My Whinefest
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    I need to start by saying that I suck at keeping journals. I started a journal for Gab and even a pregnancy journal while I was preggo w/ Joshua and I was really bad about keeping up with them. I’m going to do my best to keep up with this journal because I have so much that I need to get off my chest. My stress/ anxiety level is so high these days that I feel like my chest is going to explode.

    I’m normally a pretty stressed out person, but lately I feel like is getting worse. I’m bf , so maybe I’m just really hormonal. I know part of the problem is that I have ZERO time for myself and dh and I have no alone time whatsoever. I used to love scrapbooking and reading, but do I have time for those things these days? Nope. But then again, I really can’t think of anything that I’d love to do now, anyway (Except sleep. That would be nice). It would be so easy for the kids and I to stay in our pj’s all day, but I have to force myself to get out of the house for Gabriella’s sake. She loves and needs to be kept busy, or she gets into trouble. Unfortunately, keeping busy often means spending money, but if it means saving my sanity then, oh well. I’ve been trying to plan a couple of outings a week for us just to get out of this house.

    As for the lack of sleep, getting Joshua to sleep in his own bed has been very trying. Gabriella was sleeping on her own at 12 weeks, but it’s been so hard this time. Other than the sleep problem, Joshua is a wonderful, sweet, happy baby, though, so I am grateful for that. I’ve been getting around 6 hours of INTERRUPTED sleep at night and I am feeling like such a zombie these days. I know it’s taking a toll on my health. My hair’s been falling out (which I know isn’t uncommon after pregnancy, but his has never happened to me before. Luckily I have pretty thick hair.) and I’ve just been feeling crappy in general. Exercise would be nice, but I’m not getting out in the heat to go walking (oh- and that would mean taking time for myself, wouldn’t it?) I have a treadmill, but I get sooo bored on it. I would love to do aerobics (not tapes, though. I get bored with those), but here’s no way we can afford a gym membership. Anyway, back to the lack of sleep. Last night(around 11:30pm) I was getting pretty frustrated going back and forth to Joshua’s room. He was crying and was very restless while I was nursing him. He just wasn’t hungry. I brought him downstairs to dh and told him that I needed help (I hardly ever do this since I understand that he has to get up at 6am to go to work. Oh, wait- I get up at that time “work”, too.) Dh has been sleeping on the couch since Joshua was born b/c we co-sleep (trying to break that habit). Anyway, he was asleep, but took Josh, no problem. I thought, great, now I can get maybe an hour or two of sleep in. WRONG! Five minutes later dh comes upstairs, drops Joshua off in our bed and heads to the bathroom. Uh, hello? Didn’t I just bring the baby to you?! So, he comes back to bed, Joshua is screaming, and I am laying there seriously thinking about hopping the car and driving off (or even sleeping in the car)! I mean, what an ***! Why did he think I brought J to him? Because I needed the exercise walking down the stairs? I do, but that’s not the point. I needed his help!!! How much more can I communicate this to him? The last few nights I’ve felt such a tightness in my chest that it’s been hard to even relax to TRY to get to sleep.

    I keep telling dh that I want to move closer to my family so that we can have help with the kids, maybe have some time as a couple (we SO need this) and I can be closer to my family. He said he would do it to make me happy, but has he tried? Nope. He’s waiting for a job to fall into his lap, I think. It’s not that he has this wonderful job right now anyway. We pretty much live off of commission, which sucks. He has a freaking degree in Business and can pretty much do anything. I feel like he’s so unmotivated sometimes. Talk about frustrating….

    Geez, this journal has turned into such a whinefest. I hate being such a whiner, but I have no one to talk to. I feel like when people ask how I’m doing, I have to say “Great! Just peachy!” Dh is especially bad about this. When he calls while he’s at work, he asks how I’m doing, but I know he only wants to hear the positive things. I love my husband and kids, don't get me wrong. I just want to cry sometimes, but I have to hold it in. I don’t want the kids to pick up on my unhappiness.

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    Today was a much better day. Dh and I talked last night and I told him how hurt I was that he didn't help w/ Josh the night before. He said he was half asleep and didn't realize I needed help. Whatever . he genuinely seemed upset that I've been stressed, depressed, etc, lately, but he doesn't know what to say/ do to make me feel better. Geez, I don't even know how to make ME feel better. I did feel happier (until I balanced the checkbook, that is) today, though.

    We met friends for lunch at Chick-fil-a today. It's so nice to just get out of the house. Gab really looks forward to our outings. She's so easy to please. She asks to go to Kroger! Too funny! I hope she always appreciates the simple things in life.

    Joshua took an hour nap this morning in his crib. When we got back from lunch, I tried to get Gab to nap, but she wouldn't. I was sooo tired! I even tried to get her to come lay down w/ me, while Joshua was in his swing. That didn't work, so I put Josh down for a nap and we played with the Leap Pad and then watched Beauty and the Beast. I thought for sure she'd fall asleep during it, but she didn't. Josh ended up sleeping 3 hours in his crib this afternoon! I was so amazed! If he can do it during the day, why not at night? I really think he's teething. That HAS to be the problem. He's drooling so much and always has his hands in his mouth. He was unusually fussy today, too. Not his usual happy self.

    Speaking of fussy little guys, dh just brought my fussy little man to me. Off to nurse! Hopefully he'll fall asleep so I can sleep. I'll probably just keep him with me tonight (like he doesn't end up in bed with me anyway!) since he's so uncomfortable. I have a feeling it'll be one of those marathon nursing nights.

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    Last night was so rough. I didn't even bother putting Joshua in his crib since he was teething so bad. He was sooo restless last night. I would get him to sleep and then he'd wake up about an hour later really restless. Now I'm wondering if it's a combination of a growth spurt and teething. After my rough night, Gabriella decided to come in our room this morning a little before 6am and was demanding tv. I felt like I had JUST gotten Josh to sleep and I was so afraid she'd woken him up. I sent her downstairs to dh, who was aslep on the couch. He kept her down with him until he had to get ready for work. Not that I could get back to sleep, though.

    I had a pretty crappy morning feeling sorry for myself and my lack of sleep. Of course my mom called at a bad time, so she had to listen to me whine. Her solution is for me to start having dh give Josh bottles at night so I can sleep. I tried explaining that bf is not the problem. Josh hardly wakes up to nurse anymore - just the past few days. Anyway, she agreed that if we moved closer, things would be easier. If I could only get dh motivated to look for a job there. He's so worried that his employer will find out that he's looking and he'll get fired. That happened to a guy he used to work with. I guess I understand that. Not that I have a choice.

    Good news!! G and J are napping at the SAME TIME today! Woo-hoo! Hap-py Dance! Well, I think I may try to get some rest while they're napping. Watch Josh wake up as soon as my head hits the pillow!

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    Yesterday we all went to The Wiggles concert. Gabriella had a blast singing and dancing. It was so cute to see how excited she was! Joshua even enjoyed it. I figured he'd fall asleep, but he sat on dh's lap and watched the entire show - didn't fuss once. I was pretty surprised that I didn't have to nurse him while we were there. He's starting to get better about going for longer periods of time between feedings.

    I really think Josh is going thru a growth spurt. Last night, I swear, he woke up to nurse about 5 times. when I woke up this morning, my lips were SO chapped and I was SO thirsty. Talk about draining! I've been trying to keep myself hydrated, but I guess I need more water than I thought.

    Today, I brought Josh to dh (who was already downstairs w/ G) at around 7am and then went back to sleep 'til 9am. Boy, was that nice! I felt so much better after sleeping without someone attached to me like velcro! Then dh announced that he was going to take G to see his parents and give me a little break! Is he trying to win points, or what? He even took her over there in her big girl panties (I packed extra clothes, just in case). I thought for sure he'd just put a pull-up on her. We'll see if she comes home with clothes she left here in!

    G's actually been doing pretty well w/ the potty training. She even poops in the potty. She still has a couple of accidents a day, but we're definitely making progress!

    I even got a new book at the library yesterday that I had put on hold - "The Devil Wears Prada". Talk about funny! It kind of reminds me of "Nanny Diaries", which I loved! Of course, it has to be back next week, so I'm really hustling trying to get through it. Kind of strange that I only get a week to read the book, though. Maybe b/c there are lots of people waiting for it?

    I just talked to my mom and they're leaving for their looonngg drive to Chicago for my bro's graduation. Mom sounded really excited to see Matt since it's been 9 weeks since he left for boot camp. I told her I hope they'll be able to recognize him. A couple of letters ago, he said that he'd lost 18lbs and 4% body fat. (I think I need to go to boot camp!) I can't wait to see pics of him is his cute little uniform! I'm sure he'll have tons of stories to tell my parents about what he's been up to, so that'll be interesting to hear about.

    OMG, Josh is asleep again! He just woke up from his nap about an hour and a half ago. This has GOT to be a growth spurt. I think I'll do a little reading while he's sleeping and enjoy my quiet time!

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    Took Gab to the allergist today b/c her eczema has flared up again. Poor baby keeps saying she's itchy. I honestly don't know why I bother taking her b/c none of the specialists we've seen really know what to do about it. They've given her a stronger steroid cream (lovely, huh?) that's mixed w/ Eucerin cream, but I can't (or I should say dh can't, since he does her baths and lotions) put in the creases of her skin, her face, or privates. We're supposed to use the Dermasmooth oil on those parts. We also got an oral med to help control the itching. I really, really hope this works. It seems like we find something that works for a little while, but then she becomes immune to it. The dr said we may just have to keep rotating the meds so she doesn't get used to them. If we had the money, I 'd take her to a Naturopath to see what they can do for her. There's one not too far away, but I know that insurance doesn't cover it.

    After our trip to the dr, I took the kids to the mall to pick up Joshua's 4 month pics. Talk about cute! Such a smiley little guy! I showed them to G and she said, "Where's Gab's pictures?" ( She refers to herself in the 3rd person sometimes.) I told her that she didn't take any b/c she wouldn't cooperate. We're going to try to take them again b/c they have the cutest matching sailor outfits. I'd like to get some taken of them together and then some of G by herself for her 3 year pics. She's so hard to photograph, though, so we'll see.

    Then we walked around the mall so I could try and find some shirts. No luck. Wy is it so hard to find shirts? Everything is either too short, or too tight for these bf boobs! Josh started to get fussy (unusual for him) and G started acting up, so we went home.

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    It's beena couple of days since my last entry. Told you I sucked at keeping up w/ journals! Anyway, after the fiasco at the dentist the other day, I came home and found one other dentist in our plan and made an appt. I made sure to ask if it was okay to bring Joshua with me when I go and they were fine w/ it.

    We've been lounging in our pj's around the house for the past couple of days. It's way too freakin' hot to go outside and I really don't even feel like going out. Of course, G's been watching entirely too much tv, so I feel kinda bad about that. Tomorrow we're going to visit friends, so that'll be fun.

    I have got to start exercise. Today I'm going to get on that damned treadmill and walk! I keep saying that every day, but do I do it? Hell, no! I wan to get back into my pre-preg clothes. I need to drop 2 sizes to get into them.

    Well, I hear Josh waking up from his nap. Maybe I'll stick him in his swing and he can laugh/ watch me while I walk on the treadmill. I hate exercise.

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    Okay, so yesterday I walked on the treadmill for a whopping 15 minutes! Hey - it's a start, right? I probably would have walked a little longer, but Josh started fussing. Both of my little angels are napping (yippee!), so I thought I'd do a quick journal entry and then do some walking.

    Today, after spending the last 2 days in our pj's, we went to play with some friends. We played for about an hour and a half, had a snack, and then we headed home since I told my mom we'd be home around 12. of course when I got home, there was a message from Matt (my bro) on the phone. So I quickly called him back on my mom's cell. It was SO good to hear from him. They were all getting ready to go and get some REAL food so we chatted for a bit about what's been going on.

    When I puit Gab down for her nap, she wanted to keep her big girl panties on so we'll see if she stays dry. She usually wakes from her nap dry. It's at night when she definitely has to wear a pull up. Her pull up was soaked this morning. I hope she's not going to be one of those kids who's 10 and still wets the bed. :P

    Not much going on this weekend. I have a tutoring workshop to go to tomorrow . What a waste of time. It's right in the middle of the day, too! I haven't tutored since before Josh was born, but I feel like if I don't go, then it won't look like I'm still interested. It would be nice if the owners would generate a little more business. I'm seriously thinking of putting up some tutoring signs on the bulletin board at the grocery store. We could really use the extra cash I'd make from tutoring. I could make more on my own anyway.

    Well, I'm off to walk!

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    I was 13 minutes into my big *workout* when Gabriella woke up. She had a different pair of underwear on than she had when I put her down for her nap, so I went to investigate. She has a tendancy to change underwear at least 10 times day since she has so many cute ones: Dora, Blues Clues, Disney Princess, etc. You name it, she's got it. Anyway, I checked her sheets and they were dry, but the underwear she originally had on were kind of damp, so I think she thought she'd be sneaky, change them and I wouldn't notice. :P Oh, well, at least I didn't have to change her sheets. I need to get another set of sheets for her bed for when we start night training. When ever that will be. I do not look forward to being woken up in the middle of the night to change tee-tee sheets.

    Dh came home at 5pm instead of the usual 6:30, so that was nice. We had chicken-sauted-in-a pan salad for dinner. I was too lazy to get out the George Foreman grill and grill the chicken. It probably would've tasted a whole helluva lot better if I had. I am so sick of chicken! I swear that's all we ever eat. I need to get some new recipes.

    I just put he kids in bed for the night (well, at least Gab). Josh doesn't stay asleep longer than an hour when I put him down. What is up with that? I'm going to go and check on him and try to get him to go back to sleep. I know he's not hungry. I really think he just wants to play. The past few nights when I've gone to get him, he just lays in bed and laughs. It's so incredibly cute but he needs to learn that it's bedtime, not playtime. It's hard to be firm, when I just want to cuddle and play with my little guy! :P

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    This has been such a sucky weekend (not that our weekends are anything spectacular usually ). I went to my useless tutoring workshop yesterday. On my way out, the owners asked me if I'm "back in business". Ummm...Didn't I email you guys TWICE to let you know that I wanted to pick up tutoring again?! They even emailed me back so I KNOW they got my messages. Stupid. So, now I wait. Hopefully something will come up. After the workshop, I ran over to Target and got the kids some new bathtoys. The ones they had were getting really nasty, so I tossed those out. G was so excited to get new ones. She wanted to play with them as soon as I got home - on the carpet!

    Today, I tried a new enchilada recipe and they came out sooo gross. Why do I bother cooking? Dh didn't even say anything, so I know he thought they were pretty gross. I get so sick of eating the same crap over and over again that I thought I'd try a new recipe. Oh, well.

    I swear, dh has been watching that friggin' tv all day. I know it's the weekend, but COME ON! Gabriella has been so bored today. Would it be too much for him to play with his daughter instead of watching "Rocky"? Our lives are so boring. My life is the same 7 days a week. You'd think that on the weekends there'd be a little variety. Nope. Same old sh#$. I want to move so badly. I need to be closer to my family. We have nothing here and it's so lonely. We'd actually have things to do on the weekend if we moved. I want the kids to grow up with family around them (like I did). Dh didn't have that growing up, so he doesn't know what they're missing.

    Dh is outside right now w/ G helping her ride her bike. Gee - it's 6pm and he decide to interact w/ his daughter! We'll see how long this lasts.

    I'm going to talk to dh again about moving tonight. I know he's scared about leaving his job and doing something different, but I really think he needs to take the chance for us and our marriage. We need time alone as a couple. If we moved, there would be lots of people to watch the kids for us if we ever wanted to get out alone.

    Gosh. I feel so whiney. I should be so grateful for 2 healthy kids, but I can't stop feeling so sorry for myself lately. I know i need to snap out of it. Well, i hear dh and G, so I'm gong to close for now.

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    Another rough night last night w/ Joshua. why won't my sweet little guy sleep at night? Even a few hours straight in his own bed would be nice. I hate to compare my 2 kids, but Gab was such a good sleeper (after the 12 week mark). She slept in her OWN bed all thru the night. Joshua will fall asleep in his own bed, but he'll only stay asleep for 1 1/2 (that's the "magic" length of time he always sleeps). I usually let him fuss for a little while to see if he can get himself back to sleep, but Gabriella's asleep in the next room and I don't want him to wake her up. I end up going to get him, bring him in bed with me, and nurse 'til he falls asleep. A terrible habit, I know, but I need sleep. Anyway, he falls asleep, but then wakes up around an 1 1/2 later and we repeat this all night long!! I don't know what else to do besides getting ear plugs for Gabriella! I keep telling myself that at least he falls asleep and starts out in his own bed. That has to be a good sign, right?

    To make matters worse, G was up at 6am this morning, comes in our room in her usual loud voice and wakes up Josh!! If I could figure out how to get him in his own bed sometime before 6am, at least he'd get to sleep without being woken up.

    Switching gears here. I talked w/ dh about moving again. He understands how I feel about it, but he wants to find a job theredoing what he's doing now. Hedoes not want to try anything new (even though he's not happy with his job). Basically that means we'll be here forever. So frustrating. Well, the kids are getting antsy. I'll try to get back on later.
    Monique
    Gabriella 7/16/00
    Joshua 3/9/03

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