This is my life?
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  1. #1
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    Default This is my life?

    So I decided that I need somewhere to complain about my life! I think what I have discovered though is that I have just lost me. I use to be so much fun and out going but when I met dd's father and then had her I lost me. So this will hopefully help me track finding me again. Time to start doing something for me!

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    So I feel kind of inspired to write today...I should warn though that I am not good at writing. I write the way I talk and sometimes it really only looks good to me!

    So Mothers Day was WONDERFUL!!! I have the absolute best bf ever. He got me a new coffee table and cd/radio for work. Then Sunday he and Tabatha got up and made breakfast cleaned the house and gave me their cards. In the cards were gifts as well! I got a $50 gift card for Target so that I can start to do something to the house and then some tanning sessions to my favorite place to tan! I am even went tanning last night! Back to the cards...he wrote the most beautiful note to me! I really could not ask for more in a man. We went to my dad's for dinner and dbf helped my step mom cook dinner! I mean how many men out there would do these things?! So yes I got spoiled and I deserve it and am trying to learn how to accept that. I am so use to doing for myself that I have a very hard time understanding and excepting gifts/help of any kind really.

    So while on the subject of dbf, he plays pro soccer for a living and travels at least 6 months out of the year. While he is away it is always hard. I know he is the most faithful man ever but there is always this part of me that wonders if he is telling me the truth or what he is really doing. I don't know why! He has never given me any reason what so ever to question these things but I always do and I do not tell him because he does not get it so I keep it bottled up inside and then I read about somebody’s so/dh/dbf cheating on them while away on business and I go into stress mode! I am there now in fact and can't seem to get it out of my head. How do I work through this???? It's almost like I know in my heart that he is faithful and loves me with every part of him BUT my mind starts working and I start to over think every little thing that could happen or if what he has told me etc...and it goes on an on for days until I just can't handle it any more! Maybe it is because half of the guys he plays or has played with are like that! I mean why is it so freaking hard to stay faithful even if you have had a drink or two? I guess that is why I get so freaked out if he goes down town with the guys and not me! UGH!!! Why do I do this?

    So besides that everyone is doing well. Tabatha starts speech therapy next week and am really hoping that it helps her. She has such a HUGE vocabulary but just can't annunciate.

    I'll update again sometime soon...

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    So dbf and I talked last night for a little bit. I don't think we have really talked in a while. One of his best friends is going through a divorce. Basically they were the most perfect couple and she cheated on him and then left him. He was/is a wreak and seems to think that having sex with a million diff women is the answer to this. When dbf talks to him all I hear about is how much fun schmitty is having blah, blah, blah...then he wants me to come down some time soon. Well here is where I have a problem. When dbf and I started dating is when schmitty's wife left so he basically tried to talk dbf out of getting serious with me. Of course I am bothered by the fact of schmitty! Who wouldn't be? I know dbf is faithful and what not but to have a friend like that?! He has never wanted to meet me etc. If this guys is suppose to be so important to you and your life and he is one of your best friends don't you think he would want to meet someone so important in your life now?! Andy who lives in TX is dbf other best friend is dying to meet Tabatha and I! It'll all gets to me I guess. Well anyway so dbf feels like he cannot talk to me now about schmitty and it really bothers him. So what do I do? How do I explain to him how I feel about it with out upsetting him? I tried last night...still not sure how it went but I guess we shall find out!

    He wants to also talk about a huge gap in my life that I don't talk about. There are reasons for that, good ones. That is one of those things better left alone...you want to see me become an emotional mess? Well then lets talk about it but remember you wanted it and I expect you to be there with me through it all! But then there is so much of it that I don't really remember. I was so young...

    Well enough about that. I just spoke with Tabatha’s service coordinator for her speech therapy. Can't tell if it is a man or woman but either way they talk way too fast! The county is supposed to be paying for this and they want my insurance companies name? I am so confused! So anyway I think we got it straight...he/she is supposed to be faxing me some stuff to sign so we will see.

    Well I suppose I should work now...be back soon, I hope.

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    Wow look at that, two entries in one day!!!

    So before I went to lunch I got a call from dbf and we were talking and then he tells me that he and the "guys" are going to see the matrix tonight. I wanted to go! One of the guys is taking his girl! Of course though who would be able to stay with Tabatha until possibly 12 or so?! That is when I get upset and bottle things up. I want to be able to do those things with him and other couples but I can't and so then I start to resent him and what does that accomplish? Did he choose to have a child at 19? Did he choose to be a single mom? No I did, so how can I be upset with him for wanting to go to a movie? I can't but I am!!! I guess I expect him to be as committed to Tabatha as I am. I can't expect that though because she is not his dd she is mine, and my responsibility...ykwim?

    All right so I got that out now how do I work through it so that I do not feel mad at him?

    On another note I talked to my son's mom today and it looks like court could be this summer or a year from now. So in the meantime Autumn gets very, very attached to her family, the family she has known now for a year, and the courts could pull her at any time! I just don't know what to do for them. I try to be there but it is almost like they won't talk to me about this. I talk to them about just about everything but when it comes to this they just do not share and that hurts. But I respect them and know they will talk to me when they are ready...right?

    Well I am off to do some more work!

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    Just testing my new sig...

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    So I did it again. I pushed dbf away and he has no idea why. I was so rude to him on the phone last night...I pretty much hung up on him. I know he has got to be so mad at me. I feel like I am 10 when I act like this but it is just like it happens with out me even realizing it! He went to dinner and the movie with friends and I hate that he can do those things and I can't but yet he does not get that. It's like it is so hard for men to see that. UGH! I know that she is mine not his, that she is my responsibility not his, I know that I can't expect him not to do these things just because I have a kid and can't do these things. So why do I still feel this way? I want to be mad at someone for the way my life is but guess what? In a way my life is how it is because of me! One thing not too many people know is that dd father purposely got me pg because he knew I was going to leave him. He always pulled out and this one time I asked him if he pulled out he told me yes and guess what later in life I found out he did not...he told! BUT I choose to keep my sweet girl and I do not regret that at all! There are just sometimes I wish that I was not in the situation that I am in.

    I was hoping this would make me feel a little bit better and help clear my head a bit but it is not so I am going to try and get some work done instead. If anyone has any advise on how not to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me, please share!

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    So dbf came over last night and the same thing that happens every time I get mad happened last night. I melted...he just does that to me. So I told him I was upset with him but really I am upset with myself and have been taking it out on him and that we would talk about it tomorrow. So that is where things are right now. I feel a little bit better and I am sure once I explain to him again how I feel I will feel a lot better and I know that we will work though it.

    So he leaves tomorrow for their game in Montreal. One of his best friends from high school...and an old crush...is going to drive from VT to see him play. They have not seen each other in 5 years so I know he is excited about it. It is funny every time he talks about her he always says you know Kate in VT that is married...It's like he has to remind me that she is married but he really does not have to. My best friend is a guy, although I never had a crush on him, he did have one on me though. He is with the most wonderful girl now! I can't wait for them to get married!!! One thing that does bother me is that there is this girl in NC (she is Jennifer Garners cousin) they kind of had a little fling going on for a while before he met me. Anyway she calls him at all hours of the night and come to find out she is trying to find a job somewhere in VA now... Stupid I know but I wonder if she knows about Tabatha and I? I know he tells everyone about us but I still wonder if he has told her. I tell you what when she comes to town I damn well better be with him when he goes to see her!

    How is it that this journal has become more about him than finding me? Maybe I just have to work though all my little weird insecurities with him first then I can focus on who I am again. I know I am a mother, birthmother and a very dedicated girlfriend. Those are all such wonderful things to be and I am very proud to be all that BUT I need to find the fun and outgoing Stacy again. I need to put the shy and rude Stacy back because that is not who I am that is what I have become and I can change that...right?!

    Well I am going to try and get some work done. Tabatha is staying at my dad's house tonight so that dbf and I can have a little alone time together before he is away for 3 days. Although I have to go pick her up from dad's by 8 so we can make it to gymnastics on time!

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    So a dear wise friend helped me put things in to better words today and she gave me some great advise. Here is a little bit of her email:

    It took me a while to get to that point with dh too, it's just an adjustment, sometimes a VERY conscious adjustment, I have to think, just because I can't go doesn't mean he can't, and quite deliberately tell him to go and have fun and that I'll be fine even if I don't feel like it and even if I wish he'd stay home with me ...

    We had to go on this incredibly awful "Engaged Encounter" when we got married, the only thing I learned that was useful, while quite dorky, was from an older couple that had come to talk to us, One of the things that they'd done all through their marriage was to remind the other person what was "Life Giving" -- ie. If the wife wants to have her hubby help with the dishes, but there's 10 minutes left in his football game, she can quite deliberately say, "The dishes will wait for the next 10 minutes for you, I'll be 'Life Giving' and not complain about you watching your football game" or he can say, "There's only 10 minutes left in the game, you're not being very 'life giving' insisting I do dishes RIGHT now"--- VERY dorky, but dh and I liked it --

    I know it's gooberish, but it kinda helped us look at our life together as what it should be, a chance for us to make each other happy, this only works in a relationship where both people REALLY want their partner to be happy, if one person is really only looking to make themselves happy, it's not going to work in the least ... but that's why marriage or any good relationship should be a compromise, it's not about what I need to be happy, it's about me doing what I can to make dh happy, trusting that he'll do the same for me
    Sorry longer than I thought but really it is a wonderful piece of advise. So dbf and I are going to talk tonight and I feel confident that it is something we can work on together. We both want each other to be happy and I feel as if he does everything in his power to make sure I am happy so why can’t I do this? I can and I will but it is going to take some time and help and we can do that. We are a team in many ways although I think I am so use to being independent that I loose sight of that sometimes. I will update maybe this weekend but most likely not until Monday.

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    So we did not talk until last night but it went really, really well! He wants me to just tell him something is wrong we will talk later instead of just shutting him out. So I am going to work on that and he is going to try and be more understanding. It is like last night though all I wanted to do was stay over there and finish watching the movie we were watching and instead had to go home since DD's father wanted to leave...it is his night...the papers say I have until 9:30, it was only 8! Those are the little things that get to me and then I shut everyone out, including Tabatha, and everyone knows it is not her fault!!! So I had to make myself snap out of it...and I did but it is still hard for me. I can't help but think how much easier but tough things would be if we just moved in together. I don't know if that will ever happen but I think there is a possibility at the end of the season for it.

    Gotta go not doing too well with typing right now...

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    Well it has been a week since I have written.

    Lets see what is new? Last week was kind of crazy . Tabatha started her speech therapy...not too impressed with her therapist but we will see how tomorrow goes. It has rained for over a week straight now so in a way it has been nice because I get my honey home when the fields are too wet to play on. They lost there game on Friday 2-1. Then Saturday we went to gymnastics and there were two new kids...the parents were ummmm pushy? Not sure what you would call them but when we get a ball/balloon/bean bag I ask her what color. Well the one little boy had already gotten his and as Tabatha picked up the yellow one and brought it too me I asked her what color it was and she said "yellow" well I had just finished what I was saying and this dad yells to his son "what color do you have Max" kid does not answer...he keeps going! That was just the beginning! Then there is this little girl and her mom...mom looked like she was an ex-cheerleader but like 20 years ago...I mean that is how she dressed. Poor kid was out of control and the mom was just all over the place and yelling and clapping and so many other crazy things. I feel so mean but I really HOPE they do not come back!!! I know I am evil Well after that we went to McDonalds and got her some pancakes to eat on the way to her dad's house. Got there and she did fairly well I guess. Well not many know but my relationship with my dad is very up and down and lately it has been very down. So I went over there and he helped me change my oil…well he did the filter part…then looked at a few other things that need to be replaced and looks like he might help me pay for it! Anyway then Ronnie showed up at my house and we went and got coffee and lunch before he had to go to practice. After practice we went and saw Bruce Almighty…pretty funny not your usual Jim Cary humor so that was nice! I do not like Jim Cary very much…

    Wow turning into a book!

    Ronnie and I went shopping…I had a bit of a melt down. I have gained some weight…not much but enough to effect me. I also have a hard time letting him buy me stuff when he has spoiled me so much over the past couple of months and that upset him because he just wants to see me happy and knows that I do not have any decent clothes for summer. So I bought Tabatha some stuff and let him buy we one shirt. Then Tabatha and I went Sunday and I got some clothes…bills…what bills?! I got Ronnie a gift too! It’s not much but he has been talking about getting a George Forman grill for a while and I found a small one on sale so I got it! I hate that he can always do stuff for me and I can’t do things for him. So I did!

    Anyway they lost their game on Monday as well…2-0. Just not a good start to there season…what makes it so much worse is that they are stupid goals that he missed!

    All right well now we are at today. I am sitting at work…listening to our team meeting via conference call…boring!!! Nothing else really going on right now I guess. I think I need to maybe put together an entry to explain a little bit about me and my back ground…not even sure anyone reads this! Oh well be back later…

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