MY Wide Open Spaces...

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MY Wide Open Spaces...

Well, the start of a new journal Wink …don’t know if I can preserve my old one or not! It may be WAY too much work, ya know. So I need a new name. Won’t post this today until I think up something different… :idea:

Last week was rough…getting back from vacation, 2 sick days (1 for me, 1 for Zackery), 1.5 days at work…whew! Glad it’s over. The weekend was fantastic outside. We spent both days outside from morning until night. I really like that…but didn’t want to “work” outside all weekend. Zackery & I played a lot, and DH worked a lot. His choice; I tried to stop him several times.

Back to WeightWatchers. I’ve got 13 more pounds to loose and by golly I WILL DO IT! I want that weight gone for the start of summer…I WILL DO IT! Once I accomplish that, I can work on maintaining that weight. That doesn’t seem to be too hard for me…it’s the strictness of trying to lose that I’m struggling with right now. BUT, now that daylight savings has kicked in, I’ll be out exercising more. I think I’ll go rollerblading tonight!

It’s a quiet day so far. I just wish I was at home with my boy instead of working fulltime! I’m very bored at work, and long not to be here. Can’t change that right now, but we’re working toward that goal!

Bunko is at my house tomorrow night. While I like Bunko, I despise having it at my house. Why? Because it’s during the week. That’s the only time this group meets. People usually have huge spreads too of food. But, I’m not gonna do much b/c I don’t have the extra $$ to buy stuff to make a huge spread. I’m SO productive at work, NOT, that I just made a short list of what I’m gonna make. That’ll just have to be good enough…about ½ of these ladies in this group are VERY stuck up, and I just don’t feel like dealing with them in my house. UGH! I’m gonna make (taking the EASY way out here – and don’t really care) brownies, rice krispy treats, spinach dip & crackers or bread, baked cream cheese & crackers, and sweet & sour meatballs. That’s it! And I’ll barely have time for that! I HATE entertaining sometimes…I did SO much of it during the Fall and Holiday months last year, that I’m NOT interested in entertaining anytime soon! UGH! It’ll be over soon enough right??? I joined another Bunko group in the neighborhood, and they’re meeting this Thursday evening. Now these ladies are fun, down to earth, and most importantly NOT stuck up! Won’t mind them at all!!! Strange isn’t it…this is supposed to be fun. But the stuck up group is bitchy and VERY competitive. Fun, hah! NO way. I think I’m gonna quit that group and stick with the new group. I’ll do my duty and then I’m outta there!

So, I’ve gotta get some groceries during lunch today. Fun!
:shock:

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Tuesday...a new day!

Really wish I had time to copy over my other journal…but I really don’t. So, starting anew I guess! :?

Yesterday was, well, a MONDAY! It was fine until the ride home. :x It took me 2 hours to get home when it normally takes 45 minutes (that includes picking up DS). A tractor trailer jack-knifed on the interstate and traffic sucked!!! Zackery was in his carseat, not moving on the road, for over 1.5 hours. :shock: He did okay, but started getting ancy after a while. Can’t say I blame him either… Then the MAD rush once we got home. Cooking dinner – cancelled. Told DH that I just couldn’t do that. I had to make everything for Bunko tonight at my house. I was in a horrible mood. But first I had to unload my car full of groceries. And…Zackery wanted to play outside. Backyard where he can’t get out and I can watch him from the kitchen – WASN’T good enough. Imagine that. It had to be the frontyard. Not happening sir. Then he stepped in dog shit. Then he had a poopy diaper. Then he was hungry. UGH! What a miserable evening. I managed to get everything done for tonight and handle Zackery. I TOTALLY DESPISE having people over these days. I just HATE it! I’m surely not gonna be able to enjoy bunko tonight anyway. I’m quitting this group! :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

Got Zackery bathed and ready for bed. He has a routine where he watches Bob the Builder after bathing. It was already 8:30pm. Already past his bedtime, but he was begging. So I let him watch it for 15 minutes. It is his way of winding down, so I have to let him do that! (Being as I totally didn’t get to spend ANY time with him that evening. I feel REALLY bad about that too.) Got him to bed and I showered.

What happened next was FANTASTIC! DH and I really needed some :sex: with each other. It was MAGNIFICENT! We went on forever. (Both tired today, but it was worth it.) Something to be said about good adult movie action in the background! Lol It was GREAT! We’re still hornier than ever, and both loving it! Can’t seem to get enough of each other…and can’t say that’s what I wanted after my horrible evening – but it did erase everything aggravating and made us both WAY happy!!!
:love3:

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It's reality...

Well what I hoped wouldn’t happen has! It’s been made perfectly clear to me, by me, just how unhappy I really am at my job. I’m terribly unhappy and now ready to do something about it. Fact is, I have to work right now. That won’t change anytime soon (one day it will, but not in the next year or so).

Other people have noticed over time, and now I know it’s really true. What’s it like everyday for me? Waking up, looking forward to a new day only to come spin my wheels at work not getting anything accomplished b/c so much of what I do depends on other people (and let’s face it, system documentation is just not a high priority for many while it’s my whole job), wishing I was able to stay at home with my son while the days and months and soon years just pass me right by with missing out on so much of his life! I spend ALL my time with him while I’m not at work and it’s always good, quality time…but 40 hours a week I’m not there for him. That has bothered me since the day I started back to work after he was born. I know many women struggle with this, and I’ve been struggling with it for 2.5 years now. Today – it hit me after talking with the guy I do most of my work for (not my supervisor though) that I’m truly unhappy! And of course I cannot be totally honest with anyone here at work about this fact – b/c I need a paycheck.

I wanted a career several years ago. I finally got there the summer we were TTC’n for Zackery. One year later, all that went right out the window. I’m not interested in being anything but a Mom and Wife. That doesn’t mean I throw all my experience and knowledge away…it just means, for me, that life has taken a different turn. Being a Mom for me is the hardest task I’ve ever undertaken in my life…and it’s the most rewarding. Why do I have to feel that I cannot have anymore children until I don’t have to work? I cannot do this to another child. I cannot do this to myself. That’s why we’re not even thinking about TTC’n anytime soon. How fair is that for life and family??? NOT very. Yeah I know life isn’t fair…but why does it have to be so unhappy!!!! :cry: :cry: :cry:

Oh well, maybe it can be remedied temporarily. I’m not crazy. I just want to work less and spend more time with my family. Point made clearly in my previous journal entry about SO much f*cking wasted time at work and on the road. This SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :cry: :cry: :cry:

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It’s been a while for me. I was tempted yesterday to journal, but got busy with other things. Things at work are NOT fun these days. Pretty bad when I have to wear my mouthguard during the day b/c the stress is making me clench my jaw so bad! I’ve been unhappy for a while, and last week was the proverbial “icing on the cake”. I’m totally being micro-managed by someone who isn’t even my boss.

Here’s the story. I’m a technical writer at a research laboratory. My position was created this way…my supervisor would be in 1 group (the Operations group), but 95% of my work would be done for another group (the Engineering group). It worked well for 1.5 years. I’ve built a terrific working relationship with the Engineering group which is important as I need their expertise to get my job done. In the midst of all this, I have the unfortunate privilege of not only working with, but sharing a freaking office with the other technical writer…a complete asshole in my opinion, extremely controlling, but SO not my boss. He’s the tech writer for the same supervisor as me but his work is strictly for the Operations group. ALL these people around here think he’s just wonderful…NOT! Still with me???

So 1 year ago, the Engineering group was reorganized. Went from 25 people to 80+ people. Okay then. It’ll settle out just fine. The problem has come from the “guy” I now “work” for in the Engineering group as it changed in the reorg.

Note here: This guy and my supervisor have a terrible history working together and basically dislike each other completely!!! Hasn’t been a problem until 3 weeks ago…now I’m stuck in the middle and MISERABLE!

This guy and my supervisor…BOTH VERY difficult to work with…BOTH VERY controlling know-it-all jackass men!!! They both dislike each other, and won’t work together with ME to get the results for both sides now. I’m the punching bag and have bent over backwards for the last time with these jerks. Tell me, how productive can one be with this attitude?!?!?!

B/c of the reorg, documentation fell to the bottom of everyone’s list. Pretty normal, but I’ve worked hard over the last year to keep it floating. Now they both want WAY more than 1 person can give. Even heard talk of adding another tech writer…fine by me.

SO, the engineering guy has decided to push me hard. Give me a freaking break. He’s micromanaging me and he’s not even my boss. My boss happens to be out right now b/c of neck surgery. I’ve not heard back from him on any of this. I totally don’t mind proving to others what I do, but it’s already been done. I’m being treated like a 1st grader and HATE it! A meeting with this guy last week sealed things for me. He started comparing me to the ALMIGHTY office mate that he just LOVES. I was PISSED beyond belief. It made me realize how UNHEALTHY this place is for me. I’ve been just pushing it under the rug for a loooooooooong time now. I’m miserable, and it’s getting worse. It won’t do much good to talk about all this much with my supervisor b/c he’s a total hardhead too…and he TOO wants me to be just like ALMIGHTY dickhead office mate!

I told this engineering guy yesterday at our now stupid weekly meetings that I didn’t appreciate ANYONE around here comparing me to Tom. I don’t want to be compared to him, and don’t expect to be either. I have VERY high marks over my 10 years out here in the real world, and have always been an independent worker. I’m not interested in being compared and treated like a 1st grader.

PLUS, NOW engineering guy and roommate are sneaking around. He has roommate “watching” me. They’re in cahoots with each other. Can we say I’m PISSED??? And last week, I pulled into the parking lot after lunch. Since we share an office, they can’t very well talk about me in there. What do I see? The 2 of them outside the building in the parking lot. As I passed I could hear some of the conversation. It was TOTALLY OBVIOUS that was being talked about. Then they clammed up! That’s what sent me over the edge. This isn’t petty stuff…this is an unhealthy working environment for ME!

So, what am I doing about it? Signing up this week, after stupidly dragging my feet, for the medical transcription course. I decided last summer that’s what’s best for me and my family, did all the research and everything. Eventually, it’ll be an outlet so I can work from home. It’s what I need, and what my family needs. I absolutely cannot be doing this same rat race when we want to have another child. I can’t….that would probably kill me. I struggle too much now. And, I can’t just quit working b/c we need at least part of my income…and that won’t change much in the next year or 2. It just won’t. So I’m going to do the course study over some months (I’d like to accelerate it), and then go from there!

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Boy, today would’ve been a GREAT day to take a Zackery/Mommy day. We’re due for one. I can only go along for a little while b/4 it’s time for another day for just us. (Weekends don’t count b/c we’re always SO busy.) So I’m gonna watch the forecast and pick a Friday in the next 2 weeks, and spend the day giving Zackery 100% of my attention. The possibilities are endless… BiggrinBiggrinBiggrinBiggrinBiggrin

Had a nice evening last night. Left work at 4:00 on the dot. Not a minute later…I refuse to work overtime…that’s the norm around here. I’m like the oddball b/c I get to work right when I have to be here in the AM and leave everyday not a second past 4pm. Oh well…I do have a life outside of this place.

Made dinner and then went outside with Zackery. It was windy as a storm couldn’t decide whether to occur or not…dark clouds on one side and sunshining on the other. So, I tried to get the kite up into the air. No luck…Zackery thought it was funny. DH pulled in, and we rode to the front of the neighborhood to look at a swingset someone has in their backyard. We need something. We don’t want to spend 100’s of dollars on those wooden fort / swingset things. They’re really nice, and we’d prefer to have one. But just can’t afford it. I also don’t want just a plain ole metal one. The one we saw was cool! It looked like one in between. I’m gonna call the lady tonight and ask about where she got it from. Hope she doesn’t mind! :idea:

Ate dinner, bathed, Zackery did his nightly ritual of winding down with Bob the Builder. He was in bed by 8:15 and so was I. AF has wiped me out this week. :oops:

Meeting DH for lunch today…seems like it’s been a while since we met for lunch. The van is being serviced so I don’t have a car b/c DH needed his b/c he has a meeting at another building today. It’s gonna be a pain getting the van later today, but hopefully everything will be fixed. We have the “Mac Daddy” of warranties, so I’ve already been told it’s all covered. Whew! Wink

My meeting with one of the buttholes at work got cancelled for tomorrow! YAY for me! Good way to end the week! I’m gonna take Denyse’s advice and search for contract work where I can work from home. I still intend to do the medical transcription stuff, but this is something I cannot ignore! Wish me luck…I hope today will be a GREAT day!

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Crazy day yesterday…van was in for service and we didn’t get it back until late yesterday evening. B/c the area where I work at the lab is behind a fence and guard shack, DH couldn’t bring me to my office. I had to walk. Exercise is good, but 4 times yesterday became a PITA! We didn’t get home until 7pm. That part really stunk. Zackery wanted to go outside so bad, but we managed to distract him of that. He ate a little dinner, and I folded and put away the laundry. Watched Friends for a little while and got Zackery ready for bed. He watched Bob and I showered. Got him in bed about 8:30pm…not too bad b/c he still needs his “wind down from the day” time watching Bob the Builder. I crawled into bed right after him. Watched 1 episode of Sex in the City DVD, and fell asleep at some point.

Gotta call Ford back…2 things are wrong now that weren’t wrong yesterday when I dropped the van off. What a PITA!!!

So today it’s 1 meeting at work (1 I don’t mind), and then back to the grind. Got some research to do also on working at home. I really want to go to Walmart during lunch and get Zackery a sandbox with sand and toys. I know that’ll be at least $50, and I really can’t afford it right now. I suck SO bad. Guess I’ll just wait…the weather is supposed to be yucky this weekend anyway. So I’ll just go look and plan. I’ve gotta get milk anyway, and I don’t want to stop on the way home.

Kinda not sure what to fix for dinner tonight. I better figure something out though…it’s gotta be weightwatchers too. I’ve GOT to lose these last pounds…I MUST!

Be back later!

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What a day. I’m ready to go home. 20 more minutes. I got the van back to get fixed again. They gave me a rental car b/c the logistics of yesterday would kill me if I had to do that again today. DH needs a car both these days b/c he had meetings at a different site both days. (I’ll be happy when he moves into the new Corporate building in 2 weeks. Makes life easier when we have car issues.) The van was fixed by the time I got back to work. (I stopped and dropped the rental off at DH’s work and I took his car b/c it has the carseat in it. Plus, he’s gonna go get the van after work tonight so I don’t have to.)

He told me last night he’s taking a short break from WeightWatchers. While I cannot afford to do that, I’m gonna be a little lenient on myself for the next week. Back to strict dieting May 1st. I’m WW’ing it during the day, but easing up at dinner. SO, since I could not figure out what to have for dinner, I picked up lasagne and garlic bread (both NOT WW) for dinner when I stopped this morning to get milk. That’ll be SO easy…I haven’t had an easy dinner like that in 3 months. WW is much easier to maintain than lose with. How do I know that? Cuz I’ve basically been maintaining for the last month. Can’t wait to reach my goal!!! Still…that gives me just a month if I do it right b/c I set June 1st for myself. 13 more pounds to go…it can be done b/c I lost 13 pounds in February. Plus I better get my butt out there exercising!

Been a quiet day at the office…that’s a GOOD thing.

Wonder how Zackery did today pottying? He’s growing up SO fast. I cuddled him the other night and a lullaby came on that I used to rock and rock and rock him singing when he was a baby. I seriously believe I had flashbacks…it was peaceful. I think I’m getting closer…we’ll see. DH is hinting around, but he knows that I have to REALLY be ready. And one key note here…I absolutely cannot be working when we have #2. So we obviously still need some time! But it was a wonderful feeling I got that night!

Gotta go pick up that boy and get home. Hopefully it’ll be a relaxing evening!

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Nice weekend we had. DH was helping a friend move Fri night and Sat morning. I let Zackery stay up later than usual as we were watching Toy Story 2 together. It was a special evening for us…I enjoyed that with him. Dirol

Saturday morning, after a bit of tidying up, Zackery & I went to run some errands. It was nice. We had lunch at Chick-fil-a and he played in their play yard. Got home and Dh was right behind us. Zackery took a short nap, and I chilled out watching Sex In The City dvd. Once he woke up, DH wanted to go get a haircut. We’d been talking to Zackery all week about getting a haircut with Daddy (as he’s been getting them by US in the garage for a long time now). After my 2 experiences with him at the haircut places over a year ago, I wasn’t going to try it again for a looooong time! DH went first. Then Zackery actually let the girl cut his hair. Hello!?!?!?!? Blum 3 It looks SO much better than when we do it. At least it’s all even. DH promised him a cookie if he let them cut his hair. So we went next door and got him a nice frosted cookie from the bakery. Got home, bathed him b/c of all the hair, and we just hung out after that. I let him finish watching Toy Story 2, and we snuggled on the couch (the weather outside was yucky). Wasn’t long and it was time for date night. Biggrin Picked up Cassie and Zackery wasn’t too happy…but we gotta get out on occasion. They had movies, toys and snacks plenty. We went to a local Italian restaurant that we’ve heard was so good. It was DELICIOUS! Then walked around the mall til movie time. Say “Confidence”. It was pretty darn good. Edward Burns is a major HOTTIE! Got home around 12:15am…whew! Of course Zackery went to bed later and woke up yesterday morning at 6:15am. How’s that for Murphy’s Law?!?! Guess that was our payback! :crazed:

So we were very tired yesterday morning. :sleepy1: Got dressed and went to the Coffee Beanery for breakfast treats and coffee! YUM! It was a gorgeous day outside too! I knew we’d be outside all day. Did some yardwork, went to Target and spent some money! Got Zackery some new sneakers, a pair of sandles, and some squirt guns! I even got 2 tops. DH bought a few things for himself. It was FUN! Back home to finish yardwork and play outside. Grilled some hamburgers (that were delicious). Zackery didn’t nap yesterday, so I knew he’d be exhausted by day’s end. He came inside around 5:30pm and told me he was tired, his feet hurt, and he needed to rest on the couch! HUH?!?!? He sounded like a little man. Go figure. So I bathed him, got his pj’s on, and he watched a movie. We ate, got him to bed at 7:30pm (later than it should’ve been but he got his 2nd wind). Showered, watched some tv, and had some gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood sex twice! :sex: It was SO good. We still have not lost our groove and still are hornier than ever!

Start of a new week. Will have a busy weekend next weekend, but it’s fun stuff. Got the rest of my office furniture today, and I’m finally organized. Gotta get back to work!

Oh, DH called me during lunch and I met him at the gate. He brought me a treat…the new Dixie Chicks cd. Listening to it now…it’s GREAT!
Smile

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I meant to journal yesterday, but time got away from me. Monday evening was uneventful. Yesterday I had to be home in the morning for the exterminator. The ants are coming in through the 2nd story windows. Go figure! So DH took Zackery to school for me so he wouldn’t miss Tumblebus. I got up at the normal time…debated on going back to bed or doing chores. Which is more inviting? Well, I did the opposite. Since it was sheet day, I changed the sheets on our bed and Zackery’s bed. I changed out all the towel. Got all that washing. Folded the laundry (2 baskets) from the weekend. Note: I’ve changed my laundry schedule so I’m not pressured to get it all done by Sunday evenings anymore. I wash and dry over the weekend. Fold and put away by Tuesday night. And linens are changed out on Tuesdays. (I was really dreading it on Saturday mornings b/c I spent most of my morning doing laundry related work, and b/4 I knew it, too much time had already passed.) Then I got dressed, went downstairs and swept the floors, and cleaned the kitchen. Back upstairs to take care of some things in the office. Then the bugman showed up. I left for work about 10am. Stopped at Starbuck’s for a large hot chocolate, and then to ToysRUs to look at outdoor gym sets. Got to work about 11am. It was a WONDERFUL morning! Even got to tune into Good Morning America while I was busy with chores. Everything was in its place when I got home yesterday. DH said he’d pick up Zackery so I could enjoy some time to myself after work. What a GREAT DH!!! So I watched 2 episodes of Sex in the City, and cooked dinner (tacos). They got home, had the normal battles with Zackery, ate dinner, went outside, bathed him, and to bed he went by 8:15pm. That KIDDO was still awake at 9:30pm. He NEVER does this. I was SO aggravated! I had to lay with him til he fell asleep…which pissed me off b/c we don’t usually do that. DH was already snoozing.

This morning sucked b/c he was so tired. By the time I got to work this morning at 8am, I was exhausted. I’ve already worn myself out for the day. I’m so tired…don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need some good sleep. I need to not work anymore. I need a break! Zackery is wearing me out…physically and mentally these days. Especially the last 2 days. AF was last week, so that has nothing to do with it. I eat healthy, take vitamins everyday…but I haven’t been exercising at all. I’m SO lazy sometimes. Really need to do that!

Supposed to have lunch with a mom from Zackery’s class that works here…I don’t want to at ALL! I’m not up for lunch with anyone today. This is rescheduled, so I don’t know how to get out of it! UGH! I’m flat ass broke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow is payday, but it won’t help much b/c I never have extra $$ till 15th payday. Need to refinance my house so I can save some $$ each month. That’s a chore, but it has to be done!

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Friday is almost here! :kaos3: Yesterday I stopped off at Target on my way to get Zackery. I wanted to get him a bug hut that I saw over the weekend. It’s a little wooden bug house. He’s been loving watching the caterpillars, so I knew he’d like it. It was only $3.99. I also got him 3 more shirts. Seems like he’s fine with shorts for the next couple of months…still able to wear most of last year’s shorts. That’s good!!! We got home, and I wasn’t planning to cook dinner. Saw the abc box on the front porch…some stuff I ordered came in. Then we made our way outside at around 5:45 or so. Found 3 caterpillars and put some grass in the bughut for them. (like they cared) We stayed outside til DH got home (something like 7pm or so). Got Zackery inside with no trouble…imagine that! That never happens. Fed him some dinner, bathed him, and then he watched Bob the Builder like he likes to do in the evenings. But b/c of our crazy evening schedule lately, that hasn’t been happening. I had ordered a pizza, and all 3 of us sat on the couch and ate pizza. It was a treat b/c we never order pizza, and never sit on the couch to eat dinner. I took a shower while Zackery watched his show. Got him to bed at 8:30pm, and this time he was out! DH and I had some goooooooooooooood sex!!! I watched the last episode on the Sex in the City dvd, and can’t wait to get the next disc. I fell asleep sometime after that! Dirol

This morning was fine…Zackery was cooperative which always helps me out! I’ve been in meetings most of the day…boring! I went to lunch at Chick-fil-a and sat outside. Today is gorgeous outside. I’m due for a “sick day” anytime now. I started reading a book my neighbor has loaned me. “Shattering the Two-Income Myth” Read the first chapter and this book makes so much freaking sense! I just don’t want to dwell on it until it’s time for it to happen that I can quit work…b/c I’m afraid of dwelling on it. I don’t want to get depressed about it…I want to learn how to make this work! I WILL succeed! :?

On page 5, something I’ve already noted: “Making money requires spending money and, if no one is home to look after children, maintain the house, buy food intelligently, prepare meals, purchase clothes on sale, obtain price quotes for major repairs…you’ll be spending big bucks for the privilege of joining the nine-to-five parade.”
:shock: Privilege…horse hocky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grilled flounder, baked potato, broccoli, and salad for dinner!

Oh yeah, UPS says my new vacuum cleaner should be on my doorstep today! YIPPEE!
Smile

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TGIF!!! Weekends are SO needed…wish they were longer. Wish I could just be around home each day of the week. Life for me is SO much more peaceful when I’m home…everything around me goes much more pleasant when I’m not working. I pray God answers my prayers…I won’t give up praying about it either!

Got my new vacuum cleaner last night. DH put it together for me. It’s the Mack Daddy of vacuums. I did tons of research on vacuums b/c I didn’t want yet another piece of junk! It has everything I wanted, and is very highly rated. It’s a Kenmore…Consumer Reports listed it as the #1 vacuum on the market (for uprights). Sears had it on sale for $249 last week. It’s SO nice…can’t wait to try it out later today.

I’m not getting anything accomplished at work today…and don’t much care. There’s a catered pig roast YUMMY today at work at 1pm. I hope to be out there for the duration of the day. Depends on how much fun I’m having I guess. Brought my chair and some bug spray. Looks like the sun is trying to peak out…hope so b/c it’ll warm up a bit then.

Sort of a busy weekend ahead. Not much happening tonight. It may be raining this evening…we’ll see. If so, Zackery & I will snuggle up and watch Stuart Little I think. If not, we’ll all be outside, Zackery will play, and DH & I will sit watching him drinking some frosty beverages. Tomorrow we’re going bike riding on Colonial Parkway. Every year the parkway is closed down for a few hours on a specific Saturday, and people ride their bikes on it. Should be fun…it’ll be hard b/c I’m not in shape at all, but DH will be there with me. Zackery will be on the back of my bike. After that, DH has to go into work for a bit to unpack the crate in his office b/c they’re moving today into a brand new corporate building. That shouldn’t take too long. Then we’re headed to a friend’s house for a Derby party (Kentucky Derby). We’re just going for food, drinks, and socializing. Oops, I better figure out something to bring. Damn, I totally forgot. Should’ve brought my new cookbook with me today. Guess I’ll be going out to the store tonight.

Sunday we’re just going to church, and to breakfast. No other plans.

I do expect to have several escapades with DH over the weekend…it has been 2 days now. We’re usually hotter for each other over the weekends too b/c we’re not dragging from the workday! Ooh la la!!!

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Nice weekend. Weather was crazy, but ended on a sunny note. However, my mood ended on a yucky note. What else…MONEY! When DH does bills on Sunday nights, you can bet your life that I’ll get in trouble for something money related. Not his fault...100% mine. He's just trying to pay bills. I'm SO not spending money on frivilous shit either (mortgage ,groceries, daycare, necessities - that's it...there's never anything left). I’m so depressed about this. I got so sick over this that I couldn’t sleep last night. Maybe 5 hours…while that’s plenty for others, that’s NOTHING for me. I’m dragging today, and cannot shut my mind off from this lovely subject.

Why am I working? I’m ONLY working so that I can go further into debt. When does this shit end??? I can barely make the daycare payments. I scrape to get the f*ing mortgage each month…this month is NO different. Groceries…yeah right??? What a joke. Fun stuff or necessities – BIG FAT joke!

I just don’t see how my living in this horrid rat race is getting me any further ahead…so I got no sleep, and this problem never goes away!
:x

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How do you do it? How do I forget about all the stressors in my life? I don’t want to go through now being unhappy…what the hell is wrong with me? Life’s too short for unhappiness. I just don’t know how to let it all go – how do I let all this stress just go?

My husband and my son are wonderful. I have a supportive extended family. Yet I feel suffocated and alone. I don’t like this at all. I don’t like the way my life is going right now. I don’t have anything good to think about when it comes to work except that I get a paycheck for it. How sad is that. And that paycheck doesn’t go very far. I want to give my son the world, but how can I do that if I have little money to put groceries in the house???

All of my stress and resentment for months now is due to my job, and every few weeks it’s back in my face how little money I have for stuff. There is NOTHING in my life that is fancy…not a f*ing damn thing.

I don’t think I’m depressed…or maybe I am. I don’t know what that’s like. I just know that I’m terribly unhappy right now. It’s hard to put a smile on my face when I’m at this place called work.

I’m losing my way…I want to find it, but don’t know how. I’m lost!

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Another day. Yesterday I was very gloomy. We got home and I got dinner started. The good thing about yesterday was that I ate very healthy and banked 5.5 points. Biggrin That’s how to lose weight on WeightWatchers. If I would just exercise, it would come off so much easier. Zackery wanted dinner, so he and I sat down to eat b/4 Dh came home (it was 6:30 by then). I don’t like to eat without all 3 of us being at the table, but sometimes he has to work later. Then we went upstairs. I was so solemn. Zackery played in the playroom and watched Bob the Builder. I laid on my bed and watched Friends. DH got home. Zackery went to bed around 7:30pm, and I ran a hot bath. I just wanted to soak in a hot bath. I invited DH in, he came with me, but got out to tend to Zackery. Guess he wasn’t wanting to soak with me, and I really wasn’t in the mood for anything else. After my bath, I got a snack and some water. I was in bed by 8:15pm…watched some tv, and got sleepy YAY!!! Lights were out b/4 9pm. :thumbsup:

I feel more rested this morning, but my money problems are still there. DH says don’t worry, it’ll all work out. He’s right…he’s always right! But it sucks being broke…using ALL of our money to pay bills or not for lack of $$, yada yada yada. :x

So far today I’ve had a banana and oatmeal to eat. 4.5 points. I know I’ll behave today too. Have a Lean Cuisine and apple or pear for lunch. Then WW meatloaf, WW mashed potatoes, green beans, salad for dinner. Should be DELICIOUS! :sillywink: The key to WW is low fat.

I told DH yesterday that Mother’s Day was cancelled. I didn’t want him spending any $$ for that. It’s just not in the budget right now. He said, and I quote, “Hell no it isn’t cancelled”. Okay then. He emailed me this morning that we’ll go to Church, out to eat, and we’ll make homemade icecream for a treat that evening. Well that does sound like a great plan to me!!! Biggrin

10 more days until payday! How sad am I??? I’m such a loser sometimes. Don’t even want to think about work today…I’m starting to come up for air, and that’ll bring me back down. I’m REALLY REALLY REALLY ready to call in sick for 1 to 2 days. It’s likely that will occur later this week (I pray the weather forecast improves). Or maybe I should just do it regardless of the stupid weather! I could REALLY use a 3-4 day weekend…we’ll see how it goes!!! :clown:

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Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

Dragon tales and the “water is wide”
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you…

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels’ wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer’s all tuckered out
Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we’ll find the mouse
And I love you…

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels’ wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears “Amen” wherever you are
And I love you…

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels’ wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Dixie Chicks, 2002

This song says EVERYTHING and more that I feel for my sweet son! Mommy loves you always Zackery!!!

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It’s Wednesday…week is almost over! It’s actually sunshining outside…YIPPEE! Tonight is Bunko, and I need an evening out. I’m looking forward to it. That means no cooking for me. We have leftovers from Monday and Tuesday we can eat. So if it’s not raining this evening, then Zackery will be thrilled to know we can play outside.

I’m getting more and more tempted to call in sick tomorrow and Friday. Really I am. I want a break…I want a break from work! I want a day or so to just spend with Zackery too. Those 2 things are enough to make me seriously consider it. Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be nice. Just ease dropped this morning for directions on where to go to pick strawberries. I did this the summer b/4 Zackery was born, and it was fun. Plus the strawberries were awesome. I’m thinking…maybe Zackery & I could take the ferry over there tomorrow (if I call in sick) and pick fresh strawberries. He would have a fantastic time helping me with that. I need to make up my mind!

Not much else is happening today. I did really good on my diet yesterday too. Banked 1 more point. I’m SO hungry right now though. I have a lean cuisine and fruit for lunch – and for dessert, Diet Coke. Pretty exciting huh…I’m sitting here thinking about everything I want to eat…that’s BAD! I’ll have to eat my lunch early so that temptation will go away. DH is going to lunch with some people…I think at Quizno’s. I’m jealous…but wasn’t invited. AND…b/c I’m freaking BROKE, I can’t go. That kinda stinks…whatever!

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I’m so terribly sad…and it just stinks! I’m very very very sad!

I played Bunko last night with a new group of ladies in the neighborhood. It was fun, and we laughed a lot. But, 90% of them are SAHM, and it’s completely obvious that they have a great SAH network going. I think it’s fantastic for them, but it makes me SO freaking sad that I cannot SAH with Zackery, and have my family live a less stressful life. It’s not jealousy, it’s not envy…it’s just simple sadness!

What the hell is wrong with me? DH is being really distant…I asked him what was up this morning and he acted like nothing was wrong. With the exception of Monday’s financial realization, I’ve been fine this week. AND, he knows I want to SAH, but I don’t say anything to him about it ever. What good would that do? It’s not fair to him b/c he can’t change our situation. I know he would if he could. I feel lonely and sad!

I’m sitting here at work with tears in my eyes. These women I’m talking about are very friendly, help each other out, do lots of activities during the week, middle class like me, have young children, etc. It just makes me SO sad that I cannot afford to do the same. I abhor working, especially at this job. I abhor the rat race. I abhor rushing dinners during the week. I abhor rushing on the weekends to beat the clock just to start f*cking over on Monday. I abhor it all!!!

I left work yesterday planning to call in sick today…spend the day with Zackery. But I felt too f*cking guilty. Plus didn’t feel right with DH. How much fun would we have then? So I’ve decided that I will call in sick tomorrow…and very likely on Monday.

I keep praying to God to show us an avenue to find a way for me to SAH…without going broke or further into debt! Is He listening????????????????????????

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Boy, I want more time away from this place…this place being work! God, it sucks! :homework: I’m still jumping through hoops for these assholes. What do these f*ing men want from me... :evil:

I played hooky on Friday. Biggrin I should’ve done it Thursday and today. But then it wouldn’t be enough. I may have to get mysteriously sick later this week…I don’t really care!!! Friday was really nice. Zackery & I didn’t leave the house. Smile We snuggled in my bed and watched Sesame Street when he woke up. Then we mosied around the house, cleaning up, getting dressed, washing some clothes. Finally made our way outside…I wanted to do some yardwork b/4 the weather got bad. So I cut grass and edged. That took 2 hours. By then, it was 1pm, and we both needed a rest. So I showered, and Zackery & I took a nap! We woke up around 3:30pm and went outside. The dark clouds were headed our way, but we stayed outside until we absolutely had to come in. The weather was kinda bad…few miles up the road were tornadoes. Ugh! I wasn’t enjoying that fear! I tried not to get Zackery too upset, but even the dogs were frightened b/c of the wind, thunder and lightening. Never even rained though.

So I got dinner started, and DH came home. We had talked earlier that day about being disconnected all week. He just didn’t give it as much thought as I did…and that’s okay. He just figured I was going through a rough spot. It was all about $$ and work for me last week…and I unfortunately took it out at home. Not very nice or fair of me. I apologized several times, and he was the gracious DH he always is…understanding! My mood was like night and day that day b/c I was at home doing my own thing and not at work. He noticed, and I told him I would honestly try to do better (ie, not let work get to me so much). He knows what I want…I don’t have to say it over and over. We’re just trying to make the best of our situation right now. We all bathed, and I watched “Sex in the City” dvd til I fell asleep that night.

Saturday…the weather was looking bad, but never got bad. I had planned for a week that Zackery & I would go pick strawberries. Dirol We decided to go anyway b/c it wasn’t too far away…that way it wouldn’t be so bad if we had to turn around (I knew this was my only chance or I’d have to wait til the following weekend). And we had to take the ferry to get there…something I knew Zackery would LOVE! And he did! He was a great strawberry picker too! We picked 2 baskets full…for $13.00 too. I’m going back this weekend to get 2 more baskets. I have lots of things with strawberries I want to make this summer for special occasions! Road the ferry back home, and Zackery just had a ball! Biggrin Got home, and DH was gone…had some shopping to do. It was 12:30pm by now…and Zackery was itching to play on the mound of mulch that was delivered while we were gone. Then I sat on the driveway and talked to my mom for an hour while Zackery played. Next we went to my neighbor’s house so he could play with the kids. Stayed there for at least 2 hours. Home around 5pm…WHEW…DH still gone. So I decided to get dinner started, and he came home soon afterward. So he and Zackery started spreading mulch. I ended up out there too. The weather had decided to try and get bad yet again. What’s up with that? Our neighbors were coming over for dessert, drinks and to play a game later. I ran to the store, came home and ate, showered, bathed Zackery, fed him, blah blah blah…all this in 1.5 hours. UGH! I was exhausted…and still had a way to go that night. Got Zackery to bed at 8:30pm; he was falling over. Neighbors came over. I made strawberry shortcake, and fresh strawberry dacquiris. YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY! We played “Battle of the Sexes” (boardgame). It was really fun! Not very easy either…basically it’s men and women’s trivia…questions were 50% easy and 50% hard! Finally finished around 11:30pm. And I had a terrible headache. Only had 2 dacquiris…I guess between that and being so tired, my head decided to split! I went straight to bed. DH soon followed. Guess the aspirin kicked in b/c we were wild in bed that night. And I lay there thinking afterwards that my head wasn’t hurting any more. Aspirin and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD sex…just what the dr. ordered! :sex:

Mother’s Day…
:raspberry: We got up and Zackery gave me some Mommy’s Day gifts. They got me some jewely like I like. Then it was time to get ready for church. Off we went. Then we went out to eat a big lunch! Yummy! When we got home, it was apparent that Zackery needed a good nap…so Zackery & DH napped, and I mosied around the house. They got up about an hour later, and went outside. The weather had cooled off b/c some clouds were rolling in. It was very windy, so we flew kites for an hour or so…kept them up there till they came crashing down. It was really fun. Evening was upon us, and I made some homemade ice cream. We sat on the swing for a long time, and when the ice cream was ready, ate it on the swing in the backyard! It was a really nice day, and a great weekend!

Already this week, I’m wishing not to be here…these same three men are nuts! I’m NOT letting them get to me this week…God, PLEASE give me strength!

Crockpot chicken, mashed potatoes, and vegetable (all Weightwatchers style) for dinner tonight…so not too much to worry about cooking! YIPPEE!

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Well now…a few days have passed…and things at work have gone south in that time. I opened my mouth…something I NEVER do…I was professional, but shocked the hell out of this so-called officemate I have. I’m SO tired of the 3rd degree. I’m SO tired of being shot down. I’m SO tired of being contradicted. I’m SO tired of reversing the way I DO A GOOD JOB to satisfy the male ego of “I’m always right, and you little female are always wrong”. SO, he came to me at the wrong time yesterday with his usual “questioning the way I do things”. For the record, I do a damn good job, I take pride in my work, I’m very conscientious, and have ONLY exemplary marks for my work over the last 10 years. This my dear is why I CANNOT just let all this go. I want to. I want to just shrug it all off. But when it’s, or should I say them, in my f*ing face ALL the time, it’s kinda hard. :evil:

I had a controlled explosion yesterday at work. I left when it was time. I called my Mom and balled the entire way home…50 minute call. :cry: :cry: :cry: I’m so deflated…my head is really hurting…my emotions are fried…I find it very hard to smile when I’m at this place. Put me anywhere but here, and I’m smiling. I’ve got to find a way to get out of this place. I don’t have a choice…sad thing is, I’ve got a lot of support here at work, but the 3 people that I seem to have to answer to (fun, not 1 boss but 3) are no better than the parents across the river who starved their 2 month old to death. Pretty bad huh!

Calling in sick again tomorrow. :idea: Just decided. Gonna pick more strawberries with Zackery (and ride the ferry again). And…it’s payday…about the only good thing about this horrid job!

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It’s been a while…things at work haven’t changed. :redface: But one good thing is that my stupid officemate is out of town this week. Can we all say YIPPEE!!! :twisted: :raspberry: :twisted:

We’re leaving tomorrow after work to go home to SC til Sunday evening. It’ll be nice…I just have to find a way to keep things at a slower pace than we usually have b/c we don’t stop. I’ve got to do this!!! :roll:

Next weekend we’re going camping. I cannot wait. First time for us as a family. Smile Going down to Hatteras. We have some supplies already, tent, dishes, chairs, lanterns, canteens. I just bought sleeping bags today during lunch. 60% off…WOW. :upsidedown: I bought 3 sleeping bags for $30 (2 adult and 1 youth). We’re gonna borrow our neighbors Coleman stove for cooking. Will need to get a few more things, but not too much! I can’t wait! Camping and the beach…heaven!!!!!!!
:thewave:

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Well, not going on a trip home was the right thing to do. SO glad we didn’t go!!! We actually had rest and downtime this weekend. Smile Kinda nice if I should say so myself!!!

Friday afternoon, DH & I took ½ day off work. We went to eat pizza at Uno’s and drank some beer. Then we went to the 2pm showing of Matrix Reloaded. It was pretty good…that’s saying a lot from me b/c I’m not a science fiction movie watcher usually. Picked Zackery up, and had a nice quiet evening at home. DH went out and got ice cream sundaes for us again! Yummy! Dirol

Weather was yucky Friday and Saturday and Sunday. What is with the rainy cold days around here??? Saturday I didn’t even leave the house. The sun kept coming out, then it’d rain. It was like this all day. We all napped…it was GREAT! Once in a blue moon…it was nice! Woke up, sun was out, so we went outside. I made a pitcher of fresh strawberry dacquiris, and had 2. :biglaugh: DH went biking for a couple of hours. I sat outside with Zackery for a while! It was nice. Had sub sandwiches for dinner, and watched 4 episodes I had on tape of ER. Still have to watch the season finale. GREAT sex that night...really great! :sex:

Sunday, the weather was terrible. Rained most of the day. Had no choice but to go grocery shopping. So, I mustered up and went to Walmart. $233 later…I was home putting groceries away. Had plans to go to neighbors’ house for a cookout. That was nice. I made a banana cream cheesecake sort-of dessert and brought oh-so-difficult-to-make bbq baked beans. Stayed there til about 8:30pm…Zackery was done for the night. DH & I did manage to have even better sex than the previous night! Damn!!! :notworthy:

Monday the weather was gorgeous. :sunny: We lounged around for the 3rd straight day. SO nice!!! Finally got dressed and out the door around 11am. I wanted to go to A&N b/c they had Hanes shorts and t-shirts on sale, and I need some “lounge” wear! Went to Target, then to Lowe’s and Walmart. DH wanted a real charcoal grill. So we splurged and got that. Stopped off for ice cream sundaes again! Then to Fresh Market for some good steaks to cook on the charcoal grill! This day Zackery would have no nap, and we paid for it last night. Anyway, got home and did yardwork. DH mowed and trimmed. I finished the last 2 flower beds in the backyard with weeding, trimming, putting mulch down. I was SO tired. :sleepy1: Came in around 6:15pm. Zackery & I needed to shower. He needed to eat dinner and I wanted him in bed early b/c he needed it. DH & I ate late, but it was peaceful.

Back at work today. :violent1: Yippee! I have a consultation with my dr tomorrow. I pray he can help me with this stress and **maybe depression**. We’ll see! :help:

Going camping this weekend, and I’m very excited. :mrgreen: Going down to Hatteras. I’m taking Friday off too.

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So, I’m doing some lite reading on depression. More and more I think this is a major part of my problem. I’m SO down on myself…I’ve allowed the problems at work to really get deep inside of me. I feel like I’ve lost myself in all this, and I want ME back. So I’m going to see my dr tomorrow. I’m going to have some things written down that I want to discuss. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll have too hard of a time convincing him that I need some kind of help…either medication, or referral to see someone. In all of this, I feel like a total failure.

Here’s the symptoms I’ve read about. Out of 8 symptoms listed, I have, for sure, 5 ½ . Not much else to say!

Symptoms of Depression
Typical and common symptoms of major depression include:

Yes - sad, "down" mood
Not really - too little or too much sleep
Yes - lack of pleasure in daily activities
Yes - difficulty thinking and/or concentrating
Yes - fatigue and/or loss of energy
Yes - feelings of worthlessness and/or guilt
Yes, comes and goes - loss of appetite
No, not even a thought - thoughts of suicide and/or death

Interesting...at the bbq we went to Sunday evening, the conversation turned to this very topic. I didn’t say a whole lot, but I know all the women that were in the room. All are neighbors. There were 5 of us sitting around talking. 3 out of 5 were on an antidepressant, and it’s helping them a lot. I just asked a few questions. One of the ladies works in the mental health field. I didn’t say anything to DH b/c he doesn’t really agree with using these type of drugs. He knows I’m going to the dr. tomorrow, but unless he asks, I don’t plan on discussing much with him about this. I know what my feelings are, and I also know they are getting out of control. :oops:

Add to the above list…very little patience!!! I’m deflated and need some help!

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Should I or shouldn’t I? That is the question…

:? I have a few minutes, so I will. I’ve had a nice break from work. The holiday week was nice b/c I took another day off and went camping at the end of that week. And last week I was out of town on training. So, my “WELCOME BACK” to work today…

Take the project that I’ve worked on for over 6 months…one that the training last week is SO helpful about…and without 2 thoughts give it to the asshole officemate. :evil: :evil: :evil: EXCUSE ME!!! That’s what I said when I read the email first thing this morning. What a bunch of dickheads!!! :microwave: People today have said, don’t worry, just let him do it then. WTF??? That’s not the point. The point is that it was my project and now the ALMIGHTY dickhead is going to do it. Forget all the work I’ve done on it…It makes me feel like a total failure! Shit, how much more???

I’m on an anti-depressant, and can tell it’s helped. Just not here at work. I’ll give it a little more time.

I promptly told my boss why I had a problem with this. :angry6: And then I let everything out. I told him I HAVE to move out of this office. I have to. At first he said no. WTF??? He eventually came around. He’s all upset b/c said dickhead :evil: and I have no repore (sp?)! Yep that’s right, we f*ing don’t. (Technically we should, but I can have a much better repore (sp?) with him by not living with him everyday) Imagine that! :evil:

More tomorrow…much much more…DH is out of town til Wednesday. I have a dr. appointment Wednesday too with my dr to see how I’m doing “emotionally”. I really like my dr.

So, Zackery & I are gonna have some alone time, and I’m looking forward to it!
Smile

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Tuesday. The weather is gorgeous…so unusual. 17 of the last 23 weekends have been wet and chilly. Saw that on the news this am. Same for this weekend is what they are calling for. Rain, rain, go away…the Nelson’s want to go out to play!

DH is out of town til tomorrow night. Zackery is having his 3 yo pictures done tonight at Sears. I PRAY he cooperates…he did great at Christmas. ~crossing everything now~ Don’t know what we’ll have for dinner. Leftovers last night. Maybe I’ll just pick something up tonight.

After yesterday’s day at work, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. So around 9pm, I took something to help me sleep. Dr. Jones said to use it when I needed it. It worked. I only awoke 1 time. I’m just a little groggy this morning though. I’ve only taken this stuff 3 times, and 2 out of the 3 times, I was very groggy the next morning. I just want to curl up and sleep for a couple of hours. It was SO hard getting up this morning. I really wanted to get a big hot cocoa at Starbuck’s this morning, but didn’t have the time. Maybe I’ll get one at lunch when I run out to pick up DH’s refill prescription.

So after returning to work yesterday and learning that my biggest project was passed on to the officemate I despise…I was furious. And rightly so. I’ve spent 6 months on this project. It’s not a small task. It’s actually a book with 6 chapters. I’ve completed 2 chapters with weekly meetings…which is where I get the information from. It’s basically an administrative manual for the Electrical Engineering group. SO, management has to provide the details, and I put it in a nice format. This process has a predecessor, and ALL know how long it takes. So, while working on the book, I’m trying to keep up with the other 80 documents that are on my to-do list. The training I was at last week was for FrameMaker 7.0. That’s what I use to write in. I needed to learn the deep down nuts and bolts of FrameMaker…as it’s SO not intuitive. And that’s what I did. I was very excited about it b/c I learned a ton of new things to make my template better for this book. I was ready yesterday morning to start applying this new knowledge. NOT!!! :roll:

So I sent my boss an email yesterday after reading the email from my customer to my boss and officemate (who by the way are VERY tight). I asked him how this came about. He said since officemate wrote the manual for the Operations group, he had the experience. Customer said that too. BTW, customer is who I do my work for, not officemate. He said it would free me up to concentrate on the procedures and troubleshooting guides for my group. (This list is very long – excel spreadsheet with over 80 items on it that need to be written.) SO, okay, I understand now. BUT, the way in which it was done was wrong, I’m made to feel like a complete failure, and on and on. I totally told my boss everything that was going on. He didn’t want to talk about any of it. He asked me about the other position at the Lab I applied for, and I told him it was something I’m interested in. I told him I’m very unhappy in my job right now. The main sources are customer and officemate. It’s them against me. Neither listen to any suggestions I may have…they completely shut me down. I told him they’ve beaten me down, and that’s where my unhappiness at work stems from. He had NO idea about any of this…why? B/c he didn’t want to hear me when I tried talking to him 4 weeks ago. So WTF was I supposed to do? I told him that I HAD to move out of this office. I can still work and keep the same professional practices that I always have had, but I HAD to move out of this office. His first reaction…here it goes…was NO. :shock: EXCUSE ME??? Don’t think I heard that…his reason was that we’re supposed to be a team, we’re supposed to have a repore (sp?), we’re supposed to work together using common practices. He doesn’t think that can happen if I move. :? Not so Mr. Boss Man. FYI, team work goes both f*ing ways, repore goes both f*ing ways, all this shit goes both f*ing ways. I told him all of this, and he just shook his head agreeing. I KNOW that the 3 of them have been talking. Why I gave them all the perfect opportunity last week by not being here. I understand that customer spent much time in my office talking with dickhead officemate. I told my boss I’m tired of walking into my office and them clamming up.

Ya know, I’m not paranoid. By giving this project to officemate, it just reaffirms what’s going on. :?

The common practices and principles won’t change on either of side. He does work for 1 group, I do work for another group. We both use the same standards for look and feel. NO freaking big deal. I’m not rebelling against the practices. I’m just f*ing tired of these men and it will help me to not have to live with them 8 hours a day. That’s what it boils down to. So he heard this. (At NO time did I mention that I’m seeing a dr. with medication b/c of these assholes…They’ll NEVER know this) So, blah blah blah. I took a walk after this discussion b/c I was so upset. He told me to find a place, and figure out by reading my expectations again (which I did 2 weeks ago when applying for that other position) how my not living with dickhead officemate would work. FINE BY ME! I’ll make it happen. I’ll go sit in the f*ing parking lot if I have to. I told him this too…he didn’t like it much :!: :!: :!:

So, I’m not counting on getting this other job…although it’d be nice. I’m counting on helping myself by finding a niche to sit in 8 hours a day away from dickhead, doing my work in the same professional manner that I’VE ALWAYS done it, do my at home training for medical transcription, and pursue other jobs in that field within the year. Something that will allow me to work from home.

During my lunch break, I turned over all the files to dickhead officemate. Put the hard copies in his chair, and emailed him the path where the e-files can be found. His response was simply “thanks”. Works for me…there was NO way on this earth I was going to discuss this or anything else with him.

I’d have been out of here a LONG time ago if I could afford to just quit. My day is coming…I’m confident of that! Wink

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Friday is almost here! YIPPEE! DH got home last night, but it appears he’s swamped at work…and will probably have to work on Saturday too. I think it’s a real bummer, and he does too. Especially over Father’s Day weekend. We’ll enjoy Sunday regardless though!

I went for a checkup with my dr. yesterday. It went well. He was really glad to see me smiling more. He said I have more color back in my skin than 2 weeks ago. I go back in 8 weeks and continue on the medication. I can tell a difference b/c my nerves don’t get fried so quickly these days. I’m sleeping a tad better, but it needs to improve more.

Took ½ the day off yesterday b/c our AC is on the fritz again…and it’s in the 90’s this week. Whew…hot! So Zackery and I went home to wait for the technician. I left at 1pm, and we had a nice afternoon and evening. Yucky part is that it’s gonna take $900 to fix the unit. Bad coil…but he got us cooling in the meantime. And that is a good thing. So after the technician left, we went outside b/c I needed to mow the lawn. Didn’t want DH to have to worry about it b/c he’s way too slammed with work right now. It was hot, and I wasn’t 100%, but managed to get it done. Zackery played in the sprinkler and had a ball. We got in around 5pm, and went straight for the shower. It took me a while to cool off, and I was completely exhausted for the rest of the evening. We ordered pizza, watched tv, and around 7pm went upstairs (DH wasn’t due in until around 10pm). I laid on my bed watching Friends, and Zackery just played up there with me. He’s like a little hermit. Within 1 hour, he had the bed (queen size) covered with matchbox cars, stuffed animals, all his pillows & blankets. Maybe a nomad is a better description. So darn funny! At 8pm, it was bedtime for him. He didn’t want to go, but I needed quiet time.

Here we are today!

Still clueless on what to get DH for Father’s Day. I better figure something out and fast! What will probably end up happening is something from Target, maybe for camping, and maybe a new shirt or something. Father’s Day shopping is my worst shopping occasion b/c I NEVER know what to get him. I stink bigtime at gift giving. My intentions are good, but I’m just not creative. Go figure!!!

My niece is coming to spend the day with us Saturday. She lives 1 hour away, and my ex-SIL is bringing her over b/c ex-SIL is in town for a class that day. Can’t wait to see Erin (niece), but haven’t seen ex-SIL since b/4 she shit all over my brother 2 years ago. Yuck! I hope it’s just not too hard for me. Sad thing is that I cared a lot for her, and sometimes miss the conversations and fun we used to have. But I cannot overlook what she did to my brother and how she ruined their family. Certainly my almost 6 yo niece is paying the biggest price…I just hate that! Regardless, I have a nice day planned for her and Zackery. Just praying it doesn’t rain!

Nothing has changed at work…I know who to talk to in HR if need be. I understand she’s a woman’s woman…and that’s what I need!

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Is that a light I see at the end of this tunnel???

The other position at the Lab that I applied for is looking better than I originally thought. I spoke to the HR manager yesterday about where the hiring process stood with that, and she said that interviewing hasn’t started yet. But she does know that my resume and internal application made it to the hiring manager. Around here, HR weeds out all the applications that don’t qualify. Apparently someone wants to take a 2nd look at my qualifications. (The reason I’m surprised about this is that they asked for a Master’s degree in Library Science with experience too. I only have a Bachelor’s degree and that’s in Media Communications with no library experience.) Just knowing this, I feel better.

AND…I just got back from looking at a cubicle space 2 buildings down from where I live right now. Remember how badly I expressed the need to get out of this office with my horrid officemate whom everyone around here sees as Senior and I’m the Junior??? Well after Monday’s conversation with my boss (which I was very upset and adament about), I found the right person to make it happen. After contacting this VERY cool guy this morning b/4 lunch, I have a new home (it happened in less than ½ a day). Which is surprising around here…This very cool guy asked how it would work…I let out the BIGGEST sigh…

My own cubicle…God what an improvement. Hopefully I’ll be outta here within a week or so. Gotta coordinate a bunch of stuff.

You can probably feel the excitement I have. Much easier to work with someone when you don’t have to live with them................................

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Crazy few days. The weekend was okay. Spent megabucks to fix out AC at home, but at least we’re cool. DH had to work again on Saturday. The weather was great…hot and sunny! We spent the day in the backyard by Zackery’s little pool. My brother and niece came for a visit. Zackery & Erin had a ball! Sunday it rained, so we were stuck inside all day. Went to church, and out for breakfast. Quiet day. I disappointed DH with Father’s Day, so I’ll do better next year.

This week has been okay. Took off yesterday afternoon b/c I was just having a bad day. Better today though. Today is our 9th wedding anniversary. 9 years ago right now the party had started (i.e., reception). It was a great day. We met for lunch today and had a nice time. Hopefully this evening will be pleasant and quiet. We need that right now.

My parents are coming for a short visit tomorrow. While neither of us is happy about this, at least it’s only for a short visit. They’ll be back for Zackery’s birthday, but after that, not for a while. I really don’t like them trying to visit all the time. Somehow, and it’s a miracle, I’ve managed to keep them from coming since Thanksgiving. That’s truly unusual. Usually they try to get here every 6 weeks or so. It really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s terrible to say b/c they are really good parents. I just don’t like living with them…and DH hates living with them. UGH…give me strength. My goal is to get through the next few days without having a meltdown. It happens every time, and it’s harmful for DH & I. I cannot let my parents screw up my marriage like that when they visit. Why? Because there’s so much chaos when they come. By the end, DH hates them, and I’m miserable b/c I try to keep everyone happy. NO MORE!!! My brother’s girlfriend is throwing him a surprise birthday party for him Saturday night about 2 hours away. Thank God my parents are going. They need to go up b/4 the party and get out of our hair. We’re not going…I know DH won’t want to after spending 3 days with them…and me neither. My brother understands. Plus, we can’t have Zackery out that late. It’s not worth our driving time b/c we’ll end up spending more time on the road than at a party.

Can ya tell I just don’t like my parents visiting?????????????????

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Gosh, when I woke up this morning, I had to really think about what day it was. I couldn’t decide if it was Thursday or Friday. It’s like my brain had cobwebs that took a couple of minutes to clear up. Even though it’s Thursday, I was happy to realize that Friday was so close.

Yesterday was a nice day! Didn’t watch our wedding video like I’d hoped. Did other stuff instead. After Zackery & I got home, we went right outside b/c the lawn needed to be mowed. It’d been 7 days, and I knew it’d be hard to cut. Couldn’t wait too much longer. So I decided to do it and then too DH wouldn’t have to worry about it this weekend. He can just do the trimming. He was glad to see I was almost finished when he got home, and he thanked me.

So we went inside about 7pm, and showered. Zackery went to be by 8pm b/c he didn’t have a nap yesterday. DH & I made icecream sundaes, and started watching his new Star Wars: Episode II dvd I bought him. We only made it about 30 minutes b/c we were both tired. So up to bed we went.

My parents are driving up today. I’m not as worked up about it as I was yesterday. Hopefully that’ll remain the norm for me. I told everyone we’d go to Burger King for dinner. I do NOT want to cook. So Zackery can play in the play ground there, and we can eat and visit. Surprisingly didn’t get any negative responses. My Dad hates spending $$ eating out…but tough patooties! I’m NOT cooking.

Tomorrow night after work DH & I are going on a date. We’re going to the Outback (haven’t been there in ages), and then to a movie. I’m looking forward to it.

I’ve gotta write a detailed email to my boss and officemate about my move. Must do that today…although I don’t want to. UGH!

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So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. About work I mean…

After gathering all the facts and proposals my boss wanted to prove that my moving to another office would not affect the quality of product I produce, I sent him and my horrid officemate the email yesterday as I walked out the door. The not surprising part is that I’m 99.9% sure my boss and horrid officemate have talked and boss most likely told horrid officemate everything I told him. Because…officemate is NOT surprised my by email. Otherwise, it would’ve come as a shock to him and he would have something to say by now. Since he and everyone around here, including my stupid boss, view him as the senior and I’m his junior, I had to include him in this communication as instructed by my boss. Whatever right…I’m planning on moving next week!!! DH told me to send them the email late yesterday that way there was only 1 day left in the week for any discussions, and then I could get away from them for the weekend. So that’s what I did. Now I just have to get our secretary to arrange a couple things, and I’m outta here!!! :jumpingbeans:

My parents came up yesterday. It’s not as bad as I dreaded it to be. I got home and put the groceries away. Then we went to Burger King, Zackery played in the playland, and we ate. DH stayed home and went bike riding. We got home, bathed Zackery, and to bed for him by 8:30 or so. I showered and spent time with DH. I think we’re connecting again…we’ve had a weird couple of weeks. Zackery however decided, highly unusual, to stir all night. I ended up sleeping with him. It was the ONLY way I was gonna get any sleep. Albeit 6 hours…I’m hurting today! He never does this. It wasn’t a bad dream restlessness either. He only does this when he’s getting sick. Couldn’t find anything wrong with him though…but after 1.5 hours of crying and not sleeping, I gave him some Tylenol. He seemed to sleep after that kicked in, so something must’ve been hurting. What I don’t know. No fever. Maybe his ears…he was a bit congested last evening which he hasn’t been in a loooooooooong time. So I’m not sure what’s going on.

He’s staying home with my parents to have fun day with them today. I know they’ll have a good time. I hope the rain stays away though…it’s rained everyday this week.

DH & I are going on a date tonight. Out to eat at Outback Steakhouse…which we LOVE and haven’t been to in a very long time. Then to a movie…The Italian Job. If we have to go to the later one b/c of the restaurant wait, then we’ll go to the mall in between. Should be fun.

No plans for this weekend. My parents are going to my brother’s tomorrow through the rest of the weekend. DH said he may have to work a little at the office tomorrow…let’s hope not. This’ll be the 3rd weekend in row. I hope not!

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Hmm…these were the thoughts running through my head last evening. I got my rear chewed up and spit out by my **oh so lovely NOT** boss yesterday saying I was being presumptuous to be moving. HELLO…WTF are you talking about. He approved this 2 weeks ago. I do believe what he thought would happen is that I’d change my mind…NOT! I was SO upset yesterday. I didn’t have any makeup left on my face by the end of the day. I scheduled an appointment for today with the head HR lady here at work. Enough is enough. My good friend here at the lab says this woman is on every woman’s side here at the lab. That’s what I NEED!

What would it be like for you to have your voice not heard? No suggestions heard? No room for your own ideas? The only outlet for help tunes you out and you’re left to only wonder what you’re supposed to do next? No one around to appreciate the fact that you just want physical space – simply to breathe – not to change any processes – just to breathe? To be viewed as though you’ve “failed the process”? To be told that you’ve “failed the process”? To have explained how a simple physical separation isn’t appropriate when the one asking for the separation is told that you’ve “failed the process”? To have worked on something for over 6 months, only to have another rewrite it in a meeting making you look incompetent, to leave for training for a week to better oneself coming back with better ideas and much gained knowledge for this project and future projects, to come back to having that project you took pride in doing a good job at simply handed over to your peer? For all this to be done without consulting you in the least regard? Your role as the Junior is forever impressed upon your peer and your customer now because you’re just not qualified – if that hasn't already happened before now? To know how very hard you’ve worked in your career simply to be treated as if none of your experience matters? What skills do you have – not the skills to write an administrative manual? To be spoken to as if you’re completely wrong? To be spoken to in a manner in which it is inferred that “you need to stop talking now – you’re not stopping yet” – aka shut up please? To have gone peacefully and quietly and professionally along for 2 years 9 months at the Lab with exemplary marks, voiced your opinion about something – wrong again – one time? One time in 2 years, 9 months? These are the repercussions…

Exactly what “teamwork” has existed before this point? Minimal because you’ve simply kept quiet and done you job the way in which you’ve been told – told for 2 years, 9 months. That kind of “teamwork” doesn’t change with a physical relocation. The process is still in tact. Documents will be reviewed as expected. That won’t change. The formats and templates and database entries and release process won’t change with a physical relocation. What will change is a happier employee will be reborn, an employee who is not smothered day after day by others’ thoughts and suggestions, an employee who can think for herself, an employee who regains the confidence lost in the smothering thoughts and suggestions, an employee who can again be 100% productive.

The process doesn’t change. The employee does. Personal re-development and career development stand to gain much…simply with a physical relocation.

:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

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Bottom line for me is…I want to quit my job…now. The overpowering reason behind that is my son. Right behind that is I’m completely sick of this environment, the way I’m being treated. I abhor this!

It will happen though…I will have the chance to quit this job. Why? Because I’m not willing to further sacrifice my health over it. The men around here are egotistical chauvinist pigs, and regardless of how hard I try to please them, go along with their ideas, be badgered by my boss and spoken too like I’m scum on the bottom of his shoe, distance myself from them, etc, etc, etc, the situation will NOT improve. I’m SO tired of this emotional rollercoaster I’m on. My dr. was right on…emotional abuse is far worse than physical abuse!!!

Met with HR yesterday. Got much agreement on the way I’m being treated by these 3 pigs. However, the support I’d hoped for did not happen. She basically told me I needed to clear the air with customer & officemate. Find out from them where I stand. Then I have a decision to make. She said I’m trying to break into the “good ole boys network”. And that’s an uphill battle. WELL, I could give a shit about some stupid “good ole boys network”. That’s horse shit. They can all kiss my white ass b/c I want NO part of their stupid network.

I’m searching for other employment. I don’t think that other position here at the Lab will happen b/c they’ve already started interviewing, and I’ve not been called. Se la vie!!!

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TGIF~ yay, I’m so glad it’s Friday.

Sat in traffic last night for 1.5 hours. Zackery was miserable which in turn made me miserable. DH was going to happy hour after work. I decided that Zackery & I would just go to Burger King for dinner. Real healthy…I suck so bad. I went home first b/c I had to let the dogs out (they stayed inside yesterday b/c it’s so hot out right now). Changed my clothes, and got back in the car. This just pissed DS off more. Got to BK, got our food, he played in the playland, and I chilled out. Got home around 7:15pm. Showered us and watched Friends. DH got home, and DS went to bed.

I dressed REALLY casual today. Feels good too. Another extreme hot day around here. Dogs are back inside…they’d so much rather be outside, but my girls don’t need this kind of heat. DH is meeting some folks after work again today (yesterday was for his boss’ 20th anniversary – today is a normal happy hour). Since he doesn’t do this very often, I don’t mind. Zackery & I will hang out at home. I’m going to do some housework tonight so that I don’t have to worry about it all weekend.

Tomorrow I’ve got a haircut, and tomorrow night is Ladies’ Night Out. I’m going to that! The weather is supposed to be much nicer. Only in the low 80’s all weekend and little chance of rain! YAY!

Big week next week with birthday party on the 4th – Fire truck theme! Should be a blast!!! I’ve done all my shopping except for groceries for the event. I’m better off than I thought I’d be. Can't believe Zackery will be 3 years old! :shock:

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Well, it's my Friday! Thank goodness...I cannot wait to sleep in tomorrow. I took something to help me sleep last night (as I've not been sleeping), and while I slept SO good, I'm totally groggy this morning. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and sleep for about 3 more hours. So, tomorrow morning, Zackery can just hop into bed with me when he gets up (usually around 7am) and we can lounge around til I'm ready to get up. He likes doing that...so do I! Smile

Got a busy few days ahead. Gotta go get groceries today at lunch. Tonight I need to put the boston butt in the crockpot and start the first batch of bbq. Takes 14 hours. Tomorrow I'll do the same to the 2nd one. Need to bake the 2 cakes tonight too. One fire truck cake (Zackery's bday cake) and one sheet cake (11x15) which I'll make into an American flag cake. Why all this baking?

Cuz my little man turns 3 yo on July 4th!!! Birthday party day.

Tomorrow I'll decorate both cakes. Work on the bbq. Make the white chocolate mousse stars. Wrap presents. Set up for the party. That'll probably take me through the end of the day. I'll be tired!

My parents are coming up tomorrow. Smile I'm actually excited. Whoa...unusual, but true. I think b/c I'll finally be able to relax.

So we have the party on Friday, fireworks and pub hopping Friday night, and chilling out the rest of the weekend! It's going to be FUN! Got 15 people coming to the birthday party! Smile

Work has sucked. These guys don't let up, but I've gained the strength to play their game; whatever it takes until I find something else more suitable for me!

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Been a while…Have looked at the journal page several times but just haven’t had the energy to catch up.

Zackery’s birthday party on July 4th went great. The cakes turned out fabulous, and he loved the fire truck cake.

Everyone we invited showed up, and he got lots of neato gifts (people were overly generous).

The best surprise was DH bought him a power wheels jeep. I didn’t even know about it. DH was surprising both of us, and very happy that he succeeded too! Crazy guy!

Went to fireworks and out drinking that night with 3 other couples that came to the party. It’s become a tradition now. Lots of fun. The rest of the weekend, we vegged out…it was nice.

Last week came along and it was time to plan for last weekend’s camping trip. We had a ball. 2 bouts of thunderstorms, but we survived. Had more sunshine this time for beach day, so that was cool. Glad to get back home though. Had a mountain of laundry to do and finally got it all put away last night.

My cleaning lady comes today, so the house will be nice and clean today when I get home from work. I have Bunko tonight, and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve skipped the last 2 months b/c I just got tired of it, but looking forward to it tonight.

Moved into my new office space this week too. Finally, after 3 long years of suffocating with that horrid officemate, I’m FREE! I’ve realized this week just how suffocated I was. Things are looking up at work finally! Must say that Lexapro has lended a huge helping hand in this too!

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Thankfully...

I'm very thankful I am to have a good dr. in Dr. Jones b/c he listened to me when I needed it, b/c he prescribed my the right medication that I need, etc.

I live in a difficult situation at work with my supervisor. :evil: :evil: :evil: I haven't had anything but battles with him (and I'm not even battling, I'm just going along b/c he just doesn't listen, reason, or anything). I'm not complaining; I'm just trying to cope. I truly believe without the help of Dr. Jones, I would currently be in a much worse place mentally. I'm not crazy; I'm not a lunatic; I'm simply working for a completely unrealistic, unreasoning, constantly battling person. That is very difficult. It won't ever change...I'm not trying to make it change...I'm simply trying to cope.

I'll not hesitate to go to HR in the future either.

No job is worth all this bullshit...it's only a paycheck. DH is the ONLY person on this planet that I trust completely...the ONLY person. And, I'm thankful for him!

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So I work for an asshole…he’s been one for a long time…can’t change it…can only change ME! Laughed today about it…didn’t cry…that’s an improvement. This Lexapro must be working pretty damn good.

Sitting here with 29 minutes til the weekend starts and listening to Dixie Chicks. It’s kinda hot here…look forward to sitting outside tonight when it cools off a bit. We’ve been couped up inside all week. DH is picking DS up today, so I’m gonna stop by the store on my way home for some beer. Good, cold, frosty beverages sitting outside tonight is my plan!

No other real plans for this weekend. We’re taking the weekend off b/c we’ve been running constantly for the last 6 weekends or so. Mid 80’s this weekend, so it should be pleasant outside. Yippee!!!

Man I’m in the mood for good music, cold beer, and hot weather. Can’t wait to get home!!!

Gotta get a birthday gift for my niece this weekend. She’ll be 6 next week. Hope I can find something cool. July is a very busy month for occasions. Just mailed another gift to our 4 yo niece this morning. She’ll be 4 next week too. Busy I said!

I need to find a hobby. Don’t know what yet, but I need something to do with myself. I’ve been getting really bored in the evenings lately. I don’t like to read, I used to cross-stitch – maybe I should pick that up again. Get tired of watching tv and going to bed early. Geez…normally I’d like my downtime like this…but I find myself getting bored, especially after DS goes to bed at night. Go figure. I don’t know what I like…DH and I were talking about this last week. He said I need to find something I enjoy to help myself wind down…something for me. I tried scrapbooking too, and couldn’t really get into it. Guess I’ll just keep looking til I do find that something!

TGIF!

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Oh well. It’s Tuesday morning, and I just feel like writing/typing in my journal. Nothing exciting, just feel the need to be here this morning.

The weekend was nice…didn’t have any real plans, so that was a bonus. Friday evening we played outside until 9pm. Zackery had fun driving his jeep for about 2 hours. We had pizza and enjoyed being outside. Saturday was uneventful. We hung around the house and went to Walmart. Pretty exciting huh. Had Italian sausages & fixings for dinner. Sunday we went to church and then to breakfast. After we got home, we put our bathing suits on and went to the beach 10 minutes from the house. Stayed there til almost 4pm. It was nice. Grilled hamburgers for dinner…delicious.

Yesterday is another story. It sucked. I got into it with one of the buttholes I do my work for. I say “got into it” because I opened my mouth for once…and he’s very obstinate too. I asked him where all this negativity was coming from. I told him that everything that comes out of his mouth is negative. I don’t need pats on the back, but I sure as hell don’t need his negative bullshit. And, it’s not like I can just ignore it b/c it’s about me. He said I need to communicate better. What he means, and I know this b/c he told me so, is that he wants me to hold the engineers and technicians’ hands to get procedures written. You know, I’m only will to do this to a certain extent. What I’m about to say doesn’t fit around this place…but we’re all supposed to be responsible professionals around here to get our work done. I refuse to be one of a few around here that does that. In an effort to stay out of harm’s way at work (what I mean is the wrath of a few individuals, including my boss and my customer), I’ve been minding my own business doing my work. By doing that, apparently I’ve not been communicating. WTF! He told me that I have a problem. I told him NO I DON’T! What an ass!

I’m actively searching for another job. I signed up for a medical transcription course and am awaiting the materials to begin studying. After yesterday, dh said it’s time for a different job! He’s right. So I’m biding my time until I get something else. I want SO MUCH to just quit this job and not work. But we can’t afford that. Some of our debt has to be paid off b/4 I can even fathom it.

So, that is my little life. I’m thankful for the support I get from my husband, I’m thankful that my son is healthy and happy, and I’m thankful that I have a job at this time. I’m just tired of fighting…my health has been so affected by all this, and I want it to stop!

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Took the night off last night…DH said don’t worry about cooking dinner…just go home and relax. So, that’s what we did! We got home, and the power was out. A bad thunderstorm had rolled through. I called the power company (at 5pm) and they estimated restoration around 7pm. So, Zackery wanted to watch his Dora & Blues tape. But, we obviously couldn’t. He got his blocks and his cars, and we played on my bed for almost 2 hours. It was REALLY nice. He was so sweet. The power came back on around 7pm, and DH got home shortly after.

A friend of his at work has an 8-9 yo daughter. They were cleaning out her toys and sent a bunch home with DH. Some cool stuff too. Zackery was just beside himself. He went to bed around 8:30pm. I watched more of Steel Magnolias that I just bought on dvd. DH watched the Sopranos.

The thunderstorms came back with a vengeance. It stormed for about 5 more hours. The dogs were a nervous wreck! They are such sweet dogs, and get really nervous and upset when it thunders & lightenings.

Tonight is Bunko. We’ll see how the day goes with regards to dinner. 2 more days until it’s Friday. And Friday is date night. Not sure what we’re doing yet, but looking forward to it. 5 more weeks until our vacation at the beach! We’re really looking forward to it too!

I pray today is uneventful at work…when I get pounded on by these people, it sets my mood back tremendously! Makes me unhappy and DH unhappy too!

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I did something last night that I dreaded. I stepped on the scale at home. All the weight I lost earlier this year, I’ve gained back. So now I’m faced with trying to lose 30 pounds. I feel totally miserable in my body…I’m tired of feeling fat!

So, starting today, I will exercise every single day…rain or shine. Walking, roller-blading, bike riding, and aerobics (inside when the weather stinks). Back to WeightWatchers…as much as I don’t want to diet, I don’t have a choice. I’ve been eating everything I can get my hands on and I’m miserable.

SO, I’ll get my body back…down to 150 is what I must do. The Lexapro is not helping this cause of weight control, but I need it to help bigger issues. So, I must be strong and combat the urges to eat junk! I WILL succeed!

5 more weeks until our vacation at the beach, and I won’t be this fat when I go. I refuse!!! I’m going to buy a new bathing suit down there too…so at least some of this weight MUST GO!

My neighbor wants to play tennis. I can use one of her rackets. I just need some sneakers…so I’m off to buy some this weekend! I hope we can play this weekend!

Last night was uneventful. We got home and I crashed again in the recliner while Zackery played and watched Dora. I feel really bad about that, but I’ve been SO tired lately. DH got home and we had dinner. Went to play Bunko last night and had a good time. Didn’t win anything, but enjoyed it nonetheless.

So I’m hoping for a quiet day at work today (ie, no one bothering me). One can hope right?!?!

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TGIF :)

TGIF! Thank goodness…2 mornings in a row to sleep in. I’ve been SO tired lately. During my lunch breaks at work, I’ve been napping in my van in the shade. I know it’s this medicine…It’s helping me tremendously, but I’m so much more tired than I’ve ever been…even when pg. Each day, what I need, is to sleep til 7am and then get 1 hour’s nap in the afternoon. Hah Hah Hah! Won’t happen.

I’m hungry for lunch and will likely go somewhere early. Gotta eat healthy. Tonight may or may not be date night. Waiting till noon to find out if the sitter will be able to watch Zackery for us. If not, then we’re gonna still plan on next Saturday (aug 2nd).

Nice, laid back plans for this weekend. Gonna play tennis tomorrow with my neighbor. I’m skipping the neighborhood ladies’ night out tomorrow b/c I don’t really have the money. Sunday morning we’ll go to Church, and then over to some friends house to go to the country club with them to spend the day at the pool. We’ll all enjoy that! No other plans really…and that’s a good thing!

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Monday..Monday

Nice quiet weekend…that’s always a good thing.

Friday after work, DH & I went to happy hour. We ate chicken wings and drank a few beers. Then picked up Zackery and home to play outside. Saturday morning I played tennis with my neighbor, came home, did some housework, and then napped with Zackery. I LOVE napping with him! That’s our special cuddle time!!! After we woke up, he went back outside with DH (it was SO hot this weekend), and I did more housework. I ended up going to ladies night out and spent TOO much money. Ugh! It was fun, but expensive…ouch! Sunday we went to church and then to breakfast. Came to Newport News around noon to go to the pool with some friends. Stayed there til about 4pm. Zackery had so much fun! It was a nice relaxing day. Came home, put our stuff away, folded clothes, Zackery woke up from his short nap that started in the car on the way home, then we played inside (as it was really hot outside). Had salad and leftover pizza for dinner, so that was a REAL treat for me. Got Zackery to bed around 8:30pm, and I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept good in 3 days. I took something to help me sleep, and crashed. (When I take something for sleep, I must snore.) DH slept in the guest room. I felt so bad when I realized that this morning. But he’s SO sweet!

So back at work today. It’s very hot outside. Heat index is currently 104. OUCH! My sweet dogs are inside again today. They’d much rather be outside (2 black labs), but it’s too hot. That kind of heat is too hard on those girls (they’re 7 yo). Don’t have to cook tonight (like I’ve really been Betty Crocker lately) b/c DH ate a big lunch. So that means we’ll just all eat whatever we find. Suits all 3 of us just fine.

Zackery has his 3 year checkup tomorrow morning. So we can sleep in. Probably won’t get to work until around noon or so. I think I’ll take Zackery to lunch after his appointment so we can have a nice morning together! We’ll both enjoy that!

Not much else to say…so I guess I’ll get back to work! Can't wait to get in my cozy bed tonight...I'm tired!

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Uneventful evening last evening. I wasn’t feeling good. Fought a headache all day long. On the way home from work, I was nauseous too so I took my migraine medicine. Since I wasn’t cooking dinner last night, I just laid on the bed while Zackery played there on the bed and watched Dora. Got up about 6:30pm, made some rice to go with the beans. I was hungry so I ate too. Basically laid around the rest of the evening. So lazy!

Zackery had his 3 year checkup this morning. We got to sleep in…YAY! Went to the appointment, and then I took him to lunch at Chick-fil-a. His one and only favorite place to go…imagine that!?!?!?! Got him to school about noon, and then I came to work. DH called in sick today…he’s not sick, so he’s playing hookey. Very unlike him, so I’m not sure what’s going on with him. Maybe nothing…but it’s out of character. I left him a grocery list, and he’s already taken care of that. Let’s see if he makes the dinner I have laid out on the counter for tonight…hmm…I’m thinking that if he wants to eat tonight…he should make it for us. When I play hookey, I bust my tail doing stuff like that…we’ll see.

I had told him yesterday that we could have sex last night, but since I wasn’t feeling good, that wasn’t happening. The last time was only last Friday night. I know he’ll be wanting to tonight. My sex drive right now is very low…I believe it’s the meds I’m on causing this effect in me. UGH!!!

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Falling apart is the wrong phrase…but not necessarily in control is a better phrase. I’m doing SO much better with my depression and anxiety, but I’m tired so much of the time and I’m gaining weight like crazy. Both side effects of this medicine. I used to not allow myself to stop keeping busy. Now I don’t have a choice…I like this choice much better b/c it allows me to stop and smell the roses, as it were. The weight problem is another issue by itself. I’m out of control. I’ve gained back all the weight I lost on WW, and now must start completely over. I have to force myself to exercise…it shouldn’t have to be like that. I hate the way I look and must turn it around.

I need to start praying for strength!!!

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TGIF

So better night last night. Left work late, and left preschool late…so plans for cooking the nice dinner I had planned got scrapped. I’ve not been cooking much at all, and I think DH was a little disappointed. So instead I stopped at the store and got fixings for hotdogs and stuff. So that’s what we did. Then upstairs to get Zackery cleaned up. Watched a bit of tv and played with Lincoln Logs til his bedtime. I watched Sex in the City for a while until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. TGIF! :neonflower:

Spinach, mushroom & garlic pizza with salad tonight for dinner. Gotta start back with weight watchers this weekend. DH is ready too.

3 weeks from tomorrow is VACATION at the BEACH! :sunny: Got the confirmation letter in the mail yesterday with a $0 balance. YIPPEE! I’m REALLY looking forward to this…it’s our first “family vacation”. DirolDirolDirol

I hope today at work goes by fast…lately the days have been dragging a bit. I want a busy day so time flies by.

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Bored today. Not wanting to work…just wanting to be anywhere but here. So far today, I’ve gotten NOTHING done. Big fat nothing!

Went to lunch early to run some errands…not successful. Thought there was a Sears at the mall up the road (b/c I need vacuum cleaner bags from my Kenmore which I recently bought). I was wrong. That mall had Penney’s, Hecht’s, Dillard’s – no Sears. Then went to a consignment shop I heard about being pretty nice. Yucky stuff. Then went to Shoe Carnival looking for some sneakers for myself…couldn’t bring myself to spend the $$. I’ll check the outlet shop tomorrow I think. Went to a nearby grocery store looking for a good price on pork for BBQ on Sunday, no luck. SO, I just came back to work. Ate my lunch, and browsed the boards.

I need to figure out a way to get out of here early today.

Tomorrow is date night…got a sitter lined up. Going out to dinner and to a movie (“American Wedding”). I LOVE those American Pie movies. I think I’ll go to the shoe outlets tomorrow and see what deal on some sneakers I can find. Sunday is Church, breakfast, and most likely grocery shopping at Walmart. Starting Weight Watchers again on Monday, so I need some lean meat, fruits & veggies, and a few low-fat items. I abhore grocery shopping. YUCK!

Guess I’ll try to get some work done…4pm can’t get here soon enough!

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Pretty quiet weekend. It’s Monday…blech!

Saturday we shopped at the Outlets. I got a new pair of sneakers…wearing them right now. They feel GREAT! Saturday night was date night. We had fun, and Zackery enjoyed playing with Cassie, our sitter. We went out to eat, had a few beers, and saw “American Wedding” in the movie theater. It was good…not as good as the first one though. Stopped by the grocery after that so I could get a pork roast to make barbecue for Sunday.

Sunday we overslept for Church, but went at 11am instead of 9am. Zackery was terrible this week. Usually he does okay during Church. We got home and I promptly fed him and laid down with him for a nap. He slept for an hour, which is unusual, but better than nothing. We got up, and DH was coming back from the beach b/c the weather was getting bad. I’m SO glad I decided not to go. Got the pork pulled apart, back in the crockpot and poured sauce on it. It was smelling DELICIOUS! So we lounged around ALL afternoon b/c it was storming outside. I watched the Food Channel, Zackery played and watched a bit of Dora & Blue, and DH watched a movie upstairs. We ate dinner, and moved our lazy bodies upstairs for the evening routine. Zackery went to bed around 8:30pm; he was playing so good – it was nice. I went to bed around 10pm or so. Tossed and turned ALL night. It stunk! I think I’ll nap during my lunch break today.

Started back to Weight Watchers today. Not too hard. The AWFUL part is that I weighed myself this morning…UGH! I’ve got 30 pounds to lose. I will exercise at least 3 times a week. Tonight I’ll do my aerobics tape inside b/c I think it’s supposed to storm. I MUST lose 10-12 pounds in the next month. I can do it…I did it earlier this year.

So tonight for dinner…bbq minus bread, corn on the cob and a salad. I’ve got our meals planned for the week also, so that makes life easier right there. I just have to go to the grocery store…YUCK!

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And so…I don’t feel like working. Surprise to me? Hah, no way. I’m just not motivated at work right now. I was going along good for a few weeks, and then late last week, I became deflated again. The work is okay, the people (with exception of 3 dickheads) are okay, the stress level isn’t a big deal. I just don’t want to be at work working. I want to be anywhere else but here. I don’t care about this place, and I don’t care about the work. I just muddle through each day just to get to the end of the day to pick up Zackery.

I HATE the fact that I have to work b/c of financial responsibilities. I wish SO bad we didn’t have the debt we have. We try to get ahead of that debt and then something comes along that sets us back. Living paycheck to paycheck SUCKS!

One day…one day…one day!

I try pretty hard to stay in touch with my friends back home too, and they just don’t respond. I know everyone is busy with their own lives, but what does it hurt once a month or so to drop a quick email. I’m giving up. I email them occasionally and never hear back. Never! I’m totally not interested in going home anytime soon to see them b/c they just don’t care I guess. I’m giving up. I’ll send bday & Christmas cards, but that’s about it. No more emails about how ya doing, no more emails with some pix, nothing. I quit!

I’m not in a funk, I’m just bored. Today would’ve been a good call-in-sick day b/c it’s cloudy and cooler outside. I should’ve done it. 18 more days til vacation…CAN’T WAIT!!!

I think I’ll go to the van, drive out of this parking lot, sit in the van reading my People magazine and take a nap during lunch! I’m SO exciting huh!

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Regular ole Tuesday

Tuesday…the sun is trying to peek through the rain clouds. It’s been a very wet summer. And it storms everyday. Yesterday it started pouring right after lunch and was still pouring long after we got home from work. Ugh! Either drought or monsoon…doesn’t Mother Nature understand the concept of “something nice in the middle”???

I picked Zackery up yesterday, and they told me he’d be in the pre-school room full-time now. He’s been transitioning, but I expected a little more notice. The biggest deal is his potty training. He does great peeing in the potty all day long at school. But usually he has a BM in the morning in his pullup b/4 going into underwear for the day. So this morning we left the house for the 35 minute ride in a pullup. Got to school, and he said he had to potty. That boy pee’d in the potty…first time I’ve actually SEEN this occurrence. I was SO proud. He aimed good and everything. So we put on his underwear. Now right around breakfast time is when he usually has a BM…and he’s got underwear on today. I PRAY that he’ll have no qualms about telling Ms Shauna that he needs to poop in the potty. That would be a FIRST! God, I’d be SO excited. My fear is that he won’t, and he won’t go in his underwear, and that he’ll get constipated over all this! I’ll call around 9am today and see what happened. He really likes the pre-school room, and he really likes Ms Shauna & Ms Lisa. But he LOVES Ms Ali…the 2’s teacher. He gets to see Ms Ali first thing in the mornings, so I’m thrilled about that. He gets his “Ms Ali” fix for the day. I get worked up each year when he transfers to the next room…I just want everything to go smoothly for him. He’s my little man! SmileSmileSmile

Last night was uneventful. This morning DH was writing some bills and wasn’t very happy. We have so much debt…there’s no easy way out. I’ll likely never be able to quit working. **done** :cry:

I did really well on WeightWatchers yesterday. It was pretty easy. I did 30 minutes of aerobics while dinner was cooking last night. Today will be the same. Works for me!

I tossed and turned ALL night long last night…that’s 2 nights in a row. It stinks. I think it’s my subconscience worrying about money! Wonder where I can purchase a new me???

Tonight is National Neighborhood Night Out at 7pm. I think Zackery & I will walk up to the park in the neighborhood for that weather permitting. A firetruck and police car will be there for “tours”…Zackery will LOVE that. There’s supposed to be face painting, kids activities, and refreshments. So, it should be a nice time. The Social Committee in the neighborhood does a great job!

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8:30am Wednesday

Left work early yesterday to meet the exterminator at the house for 4pm. It was nice b/c I had my dinner cooked by 5pm. That by itself was a treat. And, for the 2nd night in a row, Zackery started his fit pitching at dinner time. I wanted to take him up to the neighborhood park for the get together for National Night Out that the social committee had planned. A firetruck, EMS truck, and police men were going to be there for the festivities. Zackery was SO bad for the hour b/4 we left. I kept threatening not to go b/c he wouldn’t eat. With 10 minutes to spare, he ate ½ his dinner, so we went. Then he pitched a fit b/c I had to put him on my bike (as opposed to him riding his own bike up there) b/c we had to get there fast as not to miss the firetrucks. Spent about an hour there. He behaved while there. The ladies had cookies, rice krispy treat, pound cake, drinks, face painting, tattoos for the kids, and raffles for the kids and adults. It was really nice. Then it was time to go home as bedtime for him was approaching. He pitched a fit. (I don’t think he had a nap yesterday???) It was a battle. I finally gave up putting him to bed and DH took care of it.

I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept good in over 2 days, so I took a sleeping pill. Slept really good, and I’m really groggy this morning. That’s the only drawback to taking this medicine.

My back is killing me. A symptom that AF is on its way early next week. I’ll probably break out the heating pad for my chair here at work.

Zackery was a pill this morning. Hope he takes a nap today so that tonight will be more pleasant.

WW meatloaf, mashed potatoes, vegetable for dinner tonight. Been doing fine this week on my diet. It’s not hard at all b/c I’ve done WW before – so I know what I’m doing and I know the pitfalls.

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8:30am Thursday

Yesterday I was dragging all day long. It was SO hard to be at work. Even getting up to get something off the printer or a drink of water took everything I had. Left at 4pm, picked up Zackery, and went home. Had to put away all the groceries I bought during lunchtime. Cleaned up the kitchen. Told DH I didn’t have the energy to cook so we got WW approved sandwiches from Subway for dinner.

Zackery, I found out yesterday, hasn’t been napping at school this week (b/c of being in the new room I’m sure). So he got a bath at 6:30pm and to bed at 7pm. I showered and laid in bed until I couldn’t stay awake any longer (about 8:30). I didn’t take anything for sleeping b/c I wanted to try it on my own. I slept pretty good, but apparently I snored too much b/c DH slept in the guestroom most of the night. And I overslept this morning. So Zackery was out of sorts too b/c I had to rush both of us.

I almost called in sick today b/c I know that Zackery needs a break from preschool. It’s raining outside too. I should have, but I’m planning to tomorrow. So maybe I’ll do it again on Monday. My Mom is coming tomorrow for an overnight visit b/4 she heads back to SC on Saturday. I’m looking forward to it…and so is Zackery. So I’ll be calling in sick tomorrow. I think I’m gonna leave early today too. Like maybe around 2pm so if Zackery is by chance napping, I know he’ll be up by then.

I’m ready to get back to my old self…there wasn’t anything wrong with that person. This job affected me so much in the last few months that I feel like a different person. The medicine is definitely helping, but I know all this grogginess, tiredness, exhaustion, and lack of sexual interest are side effects. I swim against the current most days trying to fight all that, but this week I’ve just given in to the symptoms. Where’s the OLD ME!?!?!?!?!?!?

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Another weekend. It was nice until today.

Friday I stayed home with Zackery and my mom came down from Richmond b/4 heading home to SC on Saturday. We had a nice, relaxing day. DH & I went out that night with our neighbors to listen to some music and have a few beers. It was fun. I wish I had some family close by so we wouldn’t have to months without doing something we both enjoy like that. Oh well!

Saturday I didn’t leave the house. I rained for the first half of the day and DH had to work ½ a day. My mom left around 8am, so Zackery and I basically lounged until I decided we should at least get dressed around 11am. Got a nap later that afternoon, and then…stop the presses…the SUN actually came out. Our yard needed cutting bad, but it’s been impossible b/c of the monsoon we’ve been having. So we ventured outside to do a little yard work. I weeded 2 big flower beds (which I usually keep up with except for the rain), and then planted the new shrubs I bought. We went inside around 6pm or so, and I made WW spaghetti. Early to bed for all of us.

Today, we got up at 8am for church. Got out the house on time, and Zackery behaved descent…until…shortly b/4 Mass was over. We wanted to go get coffee at Starbuck’s………………HUGE MISTAKE. Zackery wouldn’t listen and was getting flippant. We tried to handle the situation, but we had to leave. Just like last Sunday…same scenario. DH got so angry that he stopped the car, took Zackery out, and spanked him. I’ve never seen DH like that, but I understood why. We got home and Zackery spent 30 minutes in the corner. I couldn’t do anything b/c DH was so angry. Finally he let him out, and I promptly took Zackery upstairs. He & I showered b/c we needed to…I knew we’d feel better. I stayed upstairs doing the endless Chinese laundry I have going on here, and Zackery played nicely. DH left the house for a couple of hours with the dogs. I tried to get Zackery to nap, but he wasn’t tired. So we layed on my bed watching “Just Married” and he played for a couple of hours. DH got home and stayed downstairs. I got up around 5pm, threw dinner in the oven, and he said he had to go to Walmart. Gone 2 hours. Shit…we sat outside and then came in to eat. Zackery & I ate by ourselves. We were watching Robin Hood (Disney version) when he got home. Zackery wanted to see him, and it appeared to me that he wanted away from Zackery. THIS UPSETS ME TREMENDOUSLY! I came upstairs and asked him what in the world was wrong. (Thinking that certainly he wasn’t still pissed at Zackery…I mean I get angry with Zackery, but don’t have that chance to “stay” angry.) He said “can’t I just have a bad day”. Sure I understand, but it doesn’t have to go this fucking far. I got Zackery ready for bed since he didn’t nap today, and just put him down. Finished folding the laundry, and needed to come here. I left his dinner on the counter, and don’t know what else to say or do for him. I guess I’ll just leave him alone like he asked us to.

8pm on Sunday night…the start of a new week of work tomorrow, and this is a familiar feeling…feeling like SHIT! Why? B/c of the way life goes! I know this will pass...but I've NEVER seen DH like this with Zackery...my heart is breaking right now...just breaking into a million pieces!

I'm going to get my pjs on and go to bed. 8:20pm...I'm done...I have nothing else to say or do. I'm just SO SICK of life being so SHITTY!

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