My Little World

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Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184
My Little World

Well I'm starting over. I saved the other journal, not in a nice manner, just to have it if I wanted it. Posted pictures are gone, but shit happens, right?

Yes I'm back. I desperately need a journal to release the thoughts that plague my mind so I write here. Oh btw I know I suck at spelling, but I do the best I can. I made the mistake of posting my thoughts elsewhere. Someone e-mailed me so they could track my address (I know who) and sent the cops to my house. I do realize this is a public journal, but hope this doesn't happen here. I found a site that offers private journals but I've had nothing but problems getting back into it. So that's another reason I'm back here. When I'm stressed I need to just get it out of my head and be done with it.

Onto my weekend of highs and lows.

It's been something. I was feeling overwhelmed on Friday/Saturday. The journal thing was just one more thing to have happen. Well I was stressed, I was having a messed up head day and posted. Someone thought I was going to kill myself, and sent cops to my house. 2 officers showed up in two different cars. Um, scary. We were returning from an outing and I thought DS had vandalized something because he had run off again earlier in the day and was gone for over 4 hours. No it was me they wanted to speak to. God that's a topper to an emotional day. I even went for a family walk that day hoping to clear my head. On the upside I got some info for free services. DH is now all paranoid and watching me like a hawk which suck. I don't want him to look at me like I'm losing my mind, would you want that? It's disheartening. On the upside he's being very sweet, just like when we were dating. I just wish it wasn't because he thought I had suicide plans, which I don't I'm just hothead.

I do plan to call and see if I can some anti-depressants because I'm tired of feeling psychotic but there are better ways to get info to a person. I wonder what the neighbors think of me standing outside speaking with 2 cops. I'm sure they think we're crazy as is with DS running off every other day, but this I didn't need. At least they didn't get the straight jacket out. I would have lost it if they really wanted to take me away. They would have if DH didn't say I was acting like my usual self.

We went picnicing with friends today. It was fun, although I'm crabby because AF is here and I'm crampy and yucky feeling. We were out all afternoon. Biggrin DS had a fabulous park to play at and DD got to play with another baby. I think I got a little sun burned. Not bad but I'm seeing red.:oops: DD loves the trees as they sway in the wind. It's so cute to see her entrawled with them.

I may post later, but that's the highlights. Being outdoors is so nice. We went for several walks and just really enjoyed the beautiful weather. Still hate being fat but I'm trying, sort of. Lol

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So here I am as evening looms all the sadness again ensues. I'm reading posts of people planting flowers, or buying new cars, and just feeling envious I suppose is the word. I hate how I'm feeling.

My son always eats a lot. Double portions all the time. He acts likes he's never being fed at each meal, it's been like that since his birth. My mom said it was the strangest thing she'd ever seen, and now that DD is born I see that his behavior even as an infant was unusual.

At the picnic I brought lunch food, and dessert but he had to have some of their food too. Oh they brought extra and were very generous but I hate feeling like a begger. I hate that he hovers around until their food is done just so he can eat some. It really bothers me.

I used to be the generous one, but now I have to watch everything and I hate it. I hate feeling the way I feel. I felt like this during my divorce only then I was working but I was so poor, and it was so hard. My dad is generous to a fault. He picked up foreigners at an airport once and let them stay the night in our house, I was about DS's age then. My mom freaked but they didn't steal anything and left early in the morning. My dad is always picking up hitch hikers, and doing good deeds basically. We worry he'll get into trouble but he's the see in good everyone type of person. My mom done it a few times too, but has stopped for the most part.

We walked through the house today. It's beautiful. I love it. They're even doing things that we didn't expect, adding things it seems. Codes could have changed or else they made a mistake because most request it but we didn't, kind of thing. Anyway it's gorgeous and progressing so fast. There is still a lot to do on it. I pray DH gets a job lined up in time. It's such a great neighborhood, lots of kids around. My dream.

My family knows now. I spoke briefly with my mom tonight. She asked if it was true about DH's layoff. I didn't want to talk about it so I said yes and we don't know what will happen, then ended the call. I didn't need to hear her negative things.

I don't know how to not worry about things that haven't happened when they possibly could. If I don't worry about those I can't plan around them but when I do I feel overwhelmed. I'll be calling the place Monday. I hope they can get me a prescription before I have to go see my parents. They always bring out all my emotions. I feel sadness, peacefulness, happiness, etc. Mainly because I had such a secure childhood I feel secure with them and then it ends and the harsh world in which I live returns when I leave. That's why I don't visit them often. It's too emotionally painful for me. They live in such a nice home. Even scaled down for retirement it's nice. They have problems like they get sued here and there, and my dad's health isn't the best mainly because of so much stress in his life but I always feel safe and secure around them. All the pain goes away for a while, so when I leave it returns it's like a blast. With them I can pretend.

I realized today that the minor liver damage that has been detected in blood tests I have is from my tylenol overdose. I puked most of it out, and at the hospital they gave me stuff to drink to puke the rest out but there is residual damage. They always ask me if I'd had any alcohol recently when they get the results but I don't drink and didn't figure it out until today. Tylenol. It's the only drug I had in the apartment which is why I took it. I really wanted to take a sleeping pill but didn't have any on hand. That was so dumb.

It's a good thing I stopped breastfeeding then. I was taking a tylenol before every feeding because the pain was too intense for me. I got a mental flash that it was not good to breastfeed if I had to take pain pills to get through it so I stopped. I have no guilt over it but I did with DS. My daugther is loved and cared for and that is what matters.

So as I type and get teary DH worries about me now and keeps asking if I'm okay. This is my release. I need this.

My new favorite song is on. "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell."... That and Bon Jovi's "It's my life." His song is invigorating.

I know my posts are long. Frankly if I bore people that's fine, this is really for me to work through whatever demons are within. I know I have a lot of deep seeded pain that I have yet to work through. I'm trying to but it's not easy and I wish it were. They say you have to feel it then release it. The problem is I numb myself when things get to hard so I feel no pain and it just builds. I want to release it, sometimes finding it is hard.

Do you know the chiropractor has pointed out every ache in my body? Charles backhanded me and I fell to the ground. My face is tight to this day because of it. I've had massages and facials yet that tightness is still there. Why? I have no idea. Permanent injury I guess, just like the liver thing.

I really wanted to drink today. I didn't. Alcoholism runs in my family. I know that if I'm feeling like I do and turn to alcohol I'm in big trouble. You see I'm a happy drunk and people love to be around me when I'm drunk. Friends used to encourage my drinking because I was so much fun, until the come down anyway. My mom told me when I was a teen and came home drunk that women can become alcoholics faster then men so I should never drink. I still did but I had that information so I thought about it differently. I needed to remain in control of the alcohol, if I ever felt it was becoming too much a part of my life I'd quit. And so far that has worked for me. I like being drunk but I don't do it, especially because I have an example to set for my children.

I'll be going to bed soon, but I still really want a drink. Funny this is unusual for me. I need to get this walking thing going full force. That will be my vice, in addition to writing.

People who know me think of me as a goodie goodie. I don't ever feel like a goodie goodie and I don't understand why they think of me as one. I guess I never will understand that one and it's not like I'm going to argue about it.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

It's supposed to be warm today, 80's they say. Bianca is fussy, maybe teething we don't know. She looks really cute in her little outfit though. My parents bought it for her. It's a red and white dress with bloomers. Totally adorable. I'll have to take a picture of her today.

DH woke me up this morning and I'm not happy. I wanted to sleep in. DS was awful this morning. He always acts worse when he doesn't have my full attention. I hate it. I can't sleep in, go out, anything without his wrath basically. I hate that my life is so controlled by his behavior. My parents told me children join you're life they shouldn't control it. Well it's a nice theory. I don't know if there is help for him but I'm not able to deal with him anymore. You expect children to need you more as infants and toddlers. As they grow I expected that his need would lessen or change for the better and it would be more like us enjoying each others company. He's too attached, too demanding, too everything and I don't enjoy spending time with him because of it.

I cannot have a conversation with anyone. He has to be central focus. If I'm talking with the baby or my husband, he's interrupting despite being told to wait his turn. If we're playing a game he argues if he does something wrong and is corrected. He didn't do it, you see he did but he denies everything. When he eats it's discusting. He shovels food into his mouth as though he's starving. He's too much commotion all the time when he's around. Constant chaos is not fun and I don't enjoy being around constant chaos. Yes with him it's constant. That's why I laughed when he was kicked out of the play. They can just kick him out of the activity. I cannot. I have to live with this chaos. I try ways to keep to him busy and productive but it's very draining.

So take Mackenzie, then add my Dad's stuff, and now DH's layoff onto my already stressfilled life. How does a person cope with so much? Mackenzie is a full plate, he really is. My Dad is one of the most important people in my life and what's happening with him is crushing, but I can't grieve because DS needs everything I can give and more. On top of this I now have to worry that we'll lose our house, the one good thing that was going in my life, the one thing I was looking forward to in my life. Yes I find joy in anything I can because I need to in order to survive.

I've done all I can to help DS, this testing is my last hope for him. They need to be able to help him because I can't. It took me 7 years to have another child for a reason. I thought all children demanded so much from their parents. I now they don't. Bianca is simple compared to DS even as an infant she isn't as needy. I know I won't be able to keep in him my life for much longer if there isn't a change. If meds are given we will take them. I don't want him to fail in life, but I want to be able to live. He may grow up to hate me but really I expect it. I hated my mother, either get over it or carry it with you until death. I've done all I could and more for him. It's now up to the pros because I have nothing left for him. Nothing for him because it's killing me.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So the bank knows DH is unemployed. Sad I don't know what will happen, they will get back to us. I'm nervous.

I love my daughter so much.

I'm feeling sick. Cramps, and just yuck, stress is helping (sarcasim). I am glad AF arrived, it'll be a long cycle though.

DH calls for his unemployment check tomorrow. I guess you have to call after a certain time frame before they'll send it. Glad he filed right away.

Today I go to the free clinic with DD. She needs her 9 month shot, and I hope I can find it okay. They gave me directions but I lost them. That's at 3 p.m. so I'll leave at 2:30 p.m. Thank God she's healthy (knock on wood).

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Haven't heard back from the banker. If we don't hear tomorrow we'll call. I'm not sure how I feel right now. Part of me thinks whatever happens happens. If we get the house (DH is positive we will) we'll figure things out. If we don't get it we'll be sad but it could also be seen as a new start. Trying to find the good in this whole crappy thing.

DD is playing peek a boo with me. She is soooooo cute! Her shots went well. No height weight measurements but we'll survive. I'll probably do a rough check on my own. Not the same but it's something. The people there were very nice, I'm glad.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

A bit of good news. Biggrin

The house people called and said they've had people get laid off before and they'll still progress as planned. Just let them know either way at least month before scheduled closing, sooner if we find something of course. At least I know they know and I can relax a little. She says we'll go from there if nothing comes up but of course we're all hoping something does. I'm glad they're friendly about it. I thought they'd just turn around and sell it (prices have gone up). So I'm relieved, for now.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Here's a few photos of the outfit I think is so cute. I tried all day but only these came out the best. My camera sucks, but it's better than nothing.

Did you call me mama? Biggrin

Walking with daddy.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

I was thinking about how we downsized our live so we could save money to put towards the house. Now we actually can manage on unemployment and childsupport if needed, hopefully not for long but seriously we could. Biggrin Yes I'm feeling better and no I didn't call the mental health line. I only get that way before AF arrives. So I'm hormonally imbalanced, yeah for me. (kidding about the enthusiasm)

I'm still debating about the realitor thing. I feel like if I'm going to do it now would be the time it's just a lot of up front cash. It's not all at once or anything so it's probably doable. I'm still thinking. I'll go tomorrow to see if the library has the book so I can read it this week and see if it keeps my interest. If I decide to I'll sign up after my visit with my parents. I just feel like I shouldn't rush into it even though I want to. Lol But I'll do what I think is best for us all in the long run and I think me having some kind of income is best for us even if it's sporatic.

Well DH is sleepy so we're heading to bed. Why do I get in the mood during that time? I'm refusing to cave to it because I don't want the mess or the off again on again cycle, but man he smells good today. I'm wacked. Lol Well off to bed.

And I do wonder who all reads this garbage, but if you hate me keep it to yourself because I'm very sensative. Biggrin

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

If you notice I'm always grumpy in the morning. In essance I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. Biggrin

Anyway I'm annoyed by DS again. He's sick. He always gets sick before we go visit my parents who have weakened immune systems as is. I'm so upset with him. He was out playing in water God knows where and now he's sick. He came home 2 hours late and was soaked. I don't know what to do with him. My husband says to just keep him outside away from everyone when we get there. I don't want to cancel my visit because he's sick. But they can't have a sick kid around them either. This kid is nothing but problems day after day.

DD has no insurance coverage right now, so I cannot allow him to get to close to her either. Last time he got her sick she was sick for over a month. I know kids and illness go together but he gets sick right before we got to see my parents every time. Otherwise he's healthy. I don't get it and I'm tired of it. It's not bad sick it's a cold and a cold can turn to pnemonia in an adult who has other diseases their body is fighting. He just frustrates me with all this crap.

So DH says he's worse behavior wise than the girl they had adopted when he was a kid. That girl as I had said before was turned over to the state last known residence a mental institution. Now I hope these behaviorists can figure out something because really I'm just tired. We found more stuff that he's not supposed to have in his room. This stealing thing is really getting out of hand. Yes as a child I stole something once. I got in trouble with my parents and never did it again. This child has been in trouble with us, with the school, and he still does it!

Some of his behaviors may be normal but when you're dealing with so many abnormal things it's all just too much.

For me I can handle him and one other major thing. Right now I have several things going on and he is just too much and really I've backed off and DH is now dealing with him mostly. I just can't. I'm still around for dinner time, bedtime story, and seeing him off to school. But right now I've scaled back. His running off stuff, yes I still lecture him. I still do a lot of things but I do a lot less. I'm sure the school notices. I wonder what that behavior clinic can or will do? At least the letter they sent indicated need for professional intervention. I hope there's a fix for him. Behavioral problems are not fun. Sometimes he acts like a teenager and other times he acts like a 3 year old. I just want him to act like a 7 year old. My mom says this is supposed to be the glide through age, easy until they become teens. She's usually right, I'd hate for this to be his easy age though. Lol If so we are really in trouble.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

I deleted the post about DS running off. DS was just talking to mail carrier. He was there just out of sight. Thankfully. He actually listened for once. Biggrin

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So it's rainy today. I took a nap this morning and feel good. We're going to the store to buy a few things like bread, baby food, etc. I went to the library last night and got a few books to read. Funny the book they say to get for class doesn't exist. She found it under a different title and has been out of print since 1991. She checked the university library,, etc. Hmmm. I'm reading what she gave me and she put a couple of books on request from other libraries for me. Newer versions. That'll keep me busy. She says the class would be pretty basic info. and that I should be able to read these and take the test. Lol We'll see if I can find the testing place that doesn't require the class.

Bianca has her first tooth!!!! :thewave: She is the easiest baby in the WORLD! If this was her teething man she's a total dream!

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

My son noticed today that I smile more when I look at DD than I do when I look at him. It's true and I didn't know how to respond.

Well I need to make dinner. I'm sure I'll return. Overall it's a good day, minus his outbursts. My mood is good though and that is what matters to me right now.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Okay I'm back. Biggrin

I filled out yet more forms on DS's behavior. God I am so sick of filling out forms. :mad: I know it's for the best, but it's the same damn questions on every one of them! I skipped over the ones I couldn't figure out right now, I'm just tired of the whole mess. Yes I know I'm a rotten mother to him. He's fed, clothed, but love is missing. I don't know when I lost it because I know I loved him to death as a baby. We used to dance and listen to music, and I'd laugh at him for doing his sillly baby/toddler things. I'm sure his behavior is my fault. I'm sure the love blockage started with my ex's confession. Then his behavior problems got so hard and I just couldn't deal. Who knows maybe there is something wrong.

I remember when he was about 3 and returning home from a visit with his dad. I was living with my brother, boyfriend (now husband), and best friend at the time. My brother was sitting on the floor leaning against a bed. We were talking and DS follows me into the room. My brother says "Hi Mackenzie! Biggrin Did you have a nice visit with your Dad?" No response from Mackenzie, just a grimace on his face. My brother then says "Hey Mackenzie, where's my hug?" Mackenzie folds his arms up and gets this pouty look on his face. My brother teases him a bit and tickles him because Mackenzie wouldn't talk to him or acknowledge him. He finally got him to smile and chuckle. My brother grabbed him, tickled him, and then got his hug. Biggrin That was such a sad and cute moment all at once for me. I knew he was upset that his Dad didn't spend time with him really and was taking it out on my brother. But I was happy to see how hard my brother worked to get him to break out of it and it worked, that time.

His Dad would put him to bed and then leave to go out. I reported it the police and went to court but nothing ever changed. They said it was too difficult to prove. I know it happened, and his behavior showed it. I would put him to bed and he wouldn't sleep out of fear I was going to leave. Once DH's friend came over to go out to dinner. We were all supposed to go but the friend was late so I said DH and he could go I would put DS to bed. DS heard them leave and came running out. I was sitting on the couch and he said "Oh you're still here, I thought you left with them." What more proof do they need.

Baby needs me gotta go.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So DH and I got a copy of our credit report on-line. I had a lot of credit cards! That was my ex's fault, but I paid them all off then closed them and I'm pleased. Biggrin I didn't pay to get my score, just a list of stuff on the report. I do need a credit card but I'm waiting until we close. I went crazy and cancelled them all because I was in such huge debt I didn't want to go into it again. Now I know having 1 card is smart, 7 is not. Lol It's mainly to have credit, not so much use it. We'll see what I do though. On the upside I have a list of addresses! I forget them when I move out, who needs to remember all that crap.

I need to read that reality book. It's one you have to focus on and well it's a bit distracting around here most of the day. I studied for college classes so I know I can read a freaking book. I'll start tomorrow, or maybe read it to put myself asleep. Lol I think that would be a great job for me. I'm honest and reliable (as my managers have always said). I had one boss who said I should be an attorney because I'm stringent on the rules. Lol He didn't know I actually thought about it because it's a good field to go into if you want to help people, although they too have a crappy rep. My attorney was a good one with a good reputation in the community. The judge respected her which helped my divorce case a lot. Smile

Well I'm babbling, off to bed. Smile

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Here's part of a message from DS's teacher I got via e-mail yesterday. "It's been a really hard week with Mackenzie...behavior, organization, no glasses, friendship concerns, following directions, etc."
She only notifies me when she's at the end of her rope. She told me that during conferences. I know it's hard to teach with a child like him in class, it's hard to do anything with a child like him around. I too am at the end of my rope with him. Today I stayed in bed all morning. I got up at 9:30 a.m. (I think). I listened to him argue with DH over some stupid cards, DH says not until you get home from school (because he was playing and not getting ready for school) he screams "They're my cards. I want my cards!" I listened to him scream for no real reason. I finally spoke up. No I'm not really sleeping, I just use that as a facade to hide from the commotion. You really can't hide here because it's small but at least my energey is being conserved somewhat. Yes I have days when I hide from my own child. I have to in order to keep my sanity.

I realized something last night. I've given up. DS didn't do what I told him to do and DH was going to tell him to follow the orders given, but that always turns into a major arguement so I told him to just let him do what he wants. I just don't have any fight left. I need to live in peace. I can't deal with this commotion anymore. He was not happy letting him get away with disobeying me, but the truth is he never listens anyway even after the fight. All we end up doing is getting upset so why fight it? I've tried everything. He's had every form of punishment and nothing works. So now I'm going to ignore him. My mom suggested it a long time ago, it's just too hard to ingore because you care. Well now I can because I'm at a point where I can doing nothing else for him it's up to him to change.

I'm so numb today. I'm sure after my shower I'll feel better.

My brother called yesterday. He told me my dad is angrier lately. My parents always fight, but my dad is usually silent. We'll now that he's seeing with my mom all day every day he can't be silent anymore basically. My mom can be very mean. I'm sure she's yelling at him about a lot of things. I'm sure some of it is out of fear, some of it out of frustration, etc. But he's fed up with the words or whatever else is going on and blew up. My dad won't live much longer. At the hospital he told my mom to start looking around for a boyfriend to replace him. Something like that anyway. He's 62 now. My mom is 53. You know people know when they're getting close to death. My Grandma knew, and when I left that day I knew I wouldn't see her alive again. I was right.

It's hard watching your parents grow old. It's hard knowing that eventually they won't be there for you anymore and you have to be there for them. I'm reaching that point and I'm really not ready to be there yet. I wonder what's going to happen. I never really planned for it. I figured my parents would die before reaching the point of needing me to care for them and I'm not ready to lose them in any way. But I'm going to, we all do eventually.

I feel sick today.

We leave tomorrow morning for Easter weekend with my family. Bianca has the cutest dress. I hope I get some cute pictures.

So I'm 29. I used to pray my dad would live until I was 30. Funny it felt old at the time.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Well I'm working on getting the house cleaned up so we can leave early (for us anyway) in the morning. Really it'll be mid-morning. It'll be nice to return to semi-clean house. Biggrin

My IL's were kind enough to drop off a playpen, so she can sleep in it. DH will be loading up the car this evening, he doesn't know it yet though. Lol We have to sneak in the Easter goodies.

My latest thought is that I really want to join Jenny Craig. I was reading about those weight loss surgeries and damn those are scary. I hate being fat but not enough to ruin my health forever. Of course we need jobs and money for JC but that's the program I want to try. My uncle and cousin used it, and it really worked well for them.

Well time to get off my duff and get this mess picked up.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Do you ever notice my rants are novels and my ordinary posts aren't? Smile So the apartment is cleaner. And I'll be gone all weekend. I'll have board withdrawl for sure. Time to pack.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So we're home now. Smile We stayed through until Monday because after that big meal we were too tired to drive the 6 hours home. It was a nice weekend. I enjoyed myself for the most part. Played a few board games, read a book, watched a couple movies, just relaxed and hung out basically.

Initially my mom was saying DS's behavior isn't so bad, he's excited to be here, he just had candy, blah blah blah. That lasted until she saw a few outbursts. From then on he got a few lectures from Grandma and Grandpa. Hasn't helped. Uncle chimmed in, still nothing has stuck. The kid doesn't listen to anyone. It sucks.

We had an unusual goodbye today. My mom actually kissed me. Never before has she done that. My dad said he loved me, he usually says that but the mom thing was interesting.

Bianca is happy to be home, she's actually playing with her toys. Lol She had a nice visit I think. They aren't as doting as DH's parents on her, but she's allowed to explore the world and has a good time. My mom has dolls everywhere and stuffed animals, and other things that totally appeal to kids. She's allowed to rip it down and we'll I get to pick it up. Lol They had Easter baskets for everyone and we had wonderful meals. Lots of food and I'm sure I gained weight but it was yummy.

She has so many cool antiques there. It's facinating. She has part of the wedding dress her great-grandmother wore. It was an arranged marriage and the dress was black, her mom added a shirt, and mine added a bow and a hat. The waist has to be about 10 inches around. Seriously. Just really cool to look at. Their house is a museum, only you're allowed to touch things. It's always been like that only I appreciate it more as an adult.

I looked through my baby book. DS says my hair and face look the same but the rest of me doesn't. Basically that's a nice way of saying I've gotten really fat, which I have.

It's sad how fast time goes. Moments in time each photo represents. Click and it's gone. I thought about taking some photos but I didn't. I will when we move into the house. I'd like to frame a couple. Funny how you don't realize you're parents have aged so much until you see a photo of them from 20 years ago.

My mom told me that her friend babysat me a couple days a week when I was about 2. She arrived early one day and was told a man had come to pick me up. She was hoping I'd remember and could tell her about it. She said she believes she knows who it was (the owner of the company my dad worked for dated her once and she broke up with him and then married my dad). She returned at the normal pick up time and I was there unharmed. She thinks he took me to check me out or something. He had asked her to leave my dad and me to marry him after I was born, but she said she couldn't leave us. Odd event, but I'm still around. My guess is he either has a physical done on me or just wanted to get to know me. Either way he died in a plane crash shortly thereafter. She has the best stories.

Well dinner time.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

We told DS to come inside and play in his room. He didn't want to and ran off. He's been gone an hour. I'm sure he went to his friends house, the house we told him no he couldn't go there today. Sad It's so hard dealing with him all the time. He's either stuck to you like glue (annoying as hell) or running the gammout. :cry: I hate my life.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

More on my visit. Biggrin I've determined my dad's retirement career is as a farmer. Smile He bought numerous fruit and nut trees, which he has started planting. He has a large garden planned. He'll produce enough veggies and fruits to have a roadside stand in a couple of years I said. Lol He said great another building project. Biggrin He's currently working on landscaping and having a garage built. They want to put in a pool too. I'll believe that when I see it. They're plot of land is actually off a main roadway so the stand would work out. Smile hehehe They have 5 acres I think. They are soooo busy all the time. I can't wait for the fresh fruits and veggies to grow. I love home grown food.

So I told them of DH's unemployment, no they didn't know. My Mom asked why I didn't tell them then answered it herself. She said "Were you planning on calling us when he got something else? Saying oh, Todd was laid off but he's working here now." Biggrin "Pretty much", I said. I hate to give them bad news, they have enough stress and don't need to worry about me.

They had a restaurant (bought it for my brother when he was 18 because he thought he wanted to do that). It failed because my teenage brother was too busy with his girlfriend to manage it properly, so they sold it. I'm not sure how they worked it out but the guy is supposed to make payments to them and he hasn't since they moved so off to court they go. I referred them to a respected lawyer in the area so I'm sure things will turn out okay but it's more stress my dad doesn't need. Funny how you can see where others are going wrong but when it's yourself your blind.

So I did a free natal chart thing today. What I got out of it was.... The planet I fall under signifies success. In some cases failure is shown in weight gain (something like that) and sure enough I'm the failure side of things. Oh I'm just so lucky! It said I'd live to old age and die of natural causes. Oh God NO! And other joyful things. I may have to try to find it again and post it. I knew I should have bookmarked it. Lol You have to pay for the good ones and I'm just too damn cheap to do that, unless I really feel like it would help me somehow.

Well DH is bugging me as usual, I'm off.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So it's morning. DS did return last night, no we don't know where he went because he wouldn't answer our questions so he went straight to bed. It was 8 p.m. again. My parents gave him a watch, a nice one. He's been trying to break it since he got it. He uses the watch thing as an excuse for not returning on time.

We had another DS rant this morning. We simply asked to see his notebook from school. Instead of handing it over he went ballistic and said you already saw it. I needed it to write a note to the teacher about missing school yesterday, which I told him. He stompped off, slammed his bedroom door, and pounded the door (it already has holes in it). Did I mention we've lived here since January. I'm just tired of him always acting insane. Really I want him to straighten up or get out. I don't need this crap every day. I can't take it and it's badly affecting DD. She gets all shaky when he starts going insane, I wish he'd just stop. I have more forms to fill out. I loved hiding from it for a few days. I wish I could stay with my parents forever. He still acts up but it's just different there.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So DS decided not to come straight home from the bus. He showed up a half hour later. I was sick to my stomach for a while. I just hate that nothing gets through to him yet I still get upset. I wish I could break away somehow but of course he's only 7 and I really can't do that.

Now all he's doing is whining about various homework problems. I just want to slap him, which I wouldn't but I think about it. I hate listening to that whiny voice. He's so difficult.

I'm truely sick of being fat yet I still eat candy and pizza. I wish we had money so I could join Jenny Craig. I know I could diet on my own but it's not working for me right now, I've tried but only last about a week. It's too much to figure out all the time. Yes I'm being lazy about it. I've done weight watchers, it never works for me. I cheat around it all the time. I need the strict plan (at least I think I do at this moment).

So DH is complaining that we aren't having sex enough. I don't know it's just not that exciting for me. I'm really a thrill seeker. I have the most fun pre-marriage. I don't know why but it's like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to so it's more fun then. Now we're married and well we're married. I can have sex with him whenever and no one cares if we have sex. Where is the fun? I'll have to figure out how to spice things up, but I really have no desire these days. It's just boring. Maybe I'm just in a funk. I've started pretending he was someone else just to spice it up, but then talks and it ruins it. Well I'll have to come up with something.

Gawd my body needs to change. I can't live as the person I want to be. It really sucks. I hate it.

The thoughts I haven't shared:
I married a boring guy. My brother wonders what the heck I see him. LOL If he only knew. Really I think it sucks to be married. I don't know how long this will last. I just don't see myself being married my whole life. Who knows though, things happen we don't plan on. He's a descent guy, good father, ect. etc. I just need more in my life. I've got issues. The psychic reader asked if we were still together. Wonder why? Lol Am I supposed to be with someone else? Not sure how good she is. Last reading she said I would meet the love of my life that year, I'm married I said. She responded but still said I would met him. I will admit I met a guy and had an instant connection, but he was also married and I'm not the cheating type. Maybe we'll meet up again someday. I don't know what it was about him but I've never felt that before. He told me how to reach him but I haven't. I just couldn't go there, even though I totally wanted to. We met in a night class we were taking. We parked in the same parking lot, walked together, parked within a few cars of each other. It was the day after 9/11 so maybe that had something to do with it. We locked eyes and I got nervous said bye or something and got into my car. It was an ackward moment, like following a first date. I had to leave. We sat near each other in class not on purpose (just happened to be the seats left most days). He told me where he worked and oddly I don't remember his name. It's for the best I'm sure. DH is really a good guy. I just have days I feel odd that I'm married.

Well baby is awake.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

I wanted to take family style portraits of my parents with the kids but they didn't comply. So I took misc. photos (crappy ones basically) but I wish they would have just allowed me those few moments. I see so many wonderful family portraits and my family never took those, and still don't. I have one family photo from when I was 2, before my brother was born. Then one other one, but I'm holding this doll that's the size of my entire body so it's not the ideal family photo. I don't know it just bothered me.

DH has a lead on a good job. I hope he gets an interview and it works out. It's for a healthcare company. I'll probably be lonely when he's gone though. It's strange how quickly you get into a new way of life and the days or weekends don't matter. Although my schedule is completely off since he's been here. I really enjoy watching him and Bianca together.

The siding is complete on the house. It's beautiful! The consultant called to give us an update on the progress, and I suspect to check on the job status. It's all drywalled and painted. Cabinets and trim are going in soon. It's just so exciting.

I'm thinking about the realitor thing still. I think I'll just take the classes and see how it goes. I'm not all that enthusiastic about returning to work but the fact is I think I need it. I love DD, and love having time to get things done, but I feel like I've gotten lazier. I really think I need to be out of the house and productive in society. I need to feel like I contribute and housework just doesn't do it for me.

My husband is always telling me how lucky I am to have him. So today I responded with you're lucky to have me. Lol He gave a funny look. He's a nice enough guy but I don't love him. Frankly I never have and I don't think he really does although he says it all the time. But he's descent so there is no real reason to leave. He comes home, doesn't drink, helps out around the house, plays with the baby, changes diapers, etc. etc. etc. I tried to break up with him, but again I didn't have a good reason to just that I don't have that in-love feeling for him. I care about him. I'm just not in-love or ever have been with him. That is one of my deep dark secrets. It's not fun to lie to someone but I do because I care about his feelings. When I met that guy and had that overwhelming feeling I knew what I was missing but he was unavailable as well so it wasn't meant to be I thought. I thought I could eventually grow to love my husband, so I married him thinking it would be fine. I do think we are good together. I'm happy enough.

I don't think my parents are in-love either. They care about each other, but that la la feeling didn't bring them together either. I know because my mom doesn't talk about how in love with him she was, she talks about how nice of a guy he was and how he was family oriented and she wanted to have children. Nope not everyone is lucky enough to marry for love. I wasn't in love with my ex, oh I though he was hot but I didn't like him as a person. And I had no intention of marrying him.

I suppose they have arranged marriages so love isn't always necessary but it would be nice (but what do I know). Lol

I have no idea why I thought about that guy today. Must have read someones journal that brought back memories. It was a great moment and it warms my heart just thinking about it. Funny I barely remember how he looked, just that feeling. I honestly couldn't look him in the eye after that because I felt like a giddy teenager. Everytime we made eye contact it was so cool and freaky all at the same time. I look people in the eye all the time and I've never had a connection like that with a stranger. Part of me wishes I would see him again just to see if it was the moment or something more. I doubt I'll ever see him again. I honestly don't think I really want to. Too intense.

Oh btw I'm a flirt so it really could have been just an ackward moment that I'm dragging out. Smile

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So it's morning. I'm not sure what we'll do today. DH said he wanted us to go for a walk. I usually have to fight him to go for a walk with me so I just haven't done it, now he's initiating. Hmmm, must be tired of my complaints about weight. I wish being overweight was just a bad dream and I'd wake up normal sized.

Okay so I have nothing to say right now. I'm sure something will bring me here later.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So again more of DS's shit. DH said he needed to see his backpack, so DS slams the doors and leaves. He left his backpack, no glasses, nothing. He better be going to the busstop. None of us are dressed so we can't chase after him. Not that I would anyway I'm just sick to death of his outbursts over nothing. He was sneaking stuff to school that he wasn't supposed to, DH knew something was up when he snuck his backpack into his room. It's not allowed out of sight because he steals and sneaks things he's not supposed to. Too bad there's no return policy on kids.

Can't wait for the school to call today. Hopefully we're gone. I'm thinking of going to look at plants to obtain landscape ideas. We need to come up with a landscape plan. I need to keep these things on track assuming the house stuff goes through as planned. I'm sure it will. DH has some good leads now.

DS came back. He better catch that bus or he's walking. He just upsets me way too much.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Okay so today sucks. DS has been a brat all day. He got a note from the teacher. He ran off during homework time. We tracked him down. Natural consequence you miss dinner time you don't eat. We only went to get him because we wanted to go see the interior of the house and couldn't very well leave with him not in tow.

The house looks great. The walls are done, the ceiling is done, etc. It's beautiful. Smile

This afternoon DH and I went for a nice long walk. We return home. I had some water and a while later a snack. Ever since I've had irregular, sharp, shooting pains on my left side. I cannot figure out why, my guess it's a muscle or something but OMG I'm a bit concerned about what it is. Hopefully it goes away, I think it's lessening so maybe it was just an adverse reaction or something. :confused:

Oh DS is now screaming about how he wants to eat. Well get home for dinner. What the neighbors must think. Piercing screams, kicking the wall, just a joy. :roll:

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

I wish I knew how to keep DS's behavior from upsetting me to my core. When I'm stressed I eat. Bad yes I know but it's true. When my Dad had triple by-pass surgery, I was 13 I gained about 50 lbs., which I later lost with major effort. Since DS's birth I have gained 100 lbs. I have been under constant stress. I'm now chewing gum to keep myself from eating anything more. If I was bulemic I would have puked. I've never been able to do that but some days I wish I could just puke it all up.

Man I'm seriously going crazy here. Then I feel totally guity for having these feelings about my child, but I can't live like this. He's too much all the time. It's killing me, and that is no joke. I just want to cry right now, not nice crying either just break down overload cry. I do not know what to do for him. I can't help him. I try to talk to him and runs away, covers his ears, etc. I'm dying all over again and I don't know how to stop it.

Little Bianca just looks at me with her sparkling life filled eyes and that just melts my heart. I love her so much and don't want her to see me like this but I'm dying. It's too much for me. I pray help come for him soon. Each day gets worse and worse. He broke the storm door today, and I didn't even care. It's normal, he breaks things. I have nothing descent because of his destruction. On purpose by accident doesn't matter anymore.

Bianca is teething. She's even easy as a teether. She screamed once and we got her then realized it was teething pain. She's sleeping now. She even opened her mouth to put the oragel on, she forgot to take the teething toy out (it was so cute) we moved it though. Smile She's just so peaceful, it's really nice.

I was terrified to have her. I was afraid she'd be like DS. I thought all kids were like him and I was just shitty parent who couldn't handle a kid. Yes I hear the teachers say he was problematic. I figured it was my parenting that made him that way. Now I hear it's not parenting. I just hope there is help for him. I really hope there is. He's not all bad, no one is, he's just so hard to handle for me most of the time. God I need peace in my life. I need to heal and be me again.

I tell DD she's so wonderful if all babies were like her people would have lots of babies. She smiles. It's totally true. With her I was so lucky.

You know after that walk this afternoon I felt my blood flowing through my veins. It was really cool. I felt the pulsating of the blood throughout my body. I hope we walk again tomorrow. It was so beautiful outside. DD loves it too. My mom says to lose weight walk walk walk. I hope she's right. It's all I can do right now. I miss my old self. I miss being beautiful. I miss being seen as me and not a fat woman. That's all I really want, to be me again.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So I took an allergy pill and am a lump on a log today. On the upside I can breathe. :roll:

My God it's 1:30 p.m. already. We haven't gone for our walk yet. I'll have to say something, man I feel so worn out.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Well we haven't gone a walk, I guess we'll do it tonight. I'm just feeling lazy. The phone has been ringing all day. My friend found a house they like but it's further out than they want to live so she's not sure. It's a really cute house (from the internet photos) with a pond view, but they'll do what they do.

DH has an interview tomorrow!!!!! :kaos3: I'm so happy!!! Biggrin They both used to work for the same company!!! Maybe it's a sign. :thewave:

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

I'm just really pissy now. I wasted time watching Oprah. She had a show about people who lost significate amount of weight. I thought it would motivate me. It didn't. One gave up all sweets and pop stuff like that, another went to a nutritionist, etc. etc.

Anyway DH had the nerve to look at me with the why don't you give up pop and sweets look. He started to speak when I responded with why don't you just give it all up? He shut up. All he drinks is pop, all he eats is junk and he has the nerve to give me a look? :evil:

My Mom told me she could never have married a man who can junk and never have to worry about gaining weight. She says she'd rather he gained weight right along with her for eating crap. He just thinks it's oh so easy when he himself can't go a day without a can of pop. I have pop maybe once a week and that's only because it's in the house. If it wasn't I'd drink it almost never. I order water usually we we're at a restaurant or tea. Very rarely pop.

I watched him eat all the foods I couldn't eat during my pregnancy. He didn't think a thing about it. I'm just so mad at him right now. That look was just out of line.

The hardest part is if I cook healthy he doesn't want to eat it and complains. Do I really need this? Then have DS, who just pisses me off telling me to just jog. As if he's some kind of expert on weight loss. The kid is skinny because I marry skinny men. I do that because I don't want my kids to go through what I have to go through in life.

I have a mother who blames my excess weight on the fact I finished my cheeseburger as a kid. When I stopped eating just the half she knew it I was eating too much and would get fat. :roll: I know why I got fat, it just isn't as easy to get back to normal and these people need to shut the fuck up! In my mom's eyes it's my dad's fault for taking me to Mc'Donalds and letting me finish my entire cheeseburger. Oh please. I'm fat now because I gained weight on purpose. I hated my husband and wanted him to leave me. He hated fat people and all I had to do was start eating the junk food I cut out of my diet. It was easy. Damn problem was he didn't leave and I got fat.

I just hate my life and wish it would end.

DS ran off again. I don't want to cook for anyone.

I get so tired of hearing how pretty I used to be and asked what happened. I mean what is wrong with people? The best was my cousins wedding. "I recognized your face." He said as I walked through the greet line. Why doesn't my Grandpa just show up now? He liked to tell me how fat I was getting. I'm sure he thinks I need that favor again. Oh that's why I have kids. They can tell me because I don't pick up on the hints society gives. OMG I hate my damn life. It's easy to tell a person to not eat certain foods, are those people eating those foods? Then who the fuck are they to talk? Oh and my husband says he hasn't seen me on the treadmill lately. I've never seen him use the treadmill. Oh he's thin so he doesn't have to. I just can't take it. Being fat sucks. It's the worst thing in life to be. People treat you like shit.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So I kept my cool when DS decided to return home. I talked with him in a firm tone. I told him that 7 year olds cannot have jobs, cannot rent apartments, and cannot decide for themselves when they want to stay or go. Until he can get a job, pay for his expenses, etc. he needs to do what we tell him to do and that means not running off. I then said if he runs off again he then chooses to support himself by eating out of garbage cans and sleeping on the grass because I will not provide a bed for a child who chooses to live by his own rules.

I'm hoping he gets the point, but that's the jist of what I said. I told him if he runs off again to forget about returning home and that I would just call the police to take him away. Hopefully I scared the crap out of him. He needs something to shake him up. This do as I please crap is just not happening with me, if he wants to continue it he does so at his own risk.

God I just don't know what to do with him. He's a 7 year old doing stuff I sort of did as an 11 year old, and when I did it it was accidental. It wasn't like my parents said come inside and I ran off like he does. I'd be hanging out with friends and lose track of time or get lost or something (happened twice). This is almost daily with him. He needs to get out or straighten up is how I feel. Yes I've pretty much detached myself from him now. Too much all the time. Sure I still get the pain in pit in my stomach, but now I'm at the breaking point. This crap has to end now.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Okay I posted on a board to professional psychologist about DS's behavior. Here is the response I received. I'm shocked, to tell you the truth.

"I certainly understand what you must be going through. This is a very chaotic and painful situation for you. I that sense I am not sure what you can do to get some relief. If you can then I would suggest you do that. He may need some kind of hospitalization.

First thing is get him diagnosed and see what he needs in regard to medication. Then find out what help is available, support groups, hospitals, people to come in, counseling for him, a group home ane etc.

He definitely needs major professional help. Don't leave any stone unturned. Get all the help you can.

Best Wishes,

Dr. Bill Cloke"

I'm both deeply saddened and relieved by the doctor's remarks.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So it's a new day. Looks kind of rainy. DH is tired, he was up with the baby. I was zonked out and didn't even hear her, I woke up when I noticed his side was empty. :shock: Then I went back to sleep until 7:30 a.m. Lol

Today is DH's interview day. Man I need to do laundry. I'm a slacker these days.

DD is in teething turmoil. I hope those suckers pop soon. Poor girl. Sad I hate giving her meds all the time but it really helps her so I do it. Tylenol once or twice a day and oragel 3 times rougly. She's taking steps here and there, and standing for periods of time. She'll be walking before DH returns to work. Lol

Nothing else to discuss right now so I'm off.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So he's back from the interview. Gave me time to get a few things done around here. Wonder why nothing gets done when he's here. Probably because he's bugging me for sex or hugging me or grabbing me everytime I move.

Anyway he'll hear more next week. He likes it, I don't. No dental coverage and later hours. He likes the 4 weeks vacation right off, and business casual attire. He used to wear a shirt and tie everyday. I told him to keep interviewing if he gets it because it'll take us through the house. But I really don't like it. He has a family and needs to think of that while interviewing. Not just what works for him and getting home after 7 p.m. at night doesn't work for this family.

So next week he'll be interviewing with the interviewers boss most likely. DH says a job is a job. I want him to get a good job, not just any job.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So my ex stopped by today to drop of DS's medical card. Anyway Charles said his wife wants his almost 2 year old son put in daycare because he's too much for her, especially with a new baby. Charles says he's hyper just like Mackenzie. Great so it is him with the psycho gene. No wonder DS said she (Aunty he calls her) didn't want another baby. At least she got a girl. Hopefully she'll take after her, although I think she's crazy to have married him anyway. I was naive, what's her excuse? Lol

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So my friends are stopping by sometime this weekend. We'll drive out to the house, it's something to do. My friends want to see it and now it's starting to look like a house it's fun to see. Smile

We'll be in moved into the house by DD's birthday, which is July 3rd. Biggrin My parents are going to my uncles for the 4th, and aren't sure if they'll make it. He lives way up north. They'll stop by. My mom said she wasn't going to be in the delivery room but she stayed. I think she just wants to see how I'll react. I would do her party the weekend before by that's my brother's birthday and he doesn't want to share. He'll grow up someday, maybe. Lol I'll figure out something. My IL's always go up to their cabin. I just may have to take over my brother's birthday. He's just mad because father's day is the week before and he feels gipped. Lol Oh poor Daniel.

My parents said they had no boy name picked out for me. However my brothers name was supposed to be Danielle for a girl and Clinton (after her grandpa) for a boy. She said he didn't look like a Clint so Daniel it became. Yes I am a mean older sister. :twisted:

So it's time to head out. It's a gorgeous day. :sunny:

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Oh the house is so pretty! The kitchen cabinets have started to go in. They have the trim and doors ready to go as well. The concrete garage has been poured and it's really coming together beautifully. Now DH needs to get a job secured and all will be fine. Smile He will, but we won't have as much saved as I would have liked.

It's gorgeous out today. DD is napping, DS is playing with some kids, with permission. The talk did make an impact, I'm really suprised. He's still have glitches but he's much better (at least for now).

My MIL wants to take the kids up to the cabin for the weekend. She says that's her mother's day gift. They're great with the baby so I'm not that worried but still all little eeek comes out when she asks. I said okay. DD's spent the night before with them and come back fine. A little spoiled but fine. Lol DS loves the cabin so there's no thought that needs to go into that at all. Just losing my baby. But I'll sleep in and make DH take me to a matinee or a cheap movie or something just so we can enjoy it. He's actually dog sitting that weekend but they can be left for a few hours. So next weekend is kid free and I've got a lot of preparation to do.

This boy has to get to work, summer time costs us money. Wink

I've decided not to rush into the realitor thing because it'll always be there, I've got too much going on right now to really focus on it. I want DH to be employed for one. I also want to be settled in the house. If I have to beg my parents for the money to take the classes I will. Okay maybe not, but they know if I actually ask for something it must be pretty important or I wouldn't do it. I'll find a way without asking them.

I have a baptism to plan, moving, DD's birthday, etc. These are just at the top of the list. Yes I always have a lot going on in my life. That is why I'm stressed 90% of the time.

The year I married DH we bought our first home, DS started kindergarten, we got a dog, etc. etc. etc. I counted 13 major life stressors that year. That's me, constant stress. DH thinks I live for it. I must but I hate it. When things are settled I'm bored so I find something to do. Most recently I had a baby, sold our house, started building, moved to a 2br townhome, dad nearly died, DH got laid off. I'm sure there's more that's all I remember. I need to figure this out. I'm always busy. At least when I have a house again I can focus on projects. Like my parents do. Smile I've already started planning those.

Painting, drywall basement, build deck, patio, landscaping, grass, etc., etc. That's why I need a job to make the money to do the things I want to do in life. Problem is I hated my job so I quit. And here I sit.

Spring has Sprung! That gets me excited again. Aside from painting, outdoor projects will happen first (deck excluded, that's next year if I can make it happen). This house I love so I'll be fixing it for us to stay in long term. I just cannot wait.

Yes this is me planning and planning and not sure how I'll get the money but somehow we get these things done. We built a patio at our last house, very nice one that everyone loved. It's cheaper when you do it yourself and really satisfying. But it takes longer than you plan usually. Lol It rained almost all summer so our weekend project (started memorial day weekend) took until right before DS's birthday in August! My parents took DS for 2 weeks and that's when we finally got it done. Working full-time and having kids takes time so building well it got thrown on the back burner. Then we didn't get to use it for DS's birthday because the it rained that day! :roll: Such is life.

It's so pretty, our house is so pretty. I just love it love it love it!

First things first.

* Close on the house.

* Have a landscape designer draw up some plans we can gradually impliment.

* They'll sod the front and sideyard and give us a tree to plant.

* We'll have to seed the back yard. We'd like to hydroseed it, we know it'll stick and birds won't eat all the seeds.

* Paint rooms before moving in, it's easier. Smile White white everywhere just doesn't work for me.

* Move in and go from there. Biggrin

Okay I've babbled enough. I just love thinking and planning things. I need to be more of a doer. Lol

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So I spoke to soon, and DS is gone yet again.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So betterhomes and gardens has a listing of 27 landscape ideas. They're nice, and a couple looked doable (not sure of cost though). I may use those instead of pay someone for plans. I am so not a landscaper. I'm also allergic to almost everything in nature but really love how nature looks. Sucks to be me. I need a couple of good tree ideas. I'll want a shade tree in the backyard (an eventual shade tree anyway). I may get a fruit tree. They don't get too big and you get fruit! Biggrin

Oh this will be so fun. Our other house had overgrown huge trees that were dying. It was nice as far as shade over the patio but they dropped branches all over, and that sucked.

Well I'm into America's Most Wanted now.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

I'm very sad with how my life has turned out. Sure I have good things, which I am grateful for, I just wish I had made better choices. I hurt myself and a lot of people because of the choices I made. As they say hindsight is 20/20. I have to say my foresight was descent I just didn't listen to my intuition. Sad

I don't feel like I am myself. I don't feel like I am who I was meant to be. I wish I knew how to become that person or even who that person is supposed to be.

I have knots in my stomach again.

I'm in a doom and gloom mood right now. DS I think sets it's off or contributes to it. We said dinner was in 30 minutes. He ran off with his friend, he had his watch and knew what time we said to be home. I understand you start having fun and don't care, but he needs to learn that doing this is not okay. I hate that he doesn't learn.

My husband is feeling so rejected lately. I can't help it, I'm just not in the mood. Too much stress right now. Today he told me I had really changed. I used to jump at the opportunity for some action, especially mid-day, but today I didn't.

Maybe I really need anti-deppressants. :confused: I just can't imagine needing a pill to live. It's so foreign to me. I think I should call them, but then tomorrow I'll change my mind. I don't know what to do there. My family is very anti that kind of stuff. You'd have to grow up with them to understand. My Dad choose to avoid an entire food group for the rest of his life rather than take a small pill the rest of his life. Stuff like that. Oh they take meds now, but that really is life or death and they are always looking for natural answers. St. John's Wort. That's what I should take or 5 HPT. I should take one of those instead. I'll look on the health site and see what they have. I don't really trust GNC.

Well time for bed.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So I've been spotting after sex. That's very unusual. Too bad I don't have medical so I could call my doctor and ask if I should be concerned. I read some stuff on that has me wondering and yes I can be a bit paranoid. My real guess is hormone fluctuation. Although my Grandma, whom I genetic copy of had some kind of cancer at age 30. She didn't remember specifically what kind (it was the 1940's and all then knew then was cancer meant death). She said they did surgery and she hadn't had a problem since. So of course I'm paranoid. She died a few years ago at age 84.

So I'm always tired lately. It really sucks. I need some pep! I'm working on the washing the kids clothes now, I need to switch the loads. We're going to friends tonight for a barbecue. That should be fun. DD can play with Nicole, she's 4 months older but they love playing with each other. I wish I could be a SAHM forever, but I know we'll need me to work.

DD took 2 steps today, she's also crusing on the couch with one hand. Soon she'll really be walking. My babies grow up too fast. It's cool but sad all at the same time. DS was walking at 10 1/2 months. Babies aren't babies long enough. But toddlers are usually pretty fun. Their personalities start coming through. I hope DD's personality is easier to handle than DS's was, he was so hard.

I really want another but hate the thought of being pregnant again right now. I'd love another girl, but also dream of a little boy. For some reason I like the name Aaron. Never used to but it's really been in my head a lot lately. Haven't figured out a middle name, of course I have lots of time (not pregnant, nothing really planned right now). We had talked July but it probably won't be until next year. I want them close in age yet I'm not ready to go through it all again. I know physically I'm just not ready. I wish I would be and could have twins (a boy and a girl). That would rock! Yes I used to want 3/4 kids. Need money and a bigger car but I suppose my two dogs are my other two kids (Sport and Sasha). My boy and girl. Lol

Okay so I'm forcing myself off the computer now. Bye

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

DD is too funny. DH fell asleep on the couch. DD from across the room starts yelling. Da da Da da Da da. Nothing. So she crawls over and starts pounding on the couch. Still no response. So she hits his arms, trys shaking him, walks along the couch and tries hitting his leg, walks around, trys his arms again, gives up and comes by me. He woke up and I told her daddy's awake, so she rushes over all excited and he closes his eyes again. He opened them for her and she was happy. It was cute.

She has this little chickidie ?sp that she just loves. She learned how to keep it churping and just leaves it. If you stop it she's right on it. She is just too funny.

I need to shower but wanted to post my excitement. I've decided to sign up for e-diets. It's just what I want at a price I can afford. Hopefully it works. I haven't signed up yet but I will. I've almost talked myself into it. Smile I just can't be fat anymore. I need to make changes today. Healthy ones that aren't going to cost me my future health and I really think that's the right plan for me.

Well off to shower. Biggrin

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Okay I'm a little overwhelmed, but I did sign up for ediets. Biggrin The site is huge and confusing but I'll figure it out, I hope. Pray for me I need to lose so much weight it's scary. I'll go a day at a time. Tomorrow we go grocery shopping, so I'll start tomorrow.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Okay so I semi started my diet tonight. The only meal I could was dinner, which I screwed up and instead ate cereal. Lol Then I had some fruit because I was still hungry later.

We're almost out of formula and diapers. The school social worker rescheduled our meeting, it's now Wednesday. DS is doing better lately, wonder why? We haven't gotten an unemployment check (yes that poses a big problem). We have savings but I was trying not to touch it. DH called them about it and they're looking into it, whatever that means. We better get something soon. We have bills to pay and a baby to feed. I told him to call about it again tomorrow. He doesn't do anything unless I tell him to. :mad:

God I hope he gets a job soon. Lets get some calls for interviews tomorrow. I'm praying.

Great stupid MN is going to pass a concel and carry law. Just what we need a bunch of crazy people walking around with guns. Um, do they think at all? Road rage, crazy ex's. I'm a bit scared now. :shock:

I lost a lot of weight once, which is why I swore I would never get fat again. It actually hurts when you're losing weight. I'm not sure why but I remember being in pain. Maybe I was losing too fast or something, who knows but it wasn't fun. I just told myself it was good because it meant the fat was dissolving. Whatever. :roll:

I'm on-line too much these days. I'm in need of alone time. DH is near me hinting at sex all the time. It's really annoying. I can't move without him touching me, grabbing me, etc. I've told him to back off but he still does it. :evil:

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So it's a new day. I ate breakfast and I feel good, maybe that has been my energy problem. :confused: It's kind of gloomy out today. Yuck. We have to give our notice to vacate. Hopefully we have somewhere to go namely the house at the end of our lease. DD loves when I pick up her toys so she can mess them all up again. Oh well it only takes a minute to pick them up. Nothing to else to discuss right now. We have a lot to do today so I'm off.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

I'm really having a rough day. Just feeling down mostly. Still don't know what the deal is with unemployment. Okay rent is due and I just hate hate hate pulling money out of savings when we could be making it if only we'd get the unemployment checks. :evil: I guess there's some major problem with the system affecting lots of people. I just hope it gets fixed soon.

It's raining so no walk today. Sad

So we got some very generic diapers for DD. Hope they don't leak, and her formula and food stuff. We have formula travel packs but I'd rather have the canister. Worst case scenerio I start wrapping towels around her butt and buy pins like the good ol' days. Lol

DS wet the bed. I'm in the process of washing it. Oh gross. He almost always wets the bed after a shower, it's so discusting. It's like he wants to smell or something. I don't know what that's about but if I would have noticed it he would have showered this morning again. I wasn't awake though.

I haven't been sleeping well. DH is bugging me all the time for sex. He wakes me up a couple times a night. Sometimes I let him last night I just wouldn't. It's really pissing me off. I need him to get a job! He's all crabby today because he didn't get any last night, I know. But there's more to life than that and he needs to give me space!

So like I said I'm not happy today.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

I'm alive. I'm just really distancing myself lately. Not sure if it's good or bad. I think I do need anti-depressants. I've been sleeping late, have no sex drive, various symptoms. It's time for me to get help. Too much is bringing me down and I'm having a hard time keeping on top of it I guess. I don't feel depressed I just feel like I'm in a funk.

DH has an interview tomorrow, yea. Hopefully something comes through soon. I'll call the mental health place tomorrow when DH is at his interview. I can't call when he's around, he's always around me. Who knows maybe that's my problem.

We met with the school social worker today. Just talked and completed some more forms. She said what we say matches up with what the teacher says about his behavior. Guess that's good. Didn't gain much from it though, DD was getting fussy (nap time). I hope we get some useful information soon.

I'm not feeling right lately. Getting headaches and just feeling crappy. What is with all the headaches I'm having lately? I never used to get headaches.

Oh God DS is whining again. If he's not screaming he's whining. I wish it would stop. Oh good now he's screaming because he brought clay home from school and it's raining outside so we said he couldn't play with it. We can't have clay in the carpet. It's nothing big just put it away until later or tomorrow. Why is everything such a big deal?

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

What a story. I'm watching Oprah and this little girl ended up on Star Search. Her family was homeless! They decided to go to Florida (they were living in their van because they lost their home). They pit stopped in Las Vegas and ended up at this lounge where children could go. Tiffany Lounge (the girls name is Tiffany). The singer asked if the little girl girl could sing and handed her the microphone. She said yes and began to sing which brought a crowd into the lounge. People left machines to hear her sing! :shock: She ended up with an agent and is now in the finals for Star Search (she's 6). OMG what a story. They now have a townhouse, but it's so cool how things like that work out. 5 months they were homeless (she has 3 brothers and sisters). How cool for them.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

You know I really think I'm going to lose the weight this time. I don't feel guilty when I don't eat right. I'm happy about my small sucesses instead of beating myself up for not being perfect or doing better, etc. I really think I'm in the mindset to make this happen. I feel at peace right now.

I'm listening to music right now. I love music. I really miss having music as a part of my life. It used to be such a big part I would literally sing in my sleep. I had to practice a lot for competitions. I just really miss that part of myself.

I didn't realize I had a gift. I know realize a lot of people really can't sing. I used to think everyone could they just didn't practice like I did. No really people are tone deaf. DS is one of them I just don't have the heart to tell him. He loves copying me when I sing. DH can't sing, my ex couldn't sing, my best friend is okay but really not great, and since I was around so many people who could I never thought anything about it. Now I understand why certain things happened to me. Signs I guess they could be called. Basically God saying yes you have a gift use it. I just wish I knew how I was supposed to use it. KWIM That's one sign I have yet to pick up on. Okay I semi have. I see that Star Search is back on the air. I really think I should audition for it, I just hate being fat because I'm shy. The cool thing about a stage is the lights, you don't see the people (at least not well) so you can pretend they aren't there (sort of).

I don't know. I still don't have the guts to do that. I'm a major chicken.
I have a lot of issues, which is why I post here. I really like having a journal. It's helping me heal.

Fear of success. Success = Expectations Success = Hard Work
If you're doing what you love it's not work. My dad loved his job. He was successful. He worked hard. It was fun for him to work because his work was something he enjoyed doing. When you love your job you work harder at it. And it doesn't feel like work at all. OMG why didn't I realize this before! He's always told me to do what I love. I've never listened and been miserable. I must find a way to live doing what I love. It's possible people everywhere are making money doing what they love. My college professor said I was lucky I knew my passion, all I had to do was live it. I don't know how to live it I said. Maybe I do but I'm afraid to.

Okay the only thing stopping me is me. It's time for me to stop making excuses.

I feel so energize yet I still don't know if I can take that next step. It's a very scary step for me. If I feel this great I must be on the right track with my thinking.

Okay I'm weirded out right now. Even my head feels clear suddenly. I wonder what's going to happen? I feel enlightened or something.

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

Yep, still alive. Nope didn't call the mental health line. I just don't want to get into taking meds. Not desperate enough. Lol DS is still here. Late but he showed up eventually.

DH had an interview with a consultanting firm and has another one tomorrow.

I feel good about my diet so far, don't really feel like I'm dieting I'm sure they have my calories set to high. I'm weighing myself every morning. I don't care what they say it keeps me on track. I gained the 1st day but I'm almost back down to starting. I weighed after breakfast this morning so I could be back to my start weight. Hopefully! It was my fault (I made chocolate chip cookies and ate too much dough). Yes I know good way to start a diet. I don't know what I was thinking. Oh I made them before I signed up for the diet. :oops: I just love the menu plan. Yummy food! I'm eating good now and learning how to cook better.

Nothing really happening around here. The weather is getting nicer. We should have gone for a walk but with DS getting home things get chaotic and I forgot to mention it. I'll walk on the treadmill tonight. At least it's something but I never walk as far on the treadmill as I do outside, not sure why. I'm off to veg for a while. Smile

Joined: 02/23/02
Posts: 184

So we're dog sitting and house sitting at my IL's, while they're up to the cabin with my kids. Frankly I am so sick of my husband I could puke. I'm pissed at how uncared for our dogs are, the IL's took them until our house is built. My dog is so matted the groomers refused her at our appointment today because she would take too long and they were too busy. :evil: Yes I am mad. When I made the appointment I said she was in very bad shape and would take a while. I'm really not happy with them.

I can't really even enter anything into my journal because my husband is hovering around me all the time and I'm getting no space. I'm not in a good mood at all and I hate not having any space. He's so clingy it's sickening. God he's right behind me now.

Good he finally left. I'm just so annoyed with him. I'm tired of him hitting on me all the time. Get a fucking job! I've never had to deal with layoff crap. My dad worked for the same company since I was 4. He quit the other one because he was travelling all the time and we were moving so he wanted to stabilize his family. Now I have a husband who has been laid off twice. He quit his nice stable job to work for a .com company laid off right after we closed on our last house, and now here we are dealing with another layoff.

I have no fingernails because they break off when I'm stressed. I have no sex drive because I'm STRESSED! I don't want to have sex with a man who can't keep a job. I don't want to have to worry about getting pregnant. It doesn't help that we haven't gotten one unemployment check yet. :mad: What the hell? I told him to call them. Am I even married to man?

DS needs a new prescription for his glasses, good timing. I'm going to weigh 300 lbs. if this stress isn't under control soon. I hate living like a pauper. He better start making a good living soon or I will be divorced again. Who the fuck needs a man if he's not helping support the family or anything. I don't need to be chases around the house all day every day. I can get that anywhere. OMG I'm just angry right now. I can't believe my poor dog has to look like hell still. I have found in life I can't count on anyone but me. I HATE IT! I'm always running things because when I don't all hell breaks loose.

I really really really really really really hate my life.