So it's morning. DS did return last night, no we don't know where he went because he wouldn't answer our questions so he went straight to bed. It was 8 p.m. again. My parents gave him a watch, a nice one. He's been trying to break it since he got it. He uses the watch thing as an excuse for not returning on time.
We had another DS rant this morning. We simply asked to see his notebook from school. Instead of handing it over he went ballistic and said you already saw it. I needed it to write a note to the teacher about missing school yesterday, which I told him. He stompped off, slammed his bedroom door, and pounded the door (it already has holes in it). Did I mention we've lived here since January. I'm just tired of him always acting insane. Really I want him to straighten up or get out. I don't need this crap every day. I can't take it and it's badly affecting DD. She gets all shaky when he starts going insane, I wish he'd just stop. I have more forms to fill out. I loved hiding from it for a few days. I wish I could stay with my parents forever. He still acts up but it's just different there.
So DS decided not to come straight home from the bus. He showed up a half hour later. I was sick to my stomach for a while. I just hate that nothing gets through to him yet I still get upset. I wish I could break away somehow but of course he's only 7 and I really can't do that.
Now all he's doing is whining about various homework problems. I just want to slap him, which I wouldn't but I think about it. I hate listening to that whiny voice. He's so difficult.
I'm truely sick of being fat yet I still eat candy and pizza. I wish we had money so I could join Jenny Craig. I know I could diet on my own but it's not working for me right now, I've tried but only last about a week. It's too much to figure out all the time. Yes I'm being lazy about it. I've done weight watchers, it never works for me. I cheat around it all the time. I need the strict plan (at least I think I do at this moment).
So DH is complaining that we aren't having sex enough. I don't know it's just not that exciting for me. I'm really a thrill seeker. I have the most fun pre-marriage. I don't know why but it's like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to so it's more fun then. Now we're married and well we're married. I can have sex with him whenever and no one cares if we have sex. Where is the fun? I'll have to figure out how to spice things up, but I really have no desire these days. It's just boring. Maybe I'm just in a funk. I've started pretending he was someone else just to spice it up, but then talks and it ruins it. Well I'll have to come up with something.
Gawd my body needs to change. I can't live as the person I want to be. It really sucks. I hate it.
The thoughts I haven't shared:
I married a boring guy. My brother wonders what the heck I see him. LOL If he only knew. Really I think it sucks to be married. I don't know how long this will last. I just don't see myself being married my whole life. Who knows though, things happen we don't plan on. He's a descent guy, good father, ect. etc. I just need more in my life. I've got issues. The psychic reader asked if we were still together. Wonder why? Am I supposed to be with someone else? Not sure how good she is. Last reading she said I would meet the love of my life that year, I'm married I said. She responded but still said I would met him. I will admit I met a guy and had an instant connection, but he was also married and I'm not the cheating type. Maybe we'll meet up again someday. I don't know what it was about him but I've never felt that before. He told me how to reach him but I haven't. I just couldn't go there, even though I totally wanted to. We met in a night class we were taking. We parked in the same parking lot, walked together, parked within a few cars of each other. It was the day after 9/11 so maybe that had something to do with it. We locked eyes and I got nervous said bye or something and got into my car. It was an ackward moment, like following a first date. I had to leave. We sat near each other in class not on purpose (just happened to be the seats left most days). He told me where he worked and oddly I don't remember his name. It's for the best I'm sure. DH is really a good guy. I just have days I feel odd that I'm married.
Well baby is awake.
I wanted to take family style portraits of my parents with the kids but they didn't comply. So I took misc. photos (crappy ones basically) but I wish they would have just allowed me those few moments. I see so many wonderful family portraits and my family never took those, and still don't. I have one family photo from when I was 2, before my brother was born. Then one other one, but I'm holding this doll that's the size of my entire body so it's not the ideal family photo. I don't know it just bothered me.
DH has a lead on a good job. I hope he gets an interview and it works out. It's for a healthcare company. I'll probably be lonely when he's gone though. It's strange how quickly you get into a new way of life and the days or weekends don't matter. Although my schedule is completely off since he's been here. I really enjoy watching him and Bianca together.
The siding is complete on the house. It's beautiful! The consultant called to give us an update on the progress, and I suspect to check on the job status. It's all drywalled and painted. Cabinets and trim are going in soon. It's just so exciting.
I'm thinking about the realitor thing still. I think I'll just take the classes and see how it goes. I'm not all that enthusiastic about returning to work but the fact is I think I need it. I love DD, and love having time to get things done, but I feel like I've gotten lazier. I really think I need to be out of the house and productive in society. I need to feel like I contribute and housework just doesn't do it for me.
My husband is always telling me how lucky I am to have him. So today I responded with you're lucky to have me. He gave a funny look. He's a nice enough guy but I don't love him. Frankly I never have and I don't think he really does although he says it all the time. But he's descent so there is no real reason to leave. He comes home, doesn't drink, helps out around the house, plays with the baby, changes diapers, etc. etc. etc. I tried to break up with him, but again I didn't have a good reason to just that I don't have that in-love feeling for him. I care about him. I'm just not in-love or ever have been with him. That is one of my deep dark secrets. It's not fun to lie to someone but I do because I care about his feelings. When I met that guy and had that overwhelming feeling I knew what I was missing but he was unavailable as well so it wasn't meant to be I thought. I thought I could eventually grow to love my husband, so I married him thinking it would be fine. I do think we are good together. I'm happy enough.
I don't think my parents are in-love either. They care about each other, but that la la feeling didn't bring them together either. I know because my mom doesn't talk about how in love with him she was, she talks about how nice of a guy he was and how he was family oriented and she wanted to have children. Nope not everyone is lucky enough to marry for love. I wasn't in love with my ex, oh I though he was hot but I didn't like him as a person. And I had no intention of marrying him.
I suppose they have arranged marriages so love isn't always necessary but it would be nice (but what do I know).
I have no idea why I thought about that guy today. Must have read someones journal that brought back memories. It was a great moment and it warms my heart just thinking about it. Funny I barely remember how he looked, just that feeling. I honestly couldn't look him in the eye after that because I felt like a giddy teenager. Everytime we made eye contact it was so cool and freaky all at the same time. I look people in the eye all the time and I've never had a connection like that with a stranger. Part of me wishes I would see him again just to see if it was the moment or something more. I doubt I'll ever see him again. I honestly don't think I really want to. Too intense.
Oh btw I'm a flirt so it really could have been just an ackward moment that I'm dragging out.
So it's morning. I'm not sure what we'll do today. DH said he wanted us to go for a walk. I usually have to fight him to go for a walk with me so I just haven't done it, now he's initiating. Hmmm, must be tired of my complaints about weight. I wish being overweight was just a bad dream and I'd wake up normal sized.
Okay so I have nothing to say right now. I'm sure something will bring me here later.
So again more of DS's ****. DH said he needed to see his backpack, so DS slams the doors and leaves. He left his backpack, no glasses, nothing. He better be going to the busstop. None of us are dressed so we can't chase after him. Not that I would anyway I'm just sick to death of his outbursts over nothing. He was sneaking stuff to school that he wasn't supposed to, DH knew something was up when he snuck his backpack into his room. It's not allowed out of sight because he steals and sneaks things he's not supposed to. Too bad there's no return policy on kids.
Can't wait for the school to call today. Hopefully we're gone. I'm thinking of going to look at plants to obtain landscape ideas. We need to come up with a landscape plan. I need to keep these things on track assuming the house stuff goes through as planned. I'm sure it will. DH has some good leads now.
DS came back. He better catch that bus or he's walking. He just upsets me way too much.
Okay so today sucks. DS has been a brat all day. He got a note from the teacher. He ran off during homework time. We tracked him down. Natural consequence you miss dinner time you don't eat. We only went to get him because we wanted to go see the interior of the house and couldn't very well leave with him not in tow.
The house looks great. The walls are done, the ceiling is done, etc. It's beautiful.
This afternoon DH and I went for a nice long walk. We return home. I had some water and a while later a snack. Ever since I've had irregular, sharp, shooting pains on my left side. I cannot figure out why, my guess it's a muscle or something but OMG I'm a bit concerned about what it is. Hopefully it goes away, I think it's lessening so maybe it was just an adverse reaction or something.
Oh DS is now screaming about how he wants to eat. Well get home for dinner. What the neighbors must think. Piercing screams, kicking the wall, just a joy.
I wish I knew how to keep DS's behavior from upsetting me to my core. When I'm stressed I eat. Bad yes I know but it's true. When my Dad had triple by-pass surgery, I was 13 I gained about 50 lbs., which I later lost with major effort. Since DS's birth I have gained 100 lbs. I have been under constant stress. I'm now chewing gum to keep myself from eating anything more. If I was bulemic I would have puked. I've never been able to do that but some days I wish I could just puke it all up.
Man I'm seriously going crazy here. Then I feel totally guity for having these feelings about my child, but I can't live like this. He's too much all the time. It's killing me, and that is no joke. I just want to cry right now, not nice crying either just break down overload cry. I do not know what to do for him. I can't help him. I try to talk to him and runs away, covers his ears, etc. I'm dying all over again and I don't know how to stop it.
Little Bianca just looks at me with her sparkling life filled eyes and that just melts my heart. I love her so much and don't want her to see me like this but I'm dying. It's too much for me. I pray help come for him soon. Each day gets worse and worse. He broke the storm door today, and I didn't even care. It's normal, he breaks things. I have nothing descent because of his destruction. On purpose by accident doesn't matter anymore.
Bianca is teething. She's even easy as a teether. She screamed once and we got her then realized it was teething pain. She's sleeping now. She even opened her mouth to put the oragel on, she forgot to take the teething toy out (it was so cute) we moved it though. She's just so peaceful, it's really nice.
I was terrified to have her. I was afraid she'd be like DS. I thought all kids were like him and I was just ****ty parent who couldn't handle a kid. Yes I hear the teachers say he was problematic. I figured it was my parenting that made him that way. Now I hear it's not parenting. I just hope there is help for him. I really hope there is. He's not all bad, no one is, he's just so hard to handle for me most of the time. God I need peace in my life. I need to heal and be me again.
I tell DD she's so wonderful if all babies were like her people would have lots of babies. She smiles. It's totally true. With her I was so lucky.
You know after that walk this afternoon I felt my blood flowing through my veins. It was really cool. I felt the pulsating of the blood throughout my body. I hope we walk again tomorrow. It was so beautiful outside. DD loves it too. My mom says to lose weight walk walk walk. I hope she's right. It's all I can do right now. I miss my old self. I miss being beautiful. I miss being seen as me and not a fat woman. That's all I really want, to be me again.
So I took an allergy pill and am a lump on a log today. On the upside I can breathe.
My God it's 1:30 p.m. already. We haven't gone for our walk yet. I'll have to say something, man I feel so worn out.
Mackenzie 8 yrs.
Bianca 1 yr.
Well we haven't gone a walk, I guess we'll do it tonight. I'm just feeling lazy. The phone has been ringing all day. My friend found a house they like but it's further out than they want to live so she's not sure. It's a really cute house (from the internet photos) with a pond view, but they'll do what they do.
DH has an interview tomorrow!!!!! I'm so happy!!! They both used to work for the same company!!! Maybe it's a sign.
I'm just really pissy now. I wasted time watching Oprah. She had a show about people who lost significate amount of weight. I thought it would motivate me. It didn't. One gave up all sweets and pop stuff like that, another went to a nutritionist, etc. etc.
Anyway DH had the nerve to look at me with the why don't you give up pop and sweets look. He started to speak when I responded with why don't you just give it all up? He shut up. All he drinks is pop, all he eats is junk and he has the nerve to give me a look?
My Mom told me she could never have married a man who can junk and never have to worry about gaining weight. She says she'd rather he gained weight right along with her for eating crap. He just thinks it's oh so easy when he himself can't go a day without a can of pop. I have pop maybe once a week and that's only because it's in the house. If it wasn't I'd drink it almost never. I order water usually we we're at a restaurant or tea. Very rarely pop.
I watched him eat all the foods I couldn't eat during my pregnancy. He didn't think a thing about it. I'm just so mad at him right now. That look was just out of line.
The hardest part is if I cook healthy he doesn't want to eat it and complains. Do I really need this? Then have DS, who just pisses me off telling me to just jog. As if he's some kind of expert on weight loss. The kid is skinny because I marry skinny men. I do that because I don't want my kids to go through what I have to go through in life.
I have a mother who blames my excess weight on the fact I finished my cheeseburger as a kid. When I stopped eating just the half she knew it I was eating too much and would get fat. I know why I got fat, it just isn't as easy to get back to normal and these people need to shut the **** up! In my mom's eyes it's my dad's fault for taking me to Mc'Donalds and letting me finish my entire cheeseburger. Oh please. I'm fat now because I gained weight on purpose. I hated my husband and wanted him to leave me. He hated fat people and all I had to do was start eating the junk food I cut out of my diet. It was easy. Damn problem was he didn't leave and I got fat.
I just hate my life and wish it would end.
DS ran off again. I don't want to cook for anyone.
I get so tired of hearing how pretty I used to be and asked what happened. I mean what is wrong with people? The best was my cousins wedding. "I recognized your face." He said as I walked through the greet line. Why doesn't my Grandpa just show up now? He liked to tell me how fat I was getting. I'm sure he thinks I need that favor again. Oh that's why I have kids. They can tell me because I don't pick up on the hints society gives. OMG I hate my damn life. It's easy to tell a person to not eat certain foods, are those people eating those foods? Then who the **** are they to talk? Oh and my husband says he hasn't seen me on the treadmill lately. I've never seen him use the treadmill. Oh he's thin so he doesn't have to. I just can't take it. Being fat sucks. It's the worst thing in life to be. People treat you like ****.