I've never actually kept a journal, just wrote in them a few times, and that's it, but I think it'll be good for me to try (for the billionth time) to start one again to de-stress and get everything out!
This morning we had to go to Chris's aunt's birthday breakfast (all of them go out for breakfast on their birthdays). Yesterday and Thursday were my off days, and I had to get up at the break of dawn on both days (one word--Jason (he's 5 months old)), and then I had to get up early this morning to take a shower before everyone else rushed in there (yeah right), so I haven't got to sleep in or even get my 6-8 hours of sleep in over a week. Yesterday, I went to look at my new work schedule for this week, and I only have 12 hours. I am so PISSED! So far I've gotten at least 30 hours (I have to that 30 hours at least to pay bills, buy formula, etc.), and this is the first time they've done this, and I just hope they get this fixed, and never do it again.
this morning I had to go try to wake up Jody (Chris, my fiance, 's mom) three times, and Chris refused to wake up until 15 minutes before we had to be at the breakfast. Today when I went into work, I just got to work 3 hours (yeah, so what's the point of working when I only worked 3 hours?).
Today I'm going to go visit my grandparents because my aunt is back in town and is staying with them, as always. I like having social time with my family, but my family are such assholes it's unbelievable! My grandparents are a huge source of low self esteem for me because I always feel like they're looking down on me, and because of the things they say to me.
They used to keep Jason until a few days ago, but my grandmother claims I called her 'dumb' and 'stupid' (yeah, right! I'm not stupid enough to call the woman who's been helping and watching Jason that! I'm not that mean, either!). So she said she wouldn't watch Jason anymore, and when I tried to call back to talk to her, she didn't feel good, so my papaw answered the phone and told me "If you're having such problems finding somebody to watch Jason, why don't you just give him up for adoption"
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh! I could've cussed him out so bad right then, but I just said bye and hung up the phone instead.
NOBODY tells me to give up my child to a stranger when he gets everything he needs or wants here, plus his own mommy and daddy. It hurts my feelings SO bad. I know I'm doing the best I can--Jason never goes hungry, he gets his diapers changed every time he needs it, he has good clothes to wear, we get him any toy he shows an interest in, and he's spoiled because I hold him and rock him every time he cries, and he gets 90 percent of my attention when I'm home. I'm trying to do EVERYTHING right, and I'm working my butt off so I can afford his formula and his Christmas, and go to college this January.
Jason has everything he needs and he's obviously a happy baby, and that's why it hurts so bad that they would suggest me give him up for adoption. I am THIS close to never having anything to do with them ever again.
They've hurt me a lot of times, and I'm trying to look the other way and forgive them to be a good example for Jason, because family's supposed to be important, but I don't think I can handle it much longer.
Well, I'll write some more when I go visit them and tell you what happened!