Well, here I am. I've decided to start a journal to help pass the time until we can start trying to concieve another special bean. Also, I'd love a place to write down all my adventures as a mother of two, and eventually three
I've convinced DH to move our TTC date to March instead of June, and now I'm really, really trying to convince him to start trying at the end of January instead. I think eventually he'll cave, but for now he likes to play it off that he's not going to budge on the date at all.
Currently I'm the mommy of two wild, precious little girls: Addison and Lauryn. I can't believe that my baby is going to be 1 in just three short weeks. Seriously, where does the time go. She's getting so big. She started walking a little over a month ago, and she hasn't slown down since. She chases Addison all over the place and it's hilarious and amazing to watch the interaction between the two girls.
Alright, that's enough for now, but I'm sure I'll be back with plenty more
Oh my!! Today is Lauryn's first birthday!! Where has the time gone I can't believe it. We are having a party for her this afternoon and I'm so excited. She is too little to understand that it's her birthday, but she's walking around with a big ol' smile on her face. It's precious!!
The girls are keeping me busy as well as my job. We've enrolled them in part-time daycare and the difference in Addison's behavior amazes me!! She's definately gotten a lot better, although there's still room for improvement. I know part of it is the "terrible two's", but some of it is a little over the top. I'm hoping daycare continues to be a good thing for her. Anyway, I better run....off to pick up the cake and finish decorating. Time to
What a day!! I'm in the most foul mood ever, I think!! DH was gone at work all day and all Lauryn has done is scream!! I have no clue what she wants and honestly I don't think she knows what she wants either.
On top of Lauryn's screaming, Addison has been a typical 2 yr. old and she's into EVERYTHING she isn't suppose to be.
1. She's eaten two of my chapsticks
2. Stolen Lauryn's pacifier
3. Stolen Lauryn's baby doll from her
4. Crawled behind the computer desk and the couch
5. Ripped all the magnets off the fridge
6. Stolen cookies from the cookie jar.
What else could she possibly do today?? Hopefully nothing! I'm off to whisk her into bed
Howdy!! It's been a while since I've written in here...lots to report
DH has finally come around and we are actively TTC baby #3. We are so excited...we have names picked out and nursery themes...so all we need now is the baby. If we are lucky enough to get a little boy his name will be Easton Andrew. His nursery theme will be Colorado Avalanche hockey. The walls will be navy blue and one wall will contain the Avalanche logo. I'm hoping we can hire someone to paint a mural on another wall: a picture of a hockey game or something along those lines.
If we are blessed with another princess her name will be Kenadie Anne. Her room will be ladybugs!! It will be painted red and then we'll have someone come in and paint little ladybugs all over. I'm so excited!!
I've also put some thought into the girls' room. They'll end up sharing a room until we move to a bigger house, so I'm looking at white bunk beds that will seperate into two twin beds. I think I'm going to paint the walls dark lavendar and do a Tinkerbell theme. Not sure yet...but those are the thoughts on rooms for now.
The girls are doing well. Addison is still wild and rambunctious, but that comes with the territory of toddlerhood Lauryn has started talking and she's getting to be so active. She's still cutting teeth. She just popped her sixth one, so she doesn't have to many. Addison only had 4 until she was 18 months and then cut them left and right, so that's what I'm thinking will happen this time.
We're gearing up for remodeling our kitchen. They are going to start demolition this weekend by tearing out the wall the joins the kitchen and the living room. I'll have to get some before and after pics. I'm so excited. Anyway, it's New Year's Eve!! Gotta get the girls ready. They are going to great grandma's while Mommy and Daddy go out!!
It has been an awfully long time since I've written in here, and so much has happened. As I mentioned last time, in December, DH and I were actively TTC. We were blessed with a BFP at the end of February and we were both thrilled. I was due Nov. 8. At my first u/s (scheduled for 8 weeks) the tech said the baby was smaller than it should be and was giving me a due date of Nov. 17. I knew that wasn't possible, and tried to prepare myself for the worst. I went back on April 8 for a follow-up u/s and was devastated when the tech said my baby's heart had stopped beating. The minute she started the u/s I knew something was wrong. At 8 weeks the baby should look like a little gummy bear and there was nothing...no heartbeat, no arms, no legs...nothing. I went in for a S&C on Friday and have just started the cramping and bleeding that I was expecting with it. The cramps are intense, but it just feels like a really bad period.
I have so many emotions going through my body...I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm bitter. I just don't understand it. I blame myself and my body for failing me. I never thought I was incapable of a m/c...that was and is always a fear of mine in the first trimester, but after 2 healthy pregnancies, I just didn't really think it would happen to me. I guess God had other plans for my little lovebug.
I go in for a follow-up on the 24th and am hoping for some answers. I'm not really expecting any, but it's nice to hope. DH wants to know when we'll be able to start trying again. Part of me wants to try right away but another part of me wants to wait. I do not want to go through a similiar experience...and I think my body needs time to heal. I've been told by severals that I should wait three months, but I don't know if that means cycle or actual months. If it's just months that I'd be able to start trying in July. A spring or summer baby would be nice....I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the doctor says.
I'm hoping to keep this journal more active....it's a place where I can deal with my emotions of the m/c and also focus on the joys of my two girls. They are what's helping me get through this situation right now. They may drive me nuts some days but I really do love them more than I could ever imagine. I don't know what I'd do without either one of them.
I decided to write DH a letter explaining why I'm so angry right now....I'm experiencing a lot of emotions, but anger seems to be the most prominent right now. Anyway, I wanted to put the letter here for now...it will help me heal in the long run...I think.
There are a lot of reasons I'm angry right now. Not all of it is about you, but some of it is. I'm angry that you haven't seemed to acknowledge that our baby died. I'm angry that my mom, instead of you, had to go with to my S&C. You should have been there with me to say goodbye to our baby. You made me look like an idiot by showing up for that procedure with my mom instead of my husband. I'm upset at the fact thatyou think you have the right to call me names after everything I've gone through over the weekend. That is not ok with me. I'm angry that you don't listen to me. You specifically asked if I wanted to grab something for dinner and go home. I said no...I didn't want to go home yet, but as soon as I got into the car you said, "Let's just get something and go home." You don't listen and it really pisses me off...a lot! That's usually what I'm angry about. I'm angry that we have to start trying all over again. It's so stressful! I don't want to get my hopes up only to have to go thru something like this again. I'm angry that I have to see a pregnant woman every day at work. I could go on and on but I'm too tired and too pissy....
**Looking at the email I can feel the anger. I just don't know what else to do with my emotions right now. They're all over the place and I hate it
Today is one of the first days that I feel ok. I'm not over my loss by any means, but I'm doing ok. After I wrote Todd the letter, I left it on the computer and went to bed. He read it and tried to apologize to me the next morning. I wasn't ready, so I just kind of pushed him away and texted him later while I was at work. We talked thru texting for a while and he admitted that he's dealing with this in his own way. He said he doesn't know how to feel because he's never experienced this before, and I told him I didn't either, but for him to act like nothing happened was a problem with me.
We both have decided to get a tattoo as a constant remind of our little one. We want to do something for our girls and any future children we have, but we feel that this little bub needs to be included. Even though we weren't fortunate enough to meet him or her, he or she is our baby...our angel baby.
I better run for now...it's nearly time for dinner.
This weekend has been a tough one...I'm just so depressed and feel like a Debbie Downer. I haven't felt the greatest this weekend, honestly, I feel like I have m/s and it's slap in the face because that's not what it is. I feel like I'm fat. I didn't gain any weight while I was pregnant but I was starting to get a little belly. Now I just have a little flab left. This weekend is a weekend where I would have liked to have crawled into a hole and stayed there, but my girls and hubby need me. I know with time it'll get easier, but it still makes it hard. I want my baby...I should be 12 weeks today, almost out of the first tri and instead I'm waiting for the green light to go through those nerve-wracking 12 weeks again It just stinks...
Almost a whole week has gone by since I last visited my journal, but a lot has been going on at home. Let's see...where to start. On Wednesday I went to a routine dentist visit, and for some reason that visit turned out to be really difficult. There was a lot of weird feelings surrounding the visit, but they didn't really start until I went back into the room. The first thing I saw when I walked in was my chart pulled up on the computer screen, and it said "Patient may be PREGNANT!!!" just like that, with all the exclamation points and capitalization. It made my heart sink. I realized the last time I was in the office was 3 days before I got my BFP, so when they were going to do an X-ray, I told them there was a chance I might be pregnant. Ouch! That brought back a lot of memories, and while I was sitting there by myself for so long, they were all replaying in my head. I had also realized that it had been exactly 2 weeks since I found out my LO had grown wings, so there were more emotions thrown in my face. It was tough, but I made it through the appointment without any tears.
Friday was my follow-up appointment and I must say that I was quite disappointed. I wasn't expecting any answers, but at the same time a tiny part of my heart was hoping for some. I went into the office and had to fight the urge to cry. It was so strange to me to be sitting in an OB office and not be pregnant or just have had a baby. I only had to wait a few minutes before they called me back, and that I sat in the room for what seemed like forever. The doctor (not my normal doctor, but the one who did the surgery) came in and started asking some questions. She asked if I was still bleeding (yes!), cramping (no!), or had a fever (no!). She also asked if I wanted some form of birth control, and I replied that DH and I wanted to start TTC again, but didn't know how long we were to wait. She said that typically they like their pateints to wait 2 full cycles, but that it can take a while for cycles to come back We're looking at mid-late July if that's the case. DH and I have taken the approac that once AF returns we won't try, but won't prevent either and if nothing happens by July then we'll really get into it with temping, OPKs, etc. I was disappointed because she didn't really mention the S&C or the baby/miscarriage at all. I guess I didn't understand what the point of the follow-up was for if they weren't going to at least mention those things.
I'm starting to come to peace with what happened and I realize that God had a reason for doing what he did. I can say that this situation has made me realize how good I really do have it, and how precious and valuable my 2 littel girls are to me. I've seen them in a whole new light, if that makes any sense, and I'm learning to be more patient and understanding with them. I'm learning to slow down and enjoy life day by day, and not always anticipate what tomorrow will be bring...but to just be happy with today. It's hard, but I'm working on it. I'm anxious to see what will happen for us in the future with TTC, but for now I just need to take it one day at a time. I best go for now...but just wanted to write down the events from the past week. I didn't really think people were serious when they said that there would be good days and tough days, but I've discovered within a week even my emotions can change. It'll be tough....but I'm working my way through it...
Today is one of those days were I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that I have to wait 2 full cycles to start TTC again. This is so hard!!! I just want to be TTC now!! I want a BFP now!! I just want my baby back!! I want my belly back!! It's so unfair...and I don't know how to deal with these awful emotions. I contemplated not preventing-not trying once my period returns, but I know that the doctor said 2 full cycles for a reason. How do I work through this....How do I justify not trying right away? I know it's the best thing for my body, but for my heart too?? I just don't know