I have so much on my mind anymore that I don't sleep, even with 1 mg of xanax and an ambien. If I do doze off its usually to have nightmares about the things I've been through, the things I still have to go through, or what could happen at any turn.
I used to post on a few boards around here, like most "normal" people do. Then my life became so "abnormal" that I became a lurker. Sometimes I don't post because I'm afraid my bad luck will rub off on someone else, which I would never wish on anybody. Sometimes, when one of the 28 scars from surgeries hurts alot, and I see someones post about how they have a cold and are miserable; I don't post because I'm not sure what I will say. It's not that I don't feel bad that someone is sick, it's just that I'm blinded by pain and self-pity and want to remind them that a cold isn't the end of the world. I want to remind people that you never know how much time you have left and to forget the trivial things. But when the pain takes over, I don't know how my words will come across; so I've just quit speaking.
Today, is February 14. It's my husband's 29th birthday! I was able to get up and make him french toast. It was the first time I've been able to find the energy to cook him breakfast in a year and a half. I've been loading up for days on B12 shots and Ritalin in the hopes that I would have the energy to make it through today with only a couple of naps... we'll see how it goes. It's a snowday, so I hope I have the energy to play with the kids, who knows? I am still wiped out from my dd's birthday party last weekend and from treatment on Tuesday.
There is a lot more I want to say, a lot more I need to say. And I will be back to do that soon.