So, I have never be alone. I have always had someone by my side at all times. My father, Jim. My sister, Molly and Stephen. I am finally alone....sort of. Stephen & I are done. I guess we both knew it was coming. We fell out of love with one another. Hell, honestly, I didn't even love him when we got pregnant with Em. I forced myself to fall in love with him, and when I did, I fell so hard. Just as quickly as I fell in love with him, I fell out of love. When he tried to end it....even though I begged for him back I stopped loving him. It doesn't hurt, should it? I cleaned out his side of the bathroom today...I didn't eventhink twice. I think his closet is going to be the hardest part. He slipped last night on the phone and said "I love you"...then he said it was just a natural response. I know what he means, by the end when we were 'making love' if thats what you want to call it was just a natural thing for me to say to. I think the only thing I am going to miss is him sleeping in bed with me...not like it mattered anyway, he didn't hold me or even act like I was next to him. I am looking forward to meeting & dating new people....I want to know what its like to be with someone who loves me, and treats me like a woman. I resent stephen for never saying thank you to me for carrying Emma for 9 months, for giving birth to her and caring for her everyday of her life. I'm still not alone. Though it feels like it. I still have my father and sister and most importantly I have my Em girl by my side now. 9 months has gone by so fast. I start school soon, I am so excited. I finally won't feel like a drop-out loser anymore. I promised myself I would succeed for emma and my father. I have let him down so much, I need to make him proud. I still am a daddys girl. He pays my cell phone bill, car insurance and I live in his house. Stephen pays my car payment. I don't pay for anything myself. That makes me feel like ****. I decided today I am putting my past behind me. I am going to forget what my father & mother did to me, and start over. It is so much easier to forget now that emma has been born. I feel like I was reborn with her. I am just rambling...but thats what this is for, right? I feel so lazy, tomorrow I have to fold all my laundry! Maybe...clean my car if its nice out so i can take em out with me. I am going to keep updating this, I really will.
So I haven't folded my laundry yet. I slept in until one today b/c when Em woke up molly played with her for like two hours and then put her back down for her nap. It felt so good. I told her I'll give her ten bucks for watching her. Emma is crawling so god today, I am so proud. Molly slept in bed with me last night, we held hands while we slept. I am dreading it when she goes to high-school and becomes to old and cool to sleep in bed with me. I met someone, he is a pretty nice person. Really fun and relaxing to hang out with. I still feel tired, and I have to do my laundry today!!! I feel like going out and having fun tonight. Stephen is getting em over night on tuesday, he's picking her up at like 9 and then I have to pick her up wends. Then he wants her thursday till saturday, we'll see. Three nights seems a little to much in one week, I don't want to keep him from her, though. I am starting to feel just a little sad. Ugh, once I talk to someone today that'll go away. i'm sure i'll have more to say later on tonight....
My mom is driving me crazy. Oh my god. She calls me and tells me all this stuff, ugh like I care. I mean what has she done for me in the past 6 years. Left me to raise my sister and care for my father. I went out last night. I met a very nice guy, Dave. 24. Two kids. 3 & 6. He's in the marines and is stationed close to Philly till 2005. He's just a really relaxing guy to hang around with. Stephen was a jerk today. His friends have been talking about me lately and how I ruined the relationship. Ugh, I tried confronting one of his friends and he wouldn't even answer my IMs. Wait until I see him out in public. Last night was hard going to sleep with out stephen. I decided to clean my pillow cases today so I couldn't smell him on them anymore. It was making everything to hard. I'm thinking aboru starting to date. Anyone have any thoughts, if you do PM. I could use any advice I can get. I mean we have been done almost a month and the relationship has been falling apart for about 6. I just feel as if I need to get out. I am young, I should be able to date, right? I just feel like it may be too soon, even though I want to. I think if I meet people it would be easier to get over him. Is that wrong using someone to get over someone else? Yea, it is. I know that. Ugh, I think I am just a little depressed today. Its probably just the weather. I need to clean my car so bad!! I won't be happy until I get that done. I got a ticket in the mail today for $48 dollars. It was when I parked on the sidewalk in philly in an alleyway. Ugh. and then I have a $28 dollar ticket when my easy pass wasn't picked up over the bridge. Ugh! I don't think it worked over the bridge last night either. Ugh. Stephen said he would take care of those two but after this he is done paying that type of stuff for me. I should be back later to post, I a am going to eat some lipton noodles & watch oprah while em is still napping. Oh stephen had her last night, said she was good. He hadn't seen her for a week and I could see how much he missed her. He is going to take her tomorrow night at like 10pm.
So I called Stephen. I was very lonely. I told him I wanted to come over & he said OK. I am sitting here I have thought about it more...I'm not going to go over. He'll probably just use me for sex. I'll keep him waiting up all night long. He said there was no way that we could get back together...like I even want to. I never miss him at all, except at night. Thats when I think about him. I feel like a terrible mommy. Since everything has been going on with stephen I haven't taken time out to write about em. She has been doing WONDERFUL...she is crawling up the stairs and she can go from sitting to crawling and then standing up against the wall in a matter of moments! she has got two bottom teeth and they are almost fully through. We have had a very hard time trying to get her to take a bots, I have to make it out to be such a big deal by clapping and calling her good girl before she'll even start to drink it. We have a hard time with nap times to but that should pass soon. I am going to go lay upstairs in my bed now, alone.
I took emma over Stephen's this morning at 8am. She was so good there, his mother bought her a pack-n-play just for their house. so sweet. We slept together this morning. I was crying so I just buried my face into the blankets. He brought up the fact of us not being together but still sleeping together so it'll help keep our relationship 'civil'. Ugh, I am not going to let him use me. Emma is being such a princess today, jesus I love her so much. My whole life is about her. I look back at before she was born and wonder how I even survived. I was lonely last night and I guess she was too, she insisted she sleep with me. It was nice. I didn't feel bad like I was forcing her to, though I wanted her there. lol! Got the cell phone bill today it was $190, my dad said if it goes that high again he is going to cut it off. Well I want to watch a little TV before my rugrat wakes up. Oh, stephen gets em from tonight at 10pm till saturday at 6am. What am I going to do? Is three nights a week to much? I don't know. I just feel like I never see her anymore, though I have her all day long and all night long almost everyday, lol.
**Kym-For some reason it won't let me PM you back or even send to your e-mail...my E-mail is Followyourbliss7@aol.com write me sometime....my yahoo is emmalizmommy
I had a long weekend. Stephen had em. It was nice, I still went over to see her everyday. Last night we had a small party which was fun, I was there with people I haven't seen in about 2 years. Last night was the worst, I missed em so much my heart actually hurt. It was just this constant longing for her. We all drank last night. It is the first time I have drank more then one drink in over 18 months. I got pretty buzzed but then I stopped drinking after about 3 drinks b/c I didn't want to be to hungover to take care of em this morning, ykwim? Well, I'll write soon....steaks are on the grill.
I am freaking out. I have this weird rash all over the insides of my thighs, ugh it is so yucky, I don't know how I got it. I was thinking when I slept over my friends it could have been something one her blankets, who knows though. I feel so sick today, I have no energy to do anything. Emma has been pretty good she took a nap today which she never usually does. The rash doesn't itch at all....I got it right after I was shaving two nights ago, so that could be it to. It is starting to go away, though. I'm feeling pretty sad. I miss Stephen, well just a little. I am still talking to dave but I just don't want anything serious at all, i don't even really want to date. I just want to be able to focus on Emma & college. Maybe I'll start dating again in about a year or so. It'll give me time to get my life together and grieve over the loss of stephen. I still haven't started grieving yet, I have been so wrapped up in everything else. Keeping myself busy like everyone is telling me to do. Well I am going to feed em-girl some veal and sweet potatoes, her fave! Oh, while I was t my friends yesterday I let her suck on a pretzel rod...it got so mushy and she just ate it up! I was saying how she still seems to young for that -almost ten months- but I couldn't take it out of her mouth once she stuck it in there!!
Ok, I am posting this in my journal b/c it isn't read lot but I have a question...
I am on the pill, But do NOT usually take it same time everyday.
I got AF pretty heavy the 4th, 5th & 6th of this month.
Traces 7th & 8th.
Thursday the 14th I had intercourse with Exh...Used a condom but it actually got stuck inside me, by the time we noticed we had probably been doing it about two minutes w/out it and he HAD ALREADY came.
The next two days I completely forgot to take my pill. I doubled up when I noticed as the directions said to do.
I had some discharge today & yesterday that was kind of thick and pink & white in color. I am freaking out. Is it possible I am pregnant again? I am suppose to start the shot next period.....Please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know what you think or if there is anything I can do to be able to determine wether or not I am now. I am freaking out. Oh no.
Ugh, I have not been able to post on this site for days. Well, No pregnancy, thank god. I bled for two days so I went to get my depo shot. I am so happy, I just couldn't have another child right now. Emma & I had a hard night last night, she wouldn't sleep in her cribby or on my chest, she was just sitting on my bellys and playing with my nipples....she has never really discovered them before and now all she is doing is pulling at them when we are sleeping or even when I have a shirt on. Yesterday was Mollys HUGE birthday party. Whole family was here, about ten of mollys friends and about four of mine. Emma was so good, and such a little princess. She wouldn't let my mom-mom hold her though, that made me upset a little bit b/c Emma is to heavy for her to hold standing up. Stephen just said to me two days ago "I got a plane ticket for em, so she is coming with us to florida." He's got another thing coming if he thinks he is going to take MY daughter on a plane and then keep her from me for 9 days. He'll be really ****ing surprised when I say Hell no! She'll only be a year old they'll just be lugging her around all day! He can't handle her for 7 days, he can't even handle her for two nights in a row!! I am still talking to that Dave guy, he's really nice. We get along great, he's just 7 years older than me.....We seem to be on the same level though. He was here last night, and we just talked like all night, it was nice to have someone to just talk to. I am starting to miss Stephen....I don't I just feel like we should be together.
"I am almost as miserable with-out you, as I am with you."
My belly hurts....Emma is being good now, just chilling out in her walker. I have to clean so much today the house is DESTROYED. The party was so nice, though. I could just tell how much my dad loved having the whole family here. Well, I have to go start cleaning and take Em for her morning walk. HOPEFULLY I'll start being able to post.