I have so much on my mind anymore that I don't sleep, even with 1 mg of xanax and an ambien. If I do doze off its usually to have nightmares about the things I've been through, the things I still have to go through, or what could happen at any turn.
I used to post on a few boards around here, like most "normal" people do. Then my life became so "abnormal" that I became a lurker. Sometimes I don't post because I'm afraid my bad luck will rub off on someone else, which I would never wish on anybody. Sometimes, when one of the 28 scars from surgeries hurts alot, and I see someones post about how they have a cold and are miserable; I don't post because I'm not sure what I will say. It's not that I don't feel bad that someone is sick, it's just that I'm blinded by pain and self-pity and want to remind them that a cold isn't the end of the world. I want to remind people that you never know how much time you have left and to forget the trivial things. But when the pain takes over, I don't know how my words will come across; so I've just quit speaking.
Today, is February 14. It's my husband's 29th birthday! I was able to get up and make him french toast. It was the first time I've been able to find the energy to cook him breakfast in a year and a half. I've been loading up for days on B12 shots and Ritalin in the hopes that I would have the energy to make it through today with only a couple of naps... we'll see how it goes. It's a snowday, so I hope I have the energy to play with the kids, who knows? I am still wiped out from my dd's birthday party last weekend and from treatment on Tuesday.
There is a lot more I want to say, a lot more I need to say. And I will be back to do that soon.
Need to vent yet again. Some may seem cryptic, but I will fill it in with details when it is a decent hour.
Things were going decent after my last post, the docs had my medications adjusted and I finished treatment on March 27th.
On March 29th I had the worst news of my life. My baby brother died in a car accident, he was only 25 years old. I made it down to FL before the life support was turned off and was with him when he died. I never even got to tell him that my treatment was over.
Obviously, it has been unbelievable, the pain doesn't lessen. I miss him and sometimes the physical pain in my chest is bad enough that I forget to breathe. More than once I have made the 7 hour trip in the middle of the night and fell asleep on his grave. I've learned to live with the pain and the loss.
While coping as well as I can, on April 1st, my mom (who is unmedicated bipolar, and ignoring that her son died) told me that she was leaving my stepdad. She had been cheating on him since November of 07. She'd already broke up her boyfriends marriage, with anonymous calls to his wife and 9 near old daughter. Shortly afterward my step dad (who raised me for 18 years) told me more of the story and I found out that not only was she was cheating, but she was using him for money at the same time. She would come back to her husband when she needed money, telling him that she'd left her bf. Once she has the money, she was back to the bf. She even used her DH's SSN to get her and her boyfriend new cell phones so their spouses wouldn't be able to access their phone records. My stepdad knew what she was doing, but was so hopeful that she'd be back, that he kept falling for it. Between the divorce and losing my brother, I was worried about him. I live 7 hours away, but I drove in twice a week to check on him. He seemed fine, I was mostly checking on him because I don't think that I would be fine in the same situation. When I visited on May 16, I found that my mom had removed all of the furniture (even the light fixtures, dishwasher, etc). He had went out and bought some toys for my kids for when we got there and a computer to keep up with my dropshots pics. When I left, I reminded him that it would be a week before I could make it back. On May 20th, he was shot. He either committed suicide or my mother did it. We are still waiting for stuff to come back from labs to figure out which. For now they are saying the official cause of death was a gunshot wound. They have said that it is possible it wasn't self-inflicted because of the ballistics report on the bullet fragments found. They haven't mentioned my mother, but if it was anyone else, it was her.
Because the death certificate came back as gun shot wound and his insurance was payable regardless of suicide or homicide; it was disbursed to the beneficiary... my mom. she still hasn't paid for the funeral or the a headstone. But she has bought her and her boyfriend a house and she has bought each of them a car and is pretty much broke, she put the new purchases in her boyfriends name so that her creditors won't find out about them. (Yep, she received 200,000 didn't even pay off her debts).
So now she has decided that death is profitable, so she wants to take the guy to court from my brother's wreck. Which I want to take it court to, but for two reasons: revenge and if it is on his record it may keep him from behind the wheel for a while and keep someone else from suffering this way. It would be hard for me to take him to court, since I am not the next of kin. My divorced parents who hate each other are equally next of kin. My dad is only worried about money as well, and felt the need to quit talking to me until the court stuff is over; because he doesn't want my mom to find out what he is doing with things. Because he thinks he can hide a judgement from her and keep it to himself. So in order to make sure the guy is punished, I am acting on my mom's behalf and preparing a civil trial against the guy. I'm mostly trying to get the judge to consider making the guy do community service in a trauma unit, where accident victims are brough and losing his license for as long as possible.
I'll copy a post about where things are with the criminal charges:
I have no clue what I need to do or if I can even do anything. My brother was killed in a car accident a couple of months ago. His SUV and the other car were headed in opposite directions on a six lane road (2 north lanes, 2 south lanes, and a turning lane for each direction). The other car was in the south turning lane, waiting to turn east. He was creeping into the intersection so that he could make the left on yellow instead of waiting for the green arrow. (He's admitted this.) My brother was traveling North and when his jeep was struck the light had just turned yellow. His vehicle flipped twice and he was ejected through the sunroof. He died the next day. The other driver was charged with failure to yield. The citation listed my brother as going 45 in a 45 zone; which is considered speeding, because FL statute requires that you decrease speed in an intersection.
I tried not to think about the other person too much; because I know that accidents happen and I have went into a yellow light to turn before. So even though, I hated what happened, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Until I googled his name a couple weeks ago. I found that the guy has had at least 30 traffic violations since 1992. Some of the charges were pretty major ones: two DUIs, driving on the wrong side of a divided highway, reckless driving, careless driving, at least 3 failure to yields with one resulting in a crash just 8 months before the wreck with my brother.
While going through the guys citations, I pulled up the one from the wreck with my brother. It was marked that he did not need to appear in court, that the accident had no injuries and no fatalities! I sent out a few emails to the State's Clerk office, which straightened out the errors on the citation.
Now all of that to get to my questions.
The traffic infraction hearing is going to be in two weeks and he has pled guilty to his only charge: failure to yield. Obviously, I would prefer he be charged with Homicide and get the death penalty (I know that isn't fair and not going to happen, but as an older sister I had to say it). Seriously, with his record, he should have something else. I have searched the statutes and he fits the descriptions for careless driving, reckless driving, habitual offender, and vehicular homicide. I've tried calling the investigating officer and as he extremely rudely put it: The guy was charged with what the officers knew he did, the other charges were a matter of opinion and that my brother was at least partially responsible for not slowing down (ie. going 45 in a 45). So after reporting that officer to the state people, I spoke to his secretary ( I had dealt with her when it was time to get accident reports so she knew the situations). She said that she thought that the traffic judge would decide whether there would be other charges. I personally have never heard of such a thing, but have never lived in FL. I have lived in several states though and never heard of such.
So I started looking for a way to have additional criminal charges brought against him. I can't figure anything out. I've read the FL constitution, laws and statutes to no avail. FL lawyers all say that only the state can bring charges; but that doesn't seem right. Can I at least file a motion for the judge to consider the guys driving history or file an appeal after the first trial? I am meeting with a military lawyer next week, but they mostly deal with federal law. And I haven't found a lawyer in MD or WV that feel qualified to offer advice on FL law. The trial is only a couple weeks away, so I'd appreciate any advice you may have.
I have a little extra time to prepare for the civil trial, so it doesn't seem as urgent; but could use advice on it as well.
I am stressed, I want to kknow what I have down to deserve all of this. This evening, I recieved an email letting me know that my Ma B (nickname for my stepdad's mom) broke her hip and had a heart attack. They say that she is okay, and I want nothing more than to go the 7 hours to see for myself; but I need to go the opposite direction to make the 15 hour trip to beat down office doors in FL in hopes of finding answers about the guy who killed my Brother.
I try not to mention my problems to anyone especially RLF, because if it is this depressing to live it.. it's probably not to fun to hear about. It is so bad at times, that I double check the accident reports and obituaries, in hopes that it was a bad dream. Sometimes, I trick myself into believing it was all my imagination playing cruel tricks on me; but then I see the 8 peace lillies in my house- 4 from each funeral and know that not only was it all real, but it is all permenant, and it won't ever go back to the way it was.