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  1. #11
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    OMG I had this huge post written and somehow I deleted it!!!!!

    Okay I am going to try and re-type most of it...

    Had a bad night/morning. So Ronnie had been out of town for 2 days and so by the time Tabatha was in bed he was all over me...he missed me All of sudden I started having this horrible pain right below my left boob. It hurt so bad I was fighting back tears!!! I just do not know what is wrong. So it was pretty much there until around 12 when I finally was able to fall asleep. Well get up this morning no problem, Tabatha and I get into the shower, get out and it is back! So I struggle with her to get ready and it is gone! So I am sitting here at work and it keeps coming and going...I really do not know what could be causing it. My dr once told me that sometimes chest pain can be caused by strained cartridge...maybe?! I guess I will just wait it out a day or two and see what happens...in the mean time Ronnie is VERY worried about me. I love him soooo much

    So while we were fooling around last night I had this major mental image of me...I have gained a bit of weight in my thighs and butt and it is really starting to effect me and I can't go to the gym because of my back. Well it is starting to affect me in ways I never thought possible! I know Ronnie does not care...he loves me and LOVES my body but for some reason I cannot get past it! HELP!!!! So I need to start dieting again and can't do that until I can get to the grocery store...no money but I have got to go by there tonight just to get a few things to help me until I can work out again.

    That takes us to going to the chiropractor tomorrow! I am sooooo excited! I LOVE the chrio! Will update you tomorrow on that...

    All right today in between doing work I am going to try and put a post together about me!

    Time to get something done around here!

  2. #12
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    SO I CANNOT DEAL WITH LIFE ANY LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I have had 2 break downs this week and I am about have my third! I just can't handle life! I need to leave everything in my life and start over...EVERYTHING!!!

    GOD I wish I would have never, ever meet dd's father all he does is make my life a living HELL!!!!!!!!!

    I am done....

  3. #13
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    Sorry about that. I am better now. I went to the chrio and got adjusted and then got a 30 min massage. I am much, much more calm.

    I am slipping into depression and it really has gotten the best of me since Thurs. Tabatha has been an absolute terror and that has not helped. I even had to take her to my dad's on Saturday because I could not deal with her any longer. I just wish sometimes that I was not a single mom and that my dbf would move in with us and take some of the load off of me. BUT then reality hits and that just cannot happen right now. I am think come Dec. we are going to move into together but I am not sure. We need to talk more about it because he keeps pushing me to sign a 6 month lease instead of 12 month...I really do love him. I do not like how my depression is affecting our relationship so I am going to try and get into my dr this week and then hopefully he can refer me to a good therapist...I really do not want meds. If anything I want blood work done first too see if they can find my imbalance. So now I have to get myself together and ask my boss for Friday off since I already have 2 other appts that day it just makes sense to make a third and take the day off...maybe I can even make it into the gym! So that is my goal...now I just really need to send her an email asking her...I guess I am so nervous since I am already taking soooo much time off for speech, chiro, dentist, drs...does it ever end?! If it's not Tabatha then its me!

    I will finish later I have more to do here at work...

  4. #14
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    Okay so I do not know if this should go here or not but I can't keep it in any longer today.

    Tabatha and I were in the shower this morning and she was washing herself and started to kind of cry. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her pee-pee hurt and that daddy scratched it (I know he does not have nails). I asked her again and tried to see how it happened and gave her a couple of options like "did he help you wipe after going pee-pee?" She said no and asked me to talk to him. I tried to look at her to see if I could see anything and it was red but not raw or swollen. I am so scared! I do not know what to do because sometimes Tabatha explains something to me in her way but it comes out different. So I have been trying to search the net for info on the laws if I take her into the Dr. to be checked does he have to report it ect...and NOTHING! So I called the Dr. office and told him her symptoms but nothing about what she said and he said that sometimes soap will get up there and burn and then when she tries to go pee it will burn and to just take some white vinegar in a bath and kind of flush it up towards her vagina to see if that helps and if in a week it is still there then I need to take her in. UHG!!! *If* that is what infact happened WHY would she say that daddy scratched her pee-pee?!

    So now what do I do? I found a list of signs a child will give when he/she is being sexually abused and she has a few of them! I called DC and she has been very whinny and clingy but no problem peeing. So where do I go from here? I can't find any hotline numbers that are anonymous...someone please help! Ronnie and I are doing all the searching we can think of and so far nothing. He is at treatment right now so when he gets home he will do more. I swear if that bastard (dd dad) touched her that will be the end of it! I will NOT deal with that well at all!

    I will update if I find anything else out. My 2 fears are that 1. nothing is going on and she just is explaining something to me in the only way she can think and if I take her to the Dr that it could open a whole can of worms with CPS and they will take her or 2. there is something going on and I am not doing enough to keep her safe! I am so worried!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. #15
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    Well it has been 2 weeks now and I have not been on much at all. not much is new or has changed. Things with Tabatha are still pretty much up in the air. I spoke with my grandfather who is a social worker and he gave me some advice but Tabatha keeps throwing us for a loop. The other night she told me that buddy (our dog) hurt her peepee. Then yesterday after she got home from her dad's house we went to my dad's for dinner and we are all sitting there eating dinner and she blurts out "daddy hurt my peepee again". So my dad asks her to come here and says, "how did papa hurt you" with out even skipping a beat she said "not papa daddy" and then pointed to her vagina. Oh wait let me go back to last week. I did end up taking her to the Dr. told him she was still complaining about it and when I looked it kind of look red and irritated. So he looked got kind of weird look on his face and that was that. Told me to wash it with some white vinegar that sometimes when they do not wipe it gets red. So then he calls me the next day to see how she was and if she was taking her med for the cough and to see if I needed any help with anything. Weird? I don't know. I called him back late that day to ask him if there was anything else I should be looking for and I missed his call and then never talked to him again. So brings me back to what do I do? Her dad has her tonight and I am going to try and check her before I leave...as casually as possible so that she does not feed off of my reaction of things... and then check her again when I get home. IF she is red I am taking her to the Dr in the am. My dad ordered a diff camera because the one Ronnie and I got did not work. But it will not be here until the end of the week if that. I just wish I could turn to someone and have them tell me what to do BUT I can't! Everything is just crazy. I called her dad last night kind of just making small talk. Find out he is very lonely, his family has not been around much, they are not taking an active place in her life right now, he is not dating, just took on a second job at nights to keep busy and make extra money, goes to the bathroom with her every time to help/make sure that she wipes. I suggested getting some of the flushable wipes for her so that I can cross that off the list...maybe he is wiping her too hard and so she thinks he is scratching her???? God I just don't know! So that is where things with her stand. As usual if anyone who happens to even look at this knows anything about these types of situations please share.

    Onto me....things with me are not going well. With everything going on and work sucking really, really bad right now I asked my dr for some help last week and so he gave me a note for Mon, Tue, Wed of last week off. I am going to see a councilor on wed night and hoping that it can become a regular thing. I am going to start working out again but just light. My chrio thinks it will be good for a number of reasons but I just do not know when I will have the time to right now. I was going to go tonight but my night has gotten so crazy and then tomorrow night is our night home I *might* make it on wed but I doubt it, thru is our night home, Friday night is Ronnie’s game and then Saturday-Sunday Tabatha is with her dad and Sunday Ronnie gets home from there away game. So I can this weekend but I need to make a better effort of it. I mean listen to my Wed Schedule: work, chrio at 10. Work, leave at 2:50 to get Tabatha for speech, counselor, and then who knows what by that time it will be 6pm!

    Well I have 15 more min left in this hellhole, so I will try and update tomorrow about what happens tonight...why is this happening to us?

  6. #16
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    Well again it has been a while. Things are pretty much the same.

    Tabatha said it in front of her dad on Saturday. He acted shocked and hurt...not sure if it was a real reaction or not. Anyway she has not said it since and everything looks fine down there. We are setting up the camera again tonight. Last week the battery and the tuner went out on it so all we could hear was a lot of back ground noise and her talking and singing every once in a while.

    So next week she turns 3 on the 5th!!!!!!!!! Where has the time gone?! Her dad actually has her over that weekend and my dbf is out of town that whole time and I am not dealing with it well at all! I don’t get to spend my baby’s bday with her and the one and only person who knows how to distract me from it is going to be gone!!!

    Well I was over at dbf house last night eating and his roommate and fiancé came in and they were talking to us and she asked me if I wanted to drive down to Charleston where they will be on Saturday the 5th until Monday the 7th. I was so excited until she said until Monday…I get Tabatha back on the evening of the 6th. Dbf kind of acted like he did NOT want me to go…I am so confused. So anyway of course I got upset and kind of just let it out on him and then when I got home I called my dad to see if there was anyway Tabatha’s dad could just drop her off that Sunday night and then I would be home on Monday. He said yes no prob but I am still torn since it is her bday weekend and the fact that dbf does not sound too happy about the fact that we could make it! So I guess we will talk about it again tonight and I really need more details on the whole trip. You know though this could be just what I need right now! When is it okay to think about yourself? I don’t feel like I am putting her second because she was going to be spending that day with my dad anyway so instead of going over in the morning of the 7th she would just spend the night…am I just trying to justify it? Maybe but GOD I need a vacation away from here! So my dear, dear friend told me to write out a list of pro’s and con’s but I think it is all really coming back to the fact that I do not think dbf wants me there…why is all I keep asking myself! Is he hiding something? Why would he do that? We talk about everything…well he does…at least that is what I think. Is there more to it than he is letting on? I don’t know but I do know that I am so PMSING!!! And this is not helping me at ALL.

    Oh I called a lawyer today about the accident I was in a few months ago and he talked so fast but seemed kind of sketchy…I think I will call one more just too get a better feel for what I am looking at…KWIM?

    Well hopefully I will be back here again soon…

  7. #17
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    Well I told dd's father that I might be gone and that he would need to drop her off at my dad's...he was fine with it! So now I have to talk to dbf and JoJo about it and find out more details. I mean I deserve this right? I just do not understand sometimes why he does not want me to do these things! Oh well we will see what happens tonight when we talk. He already told me he was irritated today, and he never is, so maybe not the best time to talk? Who knows! If I don't talk about it tonight and try tomorrow or Thursday then he will get upset at me for holding back BUT if I do try and talk about it tonight I might get the wrong reaction since he is not in the best mood...come to think of it I might take my chance tonight since he finds out tomorrow if he plays or not Friday and Saturday!

    All right I am out of here...get to go get dd's father a bday present since she can't exactly do it!

  8. #18
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    Well we talked…it went okay I guess. He was in a much better mood since they told him yesterday that he would play both games this weekend. Anyway he said he does want me to go and that it would be a nice get away for me. BUT he is worried that I would be upset most of the time because of Tabatha’s bday that weekend and that he knows I do not have a lot of money and that the lack of clothes bothers me. So how do I take that? He cares but I feel like it is excuses…Anyway he wants me to write down a list of pros and cons…I did and I have the same amount on both! The other problem is that if I do stay I KNOW I will end up getting depressed and cutting everyone off. So what do I do? Any suggestions? I am stressed about it and I know that it is a simple decision to make so why do I make it so much more difficult than it has to be? I don’t know! I do know that I do not have enough details to make a good decision. I need to know more about the cost and hotel and stuff like that. I assume we (roommates fiancé) would get separate hotel rooms, so I can’t split that. We can split gas but then there is food and honestly I don’t think I have a thing to wear! So that means I would need to do some quick sales shopping but don’t really have $$$ to do that with Tabatha b-day. I don’t know it seems like it just keeps coming back to $$$.

    Well on a happier note I did find her a dress for her b-day pictures last night for only $13 at the gap! It is so pretty and I can’t wait to see her in it! Thank god her dad actually does help me with her clothes…really do not know how I could make it with out that little help he does give! Dbf is really good about helping me out with stuff I need too…I really do love him!

  9. #19
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    Well it seems I spoke too soon…does not look like dd’s father is going to pay me back for what he said he would! She needs clothes and he should be helping with those kinds of things! Is that too much to ask? He just REALLY pisses me off.

    So nothing new on my possible getaway. Checked hotels around the area they will be staying and I *might* be able to stay for only like $120…but then again she is sooooo damn picky and spoiled and would have to stay at the best place in town. I mean her wedding band cost $13,000, her ring was at the very least $11,000 and they have been looking into apartments in philly for the off season and the only one she will live in is $1500 a month! The only houses she would live in start at 2 million! So I guess I will just have to talk to her this weekend and find out what her plans are…who knows maybe she will be willing to lower her self a little so that I can go…

    Tabatha is so excited for her birthday; she just does not understand that her party is not until the end of the month. I am going to however go this weekend and try and find some Dora toppers for cupcakes and a small cup cake tin so we can make them for her class. I might even do a little goodie bag for the kids in her class since I still have some leftovers from lasts years party, we will see what the party store has.

    Well I am sitting on a team meeting, I suppose I should go listen…

  10. #20
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    Well it seems I spoke too soon…does not look like dd’s father is going to pay me back for what he said he would! She needs clothes and he should be helping with those kinds of things! Is that too much to ask? He just REALLY pisses me off.

    So nothing new on my possible getaway. Checked hotels around the area they will be staying and I *might* be able to stay for only like $120…but then again she is sooooo damn picky and spoiled and would have to stay at the best place in town. I mean her wedding band cost $13,000, her ring was at the very least $11,000 and they have been looking into apartments in philly for the off season and the only one she will live in is $1500 a month! The only houses she would live in start at 2 million! So I guess I will just have to talk to her this weekend and find out what her plans are…who knows maybe she will be willing to lower her self a little so that I can go…

    Tabatha is so excited for her birthday; she just does not understand that her party is not until the end of the month. I am going to however go this weekend and try and find some Dora toppers for cupcakes and a small cup cake tin so we can make them for her class. I might even do a little goodie bag for the kids in her class since I still have some leftovers from lasts years party, we will see what the party store has.

    Well I am sitting on a team meeting, I suppose I should go listen…

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