuing through her teenage years. I want to be able to concentrate on her and help her through that time but when that’s gone what will I be left with? So then that is when wanting a baby comes in. But can I care for a baby and help her with school and life? Is that fair to the baby? I mean this all-just hypothetical. If I were to have any more children I want to be done by 30. Is he even going to be ready before then? I just don’t know what to do right now. He said for the past couple of days he has thought about if he would be alright with not having any kids of his own and he came up with no. So now that leaves everything in my hands. I had never heard him say that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me until the other night and it really made me look at things differently. I don’t know what to do. What do you do when you love someone so much it hurts but things look like they are going in a different direction than one another? I hate his job coaching it interferes with so much and it gets so frustrating. I wanted so badly to get away for a weekend just the two of us; that was part of his birthday present. We need this but guess what? He can’t miss a game down in Norfolk! I guess if he was a head coach or even the assistant coach I would feel differently but he is the keeper coach for 2 teams! How frustrating is that? Like tonight is suppose to be our night but a game got rescheduled for tonight and so we won’t even get to see each other. I know these are trivial things but we have not spent a night just us in about 2 weeks. I hate when I get like this, I bitch and whine about really nothing and I know it but I still do it.

Well I am going to go for a run in a min and hopefully that will help clear my head a bit.

Until next time…

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 67

Well I am packing up and heading to pick up dd in about 30 min and heading on home our building is shutting down and just about every convenience store has boarded up it’s windows. I won’t be on again until Monday so please wish us luck!

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