Well I'm starting over. I saved the other journal, not in a nice manner, just to have it if I wanted it. Posted pictures are gone, but **** happens, right?
Yes I'm back. I desperately need a journal to release the thoughts that plague my mind so I write here. Oh btw I know I suck at spelling, but I do the best I can. I made the mistake of posting my thoughts elsewhere. Someone e-mailed me so they could track my address (I know who) and sent the cops to my house. I do realize this is a public journal, but hope this doesn't happen here. I found a site that offers private journals but I've had nothing but problems getting back into it. So that's another reason I'm back here. When I'm stressed I need to just get it out of my head and be done with it.
Onto my weekend of highs and lows.
It's been something. I was feeling overwhelmed on Friday/Saturday. The journal thing was just one more thing to have happen. Well I was stressed, I was having a messed up head day and posted. Someone thought I was going to kill myself, and sent cops to my house. 2 officers showed up in two different cars. Um, scary. We were returning from an outing and I thought DS had vandalized something because he had run off again earlier in the day and was gone for over 4 hours. No it was me they wanted to speak to. God that's a topper to an emotional day. I even went for a family walk that day hoping to clear my head. On the upside I got some info for free services. DH is now all paranoid and watching me like a hawk which suck. I don't want him to look at me like I'm losing my mind, would you want that? It's disheartening. On the upside he's being very sweet, just like when we were dating. I just wish it wasn't because he thought I had suicide plans, which I don't I'm just hothead.
I do plan to call and see if I can some anti-depressants because I'm tired of feeling psychotic but there are better ways to get info to a person. I wonder what the neighbors think of me standing outside speaking with 2 cops. I'm sure they think we're crazy as is with DS running off every other day, but this I didn't need. At least they didn't get the straight jacket out. I would have lost it if they really wanted to take me away. They would have if DH didn't say I was acting like my usual self.
We went picnicing with friends today. It was fun, although I'm crabby because AF is here and I'm crampy and yucky feeling. We were out all afternoon. DS had a fabulous park to play at and DD got to play with another baby. I think I got a little sun burned. Not bad but I'm seeing red. DD loves the trees as they sway in the wind. It's so cute to see her entrawled with them.
I may post later, but that's the highlights. Being outdoors is so nice. We went for several walks and just really enjoyed the beautiful weather. Still hate being fat but I'm trying, sort of.
So here I am as evening looms all the sadness again ensues. I'm reading posts of people planting flowers, or buying new cars, and just feeling envious I suppose is the word. I hate how I'm feeling.
My son always eats a lot. Double portions all the time. He acts likes he's never being fed at each meal, it's been like that since his birth. My mom said it was the strangest thing she'd ever seen, and now that DD is born I see that his behavior even as an infant was unusual.
At the picnic I brought lunch food, and dessert but he had to have some of their food too. Oh they brought extra and were very generous but I hate feeling like a begger. I hate that he hovers around until their food is done just so he can eat some. It really bothers me.
I used to be the generous one, but now I have to watch everything and I hate it. I hate feeling the way I feel. I felt like this during my divorce only then I was working but I was so poor, and it was so hard. My dad is generous to a fault. He picked up foreigners at an airport once and let them stay the night in our house, I was about DS's age then. My mom freaked but they didn't steal anything and left early in the morning. My dad is always picking up hitch hikers, and doing good deeds basically. We worry he'll get into trouble but he's the see in good everyone type of person. My mom done it a few times too, but has stopped for the most part.
We walked through the house today. It's beautiful. I love it. They're even doing things that we didn't expect, adding things it seems. Codes could have changed or else they made a mistake because most request it but we didn't, kind of thing. Anyway it's gorgeous and progressing so fast. There is still a lot to do on it. I pray DH gets a job lined up in time. It's such a great neighborhood, lots of kids around. My dream.
My family knows now. I spoke briefly with my mom tonight. She asked if it was true about DH's layoff. I didn't want to talk about it so I said yes and we don't know what will happen, then ended the call. I didn't need to hear her negative things.
I don't know how to not worry about things that haven't happened when they possibly could. If I don't worry about those I can't plan around them but when I do I feel overwhelmed. I'll be calling the place Monday. I hope they can get me a prescription before I have to go see my parents. They always bring out all my emotions. I feel sadness, peacefulness, happiness, etc. Mainly because I had such a secure childhood I feel secure with them and then it ends and the harsh world in which I live returns when I leave. That's why I don't visit them often. It's too emotionally painful for me. They live in such a nice home. Even scaled down for retirement it's nice. They have problems like they get sued here and there, and my dad's health isn't the best mainly because of so much stress in his life but I always feel safe and secure around them. All the pain goes away for a while, so when I leave it returns it's like a blast. With them I can pretend.
I realized today that the minor liver damage that has been detected in blood tests I have is from my tylenol overdose. I puked most of it out, and at the hospital they gave me stuff to drink to puke the rest out but there is residual damage. They always ask me if I'd had any alcohol recently when they get the results but I don't drink and didn't figure it out until today. Tylenol. It's the only drug I had in the apartment which is why I took it. I really wanted to take a sleeping pill but didn't have any on hand. That was so dumb.
It's a good thing I stopped breastfeeding then. I was taking a tylenol before every feeding because the pain was too intense for me. I got a mental flash that it was not good to breastfeed if I had to take pain pills to get through it so I stopped. I have no guilt over it but I did with DS. My daugther is loved and cared for and that is what matters.
So as I type and get teary DH worries about me now and keeps asking if I'm okay. This is my release. I need this.
My new favorite song is on. "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell."... That and Bon Jovi's "It's my life." His song is invigorating.
I know my posts are long. Frankly if I bore people that's fine, this is really for me to work through whatever demons are within. I know I have a lot of deep seeded pain that I have yet to work through. I'm trying to but it's not easy and I wish it were. They say you have to feel it then release it. The problem is I numb myself when things get to hard so I feel no pain and it just builds. I want to release it, sometimes finding it is hard.
Do you know the chiropractor has pointed out every ache in my body? Charles backhanded me and I fell to the ground. My face is tight to this day because of it. I've had massages and facials yet that tightness is still there. Why? I have no idea. Permanent injury I guess, just like the liver thing.
I really wanted to drink today. I didn't. Alcoholism runs in my family. I know that if I'm feeling like I do and turn to alcohol I'm in big trouble. You see I'm a happy drunk and people love to be around me when I'm drunk. Friends used to encourage my drinking because I was so much fun, until the come down anyway. My mom told me when I was a teen and came home drunk that women can become alcoholics faster then men so I should never drink. I still did but I had that information so I thought about it differently. I needed to remain in control of the alcohol, if I ever felt it was becoming too much a part of my life I'd quit. And so far that has worked for me. I like being drunk but I don't do it, especially because I have an example to set for my children.
I'll be going to bed soon, but I still really want a drink. Funny this is unusual for me. I need to get this walking thing going full force. That will be my vice, in addition to writing.
People who know me think of me as a goodie goodie. I don't ever feel like a goodie goodie and I don't understand why they think of me as one. I guess I never will understand that one and it's not like I'm going to argue about it.
It's supposed to be warm today, 80's they say. Bianca is fussy, maybe teething we don't know. She looks really cute in her little outfit though. My parents bought it for her. It's a red and white dress with bloomers. Totally adorable. I'll have to take a picture of her today.
DH woke me up this morning and I'm not happy. I wanted to sleep in. DS was awful this morning. He always acts worse when he doesn't have my full attention. I hate it. I can't sleep in, go out, anything without his wrath basically. I hate that my life is so controlled by his behavior. My parents told me children join you're life they shouldn't control it. Well it's a nice theory. I don't know if there is help for him but I'm not able to deal with him anymore. You expect children to need you more as infants and toddlers. As they grow I expected that his need would lessen or change for the better and it would be more like us enjoying each others company. He's too attached, too demanding, too everything and I don't enjoy spending time with him because of it.
I cannot have a conversation with anyone. He has to be central focus. If I'm talking with the baby or my husband, he's interrupting despite being told to wait his turn. If we're playing a game he argues if he does something wrong and is corrected. He didn't do it, you see he did but he denies everything. When he eats it's discusting. He shovels food into his mouth as though he's starving. He's too much commotion all the time when he's around. Constant chaos is not fun and I don't enjoy being around constant chaos. Yes with him it's constant. That's why I laughed when he was kicked out of the play. They can just kick him out of the activity. I cannot. I have to live with this chaos. I try ways to keep to him busy and productive but it's very draining.
So take Mackenzie, then add my Dad's stuff, and now DH's layoff onto my already stressfilled life. How does a person cope with so much? Mackenzie is a full plate, he really is. My Dad is one of the most important people in my life and what's happening with him is crushing, but I can't grieve because DS needs everything I can give and more. On top of this I now have to worry that we'll lose our house, the one good thing that was going in my life, the one thing I was looking forward to in my life. Yes I find joy in anything I can because I need to in order to survive.
I've done all I can to help DS, this testing is my last hope for him. They need to be able to help him because I can't. It took me 7 years to have another child for a reason. I thought all children demanded so much from their parents. I now they don't. Bianca is simple compared to DS even as an infant she isn't as needy. I know I won't be able to keep in him my life for much longer if there isn't a change. If meds are given we will take them. I don't want him to fail in life, but I want to be able to live. He may grow up to hate me but really I expect it. I hated my mother, either get over it or carry it with you until death. I've done all I could and more for him. It's now up to the pros because I have nothing left for him. Nothing for him because it's killing me.
So the bank knows DH is unemployed. I don't know what will happen, they will get back to us. I'm nervous.
I love my daughter so much.
I'm feeling sick. Cramps, and just yuck, stress is helping (sarcasim). I am glad AF arrived, it'll be a long cycle though.
DH calls for his unemployment check tomorrow. I guess you have to call after a certain time frame before they'll send it. Glad he filed right away.
Today I go to the free clinic with DD. She needs her 9 month shot, and I hope I can find it okay. They gave me directions but I lost them. That's at 3 p.m. so I'll leave at 2:30 p.m. Thank God she's healthy (knock on wood).
Haven't heard back from the banker. If we don't hear tomorrow we'll call. I'm not sure how I feel right now. Part of me thinks whatever happens happens. If we get the house (DH is positive we will) we'll figure things out. If we don't get it we'll be sad but it could also be seen as a new start. Trying to find the good in this whole crappy thing.
DD is playing peek a boo with me. She is soooooo cute! Her shots went well. No height weight measurements but we'll survive. I'll probably do a rough check on my own. Not the same but it's something. The people there were very nice, I'm glad.
A bit of good news.
The house people called and said they've had people get laid off before and they'll still progress as planned. Just let them know either way at least month before scheduled closing, sooner if we find something of course. At least I know they know and I can relax a little. She says we'll go from there if nothing comes up but of course we're all hoping something does. I'm glad they're friendly about it. I thought they'd just turn around and sell it (prices have gone up). So I'm relieved, for now.
Here's a few photos of the outfit I think is so cute. I tried all day but only these came out the best. My camera sucks, but it's better than nothing.
Did you call me mama?
Walking with daddy.
I was thinking about how we downsized our live so we could save money to put towards the house. Now we actually can manage on unemployment and childsupport if needed, hopefully not for long but seriously we could. Yes I'm feeling better and no I didn't call the mental health line. I only get that way before AF arrives. So I'm hormonally imbalanced, yeah for me. (kidding about the enthusiasm)
I'm still debating about the realitor thing. I feel like if I'm going to do it now would be the time it's just a lot of up front cash. It's not all at once or anything so it's probably doable. I'm still thinking. I'll go tomorrow to see if the library has the book so I can read it this week and see if it keeps my interest. If I decide to I'll sign up after my visit with my parents. I just feel like I shouldn't rush into it even though I want to. But I'll do what I think is best for us all in the long run and I think me having some kind of income is best for us even if it's sporatic.
Well DH is sleepy so we're heading to bed. Why do I get in the mood during that time? I'm refusing to cave to it because I don't want the mess or the off again on again cycle, but man he smells good today. I'm wacked. Well off to bed.
And I do wonder who all reads this garbage, but if you hate me keep it to yourself because I'm very sensative.
If you notice I'm always grumpy in the morning. In essance I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Anyway I'm annoyed by DS again. He's sick. He always gets sick before we go visit my parents who have weakened immune systems as is. I'm so upset with him. He was out playing in water God knows where and now he's sick. He came home 2 hours late and was soaked. I don't know what to do with him. My husband says to just keep him outside away from everyone when we get there. I don't want to cancel my visit because he's sick. But they can't have a sick kid around them either. This kid is nothing but problems day after day.
DD has no insurance coverage right now, so I cannot allow him to get to close to her either. Last time he got her sick she was sick for over a month. I know kids and illness go together but he gets sick right before we got to see my parents every time. Otherwise he's healthy. I don't get it and I'm tired of it. It's not bad sick it's a cold and a cold can turn to pnemonia in an adult who has other diseases their body is fighting. He just frustrates me with all this crap.
So DH says he's worse behavior wise than the girl they had adopted when he was a kid. That girl as I had said before was turned over to the state last known residence a mental institution. Now I hope these behaviorists can figure out something because really I'm just tired. We found more stuff that he's not supposed to have in his room. This stealing thing is really getting out of hand. Yes as a child I stole something once. I got in trouble with my parents and never did it again. This child has been in trouble with us, with the school, and he still does it!
Some of his behaviors may be normal but when you're dealing with so many abnormal things it's all just too much.
For me I can handle him and one other major thing. Right now I have several things going on and he is just too much and really I've backed off and DH is now dealing with him mostly. I just can't. I'm still around for dinner time, bedtime story, and seeing him off to school. But right now I've scaled back. His running off stuff, yes I still lecture him. I still do a lot of things but I do a lot less. I'm sure the school notices. I wonder what that behavior clinic can or will do? At least the letter they sent indicated need for professional intervention. I hope there's a fix for him. Behavioral problems are not fun. Sometimes he acts like a teenager and other times he acts like a 3 year old. I just want him to act like a 7 year old. My mom says this is supposed to be the glide through age, easy until they become teens. She's usually right, I'd hate for this to be his easy age though. If so we are really in trouble.
Mackenzie 8 yrs.
Bianca 1 yr.
I deleted the post about DS running off. DS was just talking to mail carrier. He was there just out of sight. Thankfully. He actually listened for once.