My Solace

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Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49
My Solace

I'm not even sure where I should start. I'm so one of those people that starts journals and diaries and never keep up with them, this one I can't lose or put in a drawer.
I live in post Katrina New Orleans, pretty much, I live in slidell, which is 10 miles east of new orleans, our town is on the lake that seperates us from the city. I have two babies, Trey who will be 2 in Dec and Gracie who is almost 8 months old. Yes, I have my hands full. But I'm getting to a point now (or my Cymbalta is working) that I really enjoy my life most days. The kids are at the ages that we have a good routine and I have alot of downtime to scrapbook read or do whatever. I have chronic pain that sometimes gets to me but I think that I am medicated pretty well.
Its funny, how close I have become to so many women on this site, yet I push my irl friends away, and I don't know why. I've been so preoccupied with getting married then having children that I just left them in the dust years ago. And I can be a real ass, I just don't want to do anything that I don't want do. My friend V planned my baby shower and I didn't even have the decency in me to go to hers. I had two babies and was overwhelmed, and I didn't wanna. Not to say that I didn't feel bad about it, because I do. V's sister is having a birthday party for her 3 year old today and I don't want my kids over there, too many people, its raining, I hate making nice with people that I don't know just for the sake of being a good "Mommy". I will not torture myself for my kids, especially when they are still so little. Trey starts shaking when we walk in Chuck E Cheese because he is afraid....I know, they are really sheltered, we'll see how they turn out.
Marriage is funny, isn't it? It is so not like what you think its going to be, and when you start throwing fuzzy headed wrinkly cruveballs in the mix...whoa, watch out. Its not easy, especailly since James is almost singlehandedly rewiring New Orleans for phone and high speed internet, which of course, the residents really need...NOT And I'm bitter, I don't see how military wives do it, I guess they know what they are getting into when they marry, I, on the other hand, did not. How do you keep things together when you both change so much that you can barely recognize each other? Not really bad changes, just growing up mostly, learning when the "hemmorhaging money" lecture is coming and making myself scarce. And James just doesn't understand that my nightly shower is my refuge, it is so quiet and soothing and I get to make myself smell like something other than baby puke. I don't want anyone to stand in there and talk to me and I sure as hell don't want anyone to sit on the toliet smelling up the joint with something other than "Bath and Body Works Sweetpea". Doesn't it just scream TOOL to you? Thing is, he doesn't even know, and thats one of the reasons I love him, he is very childlike.
Not that I think that divorce is wrong, because I know that sometimes it the best and sometimes only option, I just don't see how you do it. Maybe things have just never gotten that bad for me. I could never leave him. I just, he is my other half. I would lost without him. Gaw, and he puts up with so much of my shit...its amazing. I would never take him from our kids, either, I don't know who it would hurt worse...I don't think that I could do it alone, and I would never want to. I complain about James alot, I do. I think my problem is, is that I sometimes still try to change him. I mean, I know as well as everyone that you can't change a man, but I sometimes give it a shot when it comes to the important stuff. Our biggest issue from day one is that he cannot pick up the phone and let me know what his plans are (plans, James says, what are plans??) or tell me that he is running late. I HATE HATE HATE that. I watch way too much CSI and American justice, and I imagine him on the side of the road or kidnapped by a pshcho man killer seeking skinny, dark haired, mouthy white boys that she keeps as sex slaves...hehehhheee...That made me giggle. How would he like being a sex slave...not so fun, is it...

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

MMM, I was thinking about pregnancy.org and all the people I have met and learned from. I want to thank some of them, because I don't do it enough and if they are feeling down, they can just come here and look at this and know they are really truly loved.
And this is also a testement to all those nonbelievers of internet loves and friendships.

*Colleen* To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.
I adore you, you have gotten me through tears and laughter and illness and death and babies and husbands and everything in between. You are the most solid, well spoken, caring soul I have ever met, and you do everything that you do with grace and poise. You are my greatest friend, confidant and I know my sister in another life. I will always be right behind you, backing you up whenever you look. I love you till the stars fall from the sky.

*Katie* What can I say...You have kept me in stitches for over a year now, you make me laugh more than anyone else, and are always there for your girls. Keep in mind that the road to a friends house is never long. Thank you for everything, you are a sweet sweet girl.

*Danni* Thank you for always reminding me to keep my chin up, and always being honest when sometimes its hard.

*Elaine* We are kindred spirits, you and I. I wouldn't change a thing if I could, at least we have a good story to tell our kids how we met. Thank you for always coming to the table with support and the offer of an ass kicking.

*Delia* I still don't feel that I know you too well, but I do know that you make a solid effort to be positive at all times even when its hard. That is such an admirable trait.

*Charlene* BETH....thats all I can say...and her wedding was OFF THE HOOK!!!

*Tori* Your insight and stories have changed my life and outlook in general. One day I will be as strong as you are...maybe.

*Gwen* You are one tough cookie

And to Jamie Little. I sent you a pm months back and I fear that it upset you because I never heard back. Sometimes what I mean to say the right things, but they don't come out that way. So, if I upset you, I am so sorry. But you have to know how much I admire your strength of spirit, kindness of heart and unselfish soul. You did something that I could never have the strength to do and did it with the upmost beauty and grace. God has special place for you and Keiran is waiting, watching over all of us. Thank you so much for showing me so much persective and the personification of spirit.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

I am alone. Its poring down rain in a scary way. I put my itunes on and thought I would write some more. Both of the kids are at their Mimi's...I miss them, but I'm not ready to get them yet. I just got the overwhelming feeling that I am alone in a large house that should be filled with children.....mmm
I had a conversation with my sister, Kristen a few months back when she came to visit. We were sitting in the R Bar drinking Abita Purple Haze and talking about old loves. The only significant person that I was with before James was my high school boyfriend, J. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 20. I was a junior in high school and he was a junior in college. It may seem odd that my folks let me date him, but I have to give you a bit of back story on that. J was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, he wasn't an active one when I met him, but his parents were. Here I am a catholic "worldy" schoolgirl seducing their son. They hated me, but not to my face of course, and then they just got used to me. J was a man among men, he was so sheltered in high school that he never played any sports or went to any dances or celebrated any holidays. Ever. He came out of his shell some in college, which his parents didn't even want him to go to college, they wanted him to become an Elder, and that doesn't require an education. J had an amazing, baffleing talent when it came to music, thus, he wanted to study music, but his dad told him that if he was going to school he was going to be an engineer. He was a math whiz, also, MIT wanted him.
It was love at first sight, he had straight chin length gold hair and blue eyes, and he was about my height. I slipped him my number, and he called that night. We went for coffee and he was so innocent and childlike and so sweet, saying all the right things, like he could look into my eyes forever, yada, yada. One thing that hit me hard is when he told me that he was still a virgin. He told me that when he made love to someone for the first time he wanted to tell them that he had waited his whole life for them.....I melted. He took me to his place, picked up his guitar and said "what do you wanna hear" I thought hard about it, wanting to stump him, so I told him Led Zeplin's "Over the hills and far away" and BAM he began to play it as if he wrote it. Not only did he play the guitar, but also the piano, bass and drums. He could do anything. And I was his girl. We dated for 4 years. It ended very badly, so badly that if I still lived there I would be doing drive bys still.
Right after Trey was born, I was really sick with PPD and the medication I was taking for it. I really thought that James and I were over, that I was mistreated and unloved and all that. Even when I came home from treatment I still kinda felt this way. Something like 3 days after I left the hospital I found out that I was pregnant with Grace. This is where it starts getting hokey. I have never told anyone except Kristen about this. I had always had some limited contact with J, always. I began speaking to him on a regular basis even sending him a letter that I wrote that I never intended to send. I told him that 2 or 3 weeks before Katrina I was coming to Knoxville to see him, for like a week. Trey was to stay with my parents. I just wanted OUT, and J had always been home for me. Now I know that all this is wrong, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The morning I was to leave he called me and told me not to come, that I was still married and he knew what would happen if I did come. Bless his conscience. I was pissed, but then I realized this was what was best, for all of us. J told me that he was needy and it was just going to be bad if I came because we know each other, it would be so easy to fall back into old routines. And that was it, I have his number in my cell, but I will never call him.
Back to the bar, Kristen is like a freakin budda, she told me that as much as you think you miss J, you really don't, you miss that time in your life and how it made you feel. To have the rockstar boyfriend that sang all his songs to me not to mention lulling me to sleep every night like we would our babies. Being the cool girl that other girls wanted to be.

This was a stunning revelation. I had missed him over the years mostly when I left him in another state. But it wasn't him I missed, it was me...I still miss that me.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

I can't stop writing, I have no babies or husband...I'm glad that my girls got warm fuzzies when they read my notes to them, but they need to know, if I could tell them every day, I would. I'm sure that I have left out a few, I'll keep adding to it...

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Ughhhh, the perils of a evacuatee. Not that anyone has been told to leave yet, heck the storm is still a week out, but i went to the store yesterday and almost everything was gone. No canned goods, no batteries and no bottled water. I have always been afraid of the thought of the next storm after Katrina...if I were you I would watch MSN and witness the malee of WWIII. People trying to hitch their FEMA trailers to their cars, which is so illegal. I will not be around for the CONTRA flow...I'm gettin out of this taco stand at least a day or tow early. And you know where I'm going, doncha??? Thats right, the evil despised Nana. There are no two ways around it. I'll keep you posted....

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

So I was watching "Saving Private Ryan" last night. Its one of my favorite movies. I guess it has been since before I had kids that I saw it last. It just broke my heart to see so many of those men pleading, begging for their Mom's before they died. I just...I am so selfish, I can't imagine Trey, lying on foreign soil, wounded beyond repair, begging for me to come to him. I applaud our sevice men and women, I do, I just can't let this come into my scope of reality. I realize that no one wants to die or their kids or husbands to die, but that is not a sacrifice that I want to lay on the alter of freedom.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

alright, got Peter Gabriel on...Im feeling intospective. While I was showering my thought drifted back to freshman year, and I was so in love with a senior. Seeing how no one of that age speaks directlty to one anothrer. I got the call. He didn't like me...He liked my good friend. Who didn't even deserve him, by the way. I kept thinking over and over and over, "How could he want her when he knew he could have had me..."I just didn't get it. At 15 I was selfish, but I know I was better than her, just not as skinny. I think these are the moldings of our self esteem as adults. If you let someone get the better of you, then they have won. Mine was worn thin for a long time, I guess in alot of ways it still is...Unless everyone needs to be told that they are unique, one in a million, beyond price or measure, and that the beauty of their everyday way is breathtaking.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

ugggg, I'm hung over, I had one too many shots of Patron last night...Now I remember why I don't usually drink. I had to call James and feel him out to make sure he wasn't pissed at me. I can't remember if I made an ass out of myself or not. I do know that he didn't wanna do it...what...who is this man? Where is my husband??

Today is the anniversary of Katrina. And to be honest I'm not feeling one way or the other about it. Its over, let it go, can't do anything about it now except what we are already doing.

James is taking the day off tomorrow, thank goodness, and he says that we are going to take the kids to the Aquarium or something fun like that, but I think we will just stay in bed late and wander around the house, but I could be wrong. We shall see...

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Well, James is working, no day off for him. It always works out that way. Its nap time in my house, which I should take a shower and a nap myself because I slept so badly last night. I tried to go unmedicated and it backfired, I tossed and turned all night. And I got James "gametap" a few weeks back, which I should have never done because he is obsessed with "Sim Railroad", he was up till after midnight like a crackhead playing that game. Its hard because the only people I talk to all day are babies so when he gets home all I do is talk and he is on sensory overload because all he does all day is talk. So, last night I was watching "Platoon" on HBO and I talked through the whole freakin thing, I was like "who is that", "is that guy bad", "what happened", "who just got killed", "why did he shoot that guy", and he was like "shut the f up!!!" He was playing his game, not watching the movie...ahh, what a life.

My thoughts are with Colleen, with the move and the deployment...more later.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

I hate that I am an embarassment to my family. They say that I am not, but I know that I am. Why else would they have lied to their families about where I was that week in the hospital. What was shocking to me was that I was the only person that voluntarily came, everyone else had no choice. I don't know if you have ever got the feeling that these people are so different from you, yet the same. I felt bad because I got tons of flowers every day and no one else did. Pissed me off that I wanted to leave then in the dayroom where everyone could enjoy them, and the staff ended up taking them home. Talk about a place begging for flowers.
I was looked at as the rich girl with rich girl problems, like ppd and meds. I remember getting out of the shower and this girl Druscilla stopped me and said "Man, you take such good care of yourself" From that moment on I shared everything I had, yummy hair and bath stuff, make up, my ipod...even some nice new panties were given away. I didn't do it because I felt sorry for them, I did it because they deserved it, same as I did. And every single person I met there was a good person, some extraordinary.

You can never go into those situations thinking that you have the shittiest life and poor me...because someone will beat you this first day. Two pop into my head, I'll change names...Moe was a marine fighting in Iraq, well during an ambush his best friend that had 2 babies stepped in front of a bullet meant for Moe. His friend died from a gs wound to the head. Moe came home, freaked out, got it lots of fights and drank and did coke, and one day he just lost it. That is when I met him, and I love him, angry, needy, weepy Moe. The second is R who had an identical twin D. D was into drugs and one day R found him hanging in the barn, he had to cut down his own twin brother....And he was a mess, but still you could see the fun in him on occasion. When he left he was a good friend, I still speak to him. People think that these experiences are ones to be ashamed of, but they are so not. Every one needs a hand sometimes and what I needed what a stable envoirment to sort out my like

Things are never as they appear to be...

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

I wonder how many of you would really want to know me...The real one, that doesn't always laugh or joke. The one that doesn't return phone calls, you know, the selfish one. Being lonely does amazing things to your well being and spirit. I feel like I don't need anyone, I can do it all myself. Which is total bullshit ofcourse. I always feel like I'm grieving over the death of something, I wonder if J has a cemetary in his mind and lying next to me is a toddler named "Us" that passed away some years back. I wonder how its so easy for everyone else, but still biting at my wounds. The tattoo on my neck is the chinese symbol for grief...At that point I never wanted to forget. I have to keep telling myself that I live an amazing life and a woderful family, but will something always be missing? Will I waste years trying to find it?

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Okay, real life. I'm staying in my jammies today. I feel like today is in slow motion, we just can't get moving. Trey and Grace are eating scrambled eggs and watching the freakish "Oobi" on Noggin. Its almost nap time, I guess I'll catch up on some Tivo and make some pizza for lunch. James is coming home to work next month, which will be so good, he has been waiting for the transfer for 5 years. He has been much happier since he has heard, close to the man I married. Its really good. I hear Grace in the living room, she must want out of the high chair and into her crib. I'll try to write more later.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Had sushi for dinner, watched Dr. Zhivago for the first time this morning...wow, what a mind sapping movie. But it was good and depressing like all real love stories, I guess. Watching Freedomland at the moment and I just can't get into it. Maybe it was the two ambiencr's I took...

I have asked James to make love to me every day this week and he has said no everytime. I even got slutty with it, he is just way more into getting fucked up and playing on the computer. Its starting to hurt my feelings, usually its the other way around. He's all whippin' it out, yelling "its looking at you, it wants you..." Well, I'm sure its a phase.

I bought those light show airfreshners for the kids rooms in berry burst and I hate the stench, buy the vanilla!!!

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

My babies are all sleeping, James is snoring and finally a minute to myself. I have a nasty cold and feel like ass...Just really wanted Katie to know that I am not ignoring her on msn, James is a computer hog and he just closes them. I still love you!!

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Okay, I'm sorry, its been awhile since I have written, I just haven't had much to say, I guess. I miss my Katie and Colleen, I really do, I just don't have my shit together, I guess. Maybe that is why I don't have many friends, because I just don't keep them up, but my girls have major love and stamina and could care less if I am away for awhile. Thats what friends are for, right?

Well, I felt the need to involve myself in board drama last week, I just couldn't help it AND really, whoever is silly enough to rattle Elaines cage kinda deserves it. It is no big shocker that she behaved the way she did, and I AM SO not saying that she was wrong, but we all know, for the most part where people are, and more importantly WHO they are. I know 90% of these people well enough to tell you if they are a fighter, or better yet a defender, like me and Elaine and I really think Charlene as well, we just haven't pissed her off enough yet, or a lover, like Delia, Colleen, Katie(who is rejecting her defender ways), Tori, Julie, Danni, Shannon and the other Katie and Emily and who tries to stay out of things like Narrelle, and sometimes Delia and Tara. This is who we are...at home and online. None of you suprise me, honestly. You are all my friends and I usually know what kind of reaction you will give. But what stick in my craw is people that are rarely on our board getting all up in our kool aid. This is MY journal and I can say whatever I like, If you don't then STOP READING. NO ONE IS THE BOSS OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't like the way we speak to each other or defend each other or tell each other that we disagree with them, which we sometimes do, then post updates and pics of your kids and we will reply that your child is beautiful and doing well, as we hope you are and then don't read the rest. That is only my opinion and I am so sorry that it isn't yours. And really all those I mentioned by name, I adore you just the way are, I mean that.

Katie, "Come back to bed" is playing on my ipod just for you.

James and are doing okay, now I don't wanna do it with him....awww, such a viscous circle. More on that later

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Well, its been a heck of a day...Not really something I would enjoy discussing, but I will tell you that it is not about James.nothing really new and exciting.

I'll write more later

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

In the Garden

Oozing summer fruit
My hearts desire
The way he moves
When the breeze
Goes through him

Yes

I see it
I can't look away
Bright yellow boy
Has me wrapped up
In the theory
Of his skin

I consider
Raising my sword
In the slanting sunlight
To cut him down while
He is dripping
From the vine
Tipping towards my basket

Then I'll cover him
In apple blossom
And set him
On my windowsill
To wither
In winter
Like I do.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Okay, I suck at keeping up with this, sometimes I guess I need a push. When I get to this point in the evening its tough to do anything other than lie in bed and eat pecan sandies.
James and I had a huge fight on Sunday. Its not something that I want to advertise, but we all have problems and if someone has the same problems as me then maybe I can help them by letting them know that they are not alone. Anyway, everyone knows that James works very hard for the phone company as a manager of a crew in the ninth ward, 13 days on one off. And we do fine every day but that one, which is very close to being tragic. My expectations are so high on every other Sunday that I have this running list in my head of all the things that I want to do with him on his day off. And all he wants to do is be lazy and stay in bed all day. This causes great friction and I am a teeny tiny bit over dramatic and we argue about something stupid usually.
You have to know that in 10 days James is going to be taking a demotion so he can come back to Slidell and go back to work as a service tech. He MADE this decision. Not seeing the kids, traffic, high stress and manager bullshit made it easy for him. And I support his decision, but right now, he is paranoia in human form.
He has always made good money and since the hurricane he has done VERY well. And I will admit it, I am a huge spender, but not an uncontrollable one. He has told me lay off and I have been. But insted of being a "thrower" he is a "throw back in you face shit from way back in the day just to be mean" guy. So, yeah, Sunday he knocked my self esteem down a few notches and was really hurtful and mean. But what kills me is, after I cry he feels bad and wants to hug and kiss me and all i wanna do is beat his ass with the huge cross he was carrying around all day. Why are men like that? If you cry, do they feel like they have won?
Maybe its that I just like to be angry for a few days just to punish him (which I adore doing). We always make up in the end once I feel that he has been in time out for long enough.
Other than that, things are okay. I am 27 years old and I got put on blood pressure meds last week. It has been about 150 over 105 for a month and I just couldn't take it anymore. I am feeling better. thank goodness. The kids are great, I hate Elmo, and Grace is cutting her third tooth. Trey has become a total mimic and I am praying I don't hear "shit" come out of his mouth...Ahhh the wonders of being a foulmouthed mother.

All my BB girls, I feel bad that I don't reply to posts alot. But I still feel pretty sore from the "Great Split of 2006" and I really don't know where I stand with some of you, so I just push myself away because I don't want to step on any toes. I just can't handle another finger pointing session. I do care, thouygh, I promise, I do.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Well, it has been one of those days. I kinda thought about giving my two weeks notice for this "Mommy" thing. I have since changed my mind because it is what I do best and the benefits kick ass. Tomorrow will be a much better day.
James and I's anniversary is tomorrow. I hate admit that my husband will come home with no suprises, like a card or flowers. I feel bitchy about getting my feelings hurt...I mean, the man did just buy me a 300.00 bag. Yep, I am officially an ass.

Let me first say that I am not making fun of anyone with disabilites, I have many relatives and friends that are handicapped. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I was in the drive through ATM this afternoon and I was waiting for my transaction when I noticed something very odd on the machine. It has brail on it. MMMM, the ATM is on the drivers side ofcourse.

I'm not sure that people that are blind really should be driving, you know??

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Okay, lets talk about the perception of beauty for a sec. I know that almost everyone has been told that they are beautiful, and rightly so. If I thought for one single second that those words had not graced the ears of even one person I care about, then I would be there in record time, telling them how I feel about them and and how I see them. Love is in the telling and showing, right? Anyway, my Mom used to tell me when I came to her, heartbroken, that they just didn't see all the wonderful and beautiful things that she saw in me. And, today, that pisses me off. I live and have, for the most part lived my life as open book. Take what you want and I will return it with love. Fuck you, to anyone that has ever said that I'm not beautiful. Its okay if the way I look isn't pleasing to you, if my nose has a small bump, or if my eyes are too big, or if Im too fat, of if, you just don't like me. But the way that I treat my children, family, friends and strangers even makes me beautiful, no matter what any stupid, drunk, fat, college frat daddy has ever said. I love to sing songs that I would never admit that I know the words to in the car at the top of my lungs, dance in my living room, I love that I am completely free in the bedroom with my husband, taking jello shots at the worst times and just being me. And that me is beautiful, anyway that you look at it, inside out.
Okay, I will be honest, I know that I am attrative and have spent years hearing "you have such a pretty face" as all chunky girls have. I would like to think that what I see in the mirror is real. But do we really know? Do we know why and how why we are percieved the way that we are? And, is our perception real? I would like to think that we should trust the look on our loved ones faces rather than our mirrors anyday. Today, I promise myself that I will try and not worry about the mirror so much and look elsewhere to find my beauty.
My last thought about this may be off topic, but I had a conversation with a good friend today about music and aquired tastes. And I admit I have some guilty pleasures, like "Tool", I know, you are very suprised...But I have loved them for years and years, but tonight I realized why. Its because I find astounding beauty in something that is generally thought of as callous or hard or downright ugly. I saw that glimmer, that light, that no one can see but me. And THAT is beautiful. I mean, we all know why Katie loves John Mayer, but why does she love Ice T?

Joined: 12/15/06
Posts: 21

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Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Well. Its been a good day so far, Trey is out with his Nana for the day and Gracie has been as charming as ever and is now napping. I watch "Walk the Line" this morning and was a bit miffed that the whole movie was him chasing her. Butttt, it was good. I'm feeling ambitious today, I may even put on some makeup for my hubby, who, happens to be on my good list for the moment. Lets see, Its 2:30. Is that too early for a cocktail??? I think I will wait a while. More later.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I miss your Megisms. Wink Please post more when you get a chance.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

I'm still feeling like I am one person one day, then a different person the next. I think there much be some illness thats symptom is indecisiveness and crabbiness with a touch of humor. We shall call it "Megalamania", sometimes confused as "Megalomania" but are very very different...okay maybe not so much....

I just want to get in my car and go far far away

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

stupid crap that doesn't matter

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

well, I told you guys that I was bad at keeping up with these things, but I will try and be better about it. But I promise you nussing. NUSSING!!

Well, what freakin' new? Nothing, thats what.I've been kinda down lately. I don't know if its that my meds aren't working or what. I'm having a "meg's sad song" day. Thats actually the title on one of my ipod playlists and its been on repeat just about all day. Thats pretty dang depressing, and if I keep listening to Jeff Buckley I may just do something rash...okay, just kidding.

I was looking at my myspace page today and going through all my old classmates and even old loves and it makes feel tied down, jealous and just plain gives me a pouty lip. And I feel bad even saying it. Almost none of them have kids, they are getting their masters degrees and finding their true loves or worse, sluttin' it up out there. It makes me feel old, fat and boring. I mean my sister is starting law school in the fall, which will be like, her 4th degree and just got married a few months back..its all new for her. I really afraid that when my kids come to me and ask me about getting married at 21 I'm going to say "don't make the same mistake I did"...because thats fucking tragic. And even through I kinda feel that way, I can always rely on the fact that I followed my heart. And James is my heart. I really thought that the love that we had when we first got together would be an "always" love. I guess that is the difference in being a child and an adult. You finally become a grown person when you realize that is just not true. I am in no way saying that I don't love my husband, I do, without conditions, but its a warm safe spot that longs just for me, no excitment, no new. I think that our new love ended when I stopped being shy about being naked around him and especially when I stopped sucking my gut in when he spooned up to me at night... I have fantasies of breaking up with him for a while then getting back together just for that excitment and realizations of how much better I make his life. But those are just fantasies, besides if I broke up with him, he would make ME leave, and I don't want excitment that bad.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

okay, I admit it, I still talk to one of my ex's on msn. Nothing really romantic usually, but sometimes. We even met for coffee a few months back, but nothing came from it.

Now I have decided that I hate him.

Just for my selfish reasons. I want him to try and woo me back. Not that I could be wooed by him again. And the only thing he does is try to talk me into sleeping with him again occasionally. I got to the point this afternoon and asked him "couldn't we just pretend that your name is Fernando or Maximo and you are so in love with me that you write me mushy letters in Italian AND english and tell me that all you want to do is sweep me and the kids off our feet and tell me that your pupose in life is to keep the bad things from me?"

He said no...

I hate him.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

My MIL is coming home tomorrow from an 8 day vaca, and will be invading my house at around 10am, which is so welcome, because I'm freaking tired, and I'm starting not to like the way I am with the kids. I just need a little breather. Maybe its because on the 12th my Dr put me on some weight loss medicine because of my high blood pressure, and it has totally eleminated my appetite, I think its sapping my energy cause I'm not taking in any fuel. On the plus side, I have lost around 11 pounds since the 12th.
My sister called me two days ago and was telling me that she had been doing research and my diet pill may cause "anal leakage" and freakin' yes, its gross, but it hasn't happened to me and if it did I may not even stop taking it then. I also told her that she has no idea what its like to be fat, she does not know the hundred tiny humiliations you go through on a daily basis when you are heavy. And I'm tired of being told that I have "such a pretty face" if I want take pills or have surgury I will and its my freaking business, because I am sick of being fat. And James told me that I can have a boob lift if I do lose the weight...who wouldn't want that, right? I think he said it because he doesn't think I can do it, but he is gonna get real serious about it real fast cause within' a year he is gonna pony up my 5 to 10 grand to have beautiful perky breasts..

Anyway, if you have heavy people in your life...love them. We need it so much!!!

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

My house is empty...Weird stuff. See, I want them ALL to give me a break for a few hours and now I'm lonely. But even sometimes with the babies I'm lonely. I guess its just one of those perks of being a SAHM. I may watch some tv or take a nap..its such a hard decision, I know.

I have to tell you guys, I'm totally a closet gamer. But its only one game that I play and its been like a 7 year love affair. Diablo 2 is my weakness, I just can't stop picking it up every now and again. I tend to think that women with DH's that game alot have to try it some time or other. I'm also bad about about back seat playing, which I did all last night to James when he was playing Battlefield 2, I almost got on the teamspeak and commanded their unit myself. I could so totally do it. But those are some serious tough guys, so I didn't. I would have made them all be medic's and not have any snipers and they probably would have shot ME, so, you know, I try to know my place. ANYWAY, Diablo, I have been playing for about 2 hours and now I'm tired of it. I play online so it never gets dull and I must say, I'm very serious about my charachter and could pretty much kick anyones ass, well, almost. I also liked the sims 10 years ago, but it gets old, I think. I mean, when you TRY to make two men fall in love and kick the wife out OR (this was James' fav) have 4 wives and all make each of them an expert in one aspect of housework, like there would be a maxed out cook and a master electrician, you get the point. That gets boring. I wonder if I am the only one....

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

I have totally lost 12 pounds since the 10th!!!!! YAY!!! Anal leakage or not, I am gonna be one skinny girl...Maybe then when I look in the mirror and I can see myself again.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

so much for the weight loss Sad :( Sad

I'm due around March 12th!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

SMILE! You are gorgeous and a wonderful wife, mother and friend.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

The nausea has set in Sad But I swear, with both other babes I didn't get sick until atleast the 6 or 7th week. I feel like I'm being punished.

I am somewhere between being really excited and really nervous. This was NOT expected, but then again, neither was Grace and that girl is my heart. I'm afraid to tell people because of their disapproval and those looks...you know the looks I'm talking about, especially when you are pushing two kids in a stroller and are beached whale pregnant. Deep down, I know that these are my issues to deal with and I have to own them (thank you Dr. Phil) only then can I get past my insecurities.

I will say that the ladies on p.org have been amazing and I don't know what I would do without them.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Well, I haven't really kept up the last few days because basically my life is sucking ass. AND for once I really don't want to broadcast it. James has became very domineering and controlling about money. Money has not been tight for us since Hurricane Katrina and the overime has been abundant. Well, not anymore. We have enough to live on and live fairly well, but I admit it, I am extravagant as hell. NOW, please know that I listen to James when he says money is tight and I don't go buying random crap. But when he starts asking me where every bit of the 25 buck I spent at Walgreens went I get really angry. Really angry. I do NOT want hin to try and control me and treat me like a child. I am doing the best I can, and we have two children that need essentials. So we got into a big fight last night and he lied to me about the fact that he talked to my Mom and she agreed with everything that he was doing concerning our finaces. Which was a total and complete lie.

So that is why me and the kids are at my Moms house right now, and we will be for a little while. I will not tolerate lies and being ugly just for the sake of being ugly, which is what he has being doing for the past three weeks, When money gets tight he knee jerks into a person that I don't know.

I was really excited about this new baby. I felt that the timing was perfect. Now I am rethinking. Ofcourse I love this new baby and there is no question about keeping it, I just wish it was under better circumstances, you know.

Joined: 06/08/04
Posts: 49

Well, things are not good. I actually had the thought last night that our kids would never know how good we were together.

James is so unhappy. He says terrible things to me then comes back and says "its not about you" I don't know what we are going to do. My head aches in tribute to my heart.