My Venting Place!

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Joined: 11/03/02
Posts: 4
My Venting Place!

I've never actually kept a journal, just wrote in them a few times, and that's it, but I think it'll be good for me to try (for the billionth time) to start one again to de-stress and get everything out!

This morning we had to go to Chris's aunt's birthday breakfast (all of them go out for breakfast on their birthdays). Yesterday and Thursday were my off days, and I had to get up at the break of dawn on both days (one word--Jason (he's 5 months old)), and then I had to get up early this morning to take a shower before everyone else rushed in there (yeah right), so I haven't got to sleep in or even get my 6-8 hours of sleep in over a week. Yesterday, I went to look at my new work schedule for this week, and I only have 12 hours. I am so PISSED! So far I've gotten at least 30 hours (I have to that 30 hours at least to pay bills, buy formula, etc.), and this is the first time they've done this, and I just hope they get this fixed, and never do it again.
Well, anyways,
this morning I had to go try to wake up Jody (Chris, my fiance, 's mom) three times, and Chris refused to wake up until 15 minutes before we had to be at the breakfast. Today when I went into work, I just got to work 3 hours (yeah, so what's the point of working when I only worked 3 hours?).

Today I'm going to go visit my grandparents because my aunt is back in town and is staying with them, as always. I like having social time with my family, but my family are such assholes it's unbelievable! My grandparents are a huge source of low self esteem for me because I always feel like they're looking down on me, and because of the things they say to me.
They used to keep Jason until a few days ago, but my grandmother claims I called her 'dumb' and 'stupid' (yeah, right! I'm not stupid enough to call the woman who's been helping and watching Jason that! I'm not that mean, either!). So she said she wouldn't watch Jason anymore, and when I tried to call back to talk to her, she didn't feel good, so my papaw answered the phone and told me "If you're having such problems finding somebody to watch Jason, why don't you just give him up for adoption"
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh! I could've cussed him out so bad right then, but I just said bye and hung up the phone instead.
NOBODY tells me to give up my child to a stranger when he gets everything he needs or wants here, plus his own mommy and daddy. It hurts my feelings SO bad. I know I'm doing the best I can--Jason never goes hungry, he gets his diapers changed every time he needs it, he has good clothes to wear, we get him any toy he shows an interest in, and he's spoiled because I hold him and rock him every time he cries, and he gets 90 percent of my attention when I'm home. I'm trying to do EVERYTHING right, and I'm working my butt off so I can afford his formula and his Christmas, and go to college this January.
Jason has everything he needs and he's obviously a happy baby, and that's why it hurts so bad that they would suggest me give him up for adoption. I am THIS close to never having anything to do with them ever again.
They've hurt me a lot of times, and I'm trying to look the other way and forgive them to be a good example for Jason, because family's supposed to be important, but I don't think I can handle it much longer.
Well, I'll write some more when I go visit them and tell you what happened!

Joined: 11/03/02
Posts: 4

I'm back! Incase somebody's reading this, here are a few facts about me you might need to know to understand all of the mess I write!

My name's Mary, my son, Jason Timothy, is 5 months old, I'm about to marry his father, Chris, me and Chris have been together for 2 1/2 years, I am 18 years old, Chris is 19, Chris' mom Jody lives with us, I'm going to attempt going to college this January, and I currently work at a fast food restaurant (wendy's).

Anyways, I got some more hours at work this week (thank God), and Chris got mad because I stayed late 2 hours yesterday, and 20 minutes today because somebody was either late or didn't show up. He told me he wanted me to clock out the minute I'm scheduled to get off, but I need as many hours as I can get to help pay bills and buy Christmas this year. Guys can be so wierd sometimes. I think he's really just a little freaked out because these past two days he's been off from work, and he's had to watch Jason by himself, and Jason's been teething real bad. He's watched Jason by himself before, and he knows what to do as good as I do, but before I went to work, I was always there, so if Jason got REALLY fussy or was sick, I dealt with it more.
Chris usually isn't the possessive type. He doesn't mind if I go somewhere, have somebody over, talk to other guys, or whatever. He has been a little possessive lately, especially since I started working, and I think he's actually jealous of my job! Now that I have a full time job and Jason to take care of, there's not that much time for me to cook big meals and do stuff like I used to for him. I still pay attention to him, but I think that's the reason.
By the way--I didn't end up going to my grandparents' house. I talked to Chris's stepmom about everything that happened, and after hearing myself talk to her I decided not to even bother with going over there. They have helped me out a lot, and when I was growing up, I had just about any material thing I wanted, name brand clothes, etc., but I wasn't happy because all they do is put me down. It's been a rare occasion when I actually feel 'good enough' in their eyes, and I'm getting sick of it. I'm doing the BEST i can possibly do right now, and it's nowhere near easy. I work usually 8 hours a day, and then I come home and take care of Jason and Chris. I don't have any time to myself at all, and I don't get to go anywhere and have fun with my friends very often. The last time I went out to have fun was about 3 months ago or more, and before that, it was before I was pregnant with Jason. Plus, I'm about to take on even more and try to go to college at the same time too. But I know that when I'm finished with all my goals, things will be better. I think I'm doing pretty good--Jason's getting everything he needs or wants, our bills are paid, and none of us are going hungry ot naked.
I'm in a pretty good mood today! Chris is over at his dad's house working on a car, so it's just me and Jason. Even though I'm not alone, it's still nice to have some time almost by myself!

Joined: 11/03/02
Posts: 4

Yesterday Jason had to get his shots, and he ended up getting a fever for the first time. He started getting really fussy, I had been giving him baby tylenol, and after a while I took his temp and it was 101.8! I called the doctor, and they told me to give him a bigger dosage (because of his weight--23 pounds, 28 inches), so he's better now. He didn't go to sleep until 1am, though!

I had SUCH a bad day today! I haven't been getting enough sleep (teething baby, etc.), I didn't have enough time for coffee, when I went into work, I found out that I was supposed to be there 2 hours earlier and stay an hour later, but it wasn't put on the schedule, and nobody told me. Then I fell on a puddle of water, and hit my stomach on big hung of metal jutting out of the drink thing in front of me and I have a HUGE bloodspot where I hit it!
And to top it off, my stomach's been killing me, I'm getting a sinus infection again, and me and Chris had a little whine-fest this morning b/c he smacked me in the head when I was getting back into bed in the dark, and it was 'my fault' because I 'hit my head on his arm', and it was 'his fault' because he turned to light off so I couldn't see his arm smacking into my head.
Well, not much else going on! Tv, teething, laundry, etc.