My Life, My World, My Story

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My Life, My World, My Story

So, I've decided to start a journal on here. I already have my Livejournal one but I'd like another more 'general' journal.

I might look into getting this journal made private but I don't know yet.

I'll write more later, I'm pretty busy right now.

EDIT

I think I'll keep this entry as an introductory one. The people I may mention in my journal are:

Danielle (Ellie) - Me
Mark - My soon-to-be hubby
Thomas - One of our Angels in Heaven (1st pregnancy, tx)
Mum - My Mum
Dad - My Dad
Gemma - My little Sister
Jackie - Mark's Mum
Big Mark - Mark's Dad
Lisa - Mark's Sister
Paul - Lisa's baby/my Nephew (DOB 15th April 2004)
Big Paul - Lisa's Boyfriend

I think thats all for now.

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I think I'll leave this journal public for a while, see how things go.

I can't believe that in the next week or so Mark & I will be booking our wedding! It's flown by. We're going up to Scotland, to Gretna Green, as I'll be 17 so technically not legal to marry without parental consent in England. I can't see my parents being cooperative regarding the parental consent issue, so we'll just have to elope. My parents are expecting us to marry when I'm 18 anyway, so what's 1 year's difference going to make? I have a feeling that this journal is going to be swamped by wedding-related-posts very shortly - there's so much to plan!

I've been working hard on my MSN family site and I've also started an MSN business site for my cards and whatnot. I really hope that the card and craft thing will take off, we could do with the extra cash when we eventually get our own place.

It's looking like September for the flat now. We've been having problems with money so my plans have fallen behind slightly. Ah well, atleast I know it's going to happen this time.

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Ugh. Just spend the past hour doing more accounting for my Mum's boss. Seriously boring stuff. I can't really complain too much as I am being paid for it.

I think my Mum is taking my to Tesco later to get some new ink for my printer... I haven't had any ink since I was doing my GCSE coursework... so about March.

My hands keep shaking like mad. I don't know what's up with me.

Anywho, I'll be back on later but I have to go and cook me and Gemma some grub. Toodles!

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I'm starting to feel very nervous about getting my exam results. I have 12 results to collect on the 26th of August and I'm convinced that I've done badly. They aren't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but I'd still like to have done well.

My lens' are really starting to annoy me. I keep thinking that I've put them in backwards or something but I haven't. I still need to pick up my new glasses... argh - so much to do!

I feel really fed up. Meh.

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I've applied for a private journal aswel as this one. I have thoughts and feelings that I don't want the whole world and his brother knowing and others that I'd like to share, so I feel that having two journals will work out better.

I emailed my Auntie a few days ago to tell her about the abortion. Nobody, apart from mine and Mark's imediate family, know about it. My Auntie is a trained counsellor so I sent her the email in hope of her finding me somebody to talk to about all my mixed feelings surrounding the abortion. She replied back today with a lovely email. I'd post it up on here but it's a bit too personal, I might copy some of it later and post it though.

I brought the budgie up before to my room because she looked really sad and lonely downstairs. I won't be doing that again, it took me about 3 hours to get her back into the cage and take her back downstairs.

I think I'm going to try and get some pictures up later, just for the hell of it.

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I've just had to adjust the time settings on my profile. It seriously bugs me when the timing is off. I did have it set to GMT, which is what my supposed time-zone should be, but it was still off by an hour. So now I'm on GMT + 1... grrrr.

See, the smallest things iritate me!

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We booked the hotel in Blackpool before. Me, Mum, Gemma and my Nan are going for 3 days/2 nights on the 19th-20th-21st of August 2004. I'm actually looking forward to it, it'll probably be the last holiday I take with family. Mum, Dad and Gemma are going to Spain for a week from next Wednesday, so I'll be staying at Mark's for the week - yay! I love being with him of a night. I can't wait till I live with him. He's my everything, he really is.

Hmmm. I swear I had something else to write about...

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I've been thinking a lot about my career path lately.

I have a few options:

Start Uni in 2006/2007 - Medicine - Be a Doctor.

Start Uni in 2006 - Zoology - Become a Zoologist and then possibly go back to Uni when I'm about 24/25 and study Vet Med - Become a Vet.

Start Uni in 2006 - Marine Biology - Become a Marine Biologist with the option to live all around the World and have the option to go back to Uni and study Vet Med.

Mark says that I should do whatever I feel will make me happiest. Being a Doctor has it's pluses (hefty salary, being at the forefront of Medical knowledge, etc) but I really don't like being around people. People just annoy me.

Being a Vet is my dream job. I love animals, they make me happy. It seems pretty obvious which one to choose, right?

I was thinking of doing an 'easier' degree first, one that I can work hard at and reap the rewards from, like Marine Biology or Zoology. I know I'd love doing those degrees. I'd then go out, possibly travel with Mark and our kids, show them a bit of the World, and then settle down somewhere and study Vet Med. I'd have heaps of experience and knowledge and once I've gotten that degree I could go and live in the Caribbean and work as a Vet with a research sideline. How great would that be?

I really need to start making decisions though, I need to pick my Alevels this month so I'll be able to get into Uni. I'm pretty much decided on Biology, Ancient History and Psychology for this year and then start Chemistry AS level at college next year. I might even do another AS level, such as Philosophy next September alongside my Chemistry.

I don't want a job that makes me loads of money if it means sacrificing my dreams. I'd be quite happy to earn a crappy wage for the rest of my life aslong as I'd be waking up each morning and feel great going to work. I can make a pretty hefty salary as a Vet, but I'm not doing Vet Med for the money, I'm doing it because my dream is to be around and help animals.

I feel so lucky to have Mark. He was never an academic, like me, so he's limited by what he can do career wise. He's more than happy to get another job next month so it means I can focus on my studies rather than work. He doesn't stop me doing anything I want to do. He's just about the only person who believes in me now. I know that if I got a job abroad, he'd be more than happy to move with me. He'd drop everything, anytime for me. He just wants us to be happy. We don't need to have heaps of cash to be happy, just enough to get by on.

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Hmm... 2.48 am and I'm still wide awake.

I can't believe that it's the 5th of August already. This year is going by way too fast.

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Marine Biology @ Liverpool University

Department Biological Sciences
Programme length 3 years
Typical offer 280-320 tariff points

As a Marine Biologist, you will learn to apply modern methods to study the ocean's creatures, study every type of marine creature from microscopic plankton to giant whales. You will study their behaviour, physiology,and ecology, and examine how marine food webs can influence global warming and fisheries. Applied aspects of the programme include pollution, conservation and aquaculture. We aim to produce Marine Biologists equipped with the knowledge and techniques needed to make them employable in the 21st century.

Programme content

Beyond Fieldwork, modern Marine Biology requires a wide variety of interdisciplinary techniques including molecular biology, remote sensing, and image-analysis microscopy. Combining state-of-the-art techniques with modern concepts in the behaviour, ecology, and conservation of marine organisms is our primary goal. In the first two years of study Marine Biologists develop skills in modern approaches to field and laboratory work. In the final year, depending on your individual interests, you will focus on field or laboratory studies, ranging from rocky shore ecology to microbial physiology and from molecular marine biology to fish behaviour. We tailor the final year's study to both your desires and our expert opinion of what will make you marketable.

Combining newly established oceanographic facilities at Liverpool, our century-old record of field working and an interdisciplinary approach to biology ensures we produce high quality marine scientists.

Entrance requirements C160

280-320 UCAS tariff points. Ideally, applicants will offer Biology and a second science (preferably Chemistry) to A level, although applicants who offer Biology as their only science studied to A level will still be considered. The balance of the tariff points may come from either an additional subject at A level or a combination that might include A and AS level subjects and Key Skills. General Studies is accepted. Mature applicants are particularly welcome and will normally be expected to show evidence of recent academic study, such as an Access course.

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Zoology @ Liverpool University

Department Biological Sciences
Programme length 3 years
Typical offer 280-320 tariff points

Zoology is the study of animal life: from molecules and cells through tissues to whole animals and populations. And it doesn't stop there. Zoologists also look at the behavioural patterns of animals, the effects of pollution on their habitats, and animal diseases. Many Zoology graduates go on to study at our School of Veterinary Science or find work in zoos, wildlife conservation and management or animal physiology. This is a very popular programme and, consequently, places are limited.

Programme content

This programme aims to provide you with a broad base of animal knowledge, with the opportunity to specialise later on. Specialist modules include Animal Behaviour and Socio-biology, and Cognitive Evolution and Endocrinology. You will also take modules in Statistics, Practical Physiology, History of Biological Ideas, Bioethics, and Computing and the use of software packages. You will visit many zoologically rich locations such as Chester Zoo, Knowsley Wildlife Safari Park and the Wildfowl Trust at Martin Mere. Fieldwork projects can be carried out in a wide range of habitats including Lake Bala (where we have a Field Station), the Cheshire Meres and the Liverpool Docks. You will also attend a residential field course in the southern Lake District.

Entrance requirements C300

280-320 UCAS tariff points. Ideally, applicants will offer Biology and a second science (preferably Chemistry) to A level, although applicants who offer Biology as their only science studied to A level will still be considered. The balance of the tariff points may come from either an additional subject at A level or a combination that might include A and AS level subjects and Key Skills. General Studies is accepted. Mature applicants are particularly welcome and will normally be expected to show evidence of recent academic study, such as an Access course.

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It's so hot. I can't sleep when it's this warm. I really hate the Summer - bring on the cold Winter!

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I'm slowly but surely becoming addicted to this site Biggrin

Right, I'm off to bed. Night!

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I managed to drag myself out of bed about 12.30pm today. I have a horrible feeling that the depression is starting to kick back in. I don't have anything to do during the day. I don't have School (however much I hated it at least I still had to get up and go to it... well, till the teachers kicked me out :roll: ).

I can't wait till Saturday, I get to see Mark for the first time in a week. I really miss not being with him, we argue more on the phone than we do when we're together. I think we're going to Chester Zoo on the Sunday with my Mum and Gemma. I'm really looking forward to it. I generally don't like Zoo's but Chester is a nice Zoo, the animals seem content, well cared for and have spacious enclosures. I went to a Zoo in Spain once and it was horrible. They had Tigers in pens about the size of a small bedroom. I don't know how these people can get away with treating animals like crap. It makes my blood boil.

I think that's all for now...

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I feel so cruddy.

I feel dishonest for stopping my LJ for a while, telling people that my internet has been playing up, it has but I could still update. I just can't deal with the people on my friends list writing about their pregnancies, especially when they're due around the time I should have been, it hurts. March is such a horrible month now, the 6th will be the anniversary of the 1st m/c, the 20th is the abortion anniversary and the 30th was when my 3rd Angel should have been born. It was hard enough trying to grieve for 1 Angel, but now it's 3. I can't deal with grief all too well, especially when it's my own children I'm grieving for. I can't help but feel that my abortion has ruined my chances of ever being able to carry a pregnancy to term. Both my m/c's happened at 5 weeks. I know it sounds nasty but I've been worried for so long about becoming infertile because of the abortion, I now know that I can get pregnant, quite easily infact, so I still have a chance of being a Mummy to a child that lives.

What hurts the most if that I can only talk to Mark about it. My Mum would flip out if she knew I'd gotten pregnant 2 more times since the abortion. Anybody else would just think I'm a careless slut or something, it isn't worth the hassle of telling people.

I want to be a Mum more than anything now. I was never a maternal person but all I want now is to hold my own baby in my arms. What iritates me is when people say how I have so many years to make babies. How do they know that? What if I was in an accident, God forbid, at 20 and had to have a hysterectomy(sp?)? It can happen.

I guess that losing 2 babies through a m/c is my punishment for the abortion. I don't want much out of life, just a family and to be happy, is that so much to ask for? I don't want flashy cars, big houses, loads of holidays, or anything else materialistic, just a family.

I feel like I've been cheated aout of 3 pregnancies now. The first time I was pregnant I fought tooth and nail for the baby but was given very little choice and had to have an abortion, I was 10 weeks pregnant and didn't even have a minute to feel happy about the baby inside me, what was the point? He was only going to be taken away anyway. The next two pregnancies have ended just after I'd found out I was pregnant, before I'd had a chance to sit back and think what was happening, they were over.

I didn't mean to go on like I have, but I feel better for doing so.

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I feel better having vented that out before. I hope nobody took it the wrong way.

It's thundering here now. I love it when it's stormy. Looking out of my window, seeing all the big grey clouds and rain, you wouldn't think it was August! Gah, I hate the summery months anyway, September-February are my faves. I wish it still snowed at Christmas though, I miss that.

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I've had to bring Tammy, the budgie, back into my room. Gemma's gone off and left her all day, so she hasn't had a chance to fly about and has been totally isolated from company. I hate Gemma for doing this, she begs my parents for a pet, gets one and then totally ignores her.

I'm going to try and get some piccies of her later, she's so cute.

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Agh.

I'm seriously reconsidering my internet usage now.

Livejournal was my home for 7 months, I'm totally bored of it now. I think it's more to do with people and their pregnancies, but whatever, I'm done with it. I bought a paid acount in June, after I'd be wanting one for ages, since then I haven't been nearly half as bothered with it.

Babycentre just pisses me off now too. I just feel ignored or like I don't fit in. I haven't posted in months on the Young Parents boards, I don't think I will again.

Pregnancy.org seems to be the only site I bother with now.

I feel so pissed off right now.

I think I'll just do monthly updates on my LJ, then when my paid acount expires next June I'll just stop.

Infact, just the net as a whole is annoying me. I can never find a site and feel like I 'fit in'.

I'm really struggling to belong anywhere right now. I don't belong at home, I feel like an adult bird that's outstayed it's welcome at the nest.

Life.Sucks.

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I'm going to make this journal private. Anybody interested in reading, let me know and I'll get you added to the allowed-list-thingy. Not that anybody reads it anyway.

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I've applied for this journal to be private, but it still hasn't happened yet...

Oooh. Nearly up to 100 posts Biggrin

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My stupid cycle-day countdown hasn't moved since yesterday. I'm now on CD 15...

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Ok, so I'm using excuses to post - I just want to be up in the triple figures... boy do I need a life.

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Yay! 100 posts made!

I promise I'll write a proper update later Smile

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SnugglePie.com has grown too big, too fast! We love it - But our hosting company doesn't!

This resulted in lots of server crashes today, which we don't think is good enough for our wonderful members...

~ SO ~

We're in the process of changing hosting companies, and will be back within 24 hours!

Your tickers still work currently, but you'll have to come back if you wish to alter them when our changeover is completed.

Thanks for your patience!
The Web Team

Aha, that's why my ticker hasn't moved. Lol.

Right, I'm off now. Taking Gemma food shopping... fun.

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Wait... that says my ticker should still work...

This is how sad my life is, I stress over siggy tickers!

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I'm starting to feel all undecided again about moving out. I still want to move out, but I want us to buy a house rather than rent a flat. I know that we could afford somewhere in Liscard or Wallasey way, but it'll take us longer to get it all sorted.

I'm not going into this more till this journal has been made private. Hmmm... I asked for it to be done 2 days ago. I've never been blessed with patience...

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...

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God, I'm growing increasing annoyed at certain websites. Not this one, this site is just about the only one worth bothering with anymore.

Blah.

These last few entries haven't made much sense but I've needed to vent really badly.

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Okay, I've now got my private journal Biggrin

I think I confused the mods a bit, hence it taking a while to get sorted.

I'm still keeping this journal, I'll update weekly, or daily, see how things go. My private journal is for deeper entries, if you're interested in reading just PM me or whatever.

Sarah-Jean, if you're reading this I'll get you put onto the allow-list for my private journal asap Smile

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The journal mods are great. I've been a complete pain in the arse with having my journal made private and everytime they've replied so politely. Cheers!

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Right, I'm off to bed.

A better update tomorrow.

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Somebody sent me this this morning:

Hello again. Must be lovely having all of these different usernames at once! Please see your wannabigfam/kimiuk accounts because you have PM's that require you to read them.

What gave you away? it was the obsession with animals and baby names again

That is all. have a nice day

I am well and truly upset that somebody thought I could be so pathetic. I came to this site to try and gather and give support to other women who have lost their children.

I'm limited by what boards I can post on as I've never had a pregnancy longer than 10 weeks, so what use would I be on a pregnancy or baby board? I love animals, always have done so I post on that forum and I like learning new names so I posted in those forums.

I won't be bothering anymore. I'm going to stop updating this journal and just use my private one. It isn't worth being called a liar for.

Anyway, if you want to read my private journal, PM me. I update that frequently.

I will also stop posting in any message forums.

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The misunderstanding has been sorted out now.

I'll probably still update this journal, but only every few weeks

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Woah, I haven't posted in here for a while.

Not much to update though, really.

Get my GCSE results on Thursday... wish me luck!

It's my birthday in just over 2 weeks - woohoo.

We've decided to get married next year, probably 12/8/2005.

That's about all really.

My private journal is my main one, that gets updated a few times a day. I promise to keep this one going too though.

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Got up, got ready and went to School.

We had to go to the Canteen. When I got in there I saw Mr Duffy (Head of Year) and Mrs Rhodes (My Biology Teacher). Both stood around me and told me that I'd done well, Mrs Rhodes said she was really pleased with me and stuff. Then they asked me to open the envelope, which I wasn't going to do in School, but I felt obliged to.

I opened the envelope and felt a sudden rush of disapointment:

Spanish - B
Maths - C
Science - BB
Geography - C
Art - A
Religious Studies - A
ICT - C
Graphics - A
English Language - B
English Literature - C
+ Stats from last year (C)

So, all in all 3 A, 4 B and 5 C.

I got outside and burst into tears. Guess who walked past? Yup, the Bitch Patrol. The ones who forced me out of School now know that I feel crap for what I got. That hurts more than the results.

I walked home in tears, then took another look at what I'd gotten. I saw that I've climbed from a D to a B in Spanish. I've passed ICT with a C when I was expecting a D/E because School didn't print out my coursework, so I've got practically 100% on the actual exam. I passed Maths, I truly wasn't expecting to have passed it as I missed a lot of School.

I'm over the moon with Art, Graphics and RS. To get an A in Art is really good as there's so much to do for it, go me! Graphics, well an A is good. RS was the subject that I wanted to do well with because it was arguing for/against abortion, which obviously, is a topic close to my heart.

English Lit was a bit disapointing, a C, but then I remember not being able to focus on the exam much because of bad period pains. Dumb excuse, but I do think it had an effect on my result. I'm also a bit disapointed with Science, I deserve BB because I didn't try hard with my exams, revision or coursework, but AA would've been nice. But Hell a BB is still good, isn't it?

So, after 11 years of Education I've got 3 A's, 4 B's and 5 C's to show for it. After many hugs and 'well dones' off Mark, Gemma, Mark's Mum, my Mum and one of my Aunties, I feel pretty good about what I've got.

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I think that I'm just going to cross-post what I write in my private journal to here more from now on. I'll keep the deeply personal entries in my private journal but most of them are share-able so I may aswell.

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Went the hairdressers around 2pm and didn't leave till around 5pm. Laura made a big fuss about my results to the point of telling other random customers that I'd done well, which was nice. I got my eyebrows done by the new girl, don't know her name. I feel all gorgeous and pampered, which has got to be a good thing!

When I got home, Gemma and Mark had put 'congratulations' banners up around the house. Mark had gotten me a card to say well done and bought me some cooked chicken from Tesco (seriously, I get excited at the thought of their chicken, it's so damn nice and yummy, plus it's one of the few things I'll eat). Then I was whisked off for a meal with Mark, the parentals and Gemma. Got home and they sang 'happy exam result day to you' acompanied by a cake with candles! Gemma got me a little bear with 'well done' on it and my Mum got me a bottle of Bucks Fizz. Oh, and a big helium balloon saying 'congratulations'. I also got a cheque for £150 off my Mum and Dad... woo, I'm rich!

They've totally changed my attitude towards my results. I feel so pleased with myself. I sat in the hairdressers considering if I should home-study Maths and English Lit GCSE to better my grade (got C's for them, predicted A's) but got home and talked it through with Mark and he reckons that I should be proud of them, which I am. I don't know yet. I might give myself a break from Maths and then attempt a homestudy Maths Alevel from next year. I must say though, the grade I'm most proud of is my Stats, how ironic is it that the one subject which I hated with a passion I now value most out of my grades.

Gah, ah well. Had a good day, outcome wasn't as good as I'd have liked but I'm still really chuffed. I went on a UK Learing forum before to read what everyone else got for their GCSEs, most of them are like A*'s and A's, I have no doubt that some people have lied, but it's still a bit disheartening to read. But, I'm proud with my 3 A's, 4 B's and 5 C's (ooh, a pattern 3-4-5... hehe). :).

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Oooo! I love those new Smart Cars (4x4 type ones). I'd love one as my first car but they start at 8k. Not exactly cheap. :(.

I'm starting to feel like I can't be arsed with driving now. I might leave it till next year sometime, get a good start on my AS Levels. I swear, I shall get atleast 4 B's next August! I'm going to make a huge effort with my Alevels, I've had a kick up the butt with my GCSE grades, they don't show off my potential (without making myself sound like a complete arrogant twurp, I know I could've done so much better).

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I got the courses I wanted to do in College. Smile . AS Levels in Biology, Chemistry, Geography & Art. Yay! I don't think I'll drop any after the first year either, like most people do. If I were to drop one it'd have to be Art as it's not really ideal as a full Alevel for my degree course, but, as it's Art and I don't have any 'real' coursework for it, I may aswel keep it up for a fun course.

My Student Identification card looks awful. I wasn't ready for my picture to be taken so I look terrible on it, thankfully, the picture is really bad quality and it's been printed on a yellow card so you can't see the picture all that well, phew!

Term starts on the 13th of September (my Dad's birthday) but I have to go in next Friday (10th) for an induction-day-thingy, apparently it's really, really, mundane and completely irrelevant to my AS courses, what a way to spend my 17th birthday! Gah, I'm ALWAYS in something compulsary and educational on my birthday, it truly sucks. I was looking forward to a lie in, but no. Oh well, life goes on.

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We have to take Poppy, the hamster, the Vets today at 11.50am. Not looking forward to it... she has a huge lump in her tummy, I hope it's something treatable.

Not much else happened.

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Well, I'm now 17!

Unfortunately, Poppy died a few days after the trip to the Vets. She was really poorly. :(.

We got 4 new gerbils a couple of days after loosing Poppy. Gemma's got two girls called Nora & Lizzie and I've got two boys called Noel & Liam (Oasis).

I decided to drop AS Art. It wasn't what I'd expected it to be, tons of theory and essay writing - not my idea of Art! Plus it swamped my timetable, I feel much better now, I only have half days instead of full ones. I'm still unsure about what I want to take it's place. I may take some OU courses in something like Astronomy, or I may homestudy another Alevel. I don't know yet.

That's about all really... I keep forgetting about this journal. I shall try and update more... my private one is taking priority. LJ comes first, then my private Preg.Org one, then the one I have on my website, then this one. Four journals is a lot to keep up with, so forgive me Blum 3

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Not much to report.

I can't believe 6 days have passed since I last updated... It only seems like yesterday. Gah!

College is going well, I feel well and truly settled there now, school is like a long-distant memory... fine by me!

I'm watching Muriels Wedding - man, do I love this film! Mark & I have decided to move to Australia in about 4 years, when I've finished my degree. It's really exciting Biggrin

Hmmm... tatta for now Blum 3

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Joined: 02/09/04
Posts: 43

Eek, I haven't updated this journal for almost a month! Not that anyone reads, but still - almost a month! I update my private one everday, more than once.

Hmm...

Well, my two supposed male gerbils had 5 baby gerbils at the end of last month. Turns out, Liam is a girly. Oh well. We're keeping them all, I can't bare to part from them.

My parents are being really supportive of me moving out. So, if all goes well, I should be long gone from here by this time next month.

I'm also dropping AS Chemistry. I really hate it. I dislike the subject and the lecturer, I don't need it for my degree (I'd like to study Animal Behaviour at JMU). I'm going to leave college altogether soon though, I want to homestudy.

That's all for now. I'll write more another day.