Thread: This is my life?

SO frustrated right now! Looks as if dbf has made it clear I am not going next weekend…well we will see won’t we?! I am going over to his house tonight to talk with Johanna and see what the plan is! I am almost more determined now to find a way to go! I can tell you that we (dbf) are off track right now and I feel like he is hiding something from me and I am sick of it! He never talks to me anymore…I wanted to talk so bad last night but ever time a show came on we were watching he would turn the tv back up. Yes I could have told him I wanted to talk but he has not been saying anything lately!!! I just want to scream!

So I just got off the phone with my dad. He just makes me so ill sometimes. I love my dad and we use to have a semi good relationship but he goes through these things where he is a complete ***. I owe them for some $$$ for tires. Until Christmas of last year I was paying them regularly. Well of course with Christmas I was not able to pay and then January was a tough month so anyway I have only made 2 payments this year. I told him I had another payment for them and he then asked why I was not going next weekend and I told him $$$. He asked why I was short this month and I told him I have a lot of bills and it being summer and Tabatha needing clothes and then to top it off I have to stress about paying you. He got mad. I understand why it is so important for me to pay them back but I hate that they are constantly bugging me for it. I mean do they not see how hard I am trying right now? So he then goes on to say that I do have to pay them then. That he and Waiva (step mom) talked and I can pay them when I want. FINE!!! Well on top of that tonight my dbf’s game is going to be on fox sports world. I do not have cable since I cannot afford it. So I was going to watch it at his house, we talked about it last weekend. He informs me they are watching a movie so I can’t watch it there. All I want to do is watch my f****** boyfriends game! So now I won’t be able to see it. This is his way of throwing a fit over the $$$. So now I have to go get Tabatha from there tonight and deal with him.

Oh and about next weekend I sent dbf and email since I could not talk about it on the phone and he responded back and now everything makes sense…. I am staying. I am already fighting back the tears because I feel it hitting me…I do not honestly know how I am going to make it the next week. I have no support from anyone around me, no friends to go out with, nothing. I hate how my life has become!

Update on the counselor: she had to cancel on me. I need to try and find someone else now. I am at a point again where everything is affecting *us*. So here we go again…

Well I only have an hour…maybe I will sneak out of here like 15 min early…at least I get to go tanning tonight.

Well I ended up going over to dbf house to watch the game with Jo. We were talking and some how this weekend got brought up and I was like well I had almost everything set up so I could go with you next weekend but I just can’t afford it. She almost flipped and was like what do you have to pay for? I was like well I need to help with gas which is not a big deal it is the hotel…she got kind of upset and was like I don’t think so! I am paying for it! So guess what? I AM GOING!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell I am excited?! I think dbf and I are going shopping tomorrow night to get some clothes and a new bathing suite and Jo also wants to take me shopping…I hate that I feel like I have to turn to someone now in order for me to get help. I hate, hate, hate not having my own $$$ to do these things!

So Friday night’s game was awesome! They won 3-2 in over time. Then Saturday my dad, Waiva, Donna and Emma came to the game and dbf parents flew down for it. So the parents got to meet and come to find out my dad sees the same things in dbf mom as I do and that scares the hell out of me. I can/could make for a very long life with a lot of fights. She is very in your face, over bearing, manipulative and just down right rude…not good signs. How in the hell dbf turned out so amazing is beyond me! My dad loves him, thinks very highly of him and is impressed with everything. Anyway they won that game 1-0 in overtime and nobody knows who headed the ball in! Too many baldheads…Tabatha had sooooo much fun! She had 3 little friends to play with and my dad.

All right day 2 of being all over the place! I just can’t seem to keep my thoughts straight right now! So on that note I am going to go…

Well I just got done balancing my checkbook…I really hate doing that! I just end up depressed because I realize how much money I am lacking! Tabatha’s birthday is Saturday and I have not gotten her a thing! I am taking her to breakfast before I drop her off at her dads so at least we can do that together. She just does not need anything and I am giving her a party at the end of the month so I just don’t know what to do for her. Maybe I can jack one of the gifts I picked up from her dad and give it to her. She is going to be getting stuff the whole month of July! Why do I feel so guilty for not getting her anything? She just has so much! I mean I cannot come up with one thing that she needs! Let me take that back…she needs tank tops and shoes which I am going to get her tonight. Other than that there is nothing! I guess that is kind of a good feeling. I mean how many single moms living on there own and working full time can say that? I give up everything for her…even clothes and food for myself. But she NEEDS and WANTS for NOTHING!!!

Ugh it is so hard to be a parent!

So last night we made cupcakes for her friends at school, it was so much fun. I went and got little Dora heads for the top of them and she got to put them on all by herself, and then I gave her some mini m&m’s to put on some of the other ones. She was a complete mess by the end of it but she had so much fun!

So starting to get nervous and excited about this weekend. Dbf leaves tomorrow a.m. for 7 days away from us. I get to see him this weekend but Tabatha will not see him for a whole week…it is going to be hard on all of us but this is really the only long stretch that he is gone for the rest of the season. I need to put a list of stuff together that I need to get/take. I have nothing to travel with…I wonder if the $ store has some good travel cases…

Well only one more day here and actually today I leave at like 2:50 so that I can get Tabatha for speech. Not real sure what we are going to do on Friday yet but I am sure we will find something…maybe the pool and a little bit of running around if anything is open. I am hoping to make it to a park that does a old 4th of July celebration but it might be a bit too hot and I do not do heat well…let me take that back Tabatha does not do heat well which then puts me in a bad mood. Not sure about fire works…hoping to hang out with my dad some though.

Alright time to get something done…

My Best Friend

I never had no one
I could count on
I’ve been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin’
So tired of searchin’
’til you walked into my life
It was a feelin’
I’d never known
And for the first time
I didn’t feel alone

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You’re right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend (my best friend)
You’re my best friend (my best friend)

From This Moment On

(I do swear that I’ll aways be there. I’d give anything and everything and I will always care. through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better or worse, I will love you with ever
T of my heart.)

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I’d give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can’t wait to live my life with you, can’t wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn’t give
From this moment on

You’re the reason I believe in love
And you’re the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

Okay so I have lots to update.

4th of July: Took Tabatha and did a little shoe shopping (her favorite) and then we went to the pool and she had so much fun! Then we went over to my dads for a cookout and play in the kiddie pool. Then we did fireworks and she had so much fun! She is growing up so quickly it amazes me!




July 5th (her bday): We got up and I already had us both packed for the weekend so she opened 2 presents and then we got ready and went to IHOP. She was such an angel, which makes it that much harder to leave her but I really did not have a choice since it was her dad’s weekend. So anyway we had a ball together and I dropped her off at her dad’s at about 11am. So then I headed over to dbf house to meet Jo but she was not there she had to run to patient first to get drops for pink eye. Anyway we did not end up leaving until almost 12…so instead of driving straight to Charleston, SC we ended up in Savannah, GA!!!! So we turned around and headed back to SC…all in all it took us eight and a half hours to get there! When we got there the whole team starting giving us **** it was great! Yes two girls who talk way too much totally missed the sign to get onto I26. Anyway when I get there dbf informs me that schmitty is there…so I start to prepare myself because 3 of his other college friends were also in town and they all had been drinking all day so who knows what is going to be said! We get ready and the 4 of us head out at like 9:30 at night to try and get some food! Well by now just about everywhere you go it is full of people so we finally find the guys from the team and eat about 10:30 or so. Well we get done eating and its time to hit the club where schmitty is…okay let me just stop here and say that he is exactly what I pictured but he was very nice to me! So we are drinking and what not, I am getting to know some of dbf friends and we are having a good time but I wanted to dance and dbf does not dance so I started to dance with schmitty and that got dbf to come dance with me! So I danced almost all night and had a ball. Of course though we got lost on our way home…pretty much everywhere we went that weekend we got lost! Anyway it was a good night and I am so glad I went.

July 6th: I slept until about 11:30 or so then got up and Jo and I went and walked downtown Charleston for almost 3 hours BUT we had so much fun although her sense of style is expensive…she spent $135 on a shirt that later that night ripped! She was going to buy a $158 necklace but I found a $35 one that looked better! Anyway it was fun we got lost of course and finally found the car went back to the hotel and went swimming until the guys got back from there team function. Took a nap got up and went to eat while the guys were at practice. Once they finally got home we went back downtown to go on the Ghost tour…I would recommend anyone to go down there for vacation and learn the history of that town! Okay anyway that was way cool but by the end we were hungry and thirsty! So we found an Applebees open and ate there. Went back to the hotel and got some sleep…by now it was almost 12.

July 7th: We drove home…only took us 6 hours and we did not get lost! Tabatha was so excited to see me once I got home! It was great but the only problem was that I all of a sudden become this huge emotional wreck! I cried from the moment we walked into that house. So we went and got something to eat and that kind of snapped me out of it but I got really depressed for about 2 days. Anyway dbf snapped me out of it by saying he was hundreds of miles away and that he did not know what to do but that he was very worried and he did not like it affecting Tabatha and himself. So I snapped out of it and things were okay.

He got home early Wed. morning went and picked Tabatha up from school early and then met me at home we had such a good night! We got to spend Thursday together as well and then Friday he had to leave again and got home Sunday. But we get him for a whole week! I hate the end of the season it is when things really start to get stressful!

Now that I have written a book I am signing off for a little bit…

It’s been a while again. Seems everyone around here is having a hard time writing lately. I just have not felt like writing lately. I am sooooooo tired and run down! I am not functioning and always all over the place with my thoughts. My body is just not functioning properly. I can’t fall asleep at night but I am so tired all day. Around 9pm or so I am wide-awake and can’t fall asleep until after 12pm. So I went to the dr. yesterday and he is running some blood work on my thyroid and I guess a few other things. I have no idea when the results will come back but god I am so sick of feeling like this. I know dbf is sick of dealing with it too.

So that brings me to dbf. You know about 3 months ago we were talking about living together after the first of the year. Well then all of a sudden they found someone else to live in the house with him during the off-season…we have not talked about it since. He has not brought it up at all! So I was told last night that because the house they live in now has such horrible air conditioning that the owner/roommate of the house is going to sell it and buy a newer one for them to live in! Why am I so irritated with this? Because (this sounds very childish btw) we were suppose to move into something a bit nicer! So now Tabatha and I are stuck in my **** *** apartment for god knows how long and he gets to move into something better, in a better community, with a yard and privacy! No one banging on the neighbors door at 1am waking up the whole house! I am just so upset over it and I can’t talk to him about it for some reason! Maybe it is because I feel so childish. I don’t know. So to top this off last night dd’s father owes me $40, I know it is not much but I have not gotten child support and right now in my checking account I have a balance of $0 and my savings have $20. I have until the 5th of August to pay about $800 on my car or they are going to come repo it. But I have to pay rent and I won’t get paid again until the 15th and my IRS money will not be here until around the 15th. I AM SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I spent the night last night crying next to dd’s bed because I can’t function any more. My body is tried and worn out. My mind is tired and worn out. And I feel as if my relationship is at a hold and that we are not moving forward. I’m not ready to get married or anything like that but you know it would be nice to know that he wants more out of us than just what we have. Sunday we had the most beautiful day every. We were a family. Got up and I went and got us some coffee, came home cooked breakfast, cleaned the house, went to the pool, took a nap together, took a shower and ordered pizza. They ran to the store and got some chocolate ice cream, Kleenex’s, and some contact solution. We watched tv and cuddled, put Tabatha to bed and then he went home…as usual….maybe I am asking too much. Maybe his not ready for what I am. Maybe he thinks he is ready but honestly he is not….

So my company is going on strike in about a week. I do not work for the union though so I get to fill in for the people who choose to strike. But my boss decided that I would be better off staying behind and filling in for those in my group that are going to be out. Fine with me I guess. I get to work 6 days a week, 12-hour days for god knows how long. There is talk that the union employees have prepared themselves financially to be out until Christmas…hopefully those are just rumors! I have no idea exactly what I am going to do with Tabatha. The extra money would be nice and is needed. Which reminds me that I need to call the yoga studio about a job offer….her vm box is full so I sent an email.

Dbf just called and is frustrated with me because he can sense I am frustrated with him and not talking to him about it. What can I do? Talk to him I know, but why is it so hard for me to talk to him about this stuff? Maybe I should just let him read this entry?! No I don’t want him to know where this is at…although maybe he already does? Oh well I am not going to go through this again.

Well I am going to go get a snack. I will come back later…not much going on around the office today.

So dbf called a while ago and we were kind of talking…more one-worded answers from both of us. Anyway I started to tell him about child support not being here yet and that my check for day care was going to bounce. He said nothing you can do about it and I said yeah I am not should not be writing bad checks! He said okay I will talk to you later. So I got upset and said bye and hung up…I think he said I love you but I did not give it enough time. So that was about 2 hours ago and I don’t think I will hear from him until tonight now. I am just so torn right now. It’s like he wants me to talk to him about why I am upset and what not but then when I start to he does that! I think this whole living together thing is really bothering me more than I am leading on. I know we have not even been together for a year yet and I don’t want to rush into anything I guess it is just the fact that I feel used almost. Like when he did not know what he was going to do in the off season he came to me and talked to me about living together after the first of the year and NOW that he has found someone to live with him and they are looking for one more person we have not talked about it at all. WTF????

There is my second vent for the day.

So I got an email from my son’s mom today. I had told her how nice it felt to be like a family on Sunday and that I think I want it more than I realized anyway here is her response and an update on a few things my son has done…I just saw them all Saturday and things were so crazy we did not get a chance to talk much….

There is nothing wrong with wanting something more permanent. You are at
that stage in your life and seeing your friends getting married etc. makes
it come to life even more for you. You and Ronnie seem so happy together
too, so it's a natural progression. We would love to see it happen for all
of you!!

Gabriel has learned to read his first book without any help! (sorry if I
told you this already, but I am SOO proud of him!) Also, I have been working
with him swimming and he can swim completely under water without holding his
nose and even dive for rings! He has come so far this summer!!! He is
really FUNNY too! What a personality he has. We have been writing all of
his letters on "highway" paper to get him a head start for next year and he
is doing excellent with them too. He is so awesome. One more funny thing
ONLY for your ears. (I don't want ANYONE to tease him about this) He has a
girlfriend and he told me he LOVES her. Her name is Skylar and she is 6.
She is blond with all four front teeth missing. Absolutely adorable!! I
never imagined this would happen this early, but he really thinks about her
often. Especially the week she was at the beach and he is already thinking
about what will happen when they both go back to school. WOW.

WOW is all I have to say.

Dbf just called I will finish later...

Candlebox - Far Behind


Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And not maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And now maybe
Your friends they stand beside they watch you crumble
As you falter to the ground
And now maybe
Your friends they stand beside as you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high
But then some day people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hear you calling home
But then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
But you left me far behind
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no
Couldn't share the pain they watch you suffer
Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
Yes maybe we might share in something great
But won't you look at where we've grown
Won't you look at where we've gone
But then someday comes tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you
in my mind
As you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life
So soon you should have told me
But you left me far behind
Now maybe I didn't meant to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
No maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
I said times have changed your friends
They come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hold you down
Hold you down
Maybe brother maybe love I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind
Left me far behind
Left me far behind