MY Wide Open Spaces...
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  1. #1
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    Default MY Wide Open Spaces...

    Well, the start of a new journal …don’t know if I can preserve my old one or not! It may be WAY too much work, ya know. So I need a new name. Won’t post this today until I think up something different…

    Last week was rough…getting back from vacation, 2 sick days (1 for me, 1 for Zackery), 1.5 days at work…whew! Glad it’s over. The weekend was fantastic outside. We spent both days outside from morning until night. I really like that…but didn’t want to “work” outside all weekend. Zackery & I played a lot, and DH worked a lot. His choice; I tried to stop him several times.

    Back to WeightWatchers. I’ve got 13 more pounds to loose and by golly I WILL DO IT! I want that weight gone for the start of summer…I WILL DO IT! Once I accomplish that, I can work on maintaining that weight. That doesn’t seem to be too hard for me…it’s the strictness of trying to lose that I’m struggling with right now. BUT, now that daylight savings has kicked in, I’ll be out exercising more. I think I’ll go rollerblading tonight!

    It’s a quiet day so far. I just wish I was at home with my boy instead of working fulltime! I’m very bored at work, and long not to be here. Can’t change that right now, but we’re working toward that goal!

    Bunko is at my house tomorrow night. While I like Bunko, I despise having it at my house. Why? Because it’s during the week. That’s the only time this group meets. People usually have huge spreads too of food. But, I’m not gonna do much b/c I don’t have the extra $$ to buy stuff to make a huge spread. I’m SO productive at work, NOT, that I just made a short list of what I’m gonna make. That’ll just have to be good enough…about ½ of these ladies in this group are VERY stuck up, and I just don’t feel like dealing with them in my house. UGH! I’m gonna make (taking the EASY way out here – and don’t really care) brownies, rice krispy treats, spinach dip & crackers or bread, baked cream cheese & crackers, and sweet & sour meatballs. That’s it! And I’ll barely have time for that! I HATE entertaining sometimes…I did SO much of it during the Fall and Holiday months last year, that I’m NOT interested in entertaining anytime soon! UGH! It’ll be over soon enough right??? I joined another Bunko group in the neighborhood, and they’re meeting this Thursday evening. Now these ladies are fun, down to earth, and most importantly NOT stuck up! Won’t mind them at all!!! Strange isn’t it…this is supposed to be fun. But the stuck up group is *****y and VERY competitive. Fun, hah! NO way. I think I’m gonna quit that group and stick with the new group. I’ll do my duty and then I’m outta there!

    So, I’ve gotta get some groceries during lunch today. Fun!
    Tara & Zackery (7/4/00)



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    Default Tuesday...a new day!

    Really wish I had time to copy over my other journal…but I really don’t. So, starting anew I guess!

    Yesterday was, well, a MONDAY! It was fine until the ride home. It took me 2 hours to get home when it normally takes 45 minutes (that includes picking up DS). A tractor trailer jack-knifed on the interstate and traffic sucked!!! Zackery was in his carseat, not moving on the road, for over 1.5 hours. He did okay, but started getting ancy after a while. Can’t say I blame him either… Then the MAD rush once we got home. Cooking dinner – cancelled. Told DH that I just couldn’t do that. I had to make everything for Bunko tonight at my house. I was in a horrible mood. But first I had to unload my car full of groceries. And…Zackery wanted to play outside. Backyard where he can’t get out and I can watch him from the kitchen – WASN’T good enough. Imagine that. It had to be the frontyard. Not happening sir. Then he stepped in dog ****. Then he had a poopy diaper. Then he was hungry. UGH! What a miserable evening. I managed to get everything done for tonight and handle Zackery. I TOTALLY DESPISE having people over these days. I just HATE it! I’m surely not gonna be able to enjoy bunko tonight anyway. I’m quitting this group!

    Got Zackery bathed and ready for bed. He has a routine where he watches Bob the Builder after bathing. It was already 8:30pm. Already past his bedtime, but he was begging. So I let him watch it for 15 minutes. It is his way of winding down, so I have to let him do that! (Being as I totally didn’t get to spend ANY time with him that evening. I feel REALLY bad about that too.) Got him to bed and I showered.

    What happened next was FANTASTIC! DH and I really needed some with each other. It was MAGNIFICENT! We went on forever. (Both tired today, but it was worth it.) Something to be said about good adult movie action in the background! It was GREAT! We’re still hornier than ever, and both loving it! Can’t seem to get enough of each other…and can’t say that’s what I wanted after my horrible evening – but it did erase everything aggravating and made us both WAY happy!!!
    Tara & Zackery (7/4/00)



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    Default It's reality...

    Well what I hoped wouldn’t happen has! It’s been made perfectly clear to me, by me, just how unhappy I really am at my job. I’m terribly unhappy and now ready to do something about it. Fact is, I have to work right now. That won’t change anytime soon (one day it will, but not in the next year or so).

    Other people have noticed over time, and now I know it’s really true. What’s it like everyday for me? Waking up, looking forward to a new day only to come spin my wheels at work not getting anything accomplished b/c so much of what I do depends on other people (and let’s face it, system documentation is just not a high priority for many while it’s my whole job), wishing I was able to stay at home with my son while the days and months and soon years just pass me right by with missing out on so much of his life! I spend ALL my time with him while I’m not at work and it’s always good, quality time…but 40 hours a week I’m not there for him. That has bothered me since the day I started back to work after he was born. I know many women struggle with this, and I’ve been struggling with it for 2.5 years now. Today – it hit me after talking with the guy I do most of my work for (not my supervisor though) that I’m truly unhappy! And of course I cannot be totally honest with anyone here at work about this fact – b/c I need a paycheck.

    I wanted a career several years ago. I finally got there the summer we were TTC’n for Zackery. One year later, all that went right out the window. I’m not interested in being anything but a Mom and Wife. That doesn’t mean I throw all my experience and knowledge away…it just means, for me, that life has taken a different turn. Being a Mom for me is the hardest task I’ve ever undertaken in my life…and it’s the most rewarding. Why do I have to feel that I cannot have anymore children until I don’t have to work? I cannot do this to another child. I cannot do this to myself. That’s why we’re not even thinking about TTC’n anytime soon. How fair is that for life and family??? NOT very. Yeah I know life isn’t fair…but why does it have to be so unhappy!!!!

    Oh well, maybe it can be remedied temporarily. I’m not crazy. I just want to work less and spend more time with my family. Point made clearly in my previous journal entry about SO much f*cking wasted time at work and on the road. This SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. #4
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    It’s been a while for me. I was tempted yesterday to journal, but got busy with other things. Things at work are NOT fun these days. Pretty bad when I have to wear my mouthguard during the day b/c the stress is making me clench my jaw so bad! I’ve been unhappy for a while, and last week was the proverbial “icing on the cake”. I’m totally being micro-managed by someone who isn’t even my boss.

    Here’s the story. I’m a technical writer at a research laboratory. My position was created this way…my supervisor would be in 1 group (the Operations group), but 95% of my work would be done for another group (the Engineering group). It worked well for 1.5 years. I’ve built a terrific working relationship with the Engineering group which is important as I need their expertise to get my job done. In the midst of all this, I have the unfortunate privilege of not only working with, but sharing a freaking office with the other technical writer…a complete asshole in my opinion, extremely controlling, but SO not my boss. He’s the tech writer for the same supervisor as me but his work is strictly for the Operations group. ALL these people around here think he’s just wonderful…NOT! Still with me???

    So 1 year ago, the Engineering group was reorganized. Went from 25 people to 80+ people. Okay then. It’ll settle out just fine. The problem has come from the “guy” I now “work” for in the Engineering group as it changed in the reorg.

    Note here: This guy and my supervisor have a terrible history working together and basically dislike each other completely!!! Hasn’t been a problem until 3 weeks ago…now I’m stuck in the middle and MISERABLE!

    This guy and my supervisor…BOTH VERY difficult to work with…BOTH VERY controlling know-it-all jackass men!!! They both dislike each other, and won’t work together with ME to get the results for both sides now. I’m the punching bag and have bent over backwards for the last time with these jerks. Tell me, how productive can one be with this attitude?!?!?!

    B/c of the reorg, documentation fell to the bottom of everyone’s list. Pretty normal, but I’ve worked hard over the last year to keep it floating. Now they both want WAY more than 1 person can give. Even heard talk of adding another tech writer…fine by me.

    SO, the engineering guy has decided to push me hard. Give me a freaking break. He’s micromanaging me and he’s not even my boss. My boss happens to be out right now b/c of neck surgery. I’ve not heard back from him on any of this. I totally don’t mind proving to others what I do, but it’s already been done. I’m being treated like a 1st grader and HATE it! A meeting with this guy last week sealed things for me. He started comparing me to the ALMIGHTY office mate that he just LOVES. I was PISSED beyond belief. It made me realize how UNHEALTHY this place is for me. I’ve been just pushing it under the rug for a loooooooooong time now. I’m miserable, and it’s getting worse. It won’t do much good to talk about all this much with my supervisor b/c he’s a total hardhead too…and he TOO wants me to be just like ALMIGHTY dickhead office mate!

    I told this engineering guy yesterday at our now stupid weekly meetings that I didn’t appreciate ANYONE around here comparing me to Tom. I don’t want to be compared to him, and don’t expect to be either. I have VERY high marks over my 10 years out here in the real world, and have always been an independent worker. I’m not interested in being compared and treated like a 1st grader.

    PLUS, NOW engineering guy and roommate are sneaking around. He has roommate “watching” me. They’re in cahoots with each other. Can we say I’m PISSED??? And last week, I pulled into the parking lot after lunch. Since we share an office, they can’t very well talk about me in there. What do I see? The 2 of them outside the building in the parking lot. As I passed I could hear some of the conversation. It was TOTALLY OBVIOUS that was being talked about. Then they clammed up! That’s what sent me over the edge. This isn’t petty stuff…this is an unhealthy working environment for ME!

    So, what am I doing about it? Signing up this week, after stupidly dragging my feet, for the medical transcription course. I decided last summer that’s what’s best for me and my family, did all the research and everything. Eventually, it’ll be an outlet so I can work from home. It’s what I need, and what my family needs. I absolutely cannot be doing this same rat race when we want to have another child. I can’t….that would probably kill me. I struggle too much now. And, I can’t just quit working b/c we need at least part of my income…and that won’t change much in the next year or 2. It just won’t. So I’m going to do the course study over some months (I’d like to accelerate it), and then go from there!
    Tara & Zackery (7/4/00)



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    Boy, today would’ve been a GREAT day to take a Zackery/Mommy day. We’re due for one. I can only go along for a little while b/4 it’s time for another day for just us. (Weekends don’t count b/c we’re always SO busy.) So I’m gonna watch the forecast and pick a Friday in the next 2 weeks, and spend the day giving Zackery 100% of my attention. The possibilities are endless…

    Had a nice evening last night. Left work at 4:00 on the dot. Not a minute later…I refuse to work overtime…that’s the norm around here. I’m like the oddball b/c I get to work right when I have to be here in the AM and leave everyday not a second past 4pm. Oh well…I do have a life outside of this place.

    Made dinner and then went outside with Zackery. It was windy as a storm couldn’t decide whether to occur or not…dark clouds on one side and sunshining on the other. So, I tried to get the kite up into the air. No luck…Zackery thought it was funny. DH pulled in, and we rode to the front of the neighborhood to look at a swingset someone has in their backyard. We need something. We don’t want to spend 100’s of dollars on those wooden fort / swingset things. They’re really nice, and we’d prefer to have one. But just can’t afford it. I also don’t want just a plain ole metal one. The one we saw was cool! It looked like one in between. I’m gonna call the lady tonight and ask about where she got it from. Hope she doesn’t mind!

    Ate dinner, bathed, Zackery did his nightly ritual of winding down with Bob the Builder. He was in bed by 8:15 and so was I. AF has wiped me out this week.

    Meeting DH for lunch today…seems like it’s been a while since we met for lunch. The van is being serviced so I don’t have a car b/c DH needed his b/c he has a meeting at another building today. It’s gonna be a pain getting the van later today, but hopefully everything will be fixed. We have the “Mac Daddy” of warranties, so I’ve already been told it’s all covered. Whew!

    My meeting with one of the buttholes at work got cancelled for tomorrow! YAY for me! Good way to end the week! I’m gonna take Denyse’s advice and search for contract work where I can work from home. I still intend to do the medical transcription stuff, but this is something I cannot ignore! Wish me luck…I hope today will be a GREAT day!
    Tara & Zackery (7/4/00)



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    Crazy day yesterday…van was in for service and we didn’t get it back until late yesterday evening. B/c the area where I work at the lab is behind a fence and guard shack, DH couldn’t bring me to my office. I had to walk. Exercise is good, but 4 times yesterday became a PITA! We didn’t get home until 7pm. That part really stunk. Zackery wanted to go outside so bad, but we managed to distract him of that. He ate a little dinner, and I folded and put away the laundry. Watched Friends for a little while and got Zackery ready for bed. He watched Bob and I showered. Got him in bed about 8:30pm…not too bad b/c he still needs his “wind down from the day” time watching Bob the Builder. I crawled into bed right after him. Watched 1 episode of Sex in the City DVD, and fell asleep at some point.

    Gotta call Ford back…2 things are wrong now that weren’t wrong yesterday when I dropped the van off. What a PITA!!!

    So today it’s 1 meeting at work (1 I don’t mind), and then back to the grind. Got some research to do also on working at home. I really want to go to Walmart during lunch and get Zackery a sandbox with sand and toys. I know that’ll be at least $50, and I really can’t afford it right now. I suck SO bad. Guess I’ll just wait…the weather is supposed to be yucky this weekend anyway. So I’ll just go look and plan. I’ve gotta get milk anyway, and I don’t want to stop on the way home.

    Kinda not sure what to fix for dinner tonight. I better figure something out though…it’s gotta be weightwatchers too. I’ve GOT to lose these last pounds…I MUST!

    Be back later!

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    Default

    What a day. I’m ready to go home. 20 more minutes. I got the van back to get fixed again. They gave me a rental car b/c the logistics of yesterday would kill me if I had to do that again today. DH needs a car both these days b/c he had meetings at a different site both days. (I’ll be happy when he moves into the new Corporate building in 2 weeks. Makes life easier when we have car issues.) The van was fixed by the time I got back to work. (I stopped and dropped the rental off at DH’s work and I took his car b/c it has the carseat in it. Plus, he’s gonna go get the van after work tonight so I don’t have to.)

    He told me last night he’s taking a short break from WeightWatchers. While I cannot afford to do that, I’m gonna be a little lenient on myself for the next week. Back to strict dieting May 1st. I’m WW’ing it during the day, but easing up at dinner. SO, since I could not figure out what to have for dinner, I picked up lasagne and garlic bread (both NOT WW) for dinner when I stopped this morning to get milk. That’ll be SO easy…I haven’t had an easy dinner like that in 3 months. WW is much easier to maintain than lose with. How do I know that? Cuz I’ve basically been maintaining for the last month. Can’t wait to reach my goal!!! Still…that gives me just a month if I do it right b/c I set June 1st for myself. 13 more pounds to go…it can be done b/c I lost 13 pounds in February. Plus I better get my butt out there exercising!

    Been a quiet day at the office…that’s a GOOD thing.

    Wonder how Zackery did today pottying? He’s growing up SO fast. I cuddled him the other night and a lullaby came on that I used to rock and rock and rock him singing when he was a baby. I seriously believe I had flashbacks…it was peaceful. I think I’m getting closer…we’ll see. DH is hinting around, but he knows that I have to REALLY be ready. And one key note here…I absolutely cannot be working when we have #2. So we obviously still need some time! But it was a wonderful feeling I got that night!

    Gotta go pick up that boy and get home. Hopefully it’ll be a relaxing evening!

  8. #8
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    Nice weekend we had. DH was helping a friend move Fri night and Sat morning. I let Zackery stay up later than usual as we were watching Toy Story 2 together. It was a special evening for us…I enjoyed that with him.

    Saturday morning, after a bit of tidying up, Zackery & I went to run some errands. It was nice. We had lunch at Chick-fil-a and he played in their play yard. Got home and Dh was right behind us. Zackery took a short nap, and I chilled out watching Sex In The City dvd. Once he woke up, DH wanted to go get a haircut. We’d been talking to Zackery all week about getting a haircut with Daddy (as he’s been getting them by US in the garage for a long time now). After my 2 experiences with him at the haircut places over a year ago, I wasn’t going to try it again for a looooong time! DH went first. Then Zackery actually let the girl cut his hair. Hello!?!?!?!? :P It looks SO much better than when we do it. At least it’s all even. DH promised him a cookie if he let them cut his hair. So we went next door and got him a nice frosted cookie from the bakery. Got home, bathed him b/c of all the hair, and we just hung out after that. I let him finish watching Toy Story 2, and we snuggled on the couch (the weather outside was yucky). Wasn’t long and it was time for date night. Picked up Cassie and Zackery wasn’t too happy…but we gotta get out on occasion. They had movies, toys and snacks plenty. We went to a local Italian restaurant that we’ve heard was so good. It was DELICIOUS! Then walked around the mall til movie time. Say “Confidence”. It was pretty darn good. Edward Burns is a major HOTTIE! Got home around 12:15am…whew! Of course Zackery went to bed later and woke up yesterday morning at 6:15am. How’s that for Murphy’s Law?!?! Guess that was our payback!

    So we were very tired yesterday morning. Got dressed and went to the Coffee Beanery for breakfast treats and coffee! YUM! It was a gorgeous day outside too! I knew we’d be outside all day. Did some yardwork, went to Target and spent some money! Got Zackery some new sneakers, a pair of sandles, and some squirt guns! I even got 2 tops. DH bought a few things for himself. It was FUN! Back home to finish yardwork and play outside. Grilled some hamburgers (that were delicious). Zackery didn’t nap yesterday, so I knew he’d be exhausted by day’s end. He came inside around 5:30pm and told me he was tired, his feet hurt, and he needed to rest on the couch! HUH?!?!? He sounded like a little man. Go figure. So I bathed him, got his pj’s on, and he watched a movie. We ate, got him to bed at 7:30pm (later than it should’ve been but he got his 2nd wind). Showered, watched some tv, and had some gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood sex twice! It was SO good. We still have not lost our groove and still are hornier than ever!

    Start of a new week. Will have a busy weekend next weekend, but it’s fun stuff. Got the rest of my office furniture today, and I’m finally organized. Gotta get back to work!

    Oh, DH called me during lunch and I met him at the gate. He brought me a treat…the new Dixie Chicks cd. Listening to it now…it’s GREAT!
    Tara & Zackery (7/4/00)



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    I meant to journal yesterday, but time got away from me. Monday evening was uneventful. Yesterday I had to be home in the morning for the exterminator. The ants are coming in through the 2nd story windows. Go figure! So DH took Zackery to school for me so he wouldn’t miss Tumblebus. I got up at the normal time…debated on going back to bed or doing chores. Which is more inviting? Well, I did the opposite. Since it was sheet day, I changed the sheets on our bed and Zackery’s bed. I changed out all the towel. Got all that washing. Folded the laundry (2 baskets) from the weekend. Note: I’ve changed my laundry schedule so I’m not pressured to get it all done by Sunday evenings anymore. I wash and dry over the weekend. Fold and put away by Tuesday night. And linens are changed out on Tuesdays. (I was really dreading it on Saturday mornings b/c I spent most of my morning doing laundry related work, and b/4 I knew it, too much time had already passed.) Then I got dressed, went downstairs and swept the floors, and cleaned the kitchen. Back upstairs to take care of some things in the office. Then the bugman showed up. I left for work about 10am. Stopped at Starbuck’s for a large hot chocolate, and then to ToysRUs to look at outdoor gym sets. Got to work about 11am. It was a WONDERFUL morning! Even got to tune into Good Morning America while I was busy with chores. Everything was in its place when I got home yesterday. DH said he’d pick up Zackery so I could enjoy some time to myself after work. What a GREAT DH!!! So I watched 2 episodes of Sex in the City, and cooked dinner (tacos). They got home, had the normal battles with Zackery, ate dinner, went outside, bathed him, and to bed he went by 8:15pm. That KIDDO was still awake at 9:30pm. He NEVER does this. I was SO aggravated! I had to lay with him til he fell asleep…which pissed me off b/c we don’t usually do that. DH was already snoozing.

    This morning sucked b/c he was so tired. By the time I got to work this morning at 8am, I was exhausted. I’ve already worn myself out for the day. I’m so tired…don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need some good sleep. I need to not work anymore. I need a break! Zackery is wearing me out…physically and mentally these days. Especially the last 2 days. AF was last week, so that has nothing to do with it. I eat healthy, take vitamins everyday…but I haven’t been exercising at all. I’m SO lazy sometimes. Really need to do that!

    Supposed to have lunch with a mom from Zackery’s class that works here…I don’t want to at ALL! I’m not up for lunch with anyone today. This is rescheduled, so I don’t know how to get out of it! UGH! I’m flat *** broke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow is payday, but it won’t help much b/c I never have extra $$ till 15th payday. Need to refinance my house so I can save some $$ each month. That’s a chore, but it has to be done!

  10. #10
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    Friday is almost here! Yesterday I stopped off at Target on my way to get Zackery. I wanted to get him a bug hut that I saw over the weekend. It’s a little wooden bug house. He’s been loving watching the caterpillars, so I knew he’d like it. It was only $3.99. I also got him 3 more shirts. Seems like he’s fine with shorts for the next couple of months…still able to wear most of last year’s shorts. That’s good!!! We got home, and I wasn’t planning to cook dinner. Saw the abc box on the front porch…some stuff I ordered came in. Then we made our way outside at around 5:45 or so. Found 3 caterpillars and put some grass in the bughut for them. (like they cared) We stayed outside til DH got home (something like 7pm or so). Got Zackery inside with no trouble…imagine that! That never happens. Fed him some dinner, bathed him, and then he watched Bob the Builder like he likes to do in the evenings. But b/c of our crazy evening schedule lately, that hasn’t been happening. I had ordered a pizza, and all 3 of us sat on the couch and ate pizza. It was a treat b/c we never order pizza, and never sit on the couch to eat dinner. I took a shower while Zackery watched his show. Got him to bed at 8:30pm, and this time he was out! DH and I had some goooooooooooooood sex!!! I watched the last episode on the Sex in the City dvd, and can’t wait to get the next disc. I fell asleep sometime after that!

    This morning was fine…Zackery was cooperative which always helps me out! I’ve been in meetings most of the day…boring! I went to lunch at Chick-fil-a and sat outside. Today is gorgeous outside. I’m due for a “sick day” anytime now. I started reading a book my neighbor has loaned me. “Shattering the Two-Income Myth” Read the first chapter and this book makes so much freaking sense! I just don’t want to dwell on it until it’s time for it to happen that I can quit work…b/c I’m afraid of dwelling on it. I don’t want to get depressed about it…I want to learn how to make this work! I WILL succeed!

    On page 5, something I’ve already noted: “Making money requires spending money and, if no one is home to look after children, maintain the house, buy food intelligently, prepare meals, purchase clothes on sale, obtain price quotes for major repairs…you’ll be spending big bucks for the privilege of joining the nine-to-five parade.”
    Privilege…horse hocky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Grilled flounder, baked potato, broccoli, and salad for dinner!

    Oh yeah, UPS says my new vacuum cleaner should be on my doorstep today! YIPPEE!
    Tara & Zackery (7/4/00)



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