I'm not even sure where I should start. I'm so one of those people that starts journals and diaries and never keep up with them, this one I can't lose or put in a drawer.
I live in post Katrina New Orleans, pretty much, I live in slidell, which is 10 miles east of new orleans, our town is on the lake that seperates us from the city. I have two babies, Trey who will be 2 in Dec and Gracie who is almost 8 months old. Yes, I have my hands full. But I'm getting to a point now (or my Cymbalta is working) that I really enjoy my life most days. The kids are at the ages that we have a good routine and I have alot of downtime to scrapbook read or do whatever. I have chronic pain that sometimes gets to me but I think that I am medicated pretty well.
Its funny, how close I have become to so many women on this site, yet I push my irl friends away, and I don't know why. I've been so preoccupied with getting married then having children that I just left them in the dust years ago. And I can be a real ***, I just don't want to do anything that I don't want do. My friend V planned my baby shower and I didn't even have the decency in me to go to hers. I had two babies and was overwhelmed, and I didn't wanna. Not to say that I didn't feel bad about it, because I do. V's sister is having a birthday party for her 3 year old today and I don't want my kids over there, too many people, its raining, I hate making nice with people that I don't know just for the sake of being a good "Mommy". I will not torture myself for my kids, especially when they are still so little. Trey starts shaking when we walk in Chuck E Cheese because he is afraid....I know, they are really sheltered, we'll see how they turn out.
Marriage is funny, isn't it? It is so not like what you think its going to be, and when you start throwing fuzzy headed wrinkly cruveballs in the mix...whoa, watch out. Its not easy, especailly since James is almost singlehandedly rewiring New Orleans for phone and high speed internet, which of course, the residents really need...NOT And I'm bitter, I don't see how military wives do it, I guess they know what they are getting into when they marry, I, on the other hand, did not. How do you keep things together when you both change so much that you can barely recognize each other? Not really bad changes, just growing up mostly, learning when the "hemmorhaging money" lecture is coming and making myself scarce. And James just doesn't understand that my nightly shower is my refuge, it is so quiet and soothing and I get to make myself smell like something other than baby puke. I don't want anyone to stand in there and talk to me and I sure as hell don't want anyone to sit on the toliet smelling up the joint with something other than "Bath and Body Works Sweetpea". Doesn't it just scream TOOL to you? Thing is, he doesn't even know, and thats one of the reasons I love him, he is very childlike.
Not that I think that divorce is wrong, because I know that sometimes it the best and sometimes only option, I just don't see how you do it. Maybe things have just never gotten that bad for me. I could never leave him. I just, he is my other half. I would lost without him. Gaw, and he puts up with so much of my ****...its amazing. I would never take him from our kids, either, I don't know who it would hurt worse...I don't think that I could do it alone, and I would never want to. I complain about James alot, I do. I think my problem is, is that I sometimes still try to change him. I mean, I know as well as everyone that you can't change a man, but I sometimes give it a shot when it comes to the important stuff. Our biggest issue from day one is that he cannot pick up the phone and let me know what his plans are (plans, James says, what are plans??) or tell me that he is running late. I HATE HATE HATE that. I watch way too much CSI and American justice, and I imagine him on the side of the road or kidnapped by a pshcho man killer seeking skinny, dark haired, mouthy white boys that she keeps as sex slaves...hehehhheee...That made me giggle. How would he like being a sex slave...not so fun, is it...
MMM, I was thinking about pregnancy.org and all the people I have met and learned from. I want to thank some of them, because I don't do it enough and if they are feeling down, they can just come here and look at this and know they are really truly loved.
And this is also a testement to all those nonbelievers of internet loves and friendships.
*Colleen* To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.
I adore you, you have gotten me through tears and laughter and illness and death and babies and husbands and everything in between. You are the most solid, well spoken, caring soul I have ever met, and you do everything that you do with grace and poise. You are my greatest friend, confidant and I know my sister in another life. I will always be right behind you, backing you up whenever you look. I love you till the stars fall from the sky.
*Katie* What can I say...You have kept me in stitches for over a year now, you make me laugh more than anyone else, and are always there for your girls. Keep in mind that the road to a friends house is never long. Thank you for everything, you are a sweet sweet girl.
*Danni* Thank you for always reminding me to keep my chin up, and always being honest when sometimes its hard.
*Elaine* We are kindred spirits, you and I. I wouldn't change a thing if I could, at least we have a good story to tell our kids how we met. Thank you for always coming to the table with support and the offer of an *** kicking.
*Delia* I still don't feel that I know you too well, but I do know that you make a solid effort to be positive at all times even when its hard. That is such an admirable trait.
*Charlene* BETH....thats all I can say...and her wedding was OFF THE HOOK!!!
*Tori* Your insight and stories have changed my life and outlook in general. One day I will be as strong as you are...maybe.
*Gwen* You are one tough cookie
And to Jamie Little. I sent you a pm months back and I fear that it upset you because I never heard back. Sometimes what I mean to say the right things, but they don't come out that way. So, if I upset you, I am so sorry. But you have to know how much I admire your strength of spirit, kindness of heart and unselfish soul. You did something that I could never have the strength to do and did it with the upmost beauty and grace. God has special place for you and Keiran is waiting, watching over all of us. Thank you so much for showing me so much persective and the personification of spirit.
I am alone. Its poring down rain in a scary way. I put my itunes on and thought I would write some more. Both of the kids are at their Mimi's...I miss them, but I'm not ready to get them yet. I just got the overwhelming feeling that I am alone in a large house that should be filled with children.....mmm
I had a conversation with my sister, Kristen a few months back when she came to visit. We were sitting in the R Bar drinking Abita Purple Haze and talking about old loves. The only significant person that I was with before James was my high school boyfriend, J. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 20. I was a junior in high school and he was a junior in college. It may seem odd that my folks let me date him, but I have to give you a bit of back story on that. J was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, he wasn't an active one when I met him, but his parents were. Here I am a catholic "worldy" schoolgirl seducing their son. They hated me, but not to my face of course, and then they just got used to me. J was a man among men, he was so sheltered in high school that he never played any sports or went to any dances or celebrated any holidays. Ever. He came out of his shell some in college, which his parents didn't even want him to go to college, they wanted him to become an Elder, and that doesn't require an education. J had an amazing, baffleing talent when it came to music, thus, he wanted to study music, but his dad told him that if he was going to school he was going to be an engineer. He was a math whiz, also, MIT wanted him.
It was love at first sight, he had straight chin length gold hair and blue eyes, and he was about my height. I slipped him my number, and he called that night. We went for coffee and he was so innocent and childlike and so sweet, saying all the right things, like he could look into my eyes forever, yada, yada. One thing that hit me hard is when he told me that he was still a virgin. He told me that when he made love to someone for the first time he wanted to tell them that he had waited his whole life for them.....I melted. He took me to his place, picked up his guitar and said "what do you wanna hear" I thought hard about it, wanting to stump him, so I told him Led Zeplin's "Over the hills and far away" and BAM he began to play it as if he wrote it. Not only did he play the guitar, but also the piano, bass and drums. He could do anything. And I was his girl. We dated for 4 years. It ended very badly, so badly that if I still lived there I would be doing drive bys still.
Right after Trey was born, I was really sick with PPD and the medication I was taking for it. I really thought that James and I were over, that I was mistreated and unloved and all that. Even when I came home from treatment I still kinda felt this way. Something like 3 days after I left the hospital I found out that I was pregnant with Grace. This is where it starts getting hokey. I have never told anyone except Kristen about this. I had always had some limited contact with J, always. I began speaking to him on a regular basis even sending him a letter that I wrote that I never intended to send. I told him that 2 or 3 weeks before Katrina I was coming to Knoxville to see him, for like a week. Trey was to stay with my parents. I just wanted OUT, and J had always been home for me. Now I know that all this is wrong, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The morning I was to leave he called me and told me not to come, that I was still married and he knew what would happen if I did come. Bless his conscience. I was pissed, but then I realized this was what was best, for all of us. J told me that he was needy and it was just going to be bad if I came because we know each other, it would be so easy to fall back into old routines. And that was it, I have his number in my cell, but I will never call him.
Back to the bar, Kristen is like a freakin budda, she told me that as much as you think you miss J, you really don't, you miss that time in your life and how it made you feel. To have the rockstar boyfriend that sang all his songs to me not to mention lulling me to sleep every night like we would our babies. Being the cool girl that other girls wanted to be.
This was a stunning revelation. I had missed him over the years mostly when I left him in another state. But it wasn't him I missed, it was me...I still miss that me.
I can't stop writing, I have no babies or husband...I'm glad that my girls got warm fuzzies when they read my notes to them, but they need to know, if I could tell them every day, I would. I'm sure that I have left out a few, I'll keep adding to it...
Ughhhh, the perils of a evacuatee. Not that anyone has been told to leave yet, heck the storm is still a week out, but i went to the store yesterday and almost everything was gone. No canned goods, no batteries and no bottled water. I have always been afraid of the thought of the next storm after Katrina...if I were you I would watch MSN and witness the malee of WWIII. People trying to hitch their FEMA trailers to their cars, which is so illegal. I will not be around for the CONTRA flow...I'm gettin out of this taco stand at least a day or tow early. And you know where I'm going, doncha??? Thats right, the evil despised Nana. There are no two ways around it. I'll keep you posted....
So I was watching "Saving Private Ryan" last night. Its one of my favorite movies. I guess it has been since before I had kids that I saw it last. It just broke my heart to see so many of those men pleading, begging for their Mom's before they died. I just...I am so selfish, I can't imagine Trey, lying on foreign soil, wounded beyond repair, begging for me to come to him. I applaud our sevice men and women, I do, I just can't let this come into my scope of reality. I realize that no one wants to die or their kids or husbands to die, but that is not a sacrifice that I want to lay on the alter of freedom.
alright, got Peter Gabriel on...Im feeling intospective. While I was showering my thought drifted back to freshman year, and I was so in love with a senior. Seeing how no one of that age speaks directlty to one anothrer. I got the call. He didn't like me...He liked my good friend. Who didn't even deserve him, by the way. I kept thinking over and over and over, "How could he want her when he knew he could have had me..."I just didn't get it. At 15 I was selfish, but I know I was better than her, just not as skinny. I think these are the moldings of our self esteem as adults. If you let someone get the better of you, then they have won. Mine was worn thin for a long time, I guess in alot of ways it still is...Unless everyone needs to be told that they are unique, one in a million, beyond price or measure, and that the beauty of their everyday way is breathtaking.
ugggg, I'm hung over, I had one too many shots of Patron last night...Now I remember why I don't usually drink. I had to call James and feel him out to make sure he wasn't pissed at me. I can't remember if I made an *** out of myself or not. I do know that he didn't wanna do it...what...who is this man? Where is my husband??
Today is the anniversary of Katrina. And to be honest I'm not feeling one way or the other about it. Its over, let it go, can't do anything about it now except what we are already doing.
James is taking the day off tomorrow, thank goodness, and he says that we are going to take the kids to the Aquarium or something fun like that, but I think we will just stay in bed late and wander around the house, but I could be wrong. We shall see...
Well, James is working, no day off for him. It always works out that way. Its nap time in my house, which I should take a shower and a nap myself because I slept so badly last night. I tried to go unmedicated and it backfired, I tossed and turned all night. And I got James "gametap" a few weeks back, which I should have never done because he is obsessed with "Sim Railroad", he was up till after midnight like a crackhead playing that game. Its hard because the only people I talk to all day are babies so when he gets home all I do is talk and he is on sensory overload because all he does all day is talk. So, last night I was watching "Platoon" on HBO and I talked through the whole freakin thing, I was like "who is that", "is that guy bad", "what happened", "who just got killed", "why did he shoot that guy", and he was like "shut the f up!!!" He was playing his game, not watching the movie...ahh, what a life.
My thoughts are with Colleen, with the move and the deployment...more later.
I hate that I am an embarassment to my family. They say that I am not, but I know that I am. Why else would they have lied to their families about where I was that week in the hospital. What was shocking to me was that I was the only person that voluntarily came, everyone else had no choice. I don't know if you have ever got the feeling that these people are so different from you, yet the same. I felt bad because I got tons of flowers every day and no one else did. Pissed me off that I wanted to leave then in the dayroom where everyone could enjoy them, and the staff ended up taking them home. Talk about a place begging for flowers.
I was looked at as the rich girl with rich girl problems, like ppd and meds. I remember getting out of the shower and this girl Druscilla stopped me and said "Man, you take such good care of yourself" From that moment on I shared everything I had, yummy hair and bath stuff, make up, my ipod...even some nice new panties were given away. I didn't do it because I felt sorry for them, I did it because they deserved it, same as I did. And every single person I met there was a good person, some extraordinary.
You can never go into those situations thinking that you have the ****tiest life and poor me...because someone will beat you this first day. Two pop into my head, I'll change names...Moe was a marine fighting in Iraq, well during an ambush his best friend that had 2 babies stepped in front of a bullet meant for Moe. His friend died from a gs wound to the head. Moe came home, freaked out, got it lots of fights and drank and did coke, and one day he just lost it. That is when I met him, and I love him, angry, needy, weepy Moe. The second is R who had an identical twin D. D was into drugs and one day R found him hanging in the barn, he had to cut down his own twin brother....And he was a mess, but still you could see the fun in him on occasion. When he left he was a good friend, I still speak to him. People think that these experiences are ones to be ashamed of, but they are so not. Every one needs a hand sometimes and what I needed what a stable envoirment to sort out my like
Things are never as they appear to be...