So about me...I am in college right now. Done in October. I just started dating one of my best friends, Mike, on July 11, 2006. Before that we had been friends...it is coming up on a year now actually...Well..somehow we ended up getting together...He has always liked me but I only wanted to be friends with him. Turned out different lol. My best friend has now decided to basically leave me because of my choice to be with him. It is upsetting but I guess thats how it goes. Hopefully things will work out as she has been my best friend for 12 years. Just when I thought I would never find anyone, I found him. We had sex for the first time on July 6...I was very uncomfortable for a couple days afterwards but then it wasnt so bad...I got my period the day after though so we werent intimate for that period of time...well...After I got off my period...a couple days after...we had sex again and we use the pull and pray method because well he doesnt believe in condoms and I just dont take birth control or anything. It works but anyway we had sex and I accidentally got up in the pitch black, moved forward a bit, and sat right in it. I jumped up right away but still an ample amount could have gone in. This is some of the drama in my life right now but its not drama to me, just everyone else. Its hard to explain...I am just wondering now if I got pregnant. It would be a really bad thing right now because we are all poor as can be in the apartment...I am due to get my period on the 7th and I hope it comes...I wouldnt mind having a baby at all right now and neither would he but money is the issue. We are planning on getting married in may of 2007 hopefully. I hope everything works out right now but we both have horrible luck so it probably wont...lol I just needed to vent so I decided to make my very own journal. Ahh...I feel better.
So today is working out a little bit better then yesterday. I was up a lot during the night with some pretty bad stomach cramps but I think it was from something my roommate made us for dinner...haha. We are going to the mall today to find a dress for James' wedding on September 9. It should be fun. It is a 7 kegger with 2 margarita machines...the family can drink!! I am kind of looking forward to it and kind of not. Ashley talked to me today which is somewhat of an improvement you could say.
I went to the doctor to get those stomach cramps checked out and I was mainly complaining of RUQ Pain...(Right Upper Quadrant) They think it might be my gallbladder and I might have to have it removed. I went to the doctor on Tuesday then had an ultrasound on Wednesday...The ultrasound came back normal but I have to go next Wednesday for a HIDA scan...Its a two hour test I was supposed to have it yesterday but they forgot to schedule me...I was so mad...I sat for 50 minutes waiting to go back and then they finally told me they were sorry they forgot to schedule me and they are completely booked until next Wednesday at 6 a.m. UGH. I drove all the way to that town for that purpose and then could not do it. SO now I have to wake up at 4 am and get down there by 5:30 am stay for two hours and then somehow make it to school again by 9 am...Hopefully it works out!! What else...Mike and I have "Stayed and played" (lol) a couple of times this month. Its not really a good thing I guess until we are fully ready but hey whatever happens happens..It is our official one month anniversary today! I am so happy...He also had great news from his PO yesterday and I am very excited for him to officially get to move in with me! As for everything else...its going well.
I am really just looking for a place to vent right now. I feel so many emotions...there is so much crap going on in my life right now its ridiculous. I mean, right now I am six days late with my period...but I keep getting BFNs...I am trying my best to wait to test but its so hard especially when I keep seeing everyone else get BFPs...I sound like such a baby but I dont know what else to do...I want a baby really bad and so does Mike and I know we would be great parents but then when I stop to think about it...I remember that we are both out of work again and just looking for jobs right now. Its freakin ridiculous...I cant help but think maybe it was a mistake TTC this last month. When we started we were set...but now...I dont know. I brought up the idea that maybe we could wait until January to TTC...we should have steady money by then and it gives us time to get some insurance again and all that stuff...I just want to be prepared and I want my baby to be well provided for as Im sure anyone can understand. Right now...Mike and I have nothing...We barely afford food, actually scratch that we couldnt even afford to eat for like 2-3 days last week...Rent is hard right now, electric, then gas in the car because I have to drive Mike to Middlebury/Goshen for his classes and probation and all that...thats twice sometimes three times a week and its just too much but his probation officer wont transfer the sh*t to Ft. Wayne!! UGH!!! We are doing the best we can with our lives right now and I just dont know what else to do.
My parents went through a stage where they absolutely did not like Mike...they were convinced he is not good enough for me. Mike is a great person, a wonderful partner and he would do anything for me...Treats me like a queen so I dont know why they would even have a problem...I finally broke down crying and told my mom if she knew some of the real jerks I was with before Mike that shoved me around and treated me like crap, she would understand why I love him so much. Even when we were just friends he was so protective of me. He would have dealt with anyone who tried to hurt me. I am glad they are finally starting to accept him now though and that makes me quite a bit happier but then I think well...what if I turned around and told them I am pregnant...especially right now with no insurance, no money, no job...they would despise both of us and I dont want that...Then on the other hand when I think about it I dont think they will ever fully accept Mike and I dont think they will ever, ever like the fact that I had a baby with him. I will not leave Mike just because they do not prefer him because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Another thing...My best friend has been really starting some bullcrap with me lately. ALL she wants to do is FIGHT! She is constantly trying to bring me down with her...I cant take it...Like I said she has been my friend for like 10-12 yrs...I cant just walk away but I cant take the stress anymore either. Everytime we get back to being friends I feel like I am the only one who worked toward it...I am the one doing everything I can to get over there to see her as much as I can. I cant help it I dont live with her anymore...Its hard to get even enough gas to get across the town of Ft. Wayne! She doesnt understand this...We got in a big fight over money issues and she just cant grasp it...Mommy and daddy pay for her place because its still in her tuition...she has no electric bill, mommy and daddy buy her food! She doesnt drive so she doesnt have to spend gas money...and then she tried to compare her money hardships to mine by saying she has it hard because she had to pay for concert tickets, a cable bill, and something else that was very unnecessary! Not to mention, she HATES Mike for no good reason...she has always been jealous when I got a new friend/boyfriend. She has driven so many people out of my life but I cant stop her because she is just so crazy when she gets mad. I want to be her friend SO bad but then I know she is talking crap about me behind my back! She has turned one of my best friends (well used to be) against me now...This girl wont even LOOK my way now because Ashley took her chance and told her I lied about a bunch of sh*t which pissed the other girl off. Ashley refuses to come around me because of Mike which is STUPID. And now Holly, one of our mutual friends, has been coming around a lot. I do enjoy her company very much and she and Mike get along great...I never once said I was replacing Ashley but Ashley accuses me of this. Its stupid too...She makes me feel bad for having a good time when I need to! UGH!! This is so long but its just I have this all and so much more bottled up right now...I feel like exploding but I feel a little better now after typing this all out. I am such an emotional wreck lately...I blow up at Mike for the smallest things then when I turn around and see how upset he gets with himself because he thinks I am disappointed, it kills me and my heart tears in two and I want to cry because he treats me so good and I know I am not half the partner he is to me... I want to be good to and for him...But I am so torn between my friends and him, between my family and him...I am such a baby right now...ugh! I hope to god things get better soon because I dont know how much longer I can do this! Anyway, if you made it this far...thanks for reading...I feel a bit better now.